Monthly Faves: Cannabis, Kink, & Quarantine

Hello, friends! I am writing this from the Toronto hotel where the Canadian government has mandated that I quarantine for a few days (at great expense, I might add), having just returned home from New York so I can get vaxxed in my home country. I’m annoyed about the huge fee (which, to be fair, covers enhanced sanitation procedures and meals), but trying to look on the bright side: I’m enormously privileged to be able to stay here, and I can think of it as a staycation of sorts, or maybe a writing retreat.

With that in mind, I thought I’d sit down at my cute little hotel-room desk and write a Monthly Faves, since it’s been a while. Here’s some of what brought me joy in April…

 

Media

• Any fans of the Harvest Moon franchise out there? I used to play Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town obsessively as a youngin, and recently learned that an updated remake exists for the Switch. I only picked it up about a month ago and have already finished 5 in-game years, gotten married, and had a child… #LockdownLyfe, am I right?! I’m far from the first to observe that there is something wonderfully calming about playing idyllic, pastoral video games during times of global strife. The world may be on fire, but at least I can grow my crops and feed my chickens.

• Send this compelling Archie Crowley TED Talk to anyone you know who finds they/them pronouns and other trans terminology “too confusing” or “ungrammatical.” Archie’ll set ’em straight.

• I watched Q: Into the Storm, the new HBO documentary miniseries about QAnon, and really enjoyed it. Actually, Matt and I were so enthralled by the first couple episodes that we ended up staying up and watching all 6 of them in a row. (Nerds!) I am fascinated by conspiracy theories, cults, and con men, and this series contains all of the above. Pretty terrifying that people actually believe this shit…

• I’ve been reading a lot of great books lately, but Tracy Clark-Flory’s new memoir Want Me was a definite standout. I hadn’t heard of Tracy until I saw her tell a story on a Bawdy Storytelling livestream recently, but the story she told was about being super horny while pregnant and overcoming shame about the types of fantasies pregnant people are or aren’t “supposed” to have, so of course I was intrigued! Her book is part memoir, part meditation on our sexual culture, particularly the ways in which women who date men are socialized to adopt strange behaviors and maybe-unnatural desires in order to appeal to men. Definitely a page-turner!

• Another book I read this month was Leigh Cowart’s forthcoming Hurts So Good: The Science and Culture of Pain on Purpose; I scored an advance copy, but the book comes out in September. I would vehemently recommend this book to anyone who’s interested in pain from any angle: kink, chronic pain, psychology, biology, even philosophy. It explores various subcultures that participate in some form of deliberate masochism, whether that’s through running an ultramarathon or eating a super spicy pepper or, yes, BDSM. Leigh is a hilarious writer and I absolutely tore through their book!

 

Products

• One of my birthday gifts from Matt was a leather strap from London Tanners, designed for “domestic discipline.” It is a leather fan’s wet dream, and hurts a hell of a lot (in a very good way)!

• There is something so classy and iconic about a simple pearl necklace. My partner recently bought me one, because I’d been sighing over pearl pics online a lot, and it really dresses up any outfit.

• Sugarpill lashes in the “Lullaby” style are so fucking dramatic. They rule. I’m still pretty new to the false eyelashes lifestyle (if such a thing could be said to exist), and I know there are so many more companies making all kinds of wild lashes out there, but Sugarpill’s ones are so consistently great that I find it hard to get motivated to branch out!

• I’ve been feeling a need lately to “flag” as chronically ill, because I have the sense that doing so could make me feel like less of a “disability impostor” and more like an actual member of the disabled community, and especially the invisibly disabled community (which I am!). I bought a “chronic pain warrior” pin and an “invisible illness club” pin from Etsy and have been loving wearing them on my leather jacket’s lapel.

• I was recently introduced to a cannabis company called Her Highness and I love their sleek, feminine, modern branding! They sent me a red lip ashtray (gorgeous!!) and their pleasure oil (pleasurable as advertised!), among other things, and I’m loving them so far. They also donate some of their proceeds to the Last Prisoner Project, because they’re committed to racial justice in the cannabis space.

 

Work & Appearances

• Hey, did you know that my book 101 Kinky Things You Can Do is available for preorder now?! No matter where you are in the world, you should be able to preorder your copy, so you’ll be able to start reading it right away when it launches in October. Exciting!!

• One of my podcasts, Question Box, has been on hiatus for a year, but recently came back for season 2! The first episode has a MUSICAL NUMBER in it, which was composed by my cohost and friend Brent Black. I had missed doing this show!

• My latest piece for the Insider is about the best sex toys for long-distance couples, a topic with which I am WELL-acquainted! It’s still a huge honor to write for such a rigorous and revered publication.

• I was super flattered that sexual folklorist Dixie De La Tour invited me to tell a story on a Bawdy Storytelling livestream this month! I’ve been a huge fan of Bawdy for ages and it was a literal dream come true to work with Dixie on a story and then tell it to the super supportive “Bawdience.” My story was about romance, mental illness, and espionage, and it might end up on the Bawdy podcast sometime – I’ll let you know when/if you can hear it!

• I did a bloggiversary livestream/concert way back in March, and it was one of my most fun nights in recent memory! Thanks to everyone who showed up to listen to my tunes; you made the day extra special. (Did you know my music is available for purchase on Bandcamp?)

• Some of my recent articles for the Andrew Blake blog were about sex furniture, the health benefits of sex, sex games, financial domination, the physiology of orgasm, how to tell your partner about your secret fetish, and the history of sex toys.

• I guested on the Between the Pages podcast this month, and it was so much fun! It’s a show that focuses on the intersections of books and sexuality. The episode I guested on (click here to listen) was a book club-style discussion of Kink, an anthology of short stories edited by R.O. Kwon and Garth Greenwell, and the conversation went to some very interesting and provocative places.

• On the Dildorks lately, we’ve discussed topics such as masochism, limits, medical play, and dating after COVID. I also interviewed the Bearded Scotsman about his audio erotica, and Bex and I celebrated 4/20 with our traditional yearly “highpotheticals” episode.

• In my newsletter, I’ve recently written about monogamy fetishism, a leather belt I once had a crush on, the gendered implications of pain, and ruined orgasms.

 

Good Causes

• The Butterfly Asian & Migrant Sex Workers Support Network is a good place to throw some dollars right now. Sure is a lot of racist violence in the news lately. Ugh.

Asian Americans Advancing Justice is fighting for Asian-American civil rights.

• Police violence against Black people is an epidemic, and organizations like Don’t Shoot Portland are pushing for change and accountability.

• Speaking of police violence, Daunte Wright’s murder was yet another shocking injustice perpetrated by cops. His family set up a GoFundMe to cover funeral expenses, grief counselling, and more.

• The aforementioned Last Prisoner Project is doing crucial work, trying to achieve social justice by changing drug policies and helping people who’ve been incarcerated for drug crimes.

Review: Tantaly Scarlett Mini Sex Doll

Yes, I am wearing socks! Deal with it! 😂

Recently, sex doll company Tantaly reached out to me about doing a review. I asked my partner Matt if they wanted to try a sex doll, and… of course they did! The one we picked is the Scarlett mini sex doll, and you can use the code GirlyJuice10 to get 10% off your entire order if you choose to buy Scarlett or any other doll on Tantaly’s site.

This isn’t a typical review; it’s a transcribed interview we did while Matt was testing out the doll in various ways at my behest. So, be aware that there is sexual activity in this interview! I hope you enjoy…


Kate: Why did you choose this doll in particular?

Matt: I looked at all of them, and there’s some weird things about the way that they’re sectioned on the website. The weirdest thing is that all of the ones that have Black skin are in a separate section that you don’t see by default, which is very strange and very weird. But they also separate full-size dolls from miniature ones. And I was thinking, I have a pretty small apartment and I don’t have a ton of room to store a human-sized object, so I looked at the miniature ones. I think this the best-reviewed or the most-purchased of those. Also, there are some that only have one entry hole, and I wanted to test one that had two at least.

Kate: How did you feel when the package arrived and you opened her up for the first time?

Matt: Good question. Well, I live in a doorman building, so the first thing I felt was kind of like, Oh, it sucks that someone had to carry this 15-pound thing up to my apartment… They probably put it on a cart, but still I felt a little weird about that. And then I was like, well, could they tell it was a sex doll? They’re going to judge me every time I walk through my lobby. And I looked at the label on the box and I was like, no, it’s not obvious. Okay.

And then I was just curious. I was like, what’s it gonna feel like? Because I’d only seen pictures of a sex doll. I hadn’t really touched one before this, in a store or anything. So I didn’t know exactly what it would be like. What did you think when it arrived?

Kate: Oh, I mean, she’s very tiny.

Matt: Yes. That’s… yes. After I opened it, that was my thought too. The smallest.

Kate: Well, at least she’s proportional, so she doesn’t look like a toddler, which is what I was concerned about.

Matt: I was also concerned about that. Yes. I looked at the pictures and I was like, am I going to feel like this is weird for that reason? And no, I don’t think so. I mean, some people might, and that’s fine, but definitely it seems like an adult, even though your brain has to do some kind of like weird thing where it’s like, this is not an adult-sized person, so your brain kind of maps a human body onto this tiny thing. And I think my brain does that fairly naturally, even though the belly button is the size of, like, the tip of my pinky, but, you know.

Kate: What were your expectations about how using the doll would make you feel, both physically and emotionally?

Matt: I had no idea how it would feel emotionally. That’s what I was most curious about. Physically, I figured it would just feel like fucking something, but not like fucking a person. And it felt more like fucking a person than I thought it would.

Kate: In what sense?

Matt: I think the main reason is I don’t fuck strokers in the same position that I would fuck a sex doll. So they feel more like masturbating just because of the… like, I’m lying on my back, and I’m like doing a thing with my hand, whereas if I’m prone and like, fucking something, that feels different, just qualitatively, and I’m feeling a skin-like texture against me at the same time. With the visual, it all combines into a different feeling from a stroker.

Kate: Yeah. I was going to ask you, when would you tend to choose a sex doll over a stroker, or a stroker over a sex doll?

Matt: If I was with a partner and I wanted to use a toy, I’d probably pick a stroker, unless there was some fantasy element where the sex doll came into play, like a threesome or a cuckolding scene or something. If I was by myself, I would pick a stroker if I was going for “quick and easy,” if I didn’t want to lug something out and have to clean it out in the sink afterward and the whole thing. But if I was missing human connection and I was alone and I had time, then I would use the doll, I think.

Kate: Can you go down on her a little bit?

[Matt performs cunnilingus on the doll]

Kate: How would you compare this to the real thing, as a fan of cunnilingus?

Matt: Hmm. Well, you can feel all the parts of the vulva, which is great. You don’t get any reactions, obviously, so you have to be able to imagine the reactions, which I can – or not care about them, I suppose. The textures are right. The taste is obviously not, since it’s not human skin so it’s not going to taste like that. And the smell is not right, but it’s not distracting or bothersome either. It’s totally fine. It’s the best version of fantasizing about oral sex that I’ve had, ’cause you’re in the right position and you have all the parts and all the parts feel like the right size and shape and they’re in the right spots. So that’s very helpful for constructing that fantasy.

Kate: Yeah. I was going to ask you, would you ever do this in the absence of a human partner to go down on?

Matt: Oh yeah, totally. Cause like I love going down on people and that would be a turn-on for me inherently.

Kate:  Hmm. Interesting. Do you think on a fantasy level, you think of the doll more as a stand-in for a real-life person, or as its own sexual entity?

Matt: Oh gosh. Well, I don’t think of it as a stand-in for a specific person. Like, I don’t think about a specific person usually when I’m touching it. So in that way, I guess it’s its own sexual entity. And I think it would be hard to mentally map this smaller-than-human body onto a specific regular-size human. Maybe with a full-size one, you could more easily order one that looks like the person you want to fantasize about, but for me, I think it’s its own thing.

If I was doing this by myself, I would put on cunnilingus porn just for the sounds.

Kate: Yeah, that makes sense.

Matt: Yeah. That’s the biggest thing that’s missing. Taste is missing, and that’s a big thing, but the biggest thing is actually sound.

Kate: Hmm. Okay. Lie down and touch yourself to get yourself hard, and I’ll ask you another question while you do that.

Matt: Okay.

Kate: It’s not a very arousing question.

Matt: [laughs] That’s fine.

Kate: How do you feel about her being a headless, disembodied torso? Does it affect your experience in any way?

Matt: It definitely is something you have to work around, but it’s not that hard for me to work around it. Like when I’m going down on it and I’m looking up, I can easily sort of screen that stuff out of my peripheral vision. The planes [of the thighs and neck] are super flat and smooth, so it’s not creepy or distracting and doesn’t feel like it’s been dismembered or anything. It’s just like, it’s an object. And the lack of a head might actually be a good thing, because I think if there was a face, it would never really look like a human face and it would freak me out.

Kate: Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. I want you to start fucking her front hole.

[Matt fucks the doll’s vagina]

Kate: Next question is, what does its vagina feel like?

Matt: We’re switching between “she” and “it” pronouns. I don’t really know its pronouns. Um, it’s textured. It’s nicely textured on all sides. I can feel the lips. They feel aroused when I press against them, which is nice. It can take my whole cock, which is nice. It’s not quite as tight as the Quickshot, but it has a very realistic human tightness. There’s nothing super crazy at the back. Some Tenga toys have a really wild texture toward the back of the sleeve, and I don’t think it has that.

Kate: Okay. When you’re ready, you can flip her over and try the back hole and tell me what that feels like. [Matt flips the doll over] Wow, her back is gorgeous.

Matt: That was one of the first things I noticed too. I like that she’s very stable in this position.

[Matt starts fucking the doll’s butt]

Kate: Does it freak you out that you can see your dick moving through her back?

Matt: Yeah. That does… When I focus on that, it does freak me out a little bit. ‘Cause if that was happening with a human, I’d be like, where’s your spine?! There’s wire in here, but it’s not where the spine is. The spine area is just all squishy. The butt has a good bounce to it, too.

Kate: Does it feel like you’re having anal sex? Physically or psychologically?

Matt: Yeah, it does.

Kate: Hmm. How does coming in the doll feel different from coming inside me?

Matt: It’s the same as with the oral – there’s no reactions. I’m missing the sounds and the gripping and stuff.

Kate: Okay. Whenever you’re ready, fuck her tits a little bit. And I’ll ask you about that.

Matt: Okay.

[Matt tries to fuck the doll’s tits]

Kate: You didn’t like this as much when we tried it before, right?

Matt: I don’t really know… Yeah, it just doesn’t do anything. The boobs are not close enough together. You can’t really even push them together. It just doesn’t work. No, I can’t fuck them. Too far apart.

Kate: What’s your overall review?

Matt: How much does it cost?

Kate: Like 200 bucks or something. [Editor’s note: It costs $209.99.]

Matt: Yeah. I think it’s good. For that price, it’s good.

Kate: Do you think you’re going to use it even after we’ve already reviewed it?

Matt: Yeah! It’s useful for like, if you’re long-distance and your partner’s super into pearl necklaces or anal or whatever; you have a prop, and you can shoot nudes with it that aren’t just, like, your dick.

Kate: Yup. That’s good. Definitely good for an LDR.


Thanks so much to Tantaly for sending us the Scarlett mini sex doll to review! Remember, you can get 10% off your order from Tantaly by using the code GirlyJuice10 at checkout. This post was sponsored, which means we were paid to provide a fair and honest review of the product.

Behind the Seams: Leather Weather

March 20th, 2021

Matt’s building has a cute little open-air courtyard that is open to residents, and on this day, we sat there in the chilly early-spring sunshine for a while, writing poems and reading ebooks (me) and reading about sleight-of-hand and practicing magic tricks (Matt). It was a lovely afternoon. I always feel so much better when there starts to be more sun in my life.

As with many of my favorite outfits, this one could just as easily be rocked by an ’80s teen queen or an 8-year-old girl. Fuck “dressing age-appropriately,” tbh. You don’t have to if you don’t want to! (I mean, if you have a job with a strict dress code, then maybe you do have to… but only when you’re at that job!)

 

What I’m wearing:
• Black modal slip – Calvin Klein Sleepwear
• Hot pink cashmere sweater – J. Crew
• Black leggings – the Gap
• Pink metallic cowboy boots – Jeffrey Campbell
• Black leather jacket – Danier Leather
• Red sparkly heart necklace – Tarina Tarantino
• Blue/grey/black colorblock Coach Willis bag
• Rainbow prescription cat-eye sunglasses – Zenni


March 21st, 2021

Wore this on an outdoor walk. Sometimes on bad pain days, I gravitate toward dark colors because they’re easy to match and tend not to get me noticed or looked at much in public; often I respond to overwhelming health symptoms by wanting to be invisible in some sense, to deal with my symptoms unobserved and in peace.

This hat is from the Wythe Hotel, the Brooklyn spot where Matt and I stayed on our 3rd date. We had recently gone back there for a brief staycation to celebrate our anniversary, and had a lovely time. Normally you can buy these toques from their shop but they left two of them for us in our room free of charge, with a nice note thanking us for supporting them after the extremely rough time the hotel industry’s had during the pandemic. Aww.

 

What I’m wearing:
• Navy blue Wythe Hotel beanie
• Navy blue lacy tank top – the Gap’s sleepwear section
• Black leggings – the Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather jacket – Danier Leather
• Blue/grey/black colorblock Coach Willis bag


March 23rd, 2021

Was feelin’ casual, I guess! I’m really not much of a Jeans Person but occasionally they’re called for.

Sometimes when Matt and I go out together while they’re in chastity, I’ll wear this necklace, which has their key on it. It jingles and jangles a lot while I’m walking around and serves as a perpetual, cute, kinky reminder for both of us that they’re locked up and that I’m the one who controls when they’ll be unlocked again. Isn’t kink fun?!

 

What I’m wearing:
• Heathered black Lickability logo T-shirt
• High-waisted skinny jeans – Madewell
• Black leather jacket – Danier Leather
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Lock & key necklace
• Blue/grey/black colorblock Coach Willis bag
• Pat McGrath MatteTrance lipstick in “Elson”
“Abortion is a Right” pin from the ACLU


March 27th, 2021

This is what I wore to do a livestreamed concert celebrating my 9-year bloggiversary. I was surprised and delighted that 30+ people showed up to watch me play and sing!

Usually I like to buy a new dress to wear on my birthday, and while my bloggiversary isn’t quite the same as a birthday, this year the tone of the celebration was pretty similar! (I used to play a birthday concert at a rented venue every year when I was in high school, because I was a messy bitch who lived for attention, I guess.) I settled on this dress after looking at way too many other ones, and it was actually one of the least expensive ones I considered, at around $35.

Thanks so much to everyone who came out to watch the stream – it was so much fun, and might become an annual tradition!

 

What I’m wearing:
• Blue/green patterned Maggy London wrap dress – Nordstrom Rack
• Black leggings – H&M
• Elaborate eye makeup involving (among other things) Sugarpill eyeshadow in “Polar” and a huge pair of Sugarpill false lashes to top it all off
• I was also wearing an Agent Provocateur bra underneath, because this dress really kind of requires one, as much as I hate wearing bras of any kind these days!


April 8th, 2021

The temperature dropped again but we wanted to go sit outside for a bit, so I bundled up.

Still loving this Yokoo cowl. I wish I’d had more opportunities to wear it during the winter but 1) I just didn’t go out that much, and 2) it tends to exacerbate the classic fogged-up-glasses problem that occurs when you are a specs-wearing person who also has to wear a mask because you’re living through a global pandemic. (Sigh.)

I feel like this color palette is much more “grown-up” than how I normally dress… except most adult businessladies don’t have a Nintendo Switch in their handbag. Or so I would assume.

 

What I’m wearing:
• Blue and white floral-print dress – H&M
• Black leggings – H&M
• Black cashmere cardigan – the Gap
• Black leather jacket – Danier Leather
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Navy knit cowl – Yokoo on Etsy
• Blue/grey/black colorblock Coach Willis bag
• Red lipstick

What have you been wearing lately, friends?

8 Reasons the “Squirt is Pee” Study is Bad

Recently I was chatting with some friends about the 2015 study that “proved” squirting is the same thing as peeing, and I got incensed afresh about it. You can read the study yourself online if you’re curious, though I’m about to make the case for why you probably shouldn’t.

To be perfectly clear: I am not a scientist, nor am I a doctor. I have, however, been a sex journalist for nearly a decade, so I’m pretty accustomed to reading studies and extracting key findings from them. I first became interested in this study when I wrote a piece about it for Maisonneuve years ago, and I interviewed many experts and key players in the field as part of that project. With all of that said, here are 8 reasons this study is, in my view, not to be trusted…

 

1. It only had seven (7) participants. SEVEN. Many experts agree that studies smaller than about 100 people are unlikely to be statistically significant or predictive of a general population. I asked the lead researcher, Samuel Salama, why he only studied seven women, and he said, “I wish [I had] more, but it is difficult to recruit women who accept to participate to the protocol [sic].” He also claimed that his study was nonetheless the largest one that had been done on the topic, which is in fact false; previous studies done on the squirting-versus-pee debate have included sample sizes as large as 27, and there was even a previous biochemical analysis study on this subject that had 11 participants. (Still not enough, but better than seven, I guess.)

In an interview, I asked a sexual health research coordinator what they thought about this study only having seven participants, and they said this:

“I think, if you only study seven people, that’s just ridiculous. Like, what the fuck. That is not statistically significant in any universe. It doesn’t prove anything. … It’s bonkers! Bonkers! Seven people is like, nothing.”

 

2. The lead researcher seems to have had an axe to grind. I asked lead researcher Samuel Salama why he decided to study this topic, and he told me it was his 3rd-year sexology thesis and that he chose the subject of squirting “because you can read a lot of bullshit on the topic.” This suggests to me that he had already formed an opinion about whether squirting is pee before he even began the study, since he felt all the previous research on it was “bullshit.” Scientists are supposed to keep an open mind about the potential results of their studies; otherwise, the results are prone to being tainted, just like Salama thinks ejaculate is tainted by pee.

 

3. Participants were recruited under odd circumstances. The study’s seven participants were all referred by physicians, which suggests to me that the women themselves, their doctors, and the study creators all viewed squirting as a medical issue rather than a normal part of sexual functioning. This creates a biased dynamic that no doubt would permeate the whole study. Participants were also required to have a BMI that falls within the “healthy” range despite BMI having been long ago debunked as a useful measure of body weight and health.

In an interview, I asked a postdoctoral research fellow at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health if it could be problematic that all the participants were recruited via their physicians, and she said this:

“It definitely creates limitations on the generalizability of the results. For example, since the sample is limited to a certain set of women who saw these particular physicians and were then referred, we have to consider whether or not there are systematic differences between a) women who choose and/or are able to visit a physician and those who do not or cannot, b) the characteristics of women who visited the specific physicians included in the study versus women who selected different physicians, or c) women who were referred to the study and actually participated, versus women who were referred and chose not to participate, to name a few issues. Thus, the interpretation of the results should be considered within these limitations.”

 

4. It’s cissexist. I mean, it’s certainly not unique among sexological studies in this way, unfortunately, but this is still worth pointing out. So-called “female ejaculation” is a phenomenon that can happen to anyone who has a vagina, not just cis women.

 

5. It took place in a lab setting. This, again, is definitely not unique among sex studies, but I do think it’s worth noting because we just don’t have the same sexual responses in cold, clinical environments as we would have in our own cozy beds. IMO it’s absurd to think that someone getting sexually stimulated in a lab room, while being monitored and measured, would have exactly the same experience of and response to that stimulation as she has at home. As Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., details in her book Come As You Are, stress has a physiologically inhibiting effect on sexual arousal, and thus I don’t think a sex study can be purely effective and accurate in a lab setting. The participants of this study even noted that the amount they squirted during the study was less than they tend to squirt at home, suggesting the results were in fact different than they would be in everyday life.

 

6. The results were inconclusive, but not described as such in the study. This, to me, is the most pressing and obvious reason this study is problematic. The study measured levels of urea, creatinine, uric acid, and prostate-specific antigen (PSA) in each participant’s pee both before sex and after sex, and also measured those levels in each participant’s squirt. Those first three ingredients – urea, creatinine, and uric acid – are found in urine, while PSA is typically not.

If you look at the graphs that lay out the data on what was actually in each sample (click the image to see it larger), you’ll see that the distribution is actually pretty all-over-the-place. Some participants’ squirt (represented by the red bar in each chart) contained medium-to-high levels of the components of urine, while some contained barely any at all. Most participants’ squirt contained a high proportion of prostate-specific antigen compared to other ingredients, which – if anything – supports the idea that squirt is a separate fluid from urine, containing its own unique ingredients.

The writers of the study note early on, “Because normality of data distribution could not be ascertained, we preferred to use the median as the measure of central tendency and minimum–maximum values as the measure of variability.” This is just not a fair or effective way to do a study like this. Even I, as a relative layperson, can glance at these results and see that some of the women’s squirt is scientifically similar to their pee, and some of the women (especially participant #5, and to a lesser extent, #4 and #6) clearly squirt a liquid that is demonstrably different from their urine. You can’t just “average out” the results and decide that a handful of women squirting something chemically similar to pee means all women who ever squirt are squirting pee – especially when the results of your own study don’t even bear that out!

 

7. There’s traces of pee in penile ejaculate, too. It is well-established that semen contains uric acid and urea, probably due to the fact that both urine and semen come from the same hole and will naturally intermingle to some extent. I would argue (as did many of my scientist interviewees) that the same happens for people with vulvas, and that this explains the overlap in chemical makeup between some vulva-possessing people’s urine and ejaculate.

 

And finally… 8. This study will damage, and has damaged, the lives of people who squirt. The hypothesis that squirting = pee has already caused so much pain, stigma, and even trauma in the world. I interviewed Spanish sex educator Diana J. Torres about squirting and they told me stories of women they’ve known who have had their G-spots surgically removed as treatment for “coital incontinence” that was actually just squirting. “Usually science is not separated from politics,” they said, “and in a patriarchal system, it has been instrumentalized to support it.” I have to agree.

In the aftermath of this study being published, headlines circulated worldwide, announcing that squirt was actually just pee. My friend Epiphora launched a “#NotPee” campaign on social media to fight against the stigma and misinformation. Many people replied to say that they’d been shamed for squirting in the past. I hate to think what happens when that shaming escalates to ostracization or even violence.

“I don’t know why they keep revisiting it. I don’t know what the political import is to prove that it’s urine. It seems weird to me,” said philosophy professor (and proud squirter) Shannon Bell when I interviewed her about this. “If you compare it to studies on [penile] ejaculate, there’s almost an investment in women’s ejaculate not being as sexual a fluid… and I would say that’s got a political component to it.” Like Bell, I see this entire debate as being yet another manifestation of the male-dominated science field refusing to believe women and other people of marginalized genders about their own damn bodies.

I’m tired of it. I want better, bigger studies on the subject, that are constructed in more compassionate and sensical ways. But mostly, I just want people to stop caring so much whether squirt is pee and whether pee is gross. There is a lot about sex that could be considered gross, and most of us continue to have it anyway. If you’re actually disgusted by your partner’s pleasure, maybe you should let them go so they can find a partner who actually wants them to have a good time in bed without feeling ashamed of their body and the fluids it produces.

I Miss Strip Clubs (…But I’ve Only Ever Been to One)

I don’t have any photos of strip clubs, but I do have this picture of me naked at a sex club… Close enough, I guess?!

One of the first things I learned about Portland upon arriving there was that it apparently has some of the best strip clubs in the country. I didn’t know how or why this was true yet, but my friends who lived there insisted that it was. I believed them wholeheartedly. I put on a low-cut dress and some sparkly shoes, and off we went.

It turns out that the reason Portland’s strip clubs are so great is partly a legal one: unlike clubs in some other states, they’re allowed to show you full nudity on stage – and to serve alcohol. While I’m sure that’s a combination that can get messy at times, on the night I took advantage of these two freedoms, it was nothing but bliss.

My friends and I crowded along the tip rail, clutching dollar bills and cocktails. Boobs were shoved in my face. Thighs were parted directly in front of me. I could hear the squeak of hot skin against the metal pole. My glasses – worn so I could see the dancers’ beautiful bodies better – were complimented and then removed from my face to prevent them from getting smashed by errant legs. It was a whirlwind of soft flesh, big beats, sweet drinks, and good vibes. I threw money onto the stage with abandon during every dance, mesmerized.

I thought of this recently when I read sex journalist Tracy Clark-Flory’s new memoir Want Me, in which she recounts – among numerous other things – many a night spent as a customer at local strip clubs, drinking in the atmosphere, tipping dancers, and intermingling bittersweetly with the raucous dudes in the crowd. While acknowledging that strippers are people and that sex workers don’t deserve to be reduced to stereotypes or props, Tracy also notes that being in that type of sexually charged space made her feel empowered and excited, in a way that may be unique to female clientele at strip clubs. It’s a very particular experience, and one that I miss, despite only having tried it once.

That’s right – I, a seasoned sex writer, have only been to a strip club ONCE!! This is 100% just because of social anxiety – I basically can’t go to unfamiliar places without someone to accompany me, and such plans have never lined up quite right for me to be able to check out a strip club in Toronto, where I live. I dearly wish I was the type of woman who could be brave enough to stroll confidently into a strip club, solo, but that’s just not who I am (yet?). I could always look into making a private exotic dancer booking, for a less nervewracking experience, but I miss the atmosphere of a strip club itself just as much as I crave seeing strippers show off their talents.

The pandemic has been a potent time for reflecting on regrets, and fantasizing about the future. Everyone I know seems to have a mental list of things they want to do, people they want to see, and places they want to go – whether for the first time or the hundredth – when they’re safely able to again. The more that I think about it, the more I realize that going to a strip club is one of those wistful wishes for me. In many ways it feels like the polar opposite of what the pandemic has entailed: people crowded closely together, maskless, eating and drinking and staring up at charismatic naked beauties on stage. I’m no expert, but I would imagine that a lot of the people who regularly go to strip clubs do so in part because they like the bustling and in-your-face vivid vibe of that environment – otherwise, wouldn’t they just stay home and watch striptease videos? – and all these months of social distancing have given me an increased appreciation for that type of energy.

I’ll still be deeply nervous when I eventually go to a strip club again, I’m sure. This year of lockdown hasn’t magically transformed me into a shameless extrovert. But I think I’ll have an even greater appreciation for strip shows now than I did before, especially having seen how much sex workers – an already profoundly stigmatized and marginalized group – struggled to make ends meet during these lean times.

I’m not really religious, but I could see how going to a strip club after a pandemic could be a spiritual experience. What secular act could be more church-like than gathering in a darkened room with other congregants, imbibing sacred libations, and tithing dollar bills to dazzling goddesses dancing under dappled lights?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.