The Most Important (and Most Overlooked) Quality of Any Vibrator

Kate Sloan

I get emails literally every day from sex toy companies who want me to try their latest vibrator. They’ll wax poetic about its shape, its aesthetic, its strange and innovative features; they’ll claim it’s revolutionary, a revelation; they’ll plead wide-eyed with me to name it one of my all-time favorites.

But 9 times out of 10, it won’t stand a chance – because 9 times out of 10, its motor is terrible.

It’s really wild that we’re still having this conversation in 2021, nearly 150 years after the first electric vibrator was invented, but: a vibrator’s motor is its most important feature. If your toys have a buzzy, weak motor, you can spend hundreds, thousands, or even millions of dollars on research and development for the toy’s other aspects and it won’t matter. Hell, some of my favorite vibrators ever are ugly as sin, but I don’t care because their motor is capable of giving me orgasms, unlike many, many, many others out there.

 

A brief primer on the notable traits of a vibrator motor, for those unacquainted:

Broadly speaking, vibrations can be ranked on a spectrum between buzzy and rumbly. Some vibrators are both simultaneously, and some feel rumbly on their lower settings and buzzier as you turn the toy up (or, less often, the other way around), but for the most part, any vibrating toy will land noticeably somewhere on that spectrum.

Buzzy vibration feels surface-level; its stimulation goes only skin-deep. It tends to both feel and sound higher-pitched than rumbly vibration. A buzzy vibrator is likelier to create the temporary desensitization/numbness many people dislike about vibrators, such that (for me at least) orgasms from buzzy vibes sometimes feel barely pleasurable, if they’re achievable at all, because the area has been so thoroughly numbed by that point. Buzziness shows up most often in cheap toys, but even some high-end vibrators are surprisingly buzzy, because – as I’ve mentioned – many companies are more concerned with aesthetics and “innovation” than with getting this most basic aspect of their toy right.

Rumbly vibration, on the other hand, feels more like fast, rhythmic thumping than buzzing, almost as if someone was tapping your skin very very very quickly. This type of vibration goes deeper into the body, stimulating buried tissues like those of the internal clit, G-spot, or prostate. It tends to cause less numbness than buzzy vibration and to preserve genital sensation for longer, often leading to deeper, stronger orgasms. It also tends to be quieter than buzzy vibration and tends to be found in more expensive toys, although there are companies (such as We-Vibe and Dame) that make rumbly toys at a more reasonable price point.

In the land of sex toy reviews, sometimes you’ll see folks proclaiming that rumbly vibes are good and buzzy vibes are bad, period, end of story. I agree that most people seem to feel this way, but I’d like to note that there are people who prefer buzzy vibrations, for various reasons (I’m not one of them so I couldn’t tell you what those reasons are). I also think that there’s sometimes a place for buzziness; I don’t usually mind if a vibe gets a bit buzzy on its highest settings, for example, because when I’m close to orgasm, sometimes it’s a little burst of buzziness that pushes me over the edge, stimulating me in a different way than rumbly vibrations can.

But in general, yes, I would say that rumbly vibrations are the superior type. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that if you’ve only tried one or two vibrators in the past and haven’t liked them, there’s a very good chance that they were too buzzy and that you’d appreciate something rumblier. (But also, some people just don’t enjoy vibration and that’s fine too.)

 

It shocks and disappoints me every time I turn on a new vibrator that looks luxurious and well-thought-out, and discover that it’s as buzzy as a $20 watch-battery bullet. It angers me that companies feel it’s appropriate to charge high prices for products missing the most basic component of a halfway decent vibrator: a good motor. It annoys me that companies get aggravated when I call their toys buzzy in my reviews, as if they couldn’t have put the effort in to develop a better motor in the first place. It saddens me that so many people around the world probably dismiss the category of vibrators altogether because of some bad experiences they’ve had with buzzy ones, thereby cutting themselves off from untold pleasures.

“Rumbly” has become a buzzword in the industry now, too, such that many companies brag ostentatiously about the “rumbliness” of toys that are no such thing. In my view, there are only two ways to know if a vibrator is actually buzzy or rumbly before you buy it: read multiple reviews of it by sex toy bloggers/journalists/experts who are demonstrably committed to honesty in their assessments, or go to a sex shop and feel the toy’s vibrations for yourself. Don’t trust companies’ own marketing copy, because even otherwise-good companies sometimes lie. (I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times that a vibrator billed as “whisper-quiet” has actually been loud enough to startle my roommate’s cats such that they leap off my bed and sprint into another room.)

Here is my plea to any sex toy company employees or consultants who may be reading this. Prioritize good motors above everything else in a toy’s design (other than body-safe non-porous materials and overall safety, but that’s a given). If finances dictate that you have to make a toy less flashy and impressive in order to make it actually feel good, then that’s worth doing. I don’t give a single shit how many patterns, settings, and functions your toy has if I can’t even feel my genitals while I’m using it. Start with the motor and go from there; the motor should never be an afterthought or anything other than your #1 priority.

There. Now I can step off my soapbox and go jerk off with a vibrator I can actually feel.

Review: V for Vibes Bia Ejaculating Rabbit Vibrator

Kate Sloan

When I told my friend Bex I was going to review an ejaculating rabbit vibrator, he said, “I’ve heard all of those words, but never quite expected to hear them together in that order.” My thoughts exactly.

This was, pretty universally, the reaction of everyone I told about the V for Vibes Bia ejaculating rabbit vibrator. Friends wondered, as I was wondering: Aren’t “ejaculating” toys usually realistic dildos, since most people who are into the fantasy of seeing dicks come are into, well… seeing dicks come? What is the overlap, if any, between people who want a rabbit vibe and people who want a squirting toy?

One of the first things I noticed about the Bia was that it’s adorable as hell. It’s a bright blue, silicone, rechargeable rabbit vibe with a simple silhouette and a diameter of about 1.35″. It looks like the rabbit of my dreams – but how does it feel?

Like many rabbits, this one has two separate motors – the inside one that presses on your G-spot, and the outside one that tickles your clit with its li’l rabbit ears. There are 12 different vibration patterns you can scroll through with one button; the patterns are pre-selected and pretty chaotic, and the motors can’t be controlled independently. (I think all dual-stimulation vibes should allow you to control their two functions independently of each other, but I’m a snob, so your mileage may vary.)

Both motors are, unfortunately, quite buzzy. They have enough power to feel impactful, but start to cause some numbness pretty soon after I put ’em on/in my bits. That said, this is a rabbit that lends itself unusually well to thrusting, which is especially important for buzzy vibes. I find that the slight desensitization caused by this toy can be combated by thrusting it in and out slightly, since the motion and rhythm make up for the loss of some sensation.

There are only a few rabbit vibes I’ve found I could thrust with, the We-Vibe Nova being one of them. The Bia achieves its thrustability by having a firm-yet-flexible clitoral portion that stays put reasonably well on top of my clit while I move the rest of the toy in and out. This is the way I come most easily with this toy. If you prefer to hold your rabbit vibes static, I would recommend a rumblier one instead, like the aforementioned Nova. I’d also recommend one that will press more firmly against your internal spots while staying still; the Bia’s curve is quite gentle, so I only really get G-spot pleasure from it while I’m thrusting, which is fine with me but won’t be everyone’s preference.

The handle of the Bia also aids in said thrusting. It’s surprisingly ergonomic, curved downward to allow for an easy, steady grip while you manipulate the toy. As someone whose hands often hurt, I appreciate this feature!

But what about the ejaculation?! Well, you should know upfront that it doesn’t look how a flesh-and-blood cock looks when it comes. There is no rhythmic spurting, no Olympian long-distance spraying – so it’s probably not what you need if you’re interested in this toy for exhibitionistic or porn-making purposes. But I like it anyway.

You load the toy’s “cum chamber” by twisting off its base and pouring a liquid of your choice into the receptacle. Theoretically, you could use any liquid that’s thin enough to be squirted out of the toy (think hand-soap consistency or runnier), but my personal fave for this purpose is FuckWater’s hybrid lube. It’s mainly water-based, so it’s safe to use with a silicone toy, but contains just enough silicone lube to give it a slipperier feel and a more cum-like appearance. You don’t need to fill the entire chamber with lube in order for the squirting to work – and in fact, you shouldn’t, unless you know you’re gonna use a fuckton of lube, because you’ll just have to clean the excess out of the toy when you’re done, effectively wasting any you haven’t used.

The actual “ejaculation” happens when you press and hold the “raindrop” button on the toy. The way it works reminds me of one of those mechanized soap dispensers; it whirrs loudly, and slowly dispenses lube through its cum-hole for the duration of however long you press the button. Rather than looking like an actual ejaculation, it’s more like when someone has already come but their dick still drips a little residual semen afterward. Personally, I found the look of it hotter than I expected to, although the loud mechanical whirring kind of dampens the magic. So does the fact that you have to dissemble and rinse out the toy after every use and let it dry fully before reassembling it.

Besides the hotness factor, this squirting feature is potentially useful as a lube dispensation tactic. Should you notice that you’re drying out a bit while you’re using the toy, you can hold down the squirt button to pump a bit more lube into your body without needing to go through the whole rigamarole of removing the toy, re-lubing, and re-inserting. It’s pretty cool, and not something I’ve been able to do with any other toy before.

I wish the Bia rabbit vibrator had a far rumblier vibration quality and that its two motors could be controlled separately of one another, both features I think are reasonable to expect of a $100 vibrator. I also wish it was quieter and had more of a G-spot curve. But the squirting function is inventive and fun, the aesthetic of the toy is delightful, and I have had orgasms while thrusting it quickly in and out of me. When I first started using it, I didn’t understand why anyone would want a squirting rabbit vibe – but now, having used it a handful of times, I think I finally get it.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning that I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

10 Fun Ways to Celebrate Your Book Launch

Kate Sloan

My first book, 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, is launching in less than a month, and I have been frantically googling ways to celebrate it.

I’m bad at celebrating my own successes. It is a chronic problem that both my spouse and my therapist have pointed out to me on many occasions, and have encouraged me to examine. It has to do with impostor syndrome, insecurity, shame, trauma, anxiety, blah blah blah. Basically I’m a dick to myself sometimes and should be nicer to myself, dammit, especially when I achieve remarkable things.

But in searching for resources on how authors celebrate their book launches, I’ve mainly found articles on how authors promote their book launches. Sure, celebrations of such things are partly about promotion and attention, and that stuff is necessary in order for a book (and its author) to succeed – but currently I’m more interested in the emotional and psychological side of things, and in celebrations that are less about garnering media attention and more about congratulating yourself for a job damn well done.

With that in mind, today I’m gonna do something I often do on this blog – I’m gonna write the article I wish existed. Here are 10 ways you could celebrate your book launch if you just wanna congratulate yourself and revel in your own awesomeness for being an author.

 

1. Have a party. Not so doable in pandemic times, naturally, but still potentially navigable depending on your comfort level and how you decide to do it. You could host an outdoor picnic with readings, or ask a bookstore you admire to let you throw your (masked-up, vaxxed-up) bash there, or do a livestream online. I’ve often found that hosting a party to celebrate an accomplishment helps me feel like that accomplishment actually happened, because real live humans show up and tell me how well I’ve done. Rad!

2. Match your outfit to the book cover. I am a colossal fan of themed outfits. They sometimes feel like an antidote to my depression and apathy: I may not be excited about getting dressed in general, but tell me to dress like a punk teen from the ’90s or a boarding-school English professor or a Mad Men extra, and my imagination is instantly engaged. When I realized I could celebrate my book’s launch by dressing to match it – i.e. in black and gold, ideally with some kinky elements thrown in – I immediately felt so much more excited about the whole thing. (If you want some inspiration, check out the lilac custom-embroidered jumpsuit Casey McQuiston wore to celebrate their book One Last Stop, or the pink suit Kaye Blegvad wore to the launch for The Pink Book. If you know of more examples, I’d love to hear about them in the comments!)

3. Do a reading. If you’re throwing a launch party, traditionally you’d do a reading at that event – but even if you decide to go sans party, you can still hop on Instagram Live, Zoom, or another streaming medium of your choice, and read some sections of your book aloud to an audience. Sometimes my words feel more real, and more meaningful, when I’m able to speak them aloud to attentive listeners.

4. Invent a cocktail to go with your book. (Alcoholic or non-!) My spouse Matt is a huge cocktail person and has taught me so much about how a drink can be perfectly crafted to evoke a particular mood, aesthetic, or vibe. I haven’t yet asked them to devise a Kinky Things drink, but I’m sure they’d be thrilled at the prospect! If your book contains references to particular ingredients, time periods, or existing cocktails, maybe those could be a jumping-off point for your brainstorming.

5. Get a tattoo. The pen and pencil on my upper left arm were explicitly meant to be a “yay, I got my first book deal!” celebratory tattoo. I love tattoos as markers of achievements or “new chapters” in life, because they remain on your body, forever a reminder of how terrific you are.

6. Do a photoshoot. I loved Casey McQuiston’s book launch shoot at the Coney Island subway station, because that location features prominently in their book, and its color palette looked lovely with the book cover. One of these days I’m hoping to dress up kinky and hire a photographer friend to take some snaps of me with my own book, both for promotional purposes and just for fun celebratory purposes.

7. Thank the people who helped you get where you are. Not just your agent/editor/publisher/etc. – although, them too! – but also people like your high school English teacher, your college writing professor, the novelist who inspired you to get into the game, etc. Maybe even send them a copy if you’re feeling generous. They’ll be thrilled to hear that they helped shape you into the fancy published author that you are!

8. Seek out your book “in the wild,” like a self-indulgent treasure hunt. Go find the local bookstores that stock your book (if applicable), take gleeful selfies in front of it, and bask in how wonderful it is that your writing is in an actual bookstore!

9. Do a spiritual/magic ceremony. Whatever belief system(s) you do or don’t subscribe to, there may be a way for you to celebrate your book launch while tapping into your spirituality, “woo-woo”-ness, or interest in magic and the supernatural. I think it would be nice, for example, to hold my book to my chest while meditating on creativity and gratitude, or to spend some time clutching crystals and visualizing my book traveling out into the world and helping people.

10. Practice your signature and start signing copies. Whether you give them to your loved ones, set up a signing at a bookstore, or sell signed copies online, you’re gonna want a great signature and a go-to inscription. I spent some time practicing a new way of signing my name recently, and am ready to put it to the test on my actual book!

 

Fellow authors, how did/do you celebrate your book launch(es)?

How I Track & Manage My Chronic Illness Symptoms in a Bullet Journal

Kate Sloan

I’ve long admired bullet journaling as a practice – like the art journaling and planner collage I did as a teen, it’s a way of making the everyday into something visually appealing and memorable. Life itself feels more beautiful, I find, when you document it in a beautiful way.

I was recently hit by a deep and recurring urge to return to this style of creative documentation. But, in particular, I’d been wanting to find a more concrete way of tracking my chronic illness symptoms. In seeking a diagnosis (which I’d been doing for over six years with no luck thus far), it can be helpful to have cold hard numbers to show to a doctor, so they can get a sense of how serious and ongoing the problem is. I’d experimented with symptom-tracking apps, spreadsheets, and digital notes, but had found it difficult to use these consistently enough to gather any real data. It was time for a physical solution.

While I no longer do much writing with an actual pen on actual paper, I’ve known for a long time that it can help unlock things in the mind that would’ve remained unexplored if you’d stayed in a digital medium. There are numerous scientists who have opinions on why this is; there are also cultural commentators, like Tom Hanks and John Mayer in the documentary California Typewriter, with their own views on why physically scrawling or hammering out a piece of writing can feel better and produce better results than digital alternatives. I doubt this is true for everyone, but it’s certainly true for me. All attempts I’ve made to journal on a computer, for example, left me feeling unable to dive as deep emotionally as I tend to when I let my thoughts meander through a notebook on my lap.

So I figured a similar principle might apply for tracking my various symptoms, remedies, ups and downs. I bought a bright yellow Leuchtturm1917 dotted journal (widely considered the best choice for bullet journaling aficionados) and some colored pens and highlighters, and got to work building my setup.

I should say upfront, what I’m doing is a very loose interpretation of what “bullet journaling” actually means. I’ve also pulled a number of ideas from various sources I found through Pinterest. Let’s talk about 3 of the main tools I use in my journal to help track and assuage my chronic illness symptoms:

Habit tracker on weekly spread

Lots of people do a “weekly spread” in their bullet journals, where they lay out the days of the week like a traditional planner, and write their commitments and appointments on the corresponding days. I got inspired by some of the journalers I saw online who were doing habit trackers as part of their weekly spread, so I decided to start doing my own.

Basically this is just a table with a list of habits I want to instill on the Y axis and the days of the week on the X axis. When I successfully do one of the things on my habit list, I fill in the square for that habit on that day. Pretty simple.

However, I continue to find it astonishing how motivating this practice is for me. The satisfaction of coloring in a part of the table and seeing the page get gradually more colorful… The ability to see, at a glance, whether I was good or less good at self-care during a particular week… The ability to triumphantly text my partner a photo of the days when I complete all of my habits… It’s all lovely.

I love that I can change up which habits I’m prioritizing from week to week; for example, if I’m having an active psoriasis flare-up, I’ll add “apply psoriasis lotion” to my habits list. The habits on my current page are: sunshine (get outside/feel the sun on my face), exercise, supplements, reading (at least 20+ minutes; must be a book, not an article or blog post), brush & floss, and intentional joy. That last one is the vaguest, but basically I’d define it as taking some time out of my day to deliberately experience something that makes me happy, whether that’s laughing my ass off at a Netflix comedy special, having a decadent jerk-off session in the afternoon, or cuddling my roommate’s cats while telling them how pretty they are.

I’ve genuinely gotten much better about sticking to these habits since I started tracking them in a journal. Would recommend!

Monthly health notes page

At the start of every month, I divide one page into 3 columns – pain, brain, and miscellaneous – and number the days of the month on the left side of the page. Then I make notes throughout the month about which symptoms I noticed and when.

This is fantastically useful for so many reasons. It gives me a record that a doctor might find useful. It gives me a clearer picture of how my menstrual cycle affects my symptoms. I can cross-reference this page with my habit tracker to see how various habits affect the way I feel.

In fact, I recently did exactly that, when I started having scary heart palpitations a couple days a week or so. I looked at my health notes and my habit tracker and discovered that the days my heart went haywire were all days that I had ingested both caffeine and a red panax ginseng supplement I’d recently started on. I did some research and found out that ginseng is known to increase heart rate for some folks – and of course, so is caffeine. I also found out through research that the antidepressant I’m on, Wellbutrin, increases some users’ sensitivity to caffeine. With all of this information available to me, I was able to make the decision to stop taking the ginseng supplement and limit my caffeine intake going forward. My heart palpitations haven’t returned since I did that.

I also like that the health tracker page gives me a place to brain-dump any random symptoms I might be experiencing that my hypochondriac brain thinks might be perilous. Looking back on this page helps me see that most of the stuff I was worried about turned out to be nothing (or, sometimes, turned out to be anxiety-related).

Self-care bingo

I read about this in a bullet journaling blog post and loved the idea immediately. Self-care is definitely an area where I need as much help as I can get, being a depressed and anxious workaholic prone to destructively high expectations for myself. I liked the thought of “gamifying” my self-care to make me more motivated to actually do it.

At the start of each month, I draw out a 6×6 bingo board and fill in each square with something specific that I want to do to reduce my stress level and increase my joy quotient. Some of the things repeat from month to month because they work consistently for me – like “take a bath” or “no social media for 3 hours” – while some get changed up.

This spread gives me permission to be nice to myself; self-care feels “productive” because I know I get to fill in a little square on my bingo board after I do it. As a person who has often beat herself up for reading or playing video games because those activities “weren’t productive,” I know that I struggle to do things just for the pleasure of doing them; there’s almost always some guilt and/or shame attached to that for me. I’m working on it in therapy (among other things), but until I figure out a better way to deal with that problem, this self-care bingo thing seems like a great stopgap.

 

Have you ever used a bullet journal to track or mitigate your chronic illness symptoms?

5 Reasons No One Should Spank Their Kids

Kate Sloan

Content note: This piece touches on nonconsensual spanking, other forms of physical abuse, sexual assault, trauma, suicidality, addiction, and human rights violations.

 

1. It doesn’t work. According to one expert, Elizabeth Gershoff, who reviewed 61 long-term studies and 8 international investigations, “Zero studies found that physical punishment predicted better child behavior over time.” Some studies found physical punishment increases children’s aggression and other behavioral problems. (I mean, yeah, when the person you’re supposed to be able to love and trust implicitly starts beating you on a sexual body part, you’re gonna have some feelings about that, and those feelings might manifest as aggression.) Gershoff’s final word on the matter: “Physical punishment is harmful to children’s development and well-being. There is no evidence that it has any positive outcomes whatsoever.” Hear hear.

2. It’s traumatic. Studies have found that, in terms of inciting behavioral problems in children the likes of which are usually due to trauma, spanking has “statistically indistinguishable effects” from other forms of childhood trauma, like emotional abuse, neglect, and the death of one’s parent. People who were spanked as children are likelier to die at a younger age from cancer, heart disease, and respiratory problems. They are also likelier to develop aggressive and antisocial behaviors, anxiety, depression, and autoimmune disorders – all problems known to arise from trauma more generally. Spanking is also linked with an increase in heavy drinking, street drug usage, and suicidality.

3. It’s sexual. As spanking fetishist and journalist Jillian Keenan argues in her brilliant Slate piece on the matter, the butt is an inherently sexual zone. The area shares an artery with the genital region, so when you spank someone, bloodflow to their genitals increases. This is part of why spanking arouses so many kinksters – and why it’s a vastly inappropriate thing to do to one’s child. A scientist who’s studied spanking’s neurological effects on children says it produces “the same reactions in the brain” as sexual abuse. Just because a body part doesn’t seem sexual to you doesn’t mean it’s not sexual, culturally and biologically.

4. It teaches a terrible lesson. I don’t know about you, but if I ever have kids, I hope to impart good lessons to them about conflict resolution and emotional self-regulation. It’s horrendous to teach your children – even just indirectly, through behavior you’re modelling for them – that hitting someone is an acceptable way to deal with feeling angry or overwhelmed. You’re actively making the world worse if you do this.

5. It’s a human rights violation. Children should have just as much of a right to bodily autonomy and protection from harm as anyone else in society, but as things stand, they don’t. It’s still perfectly legal to spank your kid in many places, even though – as described above – there are mountains of evidence showing that spanking is ineffective and harmful. This one form of physical abuse has been privileged as an “acceptable” form, and it’s not. It’s abuse. It’s a violation. It’s not okay. Stop doing it. If you find yourself wanting to hit your child for any reason, seek professional help immediately and stay away from your child(ren) until you’re able to calm down.