friendship

I Masturbated With My Best Friends and It Made Me Smile

Kate Sloan

My two closest lady-friends are two of the most sex-positive people I know. One of them is poly and does feminist porn; the other was raised in a kink-positive lesbian household and comes with me to Pride every single year. Obviously, I have good taste in friends.

Not too long ago, we were having a “girls’ night in,” as we often do, but things were just getting… raunchier than usual. Maybe it was the wine and rum we were downing, or maybe it was just one of those hot summer nights that makes you want to be sleazily open-minded. Either way, it was a rather sexier evening than I was used to spending with these ladies.

First we were chatting about porn; next we had taken off our clothes; shortly after that, we started photographing each other’s naughty bits on my instant camera; and sometime after that, it was suggested that we masturbate side-by-side.

The only folks who’d ever seen me jerk off were lovers of mine and strangers on the internet (who never even saw my face), so this was a new and ever-so-slightly intimidating prospect for me.

We drank a little more, turned the lights out, laid on our backs on the floor of my friend’s basement, and got down to business.

At first, I was unsure if I’d be able to reach orgasm. I didn’t have any toys with me, and it’d been a long while (as in, several months) since I’d gotten myself off with just my hands. My fingers felt fumbling and inadequate.

However, then one of my friends started having an audible orgasm just a few feet away from me. I have always found “sex sounds” to be the biggest turn-on – bigger than visuals, sometimes bigger than actually being touched – so this helped a hell of a lot. I found myself spilling over the edge of orgasm within thirty seconds or so.

That same friend came again a couple minutes later (which I listened to with jealous ears, being pretty mono-orgasmic myself). As for our other friend, it turned out she had fallen asleep. I guess she’d had a long day. And also was extremely drunk.

At some point, one of us said, “We should do this again soon, but with toys.” And then someone else said, “This is like… the culmination of our entire friendship.” It’s true, it kind of was. It’s surprising that it never occurred to us to do this before, actually.

So, I had a fun group masturbation experience and I’m looking forward to doing it again!

Have you ever masturbated with friends/non-lovers before? Did you enjoy it?

Photo by Keith Hamm.

How to Introduce Your Friend to the Wonderful World of Sex Toys

Kate Sloan

My network of friends is pretty familiar with the fact that I’m a sex toy aficionado. As a result, lots of them have asked me, over the years, to take them on their first-ever visit to a sex shop so they could buy their first-ever sex toy.

Working in the sexuality industry, you quickly learn (if you didn’t already know) that sex is a deeply personal and often embarrassing topic for many people. This is why, with rare exceptions, most of the people I’ve taken on their first sex shop visit have been really shy about it and have required some extra care and help on my part.

Here are some of my best suggestions for helping a friend (or even a family member) through the tricky but very rewarding experience of picking out a first sex toy in person!

1. Don’t judge them.
This is maybe the most important thing. If they say they want a set of anal beads, don’t make a weird face. If they’re hankering after a super realistic dildo, don’t judge their cock preferences. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to tell someone what sexy object you’ve been fantasizing about, so your reaction should always be, “Great! I’ll help you find one of those.” And then smile and follow through on your promise.

2. Help them set a realistic budget.
Many people don’t know that sex toys (at least, decent ones that won’t burn your innards) are an investment. Once you’ve established what kind of toy your friend is looking for, give them an accurate estimate of how much they can expect to spend on such an item. If necessary, remind them that they don’t have to buy it right away, that they can take some time to save up the money if they need to, and that it’ll be worth the extra cash.

3. Gently steer them away from shitty toys.
Sometimes, you’ll take a friend to a sex shop and they’ll inexplicably make a beeline for a jelly rabbit or some such monstrosity. As a mentor of sorts, it’s your responsibility to make sure they don’t get anything with phthalates in it; ideally, you would also school them on why nonporous toys are best. It’s also useful to draw on your own experience with toys, to make sure they don’t buy one that just isn’t very good!

4. Recommend something appropriate for a beginner.
Things I would say are not appropriate for most beginners: a dual-stimulation vibrator, a giant butt plug, or a mega-textured glass dildo. Things that are appropriate for most beginners: a standardly-shaped vibrator that can be used in lots of different ways, or a small-to-medium plug or dildo. Beginners to sex toys (especially those who also haven’t had sex before) often don’t know exactly what kind of stimulation they prefer, so it’s best to get something versatile.

5. Help them pick out a good lube if necessary.
This is basic stuff, but it’s important. If their new toy is silicone, don’t let them buy a silicone-based lube. If they have a vagina, keep them away from lubes containing glycerin and parabens. Or just keep things simple and hand them a bottle of Sliquid.

6. Stay close, but give them time alone too.
Sometimes a friend is so nervous that you have to stand with them the whole time they’re trying to choose a toy. I also find, though, that there’s usually a moment where you feel this “vibe” (ha ha) from the person that they want you to walk away for a minute. Just go across the store and fondle the Fleshlights for a little while. Your friend might need to feel like they’re alone so they can grope toys without feeling like they’re being watched in an intimate act.

7. Be ready to interact with the sales staff for them.
The first time I took a friend to a sex shop, she was so shy that she literally whispered the entire time. Obviously, I had to step in. In a sex shop, you often have to show the sales clerk which toy you want, so they can go grab you one from the storage room – and that can be an awkward moment for first-time toy buyers. Read their body language to see if they need help, or just step up to the plate and do it. They’ll be grateful.

8. Don’t be creepy.
When you help someone pick out a sex toy, sometimes there’s an urge to ask them a few days later, “So, how are you liking it?” This is a weird thing to ask, as well-intentioned as it might be. They’ll probably bring it up if they want to tell you about it – but if they don’t, you gotta respect that. You don’t get to be privy to their solo sex life just because you helped facilitate one part of it.

Have you ever introduced a friend to sex toys? How did it happen? Did it go well?

On Friends, Lovers, and Sex Toys

Kate Sloan

My friends all know that I review sex toys, and they’re all pretty stoked for me. Some will even ask me, as a routine part of every visit we have together, “So what are you reviewing right now?” and then I will take them up to my bedroom and pull out whatever treasure has been frequenting my orifices that week. Really, my friends are great.

There are so many awkwardnesses surrounding the sharing of sexuality with your friends in this culture, though.

Recently I went through my toy collection and made a list of toys I never use and don’t need or want to own anymore. They’re all sterilizable and none of them have been in my butt. I sent out a message to a few select friends containing the list and some links, and asked them to choose anything they wanted to have.

Admittedly, I was nervous about doing this. My friends are extremely sex-positive and toy-positive, but I worried they would freak out, call me gross, and admonish me for even bringing it up. Luckily, they didn’t – and next week I’ll be passing on some under-loved, high-quality toys to my sweet friends.

My boyfriend thinks this is all a bit weird. Maybe it’s a relic of male culture – you know, all those ideas about how overly-intimate friendships are icky and how sex is something you share with your hos, not your bros – but he gets visibly squicked out when I mention that I’m giving a toy of mine to a friend. He’s fine with using my toys himself, but that’s because we’re fluid-bonded and I guess a sexual relationship is considered a socially acceptable environment for sharing toys.

I remember when I was 17 and my ambiguous friend/lovergirl bought a rabbit vibrator. Having owned a vibrator and a dildo but never a dual-action toy, I was very curious about her new purchase. So one night, when she came over for a little party I was having at my house, she stowed the rabbit in her bag and passed it to me surreptitiously. “Go try it out!” she said.

I scampered away from the party guests and into the bathroom, where I tried out the toy, sans lube (ugh, youthful stupidity). It didn’t blow me away. It didn’t even really turn me on. (This is no surprise to me now, since I’ve tried a re-skinned version of that same rabbit and had the same mediocre results.) After I had satisfied my curiosity, I removed the toy, rinsed it off, and brought it back to my lady. She asked me what I thought and I probably kinda shrugged.

So what’s my point with all this? Honestly, I’m not really sure I have one. I guess I’m just intrigued by and curious about the social norms surrounding sex toys. Some of them are there for good reason – you don’t want to accidentally transmit or contract an STI via a borrowed and unsterilized toy, of course – but some of them just seem silly. So what if I want to give my friend a vibrating hand-me-down? If she’s okay with it, and I’m okay with it, and the toy is clean, what’s the big deal?

What are your experiences with giving or receiving used sex toys? Do you consider it off-limits, and if so, why?