“Every Feminist’s Ideal Boyfriend…”

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During the shitstorm of anti-feminist trolls I faced after the publication of my Establishment article, the funniest criticism I received was this: “Every feminist’s ideal boyfriend is a Hitachi Magic Wand.”

A conservative blogger had written about me and my degenerate sex toy collection, and I clicked the link while at a party with a bunch of friends. When a concerned pal saw what I was reading, he cooed, “Aw, don’t look at that,” and tried to take my phone from me so it wouldn’t ruin my night. But I wasn’t sad or angry; I was giggling my ass off.

It struck me (and still strikes me) as so funny that these anti-feminist, anti-woman, anti-pleasure curmudgeons think sex toys are incompatible with the presence of a real-life partner. These people honestly believe that by sheer virtue of owning dozens of vibrators and dildos, I am scaring away anyone who might want to bang me. This couldn’t be further from the truth.


I’m throwing clothes and toiletries into a backpack, getting ready for a weekend at my boyfriend’s place. It’s a rarity: he has the house to himself, with his family being out of town. We are going to fuck on every available surface.

My eyes land on my sex toy drawers and I realize some important decisions need to be made. “What toys should I bring?” I text my love. While waiting for him to respond, I idly graze my fingers over my Tango, Orchid, and Wahl.

The reply comes back: “Your Eroscillator. Duh.”

I should have known. He loves how hard that toy makes me come, while his cock is deep inside me or his fingers probe my G-spot. Sometimes he even hands it to me during sex without me needing to ask – a non-verbal assertion that, yes, he values my pleasure, it’s important to him, it turns him on, and he can’t wait to feel me clenching around him.

I wrap the Eroscillator’s cord carefully around its body and slide it into my bag, then skip off toward the subway station.


27 percent of the people I’ve banged have owned their own Magic Wand (to my knowledge, anyway). That’s no small number. That’s 1.3 in 5. Those odds are pretty good, compared to the world at large. I have excellent taste in partners.

Though self-pleasure is obviously an important ideal to me, I’m especially charmed by cis men who own a Magic Wand purely for the usage of the women they bone.

These are usually men to whom their partners’ pleasure matters a great deal. They’re the type of men who want you to come, but who will back the fuck off if you tell them it’s probably not gonna happen tonight and you’re okay with that. The type of men who will patiently offer up their fingers, mouths, dicks, and talented toy-wielding hands if it means they get to watch you writhe and convulse beneath them. The type of men who will never judge you for getting sweaty, red-faced, breathless, loud, and incoherent during and after your orgasm, because to them, that’s not unattractive – it’s the whole point.

When I’m flirting with someone new and sex toys come up in conversation, sometimes I learn that my flirtee owns their own Hitachi. It’s usually mentioned so casually and offhandedly, I could miss it if I zoned out for just a moment. But it’s info that perks my ears right up, because I know what it’s likely to mean.


“I bought it for an ex-girlfriend, but she didn’t want it,” he says with a shrug as he plugs it in.

“Lucky for me,” I fire back, unwrapping a condom to pull over the thing’s unwieldy, porous head.

I’m already wet from his deft fingers, so he can push them right into me again once the Hitachi is settled on my clit. I turn it on just as he finds my A-spot and have to bite down on my own hand to keep my moans at a reasonable decibel level. The deep vibrations rocking my entire clit combine with his sweetly insistent fingers, and I zoom right into “about to come” territory within seconds.

It doesn’t take much. I’m just thinking that I wish he would say something nurturing and domly to me to push me over the edge, when he leans in and mutters, “Does that feel good? Yeah? Like that?” And then I’m coming all over his fingers, sinking my teeth even deeper into my own skin. The vibrator rattles noisily against my sudden wetness and I leave it there until I can’t stand it anymore.

“Man, I love that thing,” I breathe. He laughs and says, “Yeah, I could tell.” We curl up to sleep: him spooning me, and me spooning the Hitachi.

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The way I use sex toys with partners, it’s a way they can prove to me that they trust and respect my authority over my own body.

I rarely just hand a partner a toy and let ’em go wild with it. Usually I’ll hand it to them while listing some very specific instructions. “Push it all the way into me, tilt the tip up toward my belly, and move in and out in small motions. Yeah, like that. A little bit faster, please.”

Or sometimes I’ll just hold the damn thing myself. I’ll press a vibrator against my clit or external G-spot while my partner fucks me with fingers, a toy, or his dick. Since my clit is a total princess, it’s often easier if I handle that part myself, freeing him up to do other things.

I don’t attract the type of person who’d pridefully try to control my toys against my wishes. I wouldn’t want to bang that type of person, anyway. I only want to be with people who respect my autonomy, my knowledge of my own body, my pleasure preferences. And when a partner hands me a vibe without getting butthurt about it, without sulking in disappointment, without seeming to feel devalued or unneeded, it just proves he trusts me to know what’s best for me.

It’s a feminist act, in some ways. It’s a man saying-without-saying, “Your body is yours, you’re smart and experienced, and your pleasure matters. I’d love to be a part of that, if you’ll let me. And if not, that’s fine too.”


He’s got one hand on my chest and the other inside me. My Tango is wedged against my clit, thrumming helpfully, but I’m just not quite getting there.

I see a look come over his face that I can’t decipher, and then he says, “I don’t think this is strong enough. Do you wanna switch to the Hitachi?”

My appreciation for this man, in this moment, is grander than I can translate into words. My heart melts, and so does my vagina. Far from being scared or put off by vibrators, he’s getting annoyed with the one in my hand for being too small, not strong enough, not giving me enough pleasure. He wants more for me, because my enjoyment is paramount to him. And not in some selfless, detached way: me getting off is a direct turn-on for him. And I know that’s why he shuts off my Tango, retrieves my Magic Wand from the bedside table, and places it in my hands.

A few diligent minutes later, I come so hard that I’m babbling, sweating, lost in rumbly reverie. I’m vaguely aware that he takes the vibe from me once I’m totally done coming, and I hear him set it on the table before climbing back into bed with me.

Maybe it’s the orgasmic neurotransmitters talking, but I’ve rarely felt so cared for, respected, safe, and seen during sex as I do now. He knew what I needed and delivered it not with complaints but with extreme enthusiasm. It wasn’t even a big deal to him. He wanted me to come, so, duh, he made sure there was a suitable vibrator in my hands. It was the obvious thing to do, and he did it because he cares about me.

I drift off to sleep in his arms. His hands still smell like me.

Monthly Faves: Show-Offs, Blowjobs, Butt Stuff & Balconies

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February was a super tough month for me emotionally, but in between cry-a-thons and anxiety attacks, I also managed to have plenty of good sex. Here’s a breakdown of the highlights…

 

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• I have said this to you before… like, many, many times… but I really enjoyed the Eleven this month. It helps that I used it in a porn shoot (more on that in a second), but holy shit, it’s just a classic as far as I’m concerned. Sometimes I’m struggling to reach orgasm and I break out the Eleven as a last resort, and it always, always does the trick, somehow.

• To flagrantly repeat another toy that’s gotten its fair share of mentions in my monthly faves: the Magic Wand Rechargeable really earned its keep this month. I used it in the aforementioned porn shoot, as well as during my first anal sex experience and many solo sexytimes. It’s nice to have a vibe that works so reliably well that I don’t even have to think about it.

• When Bex visited early in the month, we took a trip to Come As You Are and I became fixated on the limited-edition pink version of Aslan Leather’s Jaguar harness. It’s $130, I already owned a Jaguar harness in black, I’m trying to save money for an upcoming trip, and I don’t even have an opportunity on my horizon to use a harness – but nonetheless, I wanted one, because it’s femmey and perfect. So I posted in a local kinky trading group to ask if anyone wanted to buy me a pink Jag in exchange for my black one plus some other toys I’d throw in, and a lovely lady took me up on my offer. I’m soooo happy I own it. It looks gorgeous on me and I’m going to make someone’s fucked-by-a-femme fantasy come true someday.

 

Fantasy fodder

• If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed it’s been a bit of a blowjobby month for me. My ideal blowjob recipient was in town so I had some mouth cravings to contend with. One of my favorite encounters in February was an impromptu blowjob date, which resulted when I messaged dude to offer him BJ carte blanche. I got to suck off one of my fave dicks in the known universe in a dimly lit room while we listened to R&B slowjams. Twice: once before dinner/drinks and once after. It was pretty much the best. And I continued to think about it a lot through the month, because unf, yes, all the good dicks in my mouth, please.

• My friends, you have not lived until a hot androgyne has rammed the shit out of you with an Eleven at a sex club in front of an audience as part of a live porn shoot. I thought I’d be too nervous to have a real orgasm, and was entirely prepared to fake one (which I know is bad, but it was a performance!) – but then my babely scene partner leaned close to my ear and whispered, “Does it turn you on that all these people are watching you?” That, combined with the well-wielded Eleven and the Hitachi I was pressing to my clit, triggered a very-real orgasm almost instantly. Welp. I didn’t think I was an exhibitionist, but it seems my fantasy landscape has been forever revolutionized by this incident…

• Ugh, there is something so hot to me about the process of teaching someone how to get you off. And especially that moment where they start to get it and do it how you want it without being told. I got to be on both sides of that this month, with regards to spanking, fingering, and blowjobs, and maaaan I was into it. Good sexual communication forever!

 

Sexcetera

• My main sexual adventure this month was losing my anal virginity. It was awesome. I want to do more butt stuff real soon. (I probably won’t get to, though, because it’s something I’d only want to explore with a trusted partner, and I don’t really have access to any of those at the moment. Booooo!)

• The award for weirdest sexual adventure of the month goes to the time I got kissed, fingered and felt up on an Airbnb balcony while slightly stoned, as snow came down around us. Marijuana often impedes my ability to tell whether the situation I’m in is strange or not, because everything feels strange when I’m high. But yeah, even looking back, it was a surreal experience. I don’t think I will ever forget the feeling of his hands sliding up under my bulky winter coat as he backed me up against that cold glass railing. Swoon.

• My friend is developing a party game called Don’t You Dare and I got to play it a few times this month. It’s really fun! I have some feelz about the ways in which games like Truth or Dare can be immensely helpful and world-widening for anxious folks like me… Maybe I’ll blog about that one of these days. (If you wanna help fund the game so it can liven up your parties someday, you can do so at its GoFundMe page!)

 

Femme stuff

• It was a big lingerie month for me. I am expanding my “porndrobe,” as it were. Some of my fave new sexy acquisitions are a navy and teal lace set by QT Intimates and a pink floral lace set by American Apparel. Now I wanna get more boy briefs and thigh-high socks, but what else is new?

• While searching Redbubble for “heart-eyes emoji” – as you do – I found this zip-up pouch. I had been in the market for a case in which to carry safer sex supplies (condoms, lube sample packs, gloves, dental dams, maybe a small vibrator), and this fit the bill, so I bought it. It’s actually a little bigger than I would prefer for everyday sex-supply totin’, but when I packed a huge bag for my hotel-sex date, it fit a noble quantity of latex barriers and butt plugs. Hooray!

• I bought a black and white skull-print scarf for something like $4 at a vintage shop and it is the ideal thing for tying around my hair when it’s in pincurls. Such glamour!

 

What were your fave sexy things this month, darlings?

12 Days of Girly Juice: 9 Best New Sex Toys

Yes, it’s that time, folks… Time to reflect back on 2015 and choose the toys that most tickled my fancy and improved my life. If you’ve been following along closely, you can probably guess most of these in advance. Oh wellz – here they are!

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9. The Womanizer has a terrible name, costs a prohibitive amount of money, and is 100% the ugliest sex toy I’ve ever seen. But (she admitted with a sigh of resignation), it also produces a sensation that is certifiably unique and quite often orgasmic. So, while it needs a massive branding overhaul, it still snuck into this list because when I want it, I need it. (Available at SheVibe and Sex Toys Canada.)

8. Is it cheating if I put a toy on this list that I’ve only used one time? My one-of-a-kind, handmade Seaside Steamroller is too humongous for my vagina on all but the limberest of days, but it’s so beautiful that it works well as a display piece nonetheless.

7. I’ve wanted a Liberator Throe since this blog first launched; I’m so glad I finally got one. It keeps me from soaking through to my mattress on the rare occasions that I squirt, and it’s also surprisingly classy and discreet-looking when draped across my bed. Just as long as nobody sits on it and notices the crinkly texture, that is. (Available at SheVibe.)

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6. The Tantus Uncut #1 was my favorite realistic dildo of 2015. Pleasantly girthy, adorably realistic, and comfortably squishy – Tantus totally hit the mark with this one. As a sex toy reviewer, sometimes I get blasé about cocks, but this one was worth getting excited over. (Available at Tantus, SheVibe, Peepshow Toys and Sex Toys Canada.)

5. The Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble is incredible. My A-spot and G-spot are obsessed. Designed in a collaboration between porn maven Courtney Trouble and artisanal glass dildo geniuses Fucking Sculptures, it truly is “where art meets sex, then fucks itself.”

4. “Don’t call it a comeback…” Everyone’s favorite wand vibrator, ye olde Hitachi, got revamped and relaunched this year as the Magic Wand Rechargeable. It’s one of the most reliable vibrators I’ve ever owned. Maybe that sounds boring, but it’s not. It gets me off, easily, quickly, consistently, and often through my pajama pants. And that’s quite a feat. (Available at SheVibe, Peepshow Toys and Sex Toys Canada.)

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3. My G-spot kinda spasms in delight at the very thought of the NobEssence Seduction. It hits my spot so perfectly, so completely, so intensely that I often come in a couple minutes or less. It’s also freaking gorgeous and feels like a luxury item. Mmm, NobEssence. (Available at SheVibe.)

2. My acquisition of the Njoy Eleven was like a romance in a teen movie. People told me to stay away. I tried to resist, but then I gave in. Then I fell deeply, swiftly in love. And it was a love like no other. How can this toy hit my G-spot and A-spot simultaneously?! How can it leave me feeling as sated and breathless as if I’d just been fucked by a 6’2″ muscly dom dude in a leather jacket?! How can an object so perfect possibly exist in the real world?! (Available at SheVibe, Peepshow Toys and Sex Toys Canada.)

1. Bury me with my Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon in my vagina. If I’ve gotta die, I might as well get stellar A-spot stimulation from here to eternity. Seriously, this toy hits my deep spot better than any other I’ve ever owned, and it does it all while being stunningly beautiful. I will never stop fawning over the G-Spoon. It is my love, my everything, my addiction, my obsession. Blah, blah, blah, just buy one already! (Available at SheVibe.)

 

As you can see, it’s been a pretty good year for sex toys! What were some of your favorites in 2015?

Review: Jimmyjane Iconic Wand

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It’s funny that Jimmyjane made a toy called the Iconic Wand when the sex toy world already has an iconic wand. It’s a bit like if Samsung launched a phone called the Iconic Smartphone (bonus points if it was formatted like “iConic”). Like, dude: you’re not fooling anyone.

But I should quit hatin’ on this toy, because it’s actually pretty decent.

My first exposure to the Iconic Wand was when JoEllen mentioned it while I was in Portland. She said that the controls were in an inconvenient place (which they are – more on that in a minute) but I was nonetheless intrigued by the wand’s beautifully simplistic look and its promise of “deep, rumbling vibrations.” So I asked Peepshow Toys to send me one to try, and they hooked me up, like the vibrator angels that they are.

Let’s get this out of the way: the Iconic Wand’s buttons are positioned so oddly that it seems like the toy wasn’t tested by humans prior to its release. Or at least, not by humans with normal wrists with bones and tendons. In order to switch the wand’s mode or speed one-handed, you have to hold it so far down the handle that you’re almost touching the head. Not ideal, Jimmyjane. The toy’s gently curved handle is otherwise very ergonomic and feels good in the hand; this vibe could’ve been improved substantially by just shifting the buttons a few inches up. But alas.

The controls themselves are easy to figure out. There’s a power button and a button that cycles through the wand’s modes and speeds. It has three solid speeds and four patterns, and while I don’t normally love patterns, these ones are kind of great: there’s not a lot of space in between pulses and escalations, so they can actually be a turn-on rather than a drag.

The vibrations are, as advertised, rumbly and strong. YAY. It’s damn impressive that Jimmyjane managed to pack such a punch into a toy that’s only about two-thirds the size of the Hitachi, especially given that Jimmyjane’s vibrations have historically erred on the side of buzzy and inconsistent.

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While I think the Iconic Wand’s vibrations are more than strong enough to give wonderful orgasms to most folks, it doesn’t work all that well for me, because of its shape. The top of the wand is completely rounded off, so I can’t tilt it for a more pinpointed sensation on my clit like I can with more angular wands. It delivers broad, all-over vulva stimulation, unless I use my other hand to hold my labia wide open – and who wants to do that when that hand could be operating a dildo instead?

The Iconic Wand also vibrates the fuck out of my hand no matter where I grip it. Grrr.

But, you know, it looks very pretty while it’s doing that.

I think the Iconic Wand is a marvelous choice if you want a super-powerful vibrator without the size or weight of a standard massager vibe. It’s elegant, waterproof (!!), has great speeds and patterns, and is possibly one of the best things Jimmyjane’s ever made. But if you need pinpoint stimulation or subtler vibrations, or if you have any wrist mobility issues at all, I would skip this one. After all, the Magic Wand Rechargeable is about $10 cheaper and it’s a tried-and-true classic – it is actually iconic, and for good reason.

Thanks so much to the good folks at Peepshow Toys for supplying me with this toy!

Review: Magic Wand Rechargeable

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For a long time, I felt about the Hitachi Magic Wand the way I would feel if I met my favorite movie star in person and he turned out to be a sexist asshole.

It just didn’t live up to its cultish following. Certainly, it’s one of the strongest vibrators you can get, and I guess that’s why so many people like it. But vibration strength cannot be the only thing a vibrator has to offer, just as a good-looking man can’t sweet-talk his way into my pants if he also happens to be stupid and rude.

I developed tricks and techniques to make the wand work for me, but still, it tended to languish in my bottom drawer, gathering dust. Eventually I gave it away to a friend… and then, like a scorned lover who keeps returning to the one who hurts her, I bought another one for myself.

It felt like something I “had to” or “ought to” own, not something I wanted to own or liked to use.

But all that has changed now. The Magic Wand has been overhauled in a major way; dropping the “Hitachi” label is the least of these wonderful changes.

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I first tried the Magic Wand Rechargeable at #DildoHoliday. I borrowed Piph‘s wand and immediately understood her penchant for “casual Hitachi-ing“: this is a toy that lends itself well to idle, lazy, absent-minded usage – say, while reading fanfic or watching porn. The lowest setting is pleasurable but mild enough that it doesn’t act like clitoral novocaine. I can sit with the head of the wand wedged between my thighs while I scroll through Tumblr, check my phone, or hunt through my drawers for a particular dildo. It turns me on but requires almost zero effort or focus. Neat.

You would think, from the fact that it’s called the Magic Wand Rechargeable, that the most notable change to this toy is its rechargeability. And yeah, it’s great not to be chained to an outlet. But what really excites me about this new wand is that it now has four settings instead of two.

This is a Big Fucking Deal. The old Hitachi’s two settings were ridiculous – I would describe them as “jackhammer” and “jackhammer in an earthquake” – so I usually had to use mine indirectly for it to be comfortable. The two new settings introduced in the rechargeable version are a blessing, a godsend, a revelation. (I am making a lot of religious references… #AllHailHitachi!) The first speed is low, but still pretty stimulating; the second speed, however, is my jam. It’s rumblier than the other settings, making for a deeper, bolder sensation that can get me off with alarming consistency.

The upper two settings are roughly the same as the ones on the original Hitachi. I almost never use them. The toy is quite a bit louder on those high speeds (though the sound reminds me less of a food processor now than the old version did), and they’re also fairly buzzy and numbing. You’ll like ’em if you liked the O.G. Hitachi, but I didn’t, so I don’t.

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The wand’s head is now made of silicone. HALLE-FUCKIN’-LUJAH. The old head was made of some gross, foamy, porous material, and I’d read far too many horror stories about it getting stained by menstrual blood and all manner of other things. Sex toys should not be stainable! The new wand’s silicone head is entirely smooth, so if your clit loved the texture on the old one, you might be disappointed – but come on: nonporous materials are always better.

The controls aren’t as simple as the flip-switch on the old Hitachi, but they’re still pretty damn simple. One button turns the toy on and off, one cycles through the speeds, and one cycles through the patterns. Easy-peasy. I don’t love vibrators that make you go through the higher speeds to get back to a lower one, but I’m used to dealing with the We-Vibe Tango so that controls scheme doesn’t bug me too much anymore.

The rechargeable wand has a new “feature” where it automatically turns off after 20 minutes, ostensibly to prevent overheating. Weirdly, overheating is an issue that the old wand had but that the new one seems to lack, so this “safety measure” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. And, as Piph notes, it can seem almost shaming, as if taking longer than 20 minutes would be taking “too long.” Luckily, you can turn the toy right back on again when it turns off.

I actually haven’t encountered the shut-off feature at all, because a) it usually only takes me 5-10 minutes to reach orgasm and b) I typically turn the wand off and on many times during each session so I can get back to the lowest speed. But, before you decide to buy this wand, you should think about the way that you usually use vibrators, and determine whether a loss of power after 20 minutes of continual use would be a potential boner-killer for you.

The rechargeable wand lasts forever on a charge: hours and hours, especially if you tend to use the lower settings. You can use it while it’s plugged in, too. Nicely done, Vibratex!

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As with the previous iteration of the Magic Wand, I tend to use this one with an attachment a lot of the time. It focuses the sensation into a more pinpoint shape, so I can get in between my labia and direct the vibration right onto my clit without buzzing the surrounding area.

However, if you like broader stimulation, obviously the Magic Wand can deliver that smashingly well. My inner labia – not normally a major source of pleasure for me – really enjoy the wand’s vibrations from time to time.

Overall, the Magic Wand Rechargeable is the dependable toybox workhorse I always wanted the Hitachi to be. It does the job and does it well. It’s become a bedside staple for me, and I don’t use that phrase lightly. It’s more than double the price of the original, but that price hike is actually justified.

The Hitachi has often been lauded as the “Cadillac of vibrators,” a one-size-fits-all vibe that could satisfy anyone – and while that’s not true of any sex toy, the Magic Wand Rechargeable is certainly a lot closer to that goal than its predecessor.