Sex Toy Haikus

In lieu of doing individual follow-up posts, I think I’m going to start writing haikus to express how I currently feel about toys that I’ve reviewed before. Because sex toys are worthy of poetry.

Lelo Mia:
Sorry I haven’t
touched you in ages, Mia.
You’re not that special.

California Exotics Waterproof Jack Rabbit:
My first and only
jelly toy. I weep for my
burning vagina.

Eroscillator:
My clit is in love.
It’s a love that oscillates
from lust to worship.

Lelo Ella:
Warm-up toy supreme.
No one else opens me up
as sweetly as she.

Blossom Organics Natural Moisturizing Lubricant:
All lubes should be as
vag-friendly and simple as
this bedside staple.

Review: California Exotics Couture Collection Eclipse

Vaginal balls always vaguely intrigued me. The claims they make are so impressive: stronger orgasms, increased muscle control, something to keep you entertained while you wait in line at the grocery store. As someone who cares immensely about maintaining my sexual health, I decided I needed a set – so I asked Sex Toys Canada to send me the Eclipse from CalEx’s Couture Collection. Despite CalEx’s shoddy reputation and sometimes even shoddier products, I’m very pleased with my choice.

My Eclipse balls are white, but they also come in pink or purple. The balls themselves are made of shiny ABS plastic, and are housed in a non-removable, soft silicone casing with circular cutouts that allow some of the plastic to show through. Because the silicone is apparently fused to the plastic, there’s no risk of getting bacteria-laden fluids trapped between the two, though the seams might need some toothbrush-scrubbing during cleaning.

Each ball has a diameter of about 1.4 inches, which (unless you’re a size queen) is nothing to sneeze at. They aren’t always comfortable to insert, so I opt to put some water-based lube on the first ball before pushing it up into me.

In use, the balls feel very bouncy and lovely. Walking up and down stairs is the best way to get that jangly feeling as the balls roll around inside their casings – but even walking around at a normal speed on level ground is enough to get ‘em rolling. It’s my understanding that vaginal balls are meant to be constantly noticeable so that you remember to do your kegels, and these are certainly effective for that – but the bouncing feeling is pleasant enough on its own, even without following it up with kegel exercises.

I’ve worn the Eclipse balls for hours at a time and nothing bad has happened as a result of this. I can wear them while going to the bathroom without incident, as long as I hold the retrieval cord out of the way – though people with narrow urethras may have trouble peeing with these girthy balls inside them.

The main issue I detect with the Eclipse balls is its stretchy silicone parts. The bridge between the two balls is stretchy, and it’s so insanely thin that I frequently get nervous it’ll break. However, I’ve stretched it a fair bit and it’s still perfectly intact. The same is true of the retrieval cord – it’s stretchy, making removal difficult and time-consuming but not impossible. (I usually end up just tugging on one of the balls itself to get them to pop out, since the string is so annoyingly elastic.)

Each of the balls weighs around a tenth of a pound, or 45 grams, which some beginners may find too heavy to start with. I think these balls are girthy and draggy enough that they’d stay in anyway, but it’s hard to say, because my pussy is on the tighter side. Someone with underdeveloped PC muscles might have a better time with a different kegel exerciser toy that is smaller and lighter.

While the CalEx Eclipse balls have a couple of design problems, I ultimately believe they do their job quite well. They remind me to do my kegels, they feel good in use, and they’re cute to look at. I still want to get my hands on some Lelo Luna Beads one day, but for now, these certainly do the trick.

Thanks, Sex Toys Canada, for assisting me with my sexual health!