What I’m Into: Sex as a Service

Kate Sloan

I think I’ve always had a thing for sexual servitude. I remember feverishly reading fanfiction as a young teen and experiencing a surge of arousal when words like “deftly” and “expertly” were used. Something about the idea of being skilfully, deliberately serviced was really appealing to my adolescent brain. And it still is.

The movie Hysteria fanned the flames for me. It’s hardly intended to be sexy, but Hugh Dancy as a doctor giving frustrated women “hysterical paroxysms” with his hand or a crude vibrator? Oh, swoon. Gimme some of that. (I know the whole idea of “female hysteria” is incredibly sexist and problematic. But, like Dylan Ryan says: your fantasy life is your fantasy life.)

Nowadays my fantasies often drift to service-related scenarios:

• The aforementioned hysteria doctors – dressed in full garb complete with lab coats and stethoscopes, of course – being perfectly on time for our appointment and dedicating several minutes of focused attention to bringing me to orgasm. Bonus points if there is a speculum involved.

• Hired escorts (male or female or sometimes one of each). In this fantasy I am typically a total pillow princess and just lay back while things are done to me. Maybe a domineering fuck while I’m sensory-deprived and tied up. Maybe a service-top scenario, where I’m only allowed to come when I’m told (but I will definitely come at some point). Maybe a long, slow massage with a happy ending. Hoooo boy.

• Rachel Kramer Bussel’s excellent story about a restaurant where women can receive oral sex from trained providers in a back room in between courses. (Dear RKB: Can we get together for cupcakes and an extended discussion of spanking and submission? Because I feel like we are totally on the same page about all of those things. Sincerely, GJ, your adoring fan.)

• A dutiful slaveboy who lives to please his mistress. Ideally one who prides himself on his stellar oral sex skills. I read a story (maybe in the anthology Tasting Her? which is also a Rachel Kramer Bussel publication?) where this male sub is so proud of his cunnilingual abilities that his domme decides to offer his services to a slew of other dommes at a sex conference party. Um. Sign me up.

Servitude is one of those strange fantasies that would never appeal to me in real life, at least not nearly as much as it does in my head. If I get the slightest inkling that my partner isn’t into what they’re doing or isn’t attracted to me, my arousal deflates like a punctured blow-up doll. I’m sure plenty of escorts, erotic masseuses and phone sex operators are skilled at creating the illusion of mutual enthusiasm, and I’m sure their customers love that, but I’m not sure I’d ever be able to relax enough to enjoy myself.

For now, though? I’m happy to fantasize about Dr. Hugh Dancy jerking me off under a medical blanket like he’s done it to hundreds of other women before me. Oh, doctor, you sure do know what you’re doing.

This post was made possible by the lovely folks at Babes of London! Kisses!

Talismans for Sex Appeal, Confidence & Foxiness

Kate Sloan

I’m fascinated by the idea of talismans: pieces of jewelry or other items you wear on your person often (maybe every day) that hold some significance to you, that give you some kind of power or magic or important reminder.

A friend of mine wears a rose quartz point necklace daily because she feels its love energy is good for her. Another friend has a tattoo of a favorite literary quote in her bestie’s handwriting, as a reminder of books and pals she adores. My mom wears rings stacked on her fingers because a fabulous, beloved late aunt once told her rings would make her feel empowered.

As for me – I have a golden snitch necklace that reminds me to be brave, a ring made of blue topaz (the “writer’s crystal”) that I swear boosts my scribe powers, and a rose quartz female symbol necklace to invoke lady-love and femme solidarity.

Here are some talismans that could bring a little sex magic and foxy focus into your life…

As I mentioned, rose quartz is said to be the best crystal for increasing love and compassion – both toward other people and toward yourself. By that token, I think a rose quartz massage wand would make a fantastic dildo! (I wondered if vaginal fluids might dissolve quartz, but my crystal-addicted friend tells me no. You could always put a condom on it just to be safe, though.)

If your head gets cold in the winter and you hate the patriarchy, A Darling Knits has got you covered. This “feminist” beanie would be a terrific daily reminder of your values, while scaring off gross misogynist dudebros for you!

Tonya’s Collars sells some beautiful stuff. Whether you’re shopping for a meaningful gift for your sub, seeking a collar your dominant can ceremonially put on you, or you just want to advertise your kinky heart, something like this heart collar would be lovely.

Along those same lines: lately I am loving how leather handcuffs look as an everyday accessory. These blue ones are real stunners, and with a little confidence, you could play them off as simply high fashion and not, you know, bedroom tools. (And then you could come home and have your partner lock ‘em together and get frisky as fuck.)

If you love being a lady, or you just love and respect ladies, this female symbol necklace could be a gorgeous way to broadcast that fact to the world.

Red jasper, according to folks who believe in the power of crystals, “stimulates your sex drive and prolongs sexual pleasure.” Plus it’s just a badass-looking stone. I love the bold look of this ring.

Okay, how brilliant is this period-tracking bracelet?! You can have it custom-made to the length of your usual cycle, and you move the moon bead around the bracelet to track your body’s phases throughout the month. So much more glamorous than a period tracker app!

Make sure you only wear these when it’s appropriate (and consensual), but… these cufflinks are awesomely saucy.

Show off your enthusiasm for oral sex with this “eat me” necklace. If a conservative type asks you what it means, you can always tell them it’s just an Alice in Wonderland reference!

If you’re all about that 1950s sex kitten aesthetic, stick this Bettie Page compact mirror in your purse and pull it out any time you need to touch up your lipstick. Bettie’ll watch over you like the patron saint of glamour!

Okay, brace yourself. You can order a realistic vulva ring. And if you send the seller photos of your actual vulva (or the vulva of someone you love), they will custom-make your ring to look like the pussy in the pictures. Ahhh!!! There are not enough exclamation points in the world to express how amazing this is!!!

But let’s not leave penises out of the equation… This phallic pendant is surprisingly elegant for what it is. It makes me think maybe I need to start wearing a penis around my neck…

Do you have any meaningful jewelry or other little tokens you wear on a regular basis? What do they mean to you?

4 Skills Erotica Writers Need (That I Totally Don’t Have)

Kate Sloan

Hey, remember when I told you I was writing sexy fanfiction? Well, I’ve been doing more of it. And it’s making me think a lot about the conventions of the erotica genre: which ones I hate, which ones I love, and which ones I envy and desperately wish I could incorporate better in my own writing.

Here are four erotica-writing skills I totally admire in other writers and want to get better at.

1. Writing erections in a way that isn’t clichéd or porny.

Writers throughout history have come up with zillions of flowery ways to write about female arousal. Glistening petals, hot honeyed centers, engorged pink nubs, blah blah blah. But it seems to me that penises are often described more crassly and minimally, especially hard penises.

The other night I eloquently tweeted “Booooooneeeeerrrrrrs” because I was slightly wine-drunk and didn’t have the brainpower to adequately describe how I felt about this story. CTRL+F your way down to “When the food arrived” and read until Jake gets “very, very hard.” That, to me, is an example of a sweet, almost romantic description of a boner.

Part of the problem is that I don’t know a whole lot about how it actually feels to get a hard-on, and there are very few dudes in my life who I would trust to answer that question for me without things getting awkward in some way. Hmm… (P.S. Dude readers of this blog, please don’t take this as an invitation to send me detailed messages about your wang. Thaaaanks.)

2. Showing, not telling, feelings.

I’ve been a writer since I was a kid. It’s my vocation, career, and favorite hobby. I’ve taken more writing classes in my 22 years of life than most people take in their entire lifetimes. And yet, somehow, I still periodically need to yell at myself: “SHOW, DON’T TELL!” This frustratingly ubiquitous writers’ mantra still hasn’t completely sunk in for me.

I find myself writing stuff like “She felt apprehensive” or “She thought she was going to swoon onto the floor” and then I have to go back and fix those phrases to make them more demonstrative. “She bit her lip and wrinkled her nose.” “Her cheeks warmed and reddened.” Whatever.

“Show, don’t tell” should be taped up over every writer’s workspace. Sometimes I think I should get it tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.

3. Creating tension.

I’m not good at building romantic/sexual tension in my stories, because I haven’t experienced a whole lot of it in my actual life.

Why? Because I’m a candid weirdo who doesn’t know how to flirt and usually ends up saying really on-the-nose things like “I think you’re cute” instead of beating around the bush in any way.

This approach has its advantages, obviously. But it also means that I have very little sense of what genuine flirtation actually looks like. So I find it hard to write that stuff.

It’s infuriating, because when I read great flirty dialogue in other people’s stories, it makes me squirm and giggle and clap and say “AWW!” and that feeling is basically the whole reason I read romantic fiction of any kind. Damn, I wish I could make my readers feel that way.

4. Demonstrating consent without being too heavy-handed.

It’s a sad reality that we live in a culture where demonstrated consent can sometimes be the antithesis of sexiness. At least, to some people.

A lot of the kinks I love to write about are power-based: bondage, spanking, “ravishment,” and so on. These are things that obviously require explicit consent and negotiation in real life, but in fiction, sometimes seem hotter and more visceral when there’s minimal discussion beforehand.

Though I understand that porn and erotica are meant to be about fantasy and escapism, ethically it doesn’t sit right with me to write this kind of scene without at least some acknowledgment of consent. But how do you do that without draining the hotness out of it? I struggle with this not only in fiction but also in life.

But I have high hopes that good sex writing can lead the charge in demonstrating how consent conversations can be sexy. I think the onus is on us erotic content creators to think up and disseminate blisteringly hot consent negotiations so that the general public learns how to have those chats without losing their boners in the process.

What skills, techniques, tropes and conventions do you admire in erotic writing?

Review: Womanizer

Kate Sloan

Do you like suction on your clit? Do you like leopard print and rhinestones? Do you like creepy gendered objectification?

Technically you only need to answer “yes” to the first question to make the Womanizer a decent purchase for you, but it helps if you can answer yes to all three.

My pals at Sex Toys Canada sent me the Womanizer, a new vibrator out of Germany that boasts an 100% orgasm guarantee and uses a suction mechanism.

I’m told that this toy would retail for about $190 here in Canada. I’m a firm believer that a sex toy can only justify being that expensive if it’s either really effective or incredibly unique or both. For example, I don’t mind that the Eroscillator costs $140 or that the Stronic Eins costs $200, because I think both toys are fantastic and truly different from every other toy on the market. The Womanizer is certainly unique, but I don’t know if I would pay $190 for it, and I doubt it’d work for everyone.

First off, the name. It’s horrible. Companies, please stop giving names like this to your toys. I realize that there’s a language barrier but I’m not sure how a name like this would be any more palatable in German. Not all folks with clits are women, and a sex toy is a tool, not a seducer.

Secondly – did I mention that the toy is LEOPARD-PRINT and RHINESTONED? I mean, the go-to-the-next-setting button is literally a huge rhinestone. This is legitimately one of the ugliest, most juvenile-looking toys I’ve ever seen. It looks like it was designed by an out-of-touch man for his distorted concept of the typical Cosmo-reading, lipstick-wearing woman. It definitely does not look or feel anywhere near classy enough to justify charging $190. I think if your sex toy costs over $100, it should look and feel like a sophisticated luxury item, not a gross as-seen-on-TV bedazzled 1990s relic.

The part of the toy that goes on your clit is a little concave dip, and the toy comes with two identical white squishy heads for this part, I guess so that you can switch them out if one has just been washed and needs to dry or whatever.

The toy comes with a storage case that is actually really nice (another thing I consider imperative for an expensive sex toy). It’s pink, holds its shape well like a sturdy camera bag, and has a couple of mesh compartments inside for the charger and extra suction head to go in. This case would make it super easy to travel with your Womanizer if you’re into that.

So, let’s talk about how this thing actually feels, because I’m sure you’re wondering.

The suction is fairly mild. This is not like one of those scary clit pumps. You have to hold your labia apart slightly so that the toy can get a fix on your clit. Once it does, it’ll keep on sucking on that exact spot until you move the toy, but removal is never painful or uncomfortable.

There’s a little bit of vibration involved, which amplifies the suction sensation and kind of feels like someone is tonguing my clit rhythmically while they suck on it. So, damn, yeah, that’s nice.

There are five vibration settings (I don’t think the suction gets much stronger on the higher settings, but it’s hard to tell). None of them are earthshattering. If you need a lot of powerful rumbling to get off, this toy absolutely will not do the trick.

The feeling of the Womanizer kind of reminds me of my beloved Eroscillator in the sense that the sensation can be a slow build. I can keep the toy on the first or second setting and inch my way toward an orgasm without needing to keep cranking up the power.

The suction pulls blood into my clit, which sounds gross but is actually exactly the process required to make an orgasm happen. The longer the Womanizer sucks on my clit, the more engorged and sensitive it gets, which is why I don’t need to keep turning up the power. In fact, every orgasm I’ve had from the Womanizer has been on the second setting out of five, which is pretty impressive.

That said, there are some things I don’t love about this toy. For one, it works best when it’s sucking on my clit directly – i.e. not through the clitoral hood – and that’s a sensation that can feel scarily intense or even painful for me. I often get overstimulated while using the Womanizer, and have to back off. (Thankfully, the power button also doubles as a “go back to the first setting” button, which comes in handy frequently.) I can position the suction head on my clit hood or another spot that’s more comfortable for me, but when I do that, the suction becomes so indirect and mild that it doesn’t seem to be doing its job properly and usually can’t get me off.

I also sometimes get impatient with the Womanizer. It’s an acquired taste. It doesn’t jackhammer your clit or rub all over it; the sensation is more delicate, more gradual, a slow-burn kind of thing. I have to focus, relax, and take my time if I’m going to reach orgasm with this toy. When I do, it’s spectacular – but I don’t always have that kind of time and patience. I frequently find myself giving up on the Womanizer and reaching for another vibe instead because I’m craving a little more friction and movement.

The Womanizer also isn’t waterproof. This repeatedly bummed me out. Clit suction in the bath sounds heavenly, but ah, ‘tis not to be.

On the plus side: the toy is ergonomic and comfortable to hold, I love that the suction head can be removed for easy cleaning, the controls are easy to use, the toy holds a charge for a long-ass time, and it’s only kinda loud for the first few seconds and becomes much quieter as soon as it’s got ahold of a clit.

So… I have very mixed feelings about the Womanizer. If suction and vibration together sound like your idea of bliss, and you can ignore the toy’s other shortcomings, then you might like it. But for $190 I think it ought to at least be waterproof, better-looking, and have stronger vibrations. And it should be called something that doesn’t make my skin crawl.

Thanks, Sex Toys Canada!

Interview: Sophie Delancey from The Art of Blowjob

Kate Sloan

Sophie Delancey is one of the awesomest babes I know. As VP of The Art of Blowjob and The Art of Cunnilingus, she makes (and sometimes performs in!) ridiculously hot oral sex porn. She’s also one of the founders and hosts of Tell Me Something Good here in Toronto, and she does burlesque. What a hard-workin’ fox!

I’ve been wanting to profile some of the wonderful sex-positive folks I know, and Sophie’s the first person I’m interviewing for this series. I hope you feel inspired by her hustle and hotness – I know I do!

Girly Juice: What’s your official title?

Sophie Delancey: I’m the Vice President of our group of websites, and I’m specifically functioning as the sex educator for TheArtofBlowjob.com’s new educational series.

GJ: What does your day-to-day work entail?

SD: What doesn’t it entail? I take care of all of our PR, social media, any writing for the sites/blogs/other sources, handle our business-to-business work, direct/edit/perform from time to time, research/write/record the educational updates, spearhead new projects and generally serve as the voice and first line of contact for the sites.

GJ: What makes Art of Blowjob/Art of Cunnilingus notably different from all the other oral sex porn that’s out there?

SD: We just try to focus on the sensuality and simple beauty of the act. Our filming, editing and shooting experience is all about just gently accentuating what’s so awesome about taking your time to focus on oral sex instead of rushing through it like more goal-oriented sexual scripts. Orgasms are awesome, so are other sex acts, but sometimes the joy is really the ride. We want to do one thing and do it well!

GJ: What is it about oral sex in particular that you find so intriguing?

SD: I love both giving and receiving, putting that together or separating the two. I have a huge oral fixation and I love getting up close and personal with my partner’s body and taking it all in. It’s like sensory overload. I love being overwhelmed. Giving oral sex means enjoying the pleasure of giving pleasure in and of itself, devoting yourself to exactly what makes your partner feel amazing, honing your skills and really devoting yourself to the experience. Receiving means being present in your body, losing the shame that a lot of us have around our genitals, giving yourself over to the experience, finding out what works for you, being a bit selfish and just getting in touch with your sensual self.

GJ: What’s the best part of your job?

SD: I’m loving the educational series on The Art of Blowjob, which is also forthcoming on The Art of Cunnilingus in the next month or so. Breaking down every little tip, technique, piece of advice, trick, communication stumbling block… It’s amazing how much there is to oral sex. I have always loved the times I’ve gotten to give advice/sex education, so this is definitely my strong point.

GJ: And what’s the worst part of your job?

SD: Probably when people make all of the sexist assumptions that people make about women who work in porn… Luckily I’ve got so much support in my life for what I do that it makes it a lot easier to shrug it off.

GJ: What would be your advice for someone who wants to do similar work to what you’re doing?

SD: Diversify! Get a whole bunch of skills. If you want to work in porn, you should probably know how to direct, edit, write, update social media, dabble with web/graphic design, talk a good game about sexuality and have new, interesting ideas. It sounds overwhelming, but jobs in porn (and the arts, politics, non-profits… All the weirder industries!) rely on versatility and people who are really passionate/motivated.

Thanks so much to Sophie Delancey for giving us a glimpse into her work life and sex life! Make sure to check out her fine work at The Art of Blowjob and The Art of Cunnilingus.