What Would Be in Your Dream Kink Dungeon?

Kate Sloan
Photo taken by Taylor J Mace at the Ritual Chamber

One of my favorite activities for stress relief – right alongside playing Pokémon games, listening to comedy podcasts, and (yes) masturbating – is perusing real estate listings.

I know this wouldn’t work for everyone, since housing and finances are, themselves, stressful areas of life for many of us. But if I’m able to fully divorce my realistic expectations for my own life from the properties I’m looking at, I can enjoy four-story floorplans and massive mansions to my heart’s content. Seriously, have you ever gone to Zillow, typed in the name of your city/town, sorted by “price: high to low,” and ogled the abodes therein? Sheer heaven for your eyes. (Not so much for your wallet, though.)

A treasured real estate-related fantasy of mine is to have enough rooms in my home that I could dedicate an entire room to kink. It would have blackout curtains, mood lighting, and a lot of jewel tones… but it would also have to have, of course, lots of kink equipment.

In this fantasy timeline, I would drop by the local BDSM store and basically fill my cart, and then some. I’d line the walls with elegant hooks and racks for all my various impact implements, giant dildos, and fetishwear. It would be a perverted smorgasboard.

Furniture-wise, of course I’d need a spanking bench. I like the kind that looks vaguely vintage, like it was hand-crafted out of wood and leather for disciplinary purposes. I’ve also always dreamed of having some furniture that would integrate well into my age-play fantasies, like a wide oak desk the likes of which you’d see in a principal’s office, or a row of metal lockers a bully could slam me against in a moment of lascivious aggression. A queening chair (i.e. a seat with an open hole in the middle where your partner can lay their head while you sit on their face) would also be a must-have for my dommier moments, and would likely be easier on my pain-wracked knees than normal kneeling.

There would also have to be a bed, because – as much as I’d like to be the kind of kinkster who can fuck standing up, or draped over a spanking bench, or bent over a desk, my body just aches too much most of the time for athletic shenanigans. I’d want to be able to flop onto a soft surface while recovering from subspace. Plus, one of my all-time favorite bondage toys is my set of under-the-bed restraints, and they need a bed to go under!

Although it would be hot and exciting to have a kink-specific space in my home, I think really one of the key reasons to have one is the way in which it could help me relax into a kink session. I could literally leave my stressors at the door (at least in theory), knowing as I entered that I was about to leave the “real world” and step into a space dedicated to pleasure and play. For a person who gets stressed out easily, that would be a massive improvement over trying to do kink in a space containing stress triggers like dirty laundry, unpaid bills, and a visibly inundated email inbox on a computer screen.

That said, while I might never have a home dungeon of my very own, I can at least try to bring some dungeon-esque vibes into my own room for the time being. I can turn off my computer, hide away my clutter, dim the lights, display some sexy toys, and put on some chillaxing music. It may not be Christian Grey-level glamorous, but it shows commitment to myself, my partner(s), and our shared pleasure – and that’s a commitment worth making, if you ask me.

 

How about you? What would you put in the dungeon (or other kink-focused space) of your dreams?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

7 Reasons to Never Buy Sex Toys on Amazon

Kate Sloan

Sex toys are often an impulsive purchase. You’re horny and you order the dildo you wish you could use right now, or you fantasize about flogging your partner and have to immediately purchase the equipment needed to follow through on this fantasy, or you read a saucy sex toy review online that riles you up and you order the product on the spot. Promotional slogans like “FREE shipping on orders over $35” and “sex toys, next day delivery” can easily catch your eye in a Google search. You get out your credit card, gleeful, eager.

But if Amazon is your go-to place to buy sex toys, I think you should think twice about that. Here are 7 reasons it’s generally a terrible idea to order sex toys from Amazon.

1. Toys on Amazon are often mislabeled, whether accidentally or intentionally. This means you can get a porous toy that claimed to be nonporous, or a toxic toy that claimed to be body-safe. You really can’t know for sure what’s in a toy unless you have it tested in a laboratory, so it’s far better to order from sellers you trust – and Amazon, as a whole, just isn’t trustworthy.

2. Toys on Amazon are often counterfeit copies of the toys they actually claim to be. If a deal seems too good to be true, it usually is. Placing an order on Amazon for a Magic Wand or an Njoy dildo, for example, is super risky because of how often these toys are poorly copied by shitty companies trying to make a buck.

3. Toys on Amazon might be USED. Yes, it’s true: morally unsavory third-party sellers on Amazon have been known to resell previously used and returned toys. I’m sure it’s rare, but it’s not a risk I’m willing to take; how about you?

4. You’ll get a better idea of a toy in-person. It’s far too easy to accidentally order a toy on Amazon that’s way too big or way too small for your needs, particularly since so many of them are mislabeled or poorly described. It’s also impossible to tell how buzzy or rumbly a vibrator is without feeling it in person, or to figure out whether an insertable toy is squishy or unforgivingly hard without actually squeezing it. Sex toy reviews can help, but these things are subjective to some extent, so it’s best to touch and test out a toy for yourself in a sex shop if you’re considering buying it.

5. Independent sex shops need your money more, and offer much more value in terms of being community hubs and sex education sources. You might pay more at a local shop than you’d pay on Amazon, sure, but you’ll be supporting people who actually know stuff about sex toys and are committed to promoting sex-positivity and pleasure. These stores are also more accessible than buying online for many people, such as teens and older folks; keeping local shops in business helps ensure that those people have continued access to sex products.

6. Does Jeff Bezos really need more money? I mean, come on. He’s the world’s first-ever “centi-billionnaire.” He owns hundreds of millions of dollars’ worth of real estate. He’s going to fucking space. If you decide to spend your dollars elsewhere, trust me, he’ll live. 🙄

7. Amazon workers are terribly mistreated. There’s an entire “criticism of Amazon” article on Wikipedia, a massive subsection of which is titled “treatment of workers,” which should give you an idea of just how bad this problem really is. They are frequently required to work long hours without breaks, their attempts at unionizing have been heavily suppressed, and they were forced to continue working in close quarters during the COVID-19 pandemic despite the obvious riskiness of this. People of color – especially Black people – are also vastly overrepresented in the delivery and customer support sectors of Amazon, and vastly underrepresented in its leadership and corporate sectors. It’s fucked up. And Bezos doesn’t seem to care at all.

There are some sex toy companies who legitimately sell their wares on Amazon, often because they know it can help them increase their sales by reaching customers they wouldn’t otherwise be able to reach. But for the most part, I would not recommend buying sex toys from Amazon. Doing so is a medical and ethical mess, and it’s just not worth the hassle when you could place an online order from an indie shop instead, or just stroll into your local store to pick up that new vibe or butt plug you’ve had your eye on.

 

This post was sponsored (not by Amazon, lol). As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Sohimi Alice Hands-Free Masturbator

Kate Sloan

I’ve been pleasantly surprised by some of the inexpensive-but-great toys Sohimi has sent me to review before, like their efficient dual-stimulation clitoral sucking vibrator and their inventive tongue-like toy. Some of my readers have even reached out to say that they bought a Sohimi toy on my recommendation and enjoyed it too, which is great!

When the company reached out to me this time, they wanted me to review a product from their “sex toys for men” section. Unnecessarily gendered language aside (please, companies, if it’s a toy for penises, you can just say that! Trans and non-binary people exist!!), there are a number of toys in that category that look just as innovative and interesting as the vulva-focused toys Sohimi has sent me before, so I was curious to see what my partner mb would choose to review.

They eventually settled on the Alice hands-free masturbator, a mechanized stroker that both rotates around your dick and strokes it up and down. I asked mb to take notes during their initial testing session with the Alice and they described it as feeling “like a car wash for your cock.” But in a good way. Mostly.

In lieu of having adjustable speeds and separate controls for each function, the Alice just has a series of pre-set patterns you can flip through. Some of these are nice, while some are too overwhelming and/or erratic to feel all that pleasurable – unless you’re into overloading a partner with sensation for kinky reasons. Actually, sadistic fantasies are one of the first places mb’s mind went when trying out this toy; we’ve watched a fair amount of porn involving dommes “milking” their subs for cum, in a way that combines D/s, bondage, orgasm control, edging, medical play, humiliation/objectification, and various other delightful fantasies, and the Sohimi Alice is pretty ideal for scenes of that nature. The unpredictability of its array of patterns can make it feel more like someone else is controlling the toy – and your dick – even when you’re operating it yourself.

The internal texture of the sleeve is intense, particularly when combined with the spinning/stroking combo served up by the toy’s motor. My partner’s dick sensitivity is average (I’m a slut, I would know), and they noted that people with more sensitive cocks might find this toy overstimulating. But, again, that could be cool for scenes involving consensual overstimulation and maybe even forced orgasms.

Indeed, mb says they can get off from using this toy easily, because of how hyper-stimulating it is. It works best if you hold it still, rather than thrusting into it, which can strain the motors and slow them down – but that need to remain still, too, plays into potential fantasies of being controlled and toyed with.

Like most strokers, the Sohimi Alice has its problems. It’s quite loud. It’s a bit big and bulky, so if you have strength/grip issues, you may want to find a way to brace it against something (like a pillow or a wall) to hold it up at least some of the time while you’re using it – although it does also have a suction cup mount, so if need be, you can affix it to a wall or a floor and thrust into it hands-free. The sleeve is made of TPE, which is porous, so you shouldn’t share it with people you’re not fluid-bonded with, and should expect to need to replace it within a few years. Cleaning it is annoying, mostly because you have to dissemble the device before washing it to avoid getting the mechanics wet, and because the time at which you have to do it is the time when you’d most often like to lie in bed enjoying the afterglow instead.

However, overall we’ve really enjoyed using the Sohimi Alice together. It provides unique sensations not often found in other strokers, and is surprisingly well-suited to numerous different pervy fantasies. Who knew a “car wash for your cock” could feel this good?

 

Thanks to Sohimi for supplying us with this toy! Check out their “male” sex toys online. This post was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own (and my partner’s).

Behind the Seams: Queer & Kinky

Kate Sloan

June 15, 2021

I received a last-minute tip via Twitter that there was a second-dose vaccine clinic set up way the hell over in the west end of Toronto, so I basically threw some clothes on and hopped in an Uber. I’d dressed up for my first dose so decided to dress up a little for this one too. It was a celebratory occasion, after all!

The line ended up taking over an hour, but it was fine because I had anticipated this possibility and brought my Kindle with me. I stood in line reading Don’t Call It a Cult, one of the best pieces of reporting I’ve ever read about a cult – in this case, NXIVM, the weird-ass Albany-based “self-improvement” cult that involved strange sexual rites and a whole lotta lies. Interesting stuff. I almost kinda wanted the line to last longer so I could read more of it!

The nurse who gave me my vaccine commented that the “I got my COVID-19 vaccines!” sticker being distributed actually matched my dress perfectly. Awesome.

 

What I’m wearing:

• Green velvet dress – H&M
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Coach Rambler crossbody bag
• Silk heart-print mask – a sweet gift from my friend/roommate Sarah
• Apple Watch with rainbow pride wristband – hand-me-down from my spouse

June 18, 2021

I’ve been trying to go on more walks lately, which is hard because of my depression, anxiety, chronic pain, etc. – but I definitely find it easier when I can wear a cute outfit!

This was my attempt at a slightly “athletic” ensemble, or at least one that wouldn’t cause me to feel overheated or overburdened while I trekked down to the lake and back.

During my walk, I listened to the cancel culture episode of You’re Wrong About, a cleverly nuanced podcast episode that I wish everyone on the internet would listen to. Mike and Sarah basically expressed all my exact opinions on the subject.

 

What I’m wearing:

• Black spaghetti-strap crop top – American Apparel (isn’t it cute??)
• Black leggings – American Eagle
• Turquoise/orange/pink/purple Nike running shoes – a gift from my love
• Coach Rambler crossbody bag
• Toy Story-print mask – an Etsy shop
• Apple Watch with rainbow pride wristband

June 20, 2021

I wore this to go stay at my parents’ house overnight. My mom had not seen Bo Burnham’s Inside yet and wanted to because I would not shut up about it, so I came over and watched it with her on her big-screen TV. Even after multiple viewings, it holds up, IMO. (And the songs will not get out of my fucking head.)

I tend to throw on a pencil skirt on days when I’m feeling shitty about my body but still want to show it off. They make me feel like my curves are fetching and foxy, which they are, tbh.

 

What I’m wearing:

• Black crop top – Forever 21, I think?
• Black pencil skirt – American Apparel
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Canvas tote bag – Her Highness (it has a cute red heart on it)
• Black KN95 mask
• Lock & key necklace – my partner’s chastity key + an engraved lock from L’Amour-Propre + a chain from Roma
• Apple Watch with rainbow pride wristband
• Goodbye Honolulu baseball cap – gifted to me by my mom because she thought it looked good with my outfit (indeed it did)

June 24, 2021

I think I feel more able to “dress gay” during Pride month, which is silly. I’m a freelancer who works from home! I’ve been out as bi for 14 years! I can dress as queer as I want to, any time I want to, and I should!

I had just rediscovered this hat at my parents’ house and taken it home with me. I bought it from MaruHats 6 years ago (!) and have never really felt all that confident wearing it, despite thinking it’s fly as hell. I like that it has a hole in the back, through which I can thread my ponytail for some cute sporty vibes, but (as some of my Instagram followers pointed out when I mentioned that wearing it was giving me some Weird Gender Feelings), I think wearing my hair down is best with hats like these because that way I feel more femme. Anyway, it’s hard to feel masc in a heart-print romper, so there’s that, at least.

 

What I’m wearing:

• Heart-print romper – MeUndies
• Turquoise and purple “Think Positive” snapback – MaruHats on Etsy
• Coach Rambler crossbody bag
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Apple Watch with rainbow pride wristband
• Black KN95 mask

June 26, 2021

Literally within a MINUTE of finding out that KinkAcademy had made a T-shirt that says “queer & kinky” in rainbow text, I had purchased one. It feels like I was made to own it. Wearing it out into the world proved a bit nervewracking, as it is not exactly a subtle garment in its messaging, but it was Pride weekend so I felt okay about it.

I wore this ensemble to walk over to the Aesop store on Queen Street West, where they were doing a Pride-week promotion: they had removed all the Aesop products from their shelves and stocked them instead with books by queer authors from the Glad Day Bookshop, and every customer was invited to choose one book to take home for free. What an utterly inspired thing to do for the queer community!

I ended up leaving with a copy of Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. I adore Kai Cheng’s advice column on Xtra and knew I’d like this book of hers too. I took it with me to a local pub patio for dinner, and it kept me company while I sat and soaked up the summer sun.

 

What I’m wearing:

• “Queer & kinky” T-shirt – KinkAcademy’s Redbubble shop
• Black skirt – ASOS
• Turquoise and purple “Think Positive” snapback – MaruHats on Etsy
• Blue leather collar – L’Amour-Propre
• Hot pink Coach tote
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Apple Watch with rainbow pride wristband
• Black KN95 mask

My New Work-From-Home Setup, Part 2: My Desk

Kate Sloan

Writers can debate endlessly about whether the space where you choose to work, and the tools you use to do that work, actually matter. Some writers can throw their laptop in a tote bag and take it to a café, or the library, or a random picnic table in the park, and create masterworks; others need their perfectly-appointed desk with just the right mood lighting, soundtrack, and assortment of artisanal pencils if they’re going to produce their best work.

I can go either way, but that’s partly because I’ve rarely had an actually-functional workspace in my life. A blend of depression, body pain, and chronic disorganization has often led me to clutter up desks and tables with useless tchotchkes and accumulated trash, choosing instead to work in bed or (in pre-pandemic times) at cafés and bars. I always wanted to have a more settled, organized workspace, but rarely got my shit together enough to actually make it happen.

Earlier this year, for my birthday, a few different friends and family members very generously got me gift cards aimed at helping me update my workspace, because I’d mentioned wishing I could do that. Wanting to put their gifts to good use, I started brainstorming what I wanted and needed to make my vintage, worse-for-wear wooden desk into an oasis of creativity. Here are some of the things I bought to spruce the place up…

 

• Since one of my main issues was constantly having too many random objects all over my desk, I decided storage was a top priority. My desk has two built-in drawers, one of which I use for weed stuff + incense and the other of which I use to store logistical necessities like Scotch tape, loose change, and my passport – but everything else needed a place to go. So I bought an assortment of stackable wooden drawers from Kirigen, and a matching monitor riser that also has a couple of drawers in it. These have already made a HUGE difference for me. Some of the stuff I store in these drawers: pens, pencils, extra batteries, extra pairs of glasses, documents, cards/letters/notes, notepads and notebooks, index cards, spare sets of earbuds, cheques I need to cash, and an occasional snack.

• Buying my new monitor was a JOURNEY! I wanted a specific 24″ ViewSonic monitor (the VX2485-MHU model) because the Wirecutter had recommended it as one of the best budget monitors they’d tried, and because it has a USB-C port, allowing me to connect my MacBook Air to the display and charge it with just one cable. I ordered a pre-owned one from an online seller, but it got lost in the mail somehow, so they refunded me. Then I saw a new version of the same monitor on a semi-sketchy retail site and asked Staples if they could price-match it, which they agreed to do. But 2 weeks after I’d already placed my order through Staples, they told me the monitor was actually out of stock, and cancelled my order. So I ordered it from yet another store, and it finally arrived. I’m glad I managed to acquire this one – it looks pretty damn good for being a $300 monitor, and fits nicely in the space allotted for it.

• One of the bulkiest items on my desk, pre-makeover, was my Day-Light SAD lamp. It was a must-have for my depression, especially in the winter, but I’d had that particular model since 2007 (!!) and knew there were some less cumbersome options on the market now. I arranged to give my old lamp away to someone from a local mental health support group who needed one, and then bought this new one, the Day-Light Sky. It takes up way less desk space, and I love that its angle is adjustable. I currently have it sitting atop a small stack of hardcover notebooks, to give the computer monitor enough space to fit neatly underneath.

• I told you about this keyboard when I showed you my working-from-bed setup. Still loving it! It’s the Logitech K380. I adore its sweet pink hue, softly clicky-clacky keys, and ability to swap between up to 3 different devices as needed, so I can move from my computer on the desk to my iPad in bed with ease.

• My mouse is the Logitech M720, which is also great. I’m considering switching to an Apple Magic Trackpad, though, because after years of using a trackpad instead of a mouse, I find them much more intuitive now. But this mouse is lovely, as far as mice go.

• My spouse bought me a beautiful vintage pink Brother typewriter as a gift after we watched the movie California Typewriter together. It’s mostly a decorative item because I lack the hand strength required to really hammer out any substantial pieces of writing on it – plus I worry about annoying my roommate with the loud typing – but I love having it displayed on my desk. It’s such a gorgeous symbol of my writerly ambitions and achievements, and I enjoy occasionally banging out a poem or two on its snappy black keys.

• A while ago, my friend Thomas sent me a spinning desk toy called a Mezmoglobe, and that’s sitting underneath my monitor riser where I can periodically spin it and admire its gleaming prettiness throughout the day.

• While it isn’t new, I do want to mention that my coaster was a gift from Penny, who is an incredible photographer and used to make these adorable sex toy photo coasters. This one features a picture of the NobEssence Romp, easily the prettiest butt plug I’ve ever owned. I use it every day for water, coffee, cocktails, or whatever else I happen to be drinking while I write.

 

Things I’d still like to acquire for my setup:

• A webcam. I used to just use my laptop’s built-in webcam for Zoom calls, video podcast recordings, etc. but that’s less convenient now that I keep it tucked under my monitor riser. I’m hoping to pick up a Logitech C920S on the Wirecutter’s recommendation. It’ll sit nicely on top of my monitor and make all my video calls and livestreams look way better.

• A better system for getting my microphone and headphones out of the way when I’m not using them – like maybe a boom arm.

• A better desk chair. Right now I’m still using the blue faux-leather one my dad bought me for about $50 at Staples when I was in university, and it’s really seen better days. I’m considering getting an Albin task chair from Wayfair. It’s surprisingly hard to find an armless chair that’s slim enough for the space under my desk, ergonomic enough for my chronically achy body, and costs less than a zillion dollars!

 

What workspace essentials are you loving lately?