How to Discover Your New Favorite Sexy Roleplay

Kate Sloan
Photo from my Wednesday Addams photoshoot with Cadence Lee back in 2017

Ah, roleplay. For something that is literally just grown-up playtime, it sure can cause a lot of stress and confusion. Many people wonder (sometimes in my inbox) how to get started with roleplay, what their favorite roleplays mean about them, and what scenarios they should explore through roleplay.

That last question is what I’m focusing on today. Once you know you want to try “sexy improv” (as I affectionately refer to roleplay), how do you know who you want to roleplay as?! Here are some suggestions to help you brainstorm…

 

1. Examine the media that turns you on.

Do you reliably feel a little randy when you watch Gerri and Roman verbally spar in the humiliation scenes of Succession? Does your erotic imagination continually wander back to the hypnokink antics in The Jungle Book? Do you fantasize about being wanted as fervently as Joe wants his stalking victims in You? (Am I just listing my own kinks here? Who can say…)

Media is often one of the first places we encounter dynamics we’d later like to embody and act out ourselves. It’s worth paying attention to which characters, relationships, situations, and power dynamics get your motor running, so you can translate their hottest elements into a sexy scene with a partner someday.

 

2. Ponder the words you love to call people, or to be called.

If you’ve noticed your knees get weak when you call a partner “boss,” or when an authority figure calls you “young lady,” for example, that’s useful information.

If you like, try making a list of all the titles and honorifics you can think of – sir, madam, doctor, your honor, your majesty, captain, and so on. Go through the list and take a moment to imagine what it would be like to call an attractive person each title on the list, or how it would feel if an attractive person were to call you these names. Circle the ones that make your heart beat faster and file that info away for future roleplays!

 

3. Take a quiz.

The Cheztoon ‘How Kinky Are You?’ quiz, for example, can help you narrow down the kinky archetypes you’re most drawn to. Take it with a partner, share your results with one another, and discuss!

I could also see it being useful to take a silly online quiz that tells you which character from your favorite media property you’re most similar to. For instance, I just took a “What Mean Girls character are you?” quiz on Buzzfeed and it told me that I’m Janis Ian. Extremely into the idea of a Janis-and-Regina-inspired roleplay!

 

4. Ask yourself how you want to feel.

Different people are drawn to kinky roleplay for different reasons, and it’s useful to figure out your own motivations when devising new roleplay scenarios. Do you want to feel submissive? Dominant? Innocent? Powerful? Slutty? Evil? Ravaged? Indulged? Punished? Adored?

Write down all the emotions you like to feel, whether in kink or just in life, and use that list to extrapolate some roleplay situations you might enjoy.

 

5. Consider costuming.

While costumes are absolutely not a requirement for roleplay, they can make scenes feel more authentic and grounded in reality. But also, you can consider which clothing items make you feel sexiest, and devise a roleplay based on those choices.

For example, I’ve always felt super cute in short pleated skirts and kneesocks, so a schoolgirl/teacher roleplay is a natural fit for me. I’ve had partners who felt most “themselves” in an elegant suit, suggesting they might enjoy playing a powerful entrepreneur in a boss/secretary roleplay or somesuch. If a black latex catsuit sounds like the hottest possible thing you could wear, maybe you’re jonesing for a Catwoman/Batman roleplay. You get the idea!

 

What methods have you used to brainstorm future roleplay scenes?

 

This post was sponsored by Cheztoon Take the Kink Quiz. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

The Best Sex Gifts to Buy This Black Friday

Kate Sloan

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably scrambling to find holiday gifts for your loved ones right about now. “How is it the end of November already?!” you’re screeching. “I’m not ready!!”

Well, good news: I’ve assembled some of my favorite gift-worthy sex products into one post, so you can make informed decisions and support rad sex shops while also getting great gifts for people you adore. It’s a win-win-win!

 

For cunnilingus aficionados

I’m talking here about people who love receiving cunnilingus… People who love giving cunnilingus might want a sex doll instead! (I’m only half-joking…)

“Pressure-wave” toys use rhythmic bursts of air to create “touchless” stimulation of the clitoris that can feel quite a bit like oral sex for some people. For Cyber Week, my pals at Peepshow Toys are offering two of the most popular pressure-wave toys at uncommonly low prices. The Satisfyer Curvy 3+ is an elegant and discreet toy that normally goes for $60 but is on sale currently for just $29 (no code needed); it’s remotely controllable via Satisfyer’s smartphone app, and also optionally combines vibration with its pressure waves.

If you want something similar but without all the bells and whistles, the Satisfyer Pro 2 is a classic. It’s waterproof, too, making it an ideal bathtime companion. You can grab it for just $30 this week (no code needed).

 

For adventurous fans of penile pleasure

Vibrators for penises were super uncommon just a few years ago, but the industry is finally starting to provide supply for that particular demand. The Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo is consistently one of the best-reviewed dick vibes on the market. This week, you can grab it at Peepshow for just $120 (no code needed), and they’ll even throw in a bottle of lube.

My other favorite penis vibe, the Fun Factory Manta, is on sale this week too. It’s a flexible silicone vibrator that combines well with handjobs and blowjobs or can be used on its own for focused frenulum pleasure. Normally $140, you can use the coupon code “BEACH” to get 20% off your order, bringing the price down to just $112.

 

For strap-on enthusiasts

My all-time favorite harness for strap-on play, the Aslan Leather Jaguar, is delightfully discounted right now! I love its classically kinky aesthetic, and the amount of control you get with it when the straps are properly tightened and adjusted. Use the code “BEACH” to get 10% off this handmade stunner, bringing its price down to just $86 (a pretty unheard-of price for this particular harness).

The Vixen Creations Mustang is a comfortably squishy realistic dildo that I’d heartily recommend to any strap-on beginner, so long as its size works for their partner(s). It’s usually $106, but right now you can use the code “BEACH” to grab it for only $90. Score!

 

For A-spot explorers

Fans of deep penetration ought to appreciate the lengthy (not to mention beautiful) Uberrime Night King. It’s one of my favorite dildos for hitting one of my favorite spots, and right now it’s going for just $102 with the code “BEACH.”

I’d also be remiss not to mention the formidable Njoy Eleven, which hits my A-spot so well and so hard that orgasms with it frequently make me cry. If you’ve been holding out for a good deal on one, this might be the time: it normally costs a cool $400 but right now you can use the code “BEACH” to get it for $300 instead.

 

For people who love having their balls played with

As you might recall, I’m a big fan of the Balldo, an innovative product that basically turns your balls into a dildo, with which you can fuck your partner. (Read my review here.) If you choose to buy this for someone, it’s nearly guaranteed they won’t have heard of it, and you might just blow their mind – especially if they end up having a “ballgasm”! Give it to someone who adores ball stimulation and/or someone who always likes to try whatever weird new thing everyone is talking about!

For someone who’s curious about the potential pleasures of vibration on their balls – or the surrounding area, including the perineum – I’d recommend the Dame Pom. It has a powerful motor and a comfortable shape for nestling into the palm of your hand and cupping against those sensitive bits during masturbation, a blowjob, a handjob, or even PIV (if your arms are flexible enough!).

 

For kinky fuckers

One of the easiest ways to start incorporating bondage into your sex life is to get yourself a Sportsheets Under-the-Bed Restraints set. All you have to do is slide its straps under your mattress, attach the included wrist and ankle cuffs, and you’re good to go! This version of the set also comes with a blindfold for added excitement. You can get the whole shebang for just $68 with the code “BEACH.”

Sadomasochists may want to pick up a Kinklab Neon Wand electrosex kit this holiday season. Electrostimulation is a truly unique type of pain, and this kit comes with several different attachments so you can try out a variety of sensations. Normally $146, you can get the whole set for $117 with the code “BEACH.”

If someone in your life is kink-curious but not sure where to start, you could give them a copy of my book, 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do! It’s a fantastic jumping-off point for people whose sexual tastes veer onto the road less traveled.

Do Dildos Feel Better Than Dicks?

Kate Sloan

There are many annoying questions I face on a regular basis as a result of being a sex toy reviewer. One of them is, “So you just get paid to masturbate all day?” (Hahahaha, no.) Another is, “And your spouse is okay with that?!” (Um, yes; it’s part of why they married me!) But that second question is usually just a precursor to a third, even more irritating question: “So what’s better – a dildo or a human dick?”

Trust me when I say that this is like asking if a cold bottled Coke is more delicious than a hand-mixed cocktail, or like asking if I’d rather watch a movie cozied up at home with loved ones or tilted back in my chair at an IMAX theatre, or like asking if I’d prefer to see Shakespeare in the park featuring local actors or Shakespeare performed in a high-budget movie starring Anthony Hopkins. Which is to say… there is (for me at least) no clear, definitive answer, because comparing the two in the first place is an erroneous thing to do. They are simply not comparable. Each exists to address a particular mood, or need, or whim. I wouldn’t say it’s a choice between “apples and oranges,” exactly; it’s more like the choice between a fresh juicy apple pulled straight off the tree or a simmered and spiced apple crumble prepared by a skilled chef. It really just depends on what you’re craving.

Dildos can hit some spots dicks can hit, and some spots they cannot. Dicks are warm by default, unless you’re dating a vampire; sex toys are not, though you can pre-warm them if you want to. Humans can cuddle you, talk dirty to you, make you feel loved and appreciated; dildos simply can’t. You wouldn’t ask a human being to punch a nail into a plank with their bare fist; you’d use a hammer. Likewise, you wouldn’t use a hammer to play the piano (I fucking hope); you’d ask a human, one with graceful fingers and a musical mind, to play instead. Hammers and humans do not have the same skillset, and neither do dildos and dicks. It’s a fool’s errand to expect one to be able to do all the things the other is capable of.

I’ll say, too, that this question – “Are dildos better than dicks?” – is posed almost exclusively by people who apparently haven’t realized you can combine sex toys with human penises. Sex toys are still too often framed in mainstream sexual discourse as something a person (typically a cisgender, heterosexual woman) uses alone, often as a direct result of finding human sexual partners unsatisfactory or unattainable.

But this just has not been my experience of sexuality at any point in my life, whether I’ve been fucking men, women, nonbinary people, or some combination thereof. I’m deeply turned off by people who find sex toys threatening or distasteful, so the people I end up sexually entangled with are usually quite enthusiastic about incorporating toys into our play, particularly since I have so many of them. I would say sex toys are a part of literally about 98-99% of the sex I have these days – and rather than ever being a replacement for a partner, they tend to supplement and complement a partner’s skills, making touch more pleasurable and orgasm more attainable.

In every case, my partner is still present and engaged in what we’re doing together, so it would be inaccurate to say that the toy gave me an orgasm when in fact it was the toy in my partner’s hand that did so – or the toy in my own hand while my partner provided the psychological context that enabled me to get off. In many cases it doesn’t even matter if the toy is automated, as with vibrators with pulsing patterns, pressure-wave toys that suck my clit in rhythmic waves, or thrusting dildos like these ones; it was still my partner’s presence that made the sensations hot in a different way than they are when I’m alone, and so it was inherently a partnered experience even if my partner played a role closer to narrator or observer than direct participant.

My inboxes and DMs will probably always abound with messages from people who envy their partner’s toy(s), and people who resent their partner’s toy envy. While it’s tempting for me to tell the latter type of person to “dump the motherfucker already” because toxic views of sex toys are a red flag in my mind, I know that not everyone feels that way, and some people are willing to put in the work to help a partner become comfortable with toy usage. For those people, my advice would be:

  1. Emphasize what your partner brings to the table. Make it clear to them that they are providing value that goes above and beyond (or is simply different than) what a toy can offer.
  2. Emphasize, too, your own pleasure and how much you desire it. Presumably one of the things your partner finds hot about fucking you is seeing/hearing/feeling you experience pleasure, and toys can amp that up. (If they’re not that interested in your pleasure, well, maybe they’re not a good person for you to be sleeping with.)
  3. Maybe don’t skip straight to huge, hyper-realistic dildos if your partner is sensitive about their dick size or prowess. Small toys might be easier for those folks to handle initially. (But also, your preferences matter here too, so if you’re all about huge dildos, don’t let a partner shame you out of that perfectly valid desire.)

My hope is that toys will someday be so utterly un-taboo that they will easily become part of the sex lives of anyone who wants to use them. We’re not quite there yet, not only for the reasons outlined in this post but also for cost reasons, health and safety reasons, geographic access reasons, and more – but I’m holding out hope for shame-free, pleasurable, technologically-enhanced sexuality for all who desire it.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

4 Unique Sex Toys I’m Extremely Curious About

Kate Sloan

CalExotics Impulse Intimate E-Stimulator Remote Dual Kegel Exerciser

I’ve been curious about the pleasure possibilities of genital electrostimulation ever since the Jopen Intensity E-stim vibrator was introduced in 2012 or so. It was a rabbit vibe that purported to rhythmically zap your Kegel muscles so as to trigger muscle contractions, which would be, in theory, pleasurable. I’ve also heard many stories and rumors over the years about electrostim’s supposed ability to trigger actual orgasms, in much the same way as “ram ejaculators” are used to collect precious semen from prized livestock. I’ve heard that this method, known as “electroejaculation,” can be used to help paraplegic or quadriplegic men ejaculate so they can have biological children, for instance, which is fascinating.

This Kegel toy isn’t doing anything that sophisticated, but it works on a similar principle. Apparently it sends out electric pulses to your pelvic muscles, making them contract and relax rhythmically and thereby promoting increased muscle tone, which can lead to stronger, longer orgasms. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be brave enough to apply electricity to my genitals, no matter how mild it may be – but this toy certainly makes it seem easy, not to mention tempting.

 

Fantasy For Her Ultimate Pleasure

I’ve tried several times, in vain, to get sex toy shops to send me this toy to review – but they’ve always chosen to send me other toys from my list instead. I think the reason is that this one is pretty expensive ($159.99) and unconventional, so it’s a risky choice to send to a reviewer. But I’m just so curious about it!

It seems like every sex toy store on the internet now sells oral sex simulators. I’ve tried many, and they achieve their goal to varying degrees of success. But this one is unique in its mechanism: it pairs a motorized “tongue” with both suction and vibration. I think – but do not know for sure – that this toy would actually feel somewhat like the kind of oral sex I tend to prefer, unlike pressure-wave toys like the Womanizer and Satisfyer, which create suction in a less direct way than this toy does.

Would it be fantastic? Would it be disappointing? I have no idea, but I’d like to find out.

 

CalExotics “Nipplettes” vibrating nipple clamps

I had to write about these for a copywriting client of mine and couldn’t stop giggling over them being called “nipplettes.” How delightfully absurd.

Despite having worked at two different adult shops that carried them, I have never actually tried vibrating nipple clamps. The clamps themselves are typically enough for me – I am a masochist, after all. But I also know that I’ve occasionally enjoyed holding a small vibrator against my nipples while warming myself up for a masturbation sesh, so I wonder if these vibrating clamps would take that relatively mild pleasure to the next level.

I imagine they’d at least be a good solution for people who love nipple stim but don’t want to have to constantly provide it for themselves during sex. Sometimes you want to do other stuff with your hands, y’know?

 

Pipedream Extreme Fuck My Cock

Okay, this one is a bit silly. And yet somehow also fascinating.

There’s a whole range of “adult novelties” marketed at cis men that are based on fantastical premises. I mean “fantastical” in the sense of “having to do with one’s fantasies.” Almost no one probably wants to actually fuck a tiny disembodied human butt attached to a big disembodied human dick, but I can see how a lot of people might want to fuck something that feels good and looks like a butt, while simultaneously being able to ogle and stroke a dick other than their own. If butts and dicks are a huge focus of your fantasies, this stroker probably seems like a literal dream come true.

Other such fantasy-based strokers I’ve seen included a vagina placed uncomfortably close to a pair of boobs, a tube with a mouth at one end and a pussy at the other, and even a vagina embedded in what appears to be a football, presumably for the benefit of horny jocks (Google it if you dare). While these types of toys often feel objectifying in a vaguely misogynist way, they certainly do tap into some people’s fantasies… sometimes resulting in creations that would give Picasso and Escher a run for their money. If the uncanny valley were an orifice, it would be this stroker.

 

This post was sponsored by IntimateNeed.com, which carries over 3,000 different products! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Lelo Enigma

Kate Sloan

I never know what to expect when a new Lelo toy launches.

Will it be a cissexist and elitist nightmare, like the Pino, their “cock ring for bankers”? Will it be a baffling controversy, like their decision to hire a known domestic abuser as the spokesman for their infamously structurally unsound condoms? Will it injure people’s clits, like their Sona? Or will it be good?

Lelo toys really are a crapshoot these days. For every new one that I like, there tends to be at least one new release that I’m… substantially less fond of. So you can see why I was intrigued by, but simultaneously wary of, their new dual-stimulation toy, the Enigma. My friends at Mindful were kind enough to send me one, and I put it to the test.

 

The Enigma is one of Lelo’s most visually appealing toys in years. It doesn’t look like a Super Mario character or something from Christian Grey’s nightstand; it comes in black or a deep shade of rose, and both colorways have a panel of iridescent pink/purple plating that lends the toy a nifty space-age aesthetic.

The Enigma is Lelo’s attempt at a category of toy that seems popular these days: pressure-wave stimulation focused on the clit, paired with an internal arm that vibrates against the G-spot. This combination is purported to help create blended orgasms through stimulation of the entire clitoris, internal and external. I’m a big fan of holistic clit stim (as opposed to stimulation that focuses only on the tip or visible portion of the clit), so I was curious how well this toy would work for me.

As with many dual-stimulation toys, you can’t easily use the Enigma’s two parts separately. If, for example, you wanted to warm yourself up with clitoral stimulation before inserting the G-spot portion of the toy, you could tuck the vibrating part between your legs to get it out of the way while the toy’s “mouth” attended to your clit, but in that position the vibrating arm starts to stray into butt territory, which you may or may not want. I found I was able to flip the toy around the other way, so that the vibrating arm presses into my external G-spot, which feels nice while I’m getting myself turned on – but if you’re looking for a toy that can be either a clit stimulator or a G-spot vibrator, you’ll have to look elsewhere, because this one is unavoidably both at once.

Part of the annoyance in trying to use the toy’s functions separately is that they can’t be controlled separately. When the toy is on, both of its functions are on; when you turn up the intensity on one, you’re turning it up on the other simultaneously. I’m not a fan of dual-stim toys that work this way, because I often find myself wanting (for example) gentle clit stimulation coupled with more intense G-spot vibration, or I may at times prefer patterns on my G-spot and steady sensation on my clit.

It’s annoying that a toy retailing for $189 doesn’t have the fairly common feature of allowing each of its functions to be controlled independently. Part of me wonders if this choice was actually made in order to keep the cost down – Lelo’s other dual-stimulation toys retail for as much as $249 – but, frankly, other sex toy companies have been able to implement this feature at lower price points, so I don’t think that’s much of an excuse. (The We-Vibe Nova 2 costs $149. I’ve seen vibes as cheap as $40 that had this feature.)

 

But aside from that main gripe, I don’t have many bad things to say about the Enigma. Using it for the first time, I immediately noticed that it seemed better-designed than many other Lelo toys in terms of how it fits human anatomy (mine, anyway). The flexible neck allows for a greater variability of distance between a user’s clit and vaginal opening, and the G-spot arm is curved such that it finds my spot with hardly any finagling.

The “mouth” on the clitoral portion isn’t as generously-sized as that of my favorite Lelo pressure-wave toy, the Sila, but it’s still large enough that I didn’t feel like it was over-focusing on the sensitive tip of my clit like these types of toys often do. I wish its “lips” were more rounded-off or flat, though, rather than having an abrupt edge that sometimes feels slightly uncomfortable against my delicate clit.

For me, the Enigma delivered the blended orgasms it promised. It’s powerful and rumbly enough that I never wondered if I’d be able to achieve orgasm with it; I knew from the start that I would, which is rare for me when testing new toys. Once it’s anchored in place against my clit and G-spot, the Enigma stays put pretty well even when used hands-free; I can get off with it easily with some well-timed pelvic clenches and some potent sexual fantasies or porn to excite my mind.

The toy has various patterns, and you can control the intensity of each pattern. I’m normally not much of a patterns fan but these ones are acceptable – there’s not much space in between the pulses and waves, so they actually build my arousal rather than stopping it cold. Patterned vibrations on my G-spot also create the sensation of movement, making the Enigma’s relatively small G-spot arm feel ever-so-slightly more like a cock is fucking me.

My orgasms with this toy are similar to the ones I experience with most pressure-wave toys – sometimes almost painfully intense, but sometimes more in the neighborhood of “wait, was that an orgasm?” However, the addition of G-spot vibration makes the latter type less frequent for me. Orgasms with this toy are satisfying, but the sensation is quite odd if you’re not used to it (and even sometimes if you are). This is why I tend to recommend people try a cheaper a pressure-wave toy, like the Satisfyer Pro 2, before deciding if they want a fancier one.

 

The Lelo Enigma is waterproof and well-constructed. Its control panel is easy to understand, except that it sometimes takes more than one press of a button to get it to actually do anything (a common problem with Lelo toys). It’s a gorgeous, high-quality toy that mostly lives up to its high price point – except for not being able to control the components separately from one another.

If you’re looking for a dual-stim toy that combines pressure waves with G-spot vibration, I think it’s hard to go past the Enigma. I’ve tried several toys in this category over the past year or two and this is definitely the nicest, rumbliest, and most pleasurable one I’ve tried. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll work for you, because pressure-wave toys are odd and dual-stimulation toys are notoriously anatomy-dependent – but I think it’s relatively unparalleled in its category.

I don’t know what mystery the Enigma’s name refers to, but it’s solved at least one: the mystery of why Lelo is still such a popular sex toy brand, despite all their various missteps. Quite simply, they make good toys… occasionally.

 

Thanks to my friends at Mindful for sending me this product to try! This post was sponsored, meaning that I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.