D/s

10 Thoughts From Really, Really Good Phone Sex

Kate Sloan

1. I can never quite identify when our casual catch-up conversations end and our phone sex begins. It’s not like in-person sex where beginnings are delineated by a particularly passionate kiss or a deliberately incendiary touch; it’s subtler than that. Sometimes I muse aloud from my bed, almost absentmindedly, “My skin is so soft tonight,” and his voice drops half an octave as he counters, “Oh yeah?” Sometimes we’re talking about Sex Things we’d like to do and they suddenly become Sex Things we are doing right now. Sometimes his voice just hits me the right way, renders me all melty-hot and small, and I make a squeaky submissive sound he recognizes, and we’re off to the races. I never remember quite how it began. It’s the least important detail of all, anyway.

2. I thought I didn’t like phone sex. I was resistant to those whispered words and breathy moans, paltry stand-ins for the embodied touches I craved. But I guess I just never knew anybody who could talk like this boy does.

It’s not like he’s really touching me; it’s not like he’s in the room with me. That would be an oversimplification of what this interaction feels like, what it means. “I can’t be there to fuck you physically,” he tells me one night, “but I try to take care of the psychological side of things.” That’s exactly what it is: he is fucking my brain, while I fuck my own body.

3. Identifying and understanding someone’s kinks is an underrated skillset. It’s one thing to know how someone likes to be fucked or choked or slapped; it’s quite another to know why they like these things, how these things make them feel, the words and phrases and images that flash through their mind when they’re getting off. It’s shockingly intimate to know a person that well.

And know me, he does. He keeps a “mental model” of me, he says, and updates it each time he learns something new about what gets me panting and dripping. He also keeps literal notes on me, in an app on his phone, because he is a nerd – but I think he barely refers to them anymore; he doesn’t need to. When you’ve fucked someone over the phone as many times as he has fucked me over the phone, and you really listen, you learn which phrases make them purr. You memorize when each particular moan will happen and what it denotes. You develop strategies for pushing them over the edge, and you sharpen your approach until it glimmers. Shockingly intimate, indeed.

4. But it’s not just his words. It’s his voice. So boyish and goofy when we’re joking around. So helpless and smitten when we’re confessing our love. So dark and oaky when he’s dominating me from afar. I could melt into it. I could dissolve in it. I often do.

5. “There is no one else I’d rather be in a long-distance relationship with,” I told him once. What I meant was: we are both verbal, and auditory, and kink-nerdy, and digitally savvy, and all those things combine to make a connection that can thrive through texting and phone calls and giggly FaceTime convos. Only a certain type of person could carry on this type of relationship in this electrically connective manner, and I’m so glad I found one in this world. Phone sex with him is not a stand-in for what I want. It is what I want. Or part of what I want, anyway.

6. The first time he wanted to slap me through the phone, I balked a little. Hurting myself, even at his behest, felt off somehow – a farcical facsimile of the thing we both really wanted: his hand arcing through the air again and again to redden my cheek. But I had trusted him with so much already and it made sense to trust him on this, too.

We experimented with different approaches, and, as two communication nerds are wont to do, eventually found what works best for us. He tells me to place my hand on my face. He tells me what intensity he wants these next impacts to be, on a scale from 1 to 10. And then, when we’re ready, he says: “Now.”

It always surprises me how readily my hand responds to him, as though possessed by his dark dominance from hundreds of miles away. Rationally, I know I could decide not to hit myself, if I didn’t want to do it. But I want to do it. So I always do. And it tugs me down into subspace almost as fast as his slaps do when he is there to give them.

7. We sometimes use the word “snowglobey” to describe time we spend together. It’s that feeling when you and your sweetheart are locked in a close moment, fleetingly frozen, and nothing outside your connection seems to exist. Time stretches endlessly, and it’s also over before you know it. You’re insulated. Embroiled. Snowglobey.

I have a bad habit of checking my phone when I’m supposed to be focusing on other things (these days, don’t we all?) but my mind doesn’t wander when his voice is fucking me. I forget that Twitter and Facebook and Slack exist. You only know what a big deal that is if you, too, live a phone-focused life. If you do, then you know it is a huge deal.

What a gift to give someone: some distraction-free minutes of pleasure, riveting and riveted. What a beautiful gift my love gives to me when he weaves stories so absorbing, I forget my body ever knew anything but bliss.

8. He murmurs filthy things about what he would do to me if he was here, but – vitally – he also tells me what to do to myself, right now.

He chooses my sex toys for me, and decides when each can come into play. He tells me how to use them: “Harder.” “Faster.” “Deeper.” He can tell how well I’m following his directions by the sounds I make. “Deeper than that. Almost. There you go.” It’s his mastery of me, as much as his dominant directives, that renders me a submissive puddle for him. I always do what he says, because if I don’t, he will know – and if I do, I will come. He will make sure that I do.

9. You would think that the orgasms would feel the way they do when I jerk off: quick, easy, small, predictable, perfunctory.

They don’t. They feel the way they do when he fucks me IRL: momentous and monumental, never quite expected, knocking me over like a wave. Afterwards, I lie there, cunt pulsing, breath slowing, all the energy and stress drained out of me. I listen to the rhythms of his voice and his breath, syncing with mine, floating back to earth, and I feel a peace and a connection I only ever previously knew while curled up against someone’s chest after they fucked the life out of me. I never knew I could get here without touching him at all. But here we are.

10. We learned pretty quickly that aftercare matters, even for phone sex. Saying good night just after orgasm left me as cold and alone as I’d be if one of us rolled over after sex, said “See ya,” and took off. My logical brain posited, “It’s just phone sex; it can’t need as much aftercare as an in-person kink scene does, because it can’t be as intense!” But it can be, and it often is, and aftercare is as important as ever.

We catch our breaths. We whisper I-love-you’s. We lie in bed sighing contentedly and giggling like goons. We describe how we would touch each other if we were together, and it feels almost real: fingertips brushing along heated skin. We find our way back to the world outside our little snowglobe. That world is just as harsh and unpredictable as ever, but I feel strengthened by the love I’ve given and received. Like a hot cup of coffee, my love emboldens me, refuels me, warms me right through.

There was a time when I thought I didn’t like phone sex. I wish I could lean back through time to that past version of me and tell her: “Just you wait.”

3 D/s Protocols I’m Loving Lately

Kate Sloan
Suz at the Ritual Chamber, photographed by Taylor J Mace

There are many elements of my submission that only come out when a dominant brings them out of me. I only like calling people “Daddy” when there’s someone in my life who has earned that title, for example, and I only fantasize about kneeling to lick the boots of a select few. Dominance and submission are very context-dependent!

That’s why it took me so long to become interested in protocol, I think. I’m defining “protocol” here as a specific set of rules and routines agreed upon by a dominant and a submissive, usually with a particular trigger and outcome: “When [x] happens, you will [y].” I had read about protocol in Sinclair Sexsmith essays and elsewhere, but wasn’t sure it was for me. But when my current dominant partner started discussing it with me, I realized I felt very positively about it – with him, anyway!

Part of the difference, I think, is that we’re long-distance. Protocol is a way for us to feel closer to each other throughout our day-to-day, even though we only get to see each other in-person once every month or two. It’s a way for both of us to confirm to the other that we think about each other often, consider each other in our decision-making, and respect and value the relationship and D/s dynamic we have co-created. Isn’t kink romantic?!

We have several different protocols, all lovingly enumerated in a shared note called “Sir and little one” that syncs to all our various devices, because we’re nerds. Here are three I’m particularly loving lately.

Little one must prepare 3 “interview questions” to ask Sir for every pre-planned (i.e. 3+ hours’ notice) phone call.

This arose from the early days of our relationship, when we learned about each other with ravenous curiosity. He would sometimes teasingly call me out for asking probing follow-up questions aplenty during our conversations. What can I say – I’m a curious weirdo with a J-school education, and when faced with an interesting person, sometimes I go into “reporter mode”!

Asking him questions serves a number of different purposes that make both of us feel good. It makes me feel smart, incisive, and useful. It reinforces our DD/lg dynamic, by making him feel older/wiser and making me feel small/naive. I get to learn more about this person I love, and when he turns the question around on me (which he always does), he gets to learn more about me, too. It deepens our connection in a way that feels really satisfying, which is (IMO) exactly what protocol should do.

The questions are whatever I’m curious about: they’ve been anything from big philosophical queries to small specific ones to sexy ones. I keep an ongoing list of these questions stored up in a Google Doc and move them to an “already asked” list once they’ve been used. Here are some examples, so you can get a sense of what kinds of things I like to ask:

  • “What’s the last thing you did that was really out of character?”
  • “Which friend of yours is the most different from you, and how does that affect your friendship?”
  • “What do you think distinguishes a kinky person from a vanilla person?”
  • “Have you ever stolen anything?”
  • “What are some of your hidden talents?”
  • “Where and when do you get your best ideas?”
  • “What’s your favorite font?”

Sir gets the first taste of all little one’s drinks (excluding water) while they’re together.

My Sir is a cocktail nerd, so when we’re out together, he always chooses my drink and orders it for me. This protocol seemed like a natural extension of that. When he brought it up, he said he wanted to set this rule because a) he always wants to try my drinks anyway, to see what they’re like, and b) he wants to make sure the drinks are good enough for his little girl. Aww.

I like how deferential I feel when this protocol comes into play. Sliding my just-delivered cocktail across the table to Sir for his approval, before I even taste it myself, makes me feel small and powerless compared to him in a way I enjoy.

Protocols involving the control of food or drinks could be triggering for some folks who have struggled with eating disorders, alcoholism, etc. in the past or present, so tread carefully and communicate impeccably if you’re thinking about implementing a protocol in this category. I’m very into ours, though.

Little one must ask Sir permission to come if she’s thinking about or having sex with him, unless he’s going down on her.

Orgasm control is a big kink of my Sir’s, so from our very first sexting and phone-sex sessions, he always wanted me to ask permission before coming. When we wrote up our protocols, we made this rule official.

I was initially very hesitant about this one. My orgasms are sometimes elusive, so when one suddenly felt within reach, I didn’t want to derail it by taking a moment to ask, “May I come, please, Sir?” I worried that if I backed off for even that one moment, I’d screw up my orgasm trajectory and maybe miss out on one altogether. That seemed frustrating and pointless to me.

However, like anything, it’s gotten easier with practice. Now I’m usually able to squeak out my request without losing any headway on the path to orgasm – and I’ve developed enough trust with my Sir to know that he almost always grants me permission pretty quickly. In some ways, this protocol even lessens my preexisting anxieties about taking “too long” to come, because I know I’m not allowed to come without permission and that means my Sir wants to enjoy me wherever I am on the journey to orgasm.

We added the “unless he’s going down on her” caveat recently because my orgasms from oral sex are much more elusive and easily lost than ones I have through other means, so I’d rather focus completely on those without the distraction of having to ask first. There is something hot, too, about oral sex being a “loophole” through which I get to have “freebie” orgasms. It makes me feel even more motivated to relax into those sensations and get off that way.

Bonus: Here’s a protocol we tried that we ended up nixing because it wasn’t working for us:

Little one must show Sir any selfies that she plans to tweet before she tweets them. If she forgets, she must take another photo just for Sir that matches his specifications.

We thought this would be cute because it would make my Sir feel special to get a “preview” of my selfies before the whole internet saw them. I was a little wary, going into this one, that it might make me feel too owned – it felt uncomfortably close to how a monogamous ex of mine demanded I refrain from posting nudes online, even though I wanted to, because he considered that a violation of our monogamy. (That’s a totally fair boundary to set if you both feel great about it. I didn’t.)

However, as it turns out, the owned-ness of this protocol wasn’t what made it hard for me. I have a lot of anxiety about “bugging” my partners by texting them “too much” or at times when they might be busy (say, with another partner), so I found that sometimes, when I wanted to tweet a selfie, the thought of texting my Sir first was too challenging so I just… didn’t. And that meant I was posting fewer selfies and feeling kinda sad about that.

We implemented this protocol for a trial period of 10 days, at the end of which we talked about it to decide whether we wanted to keep it. I was willing to continue with it, but Sir didn’t like that it had become a deterrent to my selfie-posting, so we opted to eliminate it. It served as a good reminder for me (and maybe for you, too) that it’s okay to try protocols out, adapt and shift them as necessary, and sometimes get rid of them altogether. They are never set in stone, and that’s a good thing!

What are your favorite protocols you’ve tried, or wanted to try?

Additional resources on protocol (mostly Sinclair Sexsmith, ’cause I love them):

Monthly Faves: Southsides & Sweet Sadists

Kate Sloan

March was kind of a weird month for my mental health but I still managed to get fucked real good a bunch… Here were some of my fave things this month!

Sex toys

• SheVibe sent me a Neon Wand a little while ago after I mentioned being curious about electrostimulation (thank you, sweet angels!) and I finally got to try it out with a partner this month. M’boyf strapped me down using my under-the-bed restraints and then proceeded to zap me all over various tender body parts until I turned into a subspacey mess. Full review to come!

• I requested a Liberator Axis from Betty’s Toy Box and I’m even more into it than I thought I would be. It’s a sexual positioning aid, much like the Liberator Wedge or Jaz, except it has a slot where you can insert your Magic Wand. Ideal for hands-free clitoral stimulation while getting fucked from behind or spanked!

• Did y’all know that it’s really fun to fuck someone with an Njoy Pfun plug while you’re blowing them? Well, it is.

Fantasy fodder

• I mentioned hysteria kink last month but I’m gonna talk about it again, dammit. One night in mid-March after a tipsy date at Northwood, my darlin’ was kissing and spanking me in bed when he suddenly said, “I want you to take off your panties and be my patient.” I knew immediately that he meant he wanted to enact the kind of medical-play scene we’d sexted about on many an occasion. Swoooon. I’ve fantasized about this type of play for a long time, so it felt especially magical to have him expertly pull an orgasm from my body with the Eleven and Doxy #3 while mumbling darkly about what a good patient I was and how much better I was going to feel after the procedure.

• Welp, you can file bootblacking under “things I liked in fantasy that I ended up liking even more IRL.” After plenty o’ sexting about it, my Sir and I finally gave bootblacking a shot this month, with him in a comfortable armchair and me on a leash at his feet. I got waaay more subspacey and trancey than I was expecting; it was meditative and lovely. And his shoes looked fucking great afterward.

• I’m experimenting with dominance a little these days. I’ve played with it before, but usually only with people I was exclusively dominant over; it’s rare I attempt to switch with people who normally dom me. But it’s been fun. I like roleplaying as a withholding mistress or a bratty blackmailing schoolgirl. (And I love that one of my favorite subby kink honorifics, “princess,” works just as well for me in a dominant role if we spell it with a capital P…)

Sexcetera

• Check me out on the Bed Post podcast! Erin and I had a great chat about hypnokink, DD/lg, sex spreadsheets, and more.

• I was so proud of my friend Suz this month when she relaunched her website and held a rad party to celebrate the occasion. There was a delicious signature cocktail called the Sex on the Peach, genitalia cupcakes, porn screenings, “CUM” balloons, a spanking booth, and more. I had so much fun dancing the night away to ’90s pop in a super slutty outfit. Congrats, Suz!

Femme stuff

• I bought sequinned leggings from the Gap and they’re so good. I used to own a pair like these in high school and I wore them so much they literally fell apart. Looking forward to going dancing in these; I’ll be a walking disco ball!

• My Sir ordered a couple custom pieces for me from L’Amour-Propre this month: a leash in the same blue suede as my collar, and a silver heart-shaped lock with “Daddy’s” engraved on it. We’re still feeling out exactly what the lock is for and under what circumstances I’ll wear it, but I’ve been wearing it on a silver chain and treating it as basically a fancier collar, and it’s so pretty!

• I bought a Dildorks shirt. It’s cute as fuck. You can order your own here!

Little things

Dinner and a comedy show with my bruddy. The boyf staying up with me on FaceTime til 2:30AM, helping me with a research project and making me laugh. Ukulele jam sessions. Making money doing what I love. Seeing Stacey Kent in concert after loving her music for like 15 years. My new tattoo, still. Giggling at Flo & Joan songs with Zoe over gin and tonics. My new roommate’s two cats (I have befriended… one of them). My sweet Sir asking if he could call me when I was having a bad mental health night by saying, “Are you sure you don’t just wanna hear my voice be silly and stuff? You don’t have to do anything; I can just be entertaining and complimentary.” Watching the hot bartender at the Crow’s Theatre make me a wonderful old-fashioned. My two favorite songs of the month, “Like or Like Like” and “Kidnap Me.” Pizza and wine with Rosaline, as per usual. Sir visiting me in Toronto, and getting to take him to my fave places. The breakfast special at Dooney’s. Crossing things off to-do lists. Sipping a Southside with my daddy while talking about D/s semantics.

Frequently Asked Questions About Daddy Dom/Little Girl Kink

Kate Sloan

Daddy Dom/little girl kink – i.e. “DD/lg” – is maybe my biggest kink. It feels weird to say that, seeing as it’s only been on my radar for 2-3 years, but it’s true. In the time since coming into and owning up to this kink, I’ve received countless questions about it – so I’ve put together this little FAQ to answer some of the common ones. Hope this helps demystify my foremost perversion for ya!

What is DD/lg?

I’m sure everyone who’s involved in this kink has their own definition, but here’s mine. A DD/lg dynamic is a dominant/submissive dynamic where the style of dominance is more nurturing, benevolent, and supportive than the typical media model that paints dominance as vicious, punitive, or humiliating. There is also an element of ageplay, where the submissive inhabits a psychologically small/young role and the dominant may inhabit a role close to their own age or older than themselves.

What makes someone a Daddy Dom?

If you enjoy playing a dominant role in D/s dynamics but would rather your scenes be about supporting, uplifting, guiding, and nurturing your submissive than humiliating them, hurting them, etc., then you might be a Daddy Dom. That said, this type of dominance can also involve some discipline, pain, and so on, so you don’t have to rule that stuff out completely. Self-identified Daddy Doms are also usually drawn to the ageplay element of this kink, whether they eroticize feeling older/wiser/bigger than their partner, or their partner acting smaller/younger than them, or both.

If you’re curious about this identity but unsure how you feel about it, here’s a Twitter thread where Daddy Doms explained how they first became aware of and comfortable with that identity for themselves. There are some cute anecdotes in it!

How do you know if you’re a little?

I can’t speak for everyone with this kink, but I know how I knew. When I went into a submissive headspace during scenes, I often felt smaller and younger than I did in my everyday life, and found myself slipping into a “little voice” to match (higher-pitched, gigglier, sentences constructed in a more juvenile way). I eroticized feeling younger than many of my dominant partners, even when they were my age or younger. I also noticed that I liked pain and roughness during sex but preferred to view it not as a punishment but instead as something I was enduring to prove myself to my dominant, or even as a reward. My preferred flavor of dominance is one that’s more interested in building me up than cutting me down.

Some littles get even more intensely into the role of a younger person, and may incorporate elements like stuffed animals, coloring books, and pacifiers into their play. I have never been interested in those more overt symbols of ageplay, but for those who are, a DD/lg dynamic (or something similar) could be a way to use those interests.

What’s up with the gendered language?

Anyone can be a Daddy Dom or a “little girl,” regardless of their gender or genitalia. There are also “Mommy Doms,” “little boys,” non-binary versions of either role, etc. As with any kink, there may be more common ways of playing it out but that doesn’t mean you’re limited to those avenues; you can make it yours in whatever way makes sense for you and your partner(s). As for me, I’m a submissive woman who mostly dates dominant men, so the DD/lg dynamic is the specific version of this type of relationship that I’ve played with most often and am currently involved in.

Do you have to use the word “Daddy”?

Nope! Some people hate that word, find it gross/upsetting/triggering, or just don’t particularly connect with it, and that’s totally fine. You can still play with a nurturing style of D/s even if you use different words for it. For example, “Sir” is a word I’ve commonly subbed in for “Daddy” in situations where the latter just didn’t feel quite right for whatever reason. You and your partner(s) can choose whichever honorific(s) you prefer. That goes for any names the submissive wants to go by, as well.

How did you, personally, discover you were into this kink?

I’ve always had crushes on older men, especially those in positions of authority over me, like professors. I used to think this was only because I’ve been a precocious old soul my whole life, but in retrospect, I think there’s also always been a kink element at play. I’m drawn to dominant masculine types who project an easy confidence and a touching level of concern about me and my well-being.

My first DD/lg fantasies surfaced during a class at journalism school that was taught by a hot older lawyer from whom I craved a firm over-the-knee spanking. Not too long after that, I listened to the ageplay episode of Why Are People Into That?, which gave some language to these concepts I had been considering. I started exploring DD/lg dynamics in my relationships, mostly by calling dominant partners “Sir” while wishing I was brave enough to call them “Daddy.” Last summer, I dated my first self-identified Daddy Dom, and while that relationship didn’t work out, it showed me that this dynamic was indeed something I wanted/needed in my life. Now I’m dating another Daddy and I’m so happy!

How does this kink manifest during sex?

I can’t and won’t speak for other DD/lg kinksters, because I’m sure their sex lives vastly vary from person to person. For me, sex with a Daddy Dom usually involves some combination of: Daddy controlling the action of the scene and deciding what we do and when; Daddy “making” me take pain (e.g. spanking, scratching, face-slapping) and/or other difficult sensations (e.g. fisting, forced orgasm play) “for my own good” or for his amusement/gratification; Daddy requesting or demanding service (e.g. blowjobs, handjobs) for his pleasure; Daddy training/instructing me in certain sexual activities (e.g. how to blow him exactly the way he likes it, how to take his whole fist inside me); Daddy giving me pleasure and orgasms, especially as rewards I’ve earned and/or as a treat I have to ask/beg for; Daddy pushing me to my emotionally cathartic limits via intense sensation (e.g. spanking, face-slapping), again, “for my own good;” and Daddy giving me hella good aftercare to make me feel safe and supported once we’re done playing.

How does this kink manifest outside the bedroom?

The DD/lg dynamic doesn’t have to extend outside of sex, but for many folks with this kink, it does. Personally, my Daddy gives me some structure and discipline I relish, like when he sends me a reward (e.g. a video of him winking) for finishing a big work project, or gives me an incentive (e.g. a good long phone-sex session at the end of the day) to take better care of myself. He guides and advises me, within negotiated limits, on both professional and personal matters. Sometimes he gives me tasks or instructions designed to expand my horizons and improve my life, like when he instructs me to go to a restaurant I’ve never been to before or talk to someone I’ve been crushing on. He holds me accountable, making me want to finish all my work and accomplish great things so he’ll be proud of me. His love and support make me feel safe and motivated.

I asked my Daddy what he gets out of the nonsexual parts of our dynamic, and here’s what he said:

“Being able to guide, support, motivate, protect you makes me feel competent and trusted. It makes me feel bigger, like if I can help take care of this other person, I must know what I’m doing somewhat. It makes me feel closer to you when I can anticipate your needs and wants. It makes me feel like you’re fully trusting me when you let me tell you what I think is best for you, let me pick your clothes, and let me give you guidance on career stuff. I get this huge hit of pride when something I guide you toward works out. And even when it doesn’t perfectly, I learn more about my little girl.

It’s also nice sometimes ’cause it lets me do things I want to do, like carrying your stuff, without feeling like I’m taking away any agency or putting you down. Because it’s consensual and for a good reason. Same for picking your drinks.”

Does this have anything to do with actual incest?

Nooo! Or at least, not in the literal sense. I’ve never, to my knowledge, met a DD/lg kinkster who had sexual feelings about their actual parent or child. And I certainly have never had sexual feelings about my actual father.

What’s hot to me about the DD/lg dynamic is the power imbalance, the nurturing quality, and the taboo of it. Those qualities could all exist just as easily in a professor/student dynamic, doctor/patient, step-dad/step-daughter, and various others. I’m not married to the idea of my kink dynamics implying familial relations.

That said, for some people, incest itself is a kink. They may enjoy the taboo of that dynamic. However, from what I’ve gathered in talking to some of those kinksters, even their proclivities aren’t about literally wanting to fuck members of their own actual family. It’s a roleplay, a fantasy, a series of archetypes.

How did you get over shame and self-judgment about this kink?

I am fortunate that a lot of my kinks have come into vogue recently, so they’re more societally accepted than they would’ve been a few years ago. Calling partners “Daddy” is a relatively normal thing now, for example (hotly debated sometimes, yes, but normalized nonetheless). Full-on DD/lg dynamics obviously take this further than your typical “Fuck me harder, Daddy” thrown into occasional dirty-talk, but many people at least have a touchstone now for what could make this kink hot, so I’m less ashamed about this interest than I used to be.

A big part of my shame centered on the names and words themselves, actually, especially the word “Daddy.” For a long time I had trouble saying it out loud; it made me cringe and blush, which I figured meant I just wasn’t that into it. But the more that I practiced saying it and thinking it, the easier it got. Sometimes I would practice while masturbating. Sometimes I would murmur it in a partner’s ear if I was too shy to look into their eyes when I said it. Sometimes I would just think it until I felt brave enough to say it. It was a process.

It’s also helped me a lot to only date/fuck people who are sex-positive, kink-positive, open-minded and non-judgmental. Which is easier said than done, sadly.

Does the Daddy Dom have to be older/bigger/stronger than the submissive?

Nope! I know people whose Daddies are younger than them. My last Daddy was 5 inches shorter than me. My current Daddy is just over a year older than me. Age and size aren’t nearly as important to me as how the person makes me feel. As long as I feel small, safe, and submissive in their presence, all those other factors are superfluous.

Granted, some people have an easier time getting into a submissive headspace when their partner is bigger, older, and/or stronger than them, or when their partner holds more real-world power than they do (privilege, financial capital, etc.) – and if you’re one of those people, then that’s a good thing to know about yourself so you can find what you’re looking for.

How does punishment work in this dynamic?

I think this must differ a lot from person to person, depending on what’s helpful to them psychologically, what turns them on sexually, what they do or don’t conceptualize as a punishment, and what past traumas they may or may not have related to the idea of punishment.

Personally, I don’t do well with traditional punishments. They make me feel like a massive failure and like my partner is actually mad at me, which can lead me into an anxious or depressive spiral. I function much better with positive reinforcement, and don’t get much out of punishment psychologically or sexually.

That said, my Daddy and I have come up with some punishments for me that don’t totally break my brain. Being told to clean my room, wash all my sex toys, or go to an event (because I’m a dyed-in-the-wool introvert) are all things I don’t find especially fun but that are ultimately productive and positive, so they can function as a punishment without making me miserable.

How does this kink interact with non-monogamy?

I would be interested in hearing other DD/lg kinksters’ answers to this, because my experience is that I don’t think I could have multiple Daddies at once, and I certainly haven’t dealt well with the thought of my Daddies having other “little girls.” This dynamic can make me jealous and possessive in a way I don’t feel as much anymore with more traditional D/s dynamics or vanilla relationships. Part of my enjoyment hinges on being not only his little girl but his favorite little girl, his precious perfect only little girl, and maybe some people would say that’s “bad poly,” but right now that’s how I feel.

The DD/lg dynamic requires deep vulnerability and trust (for me and many folks I know, at least), and I find it difficult to go into that vulnerable space when I’m also grappling with jealous feelings. I’ve dealt with this by establishing “DD/lg exclusivity” both of the times I’ve dated a Daddy Dom: we were able to date and fuck other people as per usual, but we reserved names like “Daddy” and “little one” just for each other, and didn’t explore that particular D/s style with others. These boundaries helped me – and continue to help me – feel emotionally safe enough to go deep into our DD/lg connection.

I asked my Daddy for his thoughts on this, as someone more experienced with non-monogamy than I am but who had never done the DD/lg thing before meeting me, and here’s what he said:

Because this is new to me, I’m not sure how my jealousy/compersion feelings would have worked. When you tell me that I’m your Daddy, that already feels very singular and special to me, and I think it’d be hard for my brain to conceptualize two or more. Also once I started viewing you as my little girl, I didn’t want that with anyone else/think it’d be hard for me to have this dynamic with two people at once, because it’s so intense and emotional.

 

What other questions do you have about DD/lg? Leave ’em in the comments!

 

Heads up: This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Things I Love About Erotic Hypnosis

Kate Sloan

Have you ever discovered a new kink and instantly wanted to know everything about it?

This happened to me with age play, it happened to me with bootblacking, and most recently, it’s happened to me with hypnokink. What’s interesting is that these salacious fixations aren’t necessarily driven by genital stirrings – I’m not a dyed-in-the-wool fetishist, mostly just a kinky dilettante – but where my brain goes, my junk will often follow.

Not only is erotic hypnosis fascinating to me intellectually; it also appeals because I’m dating someone new who’s deeply, deeply into it. When I’m super attracted to someone and desperately want them to want me, my service kinks make all their kinks seem much more alluring all of a sudden. Aren’t brains strange?!

Here are 5 of my favorite things I’ve discovered about this unique kink in the couple months I’ve been exploring it…

It’s a completely new sensation to me. Remember when I told you I wanted to try electrostimulation because I thought it’d be utterly different from any pleasures or pains I’d felt before? Being in trance is like that too. The first time my partner tranced me was actually an accident (that’s a wild story for another time!) and I immediately noticed that it felt like sleepiness, but different; like subspace, but different; like post-yoga relaxation, but different. When I’m in trance, I feel warm, comforted, lulled, and thrillingly malleable.

There are times now when I actively crave trance, just like I do with any other sexual sensation. I miss it when I’ve gone too long without it. And then when my Sir drops me down, it feels all the more delicious.

It loosens my inhibitions. Being a sexually anxious person, I’ve found lots of tricks that work to reduce my anxiety – such as wearing a blindfold, telling my partner what I’m nervous about so they can reassure me, judicious use of weed or booze, or enduring pain so intense it clears my brain.

Being tranced makes me feel a little loopy, like being drunk, high, or super sleepy. This makes it easier for me to ask for what I want and to genuinely enjoy myself in the moment. But beyond that, a partner can also specifically plant a suggestion while I’m in trance that’ll make me feel more confident and less inhibited. A few weeks ago, my Sir used hypnosis to temporarily remove my verbal filter so I would just spout whatever filthy shit entered my mind while we had phone sex, and I monologued at him for like 40 minutes about thigh-grinding, boot-licking, blowjobs, and exhibitionism, among other things. As someone who’s normally pretty shy about dirty talk, I was amazed this could happen!

You can do it without even being physically together. Unlike most “standard” sexual activities, hypnokink lends itself well to long-distance relationships. Many hypno-tops cultivate a mesmerizing voice they only use when hypnotizing someone, and oftentimes, their voice and their words are their primary tools. My Sir’s tranced me many times over the phone but only once in person so far, and I didn’t even notice much of a difference between the two, in terms of the depth of trance I was able to reach.

I’ve long been resistant to long-distance relationships because I felt I needed the intimacy and satisfaction of regular sex with a partner to feel fulfilled by them, but the combination of polyamory and distance-friendly activities like hypnosis has helped diffuse this problem for me. My darlin’ may be 500 miles away from me, but when he’s easing me down into a warm, relaxing trance with just the power of his voice, it feels like he’s right beside me in bed.

There are tons of resources about it. When you’re doing something precarious and scary like messing around with someone’s brain, you’d better know your shit. And fortunately, there’s lots you can learn on the internet, in books, and at workshops about this kink.

My Sir recommends the books Mind Play (which I read and loved; it’s a thorough and titillating introduction to erotic hypnosis with lots of actionable tips) and Hypnotic Amnesia. There are plenty of hypnotists doing good stuff on YouTube if you want a little taste of what trance can feel like; I particularly like Alicia Fairclough. And finally, you should poke around on Fetlife to see if there’s a hypnokink group in your local area; I’ve discovered cool people doing interesting hypno things in my city that way, and you’ll often learn more from seeing an in-person demo than you ever could from a web video.

It requires deep trust and vulnerability. This is my favorite thing about most kinks, and hypnosis is no exception. You can’t – or at least shouldn’t – attempt it with someone unless and until you trust that they know their stuff and would not harm you. Once that trust is earned and established, it opens up so much space for play and exploration.

Sometimes when I watch hypnosis videos on YouTube, part of me feels a little reserved – “What if this person is evil and plants a harmful suggestion in me while I’m under?” – and it makes it trickier for me to go into trance, even though I know mind control isn’t really a thing. But I never feel that apprehension with my Sir. I know that whatever he says to me or does to me, it will be in service of fun, pleasure, and intimacy for us both. That level of trust is not only electrically hot, but also deeply nourishing to me in a way I can’t even quite articulate. That is what’s beautiful to me about any kind of consensual power exchange, and I’m so glad to have found yet another manifestation of that feeling in hypnosis.

Have you ever experimented with hypnosis, in either sexual or non-sexual ways? What did you think?