How to Squirt

Kate Sloan

While I’ve written about squirting here on occasion, it occurred to me recently that I’ve never written an instructional piece on how I actually do it. And as someone who benefited from reading such instructional pieces before I learned to squirt, I thought it only fair that I pay it forward, like some kind of ejaculatory philanthropist.

 

FAQ

Q. What is squirting?

A. Squirting is sometimes also known as “female ejaculation,” but I don’t tend to use that term anymore because it’s trans-exclusionary. What we’re really talking about here is people with vaginas expelling a sexual fluid from their urethra (as opposed to from the vagina itself, where regular vaginal lubrication comes from), and not all people with vaginas are women so “squirting” is the more inclusive term. However, as with any other sexual language, it all really comes down to what feels hot and affirming to you and your partner(s), so if you want to call it something else, feel free.

Q. Is squirting really just peeing?

A. While I’ve no doubt that sometimes you might think you’re squirting and find that you’ve actually peed (and this has definitely happened to me), some science has shown – and I believe, based both on firsthand experience and on extensive research – that actual squirt is a chemically distinct substance from urine.

One of its defining features is that it contains – among other components – prostate-specific antigen (PSA), an ingredient also found in semen. A much-talked-about study which claimed to “prove” that squirt is urine actually did no such thing; you can read my explanation of why in this blog post (pay particular attention to reasons #6 and #1). Further, even if squirting was pee, in my view it would still be a sexual fluid since it’s emitted during sexual activity, and there’s nothing about pee that makes it any grosser than squirt or semen (especially since both of those fluids contain traces of pee due to where they’re emitted from).

Q. Does squirting feel good?

A. For me, it’s a pleasant release, but nowhere close to the intense pleasure of an orgasm. (On that note: squirting and orgasm don’t necessarily occur simultaneously, and experiencing one during a session does not guarantee you’ll experience the other in the same session.) To the extent that my partners and I enjoy it when I squirt, it’s usually more about the showiness of it and the sense of cathartic release than it is about the heights of pleasure.

Q. Is it still squirting if the liquid sort of gushes or leaks out, instead of spraying a great distance?

A. Yes. Assuming we’re talking about actual squirt (as opposed to just a lot of vaginal lubrication), the force at which it is expulsed will vary from person to person and from session to session, so there might not always be a big theatrical geyser like you’d see in porn. This is fine and doesn’t make you a less accomplished or less sexy squirter.

Q. When/how did you first learn to squirt?

A. I squirted for the first time in the summer of 2015, after trying to learn how for several years. Some resources which helped me were Deborah Sundahl’s book on the subject and my friend Epiphora’s blog posts about squirting, especially this one about her first time squirting. I was using the Njoy Eleven the first time I squirted; there will be more info about technique and toys below.

Q. Can anyone with a vulva squirt?

A. I don’t know for sure; I don’t think anyone really knows, as of yet (not least because vulvovaginal pleasure is a surprisingly understudied topic in science compared to, say, erectile dysfunction or sperm production – gee, wonder why). But if squirting is anything like the other various sexual responses the human body is capable of, then no, probably only some people can do it.

I would imagine that some of the factors involved in determining whether you can squirt are the distance between your vagina and your urethra, the sexual sensitivity of your G-spot, and the fitness and tightness of your pelvic muscles, but who the hell knows.

Q. Is this article a set of universal instructions that can help anyone learn to squirt?

A. Nope, it sure isn’t. This article describes the techniques that work for me when I want to squirt. I hope that they help you learn to squirt if that’s something you want to do, but they might not, and that’s okay too.

 

Preparation

Lay Down a Towel: One of the biggest hindrances to squirting for the first time is that the lead-up can make you feel like you’re going to piss the bed, and since most of us are literally trained from birth to avoid doing that, our muscles predictably tense up when we feel that feeling, preventing the squirt from flying free. For this reason, plus for general peace of mind and to reduce your laundry costs, I’d recommend laying down a thick towel (possibly folded over a few times, if it’s big enough) underneath yourself before you try to squirt. If you want to get really fancy, you can use a waterproof blanket instead, like the Liberator Throw.

Empty Your Bladder: Naturally, you’ll be less scared of pissing yourself if you know you emptied your bladder before you got started. (Side note: it’s also a good idea to pee after a squirting session, if you’re able to, as this can ward off UTIs. But some scientists think squirting’s evolutionary purpose is to ward off UTIs, so, who knows?)

Chill Out: Because squirting (in my experience) requires you to relax both your muscles and your mind, it’s worth doing some de-stressing before you attempt it. Take a hot bath, perhaps. Put your phone on Do Not Disturb. Play some relaxing music. Dim the lights. Draw the curtains. You get the picture.

Go Solo: When attempting anything new sexually, I often recommend doing it alone (if it’s a thing that can be done alone) before trying it with a partner. This is especially true when there is a risk of embarrassment or mess, and while there’s nothing intrinsically embarrassing about squirting, many people are horrified at the possibility of accidentally peeing on a partner. Unless you think your partner’s physical strength and/or emotional support would be vital in your squirting quest, I’d suggest keeping this a solo activity until you’re confident you know the mechanics of it and are ready to invite a partner into that experience.

 

Technique

Take Your Time Getting Turned On: In my experience, I will only squirt if I’m already very turned on and have been for at least 15-20 minutes or so. If I want a masturbation session to end in squirting, I’ll spend a long time warming myself up by watching porn or reading erotica, doing a lot of clitoral stimulation, etc. Likewise, if a partner wants to make me squirt, generally they’ll need to take their time with me. With rare exceptions, squirting is not a quickie-friendly activity for me.

Use Lube: The fast, hard thrusting often required for squirting is much easier to achieve if everything is well-lubed. Sutil Rich is my favorite lube and works with any toy material.

Warm Up the G-Spot: The G-spot, located 2-3 inches inside the vagina on the vaginal wall closest to your belly button, is usually considered the driving force behind squirting. But a lot of people report uncomfortable or painful sensations if they jump to intense G-spot stimulation before properly warming up the area. Start with gentle stimulation – I’d recommend using a finger or two to gently massage the G-spot while you use a vibrator or your other hand on your clit – and gradually increase the pressure and intensity as you get more turned on. If you start to feel discomfort, dial it back and re-focus on things that definitely feel good (usually clitoral stimulation) until your G-spot feels ready for more. Like other genital erectile tissue, the G-spot tends to swell up with arousal, which can be a useful clue that you’re on the right track.

Stimulate Your Clit: I’ve mentioned this several times already and will continue to mention it. Why? Because the clit is the centre of sexual response for most people with vaginas. It’s the anatomical equivalent of the penis, and just as it would be unreasonable to expect the average cis man to reach peak arousal levels with zero dick contact, it’s unreasonable to expect a vulva-possessing person to get highly aroused without clit contact. (It’s not unheard of, certainly – it just shouldn’t be your default expectation, unless you already know that clit stimulation doesn’t do much for you.) I usually stimulate my clit for several minutes before even attempting penetration, either with my hand or with a vibrator, and then continue stimulating it all the way through to orgasm. I’ll recommend some clitoral vibes in the toys section below. (Side note: while most people squirt most readily from G-spot stimulation, as described below, there are some people who report squirting from clit stimulation alone.)

Firm, Fast, Sustained G-Spot Stimulation: This is the key ingredient in squirting for most of the people I’ve talked to about it. Once you’re already super aroused, use upturned fingers or a firm G-spot toy (recommendations in the toys section below) to thrust against your G-spot, applying steady pressure. You might find that you want to thrust faster and harder as time goes on. If you notice a feeling of “escalation” or “building toward” something, lean into that feeling, even though it might be scary or overwhelming at first. Ditto with a feeling of “needing to pee” – remember that you already emptied your bladder and laid down a towel (right?), so you can follow that feeling and see where it leads you instead of worrying about it.

Bear Down: Although you might be used to clenching your pelvic muscles en route to orgasm, it’s often easiest to squirt if you bear down with your muscles, like you’re trying to push out whatever’s inside you. This has the effect of pressing your G-spot more firmly against the toy/fingers/dick you’re using and helping the squirt come out. If it feels unintuitive to do this, just keep practicing and it’ll eventually get easier, especially as you learn to associate that pushing-out feeling with pleasure.

Consider Trying Post-Orgasm: I actually most often squirt after orgasm, when my clit is satiated but my G-spot usually still feels hungry for more. At that point I’ll thrust a dildo (or have a partner do so) super fast and hard against my G-spot until I feel the release of squirting, then take a little break to catch my breath and do it again, repeating as needed until I feel that I’ve “emptied out” my G-spot/urethral sponge. I think the deep relaxation that sets in post-orgasm can be helpful for squirting, and so can the heightened levels of physical arousal/engorgement.

Remember, the Goal is Pleasure: Squirting is cool, but it’s not a big deal if you can’t do it, or haven’t learned yet. Beating yourself up about not being able to squirt (or, worse: a partner criticizing you for not being able to squirt) is pointless, because the point of all of this is to feel good and have fun. If trying to make yourself squirt is lessening your fun and/or pleasure, let go of that imperative if you can, and re-focus on feeling good. You might squirt, or you might not, but either way, it’ll be time well-spent if you were focused on enjoying yourself. And, as with falling in love, you might just squirt for the first time when you’ve released all expectations of doing so.

 

Toys

G-Spot Dildos:

  • The Njoy Pure Wand is widely considered one of the best squirt-inducing toys on the market. It has an intense curve that helps it locate your G-spot easily, is made of ultra-firm stainless steel, and has two differently-sized ends so you can experiment to figure out whether your G-spot prefers broader pressure or more pinpointed sensations. Its shape also makes it relatively easy to use on oneself or to have a partner use on you. Just keep in mind that you may have to test out different motions to find your favorite: if standard in-and-out thrusting feels weird, try rocking it in a C-shape, pressing the ball rhythmically against your G-spot, or massaging the ball in a circular motion against that spot. (Note: do not try to buy a Pure Wand from Amazon, as there’s no guarantee you’ll get an authentic one; most Amazon toys claiming to be the Pure Wand are low-quality counterfeit copies. And certainly do not get the Le Wand knockoff of the Pure Wand, as it’s a plagiarized design that is, incomprehensibly, more expensive than the real thing.)
  • The NobEssence Seduction is another toy that can reliably make me squirt. It’s quite firm and deeply curved like the Pure Wand, but is a lot lighter because it’s made of wood, so I find it easier to thrust with. Since it’s handmade in small batches and is therefore often sold out, I’ll note that the Dee Lee Doo Habu is similar, and cheaper.
  • The Pipedream Icicles No. 70 has a very similar shape to the NobEssence Seduction, above, but is made of glass and is much less pricey.
  • The Lelo Ella has a broad, flat head that might feel better for you if slimmer implements (like fingers or small dildos) have felt too pokey or triggered too much of that “need-to-pee” sensation for you. It’s also gentler than the other toys on this list because it’s made of silicone (albeit pretty firm silicone) and its neck has a bit of flexibility to it.
  • If your budget is very limited, try this $26 glass dildo – it has an excellent G-spot curve and is easy to thrust, plus you can use the other end if you’re ever in the mood for less G-spot-focused stimulation. Another great option is the Sinclair Institute Crystal G, which has an even deeper curve and costs just $30.
  • If you’re a size queen/king/monarch, you’d probably dig the legendary Njoy Eleven, the first toy that ever made me squirt. Like the Pure Wand, it’s made of super-firm stainless steel, but it gets its squirt-inducing powers moreso from its massive girth than from a curve (though it does have a slight curve to it). Of course, since this dildo is huge and made of metal, it’s pretty heavy and can be hard to thrust, especially if you have hand strength issues like me – but my partner loves to pound me with it, and can reliably make me squirt that way.
  • Speaking of hand strength issues, if you lack the ability to thrust a dildo fast/hard/for a sustained amount of time, I’d recommend investing in a Fun Factory Stronic G. This thing is an auto-thrusting device that trembles against the G-spot rhythmically, and it can usually make me squirt even if I’m having such a bad chronic pain flare-up that I can’t physically hold a dildo.
  • The Lelo Mona 2 is technically a G-spot vibrator, not a dildo, but its shape is so fantastic for G-spot stimulation that it can make me squirt with or without the vibrations turned on. Some people find that vibrations on their G-spot make squirting easier to achieve; I think this is the best tool for the job if that’s the case for you.

Clitoral Toys:

  • If you already have a clit toy you love, there’s no need to buy a different one for the sake of learning to squirt. It’s all about what reliably turns you on and feels good for you. So pair your favorite clit vibe with one of the G-spot toys listed above, or another G-spot toy you enjoy, and give it a shot.
  • That being said, my all-time fave clitoral toy is the Eroscillator Top Deluxe. It oscillates instead of vibrating, so it doesn’t cause me as much numbness/desensitization as many other clit toys do, and its oscillations also seem to get deeper into my internal clitoris, which I think helps with squirting.
  • The We-Vibe Tango X has powerful, rumbly vibrations, and is small enough to be unobtrusive when paired with a G-spot dildo, so I think it’s a fantastic addition to any squirting sesh.
  • For a budget pick, I like the BMS Factory Essential Bullet. It’s a simple bullet vibe with an impressive motor for its $25 price tag.
  • Some people prefer the more subtle sensations of pressure-wave stimulation over vibration, especially when trying to focus moreso on G-spot pleasure. In this category, I love the We-Vibe Melt, Womanizer Premium 2, Lora DiCarlo Baci and Lelo Sila.

 

Fellow squirters, what toys, tips and techniques helped you most in learning to squirt?

Review: Upko Invisible Mouth Gag

Kate Sloan

Many people enjoy the power imbalance and sense of vulnerability that can be created when one partner wears a gag during a kink scene, whether it be a ballgag, a bit gag, or some other type. But a common issue with gags is that – of course – your mouth isn’t really useable or fuckable while there’s a big piece of silicone shoved into it.

Various makers of BDSM gear have attempted to address this with inventive open-mouth gag designs, and some kinksters even repurpose Jennings gags, which help dentists keep patients’ mouths wide open during oral surgeries. But a brand called Upko took an approach to this problem that I’ve never seen before, by selling an “invisible” gag that simultaneously prevents you from talking and keeps your mouth agape and useable. Let’s talk about it.

Image via Upko

What is this gag and how does it work?

The Upko Invisible Mouth Gag comes in two main pieces, which attach at the back of the head via a strap.

Each piece features a rounded-off silicone wedge that you’re meant to bite down on, so that the gag mostly stays in place due to the pressure of your teeth. As a result, the middle of your mouth is left wide open.

 

You’re welcome for these extremely attractive photos 😇

A note on drool

In my experience, all gags promote drooling. I think this is due to the combination of having a foreign object in your mouth and no longer having the ability to swallow your spit as much or as easily.

A lot of people get nervous about wearing gags because they’re embarrassed at the thought of drooling profusely. However, if your partner is into the idea of you wearing a gag, odds are good that they’re also into the idea of you drooling. A lot of the kinky pleasure of using gags is about the vulnerability they create in the wearer, which can (optionally) tie into kinks like humiliation and objectification. For many doms, it’s super hot to see their sub drooling uncontrollably with a gag in. If you’re not sure how your partner feels about drooling during sex/kink, ask them – you might be surprised at what they say!

For similar reasons, you probably don’t need to worry about looking weird/ugly while wearing a gag. Like, yes, it’s not the most flattering look by conventional beauty standards, but plenty of kinksters aren’t that interested in conventional beauty standards anyway, as evidenced by how many doms adore the appearance of smeared lipstick, ruined mascara, ripped tights, etc. during scenes. You’ll enjoy yourself more while wearing a gag if you can accept that looking pretty is not the point – or that maybe looking vulnerable and subby is looking pretty, in the eyes of your dom.

 

Things I like about this gag

  • While we’re talking about drool: I drool a lot with this gag in. I think the open-mouth design makes it much easier for drool to spill out, which my partner finds hot.
  • The gag is relatively comfortable during use, which I wasn’t expecting. I find it less invasive and unsettling to bite down on a gag with my teeth than to have it shoved far back on my tongue, which tends to make me gag in the not-fun way. It doesn’t hurt my teeth, either, because the silicone you’re biting into is very squishy.
  • With this gag in, my mouth is indeed open wide enough that I can get face-fucked or give oral sex, especially if I bite down on the gag with my very back teeth. I wasn’t able to continue a blowjob “to completion” with the gag in, though, because it eventually got uncomfortable and made me feel like I was gonna puke (which, to be fair, would probably happen with any gag), so I just took it out to finish the job.
  • I really like the idea of this gag, having never really seen a design quite like it. Since the effectiveness and comfort of a gag really depend on your specific mouth and what it can handle, it’s good that there are plenty of different gag styles out there for different people to experiment with. If ballgags and bit gags have been untenably uncomfortable for you, it’s possible that this style of gag would work better.
  • The back strap is adjustable, with 8 different tightnesses to choose from, so this gag should fit a broad range of head sizes and tightness preferences.
  • I like that the part that goes in your mouth is made of silicone. Rubber gags, which are still sadly pretty common, are porous, meaning that they hold onto any bacteria that gets into their pores and can never be fully cleaned. Obviously, this really isn’t ideal for something that goes into your mouth, especially since the bacteria build-up can also lead to weird tastes and smells. All of that is avoided when the gag is made of silicone, as this one is, because silicone is non-porous and you can wash it and/or sanitize it in the same ways you’d clean any other silicone sex toy (just make sure to separate the silicone parts from the leather parts first).
  • The aesthetic is classic and cute. Red, black, and gold is a color combo that reminds me (regrettably) of Christian Grey, but I have to admit it looks good and would match a lot of people’s bedroom decor and plenty of other bondage equipment.
  • This gag is small and slim compared to a traditional ballgag, so it might be better for tossing into a suitcase or purse for on-the-go kink play (and might not be as immediately recognizable as a gag to nosy relatives or TSA agents).
  • My only other association with biting down on a squishy-but-firm object that keeps my mouth open is being at the dentist, so I can see how this gag would work excellently for dentistry-related roleplays. (Horny dentist taking advantage of their innocent patient, anyone?)
  • It’s really, really easy for the person wearing the gag to just spit it out or let it fall out if they want to. This can be a good thing if you’re a beginner and/or nervous about using a gag, because you can un-gag yourself quickly and without assistance if you need to.

 

Things I don’t like about this gag

  • As mentioned above, it’s very easy for the wearer to spit the gag out or let it fall out at any time, which you might not appreciate if you’re into gagging that feels forced or inescapable. The gag also fell out accidentally a few times while I was testing it, which was annoying, as we had to pause the scene to put it back in, and would’ve had to go rinse it off if it had fallen on the floor.
  • For some unfathomable reason, the parts of the gag that you actually bite down on can be separated from the long pieces of silicone attaching them to the straps. This strikes me as a choking hazard, since – if you bit down hard enough and tugged on the gag straps at just the right angle – the parts could separate and then you’d have a big piece of silicone just… loose in your mouth. For that reason, this gag doesn’t feel super safe to me and I would be hesitant to use it during any kind of rough play.
  • When I gave my partner oral sex while this gag was in, they reported that it didn’t feel as good as usual because I couldn’t apply as much suction and my teeth were more in the way than they might normally be. The visual of my drooly gagged mouth made up for these deficits for them, though – and also, their dick is pretty girthy, so I think small-to-average penises would have an easier time fitting into the mouth of someone wearing this gag.
  • The instructions that come with the gag are minimal and poorly written. Since its design is unusual, I think clearer instruction is warranted. There’s also no safety info in the instructions, other than a warning that you should agree on a safe-signal (a non-verbal safeword) before you start. That’s good advice, but given that gags are risky to use and this one is especially so, it’s worrisome that there are no other safety warnings/tips in the instructions.
  • While Upko assures me that the straps are made of real Italian leather – and actually produced importation documents to prove it – the leather doesn’t feel as buttery-soft and high-quality as some of my nicer leather kink gear (for example, anything made by Aslan Leather). But it’s still nice that it’s actual leather.
  • I don’t think this product should cost $79.99, which is its current retail price on the Upko website. For comparison, a couple of other silicone gags I enjoy – the Zalo red rose one and the Unbound Bit – go for $65 and $39, respectively, and are better-constructed than this one. Personally I wouldn’t pay more than $40 for a gag like this.

 

Final thoughts

While the Upko Invisible Mouth Gag is beautiful and is certainly different from any other gag in my collection, I think it’s way too expensive and kind of a safety hazard. I’d only recommend it if you love its design and/or think it would be comfier for you than traditional gag styles. Or if you want to do a dentistry roleplay, in which case, open wide and say “aaah!”

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

People Can Dress Slutty If They Want to, Dammit

Kate Sloan

I was interested in fashion from a young age, and so I started reading fashion magazines in my early teens or perhaps even before that. There’s a lot of positive stuff I took away from those mags – including the overall sense of feeling justified in caring about clothes, because so many other people evidently did too – but I think that consuming that type of media at such a young age also kicked off a lot of insecurities for me.

And frankly, it may not even matter that much what age you are when you read fashion magazines. One of the first pieces of advice I give to people who ask me how they can develop more body confidence is to immediately stop consuming media that is critical of people’s bodies, and lord knows fashion magazines are included in that category. Even the well-intentioned ones use coded terms like “flattering” when they mean “makes you look thinner,” or “professional” when they mean “helps you meet the sexist, racist and ableist standards of the hegemonic class.” Truly, it’s astonishing how much ideological garbage you have to wade through just to find info about what denim silhouettes are trending or which up-and-coming shoe designers to check out.

But what I want to talk about today is whorephobia and slut-shaming in fashion, which sadly seem to be nearly as rampant now as they were 20ish years ago when I picked up my first issues of Seventeen, CosmoGirl and Teen Vogue. People still talk about “dressing slutty” or “showing too much skin” as if they were mortal sins, even people who really ought to know better. It’s fucking bullshit. Here are a few of the many reasons why.

 

Reason #1: Who cares?

Sure, there are situations in which showing off large swathes of your body could be inappropriate or get you in trouble. I can understand, for example, why you might not want your young child to wear a miniskirt so short that she could unintentionally flash people, or why it would be inappropriate to wear a bikini to a funeral (most funerals, anyway).

But assuming we’re talking about a grown adult who isn’t beholden to a strict work dress code or attending a particularly buttoned-up event, I repeat: WHO CARES? It very likely isn’t affecting you or your life in any way, and if it is, I’d invite you to consider that maybe that’s a “you problem” and not a “them problem.”

I’m truly saying this with love and compassion: if you find yourself so concerned about how other people dress that it is regularly making you feel angry, indignant, sad, or otherwise upset, you have probably stumbled across some deeper issues within yourself that therapy could help you unpack and address. It has been my experience that people who make comments on what I wear are moreso commenting on their own feelings, hangups, prejudices and/or traumas around apparel and self-presentation, even if they’re not totally aware of that at the time.

 

Reason #2: Damn, your whorephobia is showing

A brief note on terminology: Slut-shaming and whorephobia are two related but separate concepts. Slut-shaming is judging, insulting or otherwise shaming someone for behaviors you deem slutty or sexually “immodest,” which could be anything from hosting a 30-guy gangbang to having a bra strap visible at church. Whorephobia is prejudice and discrimination against actual sex workers (and sometimes, against people who are perceived as acting or dressing like sex workers, whatever that means).

A lot of commentary on “revealing” clothing is deeply based in slut-shaming and whorephobia, which themselves have a lot of DNA in common with misogyny, racism, classism, homophobia and transphobia. You aren’t being smart or morally righteous when you tell people they’re dressing too sluttily; you’re just being a bigot.

Plus, oddly enough, a lot of people who make this argument are basing their notion of how sex workers dress on outdated media portrayals like Pretty Woman. A quick glance through online sex worker directories like London Deluxe can show you that folks in that line of work dress in all sorts of different ways. Negative stereotypes about sex workers literally contribute to the rates of violence and murder perpetrated against them, as well as the legal hurdles they’re forced to face (such as the laws known as SESTA/FOSTA). Again, whorephobia isn’t cool or smart or progressive. It’s just gross, dangerous and ignorant.

 

Reason #3: People should be able to wear whatever the fuck they want

Bodily autonomy is a huge component of my personal ethical framework, and I consider clothing and other self-presentation choices to be part of that. When people choose to “dress slutty,” they do so for a myriad of reasons that may or may not be visible to an outside observer, including anything from making a political statement to alleviating gender dysphoria to reclaiming their body after an eating disorder or sexual trauma.

But people shouldn’t need a “good reason” to dress how they want to dress. They should just be able to do it.

I always find it hilarious when random people make critical comments about what I wear, because I just cannot fathom believing my opinion mattered that much, especially to a total stranger. While I used to be much quicker to jump to judgment when I was younger, at this point the most I’ll react to seeing a revealing outfit is to think “Good for them!” or maybe, if it’s chilly out, “Aren’t they cold?” My opinion of their outfit could not be further from the point.

What I really want is a world where – in the area of fashion and in every other area – we are all able to accept each other’s harmless personal choices and even celebrate them, instead of judging them. When we perpetuate whorephobia and slut-shaming, we’re perpetuating centuries-old systems of oppression and discrimination – and personally, I don’t think there’s a miniskirt short enough in the entire world to justify that.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 8 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 32/52: “Amicably”

Lyrics:

I hope your summer brings some sun
And that you spend it with someone
And I hope that when you’re sad
You’ll think of what we had
And say “At least we had some fun”

I hope the drive isn’t too long
I hope your coffee’s nice and strong
And I hope that when you go
You’ll blast the radio
I hope they play your favorite song

Chorus:
I’m gonna miss you
Not gonna kiss you goodbye
I’m gonna cry soon
It feels like somebody died
Because I loved you
And I still remember why

I hope your new place feels like home
And that you won’t be too alone
And if times are getting tough
And your friends are not enough
I’ll always answer when you phone

And now, we head our separate ways
And set our sights on brighter days
But I never will forget
That feeling when we met
And how you set my life ablaze

(repeat chorus)

It was the right thing to do
I think we both know that’s true
You couldn’t just stay

It was the right way to go
Because we both gotta grow
And go our own way
But let me just say:

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I was improvising various different lyrical/melodic lines over a simple chord progression, and sang the first two lines of this – “I hope your summer brings some sun/ And that you spend it with someone” – and then built the rest from there. It was one of those magical woo-woo songwriting experiences where it seemed like I was hearing the song clearly in my head and just writing down what I heard.

I have a few friends who’ve recently gone through breakups that were amicable but painful, and I’ve found it inspiring to listen to their stories of letting go of old resentments and arguments and just being happy and hopeful for each other as they both head off into the sunset. That type of breakup has been extremely rare in my life (mine have historically been, for the most part, extremely one-sided and very painful) so it was interesting to inhabit that brainspace for a bit while writing this song.

I think this is the fifth song I’ve written about exes in this challenge… My exes just really haunt my brain. Not in the sense of yearning for them or thinking about them constantly, but more in the sense of: our shared history is always informing my decisions on some level, however indirectly, and I refer back to each of them as mental touchstones in the way I conceptualize my life story, whether in writing or just in my head. So it makes sense that I’m referring to them and considering them in a lot of songs.

Song 33/52: “Nobody Likes Me”

Lyrics:

I wish I’d made a few more friends back in college
It was too hard with all my doubt and anxiety
Instead, I filled my little head with lots of knowledge
And kept it down if anybody talked to me

I didn’t wanna be alone
I didn’t wanna spend my nights at home
I didn’t wanna be that girl
Who stays inside and never sees the world

Chorus:
How do I shake off the feeling that nobody likes me?
How do I go to the party when no one invites me?
How do I banish all the shyness from my mind?
How do I learn that other people can be kind?
But hey, I’m doing fine

My classmates tried to make new friends, oh so sweetly
And I did too, but I was nervous, and it showed
I never let nobody in, not completely
‘Cause then they’d see that I’m a fraud and then they’d go

I didn’t wanna scare them away
I didn’t wanna hear what they might say
I didn’t wanna be so meek
That no one in my class had heard me speak

(repeat chorus)

Don’t worry, there’s a happy ending
I think I’ve finally found the key
Because at last, I stopped pretending
And I went to therapy

I investigated all the shit that makes me wanna hide
And divested from the stresses that were festering inside
Now I’m happier and healthier and I’ve got friends
I hope that’s how your story ends

How do I shake off the feeling that nobody likes me?
How do I get down to healing my jumbled-up psyche?
How do I banish all the shyness from my mind?
How do I learn that other people can be kind?
But hey, I’m doing fine
Hey, I’m doing fine

 

Songwriting diary:

As I’ve done a few times before in this challenge, I used a random word generator to pick 3 words to inspire a song, and the words it gave me this time were “form,” “college,” and “shallow.” I didn’t end up incorporating either of the other words, but “college” got me thinking about how much I struggled socially and mental health-wise during my time at university. I already have a song that I wrote about anxiety while I was in the thick of it, but hadn’t really written one that looked back at that time in my life from a further-removed vantage point.

The second line of the chorus (“How do I go to the party when no one invites me?”) went through more rewrites than any single line of lyrics in this entire challenge thus far. I had trapped myself by wanting it to rhyme in 3 different places with the preceding line (originally the two lines went, “How do I shake off the feeling that nobody likes me?/ How do I wake up from dreaming that everyone fights me?”) and then I talked to my friend Brent about it and decided to let go of the need for it to be packed with internal rhymes. I’m not Sondheim and that’s okay!

Song 34/52: “The Lube Song”

Lyrics:

Chorus:
Lube, lube, glorious lube
The special sauce of sex
When you’re in the mood
Or when you’re not, it can get you wet

Let’s talk about water-based
It’s available almost any place
It’s compatible with toys and condoms too
So you can do whatever you wanna do

The trouble is, it’ll dry up fast
But add some water and it’ll last
It can cost less than ten bucks a tube
And that’s water-based lube

(repeat chorus)

Let’s talk about silicone
It’s smooth as silk and it makes ’em moan
But silicone toys can be damaged by
This kind of lube; ask a scientist why

It’ll last and last, but it’ll stain your sheets
And just make sure it doesn’t leak
If you spill it, you’re fucked, and you have to move
And that’s silicone lube

(repeat chorus)

There’s one more type of lube I forgot to mention
I don’t have many in my collection
Oil-based lube is a great invention
But watch out – it can cause infection

It’s fine for dicks in most cases
But not for more internal places
Your gynecologist might disapprove
And that’s oil-based lube

(repeat chorus)

Lube, lube, glorious lube
So many kinds to explore
When you’re in the mood
Or when you’re not, you can still use more

 

Songwriting diary:

I walked down to the beach with my notebook and pen, and sat down to write some lyrics. I hadn’t pre-chosen a topic, but for some reason, after a few minutes of staring blankly into space pondering different ideas, the words “Lube, glorious lube” jumped into my head and I was off to the races.

As I wrote the rest of the lyrics, a bunch of children gathered very close by as their parents snapped a bunch of summery group shots. I have no idea why they chose that location, as I was no doubt photobombing them and they could’ve moved a few feet in either direction and been fine. But now, somewhere, there’s a series of family photos in which a sunglasses-clad stranger in the background is hunched over a notebook writing lewd lyrics about lubricant.

I had a lot of trouble accepting this as a “real song” even once I came home and put it to music. Jokey songs are not really my forte, and I also often feel guilty about “taking the easy route” when I write a song that’s this structurally simple. But I’ve received more positive feedback on this song than for practically any other in this challenge (which probably has a lot to do with my pre-existing sex-positive audience) so I should be gentler with myself about lighthearted songs like this one in the future.

Song 35/52: “Stay”

(Content note: this song deals with themes of depression and suicide)

Lyrics:

The depression’s pressin’ down on you
It can do whatever it wants to
Now you’re stressin’, dressin’ for the day
Wondering: what’s the point anyway?

I wanna hype you up
But I’m worried I’m not too tough
I wanna be your savior
But then I need to be braver

Chorus:
Maybe I’m not really a friend at all
If I can’t stop you and you end it all
Maybe I’m not as good as I say
If I can’t stop you and you go away
Hey hey, hey hey, I really want you to stay
Hey hey, hey hey, I know it’s harder to do than it is to say

When the news is lookin’ especially bleak
And you’ve had a really shitty week
Can I see you and feed you dinner, please
Or whatever else you’re gonna need?

I wanna keep you here
But the path is not too clear
How can I help you through
When I’m struggling just like you?

(repeat chorus)

Hey hey, hey hey, I really want you to stay
Hey hey, hey hey, I just want you to be okay

 

Songwriting diary:

I woke up in a panic one morning after having a really scary dream where a friend of mine was feeling suicidal and I actually heard him going through with it in another room. After checking the friend’s Twitter to make sure he was actually doing fine (and getting some nice hugs from my spouse, who was staying with me at the time and is very used to comforting me after anxiety dreams, which I have a lot), I took out my journal and wrote the lyrics to this song.

My partner got up to take a shower and I grabbed my phone to make some quick recordings of the melody I heard in my head. It was then that I improvised the “Hey hey, hey hey/ I really want you to stay…” part of the song, which ended up becoming key to its overall structure.

When I sat down at an instrument a few hours later to figure out the chords, I realized that in my head, the song really only had one chord. This is extremely unusual for me and I wondered if I should scrap the whole song because it was too simple. But then I remembered reading in various songwriting books earlier this year that one-chord songs are valid and not even uncommon in the worlds of pop, rock, and blues. So I put together an arrangement in Garageband to spice it up a bit, and I like how it came out!

Review: Lora DiCarlo Baci

Kate Sloan

My relationship to receiving cunnilingus has undergone a lot of changes over the years. There was a time, in my late teens and early twenties, when getting head was literally the majority of my sex life, because my partners then were people who preferred licking pussy over pretty much every other activity – and had therefore gotten quite good at it.

Later, as I started hooking up with randoms from Tinder and OkCupid, I gradually stopped asking for oral because it… stopped being good. But now that I’m back to being partnered with a self-professed pussy-eating fanatic, it’s back to being one of my favorite sexual activities, and something that I often fantasize about when I’m alone.

Accordingly, I’m as intrigued as I’ve ever been by the plethora of sex toys that claim to imitate cunnilingus. One in particular has gotten a lot of great reviews: the Lora DiCarlo Baci. (Apparently pronounced like “botchy.”) Let’s talk about it.

 

What is the Lora DiCarlo Baci?

Lora DiCarlo – both the company itself and the woman of the same name who founded it – is somewhat controversial and mysterious. While their products are beautifully designed and get good reviews, they’ve made a lot of sweeping claims that were called into question by an infamous Wired.com article, like that their founder is a med school dropout and that they use “micro-robotics” in their toys. However, in the sex toy industry, it’s hard to fault a company for talking itself up a little; they all do it. At least this one seems to be making genuinely original toys rather than basing their entire business model on plagiarism like some other sex toy companies do.

While Lora DiCarlo makes toys aimed at various different erogenous zones, the Baci is one that focuses specifically on clitoral pleasure. It does this in an interesting and unique way: although it uses similar “pressure-wave” technology to what’s found in Satisfyers and Womanizers, it also has what the company calls a “thrum pad” which is meant to sit between the inner labia during use, vibrating against the underside of the clitoral shaft and other, more deeply-buried portions of the internal clit. The company calls this “full-coverage clitoral stimulation,” a phrase certain to get my attention.

What I like about this toy:

  • Let’s not bury the lede: this thing feels good. Really good. A lot of pressure-wave toys are so focused on the glans of my clit that they feel almost inconsequential, like someone teasingly licking the tip of your dick when you really want a deepthroat blowjob. The Baci stimulates my glans with its “mouth,” rubs against my clitoral hood and inner labia with its “lips,” and rumbles against broad swathes of my internal clit with its sizeable “thrum pad.” The result is full-clit stimulation that normally I can only get from a huge, rumbly wand vibrator or my partner using their entire mouth on me. (I should say, water-based lube is a must with the Baci, particularly if you want it to feel like oral at all.)
  • As you’d expect from that description, the orgasms from this toy are more satisfying than those from many other toys in this category. This just makes sense: in general, the more of your sex organ that’s being stimulated before and during your orgasm, the more intense and long-lasting that orgasm is likely to feel. I reach climax easily, consistently and hard with this toy.
  • The Baci has 10 intensity settings (and no patterns, which I don’t care about anyway). I’ve never gone past 4 out of 10. I’ve never needed to. This toy is that good. If you’ve been curious about pressure-wave toys but are worried they’d be too subtle for you (which is a reasonable fear if, for example, you tend to masturbate with a powerful wand vibrator), I think the Baci could actually work for you. It’s not just that its motor is stronger than many of its competitors’; it’s that it uses its strength in a different way, stimulating more of the clitoral structure.
  • The controls are easy to understand: there’s a power button on the top that you press and hold to turn the toy on or off, and then there are “+” and “–” buttons on the back for changing the speed. All of these buttons are located and constructed such that I never bump them by accident.
  • It’s waterproof. Love.
  • The construction feels pretty sturdy, like it could get knocked around inside my suitcase or purse and be fine.
  • It comes with a travel cover, so you can keep it free from lint, dirt, etc. when it’s riding around in your bag or even when it’s just been tossed into your nightstand drawer.

What I don’t like about this toy:

  • The form factor of this toy is awkward, to say the least. It’s what my friend Epiphora would call a “vulva hog,” meaning it takes up so much space on my vulva during use that I can’t easily add a dildo, fingers, or a partner’s penis into the mix if I want some internal stimulation. If you’re looking to use a pressure-wave toy during penetrative sex, I’d recommend the We-Vibe Melt or Womanizer Premium instead. A stationary vag toy like the Hole Punch Fluke can work with the Baci, though. And frankly, when my clit’s being stimulated as fully and as well as the Baci can do it, I don’t always need extra stimulation to get me off. (P.S. There is something very funny to me about referring to penetration as “extra stimulation,” given how often that phrase is used about clit contact, which is, for me and most other people with vulvas, mandatory for reaching orgasm…)
  • As often happens with pressure-wave toys, sometimes the Baci makes me come faster than I wanted to, in that way that’s like “Oh shit, am I about to…? Oh no, yes, I am.” Seems weird to complain about this, I know, but sometimes I want to stretch out a session a little longer!
  • It’s a little loud. But like, so am I when I’m using it.
  • I don’t love the aesthetic of it. It’s almost my exact skin tone and kind of reminds me of a medical device, like something a doctor might use to take my cunt’s temperature. (Then again, a clinical aesthetic can be well-suited for medical play scenes, so your mileage may vary…)
  • The battery life isn’t amazing; I have to charge the Baci every 4-5 sessions or so, which is more often than I’d typically expect for a toy of this kind.
  • It’s expensive: about $205-220 in Canada (depending on where you get it from). HOWEVER, CurrentBody has it on sale for $145 USD at the time that I’m writing this, and that’s reduced even further to $116 USD (about $151 CAD) when you use my coupon code “GIRLY20” on your order. That’s a pretty sweet deal.
  • The plastic travel cover that it comes with is weirdly hard to open. You have to squeeze it and then rotate it, like the childproof cap on a bottle of pills. As someone with chronic pain and strength issues in my hands, I found this frustrating; it took me 5-10 minutes of struggling and pain in order to get it open the first time, so I haven’t attempted to close it again.

 

Final thoughts

The Lora DiCarlo Baci has impressed me so thoroughly that I’d put it in my top 3 favorite pressure-wave toys now. (The others, if you’re wondering, are the Lelo Sila and Satisfyer Curvy 2.) This type of toy is always so hit-or-miss for me, with some of them giving me weak, half-ruined orgasms and some of them making me come so hard and fast that I practically black out; the Baci is definitely in the latter category.

I can’t confirm for certain whether all the claims made by Lora DiCarlo about their toys and technologies are accurate. But what I can tell you is that the Baci is a top-of-the-line clitoral stimulator that I hope will usher in a new trend of companies pushing the boundaries of what a clit toy can be.

 

Thanks to CurrentBody for sending me this product to review! You can use the code “GIRLY20” to get 20% off your order at CurrentBody – yay!

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.