DD/lg

Daddy Dom/little girl kink – i.e. “DD/lg” – is maybe my biggest kink. It feels weird to say that, seeing as it’s only been on my radar for 2-3 years, but it’s true. In the time since coming into and owning up to this kink, I’ve received countless questions about it – so I’ve put together this little FAQ to answer some of the common ones. Hope this helps demystify my foremost perversion for ya!

What is DD/lg?

I’m sure everyone who’s involved in this kink has their own definition, but here’s mine. A DD/lg dynamic is a dominant/submissive dynamic where the style of dominance is more nurturing, benevolent, and supportive than the typical media model that paints dominance as vicious, punitive, or humiliating. There is also an element of ageplay, where the submissive inhabits a psychologically small/young role and the dominant may inhabit a role close to their own age or older than themselves.

What makes someone a Daddy Dom?

If you enjoy playing a dominant role in D/s dynamics but would rather your scenes be about supporting, uplifting, guiding, and nurturing your submissive than humiliating them, hurting them, etc., then you might be a Daddy Dom. That said, this type of dominance can also involve some discipline, pain, and so on, so you don’t have to rule that stuff out completely. Self-identified Daddy Doms are also usually drawn to the ageplay element of this kink, whether they eroticize feeling older/wiser/bigger than their partner, or their partner acting smaller/younger than them, or both.

If you’re curious about this identity but unsure how you feel about it, here’s a Twitter thread where Daddy Doms explained how they first became aware of and comfortable with that identity for themselves. There are some cute anecdotes in it!

Signs of a probable daddy dom, in my experience:
-Gives copious compliments/encouragement
-Likes eliciting reactions, from laughter to moans
-Finds pigtails and thigh-high socks attractive
-Calls you diminutive pet names even if younger than you

— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) December 3, 2017

How do you know if you’re a little?

I can’t speak for everyone with this kink, but I know how I knew. When I went into a submissive headspace during scenes, I often felt smaller and younger than I did in my everyday life, and found myself slipping into a “little voice” to match (higher-pitched, gigglier, sentences constructed in a more juvenile way). I eroticized feeling younger than many of my dominant partners, even when they were my age or younger. I also noticed that I liked pain and roughness during sex but preferred to view it not as a punishment but instead as something I was enduring to prove myself to my dominant, or even as a reward. My preferred flavor of dominance is one that’s more interested in building me up than cutting me down.

Some littles get even more intensely into the role of a younger person, and may incorporate elements like stuffed animals, coloring books, and pacifiers into their play. I have never been interested in those more overt symbols of ageplay, but for those who are, a DD/lg dynamic (or something similar) could be a way to use those interests.

What’s up with the gendered language?

Anyone can be a Daddy Dom or a “little girl,” regardless of their gender or genitalia. There are also “Mommy Doms,” “little boys,” non-binary versions of either role, etc. As with any kink, there may be more common ways of playing it out but that doesn’t mean you’re limited to those avenues; you can make it yours in whatever way makes sense for you and your partner(s). As for me, I’m a submissive woman who mostly dates dominant men, so the DD/lg dynamic is the specific version of this type of relationship that I’ve played with most often and am currently involved in.

Do you have to use the word “Daddy”?

Nope! Some people hate that word, find it gross/upsetting/triggering, or just don’t particularly connect with it, and that’s totally fine. You can still play with a nurturing style of D/s even if you use different words for it. For example, “Sir” is a word I’ve commonly subbed in for “Daddy” in situations where the latter just didn’t feel quite right for whatever reason. You and your partner(s) can choose whichever honorific(s) you prefer. That goes for any names the submissive wants to go by, as well.

How did you, personally, discover you were into this kink?

I’ve always had crushes on older men, especially those in positions of authority over me, like professors. I used to think this was only because I’ve been a precocious old soul my whole life, but in retrospect, I think there’s also always been a kink element at play. I’m drawn to dominant masculine types who project an easy confidence and a touching level of concern about me and my well-being.

My first DD/lg fantasies surfaced during a class at journalism school that was taught by a hot older lawyer from whom I craved a firm over-the-knee spanking. Not too long after that, I listened to the ageplay episode of Why Are People Into That?, which gave some language to these concepts I had been considering. I started exploring DD/lg dynamics in my relationships, mostly by calling dominant partners “Sir” while wishing I was brave enough to call them “Daddy.” Last summer, I dated my first self-identified Daddy Dom, and while that relationship didn’t work out, it showed me that this dynamic was indeed something I wanted/needed in my life. Now I’m dating another Daddy and I’m so happy!

How does this kink manifest during sex?

I can’t and won’t speak for other DD/lg kinksters, because I’m sure their sex lives vastly vary from person to person. For me, sex with a Daddy Dom usually involves some combination of: Daddy controlling the action of the scene and deciding what we do and when; Daddy “making” me take pain (e.g. spanking, scratching, face-slapping) and/or other difficult sensations (e.g. fisting, forced orgasm play) “for my own good” or for his amusement/gratification; Daddy requesting or demanding service (e.g. blowjobs, handjobs) for his pleasure; Daddy training/instructing me in certain sexual activities (e.g. how to blow him exactly the way he likes it, how to take his whole fist inside me); Daddy giving me pleasure and orgasms, especially as rewards I’ve earned and/or as a treat I have to ask/beg for; Daddy pushing me to my emotionally cathartic limits via intense sensation (e.g. spanking, face-slapping), again, “for my own good;” and Daddy giving me hella good aftercare to make me feel safe and supported once we’re done playing.

You know you’re dating a daddy dom when you pause in the middle of phone sex to take your iron supplement and he calls you a good girl for doing so and then seamlessly ricochets off into other related dirty talk

— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) February 6, 2018

How does this kink manifest outside the bedroom?

The DD/lg dynamic doesn’t have to extend outside of sex, but for many folks with this kink, it does. Personally, my Daddy gives me some structure and discipline I relish, like when he sends me a reward (e.g. a video of him winking) for finishing a big work project, or gives me an incentive (e.g. a good long phone-sex session at the end of the day) to take better care of myself. He guides and advises me, within negotiated limits, on both professional and personal matters. Sometimes he gives me tasks or instructions designed to expand my horizons and improve my life, like when he instructs me to go to a restaurant I’ve never been to before or talk to someone I’ve been crushing on. He holds me accountable, making me want to finish all my work and accomplish great things so he’ll be proud of me. His love and support make me feel safe and motivated.

I asked my Daddy what he gets out of the nonsexual parts of our dynamic, and here’s what he said:

“Being able to guide, support, motivate, protect you makes me feel competent and trusted. It makes me feel bigger, like if I can help take care of this other person, I must know what I’m doing somewhat. It makes me feel closer to you when I can anticipate your needs and wants. It makes me feel like you’re fully trusting me when you let me tell you what I think is best for you, let me pick your clothes, and let me give you guidance on career stuff. I get this huge hit of pride when something I guide you toward works out. And even when it doesn’t perfectly, I learn more about my little girl.

It’s also nice sometimes ’cause it lets me do things I want to do, like carrying your stuff, without feeling like I’m taking away any agency or putting you down. Because it’s consensual and for a good reason. Same for picking your drinks.”

Does this have anything to do with actual incest?

Nooo! Or at least, not in the literal sense. I’ve never, to my knowledge, met a DD/lg kinkster who had sexual feelings about their actual parent or child. And I certainly have never had sexual feelings about my actual father.

What’s hot to me about the DD/lg dynamic is the power imbalance, the nurturing quality, and the taboo of it. Those qualities could all exist just as easily in a professor/student dynamic, doctor/patient, step-dad/step-daughter, and various others. I’m not married to the idea of my kink dynamics implying familial relations.

That said, for some people, incest itself is a kink. They may enjoy the taboo of that dynamic. However, from what I’ve gathered in talking to some of those kinksters, even their proclivities aren’t about literally wanting to fuck members of their own actual family. It’s a roleplay, a fantasy, a series of archetypes.

How did you get over shame and self-judgment about this kink?

I am fortunate that a lot of my kinks have come into vogue recently, so they’re more societally accepted than they would’ve been a few years ago. Calling partners “Daddy” is a relatively normal thing now, for example (hotly debated sometimes, yes, but normalized nonetheless). Full-on DD/lg dynamics obviously take this further than your typical “Fuck me harder, Daddy” thrown into occasional dirty-talk, but many people at least have a touchstone now for what could make this kink hot, so I’m less ashamed about this interest than I used to be.

A big part of my shame centered on the names and words themselves, actually, especially the word “Daddy.” For a long time I had trouble saying it out loud; it made me cringe and blush, which I figured meant I just wasn’t that into it. But the more that I practiced saying it and thinking it, the easier it got. Sometimes I would practice while masturbating. Sometimes I would murmur it in a partner’s ear if I was too shy to look into their eyes when I said it. Sometimes I would just think it until I felt brave enough to say it. It was a process.

It’s also helped me a lot to only date/fuck people who are sex-positive, kink-positive, open-minded and non-judgmental. Which is easier said than done, sadly.

Does the Daddy Dom have to be older/bigger/stronger than the submissive?

Nope! I know people whose Daddies are younger than them. My last Daddy was 5 inches shorter than me. My current Daddy is just over a year older than me. Age and size aren’t nearly as important to me as how the person makes me feel. As long as I feel small, safe, and submissive in their presence, all those other factors are superfluous.

Granted, some people have an easier time getting into a submissive headspace when their partner is bigger, older, and/or stronger than them, or when their partner holds more real-world power than they do (privilege, financial capital, etc.) – and if you’re one of those people, then that’s a good thing to know about yourself so you can find what you’re looking for.

How does punishment work in this dynamic?

I think this must differ a lot from person to person, depending on what’s helpful to them psychologically, what turns them on sexually, what they do or don’t conceptualize as a punishment, and what past traumas they may or may not have related to the idea of punishment.

Personally, I don’t do well with traditional punishments. They make me feel like a massive failure and like my partner is actually mad at me, which can lead me into an anxious or depressive spiral. I function much better with positive reinforcement, and don’t get much out of punishment psychologically or sexually.

That said, my Daddy and I have come up with some punishments for me that don’t totally break my brain. Being told to clean my room, wash all my sex toys, or go to an event (because I’m a dyed-in-the-wool introvert) are all things I don’t find especially fun but that are ultimately productive and positive, so they can function as a punishment without making me miserable.

How does this kink interact with non-monogamy?

I would be interested in hearing other DD/lg kinksters’ answers to this, because my experience is that I don’t think I could have multiple Daddies at once, and I certainly haven’t dealt well with the thought of my Daddies having other “little girls.” This dynamic can make me jealous and possessive in a way I don’t feel as much anymore with more traditional D/s dynamics or vanilla relationships. Part of my enjoyment hinges on being not only his little girl but his favorite little girl, his precious perfect only little girl, and maybe some people would say that’s “bad poly,” but right now that’s how I feel.

The DD/lg dynamic requires deep vulnerability and trust (for me and many folks I know, at least), and I find it difficult to go into that vulnerable space when I’m also grappling with jealous feelings. I’ve dealt with this by establishing “DD/lg exclusivity” both of the times I’ve dated a Daddy Dom: we were able to date and fuck other people as per usual, but we reserved names like “Daddy” and “little one” just for each other, and didn’t explore that particular D/s style with others. These boundaries helped me – and continue to help me – feel emotionally safe enough to go deep into our DD/lg connection.

I asked my Daddy for his thoughts on this, as someone more experienced with non-monogamy than I am but who had never done the DD/lg thing before meeting me, and here’s what he said:

Because this is new to me, I’m not sure how my jealousy/compersion feelings would have worked. When you tell me that I’m your Daddy, that already feels very singular and special to me, and I think it’d be hard for my brain to conceptualize two or more. Also once I started viewing you as my little girl, I didn’t want that with anyone else/think it’d be hard for me to have this dynamic with two people at once, because it’s so intense and emotional.

 

What other questions do you have about DD/lg? Leave ’em in the comments!

 

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