Building a Chronic Illness Wardrobe

Kate Sloan

Weirdly, one of the saddest parts of my slow descent into chronic pain hell is being unable to dress the way I used to. 💔

Even setting aside the issue of how my body shape/size has changed since becoming less mobile (because I ain’t about that fat-shaming life), there are some types of clothes I just can’t wear anymore, or at least not very often. My beloved rockabilly dresses have nipped waists that dig into me uncomfortably; luxury lingerie stabs me with its underwires and lace; even jeans often feel painfully restrictive. I was never much of a high heels person, but now even sturdy heeled boots sometimes hurt me. It suuuuucks.

However, slowly but surely, I’ve been re-learning how to dress myself in what feels like a completely different body than I had in my teens or early twenties. Here are some of my top picks; maybe they’ll help you if you also have chronic pain/illness, or even if you just like comfy clothes!

 

Leggings and lounge pants have become foundational to my style. I used to wear tights under dresses most days, but over the years I’ve slowly transitioned to wearing leggings under my dresses instead, because they’re comfier, more durable, easier to put on in a hurry, and can double as pants for sleeping in or lounging around the house. (Or wearing out, frankly. The “leggings are not pants” brigade can fuck right the hell off.)

These TrueSleep modal joggers by the Gap are some of my faves right now; I have a few different pairs. Modal is one of the comfiest materials for my particular body. It’s stretchy, non-scratchy, and feels light as air against my skin. These pants have pockets – always a plus – and they have a slim enough cut that they can pass for leggings if I throw a dress over them before leaving the house. They’re marginally see-through because the fabric is so thin, which is admittedly a drawback, but I barely wear them out of my apartment so it doesn’t really matter. I also love my Ureshii leisure pants, which were made-to-measure and are soooo comfy and soft.

 

Cute tops help me feel like a human even when my body isn’t cooperating. I’ve recently sought out soft lace-edged tank tops as a replacement for the oversized T-shirts I tend to rock with my lounge pants, because any little thing I can do to feel more femme is helpful when I’m achy and insecure.

Looking in the sleepwear section of any clothing store is always a good bet for pain-friendly clothes, because those garments tend to be specifically engineered for comfort and mobility. I always keep an eye out for “sleepwear” items that don’t look like pajamas; they are truly the holy grail.

 

Modal slips are a lifesaver for me. My first one was a black satin-edged Calvin Klein one that I bought a decade ago, and it’s held up so well and gotten me through so many pained days that I recently ordered a couple more: a short one in black and a longer one in a rosy red. These are way more glamorous than sweatpants but just as comfy (if not moreso), and can even be worn out of the house if layered appropriately with leggings and a cardigan or somesuch.

I’m curious about silk slips – they seem like a summertime equivalent of my modal ones, and are ultra-glam – but the one I want most isn’t available in my size, so I’ll keep looking, I guess! I also dream of someday ordering a bespoke Ureshii jersey dress; their cuts are gorgeously flattering but they’re made of super-soft fabric.

 

Bralettes are a must-have for times when I want some boob support but am in too much pain for a proper bra. Truth be told, I don’t wear bras or bralettes all that often, because I’ve basically stopped caring about my nipples being visible or whatever, but sometimes I want to feel a little fancy so I’ll put one on.

Some of the comfiest ones I’ve found are by Aerie. I usually avoid lace because I can’t handle the itchiness against my skin; soft fabrics are where it’s at. If I ever want to go the whole nine yards, I could order some made-to-measure jersey bralettes from Ureshii (drooool).

 

Cashmere sweaters are super comforting and cozy. They especially help me when cold weather is causing pain flare-ups; one day I’d love to own a pair of cashmere leggings for similar reasons (feel free to recommend some in the comments!). My favorites right now are by J. Crew but it’s pretty easy to find vintage cashmere for a steal on eBay, Etsy, Depop, etc.

Cashmere also layers really nicely with materials like modal and silk. The extreme softness of it makes me feel swaddled in safety. Truly ideal.

 

Ugg boots are a controversial pick, but whatever. They’re incredibly comfy, even when I’m having one of those weird pain days where just walking around hurts my feet and legs. I often even wear mine around the house.

The ones I have are adorned in sequins, but I’d eventually like to get a classic black pair because they’re subdued enough that they don’t scream “Paris Hilton in 2003.” (Not that there’s anything wrong with Paris Hilton… but she and I have different aesthetics!)

 

Jumpsuits and rompers are best for those days when I just can’t be bothered with separates. My favorites are by MeUndies, whose rompers are so sinfully soft that they’re even comfier than being naked (for my body, anyway). And they have pockets. Incredible.

The Gap makes a Softspun V-neck jumpsuit and a modal romper that both intrigue me. In summer I could wear these out of the house and probably no one would bat an eye. Cool!

 

Fellow folks with chronic illness/pain, what changes or additions have you made to your wardrobe to accommodate your condition?

I Felt Guilty About Findom, Until I Didn’t

Kate Sloan
A pair of red patent leather Louboutins my spouse bought for me (which I sadly had to return because they were too small)

Financial domination is one of the most profoundly misunderstood kinks. There’s a common perception that all it involves is “making” someone give you money without giving them anything in return – which, sure, would be exploitative if it wasn’t consensual. But by its very nature, findom is only findom when it is consensual. Otherwise it’s just financial abuse.

Findom is most often done in a professional setting, as an interaction between sex workers and their “paypigs.” Sometimes it may involve exchanging provocative pictures, incorporating adult roleplay chat, and other perks – but in its most basic form, it is quite simply one person being consensually bossed into giving money to another person. In that way, it’s not all that different from any other type of power play in the BDSM world. Sure, money is a more tangible measure of the power being exchanged, and it can alter the conditions of your actual life, outside of the bedroom and the dungeon – but that’s part of why it appeals to so many people. It’s like playing poker for real dollars when you’re used to only playing for Monopoly money.

That said, financial domination can happen outside of professional contexts too. It’s become part of my dynamic with my spouse. During an initial findom chat when my partner and I were negotiating this new addition to our relationship, one of the things we discussed was my concern that I was somehow a “bad” financial dominant if receiving gifts and cash didn’t physically turn me on, the way receiving oral sex or a good spanking can. My partner gets a boner (albeit not necessarily a raging one) when I command them to buy me a cute new bag or pair of shoes; I felt like an impostor for not having the same type of physiological response to what was supposed to be a kinky, sexy act.

But the more that I’ve thought about it, and the more that we’ve discussed it, the more I’ve realized that physical arousal is not the only measure of whether an activity is pleasurable or “sufficiently” kinky. Of course, I already knew this in other areas – I knew, for example, that many asexual people enjoy kinky activities for their psychological effects, despite having little-to-no sexual response to them – but it was surprisingly hard to apply this knowledge to my understanding of findom in my own relationship. I think that because money is such a heavy, fraught topic IRL, it can be equally tricky and fraught to accept your desire to play with it in a kinky way. It brings up enormous feelings about “deservingness,” privilege, power, scarcity, and fear. But you know what? So do a lot of other kinks!

The dual-control model of sexuality, popularized by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. in her seminal book Come As You Are, has been a helpful framework for me in thinking about findom. This model understands sexual arousal as being affected by both a “sexual accelerator” and “sexual brakes.” Your accelerator is stuff that actively turns you on, like porn, erotica, dirty talk, and receiving pleasurable touch, while your brakes are things that inhibit your ability to get aroused, like stress, distractions, or chronic pain.

I think my hesitance about findom came from the expectation that it had to be a sexual accelerator in order for it to be “valid” as a kink – when, in reality, for me it operates much more like an alleviation of my sexual brakes. When my partner buys me a beautiful new lipstick, for instance, wearing it makes me feel prettier, thereby alleviating some of my appearance-related stress. When I “made” them buy me a body pillow and started sleeping with it every night, my chronic pain eased up and I was able to sleep better, which certainly made arousal easier to achieve. Likewise, when my sugar daddy way back in 2017 gave me enough money each month to cover my rent, I was obviously way less stressed about making ends meet, which made space for me to get turned on much more easily. Money is a near-constant stressor, as it is for many people, leaning hard on those sexual brakes – so any relief in that area results in relaxation that can blossom into arousal.

There’s more than one way to enjoy kink, and anyone who tells you there’s only “one true way” is lying to you. If you and your partner consent to particular acts or a particular dynamic, and you prioritize risk-awareness and open communication, it’s hard to go wrong. An erect dick or wet pussy isn’t the only measure of whether something excites or fulfills you. If a kinky activity makes you a bit happier, or makes your life a bit easier, or makes your days a bit more beautiful, then I think it’s been a success.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Monthly Faves: Hooters, Hearts, & Sparkly Perfume

Kate Sloan

As much as the #PandemicLyfe has been wearing me down lately, there’s still always lots to be grateful for. Here are some of the things I loved most in February…

 

Media

• I’ve loved Kai Cheng Thom’s excellent advice columns on Daily Xtra for ages, and finally got around to reading her book I Hope We Choose Love this month. It’s a mix of prose and poetry, and my main takeaway was her beautiful and bittersweet meditations on conflict within the queer community and the difficult legacy it leaves.

• Patricia Lockwood’s new novel No One Is Talking About This is a must-read for anyone steeped in internet culture, particularly Twitter culture. It made me laugh out loud too many times to count and also made me reflect on whether social media is actually a force for good overall.

• I loved watching the 2018 film Support the Girls this month. It makes some strong statements about patriarchy, racism, and capitalism, through the lens of women trying to make ends meet while working at a Hooters-esque restaurant. (Read Isabel Slone’s essay on Hooters afterward as a counterpoint/idealogical digestif.)

• One of the most joyful events on the internet this month was Abigail Thorn of Philosophy Tube coming out as trans. Her coming-out video – framed to show her evolution from her former, male-presenting self (played by actor Rhys Tees) and her “new” self – basically made me cry throughout its entire duration. I’m so happy for her!

• Derek DelGaudio’s show In & Of Itself (viewable on Hulu) is a weird and wondrous blend of magic, mystery, storytelling, and philosophy of identity. I can’t tell you more about it because it would ruin it. Just watch it if that description sounds at all intriguing, okay?

• I’m late to the party with regards to The Good Place, but this month Matt and I started watching it alongside 30 Rock and, obviously, it’s great! (We switch back and forth between the two – I’ve already seen all of 30 Rock and they’ve already seen all of The Good Place so we’re basically just showing each other shows that we love.) William Jackson Harper as Chidi is particularly wonderful, and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a “himbo” on TV quite like Jason Mendoza.

 

Products

• I’m working on an article about long-distance sex toys, so Lovense sent me some of their wares to test out. Their toys are wildly popular in the cam performer community, and it’s easy to see why: they have some of the fastest and most reliable long-distance Bluetooth connectivity I’ve ever seen in this industry. My favorite so far is the Edge 2, an adjustable prostate stimulator with two separate motors which I used to give my partner a totally hands-free prostate orgasm while they were in chastity this month. I also enjoy the Lush 3, Lovense’s wearable G-spot vibrator, though the lack of a substantial clit arm is a drawback.

• Matt got me some astonishingly gorgeous Agent Provocateur lingerie for Valentine’s Day. The style is called “Cupid” and fits right into my hearts-centric aesthetic. Swoon!

• I accidentally tore a hole in my favorite pair of lounge pants this month, so as a findom task I “made” Matt buy me a pair of Ureshii made-to-measure modal leisure pants to replace them. They are sooo flattering and fit perfectly, of course!

• Poet and former sex journalist Rachel Rabbit White released an updated printing of her poetry book Porn Carnival recently (would recommend), and to accompany it, perfumer Marissa Zappas created a perfume called Paradise Edition. I ordered a sample and love it so much that I’m considering getting the full-size bottle. It’s girly, sexy, floral, and also ozonic – which, in perfume speak, means it contains aldehydes, the ingredient that lends a “carbonated” or “sparkling” feel to classic scents like Chanel no. 5. It’s the kind of scent that makes me feel so good in my body, I’ll even wear it in the bath where no one can smell me but myself. Yummm.

• Still really into false lashes. They provide a burst of glamour that is sorely needed on these monotonous pandemic-winter days. My favorites are by Sugarpill, especially the Halo style (for people who like a lot of drama) and the Saint style (for people who want a more subdued, natural-looking lash).

 

Work & Appearances

• Never thought I’d write an article for Business Insider, but here we are! This month I got to write a list of my favorite couples’ toys for them, in time for Valentine’s.

• This month in my newsletter, I wrote about the importance of good conversations in relationships, exes and aliens, dressing like it’s Valentine’s Day every day, and watching porn during the pandemic.

• On the Dildorks this month, we talked about the duration of sex, group sex, and Valentine’s Day, plus we interviewed the delightful Eva Bloom about compassionate casual sex, libido issues during quarantine, and more.

• My latest pieces for the Andrew Blake blog: “5 myths about the clitoris,” “How to perform a sexy striptease,” “The best sex toy storage solutions,” and “Why is bondage so popular?”

 

Good Causes

• Folks in Texas have had a hell of a time this month, as you probably know. Donate to support relief efforts there; every little bit helps.

• The Genesis Women’s Shelter incurred a lot of damage from the events in Texas and are accepting donations now to help them rebuild.

• Love feminist media criticism? Bitch Media is raising money so they can keep producing their fantastic work.

• The brand-new Nina Arsenault Fund for Trans Arts supports the work of trans creatives. Yay!

Review: Bestvibe Rhinoceros Horn Dildo

Kate Sloan

Bestvibe calls this dildo the Rhinoceros Horn, but I’ve looked at a bunch of pictures of rhinos in writing this review, and I feel I can definitively say: this thing is way closer to a tentacle than a rhino horn. But I know a lot of people are into that. (Is there a fetish subculture centered around horned animals being able to fuck people with their prehensile horns?! Almost certainly.)

This veiny, bumpy, blue and white silicone dildo caught my eye because it’s unlike anything else I’ve tried before. I’ve never been big into “fantasy dildos” the likes of which companies such as Bad Dragon make (in part because Bad Dragon is notoriously awful), but that’s for reasons more psychological than physical; many dildos of this type probably feel great, even if the thought of having sex with some kind of sentient sea creature (or rhinoceros) does nothing for me.

This dildo is a little over 7″ long. Its diameter gets as wide as 2.5″ toward the bottom, but the tip is a much more manageable size, so you can work your way up to its girthiest parts. The top side of the dildo is sparingly decorated with protruding “veins,” while the bottom side boasts three rows of super-stimulating bumps.

The silicone has a good amount of squish to it; I can bend the dildo in half with some effort. While this toy isn’t dual-density, the thickness of the silicone – especially toward the bottom – is such that it feels squishy on the surface and simultaneously firm enough to deliver a solid ramming. However, this silicone formulation also attracts lint and hairs constantly, and requires re-lubrication every so often during use.

While I wanted to like this dildo, it doesn’t quite work for my body. Theoretically it should be long enough to reach my A-spot – the main reason I use dildos these days – but even my seasoned vagina can’t comfortably take the girth toward the bottom of the toy’s shaft, so I have to choose between inserting it deeply enough to hit my spot or keeping it shallow enough to avoid irritating my vaginal opening. Using it on my G-spot is better, but it doesn’t have the firmness that spot craves, so the sensations are lacklustre.

If you’re a texture fiend, you’d probably enjoy this toy – but I find that the combination of extreme texture with extreme girth is just too much sensation for me. Getting pounded with this toy didn’t feel deliciously overwhelming like my partner fucking me with the Eleven or Double Trouble can; it just felt uncomfortable and slightly painful, unless they avoided thrusting the toy deep.

On the plus side, the base of this toy is a decently strong suction cup that also functions as a perfectly fist-sized concave cavity that makes it easy to thrust this toy by punching it, something my partner is very good at. They liked that the Rhinoceros Horn gave them enough leverage to fuck me hard and fast – I just wish my vagina could handle that much texture and girth so I could enjoy it more fully.

At $70, this dildo’s only gonna be a good investment for you if you really love thick dildos that have a lot of texture. I know there are a lot of people who want that kind of thing but don’t have $120+ to shell out on a huge Bad Dragon or Uberrime toy, in which case I think the Bestvibe Rhinoceros Horn could be a good substitute; the craftsmanship isn’t anywhere near as beautiful as those toymakers’, but with sex toys, usually you get what you pay for. As for me, this dildo didn’t quite make me feel… uh… horny.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning that I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this toy. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. Thanks to Bestvibe for supplying me with the toy!

Review: Osuga G-Spa

Kate Sloan

The Osuga G-Spa looks like a seal. But it’s a damn cute seal, one that can stand up on its own, like it’s looking out across the snow-dusted tundra, majestic and proud.

This toy isn’t just unique visually – it’s also pretty unusual mechanically. It’s a G-spot vibrator and pressure-wave clitoral stimulator in one, though unlike some other vibration/pressure-wave double-threats I’ve tried, you’re not meant to use both functions at once. (More on that later.) In fact, the Osuga website suggests you warm yourself up with vibration on your clit and then switch to the suction part once you’re ready. I love a multi-use toy that’s actually versatile and adaptable, rather than requiring you to employ all of its many uses at once!

 

My favorite thing about this toy is its clitoral stimulator portion – but then, I’m a clit girl at heart. The sonic pulses here feel different than some others I’ve tried – less like suction and more like deep, thrumming vibration. Osuga says this toy “stimulates every nerve from the surface to your very core,” and I have to agree – this is the kind of profound, rumbly pleasure that makes my clit pay attention.

It has three steady speeds, after which it loops back to the first one. I really appreciate this as someone who mostly hates patterns and usually skips over them. My favorite way to use the clitoral portion of this toy is hands-free, gripping the “seal’s” body between my thighs and gently undulating my hips to move my clit ever-so-slightly in and out of the “mouth.” The toy’s body has a shape and texture that allows for this, unlike some other pressure-wave toys I’ve tried, and it’s delightful.

 

Less delightful is the G-spot vibration portion. I like the shape – it’s flat with gently rounded edges, sort of like the Lelo Gigi, and very much the kind of thing my G-spot enjoys – but the vibrations themselves are only so-so: just slightly too buzzy for my tastes, and definitely not as satisfyingly rumbly as the clitoral part. I also don’t love that if you wanted to use a clit vibe in conjunction with this G-spot vibe, it’d have to be pretty small because the G-Spa is what my friend Epiphora refers to as a “vulva hog,” space-wise.

The size and shape of this toy make it best suited for solo play, in my view. Rear-entry penetrative sex positions would be fine, but front-to-front positions would be impossible if you were using this toy clitorally; it’s just too big. That said, I know I mentioned earlier that you’re not meant to use both the vibration and suction functions at once, but you actually could, depending on your anatomy and your partner’s anatomy. The suction part, theoretically, could go on one person’s clit while the vibrating part goes inside another person’s vagina or butt. It’d probably be unwieldy, but I appreciate that it’s an option, I guess!

The seal-esque shape of the G-Spa is surprisingly ergonomic for my achy hands. Both sides work decently well as handles, and the buttons are located in a place where I can reach them and discern between them easily but don’t often bump them by mistake. It’s also waterproof, in part because it charges magnetically, so I can take it into the tub any time for one of my beloved bathtime wanks.

 

The packaging of this toy is highly elegant and cute. It even comes with a super-soft, lint-free storage bag. The overall aesthetic is very millennial; it brings to mind words like “softboy” and “tenderqueer” and “twee.” Osuga’s other product won a Red Dot design award, and it’s obvious that they care about beauty as much as they care about pleasure.

In order to enjoy this toy, you’d have to adore both clitoral pressure-wave stimulation and G-spot vibration (but not at the same time). That’s a pretty specific set of needs – but if that description sounds like you, and you enjoy the G-Spa‘s adorable aesthetic, I think it’d be a good investment!

You can buy the Osuga G-Spa on their website. Right now, Osuga is offering my readers 10% off their order with the code GJ10 – just enter it at checkout!

 

This post was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.