Epiphora – Girly Juice

Review: Piph Lube

March 31, 2018April 4, 2018Kate Sloan

(Edited to add: this was an April Fool’s Day joke, y’all! Don’t you wish this lube existed, though?!)

If you want a sex product designed right, get a sex toy reviewer to do it. That’s what I’ve always believed, and SheVibe has finally done it, enlisting queen of the sex toy reviewers Epiphora to develop her own lube. It is a thing to behold. I present to you: Piph Lube.

Now, you might be wondering: if I want a reviewer-endorsed water-based lube, why not just grab a bottle of Sliquid Sassy? Well, there’s more to it than that. This lube contains some additives which make it – to quote its tagline – “radically stimulating.” (Sounds like a fingerbanging class taught by a sandy-haired surfer bro, I know, but read on.)

The additives? Cannabis, caffeine, pinot grigio, catnip, and a mysterious force identified only as “queer magic.” These are a few of my favorite things…

Now let’s be clear before we proceed: this isn’t a lube for a quick, get-‘er-done kind of wank, just as a “special” brownie isn’t the ideal snack for when you’re running out the door to go write your SATs. (Well, depends on what kind of brain you have, I guess.) You’ve gotta settle in with this one. Clear your schedule. Light some incense. Take the phone off the hook, you archaic landline-possessing cutie, you.

I was involved in the early testing process of this lube, and skewing the formula created some amusing results. Too much cannabis and my vagina just wanted to squeeze on the dildo inside it, too slowly and too reverently, because it just felt so cooool. Too much caffeine and I’d clutch my Magic Wand in frantic T-rex hands, pressing it against my lube-smeared vulva in a mad dash toward orgasm. Too much pinot grigio and I’d fall asleep midway through my testing session with a dildo lazily sliding out of me and a boozy blush overtaking my cheeks. Too much “queer magic” and I’d get distracted from masturbation by the imminent need to scissor to a Tegan and Sara album. And let’s not even talk about what happened when there was too much catnip…

But the formula is finally exactly right, I’m thrilled to report. When I smear it all over a dildo or a butt plug for a luxurious wank sesh, I know I’m about to have an experience. The first time I tried this final formulation, I had three theatrical orgasms in a candle-rimmed bathtub while intermittently wailing along to Ani DiFranco and giggling like a six-year-old at a birthday party. The next time I tried it, I channelled my inner Rosie the Riveter and got most of my own fist inside me while chanting, “We can do it! We can do it!” The time after that, I squirted so hard I thought I was gonna pass out, and when I looked at the puddle on my bedsheets, I swear to god it was shaped like a unicorn. Hey, don’t ask me, I can’t explain the hows and whys of queer magic.

When I brought Piph Lube to a Tinder hookup’s house and explained what was on offer, he eagerly agreed to give it a shot. Five hours later, we finally collapsed in a heap of glitter and sweat – me scratched up and sated, him wide-eyed and whispering piously about how a communist, matriarchal society would reshape our sexual culture. I gently shushed him, closed his laptop to silence the Crash Pad scene we’d been looping in the background of our romp, and fell into a luxuriant sleep. He told me to tell you this lube “like, absolutely, unironically changes lives, okay?”

The additives are blended together in a base of filtered Portland rainwater, incase you want to “keep your orifices weird,” I guess. I keep wondering what Candace and Toni would think of this lube. They could probably use it to grease the wheels of their rolling book carts, in any case.

Although ingesting too much of any one additive in this lube could fuck you up pretty bad, the lube itself is totally body-safe. And it’s a good thing, too, because I want to use it a lot. Like, all the time. It’s hard not to love a product that makes your vagina feel like it’s flying through the cosmos holding hands with Cher and Prince.

I recommend pairing Piph Lube with a hyper-textured or visually stimulating toy to take full advantage of its sensual effects. Smear some on a heart-shaped butt plug if you just wanna feel more in tune with the love energy of the universe, y’know? Drip some on your BS Is Nice Rainbow dildo if you’re like, “Hey, I’m pretty gay, but I want to feel even gayer today.” Squirt some in your Tenga 3D Spiral if you want your dick to feel like it’s trapped in an Escher painting.

Many thanks to Piph and SheVibe for developing this lube. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’ll be in my bathtub, crying happy tears, coming too many times, and fucking myself into a sparkly stupor.

12 Business & Blogging Lessons From My Blog Idols

January 13, 2017January 8, 2017Kate Sloan

a dildo, mug full of pens, pair of glasses, and laptop on my desk

For years, I wondered what my life’s purpose was. I felt (and still feel) drawn to many different endeavors – journalism, creative writing, audio production, music, even musical theatre – and wasn’t sure how to meld those together into one cohesive career.

But something clicked when I started this blog, almost five years ago. As I tried out different types of content and developed my style, I slowly realized that running a blog could combine my passions in any way I wanted. Now, my days of “blog work” are comprised of writing, editing, social media promotion, taking and editing photos and videos, corresponding with readers, and rustlin’ up sponsors – all tasks I adore and didn’t think I could meaningfully combine, let alone earn money from. How dreamy!

I wouldn’t be where I am today without my blogging mentors: people whose blogs I’ve admired for years, whose instructional and personal content I’ve read and re-read, whose guidance I’ve taken to heart and put to good use. Here are some of those blog heroes, and some of the valuable biz-‘n’-blogging lessons they’ve taught me…

Gala Darling (galadarling.com)

It’s okay to overshare… selectively. Gala grew up during the height of LiveJournal‘s popularity (as did I, sort of), so her writing has always been tinged with tropes of the online-diary format. In the LJ days, it was commonplace for folks to divulge all sorts of glamorously mundane details from their lives: the music they were loving, the perfume they currently adored, the absurd adventures they’d recently gotten up to. These details were (and are) simultaneously banal and fascinating, when shared in an engaging way by someone in whom you already have an interest. Reading Gala’s work is instructive in striking that balance between “too small to be interesting” and “too showy to feel intimate.” Personal details invite your reader into your life, and – when shared tastefully and artfully – create a delicious connection between writer and reader.

Picture, and know, your “ideal reader.” Gala co-founded The Blogcademy with two of her blogger pals (including Kat, who I’ll tell you about in a minute), and one of the central lessons they impart on their “Blogcadettes” is the importance of vividly picturing your ideal reader in your head when you write. If you know who you’re writing for, you’ll automatically have a stronger sense of purpose and of what kind of content you should be producing. My “ideal reader” is a mental composite of actual readers of mine I’ve met and a younger version of myself. It’s an image that keeps me on-task and helps propel me forward when I’m feeling stuck.

Above all, be kind and loving. Gala’s brand centers an optimistic, adoring attitude, and I’ve always admired that. She is the human embodiment of the tenet, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” It’s not that she never speaks ill of anyone – it’s obviously valid to call out people/companies/entities who are being shitty! – but she doesn’t engage with cruel trolls or petty gossips. Instead, she mostly just directs positivity and love at her readers. Her blog, brand, and persona are cohesively focused on optimism and integrity. When I’m doing that really well, I see it mirrored back at me, in the form of equally positive and sweet readers – which is exactly what I want!

Kat Williams (rocknrollbride.com)

Treat your blog like a business. Because, spoiler alert: it absolutely can be. Mine certainly is. Kat’s been blogging full-time for years, so she does this magnificently. She’s methodical about her emails and other blog admin tasks, and as a result, she’s able to post fantastic content EVERY DAY (sometimes even more than that!). Depending on your life circumstances, it’s not always possible to pour time and energy into your blog – but Kat inspires me to approach mine more professionally and purposefully, in order to get back professional and purposeful results.

Write kickass, valuable sponsored posts. When I first started writing sponsored posts, I felt super gross about it. How could I possibly get paid to write about a company without coming across like a promotional sleazeball? But bloggers like Kat have set the gold standard for what a sponsored post ought to be: authentic, fun, and valuable to your readers. I don’t accept sponsored-post assignments unless I genuinely feel I can make them fun and interesting for both myself and my readers. Otherwise, the posts would just be an empty sales spiel, and nobody wants that.

Alexandra Franzen (alexandrafranzen.com)

Set clear, loving policies. My policies page quotes Alex’s, because she’s brilliant at this sort of thing. Boundaries are crucial, both personally and professionally. Having crystal-clear boundaries in place makes you appear more professional to potential clientele, plus it helps you weed out stressful bullshit and focus only on the projects that actually align with what you want to achieve. I feel like such a badass bosslady when I fire off an email that begins, “Like it says on my policies page…”

Underpromise and overdeliver. Alex says the secret to success is just being really, really, consistently good at what you do. There’s no point making outlandish promises about what you’re capable of; just get super great at blogging, and over time, the readers and sponsors will flock to you, even if your social media and SEO and all those extras aren’t especially on-point. Content is king, and good content – well-written, engaging, valuable content – will build you a devoted audience faster and better than anything else. So practice your writing and try not to stress too much about the other stuff.

You don’t “find” your voice, you create it. Your “voice” as a writer is something you should purposefully craft, not magically stumble upon. Alex taught me that shaping your writing style is a conscious, deliberate act. How do you want your reader to feel? What do you want them to experience or learn as they read your work? What do you want them to take away from your writing? Get clear about this stuff and you’ll find your “voice” gets clearer, too.

Lilly (dangerouslilly.com)

Never shut up. Lilly is notoriously critical of shady sex toy company practices, toxic materials, and awful toys. This conflicts with my earlier point about being a positive and loving blogger, but I think they’re two sides of the same coin: being a positive force in the world means radiating love most of the time but busting out the big guns when you encounter something worth destroying. Bloggers have the power to change the world, and that is not a responsibility we should take lightly. Fuck shit up, make change, punch up, and dismantle systems of oppression in any way you have access to.

Build community with other bloggers. To be fair, this is important to all my blogger babes, not just Lilly. But she vocally supports blogger solidarity, and adds so much value to my life in doing so. Creating community with fellow bloggers is fantastic not only for social reasons but also for professional ones: you can consult with each other about setting rates, dealing with difficult clients, crafting tricky posts, and any other blogging snafus you might encounter. Since befriending tons of other sex bloggers, my work not only makes me happier and more fulfilled but also brings in more money and feels like more of a professional pursuit.

Epiphora (heyepiphora.com)

Get paid first. At companies’ behest, I used to sometimes write and publish sponsored posts before receiving payment for them, with the understanding that I would get paid after publication. I see now how risky that was, and how much it signalled those companies’ lack of respect for me and my platform. “You should not have to do work you weren’t even paid for,” Piph told me. “No need to lift a damn finger until they put the money in your pocket. Fucking insist upon it.” She is always reminding me, through her words but mostly her actions, that our work is worth money and we do not have to put up with rude, unprofessional clients.

Never apologize. Okay, apologize if you fuck up. But never apologize just for being you in a way you’re worried might not be to others’ taste. I can’t count the number of times I’ve written/said/thought some form of, “I’m sorry if this post is really rambly,” or “I’m sorry this post is so personal and emotional,” or “I’m sorry I have so many feelings about frivolous femme shit.” Piph’s writing is unabashed and unapologetic, and I think that’s part of what draws people to her website in droves. As a blogger, your personality is your brand; it’s what your readers are there to read. Stop playing small, stop denying your greatness, stop papering over your glorious quirks and start showing them the fuck off. Your people will find you, but only if you’re being your real, whole, amazing self.

What lessons have you learned from bloggers you admire?

12 Days of Girly Juice: 5 Sex-Positive Superheroes

December 16, 2015December 23, 2015Kate Sloan

I’ve been avoiding writing this post, because… it feels weird to single out just five people who affected my life in the sex-positive realm this year. There are so many of you, and all of you affect me in different and important ways. The world is full of badass sex educators, brilliant sex bloggers, and magnificent sex mentors. It was so, so hard to choose just five!

That said, it also wasn’t hard, once I sat down to really think about it. These are the five people whose contributions to my sex-positive endeavors meant the most to me this year. I’d love to know who your sex heroes were in 2015!

Sophie Delancey

Sophie had a really tough year. She had a series of strokes early in 2015 that affected her mobility, eyesight, voice, sensation, and – yes – sexuality.

I haven’t known Sophie that long, but for the entire time I’ve known her, what I’ve admired most about her is her tenacity and how hard she works – all while managing to stay sweet and positive. She held onto those qualities even in the face of extreme adversity, and that is absolutely astonishing to me.

When I did the Miracle Worker course earlier this year, one of the exercises was to reflect on whose career makes you jealous, and why. Sophie was one of the names I wrote down (along with Piph – see below), because her work spans multiple mediums in sexuality and seems fascinating and fulfilling. She’s always busy and always hustlin’, and I admire the hell out of that.

Here’s sincerely hoping for a better 2016 for Sophie – she deserves it!

Samantha Fraser

Samantha is the brains, brawn and beauty behind the Playground Conference. If you were there and (like me) had a fantastic time socializing, learning, and laughing, you owe all of that to Samantha. She worked tirelessly to make the conference happen and has done so for the past five years – and it’s paid off, in the form of an event that everyone loves.

Along with Sophie, Samantha also runs Tell Me Something Good, a local sexy storytelling event (more on that in my next post, which is all about events!). Obviously, she is a master community-builder, and that is a remarkable and rare skill.

I recently started reading Samantha’s book on ethical non-monogamy, Not Your Mother’s Playground, and it’s made me reflect on how much I owe to the polyamorous role models in my life, Samantha included. I can’t imagine viewing poly life as a viable choice for myself without the influence of those people, telling and showing me it’s okay if monogamy doesn’t feel right for me. Samantha’s contributions to Toronto’s vibrant sex-positive community are huge and shouldn’t be underestimated!

Stoya

I don’t have a lot to say about this situation, because it pretty much speaks for itself. Stoya spoke out publicly about James Deen raping her, and this admission triggered an avalanche of similar revelations in the industry. She is singlehandedly responsible for toppling an insidious industry giant, and she should be revered for her bravery forever.

Epiphora

2015 was the year when Epiphora transformed from my far-away hero into my real-life friend – but, let’s face it: she’s still a hero of mine.

It was Piph’s blog that made me first want to start this one, way back in 2012. She widened my purview of what a blog could be, what sex toys could do, and what women are “allowed” to say about our own masturbation and sexuality. She’s one of my favorite writers in the whole world and certainly the funniest and most thorough sex toy reviewer on the entire internet.

Piph also deserves props for helping – by which I mean, forcing – me to move my blog from Tumblr to self-hosted WordPress this year. “Your blog is too good for Tumblr,” she said to me the very first night I met her, over mac and cheese and red wine. “You need to buy hosting. Like, now.” I had always been apprehensive about doing this because of my lack of back-end blog knowledge, but Piph saved the day: she got me a terrific deal on hosting, set everything up for me, and helped me with countless coding quandaries in the months to come. This blog would be nothing without her.

Piph is amazingly strong and outspoken, and she taught me a number of lessons along those lines in 2015: “Never apologize.” “Always get paid before you do the work.” “Believe in your vagina.” She’s like the cool, tech-savvy older sister I never had – who just happens to own more than 500 sex toys.

Bex

Welp. Let’s see if I can write this without crying…

I met Bex at the sex bloggers’ retreat she helped plan in Oregon this past June. Prior to that trip, she and I weren’t all that familiar with each other’s blogs – but as we got to know each other in Oregon and in the months that followed, it became abundantly clear that we are #SexBrainTwins. Seriously, I can’t even count the number of times that we’ve stumbled upon a similarity in our kinks, desires, or experiences, and shouted at each other, “TWINS!!” or “WE’RE THE SAME!!”

We get anxious about a lot of the same things, but we each have a nurturing, supportive streak that means we’re able to talk each other down in times of anxiety. I owe a lot of my sexual and romantic success this year to Bex, because whenever I wonder “Does [boy] really like me?!” or “Should I ask him out?!” or “Am I actually worthy of desire?!” my friend Bex is always there to remind me of my inherent value, and to calm my nerves.

We even had a threesome together with a cute boy we both like, and it wasn’t weird at all. Our relationship is platonic, but also not. “We have sex near each other, not with each other,” I remarked to her recently, while staying at her house, where I masturbated in front of her, spanked her, and told her what a babe she is, without any of that feeling strange.

Bex is one of the most organized, prepared, patient people I know. I never tire of talking about sex with her, but let’s be real: we could probably talk about anything and make each other giggle hysterically. She understands me and she also punderstands me. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful friend.

Thanks so much to all the sex-positive people I communed with in 2015, not just these five. I love you all and you add so much value and joy to my life on a daily basis. ♥

Review: Njoy Eleven

July 9, 2015October 4, 2024Kate Sloan

My job as a sex toy reviewer is essentially to answer the question, “Should you buy this toy?” and while that’s sometimes easy, it’s a challenge with the Njoy Eleven. It’s pretty damn expensive, usually retailing for $350-450 depending on where you get it. The bigger and firmer a toy is, the likelier it is to cause discomfort or pain when it encounters a body it’s incompatible with – and the Eleven is one of the biggest and firmest toys you can get your hands on, at 11″ by 2″ of solid stainless steel. In addition to all that, it’s also unwieldy, indiscreet, and not guaranteed to hit your G-spot.

When I told Piph I longed for an Eleven, she tried to talk me out of it. I’d read her review, so I knew she didn’t like it: she found it too heavy to thrust comfortably, and it didn’t hit her G-spot as well as she thought it would. “Trust my vagina on this,” she implored me. And while I do, generally, trust Piph’s vagina, I also trust my own – and it was telling me it wanted to be crammed full of stainless steel.

At DildoHoliday, I borrowed Piph’s Eleven from the communal bleach bowl and took it to my room. I paired it with a good clit vibe. I had an orgasm. And I fell in love. Heart-eyes-emoji, head-over-G-spot in love.

The object of my affections, I should explain, is the Eleven‘s larger end. The smaller, ridged side, at 1.75″ in diameter, is perfectly fine, but it lacks the pronounced curve and insistent girth that work magic on my G-spot. I use the smaller end as a warm-up, because my vagina may be experienced but it can’t handle two inches of steel right off the bat. So I work myself open using the smaller end, and it usually only takes a minute or two before I’m ready to turn the Eleven around and slide the bigger side into my vag.

Although steel is completely firm and unyielding, I often find it easier to insert large steel toys into my orifices, because they’re so frictionless. In fact, despite the Eleven’s enormity (and, you should know, it is fucking enormous), I almost never use lube with it. My natural lubrication is usually enough – but don’t try this at home, kids; I might just be a freak of nature. Lube is a good thing!

The large end of the Eleven locks in place behind my pubic bone and nuzzles right up into my G-spot. There’s really nowhere else it can go. It’s too big to be pushed in deep toward my cervix, and its flared head keeps it from sliding out of me before I’m ready to remove it. So it just stays exactly where I want it, and all I can really do is thrust it over my G-spot in small motions. Fortunately, that’s all the movement I need for the Eleven to feel fucking fantastic.

Piph and I disagree about which is better, the Eleven or the Pure Wand, and I know why. She likes direct, intense G-spot pressure, the kind best provided by toys with an extreme curve like the Pure Wand or Comet Wand. But as for me, I’ve learned that my G-spot prefers sweet, tender rubbing over aggressive pounding. I can appreciate the Pure Wand and other G-spot assailants of its ilk, but they serve up my pleasure with a side order of “need-to-pee” discomfort, and I’m not always down for that. So something that slides back and forth over my G-spot, rather than slamming into it or grinding against it, works better for my purposes.

And to that end, the bigger head of the Eleven feels divine for me. If I use it with a decent clit vibe, I can usually get off with the vibrator on the first or second setting, because the G-spot pleasure makes up for the lower level of clit stimulation. This combo has brought me to many a stellar blended orgasm. I love blended orgasms best because they leave me feeling incredibly sated and blissed out – and that’s particularly true of the Eleven, since its mighty girth is so satisfying for my muscles to clench around when I come.

Is this review even more graphic and detailed than mine usually are? That’s because the Eleven elicits feelings in my vagina that I can only describe as pornographic. I’m getting turned on just writing this review. Fuck, man. Get out of my head, you vexatious, tantalizing chunk o’ steel!!

The Eleven’s heaviness is one of the main issues some reviewers have with it. And that’s understandable. At 2.75 pounds, it is basically a dumbbell, fit for arm exercise regimens. I find I can get around this somewhat by bracing my arm against my thigh and angling my vag so my thrusts work with gravity instead of against it. (Horizontal thrusting with the Eleven is less tiring than vertical for me.) However, if you have any kind of mobility or strength issues in your arms, run far, far away from the Eleven. Something lighter but equally G-spotty, like the Seduction, will do you right.

Now, let’s talk price for a minute. I still maintain that you should try someone else’s Eleven before you buy your own, if that’s at all feasible for you. I wouldn’t want you to drop a ton of money on this thing and then find out that you hate it. But if you’re prepared to bite the bullet, here are some places where you can get an Eleven:

SheVibe ($400 USD)
Peepshow ($400 USD)

I can’t tell you whether or not you should buy an Eleven. All I can tell you is that I love mine, some people hate it, some love it, and you should certainly never pay full-price for one.

Beyond that, it’s up to you. Are your holes calling out for this massive rod of steel, like mine was? Or do you quake in fear of the Eleven’s size (and price tag)? The choice is yours, my friend…

I Made My Own Glass Dildo Because Life is a Magical Adventure

July 6, 2015June 27, 2022Kate Sloan

When the #DildoHoliday schedule arrived in my inbox, I opened it up and speed-read it as though it contained the meaning of life.

My eyes swept over the various planned workshops, roundtable discussions, and group meals, until they landed on these intriguing words: “Super secret surprise event. Trust us – you’re gonna love it!”

What the fuck could that mean?

The only piece of information we were given about this “secret surprise” was that we’d need to wear closed-toe shoes. I was utterly baffled. At one point I even Googled “activities that require closed-toe shoes,” because the curiosity was gnawing at me. The search results were unhelpful.

When we arrived at the beach house where #DildoHoliday took place, and the scheduled time of the Super Secret Surprise Event was creeping up, Piph and Bex told us to wear pants instead of flowy skirts. I asked if I should bring a jacket and they told me to skip it, because the temperature of our destination would be hot. It was a bit chilly outside, so once again, I was mystified. But I put on the clothes I’d been instructed to wear, and piled into Kate’s car with the others.

Piph told Kate where to drive, and the anticipation in the car was palpable. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been faced with a surprise that was actually a surprise; usually I figure these things out well before they happen. But in this case, I truly had no clue what we were in for. Kate asked Piph if we were going on a boat ride, which was also the only idea that had occurred to me, and Piph just laughed and said no.

And then we pulled up outside Jennifer Sears Glass Art Studio, and we started shrieking. Because it suddenly became obvious. We were going to MAKE OUR OWN GLASS DILDOS.

Needless to say, this was a much better surprise than a boat ride.

There were three glassworkers there to help us make the glass dildos of our dreams: Kelly, Kyla and Otto. (Is “glassworker” the correct term? I’m kind of more inclined to call them “glass wizards.”) This glass studio doesn’t normally make sexual paraphernalia – glass floats, bowls, and hearts are their usual wares, and there was nary a glass dildo or glass anal toy in sight! – but they’d agreed to set aside some time outside of business hours for us.

I was assigned to Otto, and at first I was nervous because I thought I’d feel uncomfortable describing my ideal dildo shape and size to a man, especially one I’d just met. But Otto was a total sweetheart and helped me through the whole process without making me feel one iota of discomfort.

Otto explained each step of the process as we went along. First I gathered up some molten hot, liquid glass on the end of a metal rod. I wore gloves, of course, so the hot pole (!) wouldn’t burn my hands.

Then, while continually rotating the rod to prevent dripping, I dipped the squishy ball of orange-hot glass into a couple piles of a powdery substance that would give the dildo its color. After much deliberation, I’d chosen two of my favorite shades: a deep royal blue and a gorgeous turquoisey-green. Otto did some masterful glass manipulation to get the colors to swirl together in my dildo.

After we’d applied the colors, we put an additional layer of clear glass on top – that way, the paint would be inside the dildo, instead of on the surface where it could potentially flake off during use.

Then came the really fun part: creating the shape of the toy. I had shown Otto some reference images of the Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble on my phone, because I wanted my dildo to have a similar S-shaped curve. He understood what I meant immediately, and I watched in amazement while he went to work on the melty blob of glass.

The glassmakers shaped our toys by spinning them against a thick square of folded wet newspaper. You’d think that the glass would just burn through the paper, since it’s incredibly hot at this point – but instead, the glass heats up the water in the wet paper, creating steam, which keeps the newspaper from burning while also protecting the glassmakers’ hands from the heat of the glass.

I asked Otto why he wasn’t wearing gloves like I was – it seemed dangerous! – and he told me he never wears them because they just get in his way. What a badass! I also asked him if he’s got super buff forearm muscles from spinning glass on rods all day every day (my arms got a bit sore just from the small amount of glass-spinning I did) and he told me he’s actually gotten muscle injuries from the strenuous work before. I believe it!

The dildo began to take shape. Otto would manipulate it with the wet newspaper and some metal tongs until it started to cool down, and then we’d stick it back into the burning-hot “glory hole” again until it heated up enough to be bent and formed some more.

After he initially made the S shape, he asked me what I thought, and I said, “Can you give it a little more curve?” He kept increasing the angle until it looked about right to me.

We could’ve slimmed it down, but I decided to keep it huge. I thought it’d be better to have a dildo I could “grow into” than one that might feel disappointingly small to me someday. I knew I was pushing the limits of vaginal superpowers when Piph eyed my dildo and commented on how big it is – after all, her vagina is a black hole, so she can judge a super-sized dildo better than most – but I told her, “I think I can handle it.”

Later, one of the other glassmakers walked by and saw my dildo. “That’s so big!” she said, and Otto replied, “She says she can handle it!”

When the dildo looked how I wanted it, it was time to separate it from the chunk of glass that kept it attached to the metal pipe. Otto gave me some tongs and I squeezed as hard as my scrawny arms would allow, while he turned the pole.

When I’d thinned off the end as much as I could, the glassmakers did some kind of blowtorch magic and my dildo popped right off the pipe into their waiting hands. They smoothed out the end with the blowtorch and then put all of our toys in a special machine that cools glass very gradually over many hours, so it doesn’t crack from the rapid change in temperature.

After waiting what felt like forever (but was actually less than 24 hours!), we went back to the glass studio to pick up our finished treasures. We took them home and passed them out like it was Christmas morning. I’ve never seen so much dildo-related smiling in my life!

It wasn’t long before I ran off to my room with my dildo and gave it a go. It is HUMONGOUS – the diameter of each end is 2 1/4″! – but with lots of warm-up and lube, I managed to get the slightly smaller, more tapered end into me. The G-spot stimulation was so intense it almost hurt, as was the riotous orgasm that quickly followed.

I nicknamed my dildo the “Seaside Steamroller,” because a) we made it in a seaside town, b) its colors evoke the ocean, and c) it’s fucking MASSIVE and will basically steamroll your vagina. Sex toy reviewer extraordinaire Epiphora gave it a shot, and here’s what she had to say about it:

Daunted but also inspired by Girly Juice’s triumph with her Seaside Steamroller, I set out to conquer it myself. I went for the tapered end first, which is really wide, so I turned it sideways to insert it. Thoughts of how much of a genius I am for that move were replaced immediately by delicious G-spot sensations. Holy shit. It was AWESOME. I thought I’d be annoyed by the weight, but the shape of the handle was so ergonomic it didn’t matter.

The other, even larger end was less amazing. I had to do lamaze breathing to get it in (which I haven’t had to do since Randy), and the handle was facing down and away from me. Not ideal.

I switched back to the tapered end and proceeded to squirt all over everything and right through the hilariously useless towel under me. As I came down from my orgasm, I thought, somehow, some magical way, Girly Juice has managed to craft a dildo that improves upon the njoy Eleven. Yes: the Seaside Steamroller is what the Eleven wishes it could be.

Our glass-making experience would not have been possible without the help of two of our #DildoHoliday sponsors, Tantus and We-Vibe. We had more fun making dildos than I would have thought possible, thanks to the generosity of these two fabulous and innovative companies.

Since coming home from Oregon, there have been moments when I’ve felt that #DildoHoliday couldn’t possibly have been real – like it was some souped-up fantasy or terrific dream. Because yeah, it is distinctly dreamlike to spend four days in a beach house far from your home with people you only knew from the internet, doing things like posing for naked pictures and masturbating side-by-side.

But then I hold my glass dildo and it’s like the spinning top from Inception: it reminds me that this stuff really happened, that this is my real life. And that’s an even better feeling than the G-spot pleasure my glass dildo gives me.