What Are Your Professional Boundaries?

Kate Sloan

Some spiritual traditions posit that souls are reincarnated, and that some souls spend entire lifetimes trying to make amends for, or improve upon, things they did in previous lifetimes. If this is true, it seems clear to me that I must have been sent to this earth to work on my boundary-setting. It is a theme that has haunted my life.

For one thing, I’m a woman, and that’s a gender group our society explicitly encourages to be bad at boundary-setting. Women are supposed to juggle a career, housework, caretaking of their partner and/or children, and their own self-care, all while somehow being “chill” about the amount of physical, emotional, and logistical work thrust upon them. Women are also routinely encouraged to ignore or suspend our own boundaries in the realm of the romantic and sexual, chiefly because it often benefits shitty men when we do so. (Yuck.)

I’m also a freelancer and a person who works from home, two oft-overlapping identities that make a person even more vulnerable to having their boundaries bent or overstepped. Freelancers may experience bosses and editors expecting quick responses to any and all communiqué, work overflowing past the hours allotted for it (often without additional pay), and friends and family assuming we’re available at all times simply because we set our own schedules. It’s a nightmarish career for anyone who struggles with boundary-setting!

…Except that it doesn’t have to be. Whether you see it as a spiritual lesson or a purely practical one, there is much to be learned from having your boundaries repeatedly steamrolled in settings both personal and professional. The better I get at protecting my own energy and time through ruthless boundary-setting, the stronger and happier I feel overall. It’s a fantastic skillset to develop, for so many reasons. I’m not always as good at it as I’d like to be, but it feels great when I am.

One of the reasons I’ve been obsessed with boundary-setting in recent years is that my chronic illness has gotten worse and worse. My flare-ups are triggered by stress, among other things, so stress reduction is a top-level priority for me at this point. One of my new year’s resolutions for 2021 was to eliminate as many unnecessary stressors as humanly possible from my life this year, and setting better boundaries in my work life is a key way I’ve been doing that.

 

Here are some of my current professional boundaries:

  • I only work between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., and only on weekdays. This includes work-related writing, answering business emails/DMs/etc., doing research for articles, and so on. Past 5 p.m., and on weekends, I am unavailable for business interactions. There are 2 exceptions to this rule: 1) If I’m genuinely excited to work on something – such as if inspiration for a fun blog post suddenly strikes on a Saturday – then it’s okay to work on it at any time, so long as I’m not pushing myself too hard. 2) I sometimes have to do podcast recordings outside of work hours due to guests’ scheduling needs, which is fine. I’ll just try to rest for an equivalent amount of time during the next work day to make up for it.
  • I do not accept writing assignments that pay less than $0.20 per word. (If the assignment in question offers a flat rate or an hourly rate instead of a per-word rate, I’ll try to convert it to per-word to figure out whether it meets this standard.) In the early days of my career, it made some sense to take on low-paying (and even unpaid) assignments much more often, to build my portfolio, skillset, brand, and professional network – but with two book deals and countless bylines under my belt, I deserve and expect better payment these days. I sometimes consider lower-paying gigs if they offer some combination of creative freedom, a topic I find fascinating, a prestigious byline, fun perks (e.g. free travel), and/or cool collaborators, but for the most part, I’d rather have fewer projects (even if that means making less money overall) than feel resentful of the low-paying work I’ve allowed into my life.
  • I don’t generally accept feedback on my writing from people who have not actually read the piece(s) they are criticizing. I used to think theirs was a valid form of critique in some ways, but there have just been too many baffling instances of people becoming angry or upset because of what they assume I’ve written, having not even read what I’ve actually written. Almost all of the time, the points they’re making are already addressed in the piece, and sometimes we even agree with each other. You cannot reason with someone who is arguing from a place of presumption and bad faith. Reading someone’s work is the lowest possible bar you have to clear before you’re able to critique it in a coherent, accurate, and good-faith manner.
  • I don’t write things I don’t really believe, ever. That means, among other things, that I don’t accept sponsored post assignments from clients who demand fraudulently positive reviews of their products/services. Everything on this blog (except for a handful of guest posts written by people I personally invited to contribute) is written by me and reflects an opinion I actually hold (or, at least, an opinion I held at the time that I wrote it).

 

Despite how clearly necessary these boundaries are, it can be surprisingly hard sometimes to hold firm when they are pushed. This is why I have certain stock phrases/messages I can send to firmly but kindly express my boundaries, such as:

  • “That rate is too low for me, but best of luck!”
  • “For your future reference, I work Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. ET and am otherwise out of office.”
  • “From your suggested rate, it sounds like you’re looking for an entry-level writer. As you know from my portfolio, that isn’t me, so it sounds like we’re not a fit at this time.”

 

Some such sentences sound embarrassingly self-aggrandizing (particularly when you have impostor syndrome!), such that I sometimes have to give myself a little pep talk before I can hit “send.” I often have to remind myself to avoid language that softens my boundary (e.g. “Just a reminder that I mostly only work on weekdays…” or “Usually my rate is at least double that, but…”) and to remain firm in my tone. Sometimes I’ll have an assertive, communication-savvy friend or partner read over my message before I send it, to make sure I’m expressing myself clearly and kindly. Or sometimes I just trust myself and click “send” easily, knowing I’m doing the right thing for myself and that any client worth having will respect my boundaries wholeheartedly.

Standing up for myself is simultaneously one of the scariest things I ever do and one of the most empowering. It doesn’t always feel comfortable – or even possible – but whenever I manage to do it, my life gets easier, calmer, and happier. My achy body appreciates the reduction in stress immensely – and my nervous brain appreciates the reminder that my needs and wants are just as important as everybody else’s.

5 Yummy Summer Cocktails

Kate Sloan

Summer is well and truly upon us, and my city is reopening after lockdown, meaning soon I’ll be able to return to my solo-date tradition of sitting on a cocktail bar patio with a good book and not a care in the world. Blissful!

To celebrate, here are the recipes for cocktails I love to sip in summer, incase you, too, are craving refreshing libations. (Be sure to also check out my previous post of cocktail recipes to learn about the Southside, possibly my all-time favorite summer drink.)

Margarita

As a white lady, I won’t claim to be any kind of margarita expert. Really, the thing to do is go to the best Mexican restaurant in your city/town and order their margarita – just the basic/traditional version, nothing fancy. (Try as I might, I can’t seem to make a margarita as delicious as the giant ones served at Toronto’s El Catrin.)

That said, this drink is so classically summery that I appreciate being able to make one at home if I feel like it. Here’s the specs I use…

Ingredients:

  • 1.5 oz tequila
  • 0.75 oz fresh-squeezed lime juice
  • 0.75 oz Cointreau
  • 0.25 oz agave syrup (or simple syrup if you don’t have it)

Run the juicy part of a lemon slice around the rim of a glass to get it sticky, and then gently roll the lemony rim against a pile of salt on a plate until you get your glass as salt-rimmed as you want it. Then, combine all above ingredients in a cocktail shaker, add ice, and shake until well-chilled. Strain into glass over ice (or sans ice if you prefer).

Black Walnut

This is one of the house drinks at Northwood, a local bar I like very much. I have no idea what their actual recipe is, but this version was devised by my partner Matt when I told them I missed being able to sip this drink. They did a bunch of research on it and messaged with one of our bartender friends to try to figure out an approximation of the Black Walnut as served at Northwood, and I think it tastes very close to the real thing!

Ingredients:

Add all ingredients to a cocktail shaker. Add ice and shake until well-chilled. Strain into glass over a big ice cube. Garnish with a cinnamon stick.

*To make cinnamon demerara syrup: Bring 2 cups of water to a boil on the stovetop, then reduce heat to medium-low and add 1 cup of demerara sugar + a few crumbled cinnamon sticks. Stir continuously until all the sugar is dissolved. For maximum cinnamon flavor, let steep for anywhere from 1 hour to overnight. Then, strain mixture into a bottle.

**To make walnut tea-infused rum: Add ~2 tablespoons of black walnut tea to a bottle of white rum (I like Bacardi’s). Shake vigorously. Let infuse for at least 2 hours, then strain and return to bottle.

Daiquiri #2

This is a fruitier, even more summery take on the classic daiquiri, which traditionally contains just lime juice, rum, and a little sugar. I like this orange-centric version because it reminds me of tropical vacations.

Ingredients:

  • 2 oz white rum
  • 0.75 oz fresh-squeezed lime juice
  • 0.5 oz simple syrup
  • 1 teaspoon fresh-squeezed orange juice
  • 1 teaspoon curaçao

Add all ingredients to cocktail shaker with ice and shake until well-chilled. Double-strain into a coupe glass. Garnish with an orange twist.

Jungle Bird

My spouse introduced me to this formidable drink. It feels like a super grown-up cocktail due to the way it balances sweetness with bitterness so well, especially compared to other fruity drinks.

Ingredients:

  • 1.5 oz dark rum
  • 1.5 oz pineapple juice
  • 0.75 oz Campari
  • 0.5 oz lime juice
  • 0.5 oz simple syrup

Add all ingredients to cocktail shaker with ice and shake until well-chilled. Strain into an old-fashioned glass over a big ice cube. Garnish with a pineapple frond and/or orange slice.

Jasmine

This drink, too, is a nice interplay between sweetness and bitterness. I first had it when my partner and I decided to watch the movie Blue Jasmine together and wanted a thematically appropriate cocktail to sip during the film. Cate Blanchett’s character in that movie, Jasmine, probably would have liked this drink – it’s bright, refined, and a little quirky.

Ingredients:

  • 1.5 oz gin (ideally a London dry gin like Tanqueray or Bombay Sapphire)
  • 0.75 oz fresh-squeezed lemon juice
  • 1 oz Cointreau
  • 0.5 oz Campari

Add all ingredients to cocktail shaker with ice and shake until well-chilled. Strain into a coupe glass. Garnish with a lemon twist.

What have you been sipping lately?

Bo Burnham’s “Inside” is a Fucking Masterpiece

Kate Sloan

Content note: This post contains discussions of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

 

I think some of my friends think I’ve lost my mind a little bit. I keep talking about Bo Burnham lately, and I think many of the people in my life are like, “Wait. What? Isn’t that the kid from YouTube who wrote shitty songs making fun of every marginalized group under the sun? You’re into HIM now?”

Well, to be fair, I’ve unironically (though sometimes surreptitiously) loved Bo for over a decade, in part because it’s clear that a lot of his past missteps were just pointed leftist irony that viewers didn’t interpret as such, being (reasonably) hesitant to assume a cis straight white guy has good intentions. (“If you were offended by that, it was ironic,” Bo explains after performing a song called Straight White Male in his special Make Happy. “Isn’t that fun? I meant the whole opposite of it!” The tone is jokey, but like… he’s right. That is what he, and other irony-based crooners, do.) It’s fine if you don’t forgive him; you don’t have to. BUT ALSO, he has come a long way since those YouTube days. Like, a loooooooong way.

Bo’s latest Netflix special, Inside, touched me in a way that no piece of art has in a very long time. Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette came close, as did the movie Ex Machina and the Andy Shauf album The Neon Skyline. All of these works of art accessed deep wells of emotion in me through razor-sharp relatability and big themes. But I really think Inside might be my favorite piece of art I’ve consumed – in any medium – for at least the last five years. I’m not fucking kidding, y’all.

If you haven’t seen it, first of all, SEE IT, and secondly, here’s what it’s about: Bo, like many of us, found himself cooped up inside during the pandemic, socially isolated and inundated with terrible news on the internet every day. But unlike many of us, he had the technical skills and creative vision to sequester himself in a single room with a camera, a lighting setup, and a bunch of audio equipment, and create a 90-minute musical comedy special that somehow expresses a giant range of quarantine emotions and 2020 Big Moods.

Toward the beginning of Inside, Bo’s hair is beginning to get long, a beard is forming on his face, and he seems merely perplexed and thrown by the pandemic, like we all were. As the special progresses, however, his hair grows longer, his beard expands, and his mental health starts to slip. But he keeps making the special anyway. We learn, through his occasional tiny disclosures of big truths, that working on the special has become his tether to the world, the one thing keeping him semi-afloat as his mental health reaches “an ATL (all-time low).” As a creative who has, myself, used writing or music or podcasting to give me a sense of purpose and belonging when I was unable to find one any other way, this resonated so hard that I often found myself yelling “WOW” or “YIKES” or “DRAG ME, BO” at the screen.

Bo’s songwriting has levelled up IMMENSELY since his last special, Make Happy. As a music nerd, that’s one of the main things I noticed on my initial watch of Inside. He was always a highly skilled lyricist and pianist, but his songs until now have mostly stayed within a pretty small range of chord progressions and styles. In this special, he reaches almost Sondheimian levels of intricacy and beauty with his songwriting, and explores styles like hiphop, folk, and cabaret. It feels like his ability to execute a project has finally caught up with his creativity and vision, such that every song in this special functions wonderfully as an actual song, rather than just being a framing device for Bo’s clever jokes and witty observations.

I can’t possibly tell you about all my favorite parts of this special because there are frankly too many. But here are a few:

• An early song, “Healing the World with Comedy,” gets us all on the same page, in Bo’s signature half-joking-but-kinda-serious style. He establishes right off the bat that he knows comedy is simultaneously pretty useless in the face of worldwide strife and also potentially a platform through which he can effect change. As an artist who also sometimes struggles with the question of “Why the fuck am I doing this when so much awful shit is going on?” I found this one screamingly hilarious and also useful as a reminder to use my platform for good. “If you wake up in a house that’s full of smoke, don’t panic – call me and I’ll tell you a joke,” Bo offers; “If you see white men dressed in white cloaks, don’t panic – call me and I’ll tell you a joke.” It’s a chilling reminder that art can only do so much.

• There are two sort of silly-sexy jams in this special, called, respectively, “FaceTime with My Mom” and “Sexting,” which are about… exactly what they sound like they’re about. In a very classic Bo Burnham way, these songs crack you up for most of their duration and then hit you with an unexpected emotional punch – like when Bo’s mom puts his dad on the phone and they have a stilted, emotionally disconnected conversation (#relatable) or like the one frame in “Sexting” where you can read Bo’s paragraph-long textual meditation on the line between playfully begging to see someone’s nudes and pressuring them in a way that feels uncomfortable. Also, these songs are both absolute bops.

• There’s a lot of… gender… in this special?? There is, in fact, an entire song (“White Woman’s Instagram”) where Bo is essentially in drag, albeit with a beard. And, um, my gay ass can confirm that he is pulling it off. I was wondering what other people thought about this, so I typed “Bo Burnham gender” into the Twitter search bar, and there are dozens upon dozens of trans and nonbinary people tweeting that Bo gives them gender envy. Understandable, tbh.

• An extended bit in which Bo does “commentary” on one of his own songs, and then does commentary on his commentary, is a brilliant depiction of the self-criticism and self-policing that can come with depression and anxiety. He does something similar in another section where he takes on the role of a hyper-masc Twitch streamer playing a video game that is actually just Bo’s own life: sit in a room, cry, play piano, go to sleep, start the day over again. Both of these bits crystallize an overarching theme of dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, and the way that the internet encourages us to view ourselves and our lives through an externalized lens.

• One of the prettiest songs in the special laments, “Can one be funny when stuck in a room?” In reflecting on his own past tendencies to self-isolate as a protective mechanism, Bo sings, “Well, well! Look who’s inside again! Went out to look for a reason to hide again,” at which point I felt like someone had stabbed me through the heart because DAMN, @ ME NEXT TIME, BO.

• Speaking of Bo’s (numerous) past fuck-ups, there is a song toward the middle of the special where Bo fully, explicitly, and sensitively apologizes for the problematic jokes he built his fame on. “Are you gonna hold me accountable?” he dares, almost begs. In classic Bo fashion, the song is simultaneously self-reflective and hilarious. It’s filmed as an athletic scene reminiscent of a Rocky training montage, which contributes to the overall image of masochistic self-flagellation and doing penance for past mistakes. I kept screaming at the screen “I CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S DOING THIS” at this point, because it really is that rare to see someone of Bo’s demographic owning up to what they’ve done. “Bitch, I’m trying to listen; shit, I’ve been complacent,” he sings toward the end. “If I wanna catch up, first I gotta ‘fess up.” Too true.

• Bo’s really bummed about turning 30 during the making of the special because he thought he’d be done with the special, and ideally with the pandemic, by then. Again… relatable as fuck. Then he sings a song about turning 30 which is a beautiful meditation on aging, feeling “out of touch,” resenting others who are “adulting” better than you are, and just generally mourning the passage of time. He does his own light show during this song, pressing pedals and rotating a handheld light around his nearly-naked body, orchestrating his own vulnerable self-exposure. (There is also a whole lotta bisexual lighting and genderless hotness in this song, tbh.)

• The catchiest song from the whole special, in my opinion, is a Lizzo-esque hiphop/pop tune that begins thusly: “Wake up at 11:30, feeling like a bag of shit. All my clothes are dirty, so I’m smelling like a bag of shit.” It goes on to paint a perfect picture of not only depression (which many other artists have tackled) but the specific brand of dark, self-effacing humor that can emerge out of a bad depressive spell. It’s not the most thematically complex song, especially compared to some of the others in this special, but it’s the one I find myself singing the most, and laughing at so hard that my depressed body shakes. (I’m listening to it right now as I write this, and dancing in my chair.) There is also just something about seeing a person perform a slick, upbeat song with perfect lighting choreography… while wearing a white T-shirt and baggy shorts. You get me, Bo.

• Probably the objectively best song in the special is “Welcome to the Internet,” an absolutely chilling and devastating takedown of the internet and the ways it corrupts our minds. After I watched this for the first time with my spouse, they observed, “I think that’s the best thing that’s ever been written about the internet,” and I had to agree. That’s high praise, friends.

• A low-key folk song toward the end of the special grapples with existential dread, climate change anxiety, and dissociation in the internet age. It’s the prettiest Bo’s voice has ever sounded, and perhaps the most sensitive and sincere he’s ever been. “There it is again,” he croons sweetly, sadly, “that funny feeling.” He never names exactly what “that funny feeling” is, but by the end of the song, I always feel like, Yep. I know that feeling. I know it well.

 

Overall, I simply cannot recommend this special enough for anyone who struggles with mental health, their relationship to the internet, the weirdness of being a public figure, and/or mounting dread about the state of humanity. It’s a “comedy special,” sure. It’s also a fucking masterpiece that depicts, better than anything I’ve ever seen or heard, what it’s like to be a certain type of human in this terrifying time. It’s given me comfort, solace, and laughs – if just because it showed me that I’m not the only one feeling “that funny feeling.” Not at all.

A Penis Size FAQ

Kate Sloan

 

Does penis size matter?

The short answer: It matters to some people, and less so (or not at all) to others. Whatever your size, the important thing is to find a partner (or partners) who enjoy it. Those people exist, regardless of what size you are, I promise.

Longer answer: Anyone who tells you penis size universally doesn’t matter is lying to you, but anyone who tells you penis size always matters, or that bigger is always better, is lying to you too. The truth is that different people have different preferences. I know you want a simple answer, but there isn’t one, because human sexuality is infinitely vast and variable, and so are human bodies.

There are “size queens” out there, yes. There are people who are shitty and judgmental about penis size out there, yes. However, there are also people who prefer smaller dicks because they find them more comfortable, less painful, easier to accommodate orally or anally, more aesthetically pleasing, or any number of other things. As with literally everything sexuality-related, we’re all different and it’s just a matter of finding the person/people you’re compatible with.

Keep in mind, too, that the vast majority of people with vaginas don’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. The clitoris, not the vagina, is the pleasure equivalent of the penis – meaning that pleasure and orgasm without clitoral stimulation are about as rare and as difficult as pleasure and orgasm without any penile stimulation (i.e. certainly not unheard of, but not the default for most people). Penises aren’t generally magic orgasm-producing machines for the people you fuck them with, and that’s true regardless of their size.

 

Does penis size matter to you, personally?

Sure, in that I have a different experience with different penis sizes, in much the same way that a huge dildo feels different from a smaller one. Neither is inherently better than the other. It depends entirely on my mood, where I am in my cycle, any health issues I’m going through at the moment, which erogenous zone(s) I’m hoping to target, what fantasies I’m enjoying recently, and other such variables.

 

What does “average-sized” mean in the context of penis size? / What “counts” as big or small?

Studies generally find that the average penis size is in the neighborhood of 5 to 5.5 inches long. I would personally define a big dick as being 7” long or more, and a small dick as being 3.5” or less, but keep in mind that a) there’s nothing inherently wrong with having a small or large dick, as discussed, b) that doesn’t take girth into account and it can be a pretty huge factor (so to speak), and c) different people will define these terms differently depending on their preferences and amount of experience.

If you’re wondering if your penis is “normal,” 1) it probably is, and 2) a doctor can answer that question for you better than I can if you’re really worried.

 

Can I change my dick size?

There are surgeries for this, but I wouldn’t recommend them. They seem risky and not all that necessary. There are also pills/supplements whose makers claim they can alter your dick size, but I’ve seen zero evidence that this is at all accurate.

In my experience, usually body-related insecurities are more about your preconceptions and perceptions than your actual body (barring certain potential exceptions like gender dysphoria), so if you’re worried your dick isn’t pleasurable enough, you’d be better off upping your oral sex game and getting really good at wielding dildos than getting a dangerous procedure to alter your most sensitive organ based on your limited notion of what partners might find pleasurable.

Penis pumps enlarge the penis temporarily, and are sometimes used regularly over time to encourage penile growth, especially for transmasculine folks’ dicks after going on testosterone. I also know that there are stretching devices that can lengthen your dick when used in the long-term, sort of like braces for your penis. But again, personally, I don’t consider these measures worthwhile when there are so many other ways you can work on your sexual skill and sexual confidence.

Aside from surgery, I don’t know of any way to make your penis smaller.

 

What if my partner doesn’t find my dick size satisfying?

Well, first off, if they’re expressing that to you in a way that feels hurtful and mean, that’s a red flag. Body-shaming of any kind in a relationship is almost always a bad sign about your partner’s attitudes on bodies and their ability to be tactful and polite.

Beyond that, if you want to give your partner the sensation of getting fucked with a larger cock, you can use silicone penis extenders, fuck your partner with a dildo (possibly one that is strapped onto your body with a harness), use your fingers/hand, or use a penis pump immediately prior to sex. Check out the /r/SmallDickProblems subreddit for more advice.

If your dick is too big for your partner, you can try using an Ohnut to limit the amount of length you can fuck them with, use smaller dildos/strap-ons on them, use your fingers, use a hell of a lot more lube, do more “foreplay,” or just do non-penetrative sexual activities. (As noted above, most people with vulvas get off most readily from clitoral stimulation anyway.) The /r/BigDickProblems subreddit also contains lots of advice on this.

Presumably, your partner is attracted to you because of who you are, not just what your dick can do. If that’s not the case, you may not be in a healthy and emotionally safe relationship.

 

What’s more important: length or girth?

Again, depends entirely on the person, and may change from day to day or from moment to moment. There isn’t just one “right answer” to this question, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you, probably to make you feel insecure and/or sell you something.

Length may be important if your partner likes A-spot stimulation or cervix stimulation, for example, while girth may be important if they like intense G-spot or prostate contact. Some people may want a shorter or skinnier dick for comfort reasons, or because those can hit their spots more easily.

Hell, I’m a sex toy reviewer and thus intimately familiar with my own preferences, and even I can’t say definitively whether I care more about length or girth, because it depends on the day, the sensations I’m seeking, any health issues I’m going through, etc. Luckily, sex toys exist, so I don’t have to rely on a partner’s penis to provide any and all penetrative sensations I might be craving at any given time. (Sensing a theme here?)

 

How big does a penis have to be to hit the G-spot or prostate?

Usually about 2-3″ long, ideally with a curve (either upward or downward will work, depending on the position). However, again, sex toys are great for this. In many cases they’re better than dicks at hitting these spots. (I recommend the Pure Wand and Seduction.)

 

How big does a penis have to be to hit the A-spot?

I think a lot of people assume I am a hardcore size queen because I like A-spot stimulation, but… nah. Many partners of mine have been able to reach my A-spot easily with their fingers, including those with shorter/smaller fingers. It’s all about angling and positioning. Have the receptive partner pull their knees closer to their chest to shorten the vagina’s length, and you’ll have an easier time reaching the A-spot with your dick, your fingers, or a toy. Anything upwards of about 5″ can hit my spot just fine, and sex toys exist anyway so it’s not like a penis is the only option here.

 

Will using a dildo that’s larger than my penis make my partner leave me/like my dick less?

Unless your partner is literally only dating you for the usage of your penis, no, it’s unlikely that anything like this will happen. I know that it’s easy in a phallocentric culture to feel like your penis is the only thing tethering you to social and sexual success (whatever the hell that means), but there is more to a relationship – and more to sex – than the size of your cock, I promise.

A dildo cannot pay attention to your partner’s signs and speed up or slow down or fuck harder or softer as needed, the way you can. A dildo cannot whisper filthy shit in your partner’s ear or roleplay their favorite fantasy with them like you can. A dildo cannot hold them close after they come and make them feel safe and loved the way you can. You are so much more than a dildo, and you can do so much more than a dildo can. If you don’t know/believe that, consider working through your self-esteem issues with a therapist – you deserve to recognize your own value as a human being beyond your genitals!

 

What condom is best for my penis size?

Many people don’t know that condom fit can have an enormous impact on how pleasurable and comfortable sex is for you. I would suggest checking out the Find Your Size page on LuckyBloke for an introduction to this.

Keep in mind, when shopping for condoms, that many are labeled in misleading ways (e.g. Trojan Magnum condoms are the same size as some other brands’ standard/medium size), so looking at the measurements will give you a better idea of potential fit than the product’s branding will.

If you want a super custom fit, One makes a condom line called MyONE that seems to be the best option for people who chronically struggle with condom sizing. My partner got to try some in their size recently and really liked them; they said it felt like wearing a perfectly tailored suit.

 

If you’re accustomed to a particular penis size, is it normal to have trouble adjusting to/enjoying a different-sized one?

Sure, especially if you have very particular preferences (which isn’t morally wrong or anything, and is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you’re not shitty about it).

Sex toys are your friends. They can help you access sensations you’re not otherwise able to access, including the sensations of being penetrated by something smaller or larger than your current partner’s penis. Don’t frame this as a shaming thing if/when you bring it up; you don’t want to give your partner a traumatic complex about their dick. Size is just one variable of sexual sensation, and there doesn’t have to be a value judgment attached to the idea of wanting to be fucked by something smaller or larger.

As mentioned above, silicone dick extenders and strap-ons can help if you really want to feel like your partner is fucking you with a dick that’s a different size from their own.

 

Does ball size matter?

To some people, yeah. Everything you can think of matters to someone. I have never really cared about this or even noticed variances in ball size all that much, personally, though.

 

Will dick size affect my experience with a stroker?

Potentially, yes. While many of these toys are at least partially flexible/squishy, some have less give than others. If you’re on the larger side, I’d suggest searching the names of any potential purchases in the /r/BigDickProblems subreddit to see if anyone there has reviewed that toy for their particular dimensions. If you’re on the smaller side, I’d recommend toys by Tenga, which tend to be snugger-fitting than, say, Fleshlights. It’s always a good idea to read sex toy review blogs, too; some reviewers mention their dick size, so you can more easily compare their anatomy to your own and find out whether the toy they liked would work for you too.

 

Do big dicks stretch out vaginas/anuses?

Temporarily? Yes. Permanently? No. These orifices are made of tissue that can expand as needed to accommodate various sizes of penetrating objects, but reverts to its original position/size in due time afterward. Anything you’ve ever heard about loose, stretched-out pussies or butts is a medically misinformed myth, usually propagated with the intention of discrediting and dehumanizing anyone perceived as being a “slut.” I know you don’t want to participate in a practice as vile and demeaning as systemic slut-shaming, so I know you’re not going to perpetuate this myth anymore. Right?

 

How does transitioning affect penis size for trans and non-binary people?

I’m cis and don’t have firsthand experience with this, but would recommend anything written by Ana Valens on the subject (for transfeminine people). As for transmasculine folks, here’s an episode of the Dildorks where I talked with Bex about his T-dick growth (among other things), and this article by Oak is also great.

 

Is there any equivalent insecurity to penis size that people with vaginas have?

You know, every time I’ve been asked this, I’ve immediately thought that for cis women (the only gender group I’ve been a part of, and thus the only gendered experience I can directly speak to), our entire bodies are scrutinized and criticized in similar ways to how penis size is discussed for cis men. Our overall body size, boob size, vaginal tightness, vaginal scent and taste, and capacity for vaginal lubrication are some more specific areas where we’re encouraged to be desperately insecure and self-hating. I don’t think these things are directly comparable because they manifest somewhat differently, but, short answer: yes. People with penises don’t have a monopoly on feeling shockingly profound shame and self-doubt about the sexual attractiveness and viability of their bodies. That widespread shame sucks, and it needs to change – for everyone, of every gender and body type.

 

What questions do you hear a lot about penis size?

Behind the Seams: Vaccine Queen

Kate Sloan

May 16, 2021

A while ago, I read an article about people getting dressed up for their vaccinations. This idea immediately resonated with me: I love dressing up for things and find that it helps imbue events with extra significance for me. The ritual of assembling my femme ensemble helps me feel more put-together, centered, and prepared.

Shortly after reading that article, I wrote a poem about why it would feel emotionally impactful to wear something cute to a vax appointment. I won’t share it here because I’m waiting to hear back about potential publication, but one of the things I wrote in the poem was that I wanted to wear a leopard-print dress to show I was still wild after a year+ of captivity. On the day of my actual first dose, I hovered in front of my closet, trying to decide which dress would be best, and then I remembered that poem as my eyes alit on this leopard-print dress. Of course! It was the natural choice.

I got a lot of compliments on my look as I waited in line outside the clinic. I hadn’t realized, until people started commenting on it, that I’d inadvertently adorned myself with multiple rainbow hearts. The nurse who gave me my shot complimented my pen and pencil tattoo. Overall, a wonderful day.

 

What I’m wearing:

• Leopard-print skater dress – American Apparel, via eBay
• Black KN95 mask layered under a Pride heart mask from Threadless
• Red sparkly heart necklace – Tarina Tarantino
• Rainbow heart prescription sunglasses – Zenni
• Pink leather Cashin Carry tote – Coach (a findom gift from my love)
• Black leather harness boots – Frye

May 27, 2021

My psychiatrist told me recently (as he’s told me many times before) that I should try to go on more walks. “I always tell my patients to do that,” he said, “but recently I took some time off and started going on daily walks myself, and wow, it really makes a difference!” Unfortunately for my lazy ass, he’s right.

My dominant asked me what they could do to incentivize me to take more walks, and after pondering it a bit, I replied that I thought they should put “take a walk” on my to-do list on days when my workload seemed lighter, and provide a small assignment to do on the walk, something specific to photograph. I felt that would give me motivation, momentum, a goal.

It’s been working out well so far. I wore this outfit on a nice springtime walk with the intention of photographing a statue, for example.

 

What I’m wearing:

• Pink ribbed tank top – the Gap
• High-waisted skinny jeans – Madewell
• Pink cowboy boots – Jeffrey Campbell
• Pink leather Cashin Carry tote – Coach
• Turquoise Toy Story-print mask – an Etsy shop
• Hair in pigtails because it’s long enough to do that now!

May 31, 2021

This was my last day at my social media dayjob (which I call a dayjob purely out of habit; at the point that I decided to leave, it was only taking up 3-5 hours a week and bringing in ~7% of my income). In the pandemic age, I find it’s extra difficult to celebrate successes. You can’t invite your friends to go for a pint and clink your glasses together over what you’ve achieved, or take a mini-vacation as a reward for a job well done. So I asked my partner what they thought I should do to commemorate entering the land of the fully self-employed, and they suggested I order a bottled cocktail from Civil Liberties, my favorite bar.

I went online and ordered a double serving of the Call Me Maybe, a yummy drink involving grapefruit juice, fennel, fino sherry, and tequila. Then I decided to walk all the way to the bar – about 45 minutes – because it was a beautiful day. I think this was the first time I’d worn a crop top outdoors in nearly a year. Yay, spring!

 

What I’m wearing:

• Royal blue crop top – Forever 21, I think?
• Black A-line jersey skirt – ASOS
• Black bike shorts (worn underneath to help with chub rub) – American Apparel
• Red socks – the Gap
• Nike Air Zoom Pegasus 37 sneakers in teal – a findom gift from my love
• Pink leather Cashin Carry tote – Coach
• Black KN95 mask

June 2, 2021

Feeling in touch with my femmeness has been challenging this past year. I think that as much as my inner angry feminist often wants to snarl “I don’t dress up FOR YOU!!” there is nonetheless an element of my aesthetic that doesn’t feel worth performing if there’s no audience for it. Gender and style are both concepts that have an inward component as well as an outward component, and that outward one is hard to reckon with during a pandemic.

I put on this sweet floral dress to go buy some limes and mint so I could make a fave summer cocktail, the Southside, when having drinks with my friend/roommate Sarah later that night. We may not have been able to go sit on a pub patio or hang out at a cocktail bar, but I was determined to make our indoor lives feel summery and celebratory nonetheless, dammit.

 

What I’m wearing:

• Black/white/pink floral dress – CowCow
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Pink leather Cashin Carry tote – Coach
• Black KN95 mask

June 3, 2021

Comfiest “outfit” ever. Sometimes I attempt to make my loungewear ensembles look aesthetically pleasing and intentional (as opposed to the times when I just throw on an oversized T-shirt from some rock concert of yore, pair it with underwear and fuzzy slippers, and call it a day).

I had recently reorganized my T-shirt drawer and resultingly rediscovered a bunch of shirts I forgot I owned, like this black cropped tank top, which is an essential item for when I want to feel summery but also goth.

 

What I’m wearing:

• Black ribbed cropped tank top – Forever 21? H&M? Not sure
• Black modal lounge pants – the Gap
• Tie-dye Bombas ankle socks – a gift from Matt’s mom