A Vibrator for Meditation?! Well, Sort Of…

It’s not often that I’m offered a vibrating object which isn’t designed to be put on your genitals – so I was intrigued when I received a press release about the Sensate.

 

What is the Sensate and what does it do?

The Sensate is a “wearable stress relief and anti-anxiety device.” It’s a small vibrating object that reminds me of the Je Joue MiMi. It comes with a lanyard, which you can attach to it and then wear like a necklace, to keep the Sensate in the right spot on your sternum while you’re using it.

Okay, but what does the Sensate actually do? It connects via Bluetooth to an iOS/Android app, which contains a selection of ambient audio tracks for meditation. Each one of those tracks has its own corresponding vibration patterns, so that the vibrations you feel on your chest are perfectly in sync with the music or sounds you’re hearing.

This could be plenty relaxing on its own, but the Sensate’s vibration actually serves a specific purpose beyond just feeling good (which it does): to “tone the vagus nerve.” If you’re unfamiliar, the vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the human autonomic nervous system. It plays a role in many critical aspects of health, including heart rate, breathing rate, and digestion. It also helps us cope with stress, by regulating our fight-or-flight responses and helping us soothe ourselves back into a relaxed state when we get stressed out.

Supposedly, the vibrations meted out by the Sensate help the vagus nerve to relax, evoking a feeling of safety and calm. The makers of the Sensate say that over time, this process gets easier and easier as your vagus nerve gets more toned, so that you develop greater resilience in the face of stress.

(I should note here that while I minored in psychology in school, and have done extensive self-education on trauma and the nervous system, I’m not a medical expert at all and don’t have the knowledge or experience to directly confirm whether this science is legit. But everything I’ve written here is, to the best of my knowledge, true.)

 

How well does it work?

I’ve recently been learning about mindfulness and meditation for pain reduction, through a program offered by my local chronic pain clinic, so I was excited to get to test a device that’s specifically for meditation. I have to say, usually I struggle to make time for meditation because it just seems so boring compared to, I dunno, doomscrolling Twitter or playing Pokémon games… but since getting the Sensate, I’ve been much more enthused about it. There’s something about having a cool little device that makes the whole practice feel more fun and special to me, and if that’s what it takes to motivate myself into meditating, then so be it.

I like to cocoon myself in bed, plug my headphones into my phone, slip the Sensate’s lanyard over my head, get it positioned properly, and put a blindfold on before beginning my meditation. (The blindfold helps me a lot, because otherwise I would tend to look around idly and get distracted.) There are currently 13 different tracks in the app – I hope they add more eventually – and each has a duration of either 10, 20, or 30 minutes; I like that I can choose whichever duration I’m in the mood for, but do wish there were a few 5-minute meditations too, for those really busy days.

Like most beginner meditators (and maybe most meditators in general tbh), my mind wanders a lot while I’m trying to “empty” it during a meditation session. But I find that the vibrations of the Sensate are grounding and serve as a frequent reminder that I am indeed meditating, and that I should gently return my focus to my breath (or whatever else I’ve chosen to focus on).

I gotta say, I was skeptical about the Sensate, but I always notice a significant reduction in stress and agitation after I use it. My body and brain typically feel calm, quiet, and relaxed, in a way that reminds me of the soft peace I feel after a good hard cry or a good hard spanking scene. When I try to meditate without the Sensate, often I just end up worrying about work projects I have to finish or social interactions I think I fucked up, so I often don’t feel very relaxed by the time a meditation ends; however, with the Sensate, even if I do experience anxiety or worrying during the meditation, I always feel calmer when I’m done.

The battery life is pretty good; Sensate’s website says you’ll probably need to charge it once a week if you’re using it every day. It comes with a cute little travel case, which I love, because I genuinely would bring this with me on trips, especially if I was en route to an anxiety-provoking event.

I can’t really tell you whether the Sensate has had any kind of long-term effect on my overall mood or stress level, because I’m also going through a lot of stuff right now that is affecting those things too: trauma therapy, learning about Internal Family Systems, a fucking global pandemic, and so on. But I can say that it helps me relax in the moment, helps me fall asleep, and motivates me to meditate more often.

 

But is it sexy?!?

Look, this is a sex blog, and I wrote a book about kink. Of course I gotta talk about whether this thing is sexy and/or kinky.

There is a spot on my chest, right between my boobs, that feels good to touch, in a borderline-sexual way. I always adjust the Sensate so it is placed directly on that spot, even though the instructions recommend placing it a little higher. (They also say placing it lower is fine, FYI.) This makes it a more sensual experience for me and is probably a big part of why I feel more motivated to meditate since getting this device 😂

If you’re into erotic hypnosis, or have another kink that involves fetishizing relaxation, sleepiness, or spaceyness, I’m sure you could find some inventive ways to use the Sensate in scenes. For instance, I think it would be hot if my partner put me in trance, put my Sensate + headphones + blindfold on me, started a 30-minute track, and performed cunnilingus on my sleepy, spacey body. (Um, they’re gonna read this post aloud to me later like they always do, and I just know they’re gonna make some kind of pervy comment right here that’ll make me blush…)

I have considered the idea of placing the Sensate on my genitals during a meditation, but I just don’t know that it’d be all that fun. The vibrations aren’t toooo buzzy but they certainly aren’t optimized for genital pleasure. I think you’d be better off just using a regular vibrator on yourself during a Sensate session if you wanted to combine meditation with masturbation (or sex).

I tried using the Sensate during a shrooms trip once, and wished I had pre-vetted the track I chose, because it was kind of creepy and put me into a negative headspace in that state, so I abandoned ship after just a couple of minutes. I’d like to try it again with a different track sometime soon, because I’m sure it would be wild to use this thing on psychedelics.

 

Does it have any drawbacks?

The main one is that this thing costs $249. I imagine that a lot of the reason for that steep price tag is the research and development that went into creating it, which I absolutely respect; I just think it’s way out of most people’s price range for something they’ll probably use a few times a week, tops. If you’re a serious meditator, have a lot of cash to throw around, and/or have “tried everything” to relieve your stress symptoms and want to try something else, I think it’d be a decent purchase. But the average person definitely does not need this, especially since you can get the app for free and just listen to the audio tracks, sans vibration.

There’s no way to experience the relaxing vibrations of the Sensate without the usage of the accompanying app. This means that you’re shit outta luck if you don’t have an iOS or Android phone. It also means that you can’t sync up the Sensate with other audio, like your favorite songs or a voice memo of your partner saying filthy shit to you. You can use it without headphones on, thereby experiencing only the vibrations and being able to listen to whatever you want, but the inventors say (and I believe) that the relaxation effects won’t be as pronounced if you use it that way. Of course, if you’re using it for hypnokink perviness or somesuch, maybe you don’t care about that.

 

Final thoughts

If you can spare $249 and you want an inventive product that’ll help you chill out, I think you’d dig the Sensate. I’m honestly really glad I own one.

But also, you don’t need it. Maybe just try holding your vibrator against your chest while you meditate sometimes? 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

Thanks to Sensate for sending me their product to try! They didn’t pay me for this review or anything, I just think it’s a cool product and wanted to write about it.

Come Celebrate This Blog Turning 10 Years Old!

2012 / 2022

I literally cannot believe it, but this blog, Girly Juice, is turning TEN YEARS OLD this coming Sunday!!

Yes, it was nearly 10 years ago to the day that I threw together a simple Tumblr-hosted blog, with the intention of spending the summer – just one summer! – writing anonymously about sex on the internet. Now it’s a decade later and this blog is still one of my greatest creative outlets, my home on the internet, and essentially my main “job.”

There are some people I want to thank, while I’m celebrating this anniversary:

  • My parents, who raised me to explore whatever authentically interested me, and have been nothing but supportive in my journey toward becoming a full-time professional sex writer and podcaster. (They were initially confused when I started receiving big boxes in the mail a couple times a week – I was still living at home back then – but when I eventually explained that the boxes were full of sex toys I was being sent to review, they were chill as hell about it.)
  • My spouse and the love of my life, Matthew, who has been my de facto tech support person for nearly half the lifespan of this blog thus far. They have helped me with innumerable tasks I would have been too daunted or ill-equipped to tackle myself, like updating back-end code and replacing zillions of links when affiliate programs randomly get dismantled. They’ve also been the #1 supporter of my work the entire time we’ve been together, reading almost every new blog post aloud to me over the phone before it comes out, offering feedback and topic suggestions, helping me promote my work, guesting on my podcasts, being interviewed on my blog, and so on. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a kind, generous, thoughtful and brilliant person in my corner, but I’m grateful for them every day.
  • My friend Epiphora, a fellow sex blogger and sex toy reviewer. She was one of my major inspirations when I first began this work, and was also the person who sat me down in year 3 of Girly Juice and said, “We’re getting you a self-hosted website. Your blog is too good to be hosted on Tumblr.” She was right, especially since Tumblr banned all adult content just a few years later. It was Piph who initially installed WordPress on this domain, set everything up for me, and moved everything over. I literally don’t think this blog would have existed in the first place without her, and it certainly would not have lasted this long without her help.
  • My other sex blogger friends – there are too many to name, but many are linked in the “Blogs I Love” section of my sidebar – for all the advice, support, inspiration and laughter we’ve shared over the years.
  • Jessica Mullen and Kelly Cree of the School of Life Design, who designed the blog’s current theme/aesthetic. That was like half a decade ago – I’m overdue for an overhaul, and working on it – but part of why this design has lasted so long is that I really feel like Jessica and Kelly just “got” what I was going for, and what my whole “vibe” is.
  • All the various companies who have advertised on my site, commissioned sponsored content from me, and so on. Despite what critics have to say about “selling out,” the fact is that creative people can make their best work when they have enough time and money to do so, and this blog simply could not have endured all this time if it wasn’t a significant income stream for me. It is truly wonderful to get paid for doing what you love to do!
  • My readers, of course!!! My deepest, wildest dream when starting this blog was that I’d be able to connect with other people who were as passionately nerdy about sex as I was, and that has happened more than I would have ever thought possible. I love you all so much (except the ones who sexually harass me) and am so glad you’re here. Thank you. ❤️

 

To celebrate this momentous occasion, this Sunday at 2pm ET I am doing a livestream on Instagram Live. I’ll play some songs and perhaps read some cringey old blog posts and/or invite my spouse to do so, in their beautiful voice. We’ll raise money for the ACLU in Texas, to hopefully help the trans kids (and their parents) being horribly mistreated there currently; song requests will be welcome in exchange for donations. It’ll be a good time. You can check my Instagram page to join the stream when it starts.

Thank you again so much for being here and for joining me on this journey. I hope to continue blogging here for as long as it feels good to do so – and it definitely hasn’t stopped feeling good yet. 💖

The Hole Punch Fluke is a Perfect Sex Toy

One of the hazards of being a professional sex toy reviewer is that sometimes I’m so busy reviewing toys I have to review that I neglect to review the toys I actually bought with my own money. But quite often, they are excellent and deserve to be written about!

My friend Epiphora mentioned the Fluke by Hole Punch Toys in a recent blog post of hers, and it made me realize that I’ve never reviewed this toy on my blog, despite it possibly being one of my top-10 favorite toys of all time. So let’s rectify that, shall we?!

 

What is the Fluke?

The Hole Punch Fluke is a silicone plug that can be used either vaginally or anally. Like most plugs, it is designed to stay put once you insert it, comfortably, without requiring much (if any) readjustment. I personally have never used it anally because it’s a bit too large for my butt – its diameter is a hefty 2″ at the widest point – but I love it for vaginal use, as I’ll explain in more detail below.

That’s pretty much it. It doesn’t vibrate or do anything fancy, and it doesn’t need to; it’s just an exceptionally well-designed plug that fulfills a purpose in my sex toy collection that no other toy really does.

What makes this toy so great?

  • First and foremost, the Fluke is simply the best toy I’ve ever found for passive G-spot stimulation, by which I mean, G-spot stimulation that requires zero ongoing effort on my part. Because of its girth, its exaggerated coronal ridge, and the firmness of its silicone, it exerts pressure constantly against my G-spot while it’s inside me. This makes it excellent for lazy masturbators (i.e. me) as well as for people who have chronic pain or strength issues that make it difficult for them to thrust a dildo in and out (also me).
  • Because of how it passively provides stimulation, the Fluke pairs brilliantly with anything and everything that would benefit from added G-spot (or prostate) stimulation: clitoral or penile pleasure, making out, grinding/dry-humping, spanking, public play, forced orgasm play, performing or receiving oral sex, watching porn/reading erotica, and so on.
  • It makes my orgasms extra intense, because of its girth, firmness, and ability to target my G-spot so directly. I most often use this toy during phone-sex scenes that are focused predominantly on me receiving oral sex; I find that orgasms from clitoral stimulation alone are not always the most satisfying for me, but having a thick piece of G-spot-focused silicone inside me makes them much more intense.
  • Amazingly enough, I have found that the Fluke can make me squirt without me having to actually do anything. It is one of the only toys in existence that can do that, because of the intensity of G-spot stimulation that’s generally needed to produce squirting. Wow.
  • The Fluke is available in a few different colors, all gorgeous ombrés. Mine is a stunning teal/blue and it also comes in orange/yellow and pink/purple. I deeply appreciate sex toy companies that offer fun colorways, especially since it makes their toys potentially more accessible to folks who experience gender dysphoria.
  • Hole Punch Toys is owned and operated by an awesome human named Colin who makes unique, artisanal sex toys out of his art studio in Saint Paul, Minnesota. I really admire the boldness and artistry of his work, and hope to someday own the terrifying-yet-sexy gun dildo he makes! (Content note: it’s literally a dildo that looks like a gun.)

 

Does this toy have any flaws?

  • I think the girth of this toy is likeliest to cause issues for users if anything will. As I mentioned before, it has a 2″ diameter at its widest point, which is significantly larger than most penises and “beginner-friendly” dildos. I find it comfortable if I’m already plenty aroused when I insert it, and if I use lots of water-based lube, but if your orifice prefers petite penetration, this probably isn’t the toy for you.
  • The silicone is a little draggy so you do need a lot of lube.
  • I literally cannot think of anything else that I dislike about this toy. It is that good.

 

Final thoughts

The Hole Punch Fluke is my go-to toy when I want to feel filled up, and have my G-spot stimulated, with minimal effort. I have not found any other toy that does what it does quite so effectively. It also happens to be so cute and beautiful that even just seeing it on my nightstand improves my mood.

Supporting indie toymakers is a cause close to my heart – some others I love are Funkit Toys and Weal & Breech, FYI – and so I’m thrilled to be able to introduce my readers to this glorious toy!

 

You can buy the Hole Punch Fluke at SheVibe ($67 USD), the Smitten Kitten ($66 USD), or Come As You Are ($98 CAD).

This post was not sponsored, but I do get a little kickback (at no extra cost to you) when you buy through my affiliate links. As always, all opinions stated here are my genuine opinions.

How to Tell Whether a Luxury Sex Toy is Worth the Money

Pictured: the Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble, the Désirables Dalia, and a Canadian $50 bill. Yes, our money really does look like that.

A lot of people ask me whether my pricier sex toys are worth the money. The answer depends vastly on what you’re looking for, and there are certainly many affordable toys that are perfectly decent (that’s a whole ‘nother blog post). But if you’ve got some cash burning a hole in your pocket and a high-end sex toy on the brain, here’s some advice on how to ensure it’s worth the dough.

 

Check the material first

For cost-cutting purposes, a lot of sex toy companies use materials that are porous, toxic, or both. This is made possible by the lack of regulation in the sex toy industry, and is one of the biggest hurdles sex toy shoppers face, especially first-time users who don’t know what to look for and what to avoid.

Unsafe materials, such as PVC and TPR, are usually found in toys that cost say, $40 or less – but there’s a surprising number of pricier toys that use these materials too. (For example, the phthalate-ridden jelly rabbit vibe that gave me a chemical burn inside my vagina when I was a teenager is still being made, and currently retails for $47.96. YIKES. They should have to pay you to use that thing, if just to cover your medical bills!)

Here’s a short version of my material safety shpiel: only buy toys that are made of 100% silicone, hard plastic, glass, metal, lucite/acrylic, sealed ceramic, or food-safe lacquered wood. (Some combination of these materials is okay too; for example, some toys have a 100% silicone shaft and a hard plastic handle.)

Some specialized types of toys are okay to buy in porous materials – for instance, many strokers, such as Fleshlights, are made of porous materials like TPR and TPE, but in that case it’s considered more acceptable because penises are less prone to the types of infections that vaginas can easily get from using porous toys. Phthalates are still a no-no for everybody, though. Unfortunately, sex toy companies aren’t always honest about what’s in their toys, which is why you should do the next thing on this list…

 

Read reviews from various different sources

There are many sex toy reviews in various places around the internet – including over 300 on this blog! – and it would behoove you to read several reviews of any toy you’re planning on purchasing, before you purchase it. I think it’s best to read a mix of sex toy bloggers’ reviews, reviews on mainstream sites like Self and Insider (both of which I’ve written for, FYI), and laypeople’s reviews on sites like Amazon. This’ll give you an overall picture of what people think of the toy.

For a vibrator, check to see whether reviews say it’s rumbly, powerful enough, and has variable speeds/settings (plus whatever other criteria you want to prioritize, like waterproofness or USB-rechargeability). For a non-vibrating toy, seek out reviewers’ thoughts on whether its shape and size are comfortable, how easy it is to use, and how well it hits whatever erogenous zone(s) you’re looking to target.

It’s especially useful if you can find, and follow the work of, sex toy critics whose tastes seem fairly close to your own. That way, you can more safely assume that their recommendations will work for you and your body. For example, if you and your favorite toy reviewer previously agreed on how great the Satisfyer Pro 2 felt, and the reviewer posts a glowing new review of the Lora DiCarlo Osé 2, it’s quite possible that you would like the Osé as well (or at least its clitoral portion).

 

Think about the “cost-per-use”

By far, clitoral vibrators are the type of toy I use most often, since I need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. So it makes sense that I’ve happily spent hundreds of dollars on great clitoral toys in the past: I use one nearly every time I masturbate or have sex. It’s easy to see how a $300 vibrator can be a good investment if you use it, say, 300 times in the first year that you own it. (In love with a vibrator?! Who, ME?!)

By contrast, something like the MotorBunny Buck Thrusting Sex Machine would be more of a “special occasion” toy for many people. That’s not to say you shouldn’t buy it, if you’ve got the funds – but it’s worth considering whether you’d rather spend that money on something you’d use regularly instead.

 

Touch it in-person

If you have the opportunity to see and touch a toy in real life, you can get a better idea of how well it’s constructed, how rumbly the vibrations are, how squishy the material is, etc., which is useful information when debating a purchase.

The most common way to do this is to visit a brick-and-mortar sex shop and check out their floor models, but if you happen to have a friend or partner who owns the sex toy you want, you could also ask them if you could come over to take a look and give it a squeeze. (Obviously it would be nice if they washed it first…)

 

Look for sales, deals, ‘n’ bundles

I really lucked out when I bought my Njoy Eleven. As of 2022, it retails for $360 in Canada – but when I bought it in 2015, it was selling for $200 and the retailer was having a “20% off everything” sale, so I ended up only paying $181 including tax. Not sure I’ll ever feel a rush quite like that again…

In addition to the periodic sales that many retailers run, you could also look for toy bundles, like the We-Vibe Date Night special edition kit, which contains my beloved We-Vibe Nova 2 along with one of We-Vibe’s super-rumbly vibrating cock rings. To buy these toys separately at full price would cost $288, whereas the bundle is only $217 right now. Wow!

If you see a toy bundle that contains some stuff you want and some stuff you don’t, you could ask a friend or partner if they want to chip in, in exchange for the toy(s) you’re not interested in. Teamwork makes the dream work!

 

Thanks to the folks at LuxuryVibrators.ca for sponsoring this post! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Polyamory & Trauma Are a Tricky Combination, But These Resources Can Help

Sometimes my traumatized heart feels like a stormy sea.

In mid-2017, I started having weird episodes when my then-boyfriend would go on dates with one of his other partners. I’m using the phrase “weird episodes” here because I wasn’t sure what to call them at the time – they felt more panicky and distressing than mere jealousy, but did not manifest like actual panic attacks, as far as I could tell. During those episodes, I felt like I was dying, and like I was an ugly failure, and like I had just been informed by the love of my life that they didn’t care about me and were leaving. Those emotions felt entirely real and immediate to me, and made me utterly unable to function. They would often continue for hours or days.

I was very confused, and frankly, so was my partner. I had been polyamorous before, and this had never been an issue. Sure, I’d felt twinges of jealousy or irritation now and again when my partners would spend time with their other sweethearts, but those had always felt manageable, momentary, and easily dismissed. These new episodes were entirely different in character, and were much more debilitating to my relationship and my everyday functioning.

What I later learned, through tons of therapy, reading, journaling, chatting with polyam friends, and reflecting on my experiences, is that I am a trauma survivor and that these episodes were a trauma response. Childhood experiences of emotional abuse had amped up my nervous system and had made me hypersensitive to the threat of being unloved, unwanted, and not good enough. These feelings came up more acutely in that particular relationship because we were in a DD/lg dynamic, which brought my deepest desires to life but also brought the most vulnerable and helpless versions of me to the surface psychologically.

So when that boyfriend/daddy dom started dating someone else, without checking with me first and without taking the time to make sure both Adult Me and Little Girl Me felt okay with that decision and felt safe in our relationship, of course I started getting triggered all the time. I had deep-seated childhood trauma and was being re-traumatized repeatedly by the embodied sense that my “daddy” liked someone else better than me – a situation which wasn’t exactly helped by him constantly texting with his other partner while we were together, conveying more enthusiasm about that relationship than about ours, and telling me I was overreacting and harming him by being triggered.

Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last. But what it taught me was invaluable. The intensity of my reactions in that relationship eventually led me to seek out trauma therapy and start finally unpacking my issues. So, even though that boyfriend treated me badly, in a way I have to thank him for showing me exactly what parts of myself I needed to work on in order to someday become my truest, highest, most healed self.

 

Learning about the ways that trauma impacts polyamory has been completely transformative for me, because it has given me the tools to understand my past experiences and a road map toward happier ones. When I first entered the non-monogamy world around 2012, there was an almost libertarian-esque fervor about “taking responsibility for your own feelings.” The general prevailing attitude in the community, so far as I could tell, was that if you felt jealous, that was your issue to deal with, and your issue alone. There was very little nuance in the conversation and very little room for the idea that people’s emotional responses are not always the result of a toxic monogamy mindset and are not always fully within their control.

This can cause traumatized polyamorists to feel that they’re “broken” or “bad at polyamory” for having these responses. In many cases, they think that because they’ve been explicitly told that by judgmental partners who didn’t understand what was going on. Triggering a shame spiral in this way helps no one, and yet it was the customary approach most polyam people seemed to take when dating a traumatized person at that time.

So I’ve been delighted to see more discourse about trauma and polyamory over the past few years, and more resources popping up to explain these concepts to folks and help them have happier, healthier relationships regardless of their trauma history. I’ve gathered some of those resources below for you to peruse if you need ’em, or if you think my tale of woe sounds like something your partner or friend has gone through, or if you’re just curious. Whether you want to be non-monogamous yourself and have struggled with it due to trauma, or you just want to work through trauma that affects your relationship(s) regardless of monogamy status, I hope you find these resources as helpful as I have.

 

Workshops

• Bar none, the most helpful resource on this topic for me personally has been Clementine Morrigan’s “Trauma-Informed Polyamory” workshop. While Clementine does teach it in-person sometimes, it’s also available online as a 2.5-hour video (with optional captioning) that you can purchase, download, and watch. What’s really remarkable about this class is that it brings together a variety of modalities I think are crucial for understanding and overcoming trauma responses in polyamory. These include nervous system work (i.e. understanding how and why your nervous system gets triggered and how to get it back into a place of safety) and attachment theory (i.e. the ways that our relationships with our caregivers in childhood can affect the way we approach relationships for the rest of our lives). If you choose to only explore one resource on this list, I think it should be this one, unless something else I recommend here sounds like it would resonate more for you.

• While not trauma-focused, Reid Mihalko’s “Battling the 8-Armed Octopus of Jealousy” workshop was super helpful for me in learning more about jealousy triggers. There are a lot of different reasons why people experience jealousy, and it can be useful to understand your own triggers in this area so you can learn to work around them or create relational structures that prevent them from occurring as often. For example, I learned in this workshop that one of my biggest jealousy triggers is not feeling “special” to my partner, which is one reason why we have specific honorifics, kinks, and sex acts that we reserve only for each other and don’t do with other partners.

 

Books & Zines

• The book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy by Jessica Fern has gotten a lot of attention in polyamorous communities over the past year, and for good reason. It’s a must-have guide to navigating polyamory when you or a partner is attachment-injured, i.e. experienced some kind of trauma related to their caregivers or other attachment figures at some point which continued to affect the way they feel and behave in relationships. If you’ve routinely struggled with anxiety and/or avoidant behaviors in your relationships, you might be attachment-injured and this book might help you. The thing I love most about it is that it emphasizes finding relational security through the quality of the connection, rather than through extraneous things that provide the illusion of relational security, like monogamy or strict rules. You should read this if you’re an attachment-injured person who wants to be polyamorous, or if you have a partner or potential partner who fits that description; it’ll give you a lot of strategies for calming attachment-related inner turmoil and finding a feeling of safety in your relationship(s).

• In addition to their polyamory workshop (above), Clementine Morrigan also wrote a zine called Love Without Emergency: I Want This But I Feel Like I’m Going to Die about their personal experiences with these issues. (That link is to the physical version of the zine; click here if you’d rather buy a PDF copy.) It’s less of an instructional resource and more of a calming, validating one. Sometimes I leaf through my copy when my partner is on a date, to remind myself that 1) other people experience what I’m feeling and so I’m not alone, 2) my trauma does not make me broken, and 3) there are ways out of those terrible feelings.

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk is widely regarded as one of the best books on trauma, such that my partner and I frequently make jokes about the title when we need a moment of levity during a trauma episode (e.g. “damn, my body’s really keeping the score today, huh?!”). I haven’t had the emotional strength to read it yet, honestly, but I know that it’s largely about the ways that trauma manifests physically in the body, which is useful stuff to understand when navigating any kind of triggering situation, including those that can come up in polyamory.

• One of my all-time fave non-monogamy books in general is Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell. This one isn’t primarily trauma-focused but it does contain a lot of practical advice for navigating emotionally difficult situations that come up in polyamory, like what to do if you get anxious while your partner is out on a date or what level of detail you want to hear when your partner tells you about their dates.

• I haven’t yet had a chance to read Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships by Kate Loree, but the author is trauma-savvy and it looks like it’s gonna be great.

 

Therapeutic Modalities

I’ve written before about how I used the filtering tools on PsychologyToday.com to find my therapist, by searching for practitioners who were LGBTQ-informed, kink-informed, and polyamory-informed, and who specialized in trauma. You can use that same method to find a therapist, or you can just voice a preference for particular modalities when searching for a therapist in whatever other ways are available to you. I’m no expert, but here are some modalities and strategies I’ve found helpful in healing from these issues:

Internal Family Systems is a therapeutic model which emphasizes the existence of different “parts” of our personalities, which can be integrated through therapy. I never really used to believe in this stuff, but as I’ve been healing my trauma with the help of my therapist, I’ve noticed that my “inner child” is very wounded and needs a lot of love and compassion, which I had long been denying her by dismissing those sad, unloved feelings as stupid and irrational. Doing IFS work with my therapist is helping me reconnect with that inner child so I can “re-parent” her and help her feel safe, even when she experiences abandonment anxiety or insecurity because of my partner dating other people. If you’re interested in IFS but can’t afford/access therapy or just want to learn more, Dr. Tori Olds has an incredible series of videos about the basic principles of IFS; her work has helped me understand how this modality functions, not only emotionally but neurologically as well.

• “Somatic therapy” is a pretty broad term, as there are many therapeutic modalities that focus on the somatic, i.e. what our bodies are feeling and how that connects to our minds. However, I mention it here because it was something I specifically sought out when I wanted to heal from trauma, having noticed that modalities based on words and emotions (such as cognitive-behavioral therapy) weren’t easing my trauma responses at all. This, I learned, is because trauma is stored in parts of the mind that aren’t always consciously accessible to us, and because many people find that trauma manifests in their bodies, not just their minds. Doing somatic exercises with my therapist has been way more helpful for my trauma than CBT. Some examples of these exercises are locating the physical locus of anxiety within myself and having a “conversation” with it, or noticing while triggered that the bigness of my body means I’m an adult now and am not a powerless child anymore.

• Compassion and mindfulness. These are components of many therapeutic modalities, but I think they’re important enough to be mentioned specifically here. A lot of the work I’ve done on mindfulness, whether with the guidance of an expert or just in my own research and exploration, has been about accepting everything I’m feeling and experiencing at the present moment, including the things about myself that I normally dislike. Accepting yourself the way you are right now is a type of self-compassion, and self-compassion is vital for healing the anxieties and insecurities that can make polyamory feel impossible.

 

Other Resources

• I think reading polyamory blogs and forums can be super helpful when you’re feeling shitty about yourself for struggling with polyamory, because a lot of other people struggle with it too and have written about their struggles online. Kevin Patterson’s excellent blog Poly Role Models and the ever-insightful Poly.Land are great places to start.

• Sex educator and trauma expert Jimanekia Eborn hosts a podcast called Trauma Queen which is super validating to listen to as a trauma survivor. It’s not always focused on polyamory or relationships, but I think there’s a lot to learn from it in terms of trauma more generally.

• Jessica Fern, the author of the aforementioned book Polysecure, guested on my podcast and we had an interesting conversation about the monogamy mindset, nervous system regulation, healing from trauma, and more.

 

I’ll leave you with a metaphor that my therapist used in one of our sessions recently. Imagine you have a friend who went through a traumatic house fire as a kid. No one died or was seriously injured, but it was extremely scary and they’ve found fire very triggering ever since. But imagine that because of their ethics and values, they decided they wanted to become a firefighter. As they started training for the job, and then started fighting actual fires, what would you say to them when they kept getting triggered every day at work? What would be your advice for this person? Would you tell them to quit, or would you tell them to continue?

When my therapist asked me this, the answer seemed immediately obvious to me. “I’d tell them that the right decision would depend on whether or not they felt willing and able to put in the work to overcome that trauma,” I said. “I’d tell them they would have to think carefully about whether their values are more important than avoiding their trauma triggers. There’s no wrong answer, but they should think about it.”

My therapist said, “Exactly. And it’s the same with you and polyamory. Polyamory is very triggering for you. But you also know that you want to be polyamorous, because of your values and priorities. So the question becomes: Do you want it enough to put in the work of healing from your trauma so you can achieve your goal of being happily, healthily polyamorous?”

For the time being, I have decided that I do. So I will continue to revisit these resources, go to therapy, and work on myself. I will continue, at least for now, to fight those fires. I will continue to do the hard work I signed up for. Even when it hurts. Even when it feels impossible. Because I’m tired of being so damn scared all the time. I want to be brave and strong and healed, and I know that I can be. I just need help to get there – and, as this list has shown, there’s plenty of help to be found.

 

Do you have any resources to recommend on the subject of trauma’s interactions with polyamory? Feel free to share ’em in the comments, or let me know if you’ve enjoyed the ones I’ve recommended here. ❤️