Review: Wowyes OYE-030 A7 Sucking Vibrator

Kate Sloan

I was skeptical about this vibrator. And then it made me come in under 5 minutes, and I was sold.

The Wowyes OYE-030 A7 Sucking Vibrator has, without question, one of the worst names I’ve ever seen in this industry, but despite that, it’s got a lot going for it. It’s a We-Vibe-esque toy that can vibrate against your G-spot while simultaneously applying pressure-wave stimulation (à la Womanizer and Satisfyer) to your clit. It’s covered in silky-smooth silicone and has a little pink flower on its one button – cute.

Despite the similarities between this toy and the We-Vibe Sync, it lacks one of the Sync’s much-discussed features: a bendable “hinge” between the two sections of the toy so you can adjust it to find your preferred spacing and pressure. Ultimately, this is probably for the best – a hinge likely would’ve increased the toy’s price point as it did for the Sync, and when I worked at sex shops, customers accidentally broke our Sync floor models at the hinge so many times that we had to stop leaving floor models out. However, that lack of adjustability means that this Wowyes toy will only work for people who have a clit that’s about 2 inches (or less) from their vaginal opening. Any more than that, and you run the risk of over-bending the toy and/or finding that its nozzle can’t reach your clit.

When testing this toy, I scribbled a frustrated note about the lack of a hinge, but when the toy gave me an orgasm 5 minutes later (I’ll get to that in a second), I started to understand how this was actually a good design choice. Although I love the bendable Sync, it tends to slip out of position periodically as its hinge widens from the pressure of masturbation/sex; the Wowyes toy, on the other hand, stays tightly pressed against my G-spot and clit throughout the session and doesn’t tend to slip out (in part due to the stimulating ridges on the G-spot end). This ultimately results in more satisfying orgasms because the toy maintains pressure on my spots even while my pelvic muscles are rhythmically clenching.

So, how does this toy actually feel? The pressure waves feel like they’re blended with some buzzyish vibration that makes them intense but also slightly numbing after more than a few minutes. The internal vibrations are, similarly, on the buzzier side of the spectrum, but they have a bunch of excellent patterns that somehow negate that for me. The first pattern – rhythmic pulsing at a medium speed – is the one I stay on 90% of the time, because it pairs brilliantly with steady clit stimulation, lending a sense of motion and rhythm to the overall sensation.

The “mouth” is one of the smallest ones I’ve seen, so unfortunately it’s probably not a good pick for people with medium-to-large-sized clits. Normally I don’t like super pinpointed pressure waves, but this toy has a protruding silicone “lip” that runs the perimeter of its mouth and stimulates the area around my clit, as well – the clitoral hood and some of the labia, depending on how my legs are positioned – so it still feels pleasurable to me even though it’s laser-focused on the tip of my clit. Squeezing my thighs together takes the intensity of the buzziness down somewhat, making the pressure waves feel rumblier and like they’re penetrating deeper into my internal clit.

Both functions of this toy have multiple settings and patterns, but to be real with you, in my testing I have rarely ventured past the first or second pressure-wave speed and that first pulsing vibration pattern. They just work too well in tandem for me to want to explore much else beyond what’s necessary to write this review.

Used alongside a fabulous blowjob porn clip, this toy gave me a fast, intense orgasm with its steady clit-sucking portion and those rhythmic vibrations pulsing away against my G-spot. I’ve often found that pressure-wave toys tend to make me come quickly and unsatisfyingly, but something about this toy makes orgasms unexpectedly intense for me. I think it’s the firm pressure against my G-spot (owing to that lack of bendiness in the neck of the toy) and the “lips” surrounding my clit while I come. It’s definitely not as profound and world-altering a sensation as can be provided by something much rumblier, like the Eroscillator or the Tango X, but it’s pretty damn good for a $50 toy. I will say, however, that (uncharacteristically for me) I tend to crave another orgasm just a few minutes after having one with this toy, as if the first one hadn’t quite satisfied me.

The toy’s one button is gratifyingly clicky to push, and its smooth, domed shape is easy to locate by touch in the heat of the moment. After you’ve turned the toy on by holding and pressing the button briefly, hitting it again activates the vibration portion, and double-clicking it activates the pressure-wave portion. You can cycle through each motor’s different modes separately by either single-pressing (vibration) or double-pressing (pressure waves). It seems to me that it would be easy to make mistakes while controlling the toy this way – after all, “double-clicking your mouse” can distract you from any other double-clicking you might be doing – but I actually haven’t screwed up even once while scrolling through this toy’s settings, because the button is so well-designed that each push feels distinctly discernible. Cool.

In any case, it doesn’t matter that much because the toy comes with a little heart-shaped remote (watch battery included). Unlike almost any other toy I’ve tried of this type, the remote arrives pre-paired with the toy, so you don’t have to mess around with Bluetooth settings before playing. The signal even travels through my pants, underwear, and closed thighs. Neat! I wish the remote was a little more substantial-feeling – it’s light and feels cheap, reminding me of some kind of knockoff Sailor Moon children’s toy – but for a product that only costs $49.50, I find it impressive that they included a functioning remote at all. Remote-controllability also tends to make toys more accessible for disabled folks – always a plus.

The remote would be especially great for the toy’s main intended purpose: enhancing partnered intercourse. Much like the We-Vibe, it’s designed to be worn vaginally while a partner penetrates you with their penis or strap-on. I did not try it this way because my partner is 500 miles away right now (boooo), but I imagine it would be passable-but-not-amazing for that purpose. Whereas something like the We-Vibe benefits from the friction and motion of a partner, rubbing its vibrations all over your clitoral area with every thrust, pressure-wave toys comparatively tend to need to stay in one spot in order to maintain their suction on your clit and keep feeling good. That’s especially true when a toy has a nozzle as small as this one has. I think PIV would jostle it off its target too often for it to really feel good, but hey, feel free to prove me wrong.

This toy definitely doesn’t work as well for me in the absence of porn to watch. Granted, that’s true for a lot of toys, but I think this one in particular really benefits from mental stimulation; on its own, it’s a little too buzzy to really feel impactful, but when porn is arousing my brain, the toy’s sensations feel amped up and make me come easily.

Sadly, this toy is pretty loud, especially the clitoral portion. It quiets down when it’s actually sucking my clit, or when it’s pressed tight between my closed legs, but it gets noisy if I try to reposition it. Not a huge deal for me, but certainly not ideal for people who need to keep their toy usage on the down-low.

Overall, I’m really impressed with the Wowyes OYE-030 A7 Sucking Vibrator, and will probably keep it in my regular rotation for those days when I just want to get off fast. Its remote works better than any I’ve tried, it stimulates both my G-spot and clit surprisingly well, and it’s cute as fuck. Assuming it fits your anatomy and you can deal with the loudness and lack of flexibility – and that you like mild clitoral suction and rhythmic G-spot vibration – I think it’s a perfectly viable toy to spend $49.50 on. Its name is the worst thing about it, and if you know the sex toy industry, you know that that’s a backhanded compliment but a compliment nonetheless.

 

Thanks to the folks at Honeysx for sending me this toy to try! This post was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product.

Guest Review: Tantaly Monroe Realistic Sex Doll

Kate Sloan

Note from Kate: I asked a cis male friend of mine to review this sex doll for me, because my partner already has one and doesn’t have enough room in their New York apartment for another one 😂 Here’s what my friend thought about his new doll, in his own words…

I’ve always wondered what it might be like to own a realistic sex doll. But I never bought one because the high-end ones I looked at were pretty expensive, and I was afraid that if I owned one, someone might find it in my home and make fun of me. I wouldn’t want someone to know I spent so much money on that kind of thing!

So imagine my surprise and delight when my friend Kate asked me if I’d be interested in testing and reviewing the Tantaly “Monroe” sex doll… for free! And when I say “doll,” what I really mean is a headless, armless torso with thighs that cut off above the knee. “Monroe” is ostensibly named after Marilyn Monroe due to her elegant hip-to-waist ratio, though I don’t remember Marilyn having G-cup breasts. This thing costs over $900, so I figured it had to be pretty legit.

After following Canada Post’s tracking for over a week, I got a knock on the front door and found a box big enough to hold a dining chair. I don’t know why sex toy reviewers always feel the need to describe their initial unboxing when they’re going to immediately throw the box away, but what the heck, let’s do it anyway: They promised “non-descript packaging,” and wow they weren’t kidding. It was a cardboard box containing a compact styrofoam coffin, inside of which was a nude torso wrapped in plastic. Nothing in the way of presentation or pizzaz, not even so much as a ribbon tied in a bow; only a teeny instruction pamphlet and tampon-like “drying stick” used to dehumidify Monroe’s orifices when not in use.

Once I cut Monroe out of her powder-coated placenta, it was time to pick her up and carry her to the bedroom like some sort of extremely fucked-up “carrying my new bride over the threshold” situation. And, while I know it’s rude to say so, she is HEAVY! 68 pounds of totally dead weight, to be exact (though when she sat on my face it felt more like 69, har har). If you have less-than-average upper body strength, you should really take this into account when considering the purchase of a Monroe. I had to struggle laboriously up the stairs with her draped over my shoulder like a firefighter trying to rescue half of someone. My cat didn’t know WHAT the fuck was going on.

After tossing her onto the bed and catching my breath, I immediately had the urge to eat her ass. In real life, spontaneous ass-eating can be a risky proposition to say the least, but it’s been over a year since I’ve had the opportunity to eat any ass at all, so I dove in and it was a lovely experience. Then I flipped her over, spread her thighs apart ­ ­–which took more than a little bit of effort – and went down on her, fingering her in the process. While doing so, I suddenly thought about how wild it is that I finally have a lover who needs no foreplay and here I am warming her up just for the fuck of it!

Anyway, she was now on her back with her fabulously gravity-defying breasts pointed to the heavens. I gave them a few ham-handed squeezes the way I might have in a teenage wet dream. They felt nice to the touch (and I even licked a nipple which was kind of fun). With that being said, I’ve had a few dozen sexual partners and I feel confident in saying the texture of these boobs doesn’t mimic the feel of any that actually exist, unless there’s some cosmetic surgeon out there stuffing wads of “cyberskin” into patients’ mammary glands.

Now the time had come: I lubed up her vagina and, since it was a bit cold in there, I held my fingers inside for about 30 seconds to transfer some of my body heat. After getting hard, I got into position, slipped in there, and WOW

WHOA

I came extremely fast. To be fair, I was particularly aroused by the anticipation of this experiment, and it probably ratcheted my horniness up even more when I revisited my long-lost pastime of ass-eating, but Monroe’s vagina was far and away the most pleasantly stimulating fake pussy I’d ever been inside. In my lifetime, I’ve owned around 10 various masturbators that purported to mimic a real fuckable orifice and this one takes the cake. And by the cake, I mean the cum. The first time I slid my penis into it, I immediately felt that anxious “oh shit I need to slow down” feeling I often felt in my early sexual experiences. My penis is pretty thick, and I’ve occasionally run into sex toys that are so tailored to a small-to-average penis size that they’re either uncomfortable for me or they begin to wear prematurely, as I’ve found with my otherwise delightful ArcWave Ion. But this hole was neither too tight nor too loose… To mix metaphors, I felt like Goldilocks finding the perfect bowl of porridge to stick my dick into.

As a side note, I enjoy the fact that I can seriously rail this thing like an industrial piston. I’ve never been allowed to ram into a partner’s hole with all my strength. Here, I could do that and it felt amazing both in terms of sensation and raw caveman humpery. So there I was, probably less than a minute after penetration, breathing hard atop a buxom semen-filled effigy.

And that’s when I learned that cleanup is a bit of a process. It’s tempting to skip it directly after coming because you’d rather bliss out and not do an immediate chore. But from what I understand, failing to clean this product, especially after ejaculating inside it, is a quick way to get a nasty situation on your hands. Sadly, this vagina is not self-cleaning and its pH is not self-regulating. But a few squirts with a bulb douche and sort of “scooping” out the cum and lube inside – not unlike some intense G-spot stimulation – gets it reasonably clean. You just have to figure out where the water will go when it inevitably comes back out of there (or else your bed may end up looking like someone’s just experienced an absolutely legendary squirting orgasm!) Once you get as much water and jizz out as you can, you insert the included “drying stick.” By the way, Tantaly sells additional drying sticks as well as other maintenance accessories and even a USB-powered “heating rod” to warm the orifices before use. You’ll want to buy a second drying stick unless you strictly fuck one hole per session. Speaking of maintenance, one inconvenient thing about Monroe is that she must be stored lying down, meaning she’ll take up around 8 square feet of space in your home. In my condo, she lives in a trashbag on the floor of my closet like something you’d see on some nauseating true crime docuseries.

So anyway, that was round one. A few hours later, I remembered “Oh yeah, I have a naked torso on my bed!” and decided to go for round two. This time, it would be doggy style. I once again picked her up and flipped her over, and I have to say, it was not very fun to do so. Tantaly sells similar sex doll torsos that weigh much less, and I found myself wondering if I’d rather try one of them (though it’s possible that their relative lightness could make them feel less realistic). I had a difficult time getting Monroe into a position that felt right for doggy style. While she is highly poseable, her skeletal frame takes a lot of effort to adjust. This is for the best, since she would collapse too easily if her frame were flimsier, but when trying to get her into position, you feel like you’re fighting with rusty levers in some abandoned mad scientist’s lab. It often feels like you’re forcing someone to move against their will, which is slightly distressing if you dwell on it for more than a second. Moving her around on a bed adds the element of mattress bounciness which can make the process even more unwieldy. To successfully pose her in a “doggy style position” requires you to make sure her thighs are both positioned at the exact same angle (otherwise she’ll lean too far to one side)… It’s like trying to get a tripod perfectly level if the tripod’s legs were human legs with rigor mortis! Also, she has no knees, so in any “kneeling” position, her butt is lower to the ground than it would actually be if her legs were complete and intact.

To her credit, when you finally get Monroe into a doggy-style position it’s a truly beautiful thing; her ass is a sight to behold and unlike a real-life situation, it feels okay to stare and truly appreciate what you’re looking at. Unfortunately, after trying rear-entry PIV in a few varying positions, I realized that both the angle and position of her vagina are so optimized for the missionary position that they make full penetration from behind nearly impossible for an average-sized penis. I’m a little longer than 6 inches and I could barely get halfway in from behind. So I decided to grab the lube bottle again and head on down to brown town. Her anal orifice (or “tunnel” as it is called on Tantaly’s website) is anatomically realistic in its shortness, but just like the vagina, it is textured in a way that’s more stimulating than any ass I’ve ever fucked. I enjoyed squeezing her asscheeks as I went in and out – WHOOPS, I came again. This time I lasted a bit longer, but once again, I could see an orgasm on the horizon the moment I started. Mind you, I’m no two-pump chump. The few times in my adult life that I’ve finished really quickly were with particularly petite women whose anatomy made for a lot more friction and grip than usual. But even then, I lasted longer than what felt like 60-90 seconds in this case! As I neared orgasm, I thought “Pull out! Pull out! It’ll make cleanup easier!” but my usual failsafe (fear of an unwanted pregnancy) was absent, so… hey, I got another chance to rehearse the ol’ “douche n’ scoop!” This time I put a towel underneath her to catch the jizzwater.

The next time I fucked her from behind, I experimented with ways to make her position feel more anatomically accurate. At one point, I set her clavicles onto a small piece of luggage and put a small briefcase under her thighs to create the true position her body would be in if she were a real person in that position. In this way, I could squeeze her boobs while fucking her ass from behind. I enjoyed it, but setting it up was quite a production for what was – yet again – a very short ride. I’m honestly considering fucking her with a condom just to last long enough to fully enjoy the experience!

It seems to me that one of the biggest selling points for a toy like this is the realism of something anatomically proportional with a realistic amount of heft. But despite her realistic weight and size, Tantaly hasn’t so much achieved realism as an enhanced fantasy version of realism. The breasts don’t feel like breasts, but it would be hot if breasts felt like that. I don’t think there are any vaginas or rectums with internal “pleasure nubs” but it would feel amazing if there were. Most partners won’t want you to slam into their holes with the full force of your body, but it would be fun if they did. These factors all add up to the heightened “fantasy-realism” of Monroe.

Two more details before I wrap up: It’s worth mentioning that after 7 uses over the course of 10 days, I noticed one small part of her skin (on the outside of her right thigh) looked very slightly damaged, as if its very surface were slightly peeling off. This might portend an unexpectedly quick deterioration of her materials, but it’s possible that something I did unduly caused the damage. Also (get this) if you decide to get rid of Monroe, you cannot ethically throw her in the trash; she’s made of high-quality TPE, so she must be recycled AND she may also be labeled as “bio-waste” due to “personal use.” So enjoy telling your local recycling center how the neighborhood kids must have pulled a prank by leaving her in your blue bin.

But here’s the big question: Is Monroe worth nearly $1,000? That’s hard to say. For the sake of comparison, I happen to have gotten plenty of enjoyment out of a smaller masturbator from Extreme Restraints that looks like a disembodied cross section of buttocks and vulva in a doggy-style position. It doesn’t feel as good as Monroe, and it’s nearly impossible to get into a truly realistic position, but it also retails for only $140, it’s easy to store, and I’ve never felt arm pain the day after using it. On the other hand, let’s consider who would be the perfect candidate for this kind of product: I imagine a lonely, bored, and/or sexually inexperienced guy who also has deep pockets. Maybe he wants a chance to practice with a life-size simulated partner before he starts having real sex. Maybe he’s afraid he’ll finish too quickly and wants to build up stamina. He either has a fair amount of storage space in his home, or he has a place where she can stay permanently. This guy also would ideally have decent upper-body strength. If all of these traits describe you, dear reader, then I think Monroe would be a great purchase.

But for the rest of you, let’s look at the pros and cons:

PROS:

  • Amazingly-textured orifices
  • Exciting proportions for those who love curves
  • Weight & heft add to the realism
  • Seriously, WOW these orifices, just WOW
  • Realistic size can allow realistic sexual positions
  • Useful for stamina training

CONS:

  • Heavy and unwieldy
  • Somewhat difficult to pose
  • Vagina placement prevents deep penetration from behind
  • Inconvenient to store/must be stored flat
  • Requires disciplined maintenance
  • Skin may begin to (slightly) deteriorate after few uses

Keep in mind that Tantaly sells a line of torso dolls with a variety of weights and sizes, so if you’re intrigued by the pros but turned off by some of the cons, you might consider one of their other models. As for the Monroe doll, she’s a partner with a few qualities that are more amazing than I’ve ever experienced, but they come at a steep price and aren’t without some annoying quirks… Hey wait, maybe she IS realistic after all!

Note from Kate: If you want to buy your own Monroe, you can use the code “GJMonroe10” to get 10% off! This post was sponsored, which means we were paid to write a fair and honest review of the product that was sent to my friend.

Review: Sohimi Rose Queen

Kate Sloan

Sometimes, when I talk to my younger sex blogger friends about the way things used to be in this industry, I feel like a cranky old man describing his uphill-both-ways trudge from home to school and back again. You kids don’t know how great you’ve got it, I imagine myself saying (lovingly). Back in my day, a $25 vibrator barely felt like anything at all, and even a $100 vibrator wasn’t guaranteed to get you off. Can you imagine?!

That last part, at least, is still true, and always will be: no toy can guarantee orgasms, because every person’s anatomy and preferences are different. I will say, however, that vibrators in the under-$80 price range used to, pretty consistently, feel like almost nothing to me. Either they’d be so weak that I’d yell “THAT’S IT?!” upon reaching the highest setting, or they’d be so buzzy that my genitals would go fully numb before an orgasm was even visible on the horizon, or (most commonly) both.

That’s not the case anymore. Which is fucking awesome.

The Sohimi Rose Queen, for example, costs only $38 at time of writing. Ten years ago, a vibe at this price point would have made me sigh, roll my eyes, and toss it across the room; this vibe, on the other hand, makes me come.

Apparently rose sex toys are hot right now. When I told my spouse that this Sohimi toy was on my docket, they asked, “Is it the TikTok-famous rose vibrator?” I looked it up, and it’s not – but evidently, other companies are cashing in on the sudden cultural cachet that clit-pleasing roses have accrued. Like the toy that recently blew up in popularity on the ‘Tok (I’m 29, am I allowed to call it that?), this one is a clitoral pressure-wave toy shaped like a lovely rose – but this one has, in addition, another end, which vibrates and can be used to stimulate the clit, G-spot, or pretty much anywhere else you please.

The clit-sucking end is not my favorite, but then, very very few toys in this category of products really do the trick for me. On this one, as with many others, the suction feels too immediately intense and too precisely focused on the very tip of my clit, creating a buzzy effect that tends to be more annoying than arousing. However, as I often do, I’ve tended to use this one positioned on top of my clit and stimulating it through the hood, and that feels much better. It still has a buzzy, insistent quality that just doesn’t excite my clit the way something deeper and thrummier like the Lelo Sila does, though.

Oddly, this is one of the few pressure-wave toys I’ve tried that’s actually noisier when it’s on your clit than when it’s not. I wouldn’t call it loud, exactly, but I’d want to close my door and turn some music on if I was planning to use this toy when anyone else was home.

The other side, the vibrating one, is even louder – it sounds a bit like someone is mowing their lawn in a neighboring yard. But I find it much more stimulating and satisfying. The vibrations sit somewhere in the middle of the buzzy-rumbly spectrum, rumbly enough that my internal clit feels sufficiently stimulated but buzzy enough to give the surface of my skin that “whoa!” sensation that sometimes prompts orgasms. Though these vibrations start at a higher intensity than I’d prefer, they can get me off quickly and consistently, albeit sometimes with the addition of me rubbing the toy against myself in circles to counteract the slight numbness brought on by that buzzy top note.

That numbness, by the way, gets into my fingers, too, when I use this toy. The entire length of this rose vibrator buzzes when the vibrations are on, making it hard to comfortably keep a grip on it. I like using it hands-free for this reason, clamping it between my thighs once it’s positioned where I want it on my clit.

Both ends of the toy offer a few different patterns as well as a few steady speeds. I tend to prefer steady speeds when the sensations are as intense as they are in this toy, because the addition of rhythm to the equation can be overwhelming, but to each their own.

The shaft of the vibrator is flexible enough to be comfortable when used internally (though not necessarily pleasurable – it lacks a G-spot curve or anything else that my vaginal erogenous zones tend to like). But it’s not quite flexible enough for you to use both ends of the toy at once (unless you’re using one and a partner’s using the other, of course!). I don’t much care for using the vibrating end internally; it’s just buzzy enough that it makes my intestines feel mildly weird instead of stimulating any pleasurable zones in there. That said, it is smooth and slim, and could work well for someone who’s just easing their way into penetrative play, or prefers penetration on the skinnier side.

The shape of this toy leads me to believe it could be safely used for anal, because of how it flares out when the “rose” part begins. Just be sure to use a lot of lube, because the silicone is quite draggy.

If you’re looking for an inexpensive toy that can both suck your clit and vibrate your bits (though not at the same time), you could do plenty worse than this rose sex toy by Sohimi. It’s a genuinely powerful dual-usage toy that goes for just $38. But you’ll have to be willing to put up with its quirks, namely its lack of lower settings, its propensity for vibrating the fuck out of your fingers, and its higher-than-ideal noise level. Like any rose, it’s got its thorns – and sometimes the pain is worth enduring for the pleasure of the rose itself.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. You can use the code GIRLY10 to get 10% off your purchase of this product.

Review: Funejoy Clitoral Sucking Egg Vibrator

Kate Sloan

People often tell me they wish they had my job, and I get it – but the truth is, it’s still a job, and a job means work, and work isn’t always fun. Sometimes I pout and groan and mope when I have to test a toy. Sometimes I flop dramatically onto my bed and announce to my spouse, “I don’t WANT to test toys today!!” Sometimes I would simply rather read a book, or play a video game, or write a sad personal essay than put a foreign object of uncertain quality onto my genitals with one hand while taking notes with the other. I know it sounds strange, but it’s true.

I was feeling similarly petulant about toy-testing the day that I first put the Funejoy Clitoral Sucking Egg Vibrator on my clit – and let me tell you, this toy changed my mind fast.

While described primarily as a suction toy, this little egg seems to also incorporate vibration into its design. I’ve tried plenty of toys that paired vibrations and pressure-waves in similar ways, but that pairing feels more seamless in this toy than in any others I’ve tried. The vibration (if indeed it is there) feels immediately way rumblier than what you’ll find on other toys of this type, and profoundly enhances the intense clitoral suction this toy can create.

“Intense” is, in fact, one of the main words I’d use to describe this toy. The suction/vibration combo makes even its lowest setting feel like a mid-range speed on a luxe rechargeable vibe (think Lelo or Jopen). While this will surely be a huge advantage for many users, for me it’s sort of a mixed bag; the “mouth” of this little egg is only really big enough to focus on the tip of my clit, the area that most vehemently dislikes overly intense stimulation. However, as with some other toys like this, I’ve found that it helps immensely to reposition the mouth so it sits on top of my clit, stimulating it through the clitoral hood. This softens the sensation substantially so that I can enjoy the toy’s intensity without tipping over into discomfort or pain. As a bonus, there’s an extra ring of silicone around the mouth that feels lovely on my labia during use.

There are 10 different modes available to you with this toy: 3 steady speeds and 7 patterns. The steady speeds aren’t as spaced-out as I would prefer, striking me instead as basically “high,” “higher,” and “highest.” Some of the patterns are too erratic and inconsistent for me to enjoy them, although they’d work well for intentional teasing, edging, or denial. A few of the patterns are uncomplicatedly pleasurable, though; I especially like the steady pulse modes, because there are almost no breaks between pulses and the pattern feels more like actual oral sex than steady stimulation does (particularly when well-lubed).

The cute egg shape of this toy has its benefits and its drawbacks. It’s aesthetically pleasing, doesn’t really “look like a sex toy,” and fits nicely in my hand. It’s probably too bulky to use while having penetrative sex in missionary position, unless you make some modifications to the position, but that same bulkiness makes it fantastic for hands-free play – just a little pressure from my thighs keeps it exactly where I need it. When using it this way, I can place one fingertip on the gently pointed end of the toy and thereby control its exact angle very precisely – and I don’t know about you, but angle of clitoral suction can make a lot of difference for me in terms of sensation, especially as I get closer to orgasm. This hands-free (or nearly-hands-free) method of using the toy also pairs especially well with cunnilingus fantasies, I find.

While it’s decently quiet while in use, this toy makes a slurpy racket when you’re positioning or repositioning it on your vulva, so it’s likely not the best choice if you need to remain nearly noiseless. That said, I wouldn’t generally expect a toy that costs $25 (!!) to be quiet anyway.

Yes, I did just say that the Funejoy Clitoral Sucking Egg Vibrator costs $25. I think that’s astonishingly reasonable, given that this toy is as powerful as some of my $120-150 vibrators and pressure wave toys, if not moreso. It’s also rechargeable and waterproof, both qualities you don’t tend to see at this price point. The main reason I’m shocked at its low price, though, is that it’s rumbly as hell. Unlike buzzy vibes, this one makes orgasm feel within reach for much of the time that I’m using it, and doesn’t seem to numb me out even after 5+ minutes of use. It makes my legs shake, and makes me feel – regardless of what mood I was in before – that testing sex toys isn’t worth moping about after all.

 

This review was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

7 Ways I Manage My Energy As a Chronically Ill Freelancer

Kate Sloan

There are many ways in which I am deeply privileged, and one of them is that I’ve been able to carve out a career for myself as a freelance media-maker working from home – which comes in handy an awful lot, seeing as I’m also chronically ill.

In my early 20s, I had an office job where my shifts went from 6 a.m. to 12 p.m.; I had to set my morning alarm for 4:45 a.m. to get out the door in time, and even then, I often arrived late, foggy-headed and clutching caffeine like a lifeline. I literally can’t imagine what it would be like to try to do that now, in my 29-year-old achy body that sometimes needs 2-3 days of rest to recover after carrying a load of groceries home.

Energy management has become a more and more important skill for me as my illness has gotten worse. It’s not easy, but usually it can be done. Here are some strategies I rely on; maybe they’ll help you, too, if you have issues balancing your energy levels enough to remain as productive as you want to be.

 

Change locations. You know how competitive swimmers often shave their body hair so they’ll be more aerodynamic (or, uh, aquadynamic)? That’s a great illustration of a principle I find paramount while living with chronic illness: If a task is hard, lessen or eliminate every changeable factor that is making it harder, even if those changes seem small or insignificant. They add up.

This is why, when I’m having a bad pain/fatigue day, sometimes I won’t even sit at my desk when I start work – I’ll just roll over, grab my iPad, and work in bed. Or curl up on my couch with my phone and start answering emails. If I feel depressed or isolated, sometimes I’ll take my iPad or notebook outside with me, and get some work done in a park or on a bench somewhere. All of these alternate locations can feel less physically and mentally demanding, somehow, than sitting at my desk – and that can make a big difference in my overall output.

 

Take breaks to rest. I used to “rest” mid-workday by eating lunch at my desk while watching a YouTube video, or (even worse) catching up on articles I’d been meaning to read. But this isn’t really rest, in my opinion – or at least, it’s not sufficiently restful to charge me up in the way I need when my workflow is interrupted by fatigue.

I’ve learned that I need to take at least 1-2 periods of actual rest during any given workday. For me, that looks like spending anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour lying in bed, doing something very low-effort like reading a not-super-cerebral book, listening to a podcast, playing a video game on my Nintendo 3DS, or literally just lying there. It makes a HUGE difference for me; I find myself much more alert and able to work after resting for a while.

I’ll also take naps as needed, complete with an eye mask and earplugs (would recommend), but I try to limit those because they can fuck with my sleep schedule.

 

Weekend Wednesday! My spouse’s company is currently testing out a 4-day work week program, after news of excellent results emerged from other companies doing the same. They’re taking Fridays off – but I’ve recently started doing something similar: taking Wednesdays off.

There was one glorious semester during my time at journalism school when I had classes on Monday and Tuesday, and on Thursday and Friday, but none on Wednesday. It meant I could take a break, in the very center of my week, to recoup and prepare for the rest of the week. Sometimes I’d sleep all day, if that’s what I needed; sometimes I’d catch up on homework, do some errands, spend time with family, go to doctors’ appointments… whatever I wanted or needed to get done, but didn’t have the energy to do after 6-hour lectures on digital journalism ethics.

I recently decided to try to return to this routine. CGP Grey calls this practice “Weekend Wednesday” (although, in his version, you work on Saturdays to make up for it – which I don’t do if I can help it). It has helped a ton; my Thursdays and Fridays go much smoother now that I’m not totally run-down and haggard by the time they arrive. I think calling this practice by its cute alliterative name somehow legitimizes it in my mind; I no longer feel guilty about taking the entire day off each week. I know I’m extremely lucky to be able to do this.

 

To-do lists galore. I can’t manage my energy effectively if I don’t even know what energy-expending tasks will be expected of me on any given day. Every morning, I write out my tasks for the day in my Notes app. Sometimes – especially on days when I feel under the weather – I’ll write myself (or ask my partner to write me) a schedule, with certain tasks assigned for certain times of the day. This allows me to map out everything I have to get done and space everything out appropriately.

I also find to-do lists helpful on days when I can’t get everything done, because instead of despairing about what a failure I am, I can just move those items to the following day’s list, and trust that I’ll do them then.

 

Spacing & pacing. There was a time, earlier in my life, when I could have, say, recorded 2 podcasts, written a blog post, had a catch-up phone call with a friend, cooked dinner from scratch, and gone to a party, all in one day. There was a time – but that time is no longer.

I’m in the privileged position now of (usually) being able to space out my appointments and deadlines in a way that respects my waning energy levels. I try, for example, to never schedule more than one podcast recording in a day, because they’re one of the most energetically draining things I do all week. I also try to keep big assignments’ deadline days completely open, so I can spend the whole day polishing and editing, without needing to stress about getting anything else done.

When I find myself overbooked, I schedule at least an hour of rest between activities – and if I can’t do that, I plan to take it easy the following day, because I’ll need to.

 

Maintain boundaries. As many freelancers have learned the hard way, “I create my own work schedule” can all too easily devolve into “I work all the time.” I used to, but now I do not, because I cannot.

These days, my work hours are generally 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.; I’ve learned from experience that while I can work outside of those hours, the quality of the work tends to suffer if I do. It is difficult sometimes to hold this boundary, particularly when it comes to scheduling guests on my podcasts, but I try my best to stick to it, because even the coolest, most captivating guest would prefer to talk to the version of me who isn’t slurring from fatigue and distracted by pain zaps.

I have to maintain time- and energy-related boundaries in my personal life as well as my professional life. Often, this means leaving a social event while I’m still having fun, so I can get back to my bed before the ton-o’-bricks that is fatigue finally hits me. It sucks, but it’s necessary self-care, and also keeps my friends from having to deal with my tired, irritable self at those times.

 

Respect the body’s natural rhythms. As I mentioned, I tend to work from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. (if that), and that’s because I’ve observed that those are my most productive hours. I was only able to discover this for myself after quitting the dayjob that had required me to get up at 9 a.m. for 4 years. Life suddenly felt less cloudy, depressing and demoralizing once I was able to wake up whenever my body felt like waking up. (This same effect is also why, incidentally, I very nearly failed the only 8 a.m. university class I was ever forced to take, solely because it was at 8 a.m. Classic.)

Fellow chronically ill writer Esmé Wang has written before about getting her best work done between the hours of 4 a.m. and 9 a.m. That’s inspirational to me – to know yourself and your body well enough that you can design your life to suit your needs, and to unapologetically hold those boundaries. Ah, bliss.

 

Fellow chronically ill babes, what are your preferred strategies for managing your energy well enough to stay relatively productive?