flirting

“Daydream Porn” – or, 8 Sentences I Always Wish Romantic Interests Would Say to Me

Kate Sloan
Not sure if I have any pictures of me actually being flirted with, but this gleeful face is close enough!

One of the main reasons I’m non-monogamous is that nothing gets me high like flirting. And I say that as someone who does actual drugs on a near-daily basis. 😂

It’s not that flirting can’t or doesn’t happen in long-term relationships – my spouse and I flirt with each other often, and they still make me blush and giggle a LOT even after being together for over four years.

But neurochemically, there is something unique about flirting with someone who hasn’t already declared that they like you enough to be in a relationship with you, or to marry you, or whatever. The phrase “thrill of the chase” comes to mind but I don’t usually think of myself as chasing folks I flirt with; it’s more of a dance. And for me, one of the most fun parts of the dance is the part where you’re pretty sure the person likes you but neither of you have really said as much yet, so there’s a constant frisson of excitement in the air when you’re around them.

Romantic fantasies have been one of my favorite mental dalliances for basically as long as I’ve been alive, and still to this day, they are a coping mechanism for me when I’m dealing with chronic pain, fatigue, demotivation, and other effects of the fibromyalgia and depression I live with. Even when I’m feeling like absolute shit, lying in bed surrounded by pillows, breathing deeply with my eyes closed to try to get through the waves of pain and malaise, I can still picture what it would be like if [x crush] said [x romantic thing] to me – the way they would say it, how their face would look, how I would react – and it reliably makes me feel at least a little bit better.

The following sentences are “daydream porn” for me in this way. Try imagining your biggest unrequited(-so-far) crush saying them to you, in an intimate corner booth of a bar, or at a picnic in the park, or on your living room couch, or wherever. If you start smiling from ear to ear just thinking about it, then maybe you can use these types of fantasies as coping mechanisms during tough times, like I can. (I suppose this post is also a guide for how to flirt with me, but, um… that was not meant to be its initial and primary mission!)

 

1. “You know that I’m flirting with you, right? Okay, good.”

A few different people have said some version of this to me and it always fills me with glee. I know it can be controversial to talk about flirting in a “meta” way like this, because (for some people) much of the magic of flirting is its uncertainty, its delicate balance of “will they/won’t they?” But since I’m a nervous insecure socially anxious weirdo who spends at least some brainpower during every interaction wondering if the person I’m talking to actually even likes me, it can be incredibly validating to hear from someone’s own mouth that they are indeed flirting with me – that I’m not imagining it, that it isn’t the result of wishful thinking on my part but is actually real.

One time I played some songs at an event, one of which was my song “Addressee,” in which I confess that I often have a hard time interpreting flirtation as flirtation. The boy I was into at the time came up to me after my set, complimented my music, and said, “Just so we’re clear: I am always flirting with you.” It helped me feel safe enough in that dynamic to continue to flirt with him as hard as I had been, and even harder. *chef’s kiss*

 

2. “I am having a lot of fun flirting with you.”

Along similar lines, this one is lovely because it simultaneously acknowledges that flirting is happening, and affirms that the person is enjoying themselves. (Shout-out to Reid Mihalko, who I think was the first person to introduce me to the idea that meta-communication about flirting while it’s happening can be wildly hot and fun, and also helps clarify consent/comfort or a lack thereof.)

I especially like when this line is thrown out casually as the precursor to something else, so that it feels like a simple descriptor of what is going on, rather than a momentous confession (although, as the below examples will point out, I also find momentous confessions hot; they’re just not always the most socially appropriate thing). Like, for example, sometimes I’ve been talking to someone cute at a party and they’ll say, “Well, I’m having a lot of fun flirting with you, but I need to circulate and say hi to my friends. Can we pick this back up again later?” My cheeks are getting pink just thinking about it!!

 

3. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”

Throw me into a lake; I need to cool off, because this one is HOTTTT.

When I was actively dating, I always felt like this sentence was the early-dates equivalent of an initial “I love you.” It gave me the same level of “🥰 OMG 🥰” feelings every time a new person said it to me. I think this is partly because I am chronically obsessive when I have a crush on someone, always thinking about them a lot (sometimes more than I would like to!), so it felt wonderfully validating to know that I wasn’t the only one in that boat.

This one is also low-key sexy because there is usually an implication that some of those thoughts have been sexual. I often find myself responding “Oh yeah, like what kinds of thoughts?” before I even realize what I’m saying, because I get so curious. It’s a fantastic opener for a saucy convo about all the sex things you want to do to each other, but it can also be chastely romantic, a confession that the person’s feelings for you have become more than just a momentary interest.

 

4. “I am extremely attracted to you.”

It still baffles me a little whenever people are attracted to me so I guess I just like to hear it in explicit terms so I can be sure I’m not misinterpreting. It’s not necessary because it is often implied by other things they do or say – I mean, if someone kisses me passionately, or bites their lip when they first see me in the dress I wore to our date, then it’s safe to say they are attracted to me – but it’s still nice to get a clear confirmation one way or the other.

This is a little hard to talk about without sounding unfeminist or shallow or something, but I also find that “I’m attracted to you” can land better for me at times than “You’re so smart” or “You’re so funny,” etc., because if I feel like someone’s attraction to me is predicated entirely on me being smart or funny, then I can start to doubt myself a lot if I ever have a weird brain day around them where I’m not able to be as smart or as funny as I normally would be – like, are they gonna lose their boner for me because I didn’t pick up on their obscure pun before I’d had my coffee?! Obviously it’s still lovely to be complimented on my smarts or humor, but when someone admits that they are holistically attracted to me, it makes it a little easier for me to relax into the knowledge that they’ll continue to like me no matter what I do (within reason).

 

5. “I think you are hilarious and gorgeous and I was wondering if I could take you out sometime.”

As far as I’m concerned, this is the perfect date-ask. I’m not saying no other way of asking me out would get a “yes,” or that no other way would make me feel good. But I do think this is the basic formula of how I’d always like to be asked out.

Complimenting someone in a date-ask is always a good idea, especially if you can compliment them on specific things that 1) you value in them and 2) they value (or ought to value) in themselves. My insecure brain is prone to being like, “Okay, yes, they asked me out, but do they find me ATTRACTIVE?? Do they actually even LIKE ME??” so pre-emptive compliments help me relax and actually believe them. (I have been asked out as a joke before, more than once. It is not fun.)

I like “take you out” because it’s the sort of phrasing most people wouldn’t tend to use unless they were talking about a date. But using the word “date” is also wonderful because it’s clear. I used to literally just sit in my childhood bed picturing different people asking me if they could take me out on a date. Free dopamine. A+.

 

6. “I can’t stop thinking about how much I’d like to kiss you.”

Truly glad y’all can’t see me right now because writing this post is making me feel so blushy and romantic that I’m actually getting a little dizzy and light-headed!! Anyway, this is the best way to ask someone if you can kiss them, IMO.

I originally picked this up from Dan Savage, who says that “I really wanna kiss you right now” (or touch you, or fuck you, or whatever) is the best non-pushy way to 1) communicate your desire and 2) leave the other person an opportunity to either say yes or redirect the conversation. I like the addition of “I can’t stop thinking about” because it conveys enthusiasm, which (as you may have noticed) is a recurring theme in what I find romantically exciting.

Often, by the time someone says this, they will have already made it pretty clear in their body language – maybe moving closer to you, maybe staring intermittently at your lips throughout the conversation, or biting or licking their own – but it’s still nice to hear it. And if someone signals to me, even in an indirect way like this, that they care about consent and would never make a move without it, that’s super hot and makes me feel much safer around them.

 

7. “I’m finding myself really wanting to touch you right now. How would you feel about that?”

Replace “touch you” with whatever. I have had doms bring up spanking me in this way; I’ve had vanilla cuties bring up holding hands in this way; it’s just a sweet way of getting permission to break the touch barrier.

I understand that some people find it hot when touch is infused with such urgency and passion that the person doesn’t even ask before kissing you, touching you, etc. but I think that approach requires a high degree of competency with noticing nonverbal cues, “reading the room,” etc. and not everyone has that. I also just personally find a “slow burn” hotter. If someone asks if they can touch me, I’m going to take a moment to ponder their question, likely while picturing what their touch will feel like and what it might lead to. And that’s ultimately going to turn me on far more than if they just grabbed me. But that’s me, baby – talk to your person/people if you want to know how they feel about all this.

 

8. “I really hope I get to see you again soon.”

All of these, I’m realizing, are really just different ways of saying “I’m very into you and I want you to know that!” What can I say, I know what I like.

I know there is a lot of emphasis on “chill” in the dating world, and certainly, it has its place. You don’t want to burn too hot when the other person is behaving more coldly or ambivalently. But considering how much I fret after a date about whether I was cute enough or witty enough or fun enough, it absolutely makes my day when someone reaches out to say they enjoyed themselves and want to do it again sometime soon.

A slightly more proactive way of saying this – and one that conveys even more interest – would be to add something like, “Are you free next Friday night for [drinks/dinner/a comedy show/whatever]?” but that’s not always the right move, depending on the situation. Like, I wouldn’t necessarily want someone to immediately ask me out on a second date when we’ve barely finished our first one, because I usually like to take some time to process after a first date and figure out how I felt about it before I decide what I want to happen next. But getting that text a day or two after a first date, if we had been chatting via text in the interim, would work excellently for me, and makes me blushy to think about.

 

What sentences feature prominently in your romantic fantasies?

How the Vacation Mindset Can Make You a Better Flirt

Kate Sloan

When you’re stuck at home, like so many of us are right now, it’s hard not to start planning what you’d like to do when you’re allowed to go out again. Or, more accurately, when you’re allowed to go back out into a world that has regained some modicum of normalcy.

Along these lines, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a book I read and reviewed a while ago, The Offline Dating Method by Camille Virginia. The book presents tips and techniques for striking up a conversation with a hot stranger in public, and then parlaying that conversation into a date or even a relationship. While the book seemed fun and frivolous (in a good way) to me when I read it, it seems even moreso now, when an in-person meet-cute seems as remote and perilous a possibility as a hookup on a mountaintop. But it’s a nice notion to ponder, when daydreaming optimistically about what will happen when public life reopens for business.

One of the many concepts I’ve retained from Camille’s book is her idea of the “vacation mindset” – the state of mind you get into when you’re visiting an unfamiliar place. Camille argues that being a fish out of water can help you shake off your stale old self-image and slip into something a little sexier, flirtier, flashier. It’s the reason I’ll often chat up bartenders in cities I’m unlikely to visit again, despite almost never doing that at home; it’s the reason I’ll smile at strangers on the street in Portland or Montreal but rarely Toronto; it’s even the reason I looked into Los Angeles escorts when I visited Burbank earlier this year. (Unfortunately, constraints on time and money ruled out that last one!) Being in a new place makes it easy to imagine being a new person – and even to move toward becoming that person.

See, if you feel trapped in an identity that is shy, reserved, and afraid, it’s easier to move away from those traits when no one around you actually knows what kind of person you are in your “regular life.” This was an exciting notion to me when I entered high school, for example, because I fully intended to cast off my long-outgrown plainness and step into a more fulfilling self-image – and I did! But the thing is, you don’t actually have to enter a new context in order to access this effect. You can trick yourself into embodying the vacation mindset without ever leaving your city.

I find this easiest to do in neighborhoods I don’t often visit, because – like when I’m on vacation – I have the sense that I’m unlikely to see the people around me very often, or ever again, in the future. You could strike up a convo with a barista at a café across town from you, for instance, or get to know the person sitting next to you at a comedy club you’ve never been to before. This helps create a sense of “having nothing to lose” which I find very freeing in social interactions. You can still fuck up this type of encounter, obviously, but if you do, you can just apologize and then disappear forever from the life of the person you’ve weirded out, like a socially awkward Macavity.

These types of seemingly low-stakes interactions can be good practice for higher-stakes ones. You’re building up your confidence, sure, but you’re also building up your mental picture of the type of person you want to become. Even if you feel like a nebbish nobody for most of the week, feeling like a fabulous flirt for even one night can give you a foothold into that mindset – and maybe one day you’ll be that charismatic charmer all the time!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Roleplay and Rapport at the Library Bar

Kate Sloan

Maybe I shouldn’t have arrived so early. Why do I always do this? I glance over my shoulder at the door again. Maybe he’ll show up in five minutes. Maybe he’ll show up now.

I always get nervous before interviews, even though I’ve been doing the whole professional-sex-journalist thing for going-on-7 years now. It’s just stagefright, harmless jitters, but it happens like clockwork. It’s why I rolled up to the Library Bar 10 minutes early. It’s why I keep sneaking peeks at the door.

Is that him? He’s wearing a dark button-down shirt. He’s looking my way. He’s smiling and waving. (He is my partner.) He’s coming over to sit next to me. (He is my partner.) He’s shaking my hand and saying, “Hi, I’m Matt.” (I know who he is. He is my partner.)

Let me back up for a second. Months ago, when discussing potential roleplay scenarios, my boyfriend and I struck upon the idea of a journalist/source roleplay. I am a journalist, after all, and he is a semi-frequent media interviewee, being a tech fancyboy in New York, so we’re already comfortable in these roles.

Initially we envisioned it as a scene of strategic outsmarting, psychological manipulation, me trying to get info out of him for an investigative exposé and him trying to keep me at arm’s length. But the more we thought about it and discussed it, the more we wanted it to be a different type of scene entirely. We still wanted to play ourselves – me, a reporter; him, a tech CEO – but our focus shifted more toward the flirtation and chemistry that could naturally develop during an interview.

Storytelling dynamo Claire AH has talked often about how roleplay – which she calls “sexy improv” – can be an opportunity to explore ways you and your partner didn’t meet, but could’ve. She sometimes envisions, for example, having met her musician husband by being a groupie of his band, rather than on OkCupid. I love this idea, and how it allows you to re-access a state of charged unfamiliarity with your partner, flirting in double entendres and meaningful glances in ways you can’t do as readily when you’ve been dating for months or years.

Having defined our goals for the scene, BF and I started emailing back and forth, the way we would if we were actually setting up an interview with a stranger. My character needed to speak to an app developer for a story – and his character, it so happened, would be in Toronto for a “conference” soon. We settled on a day, time, and location. I started prepping my questions. It all began feeling very real.

Back to the Library Bar. “Hi, I’m Matt,” this ridiculously handsome man says, grabbing my hand in a firm, CEO-appropriate handshake. “I’m Kate,” I reply. “Nice to finally meet you!”

He sits down next to me at the bar. (Was the bar the right spot to choose? Is it more professional to sit opposite a source, at a table?) He asks me what I’m drinking. (A Bulleit bourbon on the rocks. One of my fave orders when I’m trying to impress a dude who probably knows more than me about such things.) He orders an old fashioned. We small-talk about how he’s enjoying Toronto, what he’s been up to, what he thinks of his hotel.

Then he asks me what my piece is about, and I brighten. “So… It’s for Playboy. Ever heard of it?”

He laughs. “I only read it for the articles.”

“Well, great, ’cause I’m writing one of those articles! It’s about how I think nerds are better in bed.” I watch his eyes widen. We didn’t discuss this in our pre-interview emails. Sometimes I prefer to take sources by surprise. “I spoke to a web dev; I spoke to a game dev; I needed to speak to an app dev. So, thanks for agreeing to talk to me!” He is immediately on board, engaged and listening hard. I flip open my notebook to my list of questions. I begin.

“Do you think nerds are, on average, better in bed?” “Which subsets of the tech community do you think would be especially sexually skilled?” “What sexual acts do you think programmers would tend to be good at?”

His answers are measured, thoughtful, yet enthusiastic and off-the-cuff. He posits theories, tells stories from his own life, and cites thinkers he admires, like Michael Lopp and Evie Lupine. His blue eyes flash with intelligence and wit. Occasionally, when I ask him something, he gives me this pure-of-heart little smirk and says, “Good question!” I wonder if he can see how much it melts me when he compliments my competence, even though I’m a grown-ass journalist who knows her shit and knows her worth.

The thing about being a sex writer is, there will be opportunities for interviews to get flirty. In 99% of cases, I neither want this outcome nor think it’s smart to pursue it; it’s unprofessional, usually unwanted (by one or both parties), skews the story, and can get messy.

But this app mogul on the barstool next to me is… very cute. And he has been essentially selling himself to me as a promising hookup for the past hour. And he keeps reaching out to gently shove my shoulder to make a point, or holding my gaze a little too long while describing skilful fingerbanging. At one point he loses his train of thought mid-sentence and says, “Sorry, that dress is just… really good.” It’s a new one, vintage Betsey Johnson. “It’s kind of a ‘professional reporter lady’ dress,” I say, blushing, and he shoots back, “More like a ‘turning on a source’ dress. Wow.” I laugh and hide my warm face behind one shy hand.

I’ve asked all my questions, taken all my notes, and closed my notebook. “Want to get another drink, now that you’re off the clock?” he offers, so easily, and we order two more cocktails from the busy bartender. Flipping the script, this articulate interviewee asks me about my work – what I like about it, what I don’t – and I mention, in passing, that it can get complicated when a source wants to fuck me and I’m not into it. Or when I want to fuck a source, but my editor isn’t into it. “So is this the type of assignment where you might sleep with a source, or no?” he asks innocently, and I practically choke on my drink.

As the alcohol plies us further, we get to talking about FetLife: neither of us use it much, and he knows some nerds who are trying to build a better alternative. “What’s on your fetishes list?” he wonders, and I wrack my brain for the answer least likely to freak out this near-stranger. “Uhh, spanking?” I try, and he bites his lip like a sadistic Cheshire cat. “I actually have some impact implements up in my hotel room,” he mentions, so casually, and that room is now the only place I want to be.

He offers me a sip of his martini. “Ooh, that’s a daddy drink,” I say when I try it. “What does that mean?!” he asks with a quizzical smile. “Oh, you know, like something a daddy would drink.” I hide behind my glass when he intuits effortlessly, “Oh, so you’re into DD/lg, then.”

He’s getting closer and closer to me, as we’re getting tipsier and flirtier and farther off the path of our initial conversation. He’s got his arm draped over the back of my chair, and is gazing into my eyes like nobody else in this crowded bar exists. I lose my words, lose my breath. “Kiss me,” he says, out of nowhere, and I do, because I need to.

At some point we decide that yes, I will go up to his room with him – and I will disclose this key information to my editor when I file the story. We settle up and amble to the elevator. Inside, he pushes me against a wall and kisses me, like he’s wanted to do that ever since he first saw me from across the bar.

If you’re interested in trying a roleplay like this – in person, out in public, pretending not to know each other – here are some tips I took away from our first attempt that I think might be useful to you too:

• Define your intentions. As with any kink endeavor, it’s good to make sure you and your partner are hoping to get something similar out of the scene, or at least that your hopes for the scene are compatible. My partner and I are both into flirting, and knowing that that was the primary intention of our roleplay allowed us to focus on that aspect fully and enjoy it even more.

• Set the stage. Whatever the scenario you choose for your roleplay – meeting someone new at a bar; striking up a convo with the stranger beside you at the theatre; going on a first Tinder date – prepare for that situation however you normally would. It’ll help get you into the appropriate headspace. For this roleplay, for example, my partner and I exchanged businessy emails weeks beforehand, and I prepped and researched just as I would for an actual interview.

• Dress the part. Clothes and other self-presentation details can help you get into character, even if your “character” is just an alternate-universe version of yourself. This can be especially helpful if you and your partner hang out earlier in the day and then go do a roleplay; my partner changed his shirt before our interview, for example, and it was a small thing that nonetheless made him feel like a slightly different person to me. You can also change stuff like your perfume, jewelry, and hairstyle, to set your character apart from your regular self.

• Do something, dammit. Decide on a concrete task or interaction that the roleplay will center around; don’t just show up at the location and stand around awkwardly. Our roleplay hinged on an interview, and I did an actual interview, because I knew it would make me less nervous and would lend some purpose and direction to the scene. Even if your roleplay is pretty straightforward, like a chance meeting with a cute stranger at a bar, have some idea of what you want to do: bring a book to read, or have a specific drink you want to try, or a specific occasion your character is celebrating, or something.

• Commit to the scene. The #1 question I got from my Twitter followers about this roleplay was essentially, “How do you stay in character?” and the answer is… just decide to stay in character. As with dirty talk – not to mention improv, which roleplay essentially is! – you will actually seem (and feel) sillier if you half-ass it. Hopefully your partner is someone you trust not to laugh at you for wholeheartedly throwing yourself into the scene – because if that’s all they want to do, why do the roleplay at all?!

• Making mistakes is okay. A few times during our roleplay, my partner and I accidentally referenced some of our real-life inside jokes, or responded to things how we ourselves – but not our “characters” – would respond. Slip-ups are bound to happen, especially if you’re not accustomed to this type of improvisation. That’s fine. There is nothing wrong with laughing for a moment at the mistake you’ve made and then moving on with the scene. The entire narrative doesn’t have to fall apart just because you screwed up for a second.

• Debrief and discuss afterward. You should do this when you try any new kink activity. Talk about what went wrong, what went right, what you want more of in the future, and what you want less of. Talk about what was hot, what felt weird, what surprised you. My partner and I have already figured out some other roleplay scenarios we want to try in public, having learned more about our desires and fantasies from this first one. This experience has opened up a whole new avenue of play for us, and we can only continue further down this path because we’ve thoroughly compared notes about this first scene.

Have you ever done a roleplay like this before? Would you like to?

The 5 Essential Elements of a Good DM Slide

Kate Sloan

Ah, the delicate and controversial DM-slide! I remember nodding vigorously when I read Priscilla Pine’s essay “What Comes After Tinder?” and got to the part about Twitter. “Most of the friends I polled who were active Twitter users mentioned it as the app where they had had the most success meeting potential partners, and I know at least one person who eschews dating apps entirely because her DMs have been so fruitful,” Pine wrote (emphasis mine). “In a way, that makes sense: Twitter mimics traditional social interaction in that you can find new people via friends and observe their personalities and senses of humor over time before feeling compelled to proposition them for a date.”

It was a succinct statement of something I already knew to be true: that Twitter was the social platform likeliest to introduce me to new crushes and fan the flames of those feelings, and that Twitter was probably the platform on which I’d be most open to a stranger asking me on a date. Not proportionally, you understand – of 100 people who express interest in me on OkCupid or Tinder, I probably go out with 5 of them, whereas the same calculation on Twitter would be more like 1 out of 300 – but if I develop a Twitter crush, I’m way more motivated to turn our flirtations into an IRL date, if possible, than I am with online-dating randos. I’m already more-or-less sold on them, from consuming their brain in 280-character chunks.

Having met three romantic partners (this guy, this guy, and this guy) and three casual sexual partners (this guy, this guy, and this guy) via Twitter, I’m pretty clear on what I like and what I don’t like, vis-à-vis people sliding into my DMs. Here are 5 elements your next DM convo with a stranger should definitely possess…

Previous rapport. Like Bex says in our Dildorks episode about social media flirting, DMing someone you’ve never actually interacted with before (aside from, maybe, faving their tweets) is like going up to a stranger at a party, tugging them into a closet, and declaring, “I have to talk to you.” They’re probably gonna be freaked out and wonder what the fuck you’re up to.

Establish rapport by adding value to your Twitter crush’s life. Most of my successful DM suitors replied to my tweets with funny jokes, helpful suggestions (when requested), and supportive cheerleading – as relevant – before they dared take things to the next level by DMing me. This is important. When your name and face show up in my inbox, I should recognize them and ideally have a positive association with them from our previous interactions. Hint: if your crush has never faved, replied to, or otherwise acknowledged your public communiqué, they’re probably not interested – or you just need to build rapport for longer before you ramp things up.

A specific reason to message them. Bex recommends following up on a previous conversation the two of you had publicly – e.g. if you and your crush recently commiserated about something sad that happened on your mutual favorite TV show, you could DM them a link to a great article about the show a few days later and say, “Thought you’d like this!” Or you could DM them a link to a local event you think they’d enjoy attending, a thought you had about their latest blog post/podcast/tweet that seems too specific to say in a public tweet, or a thank-you for something they helped you with or introduced you to.

The first time my Sir DMed me, he was following up on a compliment I’d tweeted at him earlier in the day. “Hey Kate! Thanks for that compliment earlier, it made me blush,” he said. “You’re very cute yourself!” This is simple but it worked well because it gave me the opportunity to talk to him more if I wanted to (which I did) or to just say “Thanks!” and move on if I wasn’t interested. Similarly, my first DM from an erstwhile FWB was a response to me tweeting about being sad about the sexual dry spell I was going through at that time: “Sounds like we have similarly sparse dance cards lately,” he said. “Toronto’s been great for work, but surprisingly boring socially.” You’ll notice that this wasn’t a direct date-ask – he left me space to suggest we get together, if I wanted to, which I did – but was nonetheless relevant to our earlier public conversation.

Sometimes your specific reason for messaging them might just be wanting to ask them out. That’s okay, if done well. See “a statement of intent,” below.

An introduction. You might not need to front-load this into your first message if you think your crush is already aware of you and what you do, but it’s nice. Even something as simple as “Hi, I’m [name]! Long-time follower, first-time DMer” could be enough. Introducing yourself is respectful and polite. You probably wouldn’t go up to a stranger at a party and launch into a monologue without at least saying hello and telling them your name, so try the same thing in your Twitter approach.

My Sir did this in his second message to me. “I’m [name], a New York-based [job title]/sex nerd,” he wrote. “Recently found your work and your tweets and it’s all great stuff.” It was a concise statement of who he is, what he does, and why he followed me. Along with his respectful approach, it told me everything I needed to know in order to decide whether I wanted to get to know him better (I did).

A statement of intent. You probably don’t wanna put this in your very first message, because asking someone on a date (or whatever) before establishing rapport is risky, scary, and less likely to work. But if you do decide to ask your Twitter crush to meet up with you, you should give them some sense of what you’re actually asking. Don’t couch your romantic or sexual intentions in a vague request to “pick their brain over coffee” or “talk about [their work].” (And hey, if your intentions are strictly professional, or even casual or platonic, you should find a way to mention that, too. Less confusion = better results for everyone.)

You can straight-up tell them you’d like to take them on a date. You can tell them you’d love to get to know them better over coffee/drinks. You can suggest a specific activity you know the both of you enjoy (e.g. going to a comedy show), ideally one that’s culturally coded as date-y. You can disclose the nature of your feelings about them so they can infer you’re asking them on a date (e.g. “I think you’re really cute and cool and I’d love to take you out sometime” or “I’ve been crushing on you from afar for a while and would love to hang out in person if you’re into that”). My Sir said, “If you’re ever in New York and want to meet a Twitter admirer in person over coffee or something, I’d love that,” which is perfect because it expresses enthusiasm, indicates a specific activity, and gives me an easy out. So many good ways to ask cuties on dates!

Some fucking respect. Twitter isn’t a magical universe where you get to treat people like garbage. Those are real humans in there, so be good to them! Be polite, take “no” for an answer, and be appropriately apologetic if you fuck up.

Make sure you keep in mind, too, that someone ignoring your DM or declining your advances might not have much to do with you. They might be busy, or stressed, or going through a complicated situation of some kind. Don’t take this shit personally, if you can help it. You’re great, and there are always more Twitter crushes in the sea!

Have you ever asked someone out – or been asked out – via Twitter DM? How did it go?

Links & Hijinks: Flirting, Crying, and David S. Pumpkins

Kate Sloan

• Ask Polly has some advice on what to do if you want to date men but also you hate men. “Dating, like all arbitrary, tedious, pointless social exercises, requires a higher level of Zen. Surrender to the excruciating nothingness of the task at hand, and try to enjoy it. Yes, most men are shit. But you are not taking an exhaustive survey of most men. You are looking for one good, kind, exceptional man. They exist.”

• These tools for recovering from sexual trauma are neat as hell!

• Not exactly relevant to my blog, but oh well: I enjoyed reading this oral history of the David S. Pumpkins SNL sketch. It made me think about how we’re drawn to silly, meaningless entertainment in times of sociopolitical turmoil, and also about how fucking great Tom Hanks is.

• You can use the teachings of Aristotle to get someone to go on a date with you. Hmm!

• Luna told the story of moving her massive sex toy collection when she moved houses. “The thought of a box of fantasy toys tipping over and disgorging its colorful contents in the back of my dad’s SUV is the stuff of nightmares.”

• Girl on the Net wrote about crying after sex and it was so beautiful and relatable that I cried, too.

• What does it mean to be a “kink lifestyler” and how do you know if you are one?

• Here are a bunch of stories about dicks getting stuck in things.

• What can you do when your social media addiction is curbing your creativity? This article is chicken soup for the creative soul, truly. “Sometimes the most skilled, unique, emotional writers are the ones who struggle with feelings of inadequacy the most,” Heather writes. “Refuse to imagine what will impress other people. Seduce them into loving exactly what you have to give instead. Savor your craft and enjoy yourself.”

• Here’s how to prepare your bed for sexy guests.

• Sammi’s Satisfyer review includes a cool sex toy hack that will be of particular interest to transmasculine folks. Gotta love the ingenuity of sex nerds!

• I shrieked with laughter watching this video of Jeff Goldblum reacting to tattoos of himself.

• Would hiring a sex worker help predatory men (e.g. Weinstein, Spacey, CK) work through their fantasies? Experts weighed in. And then Alana Massey weighed in. Lots to think about here.

• Miles Klee makes a case for period sex. I think I’ve reached a point where I can no longer date folks who are squeamish about the crimson wave…

• I’ve been fascinated by fear play lately so I loved Taylor’s post about why they love it.

• I loved reading about this vibrator that tracks your orgasm statistics. Sex nerdiness, activate! (Also, why don’t I own this toy?!)

• Where does the slang term “fap” come from?

• If you’re a dude who flirts with women, or would like to flirt with women, read this guide, please. It’s very good.