blowjob

A Dick Worth Sucking

Kate Sloan

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A friend once told me that in her ideal life, she would give a blowjob every day. Her partner would get home from work in the evening, he’d drop his pants, she’d suck him off, and then they’d go about the rest of their night. She considers giving head as important to her emotional well-being as the other self-care routines in her life, like skincare, yoga, and long leisurely baths.

I think about this often, and my opinion on it seems to change from week to week. There are times when the thought of a daily blowjob is so unappealing, I want to keep my mouth closed for the rest of my goddamn life. And then there are times – like now, for instance – when even just the mental image of a cock resting on my tongue is enough to get me going. And I think: a blowjob a day? Every day? For the foreseeable future? Yes please.

But why does my attitude about BJs flip-flop so drastically? I think it comes down to the dicks that I have at my disposal at any given time. Because if there’s not a dick worth sucking in my life, I barely think about blowjobs. But as soon as I find a cock that makes my mouth happy, it’s all I can think about. I’ve got BJs on the brain. Like, nonstop.

My idea of the Perfect Blowjob Recipient is multi-faceted. Partly, it’s about technical specs. Is the dick shaped and sized in such a way that it won’t make my jaw ache after thirty seconds or curve up into my uvula? Is it clean, well-groomed, and pleasant to the touch? Does it harden in my mouth satisfyingly when I’m doing a good job?

But what makes or breaks any kind of sex for me, what takes a cock from “aesthetically pleasing” to “incredibly fun to suck,” is really the personality of my partner. More than the physical sensations of sex, what makes an encounter memorable for me is how much fun it was, how excited I felt, how my emotions and psychology got looped into the experience. And with that in mind, I have some tips for folks who want to be a good blowjob recipient. Or at least, my ideal blowjob recipient.

Firstly and most importantly: make me feel comfortable. Set me at ease. Prioritize my safety and emotional well-being above your pleasure at all times. Maybe that sounds like a lot of work, but it’s really just a chain reaction you can set up once and it’ll domino the rest of the way with only occasional nudges from you. Say things like: “You look gorgeous doing that.” “Is this okay?” “Your mouth feels so good.” “Let me know if you get tired and want to stop; that’s totally fine.”

My anxieties and insecurities are what kept me from loving blowjobs for a damn long time. I was so distracted by thoughts of my own inadequacy that I missed out on the actual sensual pleasure of having a cock in my mouth. If you front-load enough of these assurances into our first few BJs together, you’ll imbue me with the confidence and calm to keep giving you stellar head without getting nervous about it. It doesn’t take a lot of effort and the payoff is enormous.

Secondly: fucking appreciate what I am doing. And I don’t just mean privately feel grateful for my blowjobs inside your own head. I mean express your appreciation. Tell me when something feels good. Bring it up not only during, but after the fact: “That blowjob last night was amazing.” “That thing you did with your tongue made me come so hard.” “I loved the way you touched my balls.”

Make some noise. In talking to other women about sex with men, one of our main complaints – and that’s not an exaggeration – is that men don’t make enough noise. Performing oral sex on a silent partner is unsatisfying in the same way that it’s unsatisfying to flip a light switch when the bulb has burned out. In past relationships, when my blowjob enthusiasm has dwindled, it’s been because I got tired of pouring my heart and soul into a dick that might as well have been a banana for all the response I was getting. It can take some time to train yourself into making noise in bed if it doesn’t come naturally to you, but it’s worth doing: your sounds guide me, fuel me and reward me. And that means you get more BJs.

Thirdly: cultivate the skill of giving direction that doesn’t feel like a rejection. I love the process of teaching someone how to get me off, and I love being on the receiving end of those lessons as well. But this requires a careful balance of correction and compassion, and it’s easy to fuck that up.

Never tell me that I’m doing something wrong; show me how to do it right, instead. Never imply that the way you like your dick sucked is the only way, the best way, or the way I should have learned long ago; acknowledge that it’s just the way you like it, so it might take me a while to learn. Encourage me when I do what you want, with pleasure noises, words of affirmation, and physical touch. God, if I could learn everything in my life by having a hot person stroke my hair and call me “good girl” when I got it right, I’d be way better at volleyball and piano and CSS than I am.

Our culture teaches men that their sexual pleasure is a foregone conclusion, that they should be reserved and stoic in bed, and that all women should love giving blowjobs for their own sake. Not all of these beliefs are necessarily evil, but they do add up to a whole lot of men who don’t adequately appreciate, thank and reward the people who blow them. And I know my experience isn’t universal by any means, but when I feel unappreciated and unacknowledged, I feel unsexy. It’s your enthusiasm that will get you laid, and laid well.

This month brought the first time in my life when I actively craved giving a BJ the same way I crave having sexual things done to me. My lips and tongue and throat ached for it, the way my clit can ache for pressure or my cunt can ache for fullness. And it was because the particular person I was fantasizing about is indeed my Ideal Blowjob Recipient. His dick is on-point, sure, but it’s his behavior, his attitude, his whole approach to receiving head that makes me want to drop to my knees in front of him literally whenever he asks.

My mouth-lust for him got so bad that I did something I could have never predicted I’d do. “Hey, I’m sorry if this comes across as totally crass or un-‘chill,'” I wrote to him, “but I can’t stop thinking about going down on you and I’d really like to do it again soon.”

And, what do you know? He took me up on my offer. See? I told you enthusiasm will get you laid.

12 Days of Girly Juice: 2 Fears Defeated

Kate Sloan

I wanted to write about fears, because anxiety is a big part of my life. It affects me when I’m writing a difficult exam or performing music in front of a crowd, so of course, it affects me when I’m gettin’ sexy, too.

But this was an interesting year of forcing myself out of comfort and into discovery. I try to do that every year, but 2015 was a year where I really felt like I succeeded. Here are two fears I confronted headfirst in 2015…

 

1. Being watched during blowjobs

Oh, I know. I’ve talked your ear off about this before. But it really was major.

In 2011–2012, I went from “crying and hyperventilating at the very thought of giving a BJ” to “enthusiastically going down as long as the recipient had their eyes closed or a blindfold on.” And it was only in 2015 that I finally felt able to give a BJ without caring if the recipient was looking.

Of the five (!!) men to whom I gave blowjobs in 2015, only two received my spiel about “hey, I have a weird thing where I don’t like to be looked at during BJs; would you mind turning the light out/closing your eyes/looking the other way?” And both of those times were first times with the partners in question, so it was normal for me to be nervous.

I even caught myself slyly looking up at a partner while his dick was in my mouth recently, and as basic as that is, I can’t recall ever doing that before. The thought of it always previously gave me sooooo much anxiety about how I looked while giving head (slutty, silly, whatever). It felt like a massive step forward to even be able to exchange those two seconds of eye contact.

And hey, guess what? 2015 also brought the first time I ever gave a blowjob with spectators. Our cuddle-pile and emergency threesome at Playground involved me blowing someone while 1–2 other people looked on. And honestly, it didn’t freak me out at all. I barely even thought about it. I was just excited to have a cute boy’s cock in my mouth.

 

2. Threesomes

I had two threesomes in 2015, which is apparently enough that I now warrant the nickname “Threesome Girl.” (Seriously, someone called me this. People are strange.)

Recently I got into a discussion with some coworkers about threesomes, and one of them said, “I don’t think I’d ever have one. It doesn’t seem like it’d be fun.” This amused me because that’s what I used to think, too. Sex with more than two participants just didn’t seem up my alley. I thought it’d feel less intimate, more scattered, and that one person would inevitably feel left out of the action.

I also questioned whether I’d ever find two people who I was actively attracted to, who were also both attracted to each other. It seemed like a longshot at best.

Both of my threesomes thus far were very impromptu, each happening within a couple hours of being suggested, and I think that’s the only way they would’ve worked for me. Given advance notice, I would have panicked and talked myself out of it. “There are too many ways this could go wrong,” I would have thought. But everything went blissfully right.

There was none of the detachment or awkwardness I had feared. Both experiences felt shockingly intimate – sometimes even moreso than sex with only one person. I felt close to the action even at times when I wasn’t directly involved in it.

And though I had long denounced any threesomes where all three participants weren’t scaldingly attracted to each other, that part was actually fine too. Me and Bex don’t have sex with each other or even kiss, and that was perfectly okay because we were both so into the guy we were boning. Me and Georgia don’t have a particularly sexual connection either, but she nonetheless went down on me like a champ, and we both enjoyed it. I’m learning that there are a lot of complicated factors involved in making a sexual experience feel fun, and white-hot attraction isn’t necessarily mandatory (at least, not for me).

 

What sexual fears did you face in 2015?

A Tale of Three Blowjobs: Getting Over Penis Terror, Continued

Kate Sloan

My very first post on this blog was about something I termed “penis terror.” Maybe that doesn’t bode especially well as a kick-off to a sex blog… but at the time, it was the main sexual issue occupying my mind.

See, when I was a youngin (by which I mean age 15–18), penises – and men in general – made me very, very nervous. I had a plethora of anxieties and neuroses about male sexuality. I believed men were hard-wired to be sexually aggressive, to put their own sexual desires above women’s, and to judge women’s sexual performance against impossible pornographic standards. And that shit terrified me.

It’s so embarrassing and strange to recount this now, but in my first sexual relationship with a cis guy, I literally cried the first several times his penis was brought up in sexual conversation. I was so fucking nervous and I can’t even explicitly identify, in retrospect, what was making me so nervous. It was just a fear of the unknown, I guess.

I worried I would be bad at pleasing penises, and that my boyfriend would judge me or leave me for it; I worried that touching penises would somehow make me “slutty” or “tainted,” even though I intellectually knew these are bullshit concepts; and, maybe most frighteningly of all, I worried I wouldn’t like penises. I was petrified that I’d turn out to be biromantic but homosexual – because I knew I wanted to date and kiss and cuddle with men most of the time, but I didn’t know if I also wanted to fuck them. And that was a scary, dicey question hanging in the air.

 

But my feelings about penises have transformed monumentally over the years. I crave them, I appreciate them, I write them love songs and gratitude missives. They’re kind of one of my favorite things.

There’s no clearer barometer of my penis-comfort than my attitude about performing oral sex on them. So, for your amusement: a tale of three blowjobs.

 

1.

My journal entry for July 5th, 2011 begins: “Today will go down in history as the first time I ever put a penis in my mouth.” A tad dramatic, perhaps, but it really did feel that significant to me.

I was nineteen years old. My very non-scientific Twitter poll indicates that this makes me a relatively late bloomer. What can I say? Willies gave me the willies. But when I did finally get around to it (with some very gentle prompting from my then-boyfriend), it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Granted, he didn’t come in my mouth that first time, which definitely made it easier to handle. But, overall, I considered it a huge step forward and an even huger relief. I had a major fear reference; I felt invincible.

“Throughout all of this penis stuff,” I wrote in my journal, “I have learned that there are two things I need in order to comfortably jump into a fear: a supportive, loving, respectful environment, and a little push.”

 

2.

After the aforementioned First Penis In My Mouth (and its owner) exited my life, I started to wonder if the same fears would rear their head again when I got another dude into my bed.

I broke a long dry spell by romancing a cute guy from the internet. During the proceedings, he very politely asked if I’d go down on him, and I immediately did, and it was good.

It wasn’t until a couple days later that it occurred to me: Huh. What took me literal months of waffling and wailing with my first serious boyfriend only took one respectful request with a hook-up. I guess I really am over that fear at long last.

The one fellatio-related anxiety that lingered for me, though, was being watched while going down. Maybe it’s linked to my fanaticism over blowjob porn and some shitty internalized ideas about “sluttiness,” or maybe it’s just insecurity about the way I look, but I’ve always hated being watched while giving a BJ.

I explained this to Adorable Internet Hook-up and he seemed to have no problem with it whatsoever. We turned off the light and all was fine and good. But, well, you hear a lot of things about how the visual of a BJ is almost as important for men as the actual sensations. Obviously preferences vary from person to person, but as someone who loves watching, say, Heather Harmon inhale a dick, I totally get the appeal. And I was bummed I still couldn’t be looked at while my mouth was full of cock.

 

3.

Shortly thereafter, I had sex with a… uh, how do I even put this? A friend who I also now like to kiss and have sex with? (Um, obviously I am new to this whole sex-outside-of-relationships thing, but, semantic difficulties aside, it is fucking great.)

When a blowjob became imminent, he grabbed his glasses off the nightstand where he had set them during our makeouts. I asked him what he was doing and he said, “I want to watch.”

For some reason I didn’t even think twice about this. I guess I was preoccupied by the prospect of a cock in my mouth. (Cocks!!!) As before, it took a day or two for my brain to properly process the magnitude of what had happened. I had let someone watch me blow him! And this had previously been one of my biggest sexual insecurities!

As we were putting our clothes back on afterward and getting ready to leave, the guy even said to me that he thought I’d look hot giving him a beej on my knees, and instead of reacting with terror, I just giggled with delight. Because, yes, this is a thing that I would like to do…

 

Did you have any anxieties or insecurities to deal with when you first started giving oral sex? How did you overcome them?

Monthly Favorites: Smulder Smut & Cumshots

Kate Sloan

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Toys

• I’m still diggin’ on the rechargeable Magic Wand. When you want an easy, quick orgasm to alleviate stress, the Magic Wand is the natural choice. That was my situation this month: I had so many deadlines and work gigs that most of my orgasms were of the perfunctory sort. And the Wand was, indeed, Magic in that respect.

• My G-spot’s favorite plaything this month was, once again, the Njoy Eleven. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. Sometimes I fall asleep cuddling it. Sometimes I take it in the bath and stay in there for an hour or more. Sometimes it makes me come so hard that I fall off my bed. What can I say? I’m smitten.

• When I could convince myself to use a dildo that wasn’t the Eleven (a rarity), I usually reached for the Tantus Uncut #1 this month. Its girth is ideal for my current preferences, and its realistic-ness went well with all my recent Fox Mulder fantasies (see below).

Fantasy fodder

• I binge-watched season 1 of The X Files in July, and, well, you know me: if I love a show, I love its fanfic too. Archive of Our Own is absolutely rife with Mulder/Scully smut and I am 100% on board. Of particular interest? Scrabble-fuelled fucking, sexual tension + nipple orgasms, and asexual Mulder/bisexual Scully. (I have a thing for oral servitude, obviously.)

• I feel like I say this in every Monthly Favorites post, but I watched a lot of amateur blowjob porn this month. (There’s that oral servitude kink rearing its head again.) At one point, I typed “best blowjob” into XTube’s search box, and it gave me this. I hit the replay button more times than I care to divulge.

• Do you have dirty-talk phrases that haunt you in your pre-orgasmic moments? Particular words and turns of phrase that, for whatever reason, push you over the edge? Some of mine this month: “You like that?” “Let me make you come.” “Come all over my cock.”

Sexcetera

• SO, I POSSIBLY SQUIRTED. I know I should blog about this properly, but I’m still so paranoid that it was just pee (hence the word “possibly”) that I’m hesitant to write about it in depth, incase it was a total fluke. But here’s the combo that seemed to make it happen: an upright position (as opposed to my usual supine pose), James Deen porn, very fast thrusting of the Eleven, the aforementioned Magic Wand, and a longer-than-usual build-up to orgasm. I looked down right after coming and the handle of the Eleven was dripping, as though my lady-come had spurted down the length of the toy. And then I slid the Eleven out and some more liquid sprayed out onto the floor. Hmmmm. Cool!

• I’ve been noticing lately that it feels best to position vibrators on the upper-right quadrant of my clit, instead of in the middle where I’ve traditionally preferred to be stimulated. Interesting how bodies and preferences change over time! Right now, the closer I can get to my internal clitoris, the better it feels for me. Innnnteresting.

• I started a new dayjob this month and it is in the sexual realm (I can’t say any more than that, unfortunately). It is making me think a lot about the way sex work affects our feelings toward sex in our personal lives (though I should clarify that the work I’m doing probably doesn’t count as sex work, or is at least one of the mildest possible forms of it). It’s strange that I can spend an entire 6-hour shift talking and thinking about other people’s sexual experiences and fantasies, but it isn’t until I’m home with the toys and fantasies that get me off that I actually get turned on. (If you know of any good resources about sex workers’ real-life sex lives and how their work affects it, let me know! I’d love to read about that.)

Femme stuff (fashion + beauty)

• I want to wear MAC Red lipstick every damn day. The satin formula is very comfortable and I love the shade on me. It doesn’t last as long as I would like it to, but it’s so perf that I don’t mind.

• I’ve been wearing my GAP 1969 legging jeans a lot. They’re a faded black color so they go with everything, and they’re stretchy enough to feel good whether I’m working all day, shopping, hanging out, or even doing yoga. Hell yes.

• MAC pigments are soooo glittery! I got one in the color “Rose” recently and I just want to rock sparkly copper eyelids all the damn time.

What turned your crank the most this month, my loves?

Interview: Sophie Delancey from The Art of Blowjob

Kate Sloan

Sophie Delancey is one of the awesomest babes I know. As VP of The Art of Blowjob and The Art of Cunnilingus, she makes (and sometimes performs in!) ridiculously hot oral sex porn. She’s also one of the founders and hosts of Tell Me Something Good here in Toronto, and she does burlesque. What a hard-workin’ fox!

I’ve been wanting to profile some of the wonderful sex-positive folks I know, and Sophie’s the first person I’m interviewing for this series. I hope you feel inspired by her hustle and hotness – I know I do!

Girly Juice: What’s your official title?

Sophie Delancey: I’m the Vice President of our group of websites, and I’m specifically functioning as the sex educator for TheArtofBlowjob.com’s new educational series.

GJ: What does your day-to-day work entail?

SD: What doesn’t it entail? I take care of all of our PR, social media, any writing for the sites/blogs/other sources, handle our business-to-business work, direct/edit/perform from time to time, research/write/record the educational updates, spearhead new projects and generally serve as the voice and first line of contact for the sites.

GJ: What makes Art of Blowjob/Art of Cunnilingus notably different from all the other oral sex porn that’s out there?

SD: We just try to focus on the sensuality and simple beauty of the act. Our filming, editing and shooting experience is all about just gently accentuating what’s so awesome about taking your time to focus on oral sex instead of rushing through it like more goal-oriented sexual scripts. Orgasms are awesome, so are other sex acts, but sometimes the joy is really the ride. We want to do one thing and do it well!

GJ: What is it about oral sex in particular that you find so intriguing?

SD: I love both giving and receiving, putting that together or separating the two. I have a huge oral fixation and I love getting up close and personal with my partner’s body and taking it all in. It’s like sensory overload. I love being overwhelmed. Giving oral sex means enjoying the pleasure of giving pleasure in and of itself, devoting yourself to exactly what makes your partner feel amazing, honing your skills and really devoting yourself to the experience. Receiving means being present in your body, losing the shame that a lot of us have around our genitals, giving yourself over to the experience, finding out what works for you, being a bit selfish and just getting in touch with your sensual self.

GJ: What’s the best part of your job?

SD: I’m loving the educational series on The Art of Blowjob, which is also forthcoming on The Art of Cunnilingus in the next month or so. Breaking down every little tip, technique, piece of advice, trick, communication stumbling block… It’s amazing how much there is to oral sex. I have always loved the times I’ve gotten to give advice/sex education, so this is definitely my strong point.

GJ: And what’s the worst part of your job?

SD: Probably when people make all of the sexist assumptions that people make about women who work in porn… Luckily I’ve got so much support in my life for what I do that it makes it a lot easier to shrug it off.

GJ: What would be your advice for someone who wants to do similar work to what you’re doing?

SD: Diversify! Get a whole bunch of skills. If you want to work in porn, you should probably know how to direct, edit, write, update social media, dabble with web/graphic design, talk a good game about sexuality and have new, interesting ideas. It sounds overwhelming, but jobs in porn (and the arts, politics, non-profits… All the weirder industries!) rely on versatility and people who are really passionate/motivated.

Thanks so much to Sophie Delancey for giving us a glimpse into her work life and sex life! Make sure to check out her fine work at The Art of Blowjob and The Art of Cunnilingus.