Review: Mr. Hankey’s Toys Oni

Kate Sloan
(Soda can for scale)

Realistic dildos are great, but I’ve tested a lot of them, and, well… they’re all dicks, so even with all the many variations in size, shape, texture, and tone, they get a little samey after a while.

So I’m sure you can understand why my interest was piqued by the ultra-textured, wildly fantastical Oni dildo by Mr. Hankey’s Toys. Let’s talk about it.

 

What is the Oni, & how can it be customized?

The Oni feels conceptually similar to those hentai-inspired tentacle dildos that are so popular: it’s vaguely tentacle-shaped and has a ton of texture all along its shaft. But that’s where the similarities end: there’s no actual aquatic imagery in this dildo’s design. Mr. Hankey’s describes it as an “ogre-like demon” dildo, featuring a “demon’s face [that] lick[s] you from the inside.”

As is standard for toys from Mr. Hankey’s, this one can be customized to your heart’s content: you get 4 size options, 4 firmness options, 25 color options, and you can indicate whether you want there to be a Vac-U-Loc-compatible hole in the base of the dildo or not.

For my Oni, I went with the small size, 75% soft firmness, metallic green color, and no Vac-U-hole. In classic Mr. Hankey’s fashion, even this “small” Oni is quite hefty: it’s got 7.1″ of insertable length, and its diameter starts at 1.3″ near the head and widens to 1.9″ as you get closer to the base.

Front & back of the Oni’s shaft

A caveat on texture & firmness

I specifically chose the “75% soft” firmness for this toy because it’s so intensely textured. Firmer textured dildos can feel scrapey, annoying, and even painful – but the softness of this one gives its texture some cushion, so that my vaginal walls feel like they’re being stroked and massaged, not scraped. Generally I’d recommend that you, too, go for one of the softer options if you end up getting your own Oni – I think most vaginas and butts would prefer this particular toy soft and squishy.

That being said, the trade-off is that softer toys are much less capable of applying targeted pressure to erogenous zones like the G-spot, A-spot, or prostate. Many people prefer a firmer touch on these spots because they are somewhat buried in the vaginal or anal wall, so they tend to respond better to pressure than gentle surface-level touch.

So it really comes down to whether you want to hit specific spots (in which case, firmer is better), or just experience a diffuse, textured sensation along your entire vaginal/anal wall with each thrust (in which case, softer is better). I’m a person who generally prefers to target specific spots with firm pressure, so a squishy, textured dildo like the Oni is more of an occasional craving for me, not the bread and butter of my dildo rotation. But that’s just me.

 

Things I like about this toy

  • The design, it must be said, is intricate and gorgeous. The front bears the aforementioned demon face, the back looks like something out of a monster-of-the-week comic, and the tip resembles a regular penis head, but stylized and elongated. It really is a work of art.
  • I love that the tip is so tapered, for two reasons: it makes this toy much easier to insert, despite its challenging texture, and it can also nudge up into my A-spot fairly easily. I also love that it’s shaped vaguely like an actual dick head, as this combines well with a lot of my fantasies when I’m using a dildo.
  • The curve seems to perfectly ensure that the entire front of the shaft rubs against my entire vaginal wall on every stroke. I don’t think it holds its shape very well once it’s inside me, because of the softness of the silicone, but it nonetheless keeps the toy mercilessly in contact with my G-spot and the surrounding area.
  • The texture is enjoyable – when I’m properly warmed up for it.  This is not the type of dildo I can rush into using, even with lube (which it requires a lot of). If I go too fast, my vaginal walls get irritated – but if I take the time to make sure I’m really turned on before inserting it, the texture feels decadent, maximalist. It doesn’t give me the same breathless gut-punch orgasms as toys that press firmly into my internal spots, but the soft texture allows for a thrilling slow-build that feels great along the way, even if the orgasm itself isn’t as explosive.
  • The squishiness is fun to squeeze around, like a vaginal stress ball.
  • The base is chunky and easy to grip onto and thrust with. I also like that a part of it juts out in such a way that you can mash it against your clit when you thrust extra deep. Normally I pair dildos with a clitoral vibrator so I can get off, but sometimes it’s nice to tease myself first by grinding against the base of the dildo.

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • As mentioned, the texture can be a bit much if I’m not sufficiently turned on and/or not using enough lube. And you will go through a fair amount of lube when using this thing, at least if you want to use it comfortably.
  • As the company points out themselves on their product page, the design of this dildo makes it prone to tipping over when stood upright on its base, which could be annoying if you tend to ride your dildos.
  • Commonly for super-textured dildos, this one is a bit trickier to clean than smooth toys, sometimes requiring a scrub brush (like an old toothbrush) to get into all the little seams and crannies. But if you like texture then it’ll be worth it.

 

Final thoughts

Mr. Hankey’s Toys allowed me to pick 3 different dildos (check out my Captain’s Hook review!), and the Oni was really the wildcard of my selections, the one that’s the biggest departure from my typical taste in dildos. It’s squishy, textured, and fantastical, while most of my faves are firm, smooth, and simple.

But the design of the Oni is both beautiful and ingenious; its curve makes its texture feel more dynamic and even more stimulating than it would be on its own. It massages my entire vagina from the inside, in a way that I haven’t often experienced before.

So, shout-out to Mr. Hankey’s for creating the elegant Oni. It’s funny how a demonic dildo can feel so heavenly.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Sweat Worship, Armpit Love, & Fart Porn: How Kink Taught Me to Embrace Being Gross

Kate Sloan
Armpits ahoy! Photo by Cadence Lee back in 2017

Here’s un petit peek behind the Girly Juice curtain: when I’m asked to write a sponsored post for a client, usually there’s a particular “anchor phrase” I’m supposed to incorporate as a link. I use these client-provided phrases as my jumping-off point for brainstorming topics that could include them.

In this case, the client’s requested anchor phrase was “fart porn” (more on that later), and I knew immediately that I wanted to write about being “gross” and how that idea fits in with the cultural conditioning I’ve received as a woman – plus the ways that kink has helped me work through some of these anxieties. Come with me on a smelly journey into the realm of fetishes often viewed with disgust by those who don’t have them, and even sometimes by those who do…

 

“Women are supposed to be clean”

It’s funny/horrible how often women are held to standards that are literally inhuman (especially the more heterosexist swathes of society). We’re not supposed to have opinions or speak our minds. We’re not supposed to have our own goals in life, unless they can be neatly tacked onto the goals of whatever man we end up married to. We’re not supposed to wear comfortable clothes, lest we look frumpy; to skip makeup, lest we look ugly; or to let our body hair grow out, lest we look… I dunno… like mammals? And we’re certainly not supposed to sweat, excrete, or smell less-than-fresh – ever. We’re basically supposed to be beautiful robots who never complain, never age, and always handle our own maintenance in private.

For reasons that should be self-evident, this infuriates me. While I personally don’t feel any particular pull toward, say, growing out my armpit hair, spouting a constant stream of toilet-humor jokes, or pumping iron at the gym til rivulets of sweat roll down my back, I nonetheless think it’s fucked up that men can do all of these things without anyone blinking an eye, but if a woman does them, she’ll be judged as a failure of femininity by many segments of society. Fuck off with that shit! Let women be people! Let women be gross!

 

Fetishism as a portal to empowerment

In 2017-2018, I briefly dated a lovely person who had many fetishes I’d never encountered in partners before, from knives to robots to mortal peril. (Shout-out to those of you who read that sentence and immediately knew exactly who I’m talking about, lol.) They were also into armpits, especially sweaty armpits, and specifically requested that I skip deodorant when we’d be hanging out, because they wanted to experience the natural smell of my sweat, and even wanted to lick the sweat from my armpits.

We discussed all of this and I was open to it – there was no coercion here whatsoever, just so we’re clear! But I’d be lying if I said I felt 100% fine about it. It’s always scary at first to rebel against the rules you’ve been taught your whole life, especially if you’ve been told over and over again that your desirability, loveability, and value as a person are contingent on following those rules to the letter.

I had barely even experienced my own natural sweat smell in many years, having started wearing antiperspirant religiously when puberty popped off in middle school. I was so terrified of being mocked by the other kids back then, the way I’d seen other kids get mocked (which sucks too – we have no idea what circumstances were going on in their life that led to them showing up to school unshowered!). I remember taking the train out to visit this new beau, and surreptitiously wiping the antiperspirant off my underarms with a wet napkin en route – and even just doing that made me feel gross, in a way, like I was wiping off my good-girl femininity.

But through subsequent sessions of decadent armpit worship (which feels better/is hotter than I had anticipated!), sexting about “gross” fetishes with that partner and some others that followed, and (yes!) occasionally checking out stuff like fart porn and dirty foot worship porn just to see what’s out there, I’ve learned that the very things we’re taught to find disgusting are things that some people love more than life itself.

Hell, just yesterday I saw a post on the /r/RandomActsOfMuffDive subreddit that said, “I’m looking for someone who has a strong-smelling pussy. If you are worried you stink, that’s what I’m looking for… Just want to smell you and share in your body. If you are nervous about the way you smell, I will like it.” I’ve heard from so many people that they worry their genitals smell bad/weird, and I imagine it could be affirming and even healing to hook up with someone who actually prefers whatever you’ve got going on. What a revelation!

 

Being gross now

I’ve been interviewed a lot about my sex life and relationships (among other things), and I’m often asked about the logistics of long-distance relationships, since I’ve been in one for over six years at this point. One thing I’ll often say in these interviews, in a jokey tone that belies how absolutely true it is, is that I really value how LDRs don’t require me to shower. If I’m having a tough time with depression and/or chronic pain, I’ll sometimes skip showers for 2-3 days, leaving me grimy and unshaved – and I love that being long-distance means I can do that without needing to worry about how it’ll affect my partner. After all, they can’t smell me during phone sex!

But it’s also affirming that sometimes they’ll ask me to send them a pair of my used panties in the mail, sealed up in a Ziploc to preserve the scent – or, when we’re physically together, they’ll sometimes huff my sweaty shirt or socks when undressing me before sex. There are definitely still times when this horrifies me on a visceral level – like, “No, don’t do that, you’re gonna find out I’m human!!” – but there are also times when it feels like unconditional love, because it kind of is. My partner adores me no matter how gross or clean I happen to be at any given moment, because they see me as a full person, not just a robot who’s failing to perform femininity the way she was programmed to.

Kinks are fun and hot, yeah – but they can also be healing. They can help you unlearn the old bullshit calcifying in the back of your brain, and replace it with stuff you actually believe – including, if you like, the belief that human bodies may be gross, but they’re also glorious, strange, and miraculous. I think that’s fucking beautiful.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Behind the Seams: Magic Wands, Eggplants, & the Queen of Hearts

Kate Sloan

January 18, 2024

My old high school was putting on an Alice in Wonderland adaptation, so I decided to dress in Alice-y colors to go see it. Call it “Queen of Hearts chic”!

The show was great! My former improv teacher, Mr. Wei, was making his directorial debut, so I was really glad I got to see it. Alice is such a fun coming-of-age story; I studied it extensively in some classes I took at university about children’s literature, so it’s always really interesting to see adaptations of it. (I even considered getting an Alice tattoo at one point… Might still come to pass one day, who knows!)

What I’m wearing:

  • Navy cropped tank top (actually a longline bralette, but shhh, I’m wearing it as a shirt) – Aerie
  • Blue oversize cardigan – a gift from my mom a few years ago, I think?
  • Red skinny pants – Old Navy
  • Red heart-shaped bag – Kate Spade
  • Black leather Frye harness boots

March 30, 2024

I didn’t actually leave the house in this, but hey, loungewear outfits are valid too (especially when you have a chronic illness and there’s a pandemic happening outside!!).

Earlier in the day, I had filmed a song video, after which I kept my makeup on but changed into this comfier ensemble for a relaxing night at home.

What I’m wearing:

  • Black ribbed cropped tank top – Forever 21
  • Black cashmere hoodie – a very sweet Christmas gift from my spouse’s parents (soooo cozy!!)
  • Purple eggplant-print lounge shorts – MeUndies
  • Purple leather heart earrings – Unicorn Collaborators
  • Plain grey socks

May 16, 2024

I wore this out to get my hair done (hence the hat covering the scraggly mess, pre-appointment). My hair’s super short these days, probably the shortest it’s been since I was a toddler, and I love how queer-femme it makes me feel, but it sure does take a lot more upkeep than when it was long!

I’ve been obsessed with romance novels lately, as I start to attempt writing my first one (!!), so during this appointment I was switching back and forth between re-reading my two faves at the moment, Romantic Comedy and The Pairing. Would strongly recommend, especially if you like witty flirting.

What I’m wearing:

May 20, 2024

Here’s what I wore to speak on a panel at the Museum of Sex about my podcast miniseries, Making Magic. (Wow, that’s a sentence that 15-year-old me would not believe if you went back and told her about it!) It was definitely a career highlight. I loved sharing the stage with such smart people, and getting to meet so many folks who came out to celebrate Magic Wand Day with us. And of course, my lovely spouse was at my side, supportive as ever.

Naturally, I’d put together a Magic Wand-themed outfit for the occasion…

What I’m wearing:

  • Blue tennis dress – Iffei (I mainly bought this because it’s cute and blue, but it also helped a lot that it’s moisture-wicking, because I get sweaty under stage lights!!)
  • Magic Wand earrings – FUELifestyle
  • Blue Tiffany’s collar
  • Black leather Frye harness boots
  • Pale blue Coach Mercer satchel (visible on the floor behind me in the lower-left corner)
  • Big-ass false lashes, ’cause why not?!

May 25, 2024

I wore this out to have dinner at Harding’s, a fave New York spot, with my spouse. We’d had a pretty chill day before that, if I recall correctly. It takes me DAYS, if not WEEKS, to fully recover after a big event like the Magic Wand one, above – my fibro-ridden body and brain take time to get back to baseline. So it’s nice to have a partner who’s fine with me being low-energy a lot of the time, but who will nonetheless encourage me to go out, have fun, and eat nourishing food when possible.

What I’m wearing:

June 6, 2024

Same skirt, different day! This was the day when the Betty Dodson episode of Making Magic launched, so I wore this outfit in celebration of Betty, who was a legendary masturbation coach, sex educator, fine artist, and feminist icon.

I wore this out to run some errands, including going to the Hermès store, which I’m pretty sure I’d never been into in my life. My spouse had bought me an Hermès strap for my Apple Watch a few months back, and part of it broke recently, so I went in to get it repaired, but Hermès themselves refused to repair it, which I thought was pretty funny for how expensive their stuff is. I walked over to my local cobbler and they fixed it for $10.

What I’m wearing:

  • “Run the Fuck” T-shirt – Museum of Sex gift shop (the text refers to Betty’s philosophy that women should be more assertive during sex, in order to get our needs met)
  • Blue tennis skirt – Zhanchtong
  • Black leather Frye harness boots

Feel free to jump into the comments to let me know which of these outfits you liked best, and/or what you’ve been wearing and loving lately! (And P.S.: for more posts like this, check out the outfit tag.)

Review: Njoy Disco

Kate Sloan

When my friends at Peepshow Toys reached out and asked if I wanted to review the newest toy from Njoy, the Disco, I replied as soon as I saw the email: “YES PLEASE!! SEND IT OVER IMMEDIATELY!!”

…Okay, that’s not literally what I said. I was much more polite about it. I am a professional, after all! But the point is: my response was enthusiastic and unambiguous – because it’s been years since Njoy released a new toy.

Their existing lineup is legendary: the Njoy Pure Wand is widely considered the best G-spot/P-spot dildo, capable of inducing squirting and prostate milking; the Njoy Pure Plugs are the most comfortable and pleasurable anal toys I’ve ever tried; and the Njoy Eleven is a gratifyingly huge chunk o’ steel that reliably makes me come so hard I cry, and was also pivotal to how I met my partner. Needless to say, I have a lot of history with Njoy toys, so I was verrrrry curious about the first new product they’ve released in my entire time in this industry!

Njoy founder Greg DeLong reportedly used to bring prototypes of Njoy works-in-progress to parties at sex conferences, and the Disco is one he’s been showing off in this way for many years – so, while I’d heard stories from my sex blogger friends about its beautifully bizarre shape, I was eager to experience it for myself.

What the hell is the Njoy Disco? What is it for?

This was my main question about the Disco before I tried one, and it’s still my main question about the Disco now, although I’ve figured out some ways to use it that work for me.

Most Njoy toys have some descriptive text on their product page which explains what part(s) of the anatomy the toy is best-suited to target, such as the G-spot or prostate. No such information is provided about the Disco, on Njoy’s website nor in the catalogue booklet that comes with the toy. The only information we’re given says that the Disco “is designed to bring a touch of sophistication to your intimate moments,” which is true of all Njoy toys, IMO, so it’s not very helpful! While I appreciate the way this kind of vagueness invites customers of all genders and anatomies to try the toy (which they definitely can!), I also think that some instructional materials, or even just suggestions, can be helpful for users of all experience levels. That’s especially true if your toy does something innovative or unusual that the user is unlikely to have encountered before.

And indeed, most users won’t have encountered anything like the Disco before. It’s shaped like five interlocking discs, some oriented vertically and some horizontally. The discs are graduated in size, like anal beads, ranging from 1.18″ to 1.96″ across – but the Disco is wider, firmer, and more oddly-shaped than anal beads tend to be. It has a slim neck and a flared base, like a butt plug – but it’s far too heavy, long, and pokey to work well as a butt plug. It has comparable dimensions to dildos I enjoy, with its 6.2″ of insertable length – but its shaft is totally straight, so it doesn’t target internal erogenous zones by curving into them, like many dildos do.

So what is the Disco for? I was only able to answer this question through research and experimentation. Reading other people’s reviews – including Smash’s, Felicity’s, and Ruby’s– gave me more information about how the toy can be used, including the insight that it may have been named the Disco because it’s intended to be rotated, like a disco ball.

Indeed, twisting and twirling the Disco seems to be the most effective way to use it, at least for me and some other reviewers. Each disc’s rounded edge rubs my G-spot every time I roll it against that zone. The way I use it most often is: I angle it slightly so it’s pressed against my front vaginal wall, I hold the base between my thumb and two fingers, and I twist back and forth in short motions. Sometimes I also thrust in and out in short strokes at the same time, so that the Disco massages my G-spot in circles.

By the way, I didn’t try this toy anally, on myself or on a partner, because 1) my spouse and I are 500 miles apart right now and 2) I truly don’t think my butt could handle this thing. But if you want some thoughts from someone who did use it that way, check out this Reddit post.

Things I like about the Disco

  • When I get into a rhythm with the Disco, it provides a unique type of G-spot stimulation I haven’t experienced with other toys. Instead of pushing into my G-spot or thrusting over it, the Disco can roll sideways across it (or in circles, depending on how I’m using it). I associate this sensation moreso with human fingering than with dildos, so it’s cool that I have a sex toy now which can give me that feeling. It’s gentler than some other G-spot stim methods, and doesn’t feel direct enough to consistently make me squirt, but it still builds me up to intense orgasms when paired with clit stimulation. (Heed my advice, though: use a lot of lube with the Disco, and get turned on before inserting it, or else its shape will feel more abrasive than pleasurable.)
  • There’s enough length on this thing that I can reach my A-spot with the very tip of it, which is helpful when I’m getting close to orgasm and want to push myself over the edge with some deep pounding. (However, if I was specifically craving A-spot stim, I’d reach for a different dildo – the Disco just barely nudges that spot, and lacks the curve it’d need to really get in there.)
  • The Disco is a limited-edition release: only 1,000 have been made, and each one has its own unique number etched on the base (mine is #0406). This doesn’t really have any practical benefits, of course, but it does make the Disco feel like a piece of sex toy history that many sex toy nerds would be glad to own. (Incidentally, as a completionist, I really need to get my hands on a small Pure Plug eventually, as then my partner and I will own the entire Njoy lineup between the two of us!)
  • The Disco comes with a gorgeous storage/travel case, which is metallic silver to match the toy and has a luxe-feeling magnetic closure. The case is just the right size that you could store the Disco in there and also throw in a miniature bottle of lube or a bullet vibe when traveling.
  • I like the triangular shape of the handle; I find it a bit more comfortable and ergonomic to hold and thrust with than the oval-shaped handles on the Pure Plugs. The triangle shape also seems to make the twisting-back-and-forth motion easier to achieve.
  • The shape of the toy and its handle is such that you could use it on someone while going down on them. The back-and-forth twisting you can do with the Disco is a smaller motion than the thrusting you’d do with most dildos, so maybe it would be less demanding/distracting for the giver than other dildos when used this way.
  • As expected for any Njoy toy, the Disco is stunning to look at. It’s a literal work of art. You could display it on your mantelpiece. You could have a still-life portrait painted of it and hang it on your wall. Njoy wasn’t kidding around when they described the Disco as “a testament to the fusion of pleasure and artistry.”

Things I don’t like about the Disco

  • The main problem I have with the Disco is that the twisting motion it requires (if you want to use it that way) is very different from how most people will be accustomed to using a dildo. There’s a learning curve initially, during which you’ll need to experiment and figure out how to use the Disco in the ways that feel best for you. I find it most comfortable to orient the handle vertically and gently jiggle it back and forth, but even that can get tiring/painful for my sore fingers and wrists, in a way that reminds me of using an un-ergonomic computer mouse for too long.
  • It’s really heavy for a sex toy – 3.25 lbs, which is even heavier than the Eleven (2.75 lbs). Granted, the Disco is a toy that you’ll (probably) just gently twist back and forth, rather than thrusting it in and out, so the weight isn’t as cumbersome as it otherwise might be – but it still tires out my arm and hand pretty quickly on days when my chronic pain is flaring up in those areas.
  • It’s quite expensive, at $180 USD. Certainly not as expensive as the Eleven ($400), but significantly pricier than the Pure Wand ($120), which I think would be a smarter buy for most people because it’s easier to use.
  • As much as I love having partners fuck me with dildos, I’d hesitate to trust most people with the Disco, because its length, straightness, and firmness are a recipe for painful cervix-poking. Even I sometimes bump my own cervix with it when I’m using it.

Final thoughts

The Njoy Disco is an artistic triumph of a sex toy, one that wouldn’t look out-of-place in a glass case at a museum, but also looks fantastic on my nightstand.

I think you’re likeliest to enjoy the Disco if:

  • You like firm G-spot or prostate stimulation
  • You enjoy trying sex toys that do unusual/innovative things
  • You don’t regularly experience muscle weakness/fatigue/pain/etc. in your hands or wrists
  • You’re a diehard Njoy fan and want to own as much of their collection as you can get your hands on

As for me, I think it’s a magnificent-looking toy, with an interesting shape that leaves a lot of room for creativity and experimentation – but it’s not something I’ll reach for very often. If I’m craving G-spot stimulation, I tend to want it to be more direct and more foolproof, as with the almighty Pure Wand. Most of the time, I want A-spot stim, for which I prefer the straightforwardness of the Eleven. The Disco’s heaviness, and the finicky nature of the twisting motion, also make it difficult for me to imagine using it consistently, what with the chronic pain and muscle weakness I sometimes have in my hands.

But damn, am I ever glad I own one. Njoy toys are a sex toy nerd’s wet dream.

 

This review wasn’t sponsored; Peepshow just sent me the dildo and asked me to write about it, and since it’s an Njoy toy, I was thrilled to do so!

Review: Mr. Hankey’s Toys Captain’s Hook dildo

Kate Sloan

When I put the Captain’s Hook from Mr. Hankey’s Toys inside me for the first time, I said out loud, “Oh, this is gonna be my new favorite silicone dildo.” I think I was right. Let’s talk about why.

 

What is the Captain’s Hook, and how can it be customized?

The lovely folks at Mr. Hankey’s told me I could choose any 3 toys from their site to review (the other 2 reviews will be published in July and August, respectively, so keep an eye out for that!). Their catalogue of products is extensive, so it took me a while to pick some out – but the Captain’s Hook was a “fuck yes” as soon as I saw it.

It’s a realistic (i.e. dick-like) dildo, but with a strong upward curve not often found in human dicks. I am a fan of penises, to say the least, and this is a pretty perfect one if you’re looking for more intense G-spot or prostate stimulation than most flesh-and-blood cocks can offer.

Mr. Hankey’s products are almost all customizable, and this one is no exception. You can choose between 4 different sizes (S–XL), 4 different firmness levels, and about a zillion different colors, plus you can tell them whether or not you want a Vac-U-Lock hole in the base so you can use the toy with Vac-U-Lock-compatible harnesses, fucking machines, etc. (although the brand points out that this particular toy isn’t recommended for fucking machines because it might rotate due to being too heavy).

For my Captain’s Hook, I went with the small size, medium firmness, red color, and no Vac-U-Lock hole. (If you want some help choosing your desired firmness, check out this video the brand made. I went with the medium because I knew I wanted it to feel impactful enough on my G-spot, but didn’t want its veiny texture to feel overwhelming, as super-firm textured dildos often do for me.)

Like many other fantasy dildo companies, Mr. Hankey’s toys tend to be on the larger side – so even though I chose the “small” Captain’s Hook, it’s still one of the girthiest dildos I own, with a diameter ranging from 2″ just under the head to 2.2″ near the base. Its insertable length is about 7″.

 

My experience with the Captain’s Hook + some tips

As with any large penetrative toy, I’d recommend getting really turned on before you attempt to get this bad boy inside you. I always warmed up with a lot of clitoral stimulation, fantasy/erotica/porn, etc. when testing it. It’s like stretching before you climb a mountain – simply the sensible thing to do! Fortunately, the tapered tip of this toy makes it easier to insert than it otherwise would be, especially when drizzled liberally with a good water-based lube.

Besides comfort and safety, the other reason to warm up beforehand is sensitivity. The G-spot and prostate both swell with arousal, making them easier to access and stimulate. And hoo boy, does this toy ever stimulate my G-spot. The substantial girth, deep curve, and defined coronal ridge all come together to form a G-spot homing device – a phrase I’ve previously only used to describe the stainless steel Njoy Pure Wand. Now, don’t get me wrong, the Captain’s Hook doesn’t feel like the Pure Wand, exactly – silicone doesn’t feel like steel! – but their effects on my G-spot are similarly prone to knocking the wind out of me and making me squirt.

However, maybe the most amazing thing to me about the Captain’s Hook is that it can also hit my A-spot!! It’s rare for a toy to be good at G-spot and A-spot stimulation, because usually the pronounced curve required for G-spot stim is incompatible with comfortably sliding deeply enough to hit the A-spot. But because I chose the medium firmness, this dildo has juuust enough flexibility that it straightens out somewhat when I push it deep, so that it can stroke my A-spot when that’s what I’m craving. When I pull it back out to a shallower position, it immediately re-forms into its strongly curved shape, like it’s transforming back into G-spot mode. Fucking brilliant dildo design, if you ask me!

Thrusting hard and fast with this dildo, when I’m super turned on, is so intense that I’ve sometimes thought I could have a penetrative orgasm from it. This is particularly amazing because, like the majority of people with vulvas, I require clitoral stimulation in order to get off – so, even though I’ve still never had an orgasm from penetration alone and might never, it definitely impresses me when a dildo makes that type of climax feel within reach. Also, notably, this dildo is so stimulating internally that I don’t tend to need as much clit stim in order to get off – in one testing session, for instance, I came while my Eroscillator was on its first speed, an event so rare that I can probably count on one hand how many times it’s happened in the 12 years I’ve owned an Eroscillator. WTF!

I didn’t try the Captain’s Hook anally, because frankly my butt isn’t that accommodating or that brave, but I bet this would be a killer prostate dildo too, if the dimensions were manageable for you.

 

Chonky base alert!

Other cool things about the Captain’s Hook

I don’t tend to “ride” my dildos, but this one has a big, chunky base that would make it suitable for that type of play. It doesn’t have a suction cup, but its flat bottom and heavy base allow it to stay put relatively well during riding, at least if you’re on a flat, hard surface. The flared base also makes it harness-compatible. I imagine someone fucking me with this dildo in their harness would be a wild time.

I also gotta say, I love the red color. It’s very striking, and reminds me (fittingly) of the actual Captain Hook’s iconic red coat. I’ll show you, you cowardly crocodile!

 

Some potential drawbacks to consider

The possible “cons” of this toy are about what you’d expect: some users will find it uncomfortably large, and the veiny texture (while relatively subtle, as far as fantasy dildos go) might feel too intense for some people, especially in a hard firmness and/or with insufficient lube.

This toy is also somewhat heavy for a silicone dildo, owing in part to its hefty base. I have muscle strength issues from fibro and sometimes found that my arm would get tired when thrusting hard and fast with this dildo for a while. Switching arms helps, of course, and so does adding more lube, because the less friction there is, the less hard I have to push and pull the toy.

 

Final thoughts

I love the Captain’s Hook. There are a lot of girthy realistic dildos that I enjoy when I’m in the mood for them, but don’t think I’ve ever tried one that hits my G-spot and A-spot as relentlessly as this one. It leaves me breathless, and sometimes makes me forget my clit even exists (…for a few minutes, anyway… I’ll never actually forget about you, baby!).

While certainly this dildo wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea due to its substantial size and extreme curve, for me it’s the ideal toy when I really want to be filled up and pounded. No other realistic dildo in my collection is as deeply curved as this one; dick-like dildos tend to be enjoyable moreso for how they “fill up the hungry spot” inside me (to quote Nina Hartley), not for how they target specific spots. So to have a toy that can do both is just… *chef’s kiss*!

 

Thanks to Mr. Hankey’s Toys for sending me this product to review! This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.