dirty talk

What Can (and Can’t) You Learn From Watching Porn?

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb. Just imagine I’m attending a porn screening in this picture, although it was actually an improv show…

There’s perpetually a firestorm of discourse about porn – whether it’s good or bad, realistic or unrealistic, helpful inspiration or misguided misinformation. Personally I think porn can teach us a lot, but people often take the wrong lessons from it. So what can you actually learn from porn, and what can’t you? Here are my thoughts on the matter; I’d love to hear yours in the comments…

 

Things you probably can’t learn from porn:

How to initiate sex

Porn scenes often dive right into the action, which is reasonable – if you’re surfing a porn website, you might very well have one hand down your pants already! But in real life, often you have to (or want to) ease into sex much more gradually, to ensure everyone’s ongoing comfort and consent. This is especially true if you and/or your partner have “responsive desire” (to borrow a term from sexologist Emily Nagoski), in which case initiation might involve slow-burn activities like flirting on a dinner date, making out on the couch, or cuddling naked in bed. If you’re not sure how your partner prefers sex to be initiated, talk it over with them!

Sexual techniques your partner(s) will like

While some porn purports to be educational (and some actually is!), often you’re just seeing techniques that are designed to be visually stimulating, which may or may not actually feel good to the people involved. For instance, when someone is going down on me, I prefer a suction-based technique where my clit is inside someone’s mouth for a lot of the time, but that doesn’t always translate well to porn because you can’t see exactly what they’re doing with their tongue in there! You can certainly look to porn for inspo, but it’s not an instruction manual – for details on how to please your specific partner, you’ll need to ask them yourself, and/or try things out and see what they respond to.

How to do aftercare

I’ve almost never seen aftercare represented in porn, which makes sense – for a lot of us, our post-porn-watching ‘aftercare’ is just closing our laptop and moving on with our day/night! But in real life, whether the sex you’re having is kinky or vanilla, most people appreciate a calming comedown of some sort. Cuddling is a common aftercare staple, for instance, as is pillow talk about the sex you just had. Don’t forget water and a little snack if you need one – sex can be quite a workout sometimes!

 

Things you actually can learn from porn:

Dirty talk skills

Porn stars are, quite literally, pro-level dirty-talkers. It’s a skill well worth learning, given that 91% of people are turned on by it! You don’t have to copy the exact phrases and cadence of your favorite porn stars, but you can use their style as inspiration when developing your own. Whether your roadblock to dirty talk is sexual shame, nervousness, or just not knowing what to say, it can help to listen to porn stars’ salacious parlance and maybe even practice repeating aloud the things they say, so you get used to the way filthy words feel in your mouth.

What high levels of arousal feel like for you

Not everyone struggles with this, but some people experience what’s called “arousal non-concordance”: a frustrating mismatch between your levels of physical and mental arousal. There are many reasons this can occur; for me, I know that I’m prone to dissociation from my body due to trauma, so I sometimes don’t even notice that I’ve gotten physically turned on – or, on the flipside, I might have a mental desire for sex while feeling frustratingly little physical arousal. Porn can be helpful in this regard, because it helps me reach high arousal levels both physically and mentally while alone in the privacy of my room – and the more familiar I become with how that arousal feels in my body and brain, the easier it is for me to recognize it and foster it with partners.

New stuff you might want to try

You can read about certain kinky proclivities all day long, but it may not give you a sense of whether you’d actually enjoy doing those things. Porn, on the other hand – especially the hyper-realism of VR porn (see all studios here for more on that) – can be more vivid and thus more illuminating. There are lots of kinky things I didn’t quite “get” until I saw them done in porn, at which point I wanted to try them out ASAP!

 

What have you learned from porn, dear readers? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

4 Ways to Practice Dirty Talk… Outside of the Bedroom

Kate Sloan
Photo courtesy of mb

Dirty talk intimidates a lot of folks, for the same reason many people would be terrified to get on a stage and do improv: “What do I say?! And what if I make a fool of myself and get laughed at?”

But as with improv, it gets easier the more that you practice, I promise. Here are 4 quick suggestions of settings ‘n’ situations that lend themselves well to dirty-talk drills…

 

1. Talk out loud when you masturbate

Often, the least intimidating way to try something new sexually is to incorporate it into solo sex first. To quote my own book: “Hey, even world-class actors rehearse in private before performing for an audience!”

You could describe the fantasies flitting through your mind, say the things you wish a partner would say to you, or just narrate what you’re physically doing. The point is to get used to saying the words, without filtering yourself too much. If you get stuck, just pretend to be your favorite porn star (or the hottest dirty-talker from your sexual history), and say what they would say!

 

2. Read erotica aloud to one another

This is often easier than coming up with your own original material, as it were, because it gives you plausible deniability: “Oh, it wasn’t me who dreamed up those filthy ideas – it was the author, whose words I was simply reciting!” 😇

But this also gives you practice saying sexy words out loud, and lets you appreciate your partner’s reactions to the hottest parts, which may motivate you to try your hand at dirty talk without a script someday.

 

3. Text your partner “I was just thinking about…”

Sexting is lower-pressure than dirty-talking aloud for many people, so you could always start there. I’ll sometimes tell my partner what I fantasized about during a masturbation session earlier that day, or I might describe a hot erotica story I read or cool porn clip I watched.

Sure, sometimes I feel a flash of shame as I convey these things – that’s natural, in a sex-negative world that frequently punishes authentic expressions of desire – but that’s why it’s good to practice. The more shame I work through, the less of it I feel.

 

4. Fantasize together at a sex shop

Sometimes, when words fail you, it can be helpful to shop sex toys together – the objects on the shelves act as inspiration, much like the ‘suggestion’ that prompts an improv scene!

Weave through the aisles with your sweetheart and point out products that catch your eye, whispering to each other if you dare: “I’d love to bend you over and use that paddle on you.” “Your cock would look so good sinking into that stroker.” “I’d hold that vibe on you until your eyes rolled back in your head.” 😈 Maybe you’ll buy something, maybe not – but the communication you’ll open up between the two of you is priceless.

 

What are your favorite ways to practice talking dirty when you feel a little rusty at it?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

7 Ways to Love Someone Who Needs Words of Affirmation

Kate Sloan

I remember when I first encountered the concept of love languages. I read about it on Gala Darling’s blog, where she hyped this idea as “one of the most useful — and simple — things [she’s] ever learned to help strengthen romantic relationships.” As I delved into researching the love languages, I quickly came to agree with her.

The basic idea of love languages – as laid out by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book on this concept – is that we all have one or two ways we predominantly express love, and that we tend to also feel most loved when we receive affection in our native love language(s). Some people express and receive love in different ways, but in my experience, most people show their feelings for you in the way(s) they would like you to show your feelings for them.

I’ve taken the love languages quiz a few times over the years, and it’s always confirmed what I already know: my two dominant languages are “words of affirmation” and physical touch, in that order. (Incase you’re wondering, the other languages are acts of service, quality time, and gifts.) Touch is important to me – as you might have noticed from all the mushy, starry-eyed things I write about sex! – but words are even more crucial to me. (Hell, that’s probably part of why I’m a writer.) When I like someone, I tell them so – and I don’t really believe someone likes me unless and until I hear it from them, in their own words. Ideally frequently!

When I’ve felt unappreciated in past relationships, it’s often helped to explain this concept to my partner(s). Once they grasp just how important words actually are to me, they can (and often do) adapt their approach accordingly. And I can shift the way I express my feelings to better suit their love language, too.

If you’re dating someone whose love language is words of affirmation and you’re not so good at expressing yourself verbally, don’t worry – I’ve got some suggestions for you! These work for me, and I can’t guarantee they will work for you or your partner(s), but they’re at least a good starting point. Here are some ways a partner can make a person like me feel loved and appreciated with their words…

Tell them what you like about them. You may think it’s obvious and goes without saying that your beau is smart, funny, attractive, and so on, but if their love language is words of affirmation, they need to hear this from the horse’s mouth! Try to use unique, deliberate language, rather than generic compliments that are likely to go in one ear and out the other.

Examples:
“Your lips are so pretty. Every time I look at you, I just wanna kiss ’em.”
“When I first met you, I was drawn to you because of how confident and self-assured you are.”
“I love that you’re so smart. Our conversations are always so interesting and thought-provoking.”

Tell them stories. For a person who values words, stories are often also important. Narratives help us arrange information in our heads and understand things better. You might think it’s pointless to tell your lover a story about your relationship – after all, they were there, too! – but they might find it thrilling and affirming to hear your perspective on something the two of you experienced together. It’ll help them get inside your head and see themselves through your eyes.

Examples:
“God, I was so nervous before our first date! You looked so cute on your OkCupid profile, and you seemed so much smarter than me. I practiced introducing myself in the mirror for like twenty minutes beforehand and changed my shirt three times…”
“Remember the first time we had sex? I was so excited to see you naked for the first time, and to learn how to get you off…”
“I remember the exact moment I realized I’d fallen for you. It was when we went on that date to the aquarium. You looked so stunning in the cool blue light, staring up at the jellyfish…”

Talk dirty to them. I’m not sure if a person’s “love language” is always also their “sex language,” so to speak, but in my case, it definitely is! A linguistically-oriented partner is likely to love it if you whisper in their ear about what you’re gonna do to them later, pay them a vulgar compliment while yanking their clothes off, and monologue filthily at them while you fuck. They’ll enjoy it not only while it’s happening, but also later, when they replay your words in their mind while masturbating, or breathlessly record them in their journal…

Examples:
“I can’t wait til we get home so I can throw you down on the bed and lick your sweet pussy until you come in my mouth.”
“Your cock is so perfect. It hits all my spots and feels so right in my throat. How did I get so lucky?”
“God, your tits look unbelievable in that dress. Bet they’d look even better smeared with my cum.”

Tell them about your dreams and fantasies. This, again, helps them get inside your head and understand how you perceive them and how you feel about them. Whether these are sexy or sweet (or both!), they can give your darlin’ a verbal glimpse into the deep pool of love you have for them in your heart.

Examples:
“Fuck, I had the hottest dream about you last night. You were sucking my cock in an alley, and then…”
“I was just thinking about how nice it’ll be when we move in together next year. I can make you coffee every morning, and we can cuddle in bed every night…”
“We should take a trip to Newfoundland together! You can drive and I’ll navigate. We’ll stay in a little B&B on the coast, watch the sunset every night, and have lots of quiet writing time…”

Give them words they can read and re-read. Texts. Facebook messages. Tweets. Old-fashioned love letters. Whatever your preferred medium, words in a tangible form are nice for a verbally-oriented person to receive, because they can (and will) treasure those words for a long time. As a bonus, this is a great approach if your partner struggles with anxiety or any other mental health issue that messes with their self-worth: when they’re feeling unloveable, they can go back in their screenshots folder or letterbox and read proof to the contrary. (Or you could just say more nice things at them!)

Examples (actual texts from my screenshots folder):
“I like you a lot. You’re very pretty and smart and funny. And you’re a very good girl for me all the time.”
“You’re beautiful, hilarious, have a contagious, sincere laugh, you’re kinky as heck in all the right ways for me (so far as I know), you seem to have an adventurous spirit, and your mind is sharp as fuck.”
“I almost tripped on the sidewalk and cracked my skull. Because of how much I want to sink my teeth into your butt.”

Say nice things unprompted. To a verbally-oriented person, what makes words of affirmation exciting is the knowledge that you wanted to say these things, that you are saying what you authentically feel, and that your feelings were strong enough that you just had to verbalize them. To that end, don’t always wait until your partner compliments you to compliment them back; you’ll take their breath away with spontaneous expressions of love.

Examples:
“Hi babe. Just wanted to tell you how gorgeous you are and how much I adore you. That’s it. Hope your day’s going great!”
“Jesus Christ, your butt in that skirt. Do I get to fuck you tonight? ‘Cause I really, really want to…”
“Has anyone ever told you you’re hilarious and brilliant? ‘Cause you are.”

Tell them how they make you feel. It’s all well and good to tell someone how attractive and wonderful they are, but that stuff’s all about them; your partner wants to hear about you, too. It’s exhilarating to know how you affect someone, and a verbally-oriented person will absorb this information best through words. I love seeing my appearance or behavior elicit a huge grin or a huge boner from a partner, but it’s even nicer if they verbalize what they’re feeling!

Examples:
“I still get nervous butterflies every time we meet up for a date. Hell, my heart’s beating kinda fast right now.”
“Pretty sure that selfie you just sent is giving my dick a heart attack. I need a cold shower. Or a dickfibrillator.”
“When I think about the fact that you’re my boyfriend, I get so happy and grateful, it makes me want to cry.”

What’s your love language? What are your favorite ways to flatter and uplift someone who digs words of affirmation?

Monthly Favorites: Smulder Smut & Cumshots

Kate Sloan

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Toys

• I’m still diggin’ on the rechargeable Magic Wand. When you want an easy, quick orgasm to alleviate stress, the Magic Wand is the natural choice. That was my situation this month: I had so many deadlines and work gigs that most of my orgasms were of the perfunctory sort. And the Wand was, indeed, Magic in that respect.

• My G-spot’s favorite plaything this month was, once again, the Njoy Eleven. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. Sometimes I fall asleep cuddling it. Sometimes I take it in the bath and stay in there for an hour or more. Sometimes it makes me come so hard that I fall off my bed. What can I say? I’m smitten.

• When I could convince myself to use a dildo that wasn’t the Eleven (a rarity), I usually reached for the Tantus Uncut #1 this month. Its girth is ideal for my current preferences, and its realistic-ness went well with all my recent Fox Mulder fantasies (see below).

Fantasy fodder

• I binge-watched season 1 of The X Files in July, and, well, you know me: if I love a show, I love its fanfic too. Archive of Our Own is absolutely rife with Mulder/Scully smut and I am 100% on board. Of particular interest? Scrabble-fuelled fucking, sexual tension + nipple orgasms, and asexual Mulder/bisexual Scully. (I have a thing for oral servitude, obviously.)

• I feel like I say this in every Monthly Favorites post, but I watched a lot of amateur blowjob porn this month. (There’s that oral servitude kink rearing its head again.) At one point, I typed “best blowjob” into XTube’s search box, and it gave me this. I hit the replay button more times than I care to divulge.

• Do you have dirty-talk phrases that haunt you in your pre-orgasmic moments? Particular words and turns of phrase that, for whatever reason, push you over the edge? Some of mine this month: “You like that?” “Let me make you come.” “Come all over my cock.”

Sexcetera

• SO, I POSSIBLY SQUIRTED. I know I should blog about this properly, but I’m still so paranoid that it was just pee (hence the word “possibly”) that I’m hesitant to write about it in depth, incase it was a total fluke. But here’s the combo that seemed to make it happen: an upright position (as opposed to my usual supine pose), James Deen porn, very fast thrusting of the Eleven, the aforementioned Magic Wand, and a longer-than-usual build-up to orgasm. I looked down right after coming and the handle of the Eleven was dripping, as though my lady-come had spurted down the length of the toy. And then I slid the Eleven out and some more liquid sprayed out onto the floor. Hmmmm. Cool!

• I’ve been noticing lately that it feels best to position vibrators on the upper-right quadrant of my clit, instead of in the middle where I’ve traditionally preferred to be stimulated. Interesting how bodies and preferences change over time! Right now, the closer I can get to my internal clitoris, the better it feels for me. Innnnteresting.

• I started a new dayjob this month and it is in the sexual realm (I can’t say any more than that, unfortunately). It is making me think a lot about the way sex work affects our feelings toward sex in our personal lives (though I should clarify that the work I’m doing probably doesn’t count as sex work, or is at least one of the mildest possible forms of it). It’s strange that I can spend an entire 6-hour shift talking and thinking about other people’s sexual experiences and fantasies, but it isn’t until I’m home with the toys and fantasies that get me off that I actually get turned on. (If you know of any good resources about sex workers’ real-life sex lives and how their work affects it, let me know! I’d love to read about that.)

Femme stuff (fashion + beauty)

• I want to wear MAC Red lipstick every damn day. The satin formula is very comfortable and I love the shade on me. It doesn’t last as long as I would like it to, but it’s so perf that I don’t mind.

• I’ve been wearing my GAP 1969 legging jeans a lot. They’re a faded black color so they go with everything, and they’re stretchy enough to feel good whether I’m working all day, shopping, hanging out, or even doing yoga. Hell yes.

• MAC pigments are soooo glittery! I got one in the color “Rose” recently and I just want to rock sparkly copper eyelids all the damn time.

What turned your crank the most this month, my loves?

Tittyfucking for Small-Breasted Ladies: A Primer

Kate Sloan

I have small tits. No pity, please – I’m okay with it. I used to resent the way they failed to match up with my wide hips, rendering my figure imbalanced and pear-shaped – but I’ve grown to love my itty bitties.

There are, however, a few drawbacks to having smaller bazungas. You get fewer honks in the street (arguably not such a huge loss). You can never dress up as Joan Holloway for Hallowe’en. And, perhaps most importantly, you can’t be properly tittyfucked.

Or can you?

Having just wrapped up a tittyfucking session with my man, it struck me that I should write out a few tips for any minuscule-busted women who still want some penis-to-chest action.

1. Warm him up first. As any even remotely sexually experimental person knows, more arousal = more sensitivity. Try getting him riled up without touching his penis at all – make out with him, kiss his neck, play with his nipples, nibble his thighs… Whatever gets your man going, do it until he’s writhing and moaning for more.

2. Use lube. I would still use lube for this activity even if I had huge tits, because, well, chests don’t self-lubricate. As a general rule, lube improves any sexual activity – so if you have trouble with a particular act, throw some lube into the mix and see if it doesn’t help.

3. Hold your boobs together. Again, I’m sure this is something big-breasted women have to do as well, but it’s especially important if you’re less well-endowed. Gather ‘em up in your hands and use the heels of your palms to push them together around his cock.

4. Use your hands, too. If you’re using your palms to handle your breasts, as I just recommended, then your fingers are free to settle on top of his dick and do some stimulatin’. For example, my man likes pressure right at the base of his cock, so I can administer that with some of my fingers while using the rest to rub and stroke while he pumps away. It provides a little something extra that he loves.

5. Use your verbal and visual talents. Give him something to look at (a sexy gaze, a genuine smile) and something to listen to (dirty talk, moans, what have you). A very basic, but highly effective piece of pillow talk might be something like, “I can’t wait for you to come all over me.”

6. Have a backup plan. Let’s be real here: in our world of circumcised cocks and death grip syndrome, not every guy is going to be sensitive enough to reach orgasm from fucking a pair of teensy tits. It’s no biggie (pun intended!) – just make sure you know what to do next if your plan isn’t working out. You could jerk him off into your mouth, suck him off, or even push him back on the bed and climb on top for some cowgirl action. Whatever it is, don’t feel bad – just because something doesn’t induce an orgasm doesn’t mean it didn’t feel amazing.