I’ve been in this situation many times, and maybe you have too:
I’m ostensibly about to hook up with a person I find very attractive, both physically and emotionally. We’re kissing, groping, grinding, etc., and while I feel like I should be aroused, I’m just… not. It feels like staring at an equation that says “1 + 1 = 0” and trying to figure out how that can possibly be true.
More often than not, there’s a secret ingredient that’s missing. And that ingredient is a sense of safety.
As the sexologist Emily Nagoski has pointed out in much of her work, stress has a real, measurable impact on our libidos. It actually alters your ability to get aroused, both psychologically and physiologically.
This makes sense if you think about how evolution works. If pre-civilization humans could just keep on fuckin’, even while the threat of an imminent tiger attack loomed in their peripheral vision, they never would have survived long enough to make babies and carry on their genetic line. So, naturally, we evolved to treat cues of danger as more important inputs than just about anything else, including sexual desire.
However, in modern times, even in places where tiger attacks are rare-bordering-on-unheard-of, our stress responses can still get in the way of arousal. These responses can occur due to a vast number of stressful inputs, including stuff like:
- Worrying about whether it’s safe to be naked in the bed of a person you just recently met
- Worrying about whether you might accidentally get pregnant or contract an STI
- Worrying that your sex noises or sex faces are unattractive
- Having been sexually assaulted or harassed in the past and worrying it’ll happen again
- Wondering whether your date thinks you’re a slut for hopping into bed with them
- Not yet knowing whether your date cares about your pleasure and comfort
A lot of these types of worries fall disproportionately on the shoulders of women, especially women who date men, due to the rates of sexual assault and other forms of abuse being heavily skewed along gender lines. In my view, this is a huge part of why so many guys struggle with knowing how to make a girl wet; they may be modeling their understanding of her arousal on the way they view their own arousal, and so they may not realize how important these mental and emotional components of sex are to the people they sleep with, if those aspects are not as much of a make-or-break factor for their own arousal.
I find it interesting, though disheartening, that this circumstantial difference is often written off as “Women are just more emotional in general, and their libidos are fundamentally different from men’s!” I don’t think this is inherently true, but I think a lot of systemic factors have made it seem that way, and people have simplified it in order to understand it better.
In any case, regardless of the gender(s) of the people you have sex with, it’s worth keeping in mind that a sense of safety is probably a component of what helps them get aroused. You can cultivate a safer-feeling environment by doing things like:
- Asking them about their day and making them feel listened to
- Always respecting their sexual boundaries, no matter what
- Being proactive about determining what their boundaries are, so you can respect them
- Setting the scene with calming music, dim lighting, etc.
- Holding space for them to discuss their sexual anxieties openly so you can assuage their fears and avoid their triggers
- Helping with housework and other tasks that may be weighing on their mind before sex
- Asking them what helps them relax and feel able to get aroused – it may be different than what you’d have guessed!
You can keep these strategies in mind when you’re struggling with arousal while you’re alone, too. What stressors are present, and how can you address them, at least enough to feel comfortable setting them aside for a while?
It’s unfortunate that we live in a world where so many people feel unsafe so much of the time, largely for structural reasons that would be lessened or nonexistent in a more just society. But we’ve gotta work within the system we’re stuck inside, for the most part – and sometimes that means giving your partner a backrub while telling them you’re there for them, so that they can feel safe enough to open up to you, sexually and otherwise.
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.