dating apps

How to Connect with Other Kinksters on Dating Apps

Kate Sloan

One of the hardest things about being kinky (IMO) is meeting people you’re compatible with. Kinky interests tend to narrow your dating pool, especially kinks that are unusual or highly specific. It’s already hard enough to meet someone you get along with on a personality level – factor in the added complexity of sex and kink, and dating can be an intimidating task.

But there is hope! You can infuse a bit o’ kink into your early interactions with dating app matches, to get a sense of whether you’ll be a good fit. Here are some tips on how to do just that…

 

Image via Flure

Pick the right app

Certain dating apps attract kinkier demographics than others – which can, of course, affect how many cute perverts you’re able to connect with. You could try asking your local kinky friends what they’ve used, or you could check out an app that specifically aims to be sex-positive and kink-friendly, like Flure. Other kinksters are out there, hoping to find people like you – you just have to know where to look for them!

 

Put it in your bio

Okay, admittedly, not everyone reads bios. (This is one of my top complaints about dating apps, honestly!) But for those who do, you can leave a cute little clue about your kinks in there – or just straight-up say what you’re into, if that’s more your style.

I’ve gone back and forth over the years about how much detail to include. At times, I’ve simply described myself as kinky, or even just included a kink-adjacent photo amongst my other pictures – like me in a leather chest harness, or me wearing a 101 Kinky Things snapback hat.

At other times, though, I’ve mentioned specific kinks, e.g. that I’m submissive or that I’m into being spanked. Being explicit about sexual desires can lead people to assume you’re DTF right out of the gate, though – and I’m not, due to being demisexual – which is why I often end up deleting these kink disclosures not long after adding them in…

Image via Flure

Play a game

I used to like to play questions-based games with matches on apps sometimes, like “Let’s alternate asking each other questions about our lives,” or “What are your top 3 favorite ____ and why?” These conversations can be illuminating and fun, and also give you an opportunity to ask about the things you’re really curious about, like kink. Of course, you should ideally ease into this kind of thing; many people are put off by someone suddenly taking the conversation in a more sexual direction without building enough rapport first.

The Flure app has a built-in game called Sparks; it’s a chat-based icebreaker game that helps you and your matches get to know each other better. I love to see dating apps incorporating features that make dating more fun; it doesn’t have to be a slog! It can feel like play, and I think the best connections arise from that headspace anyway.

 

Test the waters with sexts

Okay, I’m not an expert on this one, because I don’t really like sexting with people I haven’t already established in-person chemistry with. (There’s that pesky demisexuality again!) It can make me feel uncomfortable, objectified, and pressured – which, by the way, is why I think it’s awesome that the Flure app has a “Safe Mode” where you’re prevented from seeing any explicit messages/photos someone else might send.

That being said – I know a lot of people do like to sext with strangers, or may at least want to exchange a few dirty texts prior to meeting, to feel out the vibe. If the rapport is there and things head in that direction, it could be the perfect moment to float your kink(s). “You’ve got a great ass – do you like having it spanked?” “Can’t stop thinking about you being on top of me, holding me down so I can’t move.” “Can I massage your feet before I go down on you?”

If the other person is amenable, fantastic! If not, well, at least you know now, and not three dates in.

 

Take good care of yourself if things go south

Dating and hooking up are always risky and vulnerable to some degree, but they can be especially so for people whose sexuality veers from the beaten path. When you tell someone you’re kinky – or even just hint at it – you are risking getting rejected, mocked, or flat-out ghosted. It’s just a fact of life, unfortunately.

But the good news is that dating apps make it easier to screen out the people who would do these things before you actually meet in-person, which can help keep you safer (physically and emotionally) when you make these kinds of disclosures. Dating is a numbers game, and the more people you filter out of your dating pool due to incompatibility, the closer you’ll get to finding the person/people you are compatible with.

That being said, it is totally okay to feel bummed out when someone reacts poorly to you sharing such an intimate part of yourself with them. Let yourself feel those feelings, and take care of yourself throughout that process as best you can – whether that means ordering delivery from your favorite restaurant, watching five episodes in a row of your favorite comfort sitcom, or complaining to your friend over the phone about how much kink-shamers suck. It’ll be okay. Eventually, this too shall pass, and you’ll be ready to get back on that horse – or back on that St. Andrew’s cross, as the case may be.

 

What tips have you found most helpful in connecting with other kinksters on dating apps?

 

This post was sponsored by the lovely folks at the Flure dating app! They’re all about prioritizing your comfort, safety, and freedom to explore your sexuality – check ’em out! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

On Using Dating Sites During a Pandemic

Kate Sloan

At the beginning of this pandemic, I thought, “Guess nobody’s gonna be dating for a while” – but my friends are proving me wrong.

It’s been fascinating to observe. I have friends who’ve logged onto OkCupid just to have flirty, esoteric text chats with strangers, friends who’ve sipped coffee on Zoom dates with cute new beaux also sipping coffee in their apartment across town, and friends who’ve even met up with potential paramours for socially-distanced park picnics or patio hangs. Knowing and trusting that my friends are staying smart and staying safe (to the best of their ability within a harm-reduction framework), I admire their ingenuity in the face of the lockdown loneliness that’s hit many people hard.

I myself have even scrolled through Tinder once in a while during this global crisis (old habits die hard), looking to strike up a volley of banter with someone hot and smart. It’s not that I’m necessarily looking for new partners or dates – in fact, I very much do not have the energy for that these days, and wouldn’t feel safe meeting up with strangers just yet. It’s that I miss the sense of serendipity and possibility that comes with, say, discovering the guy sitting next to you at the cocktail bar loves the same longform improv troupe you do, or blushing when the cute clerk at the bodega tells you she likes your dress. These little hits of romantic “what if?” are so small, and rarely lead to anything more (for me, at least), but some days they are the social fuel that keeps me going. So if asking random Tinder folks offbeat questions just for the sake of conversation is the safest way to access that feeling these days, I commend anyone who chooses to do it in order to hold onto their social sanity and sense of hope.

Here are some crucial commandments to follow – in my opinion, which is not necessarily the wisest and certainly not the most medically informed opinion, mind you! – if you want to use dating services for just such purposes while we wait for a vaccine and a return to quasi-normalcy:

  1. Pick the right site/app for you. This is always the first step I recommend when embarking on online-dating adventures, because these days, the options are so plentiful and so varied that you can actually tailor your choice to your tastes and priorities. Click around the site/app to get a sense for its overall culture and what its users are generally into, whether that be casual hookups, long-term relationships, non-monogamy, or whatever else. If you’re not sure, you can also read reviews (like this Uberhorny review) of the site/app you’re considering using. Pro tip: I would imagine that sites and apps which have actively issued safety warnings to their users about COVID-19 – like Tinder and Grindr – are likelier to have cultures wherein fewer mask-eschewers and “plandemic” believers can fester.
  2. Be upfront about your intentions, ideally right in your bio so no one has to waste time on you if their desires don’t align with yours. If you’re only up for phone dates and Skype dates for the next several months, say so. If you’re hopeful that that’ll include phone sex, sexting, or what-have-you, say so. If you’re looking for someone to actually meet up with IRL during all this, say so – and include information about what safety measures you would expect to implement around that, and what you’d expect from a potential date in that arena. I know this isn’t the most “chill” stuff to put on your profile, but look, we’re not living in “chill” times.
  3. Don’t lower your standards just because times are tough and pickings are slim. Yeah, maybe all you’re seeking is a torrid sexting session with a rando, but you still deserve a rando who’s polite, respectful, and makes you feel good! Try to remember what your dating priorities were before this mess started (I know, it can be difficult to hearken back to The Before) and do your best to seek people who line up with that. It’s true that priorities can change in troubling times, but the basic facts are always still there: you don’t need to put up with people you find rude, entitled, or boring. You still deserve the high-quality connections you want – whatever that means to you – even if circumstances feel pretty different now.
  4. Make digital dates feel like “real” dates in whatever ways work for you. That might be dressing up, lighting some candles, tidying your room, making yourself a nice meal or cocktail to enjoy while you chat with your new cutie, or something else entirely. The ritual of dating has always been one of my favorite things about it, and if that’s true for you too, it’d be a pity to miss out on that comfort and excitement just because you’re stuck at home. You don’t have to have that sexting session while wearing dirty sweatpants and rocking unbrushed teeth – in fact, you’d probably feel much sexier during the convo if you didn’t!
  5. Come prepared with questions or games, because – as you might know – phone dates and Skype dates can be a little awkward at first. True, in-person dates can also be weird as fuck, but most of us have more experience with them and know how to navigate their weirdnesses better. In case of uncomfortable silences, you can usually remark on something in your environment or ask the bartender a question or whatever – not so when you’re holed up in the same bedroom you’ve been stuck in for ages! Plus, most of us have had fewer everyday social interactions these past few months than we did before, so our ability to be smooth and chatty may have eroded slightly. If I was trying to meet new dates online at this time, I would prep a few interesting questions to ask my date, and frame it (if necessary) as a game where we ask each other questions – or just set it up by simply saying, “Can I ask you something weird that I’m curious about?” You could even send your date this list of questions and take turns asking each other things.
  6. Allow for adjustments if and when you end up meeting a new beau in person, whether that’s a few weeks from now or way out in the future when the pandemic has died down significantly. I recently interviewed dating expert Camille Virginia about finding love in the time of coronavirus, and she reminded me that intimacy and rapport can feel very different online than they do offline – so your super-hot phone-sex pal might not immediately turn your crank once you can actually touch them, smell them, and see how they move through the world, but that’s okay. It takes time to adjust to each other’s in-person conversational rhythms and quirky mannerisms. “If you had a great connection over video or phone calls, try to establish a new norm with that in person,” Camille says, “because it’s a different way of being with each other. Give it a little longer.”

Have you been using dating sites/apps during the pandemic? What’s your strategy?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

50 Non-Pandemic-Related Questions to Ask People on Dating Apps

Kate Sloan

My #1 online-dating pet peeve is bad conversational skills. It doesn’t exactly bode well to begin an exchange with someone you presumably hope to impress by merely saying “Hi.” Sure, maybe that works in a bar setting, where a person can get an immediate, at-a-glance sense of your vibe/style, but a Tinder inbox requires more from you than that. To be interesting, you have to be interested.

That said, we’re at a strange moment in history (to say the least) where “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” can come across as oblivious or even insensitive. (How the fuck do you think I’m doing, Chad??) But you also don’t want to veer too far into commiseration land, because the trials and tribulations of quarantining are not exactly fun, fresh, flirty conversation fodder. So what’s a modern dater to do?

I’ve come up with 50 questions you can ask someone on your dating site/app of choice that have nothing to do with the pandemic situation. Sure, it might come up in some people’s answers, but only if they want to go there. Asking fun questions in your opening message is always a good idea, but particularly so at a time like this when everyone wants a dose of escapism and connection – that’s probably why they’re looking at their dating-app inbox in the first place. Try some of these and let me know how it goes!

  1. What’s the best piece of advice anyone ever gave you about [romance/business/creativity]?
  2. What song or album are you obsessing over right now?
  3. What’s your favorite memory from childhood?
  4. What’s your go-to comfort food?
  5. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up, and how does that relate to what you do now?
  6. Who is the most famous person you have met?
  7. What’s an outfit you feel amazing in and why?
  8. What’s the best thing you know how to cook or bake, and how did you learn to make it?
  9. What’s a movie you wouldn’t necessarily say is your all-time favorite, but that you love nonetheless?
  10. What’s a weird inside joke you have with a friend and how did it start?
  11. What’s a common misconception about your job?
  12. What was the last book you read, and did you enjoy it?
  13. Do you feel like you’ve found your “life purpose” yet?
  14. What country would you like to move to if you had the chance?
  15. When was the last time you did something that made you nervous?
  16. Did you have any weird hobbies when you were a kid?
  17. What’s your morning routine?
  18. What’s your favorite holiday?
  19. What is the wildest lie you’ve ever told?
  20. What’s your favorite scent?
  21. Who would you consider a hero of yours and why?
  22. What do you keep on your nightstand?
  23. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
  24. What part of your body do you like the most?
  25. Who was your favorite teacher in school and why?
  26. What would you do with your time if capitalism was abolished?
  27. What’s your favorite word?
  28. What role does social media play in your life, and how do you feel about that?
  29. What’s your favorite thing about your home?
  30. What celebrity do you think would make a really great roommate?
  31. Which fictional character do you most identify with and why?
  32. What’s a piece of media that can reliably make you cry?
  33. What’s a task most people don’t like doing that you actually enjoy?
  34. What do you think will be the biggest technological innovation in our lifetimes?
  35. If you were famous, what would you want to be famous for?
  36. What’s an item of clothing you wish you owned?
  37. What makes your best friend so terrific?
  38. What’s the last problem you solved?
  39. What’s one of your hidden talents?
  40. What’s the most athletic thing you’ve ever done?
  41. What’s a social rule or expectation you totally ignore?
  42. What’s the most common compliment you receive?
  43. What’s the best kiss you’ve ever had?
  44. If you were going to start a podcast, what would it be about?
  45. What’s an out-of-character decision you’ve made recently?
  46. What’s the best Halloween costume you’ve ever worn?
  47. What’s something you love, without really knowing why you love it so much?
  48. What’s a bad habit you’re trying to break?
  49. What’s the fanciest event you’ve ever been to, and what did you wear?
  50. What question do you wish more people would ask you?

5 Rules For Better Online-Dating Interactions

Kate Sloan

Online dating is a beast. If you’re not careful, it can consume your life, with its alluring promises and gameified interface. This is especially true if, like many of us, you’re just not finding it that useful for its purported purpose: connecting you with people you’ll get along with. Sometimes Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid can feel like a pit of quicksand that sucks up all your time – and crushes your soul in the process. I often compare it to trying to find a diamond in a garbage heap.

In recent years, I’ve tried to streamline my online-dating habits by imposing a few rules on myself. These make my time on these sites and apps more efficient, by narrowing down my dating pool to only people I might actually enjoy talking to. Here are those rules, incase you want to try some for yourself…

Delete any message which does not specifically reference you/your profile.

I decided to implement this rule upon my most recent OkCupid rejoin, and as much as it is frustrating sometimes (SO MANY people just write “hi” or “hey,” or have clearly copy-and-pasted their message to multiple recipients!), it also simplifies things considerably. I no longer have to pick through every message-sender’s profile trying to decide if they merit a reply; the vast majority of contenders are taken out of the running immediately because they’ve failed to do the absolute bare minimum to even qualify for consideration.

This might seem like a harsh rule, but the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Whether you’re looking for a one-night stand, a long-term relationship, or anything in between, you want to connect with people who will put effort in. Good sex requires effort; good dates require effort; sustaining any kind of relationship requires effort. If someone puts in almost zero effort from their very first message – when they should theoretically be trying the hardest to impress you – then that attitude will probably extend to other aspects of any potential relationship as well. Hit “delete” and make room for people who are actually trying!

If someone doesn’t ask you any questions or give you anything to ask them about, stop talking to them.

Some people are bad conversationalists. While it’s nice to pick up the slack for them and try to make a convo work in spite of their shortcomings, it’s not necessary. Yet again, this comes down to effort. If they answer your every question like you’re doing an informational interview, and never ask you anything, frankly they don’t deserve the pleasure of talking to you.

There are exceptions, of course. Some people are neurodivergent in ways that affect their conversation style, and some people are just better in person or on the phone than they are via text. If you get the sense from someone’s profile that they might be more interesting than their shitty messages have led you to believe, feel free to give them another chance in a different setting (like a phone call, or an actual date). But you are not at all obligated to. You are an interesting, fun person and there will be other people who are more than happy to have fabulous, engaging conversations with you.

Don’t look at someone’s profile for very long before messaging them.

I would say that on a platform with short profiles, like Tinder, you shouldn’t spend more than a minute looking at anyone’s bio – and on sites where profiles provide more information, like OkCupid, you should give yourself 3-5 minutes, tops. Online dating can be staggeringly time-consuming, especially if you fall into the trap of thinking you have to know you’re into someone before messaging them. Your gut feeling about a person is probably accurate, whether you find them intriguing or boring.

Some people online-date like they’re picky eaters wandering through a grocery store, examining each vegetable for discolorations, carefully reading every ingredient on the back of every cereal box. Others online-date like they’re grocery-shopping while hungry for a particular meal: they speed-walk through the store, mercenarily grabbing each item they need and shoving it immediately into their basket. Research about the paradox of choice shows us that people who spend a long time weighing the pros and cons of each option actually tend to be less happy with their eventual decision. So don’t waste time poring over profiles in an effort to understand the minds of strangers you might not even ever have a conversation with, let alone a relationship. Get in, get out, and then get back to your life.

If someone’s profile makes you laugh or smile, message them to tell them why. (Unless it’s mean.)

Try not to overthink this too much; make like Nike and just do it. Sparks of recognition or excitement while reading someone’s profile are depressingly rare – “Hey, I get that joke!” “I watch that TV show too!” “This picture is so goofy and cute!” – so you might as well chase them when they crop up. These are the types of shallow cues that can lead to a deep connection if pursued, so keep an eye out for anything in a profile that authentically delights you.

Of course, you can just send a quick note saying [x thing] cracked you up or piqued your interest, but you’re likelier to get a good response (or a response, period) if you add at least one question. If they referenced your favorite show, ask them which episode they love the most and why, or which character they most relate to. If they’re posing with a parrot in a funny pic on their profile, ask them about the circumstances that led to them meeting a parrot. You get the idea.

Suggest going on a date as soon as you’re comfortable doing so.

When I first started online-dating, I only wanted to physically meet up with someone after we’d chatted via text for at least a few weeks. I wanted to feel fairly certain that this new crush wasn’t a serial killer (or an awful conversationalist) before agreeing to hang out with them. I also wanted to learn enough about them to determine whether I was attracted to them. But I realized pretty fast that you can actually gauge all of these things better in person than you can via text. Even the most suave texter can be horrible in person, or at least just not what you were expecting. Better to find that out sooner than later, I say!

The easiest transition into a date-ask is to bring up an activity or event that the two of you might be interested in checking out together. If they mention they’re into improv, tell them about a specific show that’s coming up and ask if they’d like to go with you. If they say they like cocktails, ask if they’d like a date to that cool new cocktail bar that just opened in your city. Whatever it is, make sure it’s specific and soon, ideally within the next week – any longer and you could lose interest, or they could, or both. If and when the date actually happens, you’ll be able to learn quickly whether this potential relationship is destined to soar or to fall flat.

 

Do you have any rules for yourself when you look for dates/hookups online? What are they?

Should You Be Able to Rate & Review Sexual Partners?

Kate Sloan
I wrote this in high school but lots of it still rings true…

In 2013, a new app called Lulu was released which allowed female users to anonymously rate and review their male acquaintances, including friends, exes, and past hookups. The men were rated on a 10-point scale, for criteria like humor, manners, ambition, and willingness to commit.

There was immediately a media panic about it, with outlets referring to Lulu as “Sex Yelp” and speculating on what it portended about human relationships in the 21st century. Dating-app giant Badoo later acquired Lulu and shut down the ratings component of the app, but the question remained: is rating and reviewing sexual partners useful? And perhaps even more pressingly: is it ethical?

I’m sorry about the cissexism. We were young and shitty.

I thought about this again years later when a friend and I devised a rating scheme for penises we had known, featuring criteria like “hygiene,” “soft skin,” “taste of cum,” “testicular perkiness,” and so on. It seemed harmless to me at the time, a hilarious joke perpetrated while tipsy, but upon reviewing it in the light of day, I realized how objectifying it was. What I’d originally conceptualized as a tool for discussing sexploits with friends (“The dick I sucked last night was an 86 out of 100, can you believe?!”) now seemed like a process as cruel and dismissive as swiping through Hot or Not or scoring selfie-submitters on the “Am I Ugly?” subreddit. How could I call myself sex-positive and body-positive if I was literally assigning numerical scores to people’s anatomy? I couldn’t.

There are some cases where rating sexual partners seems fine, or even prudent. Sometimes clients offer public feedback about sex workers they’ve seen (check out USASexGuide for more on that), which can inform prospective johns’ decisions and drive clientele to service providers. There are also always backchannels where women and other marginalized people exchange notes on their dates and hookups with others in their community, warning friends away from abusers and boundary-crossers. These discussions are crucial for keeping people safe who would otherwise have trouble staying safe, because of the unfortunate ways our dating culture and sex work laws are set up. I don’t begrudge anyone for sharing info about “bad dates” and reading other people’s info of the same sort; sometimes these behaviors are the only recourse you have.

But rating people’s bodies and sexual skills is a different thing entirely. Sex is deeply personal, and sometimes embarrassing, and a lot of people have a lot of hangups about it; the same things can be said about our fallible human bodies. It seems unjustifiably cruel to rate people on these criteria in a venue as public as an app or a website, unless they’ve specifically solicited that feedback, like people do on “rate me” forums. (I often wonder if these people are suffering from low self-esteem, or discovering a sublimated objectification/humiliation kink, or both.) In a culture as sex-negative and body-critical as ours, you hardly need say anything at all to fuel someone’s deepest fears and insecurities. Even the most seemingly innocuous criticism can set off a spiral of self-hatred in those of us who are susceptible to this sort of thing, which is most of us.

So I can no longer justify rating and objectifying people (or penises) in the ways I used to. Eradicating sexual shame and encouraging self-love are two of my key goals, professionally and personally, and critiquing bodies and sexualities runs counter to these objectives. This is true not only for other people but for myself: the more you cast a critical eye on how other people look and what they’re doing in bed, the more you’ll tend to judge yourself in those areas as well, perhaps without even meaning to. These mental habits are dangerous, and insidious, and must be actively fought against to be extinguished.

Tell your best friend about last night’s mediocre hookup over drinks, if you like; write in your journal about genitalia that confounded you, if you must. But sharing these judgments online doesn’t really serve anyone, in my view, and it may even contribute to society-wide shame cycles. If you want to create a better world for humans who have sex, one of the best ways to start is to view everyone’s body and sexuality with the same compassion you’d hope they would extend to you.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all words and opinions are my own.