Content note: body image, internalized fatphobia, etc.
When I was younger, I was often horribly self-conscious about how I looked during sex. I’m sure many of you can relate.
I was terrified of my belly or thighs looking “too chubby” during sex, and paranoid about certain angles emphasizing a double chin. I fretted about lighting, preferring to be seen as little as possible during the act. I shaved almost every part of my body, very carefully, before every date that I thought might end in sex – and if I later noticed a patch of hair I’d missed, I felt deeply embarrassed about it, like my sexual partner du jour would definitely have noticed this oversight and would have thus judged me as having failed at femininity.
I know a lot of people feel this way, especially women. Porn is often blamed for the high standards we hold ourselves to, but I think the entire media apparatus is really at fault here – from women’s magazines that rate celebrities’ “beach bodies,” to airbrushed and gorgeously-lit sex scenes in movies and TV. There’s a lot of messaging out there which seems to suggest that only conventionally attractive people deserve sex (a standard that often ends up being fatphobic, racist, transphobic, and ableist in its execution). It’s no wonder so many of us are nervous about being seen naked.
And sure, not all of us have Kardashian curves, a J. Lo butt, or Emma Hix feet, but it ultimately doesn’t matter, because imperfections are part of what make sex feel so exciting, so raw, so human.
I love tracing my fingers along a partner’s body and feeling their softness, moles, hairs. I love being able to kiss and compliment parts of a partner’s body that they’ve felt insecure or uncertain about. I love feeling someone relax when they truly absorb the idea that they are safe – that I’m not going to make some snide comment about their shape, or criticize their grooming habits, or walk out in disgust. And I also love when partners take the time to ensure that I, too, can relax in that way. Relaxation is really important for arousal – read Emily Nagoski’s excellent book Come As You Are for more on why stress is the ultimate libido-killer – so anything we can do to help each other chill out will make the ensuing sex much better for everyone involved.
I may not be able to erase all your insecurities in one fell swoop (trust me, I wish I could!), but I do want to offer some actionable advice for those of you who are often distracted and derailed by bad body image thoughts during sex. Here goes…
Ask for the reassurance you need. This is easier to do with established partners than new or one-off partners, but it can be really helpful either way. Try saying something like, “Hey, I’m feeling kind of self-conscious about my [belly/thighs/hips/etc.] today – can you give them a little extra love?” I have been lucky enough to have several partners who would take this kind of request as an opportunity to convey their desire for me both verbally and physically (e.g. by kissing the area[s] in question), which has really helped me.
Reflect on how you feel about your partner’s body (or how you have felt about past partners’ bodies). Odds are good you weren’t obsessively cataloguing and judging their every flaw. In fact, in many cases their so-called “flaws” may have been super hot to you. Well, other people may feel that way about your body, too!
Wear something you feel sexy in. There’s no rule that says you have to get naked whenever you have sex. There’s lots of hot lingerie and loungewear out there, for instance, that you can easily wear while fucking (although you may need to get creative in order to do so, like by pulling the gusset of your underwear to the side). In some cases this can be even hotter than being naked!
Consume different media if your current “media diet” contains a lot of conventionally perfect bodies, which, odds are, it does. Seek out porn and other sexy media from creators whose bodies look more like yours. Over time, this can shift the way you see your own body.
Seek therapy if you can. You deserve a life of wild, unabashed joy, in and out of the bedroom, and unpacking your body image issues with a professional might just be the way to achieve that. I know it’s helped me a lot.
Have you ever struggled with body insecurities during sex? How do you deal with it?
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.