My Big, Exciting, Scary, Sexy Goals for 2015

Kate Sloan

The new year is upon us! I hope you had a fun New Year’s Eve last night, and that you woke up this morning feeling refreshed and renewed, as opposed to hungover and grumbling!

Come the new year, a lot of people set resolutions for themselves. I think self-improvement is always a good use of time, but something about the vagueness of resolutions just doesn’t work for my brain. I like to set GOALS: specific, actionable tasks or projects whose completion will be immediately and entirely clear to me when it happens.

Here are some of the sex-related goals I’ve set for myself this year… Hopefully, a year from today, they’ll all be checked off my list!

1. Have casual sex.

For a sex blogger, my sexual history sure isn’t very adventurous. I’ve only ever had sex with two people: one a long-term friend with benefits and the other a long-term boyfriend.

Right now I’m too damn busy to get into another relationship so soon after ending the last one, plus I’m just not feelin’ the whole commitment/obligation thing right now. I’d rather be free and clear, at least until I find myself so head-over-heels for someone that coupledom looks more attractive than the alternative.

But although I’m relationship-phobic at the moment, I’m certainly not sex-phobic. In fact, it kind of feels like a part of me has shrivelled up and died from how long I’ve gone without sex at this point. (About eight months, I think? Shh, don’t tell anyone!!)

So one of my goals for the year is to figure out how to have casual sex in a way that feels safe, healthy and positive for me, and then do it. I’m defining “casual sex” as “sex with someone I am not, and do not intend to be, in a romantic relationship with.” I am super shy and awkward and don’t even know that many people I’d want to have sex with, so we’ll see how this goes…

(Last night I was having dinner with some friends and we got onto the topic of 2015 goals. I mentioned that this was one of mine, and one of my friends said, “Do you have a particular gender in mind for the person you want to have sex with?” I shrugged and said, “I just need to find them hot. That’s the only criteria.”)

2. Learn to get off in several different positions.

98% of the orgasms I’ve ever had in my life have happened while I was lying on my back with my legs slightly raised. It’s how I initially learned to get off so it’s always worked for me. But it can be inconvenient sometimes.

I’ve managed to come while sitting up (like on a chair while a partner kneels in front of me – oh swoon, I miss that, it was hot) and while sitting on someone’s face (definitely a lot easier if I can lean my weight on something, like the headboard of the bed) but it’s usually a lot of extra effort for me. So I’d like to practice getting off in various different positions until it starts to feel easier and more natural.

(Side note: I was inspired to take on this goal after going to see Canadian playwright Morris Panych’s latest play Sextet a few weeks ago. There is a character whose legs need to be above his penis – like, propped up on a wall – for him to reach orgasm. I won’t spoil it for you, but… comedy ensues. And it made me realize just how silly it is to limit myself to only one position!)

3. Get spanked.

This is one of those wishes I have to kind of release to the universe instead of trying to figure out how to make it happen. I don’t currently have any idea who I want to spank me or how I intend to get into a situation where this can take place. I just know that I want it, somehow, somewhere, some way.

I’ve done a fair bit of spanking play in previous relationships but now I want to try it with someone new. (Oh man. I got sexy chills just typing that.)

Interestingly, spanking also played a role in one of my 2013 goals, so apparently it’s something in which I have a keen interest…

4. Two big blog announcements.

Because I’m the queen of mystery (ha), I’m not going to tell you what they are… yet. But I have two big things planned for this blog in 2015. Both will require a lot of work and preparation, but it’s work that I am very excited about, which is the best kind!

What are your goals for 2015, sex-themed or otherwise? Got any tips for me as I pursue mine?

2014: A Year in Review

Kate Sloan

Photo by Randy Tan

Dear darlings: I hope your 2014 has been fabulous and that your 2015 will be even better. I already have lots of exciting things planned for the year ahead and I bet you do, too!

Thank you so much for sticking with me this year, reading what I write, engaging with me on Twitter and in my comments section, offering your suggestions and support, and giving me a space in which to do what I love best: publicly think big thoughts about sex.

I really do feel grateful for you, and for this space, every day. This blog has been around for over two and a half years and it has been a more creatively fulfilling and intellectually stimulating time in my life than any other!

All that said – here are my favorite blog posts I wrote this year. It’s been a weird and wonderful writing year for me!

Sex Toys

• My first post of the year was my review of the Jimmyjane Little Chroma, a toy I accused of deceptive marketing, among other things. (To this day, it sits in one of my drawers, untouched since I finished that review…)

• Another toy I hated this year: the dreadful, agonizing Lelo Ida. The pain may have been worth it, though, because my experiences with the Ida made for a good disaster story to tell at sexy storytelling event Tell Me Something Good, which I guest-judged in December.

• Inspired by a friend who says she doesn’t like vibrators because they feel like “having sex with a robot,” I wrote about reasons some people hate vibrators and possible solutions to those problems.

• My favorite review I wrote this year was my comparison between the Aslan Jaguar and RodeoH harnesses. It was fun to write, and it was even more fun to model these two gorgeous harnesses for the photos!

• I listed my top 5 all-time favorite dildos and explained why each is indispensable to my solo sex life. All hail great dongs!

Porn

• Some friends of mine founded Spit and I reviewed it. Spoiler alert: I loved it. And since I wrote that review, they have delved into the world of video: check out this hot Scarlet and Calvin scene and Emma getting frisky with a pomegranate!

• As always, I had a wonderful time at Feminist Porn Week, so I wrote about the highlights. Periodically I still look at that picture of Dylan Ryan and Danny Wylde and just sigh in contented disbelief that I was ever in a room with those two eloquent stunners.

• I reviewed Erika Lust’s XConfessions site and swooned over the splendid visuals and hot premises. Yum yum.

How-To Guides and Lists

• My most popular post of the year, bar none, was the piece I wrote about how to fulfill your fetish online without being an asshole. It seems to have struck a chord with fetishists and harassment victims alike. If one of your 2015 resolutions is to be a kinder, more respectful person in the sexual realm, you might want to give this one a read. (And if you’ve resolved, instead, to be less of a doormat when people harass you, feel free to forward them the link!)

• Another very popular post of mine this year was my guide to accepting desire when you feel insecure. I hope to write more about the intersection between sexuality and self-love in the new year, since I think it’s an incredibly important topic and one that many people struggle with.

• Ever wonder how to make yourself more attractive? I wrote 10 quick tips. And none of them demand that you starve yourself, go to the gym more, slather on makeup, or put on a fake personality to appease potential suitors. Fuck that noise!

• In an attempt to bridge the gap between my twin interests in makeup and sex, I tested and wrote about the best lipsticks to wear while giving a blowjob. I’ve received several tweets and emails since then from people who’ve bought the products I recommended and are loving them. Yay!

• Having been a hardcore journal-writer since practically infancy, I felt qualified to tell you how to journal your way to a better sex life. Amazing what a little self-reflection can do.

Personal Posts

• In February I experimented with breath and energy orgasms, as per the advice in Barbara Carrellas’ excellent book Urban Tantra. I didn’t have a full-on orgasm from these techniques and still haven’t, but breathwork has nonetheless become an important part of my orgasmic practice. (Hang tight, I might write more about that soon!)

• In March, this blog turned two years old, and I wrote about 10 things I learned since starting my blog.

• I suffered a bout of constipation and somehow managed to cure it with a butt plug and some lube. (This was perhaps my most embarrassing, “TMI” post of the year. It felt, and still feels, scary to have that kind of thing up on the internet. But this whole blog is a constant exercise in shamelessness and fearlessness and I think that’s a good thing!)

• When my 3.5-years-long relationship ended in August, I wrote about the joys of the single life. In 2015 I’m looking forward to continuing my current uncoupled state and thinking very carefully before jumping into any new relationships. If it does happen, I want it to be really, really right. Otherwise, what’s the point?

• I went off hormonal birth control and my mental health immediately and massively improved. And I was mad about it.

• I didn’t have a very adventurous sex life this year, so maybe the most extreme thing I did was sell my panties to a stranger. It was fun and the money was decent, so I hope to do it more in 2015!

What were your biggest achievements this year? What do you hope to do next year?

The Best and Worst Sex Toys of 2014

Kate Sloan

Having strong feelings about sex toys is kind of in my job description. I’ve been doing it all year long.

Normally I would write a wrap-up covering only toys that I reviewed this year, like I did for 2013. But I actually didn’t review as many toys this year, and most of the ones I did review, I didn’t like.

So, in lieu of doing a standard best-and-worst-of-the-year list, I’m just going to tell you what I loved and hated most this year, regardless of when I reviewed it or when it came out. Some classics are classic for a reason, y’know?

The best of the best

Best new vibrator: Pickings were slim this year as far as good new vibrators go. My favorite one I personally tried was the Revel Body SOL, though it still has its issues (like making me feel alternately overstimulated and understimulated until, finally, I somehow have an orgasm).

Best old vibrator: My ol’ faithful, the Eroscillator, still sits on my nightstand at all times (except when I’m using it, of course) and is the toy I reach for when I want to get off quickly and easily. Honorable mentions go to the always-satisfying, hella-rumbly We-Vibe Salsa and Tango, though I still hate their finicky charger (surely someone wants to gift me the new version for Christmas?!).

Best new dildo: The Tantus Slow Drive came out on top. I was pleasantly surprised by its G-spotting abilities and I liked that it comes in two different length options. The short purple one holds a place of honor on my desk at the moment.

Best old dildo: The Fleshjack Boys line has been out for years but I only recently fell in love with the magnificent monster of a cock that is the Brent Everett dildo. My review is coming soon; hold tight!

Best anal toy: I had neutral-to-negative feelings about every single anal toy I tried this year. (Dramatic, disappointed sigh.) So this award goes to my Njoy Pure Plug because a) it’s still terrific and b) it cured my constipation in June (in conjunction with some lube with possible laxative qualities).

Best harness: I’m not sure I’ve ever felt sexier than I do while wearing my Aslan Jaguar. Here’s hoping I’ll actually have occasion to use it in 2015!

The worst of the worst

Most painful toy: Oh god. My innards cringe at the memory. This title is jointly awarded to the Lelo Ida, which I compared to having a sharp rock in your vagina, and the Pipedream Metal Worx Luv Plug, which just did not get along with my buttcheeks in the slightest.

Worst marketing: I raged over the nauseatingly gendered marketing of Pink and Gun Oil lubes, and the fact that the “male” version is literally the exact same product but is cheaper. I also went “WTF” along with the whole sex blogosphere when Lelo launched the Pino; here’s Epiphora taking it to task.

Worst sex toy innovation: I love you, Tantus, but the Plunge paddle-dildo hybrid confused me and just did not work.

What sex products did you hate and love this year?

I Sold My Panties to a Stranger

Kate Sloan

Years ago, I heard a rumor about an ex-girlfriend of mine that I considered very unsavory. The rumor was that she had taken up selling her used panties to random dudes she found via Craigslist, in order to earn a little extra spending money.

My feminism wasn’t as evolved then as it is now, so my first reaction was one of disgust and pity. My attitude toward her was slut-shaming, though I’m not sure I knew that term back then. I thought someone would have to be really desperate and depraved to do what she was (reputedly) doing.

Granted, I think we may have been about 17 then, so there was an element of age-related weirdness on top of all the other weirdness I thought I perceived. But now, seemingly aeons later, not only have my feelings on that ex’s panty-selling evolved, but I’ve actually been wanting to try it out myself. Why not, right? I’ve got panties, I could use more money, and it would be like a very basic form of the ethical fetishism I’m always advocating for.

I posted half-heartedly on Reddit’s /r/pantyselling forum a couple of times, with photos, descriptions and prices. But no buyers went for my wares. That forum relies on a feedback system, and it’s also often the women with sexier pictures (and “sexier” bodies) who get voted to the top for maximum visibility. I thought there was no interest and abandoned the task for a couple months.

Then, however, I tweeted about it – and almost immediately, I attracted the interest of a guy who follows me on Twitter. It makes sense, now that I think about it, that people who already “know me” (even if it’s just via the internet) would have more of an interest in buying my panties: as with most fetish objects, it’s not just about the object, but also about the fantasy behind the object – which may include the person behind the object. This guy had read about my masturbatory adventures here on my blog so he knew what he was getting himself into.

We emailed back and forth for a while, negotiating type and number of pairs to be sold (1 thong and 1 pair of briefs), what would be done to them (soaked through with vaginal fluids), and how much they would cost ($20 each plus shipping). Fortunately we were able to come to an agreement pretty painlessly; he didn’t ask me for anything that made me uncomfortable.

Well, except for when he asked if I could make a video to go along with the pictures I’d be sending. That made me a little apprehensive, not because I’m averse to someone owning a video of me masturbating but more because I am soooo not a performer/exhibitionist and just don’t feel sexy in front of a camera, ever. But he made it clear that any video or audio would just be an added bonus and not part of the core price he was paying me, so I didn’t feel obligated to do it, and he wasn’t upset that I didn’t end up doing it.

His main request was that he wanted the two pairs I was sending to be as soaking wet as I could get them. I’m not a squirter, so this doesn’t happen instantaneously; it takes work and time to get me to an adequate level of wetness. That’s why I normally use lube when I jerk off – but, of course, I wasn’t being paid for panties soaked with artificial lubricant. So I had to do it for real.

I felt a bit of performance anxiety even though I wasn’t being filmed. There was pressure: to smell fresh (I showered thoroughly before each play session), to get super wet (I warmed up with lots of porn and erotica and then drew out my sessions much longer than I normally would, for maximum saturation, so to speak), and to be sexy in my correspondence (my approach to sexual chatting is usually less “smoldering and risqué” and more “dorky and honest”).

I also felt embarrassed that my panties aren’t tiny. I’m not a small person. I wear a size 10 or 12 on my bottom half, putting me right on the (admittedly arbitrary) cusp between “regular” and “plus” sizes, and I always feel self-conscious about that in sexual situations unless the person has explicitly admitted to liking my body or liking chubbier bodies in general. Fortunately it wasn’t an issue at all. I think my patron was more focused on the wet crotch of the panties than their dimensions.

I sold two pairs of panties and had two orgasms in each pair, which isn’t typical for me (I’m not very multi-orgasmic). I sealed each pair in an individual Ziploc bag and crammed them into a little bubble mailer. Then I took them to the post office and anxiety-sweated through the mailing process. (I thought they were going to ask me to fill out a customs form explaining what was in the package. Luckily, they didn’t, because my buyer was from the same country as me.)

He received the package a couple days later and seemed happy with its contents. I was two pairs of underwear poorer and $40 richer. If you’re wondering: I went out and spent the money on some fancy scented candles for my workspace. Re-investing sexy-on-the-internet money into my sexy-on-the-internet work environment, you might say. It makes a certain sense to me.

Anyway, after all that rambling, I want to hear from you… Have you ever sold your underwear, or any other fetish object? How did you go about it? Would you consider doing it again?

New Year’s Resolutions for Sex-Positive Do-Gooders

Kate Sloan

December is one of my favorite months, because I love obsessively plotting how I’m going to change when the new year rolls around. Even if the changes don’t stick, that weeks-long period of planning is delicious. But, of course, it’s better if the changes do stick!

I’m going to do another post all about my personal sexual goals for 2015 when it gets a little closer to the new year, but for now, here are some new year’s resolutions you might want to think about adopting for yourself. At the very least, you can use them as a starting point for brainstorming your own big changes and exciting plans!

Volunteer your time at a pro-sex cause.

I have some friends who volunteer at Planned Parenthood’s TEACH program, and some other friends who do work for their local campus sex education centres. I know someone who helps abortion clinic visitors get from the street into the clinic without being accosted by protesters. As for me, I’ve spent years helping out at an emotional support hotline for LGBT youth and an online community for gender-non-conforming folks. These are just a few of the ways you can contribute to your local sex-positive scene.

Volunteering is a really rewarding way to spend your time. It might be something for you to consider if you’ve been feeling a little purposeless or directionless lately, or even if you just want to make some new friends and fill out your days (or pad your resumé!) a little more.

Take up a positive practice for your body.

I don’t just mean “have more athletic sex.” Although, you could always do that too.

In this mind-centered, desk-oriented culture, too many of us ignore our bodies and get all up in our heads. This can result in a feeling of disembodiment, and often, a lot of aches and pains. (I myself have been dealing with a stubborn shoulder-and-neck situation for weeks from overcommitting to desk work. Yuck.)

Here are some habits you could take up in 2015 that would be really good for your body: yoga, swimming, pilates, jogging, long meditative walks, dance classes, cardio classes, strength training, hula hooping, getting regular massages, starting every morning with a few minutes of stretching… Pick something which feels manageable for your body, lifestyle, and finances, and which makes your heart leap in your chest at the thought of it!

Invest in your sexual health.

Throw out all your nylon underwear and buy all-cotton pairs. Get a menstrual cup if you’ve been wanting one. Upgrade your birth control to a longer-term and/or less annoying form. Ditch and replace any toxic or porous toys you own. Go get those STI tests you’ve been putting off.

Make your frequent sex location(s) more inviting.

It is amazing what new bedding and a few scented candles can accomplish!

Think: what bums you out about the place(s) where you most often have sex, and how could you solve those problems? Mood lighting, better heating, air freshener, wall art? Curtains, carpeting, a neater organization system? Groovier music? Make it happen!

Go deeper into your gender.

Weird phrasing, maybe, but here’s what I mean: whatever gender(s) you identify as, you probably feel hotter/cuter/better when you go balls-to-the-wall with your gender presentation.

Think about what visual or tactile elements could increase the pleasure you take in your gender presentation, and try to incorporate them more often. I’m femme as fuck so for me this would mean things like wearing lipstick more regularly, buying warmer tights so I can wear skirts and dresses more often, and stepping up my skincare and haircare so I feel prettier on a day-to-day basis. How could you enhance, and luxuriate in, your gender as much as possible next year?

Be a sex-positive friend.

I’m going to write a full post about this eventually, because I think it’s really important to support your friends non-judgmentally in their (safe, consensual) sexual endeavors.

If you’ve got a friend who’s never been to a sex shop, maybe you could take them. If your buddy gets nervous about going to get tested, you could accompany them to the clinic. If your amigo expresses interest in an unusual fetish or sexual practice, you could help them do their research while affirming and encouraging their explorations. Be like a sexy fairy godmother to all your nearest and dearest!

What do you hope to do differently in 2015?