Sex Toys Are a “Real Thing” Too

Kate Sloan

The cultural narrative which claims sex toys are just a substitute for the “real thing” is bullshit, and I’m sick and tired of it.

Masturbation is every bit as “real” and legitimate as sex with a partner, regardless of whether you use your hands, toys, or any other implement to do it.

I am sick of men who think it’s somehow appropriate or clever to tell me I should set my sex toys aside in favor of their cocks. This is not only gross because they are strangers and I have a boyfriend, but also because – hello?! – it is grossly presumptuous and arrogant for anyone to claim that they would do a better job at pleasing me than my sex toys would.

Sure, I love having sex with my boyfriend. But, to be honest, my Pure Wand hits my G-spot better than his penis does. And you know what? That’s okay! He understands and accepts that. His penis does not have a deep curve and it is not made of steel – nor would I want it to be that way!

I reject the idea that masturbation has to be “practice” or some kind of consolation prize for sex with another person. Sure, some people look at it that way, and some people would always rather be having sex than masturbating – but to me, the two are very separate arenas of my sex life and I don’t view them as being connected or necessarily having anything to do with one another.

Masturbation fulfills different needs than partner sex does. If I want intimacy, surprise, excitement, interaction, or to lie back and do nothing while receiving pleasure, partner sex is the way to go. If I want the exact kind of stimulation that gets me off, or I don’t feel like focusing on anything but myself, or I want to take a longer or shorter time getting myself off than a partner would like, I masturbate.

When people (let’s face it – men, always men) tell me about their ambitions to “replace” my sex toys with their throbbing hard cocks, or whatever, not only is that laughably unarousing to me, but it also erases my basic agency in my own sexuality. It communicates that these men think my masturbation is an illegitimate expression of my sexuality, that I can’t possibly experience pleasure without a man, and that I am sexually incompetent even when I’m all alone.

It reminds me of the idea that women shouldn’t get “too dependent” on their vibrators, because it might make them unable to enjoy sex. Uh, what about women who – like me – routinely use vibrators during sex? What about women whose partners use vibrators on them? What about women who have tricky clits that practically never get off without the help of a vibrator, and never did?

I am bored of everything and anything that invalidates women’s sexual agency. It’s all a bunch of hogwash. Ladies, take back your sexual power and masturbate as much as you want, with whatever toys and tools you want, and don’t mind any men who want to tell you your masturbatory adventures pale in comparison to his cock. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about!

Has anyone ever tried to delegitimize your solo sex life? What happened? How did you respond?

Sharing the Sexy #19

Kate Sloan

• This website will deliver your sex toy purchases to your door within an hour if you live in the Toronto area. Oh my god, is this the future?!

• This poll infographic seeks to answer the question, what is and isn’t cheating?

• Ever wanted to become a sex toy reviewer like moi? Epiphora wrote a beginner’s guide and I give it an A+!

• Here’s some interesting stats about porn stars.

• This week I fell in love with Tits and Sass, a blog by and for sex workers.

• These stories about sex cults are intriguing and strange, as you might expect.

• New rumors are always cropping up about who will play Christian Grey in the 50 Shades film, and the current contender is Ed Westwick. I’d watch that.

• The genders aren’t as separate and different as you may think. Awesome!

Review: Jimmyjane Hello Touch

Kate Sloan

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I don’t know how to feel about Jimmyjane. Their Form 2 is one of my favorite vibrators ever, but I hated their Iconic Rabbit. I enjoy their elegant, minimalist designs and marketing, but at the same time, they can be really pretentious sometimes.

Their newest release is the Hello Touch, a duo of tiny vibrators that you strap onto your fingers and operate via a control panel embedded in an accompanying wristband. It pretty much straddles that line between Jimmyjane’s great qualities and its annoying ones.

This review is a hard one for me to write, because the Hello Touch is marketed as a couples’ toy, so both my opinion and my boyfriend’s should be reflected in the review – and we disagree on this toy.

I like the Hello Touch’s aesthetic – it reminds me of iPod earphones and those armbands that athletic folks tuck their iPods into – but my boyfriend says he thinks it’s ugly and tacky-looking.

The finger-bands fit my fingers fine, but on my boyfriend, they’re uncomfortably tight. His fingertips were literally purple after using the Hello Touch for 20 minutes or so, and I don’t think he has freakishly big hands for a man. (I don’t know what his ring size is, but mine is 6, if that helps you at all.)

Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but: the Hello Touch is not powerful. It’s marketed as being three times as strong as any other fingertip vibrator, and that may well be true, but fingertip vibrators are infamously weak. Furthermore, it has only one speed, which is a dealbreaker for many women – including me, usually.

The Hello Touch runs on two AAAA batteries (who the fuck has AAAA batteries just lying around their house, by the way? Not me!), but it’s not much stronger than your typical watch battery bullet. You have to keep in mind, though, that the Hello Touch is not the kind of vibrator you just set down on your clit and leave it there til you come; the vibrations are meant to enhance the stimulation already being provided by fingers, which explains why they’re not that strong on their own.

The wristband is comfortable, stretchy, and has a compartment for the vibrator’s battery pack, on which the on and off buttons are located. This would be a great design, except for the fact that the buttons are impossible to push through the fabric of the wristband. Seriously, you have to press down soooo hard to get the vibe to turn on – and I know it’s not just due to me being a weakling, because my boyfriend had the same trouble. Every time, we’ve had to take the battery pack out of the wristband compartment and turn it on that way, which ruins the intended convenience of the wristband system.

With all that said, though, I actually enjoy the way the Hello Touch feels. My boyfriend is great at fingering, but it’s not usually enough stimulation to get me off, so the vibrations are a welcome addition.

You can wear the little vibrators on your fingerpads for maximum power, or you can flip ‘em around to the backs of your fingers, so that your fingertips themselves will vibrate. I like that last way better, both when masturbating and when having my boyf use the toy on me. It just feels… cool.

My man feels very strongly that the Hello Touch messes up his fingering mojo. He says he can’t really feel what he’s doing when the vibrators are strapped to his fingers, both because of the physical presence of the vibrators and because his fingertips go numb within minutes. However, I never noticed his performance suffering from the Hello Touch getting in the way.

At $65, the Hello Touch is one of Jimmyjane’s cheaper offerings, but even that seems a bit steep for a one-speed fingertip vibrator. It offers some pleasant sensations and makes for fun partner play, but I don’t know if the pleasure it brings me is really worth that much.

Ask Girly Juice: Vibrator Recommendations

Kate Sloan

Anonymous asked: I’m writing to ask you to offer a suggestion that would have these attributes: cordless (preferably rechargeable), mostly clitoral, body-safe, variety of sensations and intensities, and design-conscious without breaking the bank. Thank you.

Okay, I think I can do that!

Lelo has a few that might work. The Mia 2 and Siri are both rechargeable, have a variety of modes and settings, and are not too pricey, particularly if you can find them on sale.

Vibratex makes the Mini Magic Wand, a rechargeable, multi-mode vibe that I haven’t tried but that gets pretty good reviews. I also know that masturbation guru Betty Dodson swears by the Mystic Wand, another massager-style vibe that has several different patterns and settings.

The We-Vibe Salsa and Tango might be on the upper end of your price range, but they are some of the best rechargeable clit vibes out there. Super rumbly, small, discreet, quiet, waterproof, and they have a few different modes.

If you want something that can also be inserted, the Fun Factory Little Paul is a good option (though, again, it might be at the top end of what you’re willing to spend if you’re on a budget). Fun Factory is known for its deep vibrations and adorable-looking toys.

Hope that helps!

Sharing the Sexy #18

Kate Sloan

• Sex-positive feminist podcast The G Spot has just released its entire first season as a Valentine’s Day gift for you or someone you love.

• How to have sex with a survivor. Important stuff.

• I think we can all agree that the new Fucking Sculptures line of glass dildos looks pretty damn excellent. I’m intrigued by the Corkscrew, and laughing at their choice of name for the Hooded Nun.

• Porn in space?! Oh man, this should be good.

• A line of lingerie for trans woman has launched.

• Interesting… Apparently gay and bi men are less depressed than straight ones. (Also, please watch the Steve Hughes video at the top of that post – it’s a classic!)

• He’s a dildo engineer and Reddit grilled him about his work. Incase you ever wondered. I know I did!

• When will feminists stop being equated with bitches?! And did it ever occur to the writer of that piece that maybe the reason it can be hard for a feminist to get with a man is not that she’s a bitch, but that he’s an ignorant, privileged asshole?

• Here’s some important information about the U.S.’s new birth control policies.

• Um, apparently Cosmo thinks you should wear Spanx on dates to keep you from having sex too soon?

• Here’s an amusing urban legend about sexual ignorance.

• Dodson and Ross explain how to use your PC muscle during sex.

• Call a spade a spade? Epiphora says call a sex toy a sex toy. What do you think?