“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 2 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 6/52: “The Museum”

Lyrics:

Special treasures, secret pleasures
For the knowing, patient eye
Look at that painting of a woman fainting
Look at that print of a pie in the sky

Halls that echo – spacious, lavish, wide
Every oeuvre curated inside

I love to visit the museum
If there’s new works, let me see ’em
The Met and the Frick and the AGO
Wear some flat shoes and away we’ll go
Colosseum, mausoleum, you can keep ’em
My muse is amused by the museum

Old collections, introspections
Forced to face the world that was
Clear glass cases, databases
Peacefulest of spots because

Each exhibit has its own mystique
Is that sculpture Roman, French, or Greek?

I love to visit the museum
If there’s new works, let me see ’em
The Louvre, the Tate and the Guggenheim
There are way worse ways to spend some time
Colosseum, mausoleum, you can keep ’em
My muse is amused by the museum

I’d be remiss not to mention
The ideological tension:
You can’t claim to care about history
While stealing from other societies
Have you ever looked at your work through the prism
Of white patriarchal colonialism?
Now give back the gold or we riot
If you don’t believe me, then try it

I love to visit the museum
If there’s new works, let me see ’em
Some of these artists did not get paid
Did not get to access the fortunes they made
‘Cause you steal ’em, wheel and deal ’em
Now, return them
Or somebody may need to burn them

 

Songwriting diary:

I had been reading about this weekly songwriting game/challenge that Austin singer/songwriter Bob Schneider created, in which he sends out a song prompt via email to some musician friends each week and they all write something. I felt inspired by this and picked up the Oliver Sacks book I’m reading, in the hopes that I would come across a phrase that had an inherent musicality like Jeff Tweedy talks about in his book How to Write One Song. I literally hadn’t even read an entire page before I got to this linguistic gem, in a piece about his love for museums: “special treasures, secret pleasures, for the knowing, patient eye.”

I did go to the Met with my friend Steph a few months ago and did recently read a book on the Sackler family so I had some thoughts and feelings on museums to pull from. But mostly I just listened to words in my head, and dug through Thesaurus.com and Rhymezone.com to find the perfect words for each convoluted rhyme.

Initially I was only writing lyrics, assuming I might make them into something else down the line. I sat thoughtfully in my chair and crafted lyrics to a meter I was inventing but trying to stick to. I knew I wanted to at least acknowledge the shady practices (to say the least) of many museums, but didn’t decide in advance that the whole song would take a sharp left turn at the bridge.

Picked up my uke when the lyrics were done, just to see if anything would happen, and of course it did. I had smoked some weed beforehand which I think made my brain make more creative connections and focus more on puzzle-like wordplay, and also made the whole writing process feel playful and fun.

Song 7/52: “Subtweet”

Lyrics:

Nice clean hit of dopamine
My favorite neurotransmitter
It’s probably a bit of a problem
That all of my crushes are people I follow on Twitter

Craft that joke and send it out
Hoping to make you smile
I could be more direct, I guess
But I don’t think that’s really my style

Yes, this is a subtweet
If you know, you know
Who knows if we’ll ever even meet
Or if we’ll get ratio’ed

It’s hard not to stare at my phone
When everyone sexy is in it
It’s tough to tame the craving
It won’t leave me alone for a minute

Friendly reminder that I am available
I’m not a tease on the timeline
But my small talk is not sensational
You say “What’s up?” I say “I’m fine”

Yes, this is a subtweet
If you know, you know
I would slam that retweet
If you told me so

You’re in my DMs
But are we just friends?
Is it so unusual to swoon over your mutual?
Is the feeling mutual?
Or am I delusional?

Yes, this is a subtweet
If you know, you know
If you said we must meet
I could not say no

 

Songwriting diary:

I was idly thinking about my various Twitter crushes while trying to improvise the start of a song. Initially the lyrics contained way more Twitter jokes, but I felt like they’d get dated fast, so I cut most of them. “Friendly reminder…” is still in there, though, because it makes me laugh.

The song was originally in the keys of A♭ and F#, which are both wacky keys for the ukulele (all barre chords all the time!) so I was finding my hand would cramp up painfully by the bridge. Shifted it up one semitone so I could actually play it and it’s much better now.

The lyrics required multiple edits, large and small, after the initial writing session. (The first part of the second verse was originally totally different: “Wish I could call you in out of the cold/ Come over for Netflix & chill/ You laugh at my jokes and you make me feel bold/ In this essay I will…”) I am a more disciplined writer now than I used to be, so I no longer feel married to every song’s first set of lyrics and am more able to shift stuff around, cut things and make changes. But there is still a period of time after which the song feels “set” and it becomes much more difficult to change anything.

Song 8/52: “Can’t Stop”

Lyrics:

Wish I could focus on anything other than you
But baby, it’s clear that my brain won’t allow me to
Needless to mention, all my attention is split
The thoughts are invasive, and very persuasive, I admit

I can’t stop thinking about you
You cast a spell – now free me from it
I can’t stop thinking about you
I don’t know how, but I know I’ll overcome it

Meeting my deadlines, but barely – it’s happened all week
I feel like a failure, I feel like a certified freak
I turned off my phone and hid it inside of a drawer
But who could have known that it would just make me want more?

I can’t stop thinking about you
You cast a spell – now free me from it
I can’t stop thinking about you
I don’t know how, but I know I’ll overcome it
I can’t stop thinking about you
I don’t know why, but my mind won’t let you go
I can’t stop thinking about you
I can’t stop, I can’t stop

Every memory, every interaction
Has a reaction and fuels my attraction
I can’t take my eyes off your smirk
And I hope I don’t sound like a jerk
But I need to get back to my life and back to my work

I can’t stop thinking about you
You cast a spell – now free me from it
I can’t stop thinking about you
I don’t know how, but I know I’ll overcome it
I can’t stop thinking about you
I don’t know why, but my mind won’t let you go
I can’t stop thinking about you
It’s just too bad that I’ll never ever let you know

 

Songwriting diary:

One of the most satisfying parts of this challenge so far has been returning to my initial drafts of song lyrics, hours or days after writing them, to edit them, sometimes ruthlessly. I’ll cut or change anything that I just can’t make sound natural in my voice, or anything that catches my ear wrong every time I hear it in the demo, or anything that I’m at all morally or aesthetically uncertain about. I’ll stare into space (and at the Rhymezone and Thesaurus apps) until I come up with a better line. I’ll rebuild the mediocre parts around the parts I think are working, the parts that made me want to bother finishing the song.

This one reminds me of songs I used to “write” by singing into a tape recorder when I was a kid, in that I didn’t play any instruments yet so the style and feel of the songs I heard in my head were not constrained by the medium in which I performed them – so I would write songs that I “heard” internally as being punk, or orchestral, or expansively 1970s, or whatever. Similarly, this song I heard as a big, spaciously-produced, glimmering pop song, the likes of which someone like Carly Rae Jepsen might do.

Song 9/52: “Oh Robin”

Lyrics:

Oh Robin
How we miss your smile
It’s been a little while
How have you been? I wish I knew

Oh Robin
You always made us laugh
The world just isn’t half as fun these days
Not without you

I think of you a lot
Especially when I watch your movies
I think of what we lost
I think of all you made that moves me

Oh Robin
They say that you were sicker than we knew
Oh Robin
I know we never knew the real you

But we saw you from the crowd
Your legacy of love and laughter
I hope you’re in the clouds
Laughing in the great hereafter

Oh Robin
You had a spark of madness in your mind
Oh Robin
I hope you feel the love you left behind

We knew you as a star
A jester and a genie and a nanny
I don’t know where you are
But anyway, I really hope you’re happy

Oh Robin

 

Songwriting diary:

Had been messing around with this chord progression for a few days, and one day I just started randomly singing about Robin Williams over it. A bunch of different Robin-related things had happened that got me thinking about him (although, frankly, I think about him fairly often anyway). Matt and I watched Awakenings together, which I’ve seen many times but they hadn’t seen before; I’d been reading yet another Oliver Sacks books and wanted to revisit the movie they made from some of his case studies. Robin is absolutely wonderful in that movie. I also saw on Twitter, a day or two later, that there had been some hubbub when some guy posted a photo of Robin with a quote pasted over it that wasn’t something Robin had actually said, and his daughter Zelda jumped in to say that that wasn’t cool and that people have co-opted her dad’s likeness and message for their own purposes.

I wanted to write a song about Robin but didn’t want to do the very thing that Zelda was denouncing. So I focused on my own feelings about him. Initially the third verse contained an anecdote about the time my mom interviewed Robin for work while she was pregnant with me (“Oh Robin / Before I was born, you met my mum / You touched her pregnant belly / She asked you for advice; you gave her some“). I ended up returning to the lyrics the following day to edit them, and replaced that section with more general/hopefully relatable sentiments.

A lot of the writing process was improvisational and based on what I was hearing in my head, as per usual lately. The chord progression is a bit 1960s – it reminds me of some Sam Cooke and Beatles songs I learned back in the day – and has this circular/cyclical vibe that feels like a life cycle to me. I’ve noticed that when I write a song (or part of a song) that’s legitimately good, it’ll get stuck in my head intractably for hours or days; my brain keeps working on the puzzle of it, even when I’m not consciously focusing on it. Often I’ll have “solved” the part that was bugging me by the next day, seemingly through this subconscious processing.

The line about a “spark of madness” is a reference to my favorite quote of Robin’s: “You’ve got to be crazy; it’s too late to be sane… because you’re only given a little spark of madness, and if you lose that, you’re nothing.” I figured it made sense to quote him directly, both because Zelda said that’s what he would have wanted and because that’s just such a great fucking quote. I’ve always related to it, as someone who has struggled with mental illness but has nonetheless managed to routinely channel those struggles into creativity.

Sexual Technique vs. Sexual Attitude: What Matters More?

Kate Sloan
Truly did not know what photo to pair with this piece so here is an old one of me doing a cunnilingus face.

I spend a lot of time on the Sex forum on Reddit, so I read a lot of posts from frustrated virgins who are afraid that they’ll never get laid. One of their more pervasive fears is that it will be immediately obvious to their first partner that they are a virgin, because of their unpolished technique. They live in terror of being humiliated by a partner who judges them for their abilities or lack thereof.

I have been there myself. While struggling with a prohibitive fear of giving blowjobs at the age of 18, I sincerely worried I would never get into a healthy, happy relationship, because I was mostly attracted to cis men romantically but had no idea what to do with their junk, which I assumed would be a dealbreaker for almost all of them. I imagine this fear is even more pronounced for men with little experience, since our culture too often paints heterosexual sex as men’s responsibility to manage from start to finish, whereas it’s considered more acceptable for women to lie back and have things done to them. (I’m not saying that’s how it should be, but for many people, it’s how it is.) It’s no wonder that these men are so terrified of having poor sexual technique; they’ve been told that their skill level will be the main deciding factor for whether the sex they have is good or not, both for themselves and for their partner(s).

The advice I always give these guys is some version of the following: your attitude matters way more than your technique, and your attitude is what will actually allow you to develop good technique. What should your attitude be, going into a first-time sexual encounter (or, frankly, any sexual encounter)? I think it should be centered around the desire to listen to your partner, pay attention to their reactions, communicate, explore, experiment, and have fun. And you do not have to be some kind of sex god to do any of that. You just have to be attentive and enthusiastic, and you have to care. I already know that these guys are all of those things, because they care enough about sex and have enough enthusiasm about it to wonder how to get good at it, and they’re (usually) attentive to the answers they receive on their posts. The part that they’re missing is the “relax and have fun” part, but that gets easier with time.

Technique-wise, there is definitely a lot you can learn before you ever have sex with another person. You can read articles online about the clitoris, the G-spot, or whatever other parts you’re interested in pleasing. You can study anatomical diagrams like you’re memorizing a map before a road trip. You can read books on sexual technique, like She Comes First and Becoming Cliterate. You can check out instructional websites that focus on sexual technique, like OMGYes or https://www.thepleasurekeys.com. You can practice on your own body, because even if you have different anatomy from the people you’re predominantly attracted to, genitals are all analogous to one another and share plenty of commonalities.

It’s crucial to remember, though, that all the technique-based knowledge in the world is no substitute for asking your partner what they like. Few things frustrate me more than men who keep doing a thing I’ve repeatedly told them doesn’t feel good for me, because their ex-girlfriend liked it, or they read about it in a magazine or something. While it’s always possible that you could introduce someone to sensations they never knew their body could feel, generally your partner will be the world’s leading authority on what feels good for them and what gets them off. To ignore their feedback is to ignore the most useful sexual advice you’ll ever receive.

Given the choice between a partner with well-practiced sexual technique but a shitty attitude, or a partner with an excellently open-minded attitude but no technique to speak of, I would choose the partner with the good attitude almost every time. (I say “almost” because hey, we all make choices that aren’t in our best interest sometimes!) If someone is communicative, kind, generous, attentive, and enthusiastic, you can pretty much teach them whatever sexual skills you want them to learn. It may take practice before they get the hang of it – it usually does – but once they figure it out, they will be leaps and bounds ahead of that douchebag who claims to be a killer cunnilinguist but actually just keeps doing that tongue-flicky thing you told them you hate.

So if you’re reading this and feeling inadequate because you lack sexual experience, just know that your attitude will take you farther than anything else. I’d much rather the face between my legs be looking up at me with cheerful curiosity than with smug certainty. That way, we can discover new pleasures together.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: BigShocked 8-Inch Silicone Wolf Dog Dildo

Kate Sloan

Content note: As this dildo is inspired by dog/wolf penises, there will be some discussion in this post of canine mating habits. No bestiality, just dog-on-dog stuff. I know. I’m sorry. Let’s get through it together.

So-called “fantasy dildos” have never interested me that much, although I do find other people’s interest in them to be, in itself, interesting.

Almost all of my fantasies are about humans, rather than being about animals, mythical creatures, supernatural beings, extraterrestrials, or anything else. And to be clear, I’m not saying that in a judgey way. I think fantasy is just fantasy, and that doing bestiality is unethical but you can fantasize about whatever you want. I also think it’s cool as hell that the human sexual psyche is so wide-ranging and inventive. This is just not a side of it that holds much appeal for me personally.

But then the folks at Bigshocked offered to send me a dildo to review, and I was amazed by their wide selection of alien dildos, monster dildos, horse dildos, and dog dildos, just to name a few. I figured, when am I going to get another chance to review something so odd and out-there? (Well, probably pretty soon, if my career history is any indication, but hey, it’s a figure of speech.) After much deliberation, I asked for the 8-inch silicone wolf/dog dildo in a luminescent shade of green.

 

Sent this photo to my partner to show them what I was working on today. Dating me is an adventure.

What makes this dildo doglike and why the hell did I choose it?

While working on this review, I did some research on canine mating habits. I had to, because almost all my knowledge on this topic comes from a source I wouldn’t necessarily trust for scientific accuracy: erotic fanfiction.

See, there’s a fanfic genre known as “omegaverse” which incorporates elements of dog reproduction alongside tropey misconceptions about how wolf societies work. (The concept of wolf packs containing “alpha males,” “beta males,” etc. has been debunked, as it was based on observations of wolves in captivity, not out in the wild where they would normally be.)

In omegaverse fanfic – or at least, in the stories I’ve read from that genre – typically there’s an “alpha” character and an “omega” character. Every so often, the omega goes into heat, at which time they become sexually irresistible to alphas and also become irrepressibly horny for alpha dick. When an alpha fucks an omega, the alpha’s cock goes through a process called “knotting,” whereby a portion of the penis near the base (the “knot”) swells outward, effectively locking the alpha and omega together because the alpha cannot physically remove their dick from the omega while the knot is swollen.

I looked into it and a lot of this is accurate to how dogs mate. Most notably, knotting is a real thing that happens to dogs – but it’s definitely not as sexy/sensual/romantic as omegaverse fic makes it sound. For instance, the male dog usually turns around mid-bang so that he’s standing butt-to-butt with his mate, dick bending back between his legs. (Ever tried to do this as a human fucking a human? Sounds painful.) Peep this paragraph from an informative webpage I unfortunately read in its entirety while researching this review:

Dogs new to mating may experience a bit of anxiety at being locked together, but it’s a natural process. Help your dog to remain calm and stand still until the two can safely separate. This will occur on its own once the male dog’s arousal subsides.

Anyway, not to prattle on too long about dog sex (oops, I definitely already have), but I mainly was drawn to this dildo because I’ve enjoyed omegaverse fic before and find it hot to imagine someone being so turned on by my pussy that their dick literally gets too hard for them to physically remove it. I mean, come on.

 

Stuff I like about this dildo

  • I think people who are into those canine/omegaverse-type fantasies will be satisfied by the shape of this,  both visually and tactilely. I didn’t subject myself to a Google image search of dog dicks (sorry, I can only be as intrepid a sex toy reviewer as my anxious mind and sensitive stomach will allow), but I think this one looks pretty legit and ticks all the right boxes, so to speak.
  • On that note, it’s one of the less expensive fantasy dildos I’ve seen, so if you’re thirsty for alpha dick but gotta stick to a budget, I think this is a perfectly serviceable choice.
  • Even setting aside the animal aspect of this toy, I find the shape pleasurable and interesting. It’s rare to find a dildo with a tapered tip and a thick knot-like swell in the middle, so it really doesn’t feel like many other dildos I have tried. Its pointed tip hits my A-spot easily, but gently, when inserted all the way. The knotted section doesn’t do much for my G-spot because it protrudes moreso sideways than up-and-down, but it massages my vaginal walls in unusual ways and creates sensations I’ve rarely felt before.
  • For me, the size is reasonable and enjoyable. The shaft ranges in diameter from 1.37″ to 1.77″, and the insertable length is 6.93″, so I can get most of it inside me when I’m fully aroused. It never feels uncomfortable size-wise, only texture-wise (more on that later).
  • The teardrop-shaped base is excellent. I prefer when dildo bases offer some way to tell how the dildo is oriented when it’s inside you, because otherwise mine end up rotating around without me noticing, and then suddenly I’m using a G-spot dildo sideways and wondering why it feels like I’m getting a pap smear from an angry and overcaffeinated doctor. The base of this dildo makes it immediately clear to me which way it’s facing, so I don’t have to worry about that.
  • The base is also flared enough that you could use this toy anally and/or in a strap-on. Hot.

 

Stuff I don’t like about this dildo

  • In terms of quality, this dildo is definitely lacking. This toy only costs $36.50 and you are getting what you pay for. The swirls of color in it are artless and kind of ugly (IMO), and it just doesn’t feel as thoughtfully designed or carefully made as pricier dildos I’ve owned from Tantus, Uberrime, and so on. That said, I did administer a flame test to this Bigshocked dildo and the results seemed to indicate it is indeed made of pure silicone, as it claims to be.
  • I kind of wish the knot was firmer! Hell, maybe I just wish the whole dildo was firmer (its silicone is “Medium Super Soft Shore 10A”). This is very much a matter of personal taste, but one of the reasons I was excited about the knot was that I figured it would make orgasmic contractions feel more intense – but actually, it’s squishy enough that it didn’t make much of a difference sensation-wise. The orgasms are still good (I mean, they’re orgasms!), but I feel I would come harder with a firmer toy.
  • For me, the ribbed texture on the shaft is a bit much. I’m talking mostly about the part of the shaft between the head and the knot. There are times when it feels amazing against my vaginal walls, but also times when it feels scrapey and overstimulating. I would definitely recommend using a thick water-based lube liberally with this toy.
  • The silicone is very glossy, which means it’s also very prone to collecting lint and hairs, and amassing static electricity. This is annoying but not a huge deal.
  • Assuming you’re using this dildo vaginally, you kind of have to be fully aroused to get the full experience of it, because of how long it is and how far down the shaft the knot is located. If you’re unable to insert a dildo more than 4″ into you, you won’t comfortably reach the knot, so I would recommend doing a fair bit of warm-up before using this toy to make sure your vaginal canal has lengthened enough to accommodate it.

 

Final thoughts

If you love the thought of getting fucked by a doglike dick – and hey, I’m not judging – I think the Bigshocked silicone wolf/dog dildo will have you howling with delight.

It’s not the fanciest toy in the world, and not one that especially appeals to my own sexual sensibilities, but I’m glad I own one now, so that it’ll be around any time I’m craving a… bone.

 

This post was sponsored. That means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: We-Vibe Melt

Kate Sloan

I’ve been hearing about the We-Vibe Melt for years, and recently finally got to try one, thanks to my pals at Honeysx. Read on for my thoughts!

 

What is the We-Vibe Melt?

The We-Vibe Melt is a pressure-wave clitoral stimulator, meaning that it encloses the clitoris in its little mouth and uses pulses of air to “touchlessly” stimulate the clitoral head and shaft. Some people report that pressure waves feel like oral sex; for me, they certainly feel more similar to oral than vibration does, but overall the sensation is more like rhythmic tapping, or like getting head from a robot.

As with most We-Vibe products, this one is specifically designed to be useable during penetrative partnered sex. It has a slim profile and an ergonomic shape that allows it to slip between bodies fairly easily, even in (a slightly adjusted version of) missionary position. This is a big benefit of this toy for me, because my all-time favorite pressure-wave stimulator, the Lelo Sila, is way too bulky and awkward to use in this way.

Also as with most We-Vibe products, this one is rechargeable, waterproof, can be controlled via a smartphone app or its built-in buttons, and has a 2-year warranty. Score.

 

How does it feel?

I am always pretty skeptical about trying new pressure-wave toys, because I have to put them on the most sensitive part of my entire body without first knowing if they’re going to be massively overstimulating, which they often are. In general I would recommend getting yourself turned on before using a toy like this, for the same reason that it can be nice for a partner to kiss your thighs, lick around your genitals, etc. before going for the gold.

Warm-up is especially recommended because this toy is quite a bit rumblier/”thumpier” than most other toys of its type. This is great news overall but can make the toy feel somewhat jarring if you try to use it before you’re turned on. That said, because of its deep rumbliness, I find that this toy works better than most for teasing myself through my clitoral hood or inner labia. By holding the toy’s “mouth” against either of those areas, I can still feel the rhythmic thumping being transmitted to my clit, but it’s not as direct and intense as it would be if I put it directly on the tip of my clit.

Another thing that sets this toy apart from others is its oval-shaped mouth. Of course, all clits are different, but some people might find that this oval shape helps them get a better seal around their clit, allowing for better, stronger stimulation. It’s got a little flexibility to it, so you could even manually pinch it closed with the hand that’s not holding the toy, if you wanted firmer pressure and a tighter seal, though that’s not necessary.

The first day that I tested this toy, I got off with it 3 times over the course of the day, which is highly unusual for me. A lot of people say they’re more able to have multiple orgasms with pressure-wave toys because the stimulation is gentle/indirect enough that it doesn’t leave them feeling oversensitized after climax. I can see how this would be an advantage for some people, but for myself personally, I find that orgasms from pressure-wave toys don’t tend to be as satisfying as other types of orgasms, which is why I end up going for multiples a lot of the time. I just don’t get off as hard with these as I do when there’s a great vibrator or oscillator pressed against my clitoral hood. Adding penetration helps, but still, I would never grab this type of toy if I wanted a world-destroying, “what the fuck just happened?!” kind of orgasm. For me, these toys are more suitable for mid-day wank breaks, when I want to release some tension and some endorphins without necessarily derailing my whole day.

That said, just because the orgasms aren’t terribly satisfying doesn’t mean the toy isn’t pleasurable. It definitely is. This is one of the more pleasurable pressure-wave toys I’ve tried – certainly in my top 3 – because of how rumbly it is. It stimulates the entire visible portion of the clitoris and some of the non-visible portion as well. Paired with porn, erotica, or fantasies, it can take me from zero to orgasm in a matter of minutes. And while the orgasms aren’t satisfying, they are still enjoyable and often intense, particularly when I incorporate penetration.

 

Mouth size comparison: Lelo Sila (purple), We-Vibe Melt (coral), and Satisfyer Curvy 2+ (pale peach)

Useability & things to keep in mind

As the Dildoodler points out in their excellent Melt review, there just isn’t nearly as much info out there about clitoral size as there is about penis size. (I just looked it up, and the search terms “clit size,” “clitoral size” and “clitoris size” bring up a collective 462,000 results; meanwhile, “penis size” and “dick size” bring up a total of 15 MILLION results. That’s roughly a 32-to-1 ratio in terms of the amount of information that’s out there.) As a result of this info gap, a lot of people with clits would have no idea how to rank their own clit size in relation to the average. Hell, it’s hard to even measure a clit, especially since there’s so little education out there about the clitoral shaft and the fact that the clitoris swells with arousal like the penis does.

All this to say, it can be difficult to choose a pressure wave toy that will fit your clit the way you want it to, both because most of us don’t know our clit size off the top of our head and because most sex toy companies are not advertising their clitoral toys on the basis of what sizes they will fit. So let’s envision a scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is the smallest “mouth” I’ve ever seen on this type of toy, and 10 is the large mouth of the Lelo Sila, which can fit my ring finger and pinky finger simultaneously up to the first knuckle. On that scale, I’d put the We-Vibe Melt at a 6 or so. Its oval shape and the softly rounded edges of its mouth make it feel more accommodating than tiny toys that focus only on the very very tip of my clit (which I hate), but it’s definitely not big enough to surround my entire fully-aroused clitoral shaft like the Sila is. For this reason, I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone who knows they have a large clit (which I imagine would include most folks who’ve been on testosterone long enough to experience bottom growth). The Sila or Satisfyer Curvy 2+ are still my top recommendations for larger clits.

The Melt is quiet compared to almost all the other pressure-wave toys I’ve tried. I didn’t worry about my roommate or neighbors hearing me when I used it at 2 a.m. one night, for example. It’s not silent – none of these toys really are, because of their suction-inspired mechanism – but if you put on some music or white noise in the background, or use it in the bath with the water running, no one should be able to hear you in other rooms.

The buttons are placed exactly where I would want them to be for this type of toy; they’re located where my fingers naturally end up when I hold the toy in the comfiest way for my hand. They click and light up when pressed, so you always know when you’ve hit a button successfully – and they’re marked with raised “plus” and “minus” signs so you can find them quickly in the dark and likely won’t press them by accident.

The Melt is currently available in two colors, an orangey-pinky-coral shade (pictured) and a deep, sexy midnight blue. I appreciate these because neither shade feels especially gendered to me. I have heard many transmasculine folks mention that they like using pressure-wave toys as blowjob simulators, so it’s nice when companies offer colorways that don’t scream femininity. I also, in researching this review, stumbled across at least one trans woman who mentioned she enjoyed this toy; not quite sure what her preferred technique was but I think this toy could potentially feel nice against the frenulum of the penis.

Oh yeah, there’s an app

The We-Vibe app can be used to wirelessly control most We-Vibe toys, including this one. It gives you more detailed control over the toy’s intensity at any given moment, and allows you to create your own pressure-wave patterns to try out. It also lets your long-distance sweetie take over control of the toy from afar if they are so inclined.

The reason I’m mentioning this only as an afterthought is that We-Vibe toys’ connectivity still isn’t where I’d like it to be. Compared to other Bluetooth-focused companies like Lovense and Satisfyer, We-Vibe still struggles to make toys that 1) connect easily to their app, 2) stay connected for the entire duration of the session, and 3) respond to changes made in the app within a reasonable timeframe. For this reason, I almost never use We-Vibe’s Bluetooth functionality anymore when I use their toys; it usually ends up being more annoying than pleasurable.

 

Final thoughts

Having tried as many pressure-wave toys as I have, I can almost always perceive big differences between cheap ones and premium ones. High-quality stimulators tend to feel pleasurable right off the bat (if I’m turned on), instead of requiring that I acclimatize myself to intense surface-level tapping on the very tip of my clit. They tend to feel nicer in my hand and on my bits. They tend to be quieter, sleeker, and more durable. The We-Vibe Melt performs like a high-end pressure-wave toy, because, at $122, it is.

If you’re curious about this type of toy and have that kind of cash to burn, I think you’d likely be very happy with the Melt, provided that it fits your clit (and it should fit most of them). But if $122 is a bit of a stretch for you, I’d suggest trying a less expensive pressure-wave toy first to see whether you even like the sensation, and then upgrading when and if you want to and are able to.

If, on the other hand, you already know you like pressure-wave sensations and you want to upgrade to a high-quality product, I think the We-Vibe Melt is a wonderful contender for people whose clits are medium-sized or smaller. And if you know you want oral-like sensations on your clit while a partner is fucking you with their dick or strap-on, this is probably the best one you’re gonna find for that purpose.

I’ve loved We-Vibe for many years, and once again, they have exceeded my expectations.

 

Thanks to Honeysx for sending me this product to review! This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write an honest and fair review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: SnailVibe

Kate Sloan

I was recently tasked with writing an article about the best rabbit vibrators on the market. As per my usual process for such articles, I dug deep into the annals of my own memory to find this information, as well as interviewing several experts in the field: sex toy reviewers, sex educators, and so on.

I did six interviews for this piece, and when asked what rabbit vibes they would recommend, almost every interviewee said some version of the same thing: “I know the We-Vibe Nova 2 is good. Can’t really think of too many others.” This was, unfortunately, the exact same opinion I myself had held before I began the research process for the piece.

My wonderful interviewees were able to give me useful recommendations, and I do think that that article covers the cream of the crop when it comes to rabbit vibes, a notoriously difficult category of toy to execute well. But it really is true: the We-Vibe Nova 2 is one of the best rabbit vibrators released in the last 5 years, if not more, for one major reason. It maintains firm contact with your clit even when you thrust with it.

There are other reasons too – it has a great motor, many settings, a travel-lock function, is rechargeable, is made by a reputable company, etc. But I think the main thing the Nova got right was its approach to clit contact, and the new-ish SnailVibe is astounding for exactly the same reason.

 

What is the SnailVibe & how do you use it?

The SnailVibe is a dual-stimulation vibrator, i.e. a vibrator that offers vaginal penetration and simultaneous clitoral stimulation. (One could also, theoretically, use it for anal penetration, with the external portion stimulating the perineum.)

What sets the SnailVibe apart from all other dual-stim vibes is its spiral-shaped external portion, which is designed to roll/furl and unfurl every time you thrust the internal portion in and out. The spiral offers enough resistance that it remains firmly in contact with the clit (or at least, my clit) for the entire thrust.

I cannot overstate how important clitoral pleasure is to many vulva-havers’ sexual response, and to my own. The clitoris is the anatomical pleasure equivalent of the penis, so for many of us, it is absolutely central, potentially much moreso than penetration. It always baffled me that so many toy companies seemed to put all their resources and inventiveness into bells and whistles on the penetrative parts of rabbit vibes – rotating beads, come-hither stroking, and so on – while assuming a pair of flimsy rabbit ears would be enough in the clitoral stimulation department. The SnailVibe seems, comparatively, much more focused on clit pleasure, and I appreciate it.

 

via GIPHY

How does it feel?

The SnailVibe has two motors and both of them are excellent. I don’t even have that much to say about them because they’re just… satisfyingly good, at the level one would hope and expect from a vibrator at this price point ($150 USD or about $200 CAD). I will say, there are some surprisingly huge jumps between vibration speeds, which are sometimes jarring, but mostly it doesn’t bother me that much.

The toy is designed such that the clitoral portion not only remains in contact with the clit during each thrust, but maintains pretty firm pressure on it. So if you’re not a fan of clitoral pressure, this might not be the toy for you – maybe the fluttery ears on standard rabbit vibes are more your speed.

Another sex toy reviewer, Felicity of Phallophile Reviews, disliked the SnailVibe intensely because its penetrative shaft is long, straight, and rigid. This is one of the key qualities that could make a user either love or hate this toy. If you want intense G-spot stimulation, it’s true that this is not the right toy for the job. But if you tend to enjoy thrusting for how it stimulates your vaginal walls more generally, and/or if you like deep, firm penetration that strokes your anterior fornix or posterior fornix, I think you’re likelier to appreciate this toy.

The shaft is also pretty long – 8 inches insertable – which could be off-putting for some folks, but I don’t think it has to be. You don’t have to use the full length of a sex toy in order to use it at all, and this vibe is designed such that you’ll get clitoral contact if you insert the vibe as shallowly as 2 inches inside you.

The buttons that control this toy are intuitively-placed, IMO, and thus great for finding and using in the heat of the moment. You can control the internal and external motor separately, and set each to any of several steady vibration modes and patterns at any time.

 

Drawbacks & things to keep in mind

YOU HAVE TO PUT LUBE ON THE EXTERNAL PART. If you found this review while idly googling the sex toy you just bought, I hope this is the main thing you take away from this review. PUT LUBE ON THE EXTERNAL PART.

The external part doesn’t just sit there statically; it spins/rotates against your clit, so if it’s unlubed, it’ll just scrape over the area uncomfortably. This toy literally feels completely different when the external part is lubed. It’s non-negotiable as far as I’m concerned. (Don’t forget to add some additional moisture to reactivate your lube every so often if you’re using a water-based one.)

I find that thrusting with this toy is the only way I can get myself off with it. Its straight shaft and firm clit stimulator don’t quite do enough to get me there without additional motion. If you want a rabbit vibe you can use without needing to move it or hold it, I’d suggest a rabbit that thrusts or strokes the G-spot.

 

Final thoughts

I’m not generally a huge fan of dual-stimulation toys, but I have to say that the SnailVibe is in the top 3 I’ve ever tried in terms of sensation (the others being, I think, the We-Vibe Nova 2 and the CalEx silicone jack rabbit). It’s rumbly as hell, feels lovely when thrusted, and gets me off easily every time. It’s also entirely unique and hella cute-looking.

It won’t work for everyone – you gotta like (or be okay with) firm clitoral pressure, thrusting, and rigid penetration that targets spots deeper than the G-spot – but there is no vibrator that would work for everyone, and that’s like 10 times as true when it comes to rabbit vibes. I’m glad to have found another one that works for me, even though it looks like a damn snail.

 

Thanks to the folks at Lovers for sending me the SnailVibe to review!