break-up

5 Things I’m More in Touch With, Now That I’m Single Again

Kate Sloan

God, I can’t believe that prior to my break-up this past weekend, it had been over three years since the last time I was single. I mean, wow, man. In high school I sort of conceptualized myself as a “forever alone” type, so it’s truly astonishing to me that I was in a relationship for that long – that someone actually liked me enough to want to be with me and stay with me.

But what’s even more astonishing is that I wanted to be single again, which is what prompted the break-up – and that I’m enjoying the hell out of it already. Yeah, I miss my ex occasionally, like when I see a movie he would’ve liked or when something hilarious happens to me that I wish I could tell him about – but the benefits outweigh the costs and I am loving the single life.

Here are 5 unexpected things I’ve been getting back in touch with, since my break-up…

1. My natural cycle.

Well, not quite yet, but soon. Yes, an exciting announcement: I’ve gone off hormonal birth control!

While I dig how it’s kept my periods regular and my skin relatively calm, I’ve never been thrilled about pumping myself full of hormones, especially given that I’ve got a family history of breast cancer, a fact that doesn’t bode well when mixed with estrogen. And of course, birth control comes with a host of possible side effects, which, for me, included increased cramps, premenstrual irritability, depression, and sometimes suicidal ideation.

I’m looking forward to seeing what my ovaries and uterus will do when left to their own devices. A couple years before going on HBC, I was diagnosed with a benign ovarian cyst that really messed with my cycles, but it had shrunk considerably at the time that I started on the pill, so it’s possible it’s gone completely now – in which case, I might actually have regular periods! Hooray!

2. My natural vaginal aroma.

Uh, yeah, totally TMI. Sorry-not-sorry.

When I’m sexually active, I’m always worrying about vaginal smells, even though I consider myself body-positive and my partners have always told me not to concern myself with that stuff.

I mean, when I knew I was going to receive oral sex for the first time at age 16, I snuck away to the bathroom and gave myself a pre-cunnilingus scrubdown with DivaWash. And the girl told me I tasted slightly soapy so probably I shouldn’t have bothered.

Well, anyway. Now that no one’s face is down there regularly, I’m being less obsessive about keeping things pristine in that region. And it’s nice. I’m discovering that I actually don’t hate the way I smell. Maybe it’s the changes I’ve made to my diet and exercise routine lately, but the fragrance is actually kind of… sweet. Earthy. Natural. Lovely. Hmm…

3. Flirty energy.

Holy shit, this is blowing my mind.

I may have mentioned here before that my ex and I had an “arrangement” – a compromise between his desire for total monogamy and my complaint that the lack of flirtatious possibilities in my life was making me feel dead inside. (It’s possible that I’m a bit melodramatic.) We had negotiated that we were both allowed to flirt with and kiss other people, on a don’t-ask-don’t-tell basis. (That part wasn’t my idea. You might be able to tell from my blog that I always prefer to talk things out and be 100% honest, but the boyf just wasn’t into that.)

Well, despite this tiny negotiated degree of openness, I never felt quite right about flirting with other people while I was “taken.” I hated hiding it from my partner, and I felt like it was somehow dishonest to the people I was flirting with, too – like they’d believe it could go further than it actually could. Kissing was the hard limit; some folks tried to push past that boundary, thinking surely it would be okay, and I always had to stop them, even though it felt really unnatural to do so.

Obviously, all this guilt and concealment also meant that I couldn’t blog about my adventures, lest they be read by the boyfriend or by a relative or family friend who didn’t know about our monogamishness and wouldn’t have understood it if they did.

Now that all barriers to flirtation have been wrecking-ball’ed into oblivion, I can flirt as much as I damn well please. I haven’t really taken advantage of this fact yet – hell, it hasn’t even been a week yet – but just the option is making me feel giddy and enlivened. And if anything does happen, I can blog about it with wild abandon!

4. Being sexy in public.

By “in public,” I mostly mean “online,” because that’s the kind of person I am: an introvert and a geek. But I’m working on it.

Another thing my boyfriend didn’t like me to do was post naked or otherwise scandalous pictures of myself online. When you’re living in monogamy-land, this sort of makes sense, but every time I mentioned it to my poly friends, they’d be outraged on my behalf. “He doesn’t own your body!” they’d cry. “You can do what you want with your own tits and ass!”

I had really conflicted feelings about this, and I still do – but the fact remains that I do indeed hate the feeling of someone thinking they get to decide what I do and don’t do with my body. Sure, I understand why a monogamous partner wouldn’t want me to share my sexuality with another person… but I don’t consider my naked body to be an inherently sexual thing. Posting those pictures isn’t sexual for me; it’s an act of self-love, a confidence booster, a bold declaration of my womanhood and body-acceptance and unconventional beauty. It feels good, not illicit, and it feels like something I ought to be able to make my own decisions about.

Well, now that I’m single, I can. I’ve been posting as many (anonymous) naked pictures as I feel like posting. I’ve been enjoying the comments, guilt-free. Ohhhh yessss.

5. Being alone.

I don’t mean being single. I mean being physically alone. Being in a room that no one else is in. And not stressing that I “should be” spending time with someone. Just being.

The death knell of my relationship was when I realized that spending time with my partner had started to feel more like an obligation than a joy. It was another thing on my list that I had to do, like completing my sociology readings and emptying the dishwasher.

I have great love and fondness for my ex, but when someone is your Boyfriend-with-a-capital-B, it’s expected that you spend a lot of time with them. They expect it, and so do other people in your life. As an introvert, and someone with a lot of schoolwork and work-work on my plate, that got to feel like a lot of pressure. And the pressure to spend time with him sucked the joy right out of it.

Last night I was lying in bed reading a book, and I stopped and just thought to myself, “There is nowhere I’m supposed to be right now. There is nothing I’m supposed to be doing. There is no one who’s disappointed that I’ve decided to take tonight for myself.” And that realization was BLISSFUL. I sank down into the covers, took a long sip of tea, and buried my head back in my book. Mmm, heaven. Sheer heaven.

Look, I’m not saying the break-up didn’t make me sad. It did. And I’m not saying I’m never lonely, because sometimes I am. But by and large, I can see that this was the right decision for me. I’m thrilled with my life right now, even though I’m busy as hell with school and work and people keep asking me in hushed tones whether I’m “okay.”

I am more than okay. I’m reclaiming myself.

What was the best part of your last break-up? Got any advice for me on this journey of “finding myself” again?

50 Ways to Get Through a Break-Up

Kate Sloan

Hey babes. My relationship of three and a half years ended yesterday. It’s okay, everything’s cool, I’m alright with it and actually kind of relieved – but let’s be honest; even the most amicable of break-ups can be tough to deal with. Here, for me as much as for you, are 50 suggestions for post-breakup self-care and processing. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

1. Gather up everything that reminds you of your ex, stuff it in a garbage bag, and either put it someplace where you won’t see it or just throw it away.

2. Get yourself dolled up. Makeup, cute clothes, moustache grooming, whatever works for you.

3. Take a long, hot bath. Bonus points for Epsom salts, bath bombs, scented candles, and/or soft music.

4. Search the break-up tag on 8Tracks and listen to some sympathetic mixes.

5. Choose a movie you’ve never seen from Bill Hader’s list of his favorite comedies, find it and watch it. (Lots of them are available on Netflix.)

6. Get lost in a good book. (Some recommendations from me to you: the Harry Potter series, the Divergent series, O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm, Under the Dome, After Hamelin, Hello Cruel World.)

7. Work on a creative project, new or old. Blog, collage, choreograph, write, draw, paint, etc.

8. Cuddle a sweet and understanding person, pet, or stuffed animal.

9. Beat up your pillow.

10. Play a video game. (I like Animal Crossing games during emotional times because they don’t require much brain power and you can’t die in them, so they’re not stressful.)

11. Make a list of things you can do now that you’re single that you couldn’t do while in your relationship. Re-read it any time you feel sad. (Some highlights from my list: post naked pictures of myself online, go off hormonal birth control, make out with cute near-strangers at parties.)

12. Write in a journal about what happened and how you feel about it. (If you don’t like physical journals, try 750 Words or Day One or a blog platform that allows for private entries.)

13. Call up a friend. Talk to them. Make plans.

14. Do some beauty treatments: face mask, deep conditioner, pedicure, etc.

15. Go to the store, pick out your favorite chocolate bar or ice cream, take it home, eat it slowly.

16. Do a Netflix marathon of your favorite funny show.

17. Do a massive purge of unnecessary stuff/clutter in your room or home.

18. Delete your ex from all social media platforms and your phone’s contact list.

19. Make a list of qualities you hope your next partner possesses. Visualize that person and let the idea of them lift you up.

20. Get yourself a new sex toy (or dig out an old faithful). Masturbate your heart out.

21. Get a spa treatment – a massage, mani-pedi, facial, etc.

22. Exercise, even if you initially don’t want to. It’ll help, I promise.

23. Meditate. Sit comfortably, breathe deeply and slowly, focus on your breath, let all thoughts float by. Do a YouTube search for “guided meditation” if you find it hard to clear your mind completely (and don’t we all?).

24. Put your headphones on, turn on some music that makes you happy, and go for a long walk.

25. Take a nap.

26. Let yourself cry. It’s okay.

27. Go through old e-mails or letters and find a really flattering, cheerifying one. Read it. Print it out and pin it up if you want.

28. If you’ve got ‘em, read old journals from a previous break-up you went through. They’ll remind you that everything gets better eventually.

29. Buy a corkboard, pins, and a few magazines. Cut out any pictures that make you smile and pin them up where you’ll see them often.

30. Write “This too shall pass” on a part of your body. Glance at it often.

31. Treat yourself to a cheap cosmetic pick-me-up, like a new lipstick, rollerball perfume, or nail polish.

32. Flirt with someone, just to remind yourself that you can still feel those feelings.

33. Repopulate your sexual fantasies.

34. Ask a friend to remind you of the good reasons for the break-up any time they catch you moping about it.

35. Drink wine. In moderation. If you can.

36. Make a list of all your best qualities and look at it if you ever start to feel valueless or unattractive. (Ask friends or family for suggestions if you’re having trouble coming up with things.)

37. Do something you used to find comforting when you were a kid, like eating Kraft Dinner while watching The Simpsons, or curling up under a hand-knit blanket while reading the Gossip Girl novels, or whatever.

38. If you have any jewelry or other tokens from people who love you (not your ex), wear it to give you strength. Periodically glance at it as a way of reminding yourself that you’re loved.

39. Stretch, slowly and gently, for a good few minutes.

40. If you’re really not feeling up to going out and seeing people, call and cancel some of your commitments. It’s okay to take time for yourself.

41. Reorganize your workspace, or another space you spend a lot of time in, so it’s more beautiful and simple and makes more sense and feels more calming to you.

42. Take a friend to a location that was significant for you and your ex and make new memories there.

43. Drink a hot beverage, slowly and thoughtfully. (I like what Leo Babauta has to say about tea rituals.)

44. Rediscover a hobby, activity, or aspect of your personality that you set aside to appease your (now ex-)partner. See who you can be without them.

45. Discover some new music by searching tags of your choice on Bandcamp, 8Tracks or Last.FM. (Some chill recommendations from my own music library: Sucré, Josh Garrels, Robot Science, My Brightest Diamond.)

46. Take some cute (or not-so-cute, whatever) selfies. If you want, use an app like FaceTune to beef up their attractiveness quotient. Post them somewhere public if you feel like it.

47. Decide what you’re going to focus your time and energy on, now that you have more of both to spare. Pick stuff that matters and is important to you. (Volunteering? Art? School? Working on your novel? Becoming a more spiritual person? Losing 30 pounds? Traveling?)

48. Get real with yourself about any destructive habits you have when you mourn and try to pre-empt them. If you don’t eat enough when you’re sad, get some foods that you love, so you will eat. If you tend toward any kind of self-harm, put a mental health professional or crisis line or nearby friend on speed-dial. If you tend to withdraw, tell a friend to boss you into hanging out with them even if you say no. Do what you gotta do.

49. Do something you know you’re really good at, even if it’s kind of a dumb or useless thing, to help restore your confidence in yourself.

50. Give yourself a hug. Be gentle with yourself. It’s gonna be okay.

What are some things that have helped you through break-ups?