friendship

How to Date When You Have Anxiety

Kate Sloan

“You should write a blog post about how to date when you’re an anxious person!” my friend said excitedly, as we gossiped about boys (and mental health struggles) over lattes and cupcakes.

“HAAHAHAHAHAhahahaha,” I replied. “I have no idea how to deal with my anxiety while dating. I barely even manage it myself. How can I tell other people how to do it?”

The more that I thought about this exchange, though, the more I wondered if I could actually be more helpful than I’d realized. I don’t think you have to be an expert in order to help someone. The experiences you’ve had, and the lessons you’ve learned, can be of use to others even if you’re still in the midst of your own journey.

So, with that in mind, here are some things I’ve learned about navigating the dating world when your brain’s fear-meter is a little out of whack. I hope this helps you, at least a little.

1. Enlist socially competent friends.

It feels a little “high school” to constantly text friends whenever anything happens with your crush, I know. But if you’re lucky enough, as I am, to have friends who appreciate (or at least tolerate) this behavior instead of blocking your number, I think you should let those friends support you and help you.

Here are some examples of ways my more socially skilled friends have saved my ass when anxiety was clouding my brain:

• I texted my pal E., “[Boy] said he might want to see a movie with me today, but now I feel like it would be too forward for me to text him and ask him about it!” E. reminded me, “[Boy] said he wanted to see a movie with you, so it’s not forward,” and then suggested a possible wording for the text I could send. What an angel.

• I spoke to a number of friends about the situation with a boy I liked, and several of them said, “Go for it!” I wasn’t really sure what this meant, precisely. I asked my friend E. what he meant when he said “Go for it” and he said, “Tell him you like him, or ask him out.” Ahhh, okay, I thought. The specificity helped.

• While chatting with my friend A., I listed a bunch of things that [Boy] had said and done the last time we hung out, all of which I thought were ambiguous and could have been flirty or just friendly; I really didn’t know. When I finished, A. laughed for a good minute and said, very sarcastically, “Yeah, he’s totally just into you as a friend.” Her third-party viewpoint helped me see what my anxiety had been hiding from me.

• Soon before my last break-up, I realized I didn’t actually know how to break up with someone. People kept telling me, “Just get it over with!” and “Be respectful but firm!” but I was missing basic information like where to do it and what to actually say. My pal A. helped me rehearse a little script and weighed the pros and cons of various break-up locations with me. We even discussed what to wear to a break-up, because that’s the kind of thing I worry about.

See? Friends can be sooooo helpful when your brain is being your worst enemy.

2. Journal about it.

Where would I be without journaling? Maybe dead. Definitely sad and confused.

I find journaling absolutely essential as an anxious person because it helps me process all my zillions of thoughts. I can go on a 5-page-long ramble about all the worries and insecurities I have around a particular situation, and by the end of it, a) those thoughts no longer occupy my brain quite so firmly, and b) I can see very clearly just how ridiculous those thoughts are. Journaling gives me some distance, some objectivity.

I can also tell you from firsthand experience that it is hilarious to re-read your old journal entries from the nervous beginnings of relationships. “You silly twit,” you’ll shout at your past self, “of COURSE he meant he liked you when he said ‘I like you’!!”

3. It’s okay to be honest.

Sometimes when I start dating someone, or even when dating seems possibly imminent, I’ll bust out a little speech. It goes something like this:

“Hey, so, just so you know, I have anxiety. That means that sometimes I’ll get really nervous around you and act weird. It doesn’t mean I feel uncomfortable or unsafe with you; it’s just how my brain works. I also might need a little extra reassurance and validation from you sometimes, because my anxiety is always telling me that people don’t like me and that I’m worthless. So if you could try to assure me once in a while that you actually do like me, that would be really helpful. I’ll try not to be too weird.”

People tend to respond favorably to this kind of honesty, actually. Some people even find it adorable. (That’s a whole other can of worms – my mental health issue is not cute, okay?! – but it’s certainly better than them shaming me for my anxiety or dumping me because of it.)

4. Find your self-care practices and use them.

Here are some things I like to do when I’m getting ready to go on a date or to spend time with someone I like:

• Spend ages choosing the ideal outfit, doing my makeup and hair, and making sure I look adorable. (Some would call this obsessive, maybe, but it helps me calm down.)

• Make sure I know, with 100% certainty, where we are going, how much it’s going to cost, what time I have to leave my house in order to get there on time, and any other relevant information. (I eliminate all possible stressors. This is an act of self-love and self-protection.)

• Play Scrabble on my phone while traveling to the destination. (It calms my brain somewhat, by giving me something to focus on besides my stomach-curdling fear. Podcasts and music also help.)

• Breathe deeply and slowly. (“Fear is just excitement without breath,” after all.)

Whatever your own self-care and self-calming practices are, make sure you actually remember to do them when you need to. It might be helpful to write them on a card and keep them in your wallet, or set them as your phone background, or whatever. Keep ’em close and do ’em often.

5. Assess the situation objectively.

As objectively as you can, anyway. I know it’s difficult.

If you find yourself thinking an anxious thought – for example, “He doesn’t like me anymore!” – look for evidence of that thought. Odds are, there won’t be as much as you thought (or any).

Then look for evidence of the opposite thought (e.g. “He likes me a lot!”). There will probably be some.

Breathe. It’s okay. Your fear is inside your own head and nowhere else. You don’t have to listen to it. It doesn’t reflect reality.

Anxious folks: how do YOU navigate the dating world without vomiting on your suitors’ shoes?

I Masturbated With My Best Friends and It Made Me Smile

Kate Sloan

My two closest lady-friends are two of the most sex-positive people I know. One of them is poly and does feminist porn; the other was raised in a kink-positive lesbian household and comes with me to Pride every single year. Obviously, I have good taste in friends.

Not too long ago, we were having a “girls’ night in,” as we often do, but things were just getting… raunchier than usual. Maybe it was the wine and rum we were downing, or maybe it was just one of those hot summer nights that makes you want to be sleazily open-minded. Either way, it was a rather sexier evening than I was used to spending with these ladies.

First we were chatting about porn; next we had taken off our clothes; shortly after that, we started photographing each other’s naughty bits on my instant camera; and sometime after that, it was suggested that we masturbate side-by-side.

The only folks who’d ever seen me jerk off were lovers of mine and strangers on the internet (who never even saw my face), so this was a new and ever-so-slightly intimidating prospect for me.

We drank a little more, turned the lights out, laid on our backs on the floor of my friend’s basement, and got down to business.

At first, I was unsure if I’d be able to reach orgasm. I didn’t have any toys with me, and it’d been a long while (as in, several months) since I’d gotten myself off with just my hands. My fingers felt fumbling and inadequate.

However, then one of my friends started having an audible orgasm just a few feet away from me. I have always found “sex sounds” to be the biggest turn-on – bigger than visuals, sometimes bigger than actually being touched – so this helped a hell of a lot. I found myself spilling over the edge of orgasm within thirty seconds or so.

That same friend came again a couple minutes later (which I listened to with jealous ears, being pretty mono-orgasmic myself). As for our other friend, it turned out she had fallen asleep. I guess she’d had a long day. And also was extremely drunk.

At some point, one of us said, “We should do this again soon, but with toys.” And then someone else said, “This is like… the culmination of our entire friendship.” It’s true, it kind of was. It’s surprising that it never occurred to us to do this before, actually.

So, I had a fun group masturbation experience and I’m looking forward to doing it again!

Have you ever masturbated with friends/non-lovers before? Did you enjoy it?

Photo by Keith Hamm.

How to Introduce Your Friend to the Wonderful World of Sex Toys

Kate Sloan

My network of friends is pretty familiar with the fact that I’m a sex toy aficionado. As a result, lots of them have asked me, over the years, to take them on their first-ever visit to a sex shop so they could buy their first-ever sex toy.

Working in the sexuality industry, you quickly learn (if you didn’t already know) that sex is a deeply personal and often embarrassing topic for many people. This is why, with rare exceptions, most of the people I’ve taken on their first sex shop visit have been really shy about it and have required some extra care and help on my part.

Here are some of my best suggestions for helping a friend (or even a family member) through the tricky but very rewarding experience of picking out a first sex toy in person!

1. Don’t judge them.
This is maybe the most important thing. If they say they want a set of anal beads, don’t make a weird face. If they’re hankering after a super realistic dildo, don’t judge their cock preferences. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to tell someone what sexy object you’ve been fantasizing about, so your reaction should always be, “Great! I’ll help you find one of those.” And then smile and follow through on your promise.

2. Help them set a realistic budget.
Many people don’t know that sex toys (at least, decent ones that won’t burn your innards) are an investment. Once you’ve established what kind of toy your friend is looking for, give them an accurate estimate of how much they can expect to spend on such an item. If necessary, remind them that they don’t have to buy it right away, that they can take some time to save up the money if they need to, and that it’ll be worth the extra cash.

3. Gently steer them away from shitty toys.
Sometimes, you’ll take a friend to a sex shop and they’ll inexplicably make a beeline for a jelly rabbit or some such monstrosity. As a mentor of sorts, it’s your responsibility to make sure they don’t get anything with phthalates in it; ideally, you would also school them on why nonporous toys are best. It’s also useful to draw on your own experience with toys, to make sure they don’t buy one that just isn’t very good!

4. Recommend something appropriate for a beginner.
Things I would say are not appropriate for most beginners: a dual-stimulation vibrator, a giant butt plug, or a mega-textured glass dildo. Things that are appropriate for most beginners: a standardly-shaped vibrator that can be used in lots of different ways, or a small-to-medium plug or dildo. Beginners to sex toys (especially those who also haven’t had sex before) often don’t know exactly what kind of stimulation they prefer, so it’s best to get something versatile.

5. Help them pick out a good lube if necessary.
This is basic stuff, but it’s important. If their new toy is silicone, don’t let them buy a silicone-based lube. If they have a vagina, keep them away from lubes containing glycerin and parabens. Or just keep things simple and hand them a bottle of Sliquid.

6. Stay close, but give them time alone too.
Sometimes a friend is so nervous that you have to stand with them the whole time they’re trying to choose a toy. I also find, though, that there’s usually a moment where you feel this “vibe” (ha ha) from the person that they want you to walk away for a minute. Just go across the store and fondle the Fleshlights for a little while. Your friend might need to feel like they’re alone so they can grope toys without feeling like they’re being watched in an intimate act.

7. Be ready to interact with the sales staff for them.
The first time I took a friend to a sex shop, she was so shy that she literally whispered the entire time. Obviously, I had to step in. In a sex shop, you often have to show the sales clerk which toy you want, so they can go grab you one from the storage room – and that can be an awkward moment for first-time toy buyers. Read their body language to see if they need help, or just step up to the plate and do it. They’ll be grateful.

8. Don’t be creepy.
When you help someone pick out a sex toy, sometimes there’s an urge to ask them a few days later, “So, how are you liking it?” This is a weird thing to ask, as well-intentioned as it might be. They’ll probably bring it up if they want to tell you about it – but if they don’t, you gotta respect that. You don’t get to be privy to their solo sex life just because you helped facilitate one part of it.

Have you ever introduced a friend to sex toys? How did it happen? Did it go well?

On Friends, Lovers, and Sex Toys

Kate Sloan

My friends all know that I review sex toys, and they’re all pretty stoked for me. Some will even ask me, as a routine part of every visit we have together, “So what are you reviewing right now?” and then I will take them up to my bedroom and pull out whatever treasure has been frequenting my orifices that week. Really, my friends are great.

There are so many awkwardnesses surrounding the sharing of sexuality with your friends in this culture, though.

Recently I went through my toy collection and made a list of toys I never use and don’t need or want to own anymore. They’re all sterilizable and none of them have been in my butt. I sent out a message to a few select friends containing the list and some links, and asked them to choose anything they wanted to have.

Admittedly, I was nervous about doing this. My friends are extremely sex-positive and toy-positive, but I worried they would freak out, call me gross, and admonish me for even bringing it up. Luckily, they didn’t – and next week I’ll be passing on some under-loved, high-quality toys to my sweet friends.

My boyfriend thinks this is all a bit weird. Maybe it’s a relic of male culture – you know, all those ideas about how overly-intimate friendships are icky and how sex is something you share with your hos, not your bros – but he gets visibly squicked out when I mention that I’m giving a toy of mine to a friend. He’s fine with using my toys himself, but that’s because we’re fluid-bonded and I guess a sexual relationship is considered a socially acceptable environment for sharing toys.

I remember when I was 17 and my ambiguous friend/lovergirl bought a rabbit vibrator. Having owned a vibrator and a dildo but never a dual-action toy, I was very curious about her new purchase. So one night, when she came over for a little party I was having at my house, she stowed the rabbit in her bag and passed it to me surreptitiously. “Go try it out!” she said.

I scampered away from the party guests and into the bathroom, where I tried out the toy, sans lube (ugh, youthful stupidity). It didn’t blow me away. It didn’t even really turn me on. (This is no surprise to me now, since I’ve tried a re-skinned version of that same rabbit and had the same mediocre results.) After I had satisfied my curiosity, I removed the toy, rinsed it off, and brought it back to my lady. She asked me what I thought and I probably kinda shrugged.

So what’s my point with all this? Honestly, I’m not really sure I have one. I guess I’m just intrigued by and curious about the social norms surrounding sex toys. Some of them are there for good reason – you don’t want to accidentally transmit or contract an STI via a borrowed and unsterilized toy, of course – but some of them just seem silly. So what if I want to give my friend a vibrating hand-me-down? If she’s okay with it, and I’m okay with it, and the toy is clean, what’s the big deal?

What are your experiences with giving or receiving used sex toys? Do you consider it off-limits, and if so, why?