Review: SnailVibe

Kate Sloan

I was recently tasked with writing an article about the best rabbit vibrators on the market. As per my usual process for such articles, I dug deep into the annals of my own memory to find this information, as well as interviewing several experts in the field: sex toy reviewers, sex educators, and so on.

I did six interviews for this piece, and when asked what rabbit vibes they would recommend, almost every interviewee said some version of the same thing: “I know the We-Vibe Nova 2 is good. Can’t really think of too many others.” This was, unfortunately, the exact same opinion I myself had held before I began the research process for the piece.

My wonderful interviewees were able to give me useful recommendations, and I do think that that article covers the cream of the crop when it comes to rabbit vibes, a notoriously difficult category of toy to execute well. But it really is true: the We-Vibe Nova 2 is one of the best rabbit vibrators released in the last 5 years, if not more, for one major reason. It maintains firm contact with your clit even when you thrust with it.

There are other reasons too – it has a great motor, many settings, a travel-lock function, is rechargeable, is made by a reputable company, etc. But I think the main thing the Nova got right was its approach to clit contact, and the new-ish SnailVibe is astounding for exactly the same reason.

 

What is the SnailVibe & how do you use it?

The SnailVibe is a dual-stimulation vibrator, i.e. a vibrator that offers vaginal penetration and simultaneous clitoral stimulation. (One could also, theoretically, use it for anal penetration, with the external portion stimulating the perineum.)

What sets the SnailVibe apart from all other dual-stim vibes is its spiral-shaped external portion, which is designed to roll/furl and unfurl every time you thrust the internal portion in and out. The spiral offers enough resistance that it remains firmly in contact with the clit (or at least, my clit) for the entire thrust.

I cannot overstate how important clitoral pleasure is to many vulva-havers’ sexual response, and to my own. The clitoris is the anatomical pleasure equivalent of the penis, so for many of us, it is absolutely central, potentially much moreso than penetration. It always baffled me that so many toy companies seemed to put all their resources and inventiveness into bells and whistles on the penetrative parts of rabbit vibes – rotating beads, come-hither stroking, and so on – while assuming a pair of flimsy rabbit ears would be enough in the clitoral stimulation department. The SnailVibe seems, comparatively, much more focused on clit pleasure, and I appreciate it.

 

via GIPHY

How does it feel?

The SnailVibe has two motors and both of them are excellent. I don’t even have that much to say about them because they’re just… satisfyingly good, at the level one would hope and expect from a vibrator at this price point ($150 USD or about $200 CAD). I will say, there are some surprisingly huge jumps between vibration speeds, which are sometimes jarring, but mostly it doesn’t bother me that much.

The toy is designed such that the clitoral portion not only remains in contact with the clit during each thrust, but maintains pretty firm pressure on it. So if you’re not a fan of clitoral pressure, this might not be the toy for you – maybe the fluttery ears on standard rabbit vibes are more your speed.

Another sex toy reviewer, Felicity of Phallophile Reviews, disliked the SnailVibe intensely because its penetrative shaft is long, straight, and rigid. This is one of the key qualities that could make a user either love or hate this toy. If you want intense G-spot stimulation, it’s true that this is not the right toy for the job. But if you tend to enjoy thrusting for how it stimulates your vaginal walls more generally, and/or if you like deep, firm penetration that strokes your anterior fornix or posterior fornix, I think you’re likelier to appreciate this toy.

The shaft is also pretty long – 8 inches insertable – which could be off-putting for some folks, but I don’t think it has to be. You don’t have to use the full length of a sex toy in order to use it at all, and this vibe is designed such that you’ll get clitoral contact if you insert the vibe as shallowly as 2 inches inside you.

The buttons that control this toy are intuitively-placed, IMO, and thus great for finding and using in the heat of the moment. You can control the internal and external motor separately, and set each to any of several steady vibration modes and patterns at any time.

 

Drawbacks & things to keep in mind

YOU HAVE TO PUT LUBE ON THE EXTERNAL PART. If you found this review while idly googling the sex toy you just bought, I hope this is the main thing you take away from this review. PUT LUBE ON THE EXTERNAL PART.

The external part doesn’t just sit there statically; it spins/rotates against your clit, so if it’s unlubed, it’ll just scrape over the area uncomfortably. This toy literally feels completely different when the external part is lubed. It’s non-negotiable as far as I’m concerned. (Don’t forget to add some additional moisture to reactivate your lube every so often if you’re using a water-based one.)

I find that thrusting with this toy is the only way I can get myself off with it. Its straight shaft and firm clit stimulator don’t quite do enough to get me there without additional motion. If you want a rabbit vibe you can use without needing to move it or hold it, I’d suggest a rabbit that thrusts or strokes the G-spot.

 

Final thoughts

I’m not generally a huge fan of dual-stimulation toys, but I have to say that the SnailVibe is in the top 3 I’ve ever tried in terms of sensation (the others being, I think, the We-Vibe Nova 2 and the CalEx silicone jack rabbit). It’s rumbly as hell, feels lovely when thrusted, and gets me off easily every time. It’s also entirely unique and hella cute-looking.

It won’t work for everyone – you gotta like (or be okay with) firm clitoral pressure, thrusting, and rigid penetration that targets spots deeper than the G-spot – but there is no vibrator that would work for everyone, and that’s like 10 times as true when it comes to rabbit vibes. I’m glad to have found another one that works for me, even though it looks like a damn snail.

 

Thanks to the folks at Lovers for sending me the SnailVibe to review!

Let’s Talk About Jeans Bondage

Kate Sloan
These Madewell jeans are the tightest ones I own, to the point that a man once shouted “Those pants are too tight” at me while I was wearing them on the street.

I got an unusual request in my inbox a few weeks ago. A reader wanted to pay me to write about her fetish.

The few times that this has happened to me before, usually it’s been because the person essentially wanted custom erotica. But this was different – this person said she wanted me to write something she could link to as a reference as needed, because there was hardly any information on the internet about her particular kink. I was intrigued.

What was the kink? JEANS BONDAGE. I know, I know, you’ve got questions. Well, lucky for you, I’ve got answers. I interviewed this reader of mine via email about how she does what she does. Buckle up! (Or button up, as the case may be…)

 

What is jeans bondage?

When I heard this phrase, initially I pictured someone being tied down using jeans as rope… but that’s not what my reader meant. She explained that when she says “jeans bondage,” what she means is wearing very tight jeans (or being forced to wear very tight jeans) to induce a feeling of helplessness and restricted movement, as with any other form of bondage.

In my reader’s case specifically, she is most often the dominant person in her relationship with her husband, so she is mostly the person consensually “forcing” him to wear tight jeans for her pleasure, although they do occasionally switch.

She relayed to me that this kink originally started for them because she’d always loved the way her husband looks in skinny jeans. (As someone whose spouse looks terrific in skinny jeans, I can relate.) Eventually she began commanding him to wear his jeans around the house sometimes, for her pleasure – and then he started also wearing tight jeans to bed and even overnight at her behest, as they both liked the texture of denim against their skin as they cuddled and slept. From there, it developed into a kink that they enjoy playing with together.

 

What do you do once the jeans are on?

Theoretically you could do pretty much anything that does not involve having access to the jeans-wearer’s bare lower half. Whatever your favorite kinks are, you can probably do them while wearing tight jeans.

But also, my reader told me that she and her husband like to have sex while he’s in his jeans. And not just sex acts that would be possible either way, like him giving oral, but penetrative intercourse. I asked her how she managed this and she said that usually they pull the jeans down just far enough that his penis becomes accessible, and do it that way. She mentioned, too, that her husband’s erections are stronger and last longer when he’s wearing tight jeans; I imagine that this might have to do with the restriction around the area, particularly when the jeans are tugged down to just below his penis, where they might have a slightly constrictive effect on the base of the penis, similar to a cock ring.

There is potentially significant overlap between jeans bondage and chastity play. My reader told me that she and her husband incorporate sex into jeans bondage in two main ways: either no sexual stimulation is allowed until the jeans are at least partly removed (which is only done with the dom’s permission), or the jeans must be put back on immediately after sex is over. Tight jeans can act as a makeshift chastity cage of sorts – or, if you’re actually wearing a chastity cage, tight jeans make that somewhat obvious, which could be fun for erotic humiliation purposes.

 

Is any special equipment required?

Nope, aside from the jeans themselves! My reader told me that she and her husband each own about 12 different pairs of jeans, and that their criteria for “bondage jeans” are different than their criteria for “regular jeans.” She told me they usually buy at least a size tighter than they normally would when shopping with jeans bondage in mind, because the main goal is to restrict movement, especially bending of the knees.

I asked her if the two of them had specific jeans preferences beyond sizing, and she said that they prefer jeans made of denim that is as inflexible as possible. Levi’s and Wranglers are some of her faves. I wonder if something even more rigid, like raw Japanese denim, would be even better.

You’re welcome for these photos, btw.

Are there safety issues to consider?

There’s the basic stuff you’d consider when shopping for jeans in general. Does the material irritate your skin? Is it so tight that it cuts off circulation? Obviously these issues are best avoided if possible. Same as with any other type of bondage, you want something tight enough to give you the desired effect, arousal-wise, but not so tight as to cause medical issues, even when worn for many hours at a time. If you do feel any telltale tingling or other signs of something gone awry, take the jeans off immediately – and keep some safety shears nearby incase you ever have any trouble removing the jeans and need to take them off in a hurry.

My reader also noted that her husband tends to prefer jeans with a button fly over those with a zipper, because when wearing jeans sans underwear (as he does most often during this type of play), it’s easier to accidentally injure your penis with a zipper than with buttons. Good to know!

I’ll also say, I could see it becoming a health risk if someone with a vulva was wearing very tight jeans for extended periods of time without taking them off, changing them, or at least rinsing the genital area. Sounds like a recipe for some kind of infection. With regards to hygiene concerns more generally, my reader told me that her husband generally showers the morning after a play session and then changes into a fresh pair of jeans if they plan to continue playing.

 

What are the benefits and drawbacks of this type of bondage over other types?

Well, for one thing, you probably already own a pair of jeans, or can pick one up cheaply at a thrift store or fast-fashion shop. In that way, this kink is fairly low-cost to play with.

I imagine that folks doing jeans bondage often enough would have to do a lot of laundry on a regular basis. My reader told me that her husband does sometimes come in his jeans as part of their play, and that sometimes she even demands he wear his cum-soaked jeans overnight to emphasize the consensual discomfort (hot, tbh!), but that he always gets to change into a new pair after showering the next morning.

This is a potentially more directly sexually stimulating type of bondage than lots of other kinds, especially for folks with penises. My reader explained that the constant pressure/tightness/friction of jeans against her husband’s junk is a fun way that they play with edging and teasing together.

Not everyone can physically wear tight jeans, and there are also people who may not want to wear jeans because of how it interacts with their sensory issues or similar. Some folks could also potentially struggle with jeans for gender reasons, in which case they might prefer to do this type of play with tight leggings, a corset, or any other restrictive garment that feels gender-affirming.

 

Is there porn that depicts this kink?

My reader told me that she hasn’t been able to find much of anything about it. Indie porn creators, maybe there’s a niche to be filled here! (I will also add that, for pretty much any niche fetish, the best way to get the porn of your dreams is to pay a content creator to make a custom clip just for you.)

In the past, I have sometimes seen “jeans fetish” videos that depicted people looking hot in jeans, often tight jeans, but this seemed to be more about fetishization of the clothing than the restriction it provides. I’ve also seen people wear jeans in porn focused on omorashi (a fetish for seeing people wet themselves or deal with the discomfort of having a full bladder), but, again, that’s not quite the same thing as jeans bondage.

If you know of any niche content focusing on this kink, feel free to link to it in the comments or email me about it!

 

If you want to try jeans bondage for the first time, what do you need to know? (Aside from everything else I’ve written above, that is!)

When I asked my reader this question, knowing that folks might read this post and get curious, there were a few main points she wanted to emphasize.

First of all, she feels it’s crucial that if you’re the dom in a jeans bondage scenario, you must compliment your sub profusely and frequently on how good they look in jeans, how sexy you find them in jeans, etc. This, she said, makes it easier for them to endure the discomfort of wearing tight jeans for extended periods. I totally agree, and this is a piece of advice I give often on my podcast and blog: if you want your partner to do something more often, you gotta compliment them when they do it well (or, in some cases, do it at all).

She advised that beginners “start small,” by initially using jeans that aren’t super tight, and working your way up from there if you want to. Again, really solid advice for any kink – jumping straight into the deep end is usually a bad idea, not least because it can scare you off something you otherwise might have learned to enjoy greatly.

She suggested that you agree in advance on how long the jeans will remain on before being removed, so that the parameters will be clear to both/all participants. My reader noted that she and her husband don’t use safewords but instead just decide the duration of their scene in advance, e.g. you can take the jeans off when the alarm rings in the morning. Personally I am always in favor of having safewords in place, but if you eroticize playing without safewords, please please please watch this video from Princess Kelley May about how to play without safewords in the safest ways possible.

 

Have you ever done (or thought about doing) anything like jeans bondage? What did you think?

 

As I mentioned, this post was sponsored, meaning that I was paid to write it. All writing and opinions are my own, except where I’m quoting or paraphrasing the reader who inspired this post, naturally.

4 Mistakes People Make When Buying BDSM Toys

Kate Sloan

As you might have inferred from the many photos on this blog that feature collars, paddles, cuffs, and so on, I love BDSM accessories so much! They can brighten and broaden your sex life in all sorts of delightful ways.

As someone who often advises folks on upgrading their sex toy collections, I often see the same mistakes being made over and over again. Here are some classic pitfalls to avoid when shopping for new kink toys…

 

Assuming their partner is on board

I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I saw customers doing this when I worked at sex shops. They would come in, a wicked smile on their face, and ask for my help picking out a bondage kit, or an electrostimulation toy, or wax-play candles… and when I inquired further, they would reveal that they had not discussed this with their partner, but just thought it’d be fun to surprise them with something spicy.

While there certainly are people who would consent to being surprised in this way, the key word there is consent. You can’t know if your partner has any interest in [x kink] if you’ve never discussed it with them. Chat with your person/people before shopping for new sex toys you plan on using together, so you don’t make them feel pressured when you show up unannounced with a scary implement in your hands – or, even better, involve them in the shopping process directly, so you can make decisions that work for both/all of you.

 

Not knowing the difference between aesthetic novelties and toys made for rough use

There are a lot of BDSM toys out there, and not all are created equal. Some are made durably enough to withstand even intense scenes between kinksters who play hard, while some would be more suitable for scenes where you’re moreso pretending to be restrained, or spanked, or collared, or whatever – scenes where it’s the idea of the act that matters, not the act itself.

For example, I have several different collars; some are mostly for aesthetics, and would tear or warp if someone tugged on them or attached them to a leash, while some are thick and sturdy enough that I can be yanked around by them without damaging the collar. Pay attention to material, quality of construction, price, and whether the company making the toy specializes in kink gear; these can all be indicators of how it’ll hold up under duress.

 

Ignoring safety in favor of aesthetics

For instance, while many people fetishize the aesthetic of metal handcuffs, they are actually not considered safe for kink usage. (Or presumably for any other usage. ACAB, forever and ever, amen.) They dig into your wrists, especially if secured too tightly, and can cause bruising, cuts, and even permanent nerve damage. Leather bondage toys are much safer, as are fabric ones.

I have also seen such travesties as spanking paddles with sharp edges, butt plugs with an insufficiently flared base, and gags that would make it nearly impossible to breathe if one’s nose became congested mid-scene. Think about potential safety concerns before you make any purchase, and read articles on safety by BDSM experts if you’re not sure.

 

Eyes too big for your… whatever

I’ll be the first to admit that I have made this mistake: bought dildos and butt plugs too huge for me to possibly use comfortably, thrown cute but mega-stingy paddles into my cart even though I know I dislike stingy pain, eyed spreader bars despite the knowledge that my legs don’t even spread that wide. It’s a normal human impulse to want to push yourself outside your comfort zone sometimes, but be conscious of which boundaries can be bent and which are actually limits.

If you get a toy home and discover it doesn’t work for you, some shops will let you return or exchange it. If it’s a non-porous product, you may be able to sanitize it and gift it to a friend or partner who’ll be able to make better use of it.

 

What mistakes have you made while shopping for kink toys?

 

This post was sponsored by the folks at Tracy’s Dog, who have recently released some new kink toys! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

7 Things That Help Me Sleep Much Better

Kate Sloan

Sleep has always been important to me, but especially so since I became chronically ill. A good night of sleep can be the difference, for me, between a day wracked with pain all over my body, fatigue, moodiness, and brain fog, and a day with minimal symptoms. Along with overall stress reduction, getting good sleep as much as possible has become a high-level priority for me as I adjust to life in a sicker, more susceptible body.

Recently I’ve added some new elements into my sleep routine that have made it much easier for me sleep deeply and stay asleep for most of the night. Here are some of my favorite “sleep accessories”…

 

A great eye mask

I shout about the benefits of eye masks to anyone who asks. I used to think they were just a silly, frivolous item that rich characters wore in movies to signal their decadent lethargy. But they actually help with sleep issues enormously! Sleep doctors recommend them for decreasing the amount of time it takes for you to fall asleep. I also find that they help me stay asleep for longer; my body and brain seem happiest when I wake up around 10:30–11:00 a.m. each day, but the sun tends to disturb my sleep long before that without an eye mask on.

The Nidra Deep Rest mask is my favorite one I’ve ever tried (and I’ve tried several). It has a Velcro-adjustable strap to account for different head sizes and pressure preferences, it is contoured to prevent light from getting in even if you have a big schnoz like mine, and it has hollow “eye cups” that allow for the natural eye-fluttering movements of REM sleep and put less pressure on your eyes (good for folks who want to avoid wrinkles). They did not pay me in any way to say this; I just genuinely love this product, to the point that I take it with me everywhere I travel so I can ensure I’ll sleep well.

 

Earplugs

I have lived in the downtown core of a major city for several years, and once had a roommate who would have sex at any hour of the day or night and whose sex noises were louder than any I’d ever heard in my life, even in porn… so, of course I’m familiar with the earplugs lifestyle! (Still very glad I left that apartment. Yeesh.)

On the advice of The Wirecutter (a publication that gives good product recommendations but is famously shitty to its employees, so I shan’t link to them), I recently bought a bunch of Mack’s slim-fit soft foam earplugs, and they’re great. You roll ’em up real small between your fingers, stick ’em in your ear, and they puff back up to their original size in there, creating a mild-to-moderate amount of noise reduction. For me, they don’t work well enough on their own (which is why I use a white noise app, below), but when combined with all this other stuff, they’re excellent.

 

White noise app

I think I am too traumatized, and my nervous system is too fucked up, for me to sleep as deeply as I used to 😂 I just find, these days, that even small noises can jostle me from dreamland. When earplugs weren’t doing enough, I decided I should add a white noise app into the mix.

There are dozens, if not hundreds, of these on the App Store, so take your pick! On the advice of my spouse, an app developer with an encyclopedic knowledge of the best apps, I decided to pay the $10 CAD that it cost to get the Dark Noise app. I was finding that a lot of the free white noise apps were cluttered with ads, locked their best stuff behind paywalls, or would crash or pause after several consecutive hours of use; I wanted something that would simply work, and Dark Noise is absolutely doing the trick.

The app has a lot of different sounds at the ready, but the track I play every night when I go to sleep these days is “pink noise,” which is white noise but with its higher frequencies reduced, so that it sounds more like a steady, heavy rainfall. I turn this on at a volume loud enough that I can scarcely hear noises happening elsewhere in the apartment, and keep my phone near my bed while it’s charging all night. The noise is so relaxing and unobtrusive that sometimes I wake up in the morning and go, “Wait, huh? Why did the pink noise get turned off?” and then I realize it’s still on, my ears just got so used to it that they basically filtered it out. Magic.

 

“Smart home” hub and smart bulbs

I’m aware that lots of people have security concerns around anything “smart home”-related, and also that this stuff is too expensive in a lot of cases, which sucks. But I recently decided to treat myself to a HomePod mini and some smart bulbs for all the lights in my room, figuring that it would make my life easier as a chronically fatigued person if I could control the lights and audio in my room with my voice.

It’s been soooo helpful, I can’t even tell you. There are days when my fatigue is so crushingly intense that even picking up my phone from my nightstand feels like too much effort; it’s on those days that I can ask Siri, through the HomePod, to read me my texts, or reply to them, or play my “Energy” playlist to get me moving, or remind me what deadlines are on my calendar, or turn the lights off so I can take a nap, or turn the lights on so I can wake the fuck up. It has revolutionized my life.

I’ve configured many different “scenes” in my Home app – for example, saying “Hey Siri, bisexual” turns the lights pink and blue, while “Hey Siri, I’m doing my makeup” instantly brightens the lamp closest to my makeup area so I can do my face. Some of these have been super helpful in getting to sleep more easily, particularly one called “I’m going to bed.” When I tell Siri that I am indeed going to bed, she turns off all the lights but one, which she makes a rich shade of purple, and then she plays rain sounds on a speaker. This is the perfect setting for those “wind-down” minutes where I’ve gotten into bed and am reading, or taking one last look at my phone, before settling in for the night. At that point I say, “Hey Siri, good night!” and she turns off all the lights and sounds for me.

 

An amazingly soft pillow

Pillow preference is as personal as sex toy preference; I can’t tell you what will work for you, but I can tell you what works for me and how that relates to my preferences and needs, so you can figure out whether my recommendation will work for you.

I’m usually a side-sleeper, occasionally a back-sleeper. My neck and shoulders get depressingly sore if I sleep on a pillow that’s too flat. I sometimes feel too hot when I sleep and sometimes too cold. I spend a lot of time reading or writing in bed, so I prefer pillows that are suitable for sleep and sitting-up activities.

The Nest Easy Breather pillow (another Wirecutter recommendation) is the best pillow I’ve ever owned. It’s stuffed with shredded foam, so you can remove however much you want to get your desired fluffiness level, but I’ve left all of it in. It’s simultaneously supportive and soft. Can’t recommend it highly enough!

 

A fantastic wand vibrator

Okay, this one is kind of a joke… but also kind of not! When I’m feeling too sexually agitated to sleep – or just having trouble sleeping – sometimes a quick orgasm is the best solution. And wands are usually the easiest way for me to achieve that.

My all-time favorite is the Magic Wand Rechargeable; lately I’ve also enjoyed the slightly more petite Zalo Kyro. If you want to lean into the nighttime theme, Bodywand makes a glow-in-the-dark wand for some reason. No idea if it’s any good, but at least you could find it in a hurry if you needed to!

 

What products help you sleep better?

“Daydream Porn” – or, 8 Sentences I Always Wish Romantic Interests Would Say to Me

Kate Sloan
Not sure if I have any pictures of me actually being flirted with, but this gleeful face is close enough!

One of the main reasons I’m non-monogamous is that nothing gets me high like flirting. And I say that as someone who does actual drugs on a near-daily basis. 😂

It’s not that flirting can’t or doesn’t happen in long-term relationships – my spouse and I flirt with each other often, and they still make me blush and giggle a LOT even after being together for over four years.

But neurochemically, there is something unique about flirting with someone who hasn’t already declared that they like you enough to be in a relationship with you, or to marry you, or whatever. The phrase “thrill of the chase” comes to mind but I don’t usually think of myself as chasing folks I flirt with; it’s more of a dance. And for me, one of the most fun parts of the dance is the part where you’re pretty sure the person likes you but neither of you have really said as much yet, so there’s a constant frisson of excitement in the air when you’re around them.

Romantic fantasies have been one of my favorite mental dalliances for basically as long as I’ve been alive, and still to this day, they are a coping mechanism for me when I’m dealing with chronic pain, fatigue, demotivation, and other effects of the fibromyalgia and depression I live with. Even when I’m feeling like absolute shit, lying in bed surrounded by pillows, breathing deeply with my eyes closed to try to get through the waves of pain and malaise, I can still picture what it would be like if [x crush] said [x romantic thing] to me – the way they would say it, how their face would look, how I would react – and it reliably makes me feel at least a little bit better.

The following sentences are “daydream porn” for me in this way. Try imagining your biggest unrequited(-so-far) crush saying them to you, in an intimate corner booth of a bar, or at a picnic in the park, or on your living room couch, or wherever. If you start smiling from ear to ear just thinking about it, then maybe you can use these types of fantasies as coping mechanisms during tough times, like I can. (I suppose this post is also a guide for how to flirt with me, but, um… that was not meant to be its initial and primary mission!)

 

1. “You know that I’m flirting with you, right? Okay, good.”

A few different people have said some version of this to me and it always fills me with glee. I know it can be controversial to talk about flirting in a “meta” way like this, because (for some people) much of the magic of flirting is its uncertainty, its delicate balance of “will they/won’t they?” But since I’m a nervous insecure socially anxious weirdo who spends at least some brainpower during every interaction wondering if the person I’m talking to actually even likes me, it can be incredibly validating to hear from someone’s own mouth that they are indeed flirting with me – that I’m not imagining it, that it isn’t the result of wishful thinking on my part but is actually real.

One time I played some songs at an event, one of which was my song “Addressee,” in which I confess that I often have a hard time interpreting flirtation as flirtation. The boy I was into at the time came up to me after my set, complimented my music, and said, “Just so we’re clear: I am always flirting with you.” It helped me feel safe enough in that dynamic to continue to flirt with him as hard as I had been, and even harder. *chef’s kiss*

 

2. “I am having a lot of fun flirting with you.”

Along similar lines, this one is lovely because it simultaneously acknowledges that flirting is happening, and affirms that the person is enjoying themselves. (Shout-out to Reid Mihalko, who I think was the first person to introduce me to the idea that meta-communication about flirting while it’s happening can be wildly hot and fun, and also helps clarify consent/comfort or a lack thereof.)

I especially like when this line is thrown out casually as the precursor to something else, so that it feels like a simple descriptor of what is going on, rather than a momentous confession (although, as the below examples will point out, I also find momentous confessions hot; they’re just not always the most socially appropriate thing). Like, for example, sometimes I’ve been talking to someone cute at a party and they’ll say, “Well, I’m having a lot of fun flirting with you, but I need to circulate and say hi to my friends. Can we pick this back up again later?” My cheeks are getting pink just thinking about it!!

 

3. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”

Throw me into a lake; I need to cool off, because this one is HOTTTT.

When I was actively dating, I always felt like this sentence was the early-dates equivalent of an initial “I love you.” It gave me the same level of “🥰 OMG 🥰” feelings every time a new person said it to me. I think this is partly because I am chronically obsessive when I have a crush on someone, always thinking about them a lot (sometimes more than I would like to!), so it felt wonderfully validating to know that I wasn’t the only one in that boat.

This one is also low-key sexy because there is usually an implication that some of those thoughts have been sexual. I often find myself responding “Oh yeah, like what kinds of thoughts?” before I even realize what I’m saying, because I get so curious. It’s a fantastic opener for a saucy convo about all the sex things you want to do to each other, but it can also be chastely romantic, a confession that the person’s feelings for you have become more than just a momentary interest.

 

4. “I am extremely attracted to you.”

It still baffles me a little whenever people are attracted to me so I guess I just like to hear it in explicit terms so I can be sure I’m not misinterpreting. It’s not necessary because it is often implied by other things they do or say – I mean, if someone kisses me passionately, or bites their lip when they first see me in the dress I wore to our date, then it’s safe to say they are attracted to me – but it’s still nice to get a clear confirmation one way or the other.

This is a little hard to talk about without sounding unfeminist or shallow or something, but I also find that “I’m attracted to you” can land better for me at times than “You’re so smart” or “You’re so funny,” etc., because if I feel like someone’s attraction to me is predicated entirely on me being smart or funny, then I can start to doubt myself a lot if I ever have a weird brain day around them where I’m not able to be as smart or as funny as I normally would be – like, are they gonna lose their boner for me because I didn’t pick up on their obscure pun before I’d had my coffee?! Obviously it’s still lovely to be complimented on my smarts or humor, but when someone admits that they are holistically attracted to me, it makes it a little easier for me to relax into the knowledge that they’ll continue to like me no matter what I do (within reason).

 

5. “I think you are hilarious and gorgeous and I was wondering if I could take you out sometime.”

As far as I’m concerned, this is the perfect date-ask. I’m not saying no other way of asking me out would get a “yes,” or that no other way would make me feel good. But I do think this is the basic formula of how I’d always like to be asked out.

Complimenting someone in a date-ask is always a good idea, especially if you can compliment them on specific things that 1) you value in them and 2) they value (or ought to value) in themselves. My insecure brain is prone to being like, “Okay, yes, they asked me out, but do they find me ATTRACTIVE?? Do they actually even LIKE ME??” so pre-emptive compliments help me relax and actually believe them. (I have been asked out as a joke before, more than once. It is not fun.)

I like “take you out” because it’s the sort of phrasing most people wouldn’t tend to use unless they were talking about a date. But using the word “date” is also wonderful because it’s clear. I used to literally just sit in my childhood bed picturing different people asking me if they could take me out on a date. Free dopamine. A+.

 

6. “I can’t stop thinking about how much I’d like to kiss you.”

Truly glad y’all can’t see me right now because writing this post is making me feel so blushy and romantic that I’m actually getting a little dizzy and light-headed!! Anyway, this is the best way to ask someone if you can kiss them, IMO.

I originally picked this up from Dan Savage, who says that “I really wanna kiss you right now” (or touch you, or fuck you, or whatever) is the best non-pushy way to 1) communicate your desire and 2) leave the other person an opportunity to either say yes or redirect the conversation. I like the addition of “I can’t stop thinking about” because it conveys enthusiasm, which (as you may have noticed) is a recurring theme in what I find romantically exciting.

Often, by the time someone says this, they will have already made it pretty clear in their body language – maybe moving closer to you, maybe staring intermittently at your lips throughout the conversation, or biting or licking their own – but it’s still nice to hear it. And if someone signals to me, even in an indirect way like this, that they care about consent and would never make a move without it, that’s super hot and makes me feel much safer around them.

 

7. “I’m finding myself really wanting to touch you right now. How would you feel about that?”

Replace “touch you” with whatever. I have had doms bring up spanking me in this way; I’ve had vanilla cuties bring up holding hands in this way; it’s just a sweet way of getting permission to break the touch barrier.

I understand that some people find it hot when touch is infused with such urgency and passion that the person doesn’t even ask before kissing you, touching you, etc. but I think that approach requires a high degree of competency with noticing nonverbal cues, “reading the room,” etc. and not everyone has that. I also just personally find a “slow burn” hotter. If someone asks if they can touch me, I’m going to take a moment to ponder their question, likely while picturing what their touch will feel like and what it might lead to. And that’s ultimately going to turn me on far more than if they just grabbed me. But that’s me, baby – talk to your person/people if you want to know how they feel about all this.

 

8. “I really hope I get to see you again soon.”

All of these, I’m realizing, are really just different ways of saying “I’m very into you and I want you to know that!” What can I say, I know what I like.

I know there is a lot of emphasis on “chill” in the dating world, and certainly, it has its place. You don’t want to burn too hot when the other person is behaving more coldly or ambivalently. But considering how much I fret after a date about whether I was cute enough or witty enough or fun enough, it absolutely makes my day when someone reaches out to say they enjoyed themselves and want to do it again sometime soon.

A slightly more proactive way of saying this – and one that conveys even more interest – would be to add something like, “Are you free next Friday night for [drinks/dinner/a comedy show/whatever]?” but that’s not always the right move, depending on the situation. Like, I wouldn’t necessarily want someone to immediately ask me out on a second date when we’ve barely finished our first one, because I usually like to take some time to process after a first date and figure out how I felt about it before I decide what I want to happen next. But getting that text a day or two after a first date, if we had been chatting via text in the interim, would work excellently for me, and makes me blushy to think about.

 

What sentences feature prominently in your romantic fantasies?