joyful pleasures

The Best and Worst Toys of 2013

Kate Sloan

It’s that time, folks! Here are my favorite and least favorite toys I reviewed this year (some of which actually launched this year, some of which didn’t)…

Best G-spot dildo: Without a doubt, the Jopen Key Comet Wand. This silicone/glass hybrid launched early in the year and knocked the socks off most sex toy reviewers who tried it, myself included. It produces shockingly intense G-spot sensations and looks gorgeous all the while. (Available at Sex Toys Canada and Early to Bed.)

Best glass dildo: The SSA Glass Royal Adventure. Glass toys can be hit-or-miss, because a shitty design can make for a very uncomfortable or even painful toy – but the Royal Adventure suffers from none of these issues. Its corkscrew-like texture massages my vaginal walls and its slightly bulging head feels lovely on my G-spot. (Sadly no longer available; these are similar: Icicles no. 5, Mr. Swirly, Pink Swirled Delight.)

Best realistic dildo: The VixSkin Maverick. I finally got around to trying this one after worrying for months about whether or not my vagina would be able to accommodate it, and I surprised myself with my vaginal proficiency! The Maverick is an ultra-satisfying monster of a dildo, with a G-spot-pleasing mega-sized coronal ridge. It wears well in a harness, too! (Available at Lovehoney.)

Best vibrator: The Lelo Mona 2. I haven’t reviewed this one yet, but it was, without a doubt, the best vibrator of the year. Strong, rumbly, rechargeable, waterproof, quiet, versatile, elegant, and ergonomic. If you can only afford one vibrator, get this one. (Available at SheVibe, Sex Toys Canada, and Lovehoney.)

Best sex toy innovation: The Fun Factory Stronic Eins. There are no other toys on the market that pulsate like the Stronic line, though I’m sure there will be by this time next year, given the success of these toys. The Stronic Eins is the ultimate in lazy masturbation and is a dream come true for folks who fantasize about PIV sex. And it comes in an obnoxiously bright pink hue. (Available at Sex Toys Canada, Early to Bed and Lovehoney.)

Best kink implement: The Tantus silicone paddles. My favorite is the Wham Bam but you’ll get a rollicking good time out of any one of them. (Available at Tantus, Peepshow and Lovehoney.)

Worst dildo: Indubitably the Joyful Pleasures Joyful Plant. I requested it knowing I wouldn’t like it, and naturally, I didn’t. I mean, it’s shaped like a tiny eggplant. At least now I have a cool story to tell when people ask me about the weirdest toy I’ve ever reviewed. (No longer available)

Worst vibrator: It was a bad year for vibrators. Very few high-end (i.e. body-safe and rechargeable or electric) vibes launched, and those that did were mostly shitty. But the ones I hated most out of all the vibes I reviewed this year were the Leaf Spirit and Fun Factory LayaSpot. They were too weak to get me off, and I didn’t like their color schemes much either. (Leaf Spirit available at Sex Toys Canada. Fun Factory LayaSpot available at Sex Toys Canada and Lovehoney.)

Worst butt toy: The Something Forbidden plug. Literally one of the worst toys I have ever reviewed, in terms of safety and design. My butt still fears it. (Available at SheVibe and Lovehoney.)

Worst sex toy innovation: Another one I haven’t reviewed yet – the Lelo Ida. You’ll have to wait for my full review to come out, but for now, just know that I literally screamed in pain the first time I used it. (Available at SheVibe.)

Worst kink implement: The Sportsheets Doggie-Style Strap. I’m sure it would be useful for some folks, but my boyfriend and I got no benefit out of it whatsoever. I might try to work it into a future outfit as a pink cummerbund. (Available at SheVibe.)

Aaaand that’s a wrap! I’m going to take a little blogging break until the new year, methinks – and then I’ll be back with more sex toy reviews and sexual musings in 2014!

What were your favorite (and least favorite) toys of the year? What do you hope to see next year?

Review: Joyful Pleasures Joyful Plant

Kate Sloan

Hey, it’s a glass dildo shaped like an eggplant! What will they think of next?!

When I took the Joyful Plant out of its packaging and saw how small it was, I thought, “I could probably write this review without even trying the toy.” But of course, that’s a dangerous thought for a reviewer to have.

To my surprise, upon testing it out, I discovered it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Despite being only 1" across at its widest point, the gently bulging shape causes the toy to pull at my G-spot on the outstroke, which feels really nice. It’s not the ideal dildo for when I want to get pounded with something sizeable, of course, but it’s a small, discreet G-spotter that’s easy to hide in my purse, which is what I want sometimes.

The handle is awkward. It’s the “stem” of the eggplant, so it’s thin and short and you have to grasp it with two or three fingers. I got used to this pretty quickly, but if you like marathon masturbation sessions and/or you have mobility issues in your hands, cross this one off your list unless you want to end up with claws for hands.

Joyful Pleasures has some other glass toys that look interesting – for example, the 24K Double Pleasure< and the Coiled Pleasure. They even have a dildo shaped like a hot pepper. But for some reason, the eggplant called to me.

Though the Joyful Plant wasn’t as colossal a failure as I thought it would be, I don’t think I can recommend it unless you have a specific and pressing desire to pretend you’re putting vegetables in your orifices. There are way better glass dildos out there, ones that may be less amusing visually but get the job done in a far superior way.