long-distance relationships

How to Give a Ton of Pleasure with a Long-Distance Sex Toy

Kate Sloan
Screenshot

I have had a lot of phone sex in my life. Like, a lot. At this point it’s quite possible I’ve had phone sex more times than I’ve had in-person sex. Being in a long-distance relationship for over 7 years will do that to a person! (Or at least, to an aurally-inclined person like myself…)

In that time, I’ve learned a lot about how to make phone sex as hot as possible – and some of my favorite innovations in that regard are toys by Lovense. Many other brands have attempted to make toys that can be controlled from a distance, but none so successfully as Lovense, if you ask me. Their toys have more reliable connectivity than any others I’ve tried, their app is thoughtfully designed, and their catalogue offers tons of stimulation options for people of various anatomies, genders, and preferences.

The last time I made someone come using a Lovense toy, she gasped out afterward, “You should write an article about how you do that!” I’m sure that different people have different approaches, but my style of Lovense-topping has always been well-received (so to speak), and so I feel qualified to advise on this! Without further ado, for your enjoyment and edification, here are six quick tips for giving someone maximal pleasure with a Lovense toy…

 

1. Hop on an audio call

You could use a Lovense toy on somebody without being able to hear them, but in my view, that would be much harder and much less hot! As with IRL sex, someone’s noises can give you a lot of guidance about what’s working and what’s not, and are also just sexy as hell.

Lovense’s app has a built-in voice-call feature, but feel free to use whatever audio functionality you and your partner(s) prefer – I tend to do audio-only FaceTime calls, for instance. Most audio-call apps will sound a hell of a lot better than a regular ol’ phone call, which is often so low-quality that you can’t hear important subtleties like how fast somebody is breathing.

 

2. Set the toy to ‘float’ mode

By default, Lovense toys are set to automatically return to 0% power output if you take your finger off the touchscreen of your phone (or whatever other device you’re using the Lovense app on). This can be useful in certain situations, like for “tease & denial” play – but mostly I prefer to enable “float” mode, which keeps the vibration at the level you left it at, even if you put your device down to grab some lube, touch yourself, take a selfie, etc.

 

3. Start low & slow

Vibration is a wonderful thing, but it can be overwhelming, especially early on in the arousal process. If you crank up the vibration too quickly, you risk overstimulating your partner, which could cause discomfort, pain, or temporary numbness. That stuff is hot for people who are specifically into overstimulation (a.k.a. “orgasm torture”), but the rest of us will probably want to start with gentle vibration and work our way up gradually. That’ll preserve as much sensitivity as possible, allowing for greater heights of pleasure.

 

4. Create the illusion of motion

Okay, this might be the real secret to my success as a Lovense top… Throughout a session, I’ll usually wiggle my finger up and down on my phone’s touchscreen, rather than keeping the vibration fixed at one level. I’ll increase and decrease the overall intensity as needed over the course of the session, rarely holding my finger completely still for longer than a few seconds. This is because the body gets accustomed to vibration after a bit, and so a steady, unchanging vibration can start to feel less stimulating over time (especially with buzzy/high-pitched vibration, more often found on the high end of Lovense toys’ power range).

Because of this principle, slight undulations up and down tend to make the vibration feel more impactful and less numbing. They also create the tactile illusion of motion – the slight oscillation makes penile vibration feel more like someone is actually stroking/riding you, for instance, while rhythmic stimulation of the G-spot can feel almost like human fingers massaging that spot. (I’ve even squirted from having the Lush used on me in this way!)

You can experiment with different types of motion at different times – for example, I prefer to move up and down a larger distance as someone gets closer to orgasm, because it seems to more closely resemble the way you’ll often instinctively fuck someone harder as they’re about to come.

 

5. Talk dirty

Sure, you could do a Lovense scene in total silence, or just listen to your partner’s moans… but 91% of people are turned on by dirty talk, so it tends to make sex hotter, the way salt makes food taste better. Dirty talk is also useful in closing the gap when having phone sex – it helps you stay mentally connected to your partner, by sharing a mutual sexual fantasy through your words. Vibration can sometimes feel coldly mechanical on its own, but may feel a lot better when, through the magic of dirty talk, you’re thinking of the vibrator as your partner’s hand or tongue or cock.

It might take some practice to get used to operating the Lovense app while talking dirty – but the better that you get at each separate skill, the easier it’ll be to combine them, and even to get into a sweet sweet flow state while doing so!

 

6. Don’t forget aftercare!

Phone sex really isn’t that different from in-person sex. Both can involve intimacy, pleasure, orgasms, big releases of neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, and potentially complicated feelings. Just as I might feel empty and sad if someone rolled out of bed right after sex and left without a word, I similarly struggle when a partner unceremoniously ends a call (or falls asleep!) too soon after phone sex.

Aftercare is unique to each person/couple, so you should discuss aftercare preferences with your partner(s). For some, it may be as simple and quick as reminding each other to drink some water and then saying goodnight. Others may prefer some lovey-dovey pillow talk, or each whipping up a midnight snack together over the phone, or even “sleeping together” all night via speakerphone. Aww, cute!

 

Fellow users of long-distance toys, do you use these tips in your sessions? Anything else you’d recommend?

 

P.S. If you want to know more about specific Lovense toys, here are all the reviews I’ve written of them (and I’ll be publishing another one in the next few weeks, too!):

  • Exomoon (lipstick-shaped clitoral vibrator)
  • Spinel (self-thrusting sex machine)
  • Lush Mini, Lush 4, and Lush 3 (wearable G-spot vibrators)
  • Domi 2 (mini wand vibrator)
  • Ferri (magnetic clip-on panty vibrator)
  • Gush (penile vibrator; guest review by my wife)

 

This post was NOT sponsored, although I do get a little kickback (at no cost to you) when you buy products through my affiliate links, which helps support my writing so I can keep doing it!

The BEST long-distance sex toys – at the best Black Friday prices!

Kate Sloan
All images courtesy of Lovense

The other day, I was on the phone with a far-away person I’m newly dating, and I whined, “How am I going to get through the next few months without fucking you?!” This person and I likely won’t be able to see each other IRL again until the new year, which is causing me great consternation, because frankly, I want them to tear me apart.

They laughed good-naturedly, like they understood exactly how I feel – and then they said, “Innovations like this will help,” while sharply buzzing the Lovense Lush Mini that was inside me at the time. I gasped when I felt their teasing touch from 2,500 miles away, just as I would if they had slid two fingers inside me while lying next to me in bed.

These ‘teledildonic’ technologies (as they’re called in the biz) still astonish me whenever I use them. I never could’ve dreamed, as a horny swoony young thing in the early days of the social internet, that someday even my most geographically distant crushes could fuck me senseless, without so much as setting foot in my country – and that it could actually feel intimate, romantic, and hot. The internet has certainly wrought many evils on the world, but I regard teledildonics as one of its more positive achievements, a massive step forward in the human ability to connect.

All this to say: long-distance sex toy company Lovense is having a Black Friday sale right now, and I am more than qualified to tell you which of their toys you should snap up, whether you plan on using them solo, with a nearby partner, or with someone who lives hundreds (if not thousands) of miles away from you.

L to R: Lush Mini, Edge 2, and Domi 2

Lush Mini G-spot vibrator (full review here) – $129

My current fave in the Lovense lineup, this one is comfy, quiet, and deliciously rumbly. My G-spot is very picky when it comes to vibration, but the deep resonance and wide range of these vibrations make it feel wonderful, even throughout lengthy sessions lasting up to 2 hours (!!). This toy is so well-shaped for G-spot stimulation that it can even make me squirt. Pretty amazing stuff.

Edge 2 vibrating butt plug – on sale for $89

This is one of my absolute faves to use on a partner – specifically, a prostate-possessing partner – because it has two different motors which you can control separately, one that massages the perineum and one that targets the prostate more directly. The angle of the plug is adjustable, so it’s a good pick whether you like a lot of prostate pressure or not much at all.

Domi 2 wand vibrator (full review here) – on sale for $89

It’s a known fact that I love wand vibrators, so of course I enjoy Lovense’s wand! It’s not as rumbly/powerful as some full-size wands I’ve tried, but its range of intensities is nonetheless impressive, and I enjoy its petite form factor, which makes it more accessible to me than those heftier wands. It’s even small enough to use during PIV sex in certain positions.

L to R: Ambi, Flexer, Nora, and Max 2

Ambi bullet vibrator – on sale for $35!!

Probably the best deal in this whole sale! The Ambi is Lovense’s answer to other rumbly bullets like my beloved Tango X. Its cool handle shape makes it easier to hold in various positions, and its shape gives you tons of sensation options, from broad to pinpoint pleasure. If you’ve been wanting to experience Lovense’s legendarily rumbly motors, $35 for an Ambi is probably the best deal you’re ever gonna get!

Flexer dual-stimulation wearable vibe – on sale for $89

Intrigued by the bestselling Lush, but prefer something with clitoral stimulation? The Flexer is for you! Its internal portion is shaped to curve right into your G-spot just like the Lush does, but it also has an external arm that delivers deep, rumbly clitoral vibrations. A must-have for fans of blended orgasms – plus it’s comfy when ‘worn’ out and about (especially with a good water-based lube, reapplied as needed) so it’s great for discreet public scenes.

Nora & Max 2 rabbit vibe + vibrating stroker bundle – on sale for $179

One of the coolest things about Lovense’s teledildonic toys is that some of them can ‘talk to’ each other, making long-distance sex feel even more like sex. For example, the faster you thrust the Nora rabbit vibe in and out of yourself, the more intensely your partner’s Max 2 stroker will vibrate… or, the faster you thrust in and out of your Max 2 stroker, the more intensely your partner’s Nora rabbit will vibrate. My wife and I have enjoyed using these toys both together and separately, and this Black Friday sale is a fantastic deal on the duo!

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write fair and honest reviews of these products. As always, all writing and opinions are truthful and are my own.

5 Ways to Make Video Sex Less Nervewracking!

Kate Sloan

For the nervous among us, video sex (…or whatever we’re calling it these days) can be a bone(r)-chilling proposition – not because we don’t want to have it, necessarily, but because of all the anxieties it raises:

Will my body look appealing enough to my partner, through the lens of my low-def (or, worse, high-def) webcam? Will the glow of my laptop screen create flattering light in a dark room, or will it just make me look like a scene from The Blair Witch Project? Will my internet die at an inopportune moment, leaving a harrowing freeze-frame of me on my paramour’s screen? Will I squirt all over my very expensive computer and incur the wrath of the nerds at the Genius Bar?! (Uhh, that last one has never actually happened to me… yet…)

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for seven years, and although phone sex is our go-to, we do occasionally have sex via video call – and, while it initially made me shake with anxiety, I’ve used the following tips to get much more comfortable with it…

 

Tip #1: You don’t have to do video the whole time (or at all!)

Obligatory note on consent: If you don’t want to have video sex, you don’t have to. Period. There are other ways to connect sexually in long-distance relationships, and if video doesn’t turn your crank, I’d encourage you to communicate that to your partner and discuss other options. (This might be a dealbreaker for them if they’re a very visually-oriented person… or it might not, because photos exist. Who knows.)

That being said, it’s possible to freely consent to video sex even if you’re not that excited about it. Maybe there are things about it that turn you on, like being able to see/hear your partner’s reactions to your body, but your anxieties get in the way eventually. This has often been the case for me, so I very much appreciate that my partner and I will sometimes switch to an audio call after a while. The visuals are like an appetizer, or an aperitif, whereas the phone call is the main dish. Going audio-only helps me relax more, so I can enjoy myself more – and maybe it would help you in the same way.

 

Tip #2: Seek salacious inspiration

Whenever I feel unsexy in a particular sexual situation, I’ll look up videos of porn performers in that same situation, and see how they do it. Now, granted, this isn’t always the best approach – (most) porn is meant as entertainment, not education, and you may want to skip this one if you know that porn triggers your insecurities – but it’s an interesting starting point, at the very least.

Pay attention to stuff like: What poses/positions/angles do they use? Which toys seem to both feel awesome and look awesome on camera? How much time are they spending flirting with the viewer versus focusing on their own pleasure? What aspects of their style/approach, if any, appeal to you or would feel fun for you to try out? If it’s within your relationship boundaries, you could even hop onto a website featuring cam performers, BDSM cams, etc. and watch a live show for inspiration (don’t forget to tip!).

 

Tip #3: Wear something you feel cute in (and leave it on, if you want to!)

While sex is commonly depicted as a naked activity, it doesn’t have to be! I often feel more confident when I’m sporting a little outfit of some kind, even if said “outfit” is just a slip dress and some thigh-high socks. Sometimes I’ll strip it all off before the night is over, but other times I’ll just pull clothing aside to access relevant body parts as needed.

If the idea of being fully naked in front of a webcam freaks you out, why not ask your partner what clothing or accessories they’d find you hottest in? You don’t have to fulfill their wishes, of course – there are very few people for whom I would willingly subject myself to an underwire at this point, for instance! – but it could help you feel a whole lot foxier without even having to take your clothes off.

 

Tip #4: Try a medium-appropriate roleplay

It can sometimes feel awkward to try to replicate analog sex in a digital medium, so to speak… which is why it might help to do a roleplay that makes sense as a video call.

For example, you could roleplay a telehealth appointment gone awry when the doctor gets the hots for their patient… or an online job interview that yields chemistry more personal than professional… or a tech-support call with a shy-but-corruptible computer nerd. The possibilities are effectively endless! (And once again – if you need inspo, roleplaying live cams sites are a good place to start.)

 

Tip #5: Wear a blindfold

It may seem counterintuitive to wear a blindfold while engaging in such a visual form of sex… and indeed, if visuals are your primary turn-on, you might wanna skip this one. But I wanted to mention it, because wearing a blindfold reduces my sexual anxiety massively. It means that I don’t have to see myself on the screen (something that can also be fixed via settings in some apps, or by sticking a Post-It note over your own face on the screen – hey, whatever w0rks!), and it also just allows me to focus more closely on things that turn me on more than visuals do, like sounds, words, and sensations.

 

What has helped you most in combating video-sex anxieties?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Using a Sex Doll With a Partner is Underrated

Kate Sloan

It’s interesting, the narratives that evolve around particular sex toys. A woman who likes big realistic dildos, for instance, will often be assumed to like big dicks too, even if that’s not the case. A man who uses an anal vibrator can easily elicit comments about how he’s probably gay, even though anyone with a lick of sense knows that butts have no sexual orientation. And similarly, if you poll the public about what type of person owns a sex doll, odds are good that they’d tell you it’s single and (involuntarily?) celibate people who own them.

It’s true that sex dolls tend to be big investments – Best Real Doll has offerings ranging from $80 to $2,199 – and one could make the argument that a person is likelier to make that type of investment if they’re highly motivated by, say, horniness or loneliness or a combination thereof. But as anyone who’s ever been in a relationship can tell you, being coupled up is not an automatic or everlasting cure for horniness or loneliness!

Not to mention – and this is what I’d really like to talk about today – using a sex doll with a partner (or with multiple partners!) can be fun as hell. Let me count the ways…

 

Scenario 1: Long-distance play

Most applicably to my own life as a person in a long-distance marriage, adult sex dolls can be wonderful toys for couples who are separated by distance, whether for the long-term or the short-term.

Masturbating for each other over FaceTime or Zoom is fun, but it doesn’t necessarily help you feel like you’re there in the room with your sweetheart, because, well… if you were, you’d probably be touching them, rather than them touching themself. Watching them use a sex doll, on the other hand? *chef’s kiss*

Seeing my partner do things like go down on their sex doll, or get on top of it and fuck it, is like seeing my own sex life with them represented from a different angle. It’s also a bit like watching amateur porn the two of us have made together, except I’m not even there. It’s great! Highly recommend!

Scenario 2: Cuckolding

Cuckold kink is having a bit of a moment in the popular consciousness right now. (There’s even a whole book about the history of cuckolding, called Insatiable Wives. The more you know!)

However, even people who fetishize being cucked (or doing the cucking) may not want to actually go through with it in real life, for various reasons. Maybe they’re worried about STIs or COVID safety; maybe they work in childcare, education or politics and are concerned about being outed if they scout for a third on the apps; maybe they just prefer to be monogamous IRL despite their profoundly non-monogamous fantasies. That’s all valid, and cuck fans in those situations deserve to be able to explore their kink nonetheless!

That’s where sex dolls come in. They pose way fewer problems than a human stranger in your bed, and they also conveniently can be stored under said bed when you’re done, which… is generally inadvisable with real-life people. (Unless they’re into that, in which case, mazel tov.)

 

Scenario 3: Voyeurism, exhibitionism and/or denial

Chastity play is a part of my dynamic with my partner, and I could see it being fun to ride a sex doll in front of them while they’re locked up, as a way of teasing them with what they can’t have.

But even if denial isn’t explicitly part of your play, it can be hot to give your partner a show. They can “look but don’t touch,” like at a strip club, or they can get involved after a while if the spirit moves them. Sex-doll three-way, anyone?

 

Have you ever used a sex doll with a partner? Is it something you’d consider?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Have Sex in a Long-Distance Relationship

Kate Sloan

For a long time I maintained that I would never be in a long-distance relationship, because sex and other forms of physical affection mattered too much to me.

However, then I fell in love with a brilliant, beautiful, dominant-leaning switch who lives 500 miles away from me, so… that whole “never ever doing an LDR” thing kinda flew out the window.

Before we ever even had sex IRL, it became apparent to us – in the many many hours we spent falling in love over the phone – that we couldn’t be one of those long-distance couples who wait until they’re physically together to share any kind of sexual intimacy. There’s nothing wrong with that type of relationship, of course, and if it works for its participants then I wish them well! But this post is for people who aren’t happy with that being their status quo, and who want to explore alternate ways of building a satisfying sex life within a long-distance relationship. Here are some of the things that have worked for me and mb…

 

Phone sex

This is the first way we ever really had sex, and is still, by far, the most common way we get each other off. Although it’s largely gone out of vogue in favor of sexting and other more “modern” forms of long-distance sex, I still think nothing really beats the phone. Sexting feels too abstracted for me a lot of the time, as if I’m having sex with my iPhone rather than with my partner, whereas Skype sex, Zoom sex, etc. make me too self-conscious about my own appearance to really focus on feeling good. Phone sex strikes a happy medium between the two, allowing for the intimate immediacy of hearing your partner’s thoughts and reactions in real-time, but without the hyper-scrutiny that can arise in video sex.

My top tips for phone sex:

  1. Don’t use the actual phone, if you can help it. Do an audio call on something like FaceTime or Skype (yes, these normally video-centric services allow for audio-only calls). The quality is much better and so your experience will be better too.
  2. Get the right equipment. You don’t want to be fumbling with your handset while you’re trying to, um, “fumble with your handset.” For years I’ve used a pair of standard wired Apple earbuds, which have a microphone built-in, leaving my hands free to do other things.
  3. Talk about what you would do if you were physically together. It’s that simple. Or, if you prefer, you can use your imaginations to craft a roleplay scenario that would only be possible on the phone.

 

Sexting

It’s not my preferred way of having long-distance sex, but many people enjoy it. Personally I find it too hard to juggle typing and touching myself at the same time. Many of the folks I know who are into sexting say that they don’t really masturbate during the sexting, but moreso after it, when they can scroll back through the messages to their heart’s content. I prefer the real-time aspect of phone sex.

However, sexting can be really fun, and may be especially useful as an avenue for communication if you struggle to tell your partner about your sexual desires and preferences. After all, sometimes it’s easier to type “I want you to [x]” into your phone than to say it out loud to your partner’s beautiful face. I suggest reading Tina Horn’s book Sexting if you’re looking for advice on how to sext like a pro.

Sexting can also involve the exchange of sexy photos or videos, both of which can be lovely to receive (consensually, at appropriate times) when you’re missing your partner’s body.

 

Long-distance sex toys

There was a time when virtual sex via high-tech toys – a field of products sometimes known as “teledildonics” – was an exotic, futuristic concept, something technology magazines wrote about with wonderment and awe. These days, though, that type of toy is pretty widely available, so “touching” your partner via Bluetooth is a beloved option for many long-distance couples.

My partner has a long-distance stroker and butt plug, both of which we frequently use not only when we’re apart but also when we’re together, because sometimes my chronic pain is such that it’s easier for me to control sliders on my iPad screen than to actually give sensation with my own two hands.

The folks at Honeysx recommend the Magic Motion brand of remotely-controllable sex toys for long-distance couples. I like their bright, punchy aesthetic and reasonable prices!

 

Video sex

If you or your partner have an exhibitionistic or voyeuristic streak, this is probably something you’d enjoy. Personally, performing in front of a webcam or phone camera feels too much like, well, performing for me, which makes it hard for me to relax into arousal – but I know lots of people feel the polar opposite!

Make sure you use a medium that’s totally secure (someone Zoom-bombing your private moment would be pretty awful). Consider having sex toys on hand to use on yourself, as proxies for your partner’s hands/mouth/genitals/whatever.

 

What’s your preferred method of having long-distance sex?

 

This post was sponsored by Honeysx, a site that has a great selection of long-distance sex toys. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.