Feminist Porn Week Diary, Part 3: Fuck Dolls, Phoenixes, & Accountability

Kate Sloan

On Thursday April 16th I went to the Public.Provocative.Porn screening at the Bloor cinema. Good For Her hosts this event each year as an accompaniment to the Feminist Porn Awards: it’s an opportunity for attendees to see a broad sampling of the nominated porn films before the awards ceremony.

I crowded into the theatre with a tiny cup of wine and some peanut M&Ms from the Dollarama next door and settled in to watch the 14 (!) different porn shorts on the program. There was a lot to talk about in those clips but here are some personal highlights:

• Last year’s Heartthrob of the Year, Zahra Stardust (a.k.a. the world’s cutest Australian femme princess), screened her film “Fuck Dolls,” in which she and Lexi Laphor writhe around on the girliest bed of all time, fucking with Barbies. By which I mean both “making Barbies fuck each other” and “using Barbies as sex toys.” Zahra wears silver glittery thigh-high boots, there’s a pink sheath over her Hitachi, and the whole film is chock full of cute girly underwear. I turned to my friend and said, “This is the femmiest thing I’ve ever seen in my LIFE!” and she replied, “I know! This is my dream!!”
• Tobi Hill-Meyer’s film “Bound By Borders” is a “docu-porn” in which she and her long-distance partner intermittently have sex and discuss the injustice of their situation: immigration laws, marriage laws, discrimination against poly relationships, etc. We got only a brief taste of the film at the screening but it was enough to leave me and my friend crying quietly into our sleeves. I’d love to see more of this blend of real-world unsexy emotions with sex in the porn of the future.
• Skyler Braeden Fox made his film “Hello Titty” as a goodbye to his breasts before getting top surgery. What we saw was trippy as fuck and included my favorite on-screen domme, Sadie Lune, being delightfully weird and capping off the scene with a lactation money shot. Yes, you read that right.
• I was excited to finally get to see a clip from Shine Louise Houston’s side project Heavenly Spire, after hearing her mention it at the Feminist Porn Conference two years ago and being immediately intrigued. It’s a porn series that celebrates masculinity on all sorts of different bodies. The clip we saw was a kinky tryst between two cis guys, and it was hot as fuuuuck.

After the screening, there was a brief Q&A with some of the filmmakers and performers. It was cool to see so much local Toronto talent on that stage, including my buddies at Spit!

The next night, Friday April 17th, was the centrepiece of the whole week: the Feminist Porn Awards gala! I spent a couple hours getting thoroughly dolled up (outfit details in a minute) and then rode the subway to the Capitol Event Theatre. (Taking public transit while in full formalwear is always a laugh and a half, lemme tell ya.)

I arrived during the pre-show cocktail hour for VIPs and nominees (and media folks comme moi), so I spent some time milling around the bar sipping white wine and chatting with various porno folks. I am super awkward and the idea of approaching my favorite pornographers to compliment their work is utterly terror-inducing, but I managed it a couple times with the help of alcohol. Hallelujah!

As per usual, the event was emcee’d by Ryan G. Hinds and Lex Vaughn. Some of the presenters were folks I know, like Sophie Delancey and Sam Leigh from Tell Me Something Good, and fellow sex bloggers Lorax of Sex and Kara Sutra. The acoustics in the theatre unfortunately made it really hard to hear what people were saying, but, y’know… they looked fantastic.

CoCo La Creme did some burlesque for us, and was ravishing as always. Her act involved a gas can and a handful of baby oil. The crowd was flabbergasted in the best possible way.

Morgana Muses won the Heartthrob of the Year award, which, hell yeah. She got involved in porn after leaving her marriage in her mid-40s, and the film for which she was nominated this year showed her suspended in gorgeous rope bondage, dressed as a stunning phoenix, symbolizing her “rebirth from the ashes” of her old life. I watched the scene in awe and it is a perfect example of how so much eclectic, emotional, life-affirming stuff shows up under the umbrella of feminist porn. I’ve never walked away from a mainstream porn scene feeling profoundly affected or inspired to change my whole life around, but feminist porn has this effect on me regularly. Amazing.

I was also thrilled about Spit winning an honorable mention award. They’re still a very new company but are deadset on proving they earned this honor and having even better stuff to show off next year, and I totally believe they can do it!

There was some controversy surrounding the FPAs this year, which unfortunately the hosts opted to make light of instead of addressing in any real way. Tobi Hill-Meyer’s acceptance speech on behalf of Courtney Trouble touched on these issues in a tactful and respectful manner; I’m glad someone said something about it (thank you, Tobi) and I sincerely hope the FPAs will address some of the community’s concerns by next year.

Before I sign off this series, some quick outfit pictures!

For the Thursday night screening, I kept things casual and wore a lilac tank top tucked into a black bandage skirt, with a black leather jacket and harness boots. My lips were also painted deep purple, because the feminist porn crowd is a community that can truly appreciate a gothy lip, methinks.

For the awards gala, I wore a strapless black tulle dress that I’d scored at Value Village for $10 (#blessed) with red T-strap heels and a little red bag, both also thrifted. I did a red lip with NARS Cruella and a L’Oreal glossy stain, and felt preeeeetty babely.

Well, that’s my whole Feminist Porn Week wrap-up! (Read the two previous parts here and here.) How did your week go?

Feminist Porn Week Diary, Part 2: Dildo Platters & Tampon-Twirling

Kate Sloan

On Wednesday April 15th I went to the Royal Cinema to see Erika Lust speak about her vision for the future of porn. After her brief talk, she screened several scenes from her inspirational paysite XConfessions – which, as you might remember from my review, I loooove!

Erika’s porn is aesthetically gorgeous, undeniably feminist, and often quite funny. When “I Wish I Was a Lesbian” started playing, I turned to my friend and said, “This is the one with the platter of dildos!!” and I think she thought I was joking… There was also a scene where a man fellated a penis-shaped lollipop in the middle of a public park, during which the audience laughed uproariously. Erika’s sense of humor really shows through in her porn, in addition to her sexual and artistic proclivities!

I think my favorite scene I saw at that screening, however, was “Dude Looks Like a Lady,” in which a seemingly straight cis man starts dressing up in drag and is surprised to discover his partner gets turned on by it. This scene is such a perfect example of how Erika refuses to shy away from topics other porn companies might find distasteful or just hard to categorize.

My outfit that night included a navy and white striped shirt tucked into a black and white polka-dotted skirt, with red tights, red lipstick, and black Doc Martens. I was kind of going for a “50 shades of grey” theme, because of where my evening went next…

After the XConfessions screening, I literally sprinted to the streetcar stop so I’d be on time for the Drunk Feminist Films screening of 50 Shades of Grey. Drunk Feminist Films is a new screening series at the Revue Cinema and it is exactly what it sounds like: a bunch of clever intersectional feminists crowd into a theatre, load up on wine and beer (if they want to), and watch a movie through an analytical lens. Now that’s my idea of fun!

DFF’s 50 Shades event began with a brief talk on BDSM and consent given by kinkster, trauma survivor, and game-maker Soha Kareem. She contextualized the abuse perpetrated by Christian Grey by contrasting it with how real kinksters operate. I felt so proud and fortunate to be at the kind of event where this potentially life-saving information was expressed.

We were all given fliers bearing the drinking game rules for the movie. They encouraged us to drink every time Christian employed abusive tactics, every time Christian ignored something Ana said, every time Ana said something self-effacing, and so on. Needless to say, most of us got pretty drunk. (That movie is a fucking mess.)

My favorite thing about this event, however, was the feeling of feminist sisterhood directed at Ana’s character. Lots of 50 Shades critics have targeted Ana as complicit in her own abuse, or stupid and naive – but at the Drunk Feminists screening, we were encouraged to yell “AGENCY!” and twirl tampons in the air* every time Ana stood up for herself. And, contrary to what I remembered from the last time I saw the film, there were plenty of moments like this. I found myself practically crying each time Ana pushed back against Christian and the whole theatre of feminists erupted in applause and celebratory tampon-swinging.

*Yes, tampons were provided. Yes, it was awesome.

Then I rode home on the subway while sleepily resting my head on the shoulder of a feminist male friend of mine, who asked for my consent before stroking my hair in a comforting manner. So overall it was a pretty fantastically feminist evening!

The next and last part of my FPW wrap-up will cover the Thursday night screening and the Friday night awards gala, so watch out for that!

Feminist Porn Week Diary, Part 1: Burlesque, Disco, & Vulva Cupcakes

Kate Sloan

Last week was one of the busiest weeks of my life! I’ll be servin’ up my summary of the week’s festivities in three parts, to make sure I paint an adequate picture for y’all. Today’s part covers the weekend prior to the official porntastic week, and the event I attended the following Tuesday.

Saturday April 11th was the night of the CrushTO Spring Fling, a fundraiser for Toronto’s very own queer community centre. The centre’s Grand Ballroom had been decked out to look like the world’s cutest high school dance, and DJ Nate Nightcall kept the dance floor hopping with sweet disco tunes all night long.

I had been asked to play a song, which I did, sandwiched between two foxy burlesque performers. I was nervous but the crowd was totally supportive!

Raffle tickets were sold all evening, and around midnight, Jesse chose the winners at random. The prizes were awesome: event tickets, a pole-dancing class, a photography session, and more.

Outfit-wise, I went for a ‘50s femme vibe. I wore a green polka-dotted dress I’d picked up earlier in the week at a thrift store for $7 (seriously!!). I also wore my beloved Frye harness boots, rainbow heart earrings, and hot pink lipstick. Deeeefinitely felt pretty cute!

A few days later, on Tuesday April 14th, I went to Tell Me Something Good, a sexy storytelling event. They do one every month but this edition was particularly well-attended: the little Gladstone Melody Bar was packed, and folks squished in at small tables and even sat on the floor to listen to the sexy stories on offer.

The story theme this month was feminist porn (of course!), and Toronto’s sex-positive community happens to boast a high quotient of pornographers (Spit and Sophie Delancey come to mind), so several audience members had direct experiences with porn production/performance to share. We heard about awkward orgies, pixelated cocks, amateur photoshoot mishaps, personal empowerment through porn, and so much more.

In honor of Cake & Cunnilingus Day, Julia’s partner had baked vulva cupcakes. So cute!

I wore a blue vintage slip tucked into a high-waisted navy skirt – in part because I’d been invited to a porn pajama party later in the evening and I figured I could peel off my skirt and just rock my negligée at the party. (Multi-purpose dressing is a crucial skill for busy femmes!) Unfortunately I didn’t end up making it to the PJ party, but I still had a super fun night anyway. Tell Me Something Good is always a rollicking good time and I highly recommend it to anyone who lives in Toronto or plans on traveling here!

Stay tuned for the next part of my wrap-up, in which I’ll tell you all about my incredibly hectic Wednesday night!

Solid Sex Advice From My Grandmother

Kate Sloan

My Bubbie (Jewish grandmother) passed away a few years ago. She left me an assortment of things, from scarves to shoes to jewelry, but by far, the most enduring thing she left me was her advice.

I don’t think we ever talked about sex. We didn’t have that kind of relationship and she wasn’t that kind of person. But one piece of advice she gave me is extremely relevant to sex, whether or not she meant it to be.

Here’s what she told me: “You don’t ask, you don’t get.”

I most often heard her use this phrase in reference to beaurocratic processes: getting extra medical tests, nicer accommodations at a hotel, the right meal when the waiter brought you the wrong one, and so on. Her thinking was, it can’t hurt to ask. You might not get what you’re asking for, but you’ll be a lot likelier to get it than if you’d just stayed silent.

I think about this advice a lot, because it’s relevant almost constantly. I’m a shy person, not always skilled at advocating for myself or requesting the help I need. But I find, more often than not, that people are willing to help if you just make your desires known.

This comes up in sex all the damn time. Our cultural narratives tell us sex should be effortless and easy, and that if someone really loved you or was really good in bed, they’d be able to read your mind and give you what you want without you needing to ask.

Well, that’s nonsense. No one is a mind-reader, not even the Casanovas of the world. And while sexual chemistry can appear spontaneously with no effort required, it’s more often a collaborative creation: something you build with your partner through practice and, yes, communication.

If there’s something you want your partner to do, ask them. If they’re a decent person, the worst they can say is “No” – in which case, you’ll still be glad you asked, because at least now you know. And if they’re not a decent person, and they flip out at you or shame you, then you’ll know they aren’t worth one more millisecond of your time, and you can kick them out of your bed and your life with no hesitations.

All the best sexual adventures start with an idea and a little bravery. If you’ve already got your idea, then it’s time to be brave. Remember: you don’t ask, you don’t get!

Party Essentials for Foxy Femmes

Kate Sloan

It’s that time of year again: FEMINIST PORN WEEK! And you know what that means: I am going to zillions of events.

Seriously. My schedule is so crowded this week that I had to make a spreadsheet to keep track of the time and location of each event, how to get from one to the next on public transit, and what I plan on wearing to each.

I promise I will have a full and juicy wrap-up for you next week, complete with outfit photos – but for now, I’m still meticulously working out my schedule and throwing ensembles together. In that spirit, here are some things I think every femme ought to have in her arsenal for times such as these…

A pair of gorgeous shoes you can dance in

Define “gorgeous” however you please. My favorite shoes in the world are my Frye harness boots: thick black leather, a slight heel, incredibly comfortable, and just sliiiightly sexual (the harness on the side looks like, well, a dildo harness). I happily wear them everywhere except the most formal of occasions, and they serve me very well.

I also recently found this pair of cherry-red Sofft T-strap pumps at a thrift store for $10.50 (CAN YOU BELIEVE?!?) and they are surprisingly danceable. I plan on wearing them to the Feminist Porn Awards gala on Friday.

If comfort and mobility are what you’re after (and they should be), I recommend a Mary Jane, T-strap or ankle strap style. The extra support will keep the shoe on your foot more securely, making it easier to walk, run, dance or whatever without too much pain. (To be real with you, though: I’ve never met a pair of heels that didn’t hurt at least a little. I consider them a worthwhile/necessary evil for how cute they make me feel, however.)

A long-lasting lipstick that makes you feel radiant

Few things can light up your face like a well-chosen lip color. For parties, make sure you go with a longwear formulation so you can drink and/or kiss to your heart’s content. (Depending on the formula, some color might end up on your glass or your date, but if you choose well, it’ll stay on your face nonetheless!)

For parties, I tend to go with either a classic red or a hot pink. Kat Von D’s “Outlaw” is a total vixen red and Bite lipstick in “Violet” is the creamiest shocking pink I’ve ever found. If you like something a little subtler (or cheaper), trot down to your drugstore and grab one of those Revlon “balmstains” that look like oversized crayons; their balm-like formula can be worn lightly or heavily for different effects, and they really do stay comfortable and colorful all night long. (I think “Smitten” is the prettiest shade.)

A convenient bag containing everything you’ll need

By “convenient,” here’s what I mean: it should be small and light enough that you won’t be annoyed or in need of a massage by the end of the night, but it should be big enough to carry your crucial stuff. It should have a strap (shoulder, crossbody, or wrist) so you will have full use of your hands all evening (FUCK CLUTCHES, am I right?!). And, convenience aside, it should go with your outfit – which is why most of my “party bags” are an easy-to-match color like black or silver.

Here’s what you should pack for a party: your phone, a couple pieces of ID, whatever you need for travel (Metropass, car keys, etc.), slightly more cash than you think you’ll need, debit/credit cards, a camera (if your phone’s camera doesn’t meet your photographic standards), your lipstick, any other cosmetics you might need to reapply, a small mirror, condoms (even if you don’t need one, someone else might), and any medication or other necessary objects you need to have with you for safety reasons. You can bring more than that, if you want, but it probably won’t get used, so you might as well leave it at home.

Cute underwear

This is for two reasons. Firstly, you never know when someone attractive might see you in your skivvies. Secondly, you will feel more confident and adorable if you’re dressed well under your clothes. (Just ask Tori Amos if you don’t believe me.)

Fun hosiery

There are few things more delightful than having a new pair of kneesocks or thigh-high stockings to rock. Good legwear brings something extra to an outfit and is worth investing in, if you are femininely inclined.

American Apparel does my favorite stay-ups (which actually STAY UP, even on my chubby thighs! Hallelujah!) and I hear wonderful things about the socks and tights at Sock Dreams. I’m also ride-or-die for Hue opaque tights, which come in lots of fun colors and are just the best-quality hosiery I’ve ever found (I have pairs that I’ve owned for years without rips or runs!).

Fellow femmes: what clothes and makeup do you always have in hand in case of a Party Emergency?