online dating

5 Rules For Better Online-Dating Interactions

Kate Sloan

Online dating is a beast. If you’re not careful, it can consume your life, with its alluring promises and gameified interface. This is especially true if, like many of us, you’re just not finding it that useful for its purported purpose: connecting you with people you’ll get along with. Sometimes Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid can feel like a pit of quicksand that sucks up all your time – and crushes your soul in the process. I often compare it to trying to find a diamond in a garbage heap.

In recent years, I’ve tried to streamline my online-dating habits by imposing a few rules on myself. These make my time on these sites and apps more efficient, by narrowing down my dating pool to only people I might actually enjoy talking to. Here are those rules, incase you want to try some for yourself…

Delete any message which does not specifically reference you/your profile.

I decided to implement this rule upon my most recent OkCupid rejoin, and as much as it is frustrating sometimes (SO MANY people just write “hi” or “hey,” or have clearly copy-and-pasted their message to multiple recipients!), it also simplifies things considerably. I no longer have to pick through every message-sender’s profile trying to decide if they merit a reply; the vast majority of contenders are taken out of the running immediately because they’ve failed to do the absolute bare minimum to even qualify for consideration.

This might seem like a harsh rule, but the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Whether you’re looking for a one-night stand, a long-term relationship, or anything in between, you want to connect with people who will put effort in. Good sex requires effort; good dates require effort; sustaining any kind of relationship requires effort. If someone puts in almost zero effort from their very first message – when they should theoretically be trying the hardest to impress you – then that attitude will probably extend to other aspects of any potential relationship as well. Hit “delete” and make room for people who are actually trying!

If someone doesn’t ask you any questions or give you anything to ask them about, stop talking to them.

Some people are bad conversationalists. While it’s nice to pick up the slack for them and try to make a convo work in spite of their shortcomings, it’s not necessary. Yet again, this comes down to effort. If they answer your every question like you’re doing an informational interview, and never ask you anything, frankly they don’t deserve the pleasure of talking to you.

There are exceptions, of course. Some people are neurodivergent in ways that affect their conversation style, and some people are just better in person or on the phone than they are via text. If you get the sense from someone’s profile that they might be more interesting than their shitty messages have led you to believe, feel free to give them another chance in a different setting (like a phone call, or an actual date). But you are not at all obligated to. You are an interesting, fun person and there will be other people who are more than happy to have fabulous, engaging conversations with you.

Don’t look at someone’s profile for very long before messaging them.

I would say that on a platform with short profiles, like Tinder, you shouldn’t spend more than a minute looking at anyone’s bio – and on sites where profiles provide more information, like OkCupid, you should give yourself 3-5 minutes, tops. Online dating can be staggeringly time-consuming, especially if you fall into the trap of thinking you have to know you’re into someone before messaging them. Your gut feeling about a person is probably accurate, whether you find them intriguing or boring.

Some people online-date like they’re picky eaters wandering through a grocery store, examining each vegetable for discolorations, carefully reading every ingredient on the back of every cereal box. Others online-date like they’re grocery-shopping while hungry for a particular meal: they speed-walk through the store, mercenarily grabbing each item they need and shoving it immediately into their basket. Research about the paradox of choice shows us that people who spend a long time weighing the pros and cons of each option actually tend to be less happy with their eventual decision. So don’t waste time poring over profiles in an effort to understand the minds of strangers you might not even ever have a conversation with, let alone a relationship. Get in, get out, and then get back to your life.

If someone’s profile makes you laugh or smile, message them to tell them why. (Unless it’s mean.)

Try not to overthink this too much; make like Nike and just do it. Sparks of recognition or excitement while reading someone’s profile are depressingly rare – “Hey, I get that joke!” “I watch that TV show too!” “This picture is so goofy and cute!” – so you might as well chase them when they crop up. These are the types of shallow cues that can lead to a deep connection if pursued, so keep an eye out for anything in a profile that authentically delights you.

Of course, you can just send a quick note saying [x thing] cracked you up or piqued your interest, but you’re likelier to get a good response (or a response, period) if you add at least one question. If they referenced your favorite show, ask them which episode they love the most and why, or which character they most relate to. If they’re posing with a parrot in a funny pic on their profile, ask them about the circumstances that led to them meeting a parrot. You get the idea.

Suggest going on a date as soon as you’re comfortable doing so.

When I first started online-dating, I only wanted to physically meet up with someone after we’d chatted via text for at least a few weeks. I wanted to feel fairly certain that this new crush wasn’t a serial killer (or an awful conversationalist) before agreeing to hang out with them. I also wanted to learn enough about them to determine whether I was attracted to them. But I realized pretty fast that you can actually gauge all of these things better in person than you can via text. Even the most suave texter can be horrible in person, or at least just not what you were expecting. Better to find that out sooner than later, I say!

The easiest transition into a date-ask is to bring up an activity or event that the two of you might be interested in checking out together. If they mention they’re into improv, tell them about a specific show that’s coming up and ask if they’d like to go with you. If they say they like cocktails, ask if they’d like a date to that cool new cocktail bar that just opened in your city. Whatever it is, make sure it’s specific and soon, ideally within the next week – any longer and you could lose interest, or they could, or both. If and when the date actually happens, you’ll be able to learn quickly whether this potential relationship is destined to soar or to fall flat.

 

Do you have any rules for yourself when you look for dates/hookups online? What are they?

10 Ways Sex & Hookup Websites Can Be Safer For Women

Kate Sloan

For as much as I talk about dating sites and the hours of amusement they’ve brought me, I don’t actually think they’re that great. They’re too often full of creeps and trolls, seeking to offend and harass more than they’re seeking actual dates or hookups. The situation is dire. Even at times when I’ve been highly motivated to find dates and/or sex on these sites, sometimes I felt cockblocked by my insidious fears about getting catfished or doxxed – or worse, assaulted on a date. It doesn’t have to be this way!

Since so many dating sites and apps are subpar in this area, I’ve put together these 10 suggestions for how these companies can make their services safer and more appealing for women. (A lot of this applies to people other than women as well – anyone vulnerable and/or marginalized, potentially – but I’m a woman so that’s the perspective I’m coming from.) I wish more sites would take these ideas into account!

Comprehensive blocking. I’ve yelled about this before, but… please, please, Hookup Websites, give us a decent blocking feature. You should be able to block someone before you match with them, not just once you’ve already matched (*cough* fuck you Tinder), and once you’ve blocked someone, they should be unable to see any aspect of your profile ever again. This isn’t even that difficult to implement and would make lots of people feel much safer.

A reporting feature that works. If someone is sending unsolicited dick pics, or misogynist screeds, or using pick-up artist tactics, or (god forbid) attacking people on dates, there should be an option to report them on the app or website and have them investigated by a human person (not a robot!) from the platform. If need be, their profile should be pulled. Letting creeps run wild on your site is a surefire way to make women nervous about using it.

Functional filtering. Beyond just making it easier to find compatible dates, this feature can also prevent a lot of scary or annoying situations. I simply don’t want non-feminists to be able to view my profile, let alone interact with me. I’m not saying everyone who rejects the feminist label is dangerous, but certainly in many cases their ideologies are (who the fuck doesn’t want gender equality in this day and age?!), so I just want them gone from my digital life. Nip that “friendly debate” about my personhood in the bud. Byeee.

Identity verification. Okay, this is a controversial one, because some people are understandably skittish about having to upload their ID to a dating site. Some folks even get angry when asked to do so. But I think, provided the data was kept private and managed responsibly (i.e. maybe deleted altogether after verification was complete), it would be worthwhile to make sure people actually are who they’re claiming to be. The internet makes it all too easy to catfish folks, and that’s not cool. Plus I think people would behave better on a platform if they knew it had all their info on file.

Vouching. If you’ve had a good date with someone, maybe you could leave them feedback in the form of a review, like on Yelp, or a rating, like on Uber. Of course, this feature is somewhat objectifying and would likely be abused – I can imagine shitty men leaving bad feedback for women who didn’t “put out” after their date bought them dinner, for example – but it could be useful for shunning creeps.

Taking privacy seriously. I had no idea, for example, when I linked my Instagram account with my Tinder account, that matches and even non-matches would be able to click through to my IG profile and thus immediately learn everything about me; I thought this feature would just show my pictures on my profile. Some dating apps use geolocation, some force you to disclose your school or your workplace, some make you use your real name… All of these “features” are problematic because they put you at risk if someone decides to track you down. Let users decide how much they want to disclose!

Gender self-identification tools. I hear lots of different things from my trans, non-binary, and genderqueer friends about how they wish gender worked on dating sites. However, the common thread seems to be that they wish there were more options rather than less, even if they wouldn’t actually use the options provided. Not every trans woman will feel comfortable disclosing on her profile that she’s trans, for example (especially since doing so often brings on harassment and even violence), but some trans folks prefer to air that stuff upfront so they don’t have to deal with it later. Dating sites should allow for this. In doing so, they’ll also normalize gender disclosure for everyone, not just trans people.

Tools for setting expectations. Many dating sites already have this – but many don’t, and it’s weird! You should always be able to indicate whether you’re looking for something casual, something more serious, either, or something in between. This can help prevent some of the tension that arises when you go on a date with someone whose dating goals end up being different from yours.

Clear community guidelines. I’d rather they be too harsh than too lenient. No unsolicited sexual media, no pick-up tactics, no racism, no sexism, no homophobia, no transphobia, that kind of thing. Setting these boundaries clearly and publicly, and standing by them, would make a company seem more trustworthy to me, and thus more worthy of my patronage.

Investment in sexual health and anti-sexual violence causes. Okay, this one’s more abstract and indirect. But I would definitely trust a hookup platform more if it had made tangible monetary contributions to these causes. Being publicly sex-positive and feminist isn’t just a marketing tactic; it helps establish a culture on the site, and shows abusers and misogynists that they’re not welcome.

What safety features do you wish more dating sites had?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Flag as Kinky on a Dating Site

Kate Sloan

Dating while kinky is hard! The majority of people are vanilla (or think they are), so having BDSM proclivities can narrow your dating pool significantly, especially if your kinks are a crucial part of your sexuality.

However, kinky people have been flagging to find other kinksters since time immemorial, and though online dating sites are a far cry from the cruising parks and leather bars of yore, you can flag there, too. Here are some ways to do that!

Consider a dating site specifically for kinky people

Though they are certainly rarer and smaller than vanilla dating sites, kink-specific hubs – like BDSM Dating Only – are out there and are worth a shot. You’ll have fewer potential matches to choose from, sure, but the ones you can choose from will be more open-minded than the average person when it comes to kinks.

Include visual cues

These are likely to go unnoticed by vanilla viewers, but kinksters will pick up on them right away. For example, you could wear a collar in some of your photos, frame one of them so your prized impact toy collection is visible behind you, or share a photo of you all dressed up at a kink event.

Use kink language

When you describe yourself in your profile, for example, you could note as an aside that you’re “subby,” “sadomasochistically inclined,” “sexually open-minded,” or whatever wording works best for you. You could call yourself a “good girl,” a “leather boots enthusiast,” or “a whiz with a paddle.” Get creative!

Mention kinky interests

Do you like going to munches? Are you passionate about leather culture? Is Mollena Williams-Haas one of your all-time favorite people on this planet? Again, vanilla people will mostly just skip over this information, while kinksters’ ears will perk up immediately. You could also just keep it simple and include the word “kink” in a list of your interests.

Link to kinkier stuff elsewhere

For example, you could provide your FetLife username so potential paramours can go creep your profile and see if you’d be compatible. Or you could link your R-rated Instagram page to your profile, to satisfy curious connoisseurs. Or, if you’re me, you could say, “I write a blog; you can check it out at girlyjuice.net”!

Hint with your media preferences

For example, listing Secretary as one of your favorite movies could raise some eyebrows (just don’t list Fifty Shades – a lot of kinksters hate that franchise, for good reasons!). You could slip The New Topping Book or SM 101 into your “favorite books” section. Mention favorite podcasts like Why Are People Into That? and The Dildorks (hiiii!). Like-minded people will message you in a tizzy about your impeccable taste!

Just say it

It only needs to be one line of your profile – something like “I’m kinky as fuck and ideally looking for a sadistic dominant person,” or “I prefer to take control in the bedroom and am looking to date submissive folks with a masochistic streak.” This approach has the advantage of being amazingly clear, but it may also discourage people who only maybe-sorta identify as kinky, or who find your openness about kink a bit overwhelming. That said, if you know what you want, you may as well come right out and say it!

How do you like to flag as kinky on dating sites?

 

Heads up: this post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Disclose Your Non-Monogamy on a Dating App

Kate Sloan

While I’ve been “non-monogamous in theory” for years, I have limited experience being non-monogamous in practice. I recently started dating someone who has been polyamorous for a while, and has two steady partners other than me – and while it’s been difficult, I’m viewing it as an invitation to step up to the plate and take on the challenge I’ve claimed to want for ages. I am finally going to learn some real-life poly skills and see if I can hack it.

One of the first challenges I’ve come up against – other than my old friends, jealousy, greed, and anxiety – is figuring out how to pursue other dates ethically and honestly. I don’t want to downplay or lie about the existence of my boyfriend, but I also don’t want to make new potential beaux feel like there’s no room for them in my life. I don’t want to spend too much time and energy explaining polyamory to diehard monogamists, nor do I want to exclude people who’ve been monogamous thus far but are curious about their other options.

So many considerations! So let’s start with something small: how to communicate on your dating profile that you are, indeed, polyamorous. Here are some suggestions…

Choose your venue wisely. OkCupid and Tinder are full of young and/or socially liberal people, so you may have better luck with those than you would with services geared toward older folks seeking a marriage-track relationship, like Match and eHarmony. If you want to skip the hassle of disclosing your non-monogamy altogether, you could join a dating site designed specifically for non-monogamous people, like SwingTowns.

Consider what level of privacy you need. Whether because of your career, your family, or some other factor, you might not feel comfortable telling the entire internet that you’re non-monogamous. If that’s the case, it might be best for you to use dating sites where your profile isn’t publicly visible, or that have that option (on OkCupid, for example, you can check “Only allow other members to see my profile” in the settings panel). You could also try mentioning your relationship status within your first few messages instead of disclosing it publicly on your profile, though this is likely to be a lot of extra work on your part when monogamous folks decide to respectfully (or not-so-respectfully) ghost you afterward.

Use the app’s built-in relationship status feature, if it has one. Some dating sites allow you to set your relationship status alongside other relevant info like your gender and sexual orientation. Indicating your non-monogamous status makes it easier for monogamous people to filter you out of their search results, and communicates your “deal” to any profile-lurkers at a glance. However, some people don’t read this info (and some dating apps, like Tinder, don’t even have a structured way for you to provide it), so you may still need to do the legwork of explaining yourself in messages after all.

List your important identities upfront. Lots of people I asked on Twitter said this is their main strategy in online-dating while poly: they roll out their most vital identity words in the opening paragraph(s) of their profile. This might look a lot like my current Twitter bio: “Cis bi kinky non-monogamous femme feminist.” I think these are all important things for people to know, especially if they’re considering dating me. Front-loading this info makes it likelier that your potential paramours will actually read it, and will hopefully spare you some grief and lots of time and energy.

Define your terms. Some people don’t have a precise idea of what “polyamorous” means (let alone other non-monogamy terms like “swinger,” “polyfidelity,” “solo poly” or “primary partner”), so it’s helpful to explain exactly what you mean. For example, my Tinder bio currently includes this: “I’m poly: dating someone rad, and looking for dates/adventures/potential relationships with other cuties.” This hopefully reduces some of the stigma, anxiety, and confusion that might fill someone’s head when they read the word “poly” and aren’t sure what it means. It’s a succinct summary of how I am currently doing poly, and what that might mean for my partners.

Be prepared to explain yourself. Even if you think you’ve been clear in your profile text, folks still might have additional questions. Of course, you don’t have to answer missives you find rude, invasive, or exhausting – but it is part of ethical non-monogamy to ensure people know what they’re getting into before they get into it. (Informed, enthusiastic consent, and all that!) These convos might happen in your first few messages, or on your first few dates, but they should happen at some point. Set boundaries, establish expectations, talk about feelings. It’s all part of the process!

Unmatch ruthlessly as needed. Some people will be jerks about you being non-monogamous. That’s just a fact of life as any kind of “sexual deviant,” unfortunately. But you don’t have to put up with it. Hit “unmatch” or “block” or “report” or whatever the site-specific equivalent is, and move on with your day. Fuck the haterz.

Non-monogamous folks: what are your best tips for disclosing and discussing your non-monogamy on a dating site/app? Got any horror stories or success stories to share?

Heads up: this post was sponsored, and as always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Deal With Pre-Date Nervousness

Kate Sloan

Oh, I can just picture it now. It’s almost every first date I’ve ever been on. My anxiety swells. My heart pounds. I obsess about my outfit, hair, and makeup – like I’m trying to dress as a “cool girl” for Halloween. I debate whether to text my date upon leaving the house; maybe a “See you soon!” text isn’t chill enough, but maybe radio silence is too cold. So many choices!

As I walk up to the bar, my mind races. What if we start talking and he mentions that he thinks feminism is a waste of time? What if he only wants to “find some easy pussy” or “grab local slags here” and doesn’t actually find me interesting at all? What if – horror of horrors – he thinks Adam Sandler is funny?!

The thing is, while my anxiety disorder runs me through the wringer before every date, it doesn’t have to. The dates themselves are never as bad as I worry they will be – and this whole nervous rigamarole could be avoided, or at least mitigated, if I had a great pre-date ritual solidly in place. Here are 10 of my best tips for shaking your jitters before you walk out the door to meet a new potential beau!

Have some go-to date outfits on hand. This just makes everything so much easier. Prepare a “uniform” of sorts (or a few different ones) that you can grab in a hurry when getting ready for a date, so you won’t have to waste precious mental energy on outfit composition. Oh, the geeky sartorial bliss of it!

This ensemble should have a silhouette that flatters your shape and makes you feel babely as hell, and maybe one or two “conversation pieces” – unusual garments or accessories that a date is sure to ask about. (“Oh, this old thing? I bought this from a loud, flirty man on a beach in Gozo just before we leapt into the Mediterranean sea…!”)

If you want to get extra nerdy about it, you can have different date uniforms for different types of dates. For example, I’ll often wear a low-cut dress and a cardigan if I’m going on a fancy dinner date, or a tank top tucked into a skirt if we’re just ducking into a dive bar. If you show up at your date feeling hot and neither overdressed nor underdressed, you’ll have won half the battle already!

Listen to great music. So basic, yet so effective. I have a Spotify playlist of all my favorite pump-up tunes – mostly a lot of up-tempo pop and hiphop – and it helps ease me into a foxy, energetic brainspace. I love to shimmy into my panties and stockings to a sexy Drake jam, bop around doing my eyeshadow while One Direction croon at me, and fluff up my hair while Frank Sinatra sings compliments in my ear. Ah, what a dream.

Prep your bod. Whatever body-prep makes you feel attractive, desirable, and ready for sex (if that’s a potential item on your to-do list for the evening), do that. For me, this would involve showering, shaving, and moisturizing. When I’m all clean, smooth, and soft, I feel practically unconquerable.

Breathe. “Fear is just excitement without the breath,” according to psychotherapist Fritz Perls. I don’t know how much of this is hippie-dippie psychosomatic silliness versus an actual effective treatment (and, let’s be real, sometimes they are one and the same), but I find breathing deeply helps circulate my anxious energy all around my body and thereby diffuse it. Shallow, fast breaths are a classic sign of anxiety; you can trick yourself into calming down by elongating and deepening your breath. Oxygenate your body and brain!

Load up on conversation-starters. My conversational skills drastically improved when I went to journalism school, and I’m convinced it was partly because I had to read the news so often at that time, so I had plenty to talk about! Still to this day, before a date, I’ll take a look at trending stories before heading out the door (if I haven’t already encountered them that day on Twitter or in podcasts I listen to), so that if my date’s discussion skills leave something to be desired, I can pull out a fascinating new topic at a moment’s notice.

You can also glance at their online-dating profile again (if that’s where you met them) and mentally note a few points to ask them about. (“I see you went to school for English lit; how does that help you in your current job?” “You said you like The Office, but what did you think of the finale?” “Is that dog in your profile picture yours?!”)

Tell a friend what you’re up to. Before leaving on a date, I like to text the following info to a friend: my suitor’s full name (if I know it), phone number, any other relevant info I know about them (what they do, where they live, and so on), where and when I am meeting them, and what time I anticipate I’ll be home. I’ve been lucky enough that a date has never made me feel unsafe, but it certainly helps my anxiety if I know I have safety measures in place. And if the date’s not dangerous but just boring or awful, you can have your friend call you and fake an emergency you need to go attend to immediately.

Channelling my inner pinup girl.

Choose an alter-ego. This is not to say you should be inauthentic on your date, of course – but pretending you’re someone else can help you play up the best parts of your personality while banishing the parts that hold you back.

Sometimes I like to pretend I’m Amanda Palmer, Zooey Deschanel, or Rosa Diaz. How would they get ready for a date? How would they walk into a room? How would they greet a person they found attractive? Usually I hold my “character” in mind for the first little while, just until I get settled, and then I cast ’em off and let the real me shine through, unencumbered by anxiety.

Remind yourself what a catch you are. Glance at your most smokin’ selfies. Look through compliments people have given you in the past (I keep a file of mine!). Think about the best dates/makeouts/sex you’ve had, and remember that you are, at least partially, what made those experiences so fantastic!

This kind of mental reflection – whether you do it in a journal, out loud to a friend, or just in your head – can also help you get some perspective. This probably isn’t the last or most important date you’ll ever go on. If it doesn’t go well, it isn’t the end of the world. There are so many more people out there, and so many more experiences you’re gonna have. Go into every date with the attitude that it’ll be a fun adventure, and anything else that comes of it will just be a bonus.

Admit to your nervousness! This can be super charming and disarming in some contexts. If you and your date exchange some texts before meeting up, maybe tell them you’re a bit nervous because you find them so cute. Or, after you’ve showed up and talked for a few minutes, you could mention, “I get so nervous about first dates!” Good people will often try to reassure you when you make admissions like this – and at the very least, you’ve just backhandedly confessed that you find them attractive. Everyone wants to feel attractive. See – nervousness can be a plus!

What are your favorite tricks for mitigating pre-date jitters?

 

This post was sponsored, and as always, all writing and opinions are my own!