dildo

I self-identify as a sex educator. That term is used in reference to powerhouses like Violet Blue and Dan Savage, so I’m not sure if there are actual technical qualifications that would prevent me from calling myself that… but barring those possible technicalities, yes, I would consider myself a sex educator.

I write for sex publications. I trawl sex forums on the daily. I give my friends (and sometimes my mom) sex advice when they ask for it. And of course, I write a blog about this shiz.

Most of the time, I love what I do. It fills me up with passion and enthusiasm like nothing else I’ve ever encountered.

But there are some questions which get tiresome, because they get asked all the fucking time in any space where people talk about sex. Here are a few.

“I can’t come from penetration!” or “My girlfriend can’t come from intercourse! What’s up with that?!”

Dude. Let’s set the record straight. The clitoris, not the vagina, is the centre of sexual pleasure for the majority of women. It’s the clitoris which is analogous to to the penis, and it’s the clitoris which must be stimulated in order for at least 70% of women to reach orgasm.

I don’t care what your porn flicks have taught you. Porn is great, but it is not a substitute for sex ed. Especially since it has succeeded in convincing millions of men that they’re only “good in bed” if their cock alone makes their woman writhe all over the place in orgasmic ecstasy.

There are plenty of women who can and do reach orgasm from penetration alone, but they are still technically the minority. When you have a new female sexual partner, it’s safe to assume that she wants or even needs clitoral stimulation to be a part of her sexual experience.

It’s not even that hard to do! Warm her up properly with a good amount of clit-focused foreplay. While you’re inside her, rub her clit, or have her do it. Or incorporate a vibrator. Or have an additional lover lick her pussy while you fuck her. Whatever it takes, man – just make it happen!

“Is my penis too small?”

For some women, yes. For all women, no.

Size queens exist – I have met a couple of them (one of whom, I might add, was a gay man) – but they are definitely not the majority.

From all the hundreds of conversations I’ve had about sex with people from all around the world, I’ve come to believe that this “bigger = better” mindset is largely a myth. Most women do not actually want to be impaled by a nine-incher. Some might think that’s what they want, but their sense of size is skewed or they just don’t know what it feels like to have something that big inside of them. Some women know exactly how big a nine-inch cock is and they know that they prefer it, but again, those women are in the minority.

From my thoroughly informal and anecdotal research, it seems like most women prefer a cock in the six-to-seven-inches range. Some, like me, are smaller, and so five to six inches is better. Some gals are even tinier than me and might feel most comfortable with something around four inches.

And then, of course, there are women who fetishize micropenises. Or those who have vaginismus and can barely fit a finger inside them, let alone an average-sized dick.

Point being… Whatever size your member is, there is a significant portion of the female population (or male, if you prefer) who would cite that size as their ideal. So if someone mocks your cock, take it with a grain of salt; she’s not saying “Your dick is the wrong size,” she’s saying, “Your dick is the wrong size for me.” Plus, she’s mean and should go fuck herself.

“Do girls like _____?” or “How do men feel about _____?”

I don’t care what it is. Fisting. Deep-throating. Being shit on during sex. Having their hair pulled. Whatever it is, the answer to a question phrased this way is always “it depends on the person.”

I realize that it can be very satisfying to simplify things in your head like this – “a woman on the internet says she likes giving blowjobs, so all women must like to give them, even if they won’t admit it!” – but that’s just not the way people work. We’re all different and we all like different things in bed.

What does this mean, in practical terms? It means that the techniques which worked on your ex probably won’t work on your new lover. It means that the “guides” you read on the internet might have zero effect whatsoever on your partner’s satisfaction, even if you follow them to a tee. It means that you have to do that tricky thing you’ve been trying to avoid by asking a question like this: talk to your partner.

That’s the answer to pretty much any sex question, actually. Ask your partner. Because they are the only one who knows the actual answer to your question. You’re not wondering whether women or men like a certain thing; you’re wondering whether the specific person you have in mind is a fan of that thing. And the only way to find out is to ask them.

“Will using a sex toy make me unable to enjoy real sex anymore?”

Vibrators cause desensitization for some people, but it’s only ever temporary. If it lasts more than a few weeks at the most, it’s likely that something else is going on and you should ask your doctor about it.

But for most of us, no, vibrations will not fuck with our natural ability to feel sex as it’s meant to be felt. If you find you’re feeling less sensitive after using your vibe, just lay off it for a few days or a week, and your sensitivity will come back. This is why I typically avoid using my vibrator for at least 24 hours before I’ll be seeing my boyfriend – I want to be able to feel the minute details of everything he does to me.

As for dildos… The vagina’s shape does not go through permanent changes in size due to objects that are put inside of it, except in some extreme cases (like pushing out a baby). I can’t think of a single dildo that would make a woman “looser.”

Sometimes those muscles start to loosen up on their own, because of inactivity. If that happens, it can be reversed by starting a regimen of Kegel exercises. These are great because they tighten you up while also improving your orgasms.

There is a mental aspect to using huge dildos, which is that a woman may start to prefer larger objects if she has a good time with them. However, I urge you to remember that a sex toy is not a replacement for a human partner. If someone would honestly choose an inanimate object over a person, odds are good that they were not ready for a relationship to begin with. So don’t sweat it.

“My vagina is burning!” or “There’s a red bump on my penis!”

…or pretty much any other genital-related health problem you can think of.

Please, please, don’t post this on the internet. Get up and go to the doctor. Now.

We may be interested in chatting about sex, but that does not make us qualified medical professionals. I know it sucks to have to ask your doctor about an awkward issue like genital pustules or what have you, but you gotta do it.

What sex questions are you tired of?