I’ve written quite a few articles about sex dolls and sex robots over the years, so I’ve encountered plenty of anti-sex-doll stigma while researching these products. One common argument, often made by people who are basically well-meaning, goes as follows:
“It’s fine if someone wants to own and use a sex doll, so long as it doesn’t interfere with their ability to form human relationships.”
Today I’m going to go on the record about a hot take of mine: I think it’s fine to use sex dolls even if they do disincentivize you from seeking a relationship – so long as you’re okay with that. Let me explain…
Not everyone wants romance or sex!
Yep: asexual and aromantic people might well enjoy a sex doll even if they don’t enjoy dating/fucking actual people. My allo (non-ace/aro) readers may be wondering, “Why would someone want a sex toy, presumably to be used during masturbation, if they’re asexual?!” and the answer is that sexual attraction is different and separate from sexual behavior and sexual desires. For instance, a straight woman might jerk off to lesbian porn sometimes because it focuses primarily on clit stimulation, but that doesn’t negate her heterosexuality – or a gay man might impulsively hook up with a female friend just to ‘try it out,’ and might even have a good time, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s gay.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction – but many ace people still masturbate and/or have sex. And since there’s a high degree of overlap between the asexual and aromantic communities, it’s entirely plausible that some ace and/or aro people might enjoy using sex dolls and other types of sex toys. These products supply sexual pleasure without the requirement of seeking human connection that may or may not be wanted.
There are also people who don’t identify as ace or aro but are celibate for various reasons – perhaps due to trauma or mental health struggles, or perhaps just as a matter of choice – and those folks could get a lot of value out of sex dolls too. If you’ve been in nonconsensual situations before that made you feel very out of control, for instance, I can see how it could be deeply empowering to get yourself a custom sex doll – you have full control over the doll and how you engage with it, which could be less scary and triggering than sex with a human being.
You don’t owe the world a cookie-cutter love story!
As queer, trans, kinky, and polyamorous people already know well, the world is full of harmful myths about what constitutes a ‘healthy’ or ‘acceptable’ relationship. There are infinite different ways to structure and label our relationships – so, although you may be drowning in cultural messages to the contrary, you have no obligation to get into a monogamous, long-term romantic relationship, or any other kind of relationship, for that matter. Your life is yours to design!
As disability and anti-fatness advocates often point out, our society mandates health as a moral good, which is why so many people feel justified in shaming fat folks and disabled folks for not ‘working hard enough’ to meet a particular definition of health. This practice is harmful and wrong-headed, not only because health depends on some factors we have no choice over (like disabilities and genetics), but also because no one is morally obligated to be healthy. Health versus illness is a practical consideration, not an ethical one.
Likewise, there’s nothing intrinsically good or bad about being in a relationship, or not being in a relationship – whether temporarily, or for decades at a time! Don’t get me wrong: humans are social creatures, and if someone lacks any meaningful social connection in their life (including friendships), that’s likely not healthy for them, and I would counsel them to join local hobby/interest-based groups to meet people. But romantic and sexual connection are not requirements for a life well-lived, and don’t let anybody tell you different.
Ultimately, it’s just a toy
I think what people tend to forget, when they clutch their pearls about sex toys ‘replacing’ human connection, is that these products simply… don’t replace human connection. A sex doll can’t make you laugh, fascinate you in conversation, or make you feel truly loved. Even as A.I. technologies get better, I don’t foresee humanoid robots ever fully overtaking humans as our preferred sexual partners. Real people are fallible, imaginative, imperfect, and human, and that’s why it’s dynamic and exciting to connect with them. I love knowing that a partner chose to touch me in a specific way because of a combination of their own preferences and their knowledge of my preferences – and I find it tough to believe a robot could ever replicate that, in large part because robots cannot experience desire. (Fight me, philosophy majors. No, seriously, feel free to fight me about this in the comments; I’m curious to hear your take!)
If someone truly feels that all of their romantic and sexual needs (to the extent that they have them) are sated by a sex doll, I’m happy for them! We all should be so lucky as to have our needs abundantly met. And if they find, instead, that something is missing and that they want to continue seeking human connection, I’m happy for them too. The more pleasures you pursue and experience, the closer you get to building your ideal life – by which I mean, the life that is ideal for you, specifically. You’re the only one who gets to decide that.
So no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with owning a sex doll, even if it does lead to a change in your romantic and sexual priorities. That’s your choice to make, because it’s your life to live – and if you want to live it hand-in-hand (or dick-in-vag) with a sex doll, more power to you. Just make sure, for fuck’s sake, that you clean it properly after every use.
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.