plastic

Review: Fun Factory G4 Patchy Paul

Kate Sloan

Vibrators don’t really excite me that much anymore. I’ve tried so many, and sometimes it feels like they’re all the same. Y’know?

But the Patchy Paul definitely excited me. After it spent months languishing in my wishlist, I finally decided to snap it up… and it delivered.

Fun Factory, particularly their line of G4 vibrators, is known for reeeeally intense and rumbly vibrations. This is not your mama’s vibrator (well, maybe it should be, because she would probably like it too!). This is a badass creation filled with pleasure potential.

Sometimes people ask me, “What can I get that has the power of a Hitachi without the dependence on an electrical outlet?” That’s a very tall order, and I’m not convinced that anything really fits the bill, but probably the closest is either a large Smart Wand or a G4 vibe. If your favorite masturbation accoutrements are slightly reminiscent of a jackhammer, you’ll love the motor in any G4 toy.

But why specifically the Patchy Paul? I chose it because I like texture, but not an insane amount of texture, and I also appreciate some G-spot lovin’. The Paul looks like a caterpillar, with a body that strokes your vaginal walls and a head that nuzzles your G-spot. It even has a little face – perfect for all you caterpillar fetishists out there. (Kidding. Those people aren’t reading this; they’re off looking at a nature blog somewhere. Duh.)

The Patchy Paul is rechargeable, 100% waterproof, and made of body-safe plastic and silicone. The only thing I don’t dig about it is that the vibrations are focused toward the middle of the shaft, not the tip of the toy where they ought to be… but they’re so strong that it doesn’t really affect my experience. I can use this toy vaginally or clitorally and either way, it rocks my ladyparts’ world.

The Patchy Paul has now officially become my favorite G-spot vibrator, right up there with the Lelo Mona. If you can get past its creepy caterpillar face, the two of you might end up being very happy together.

Review: Lelo Siri

Kate Sloan

I’m a Lelo fangirl. (What sex toy reviewer isn’t, though?) My first-ever luxury sex toy was the Nea; it served me well until I discovered stronger, rumblier vibes and decided to give my unsatisfying Nea away to a friend. I also own the Mia, Mona, Tiani, and Ella, all of which are, if not great, then at least beautiful and luxurious.

My latest Lelo acquisition is the Siri, and it is – dare I say it? – maybe my favorite of the bunch.

When Lelo first launched Siri, they marketed it as the strongest vibrator they had ever made. They’re not exactly known for the power of their toys, but this was still an intriguing claim. Could there finally be a toy that truly possessed the holy duality of power and glamor?

Yes. It exists. And it’s spectacular.

The Siri comes in three colors: red, pink, and purple. I picked red, because there are enough pink and purple vibrators out there, dammit. It’s really sweet-looking; it’s often been said that Lelo’s products look like what would happen if Apple tried to take on the sex toy market (funny, given the whole “Siri” thing), and this is certainly true of Siri. It’s made of smooth, shiny ABS plastic, and the part that’ll be touching your vulva is covered in a layer of silky silicone.

As with most Lelo toys, it has four buttons: two of them control the intensity of the vibrations, and the other two control the modes, which range from standard pulses and waves to a really weird song-like pattern that goes all over the place. I like the modes, but it’s annoying that they don’t loop around once you get to the last one – you have to scroll back through them if you want to get to the first one again.

All the times that I’ve picked up a Siri in a sex shop and felt its vibrations, I’ve thought, “Yeah, this is strong, but it’s not that strong.” It didn’t seem likely to rock my world. But the shape of the Siri, and the way the vibrations are located at the surface rather than being buried inside, make all the difference. This is how efficiently these vibrations are placed: I’ve never needed to use the highest setting of this toy. I seem to always get off around setting 6 or 7, rather than going all the way up to 10. Amazing.

When testing the Siri, I spent a lot of time mentally comparing it to the We-Vibe Tango, my other favorite clitoral vibe. The Tango is definitely much stronger and rumblier, but all that power is concentrated into only four possible speeds. Many times, I’ve moved up to the next speed on the Tango and found that it felt too strong. I got overstimulated and needed to back off. The Siri’s settings move up much more gradually, so I can get exactly as much power as I need at any given moment; no more, no less. (The Tango is absolutely the better choice if you’re a Hitachi girl, though.)

The only real downside to the Siri is that it’s not waterproof. It’s not even splashproof. This is a tragedy. Lelo recently re-designed some of their line to be completely waterproof, and I’m really hoping that Siri gets a similar overhaul. It’s disappointing that a toy so expensive would be so lacking in this way.

But overall? I’m in love with Siri. It has charmed the hell out of my clit. It’s small, strong, quiet, intuitive, ergonomic, beautiful, reliable, and portable. I wish I could kiss the Lelo design team, because they really know what’s up.

Review: Sqweel 2

Kate Sloan

I have been excited about the Sqweel for a long, long time. Ever since it won a Lovehoney design competition years ago and they began marketing it as the first real oral sex simulator, I knew I had to have it. Sex toy obsession, meet my cunnilingus obsession.

Of course, I doubted it would really feel like oral sex. Especially since my boyfriend is a fucking cunnilingus master. He has studied my body and my responses and has honed his technique to the point where receiving oral is practically a spiritual experience for me. He always gives me a lot of variety while he’s teasing me up the hill toward my orgasm, but then he also knows exactly what methodical rhythm and circular motion I need in order to come. He’s a vagina genius – a vagenius, if you will. So how could a toy possibly compare with that?

It doesn’t. No toy will ever be as good as being tended to by a skilled and caring lover. But the Sqweel 2 is still worth getting if you like oral.

You might recall seeing the original Sqweel around the blogosphere a few years back. It was a simple design – a matte black disc-shaped case which snapped open to reveal ten flapping tongues on a three-speed rotating wheel. The second incarnation of the Sqweel has the same premise and mechanism, but it’s been updated: it has a stronger motor (apparently), a glossier case, a reverse function, and a “flicker” mode. Nifty.

My first warning about using the Sqweel: have lube on hand. Lots of it. If you’re not prepared to use a lot of lube every time you use this toy, then don’t even bother. Who likes getting slapped by dry, draggy tongues? Not me. Not you, either, I’m guessing.

Second warning: this toy will never work for you if you like pressure. It slows down rather pathetically when any significant amount of pressure is applied. I think the Sqweel could be a potential solution for women who find themselves too dependent on pressure and vibration to get off, as it might be able to help them ease their way out of “female death grip syndrome” – but if you need pressure and have no desire to change that, the Sqweel will not be your cup of tea.

And a few more warnings before we get to the good stuff: the Sqweel is loud and thus not very discreet, it takes three AAA batteries, and it’s not waterproof, as much as I’d love it to be.

Because I had heard so many mixed reviews of the Sqweel, I assumed I’d dislike it. And at first, I did. I lubed up my clit, held the toy to it, and turned it on – and it felt sort of blah. Ten silicone tongues flapping against my sensitive bits? So what?

But when I gave it time to do its thing, it built me up slowly to an orgasm that ended up being big and intense and shuddering, similar to the orgasms I experience from actual oral sex.

I picked up a couple of the alternative silicone wheels sold for the Sqweel, called Sqweelers. They’re for those of us who don’t like the standard “tongues” insert, or just want some variety. One of them is called the Wave, and it has little tiny tongues in the middle and two thin flaps, one on each side. This one looks weird when it’s not in use, but when it’s lubed and spinning on my clit, it actually feels like someone’s sucking me. Do you realize how amazing that is?!

The other Sqweeler I bought is called the Pearl. It has nubs on either side and a series of larger nubs or bumps in the middle. In use, this one feels like longer, firmer licks, the kind someone gives you when they’re trying to make you beg. And on the higher speeds, it feels like fast firm licks – perfect for sending me over the edge.

I find the original tongues insert is great for teasing and build-up, and so is the Wave insert. I can get off with all three of them easily, but the Pearl brings the most satisfying orgasms because it seems to apply the most pressure to my clit. The other two inserts just give up and keep on flappin’ when my clit is most in need of pressure, but the Pearl feels perfect while I’m coming.

The Sqweel’s three speeds are generally sufficient. There are times when I wish there was a fourth speed, but keep in mind: this toy doesn’t vibrate, so it’s not going to numb you out. I find that this lack of numbness means I’ll always be able to come eventually, even if I have to hang out on the highest speed for quite a while. (And honestly, that’s the way my body works when I’m receiving real oral sex, too, so whatever.)

So does the Sqweel 2 serve as a suitable replacement for an orally gifted partner? Hell naw, nothing does. But it’s still a wonderfully unique toy that gets me off and feels fantastic. I find myself actively craving it pretty often these days, which I have to assume is a good sign.

Thanks so much to Sex Toys Canada for hooking me up with this great toy!

Review: We-Vibe Tango

Kate Sloan

I didn’t think much of We-Vibe’s line of clitoral vibrators when I first saw them. They’re the size of regular bullet vibes, which are so dime-a-dozen and unremarkable that many sex toy companies even give them away for free with pricier purchases. It was this video by Dodson and Ross that changed my mind – they claimed that their We-Vibe Tango rivaled the Hitachi in power. And it’s rechargeable. And waterproof. So I decided I needed one.

As for those claims about the Tango’s vibration strength – they are not inflated. At least, not by much. I did my research, and the Hitachi’s lower speed – considered too high by many – is 5000 RPM (rotations per minute), whereas the Tango’s highest speed is 4800. RPM refers to rumbliness (lower is rumblier, higher is buzzier), not actual motor strength, but keep in mind that rumbly vibes often feel stronger than buzzy ones, even when they’re not, because the rumbles penetrate deeper into the clitoral network. The Tango has oomph that only a devotee of the Hitachi or Wahl would scoff at (and even those folks should consider a Tango for when they go traveling and don’t want to lug a big electric massager with them). This sucker is really fucking strong and impressively low-pitched, so I feel it deep inside my vulva, not just on the surface of my clit.

My Tango is a pretty shade of powder blue. We-Vibe takes risks with their colour schemes, stocking “traditional” sex toy hues like pink along with less traditional ones like teal, red, and white. The word “Tango” is subtly embossed at the bottom of the toy. Though this vibe is made of hard plastic, not usually my favorite material for sex toys, it feels very well-made and high-quality.

The Tango and the other We-Vibe clit toys, Salsa and Touch, all have the same motor but each offer different options in terms of shape. When choosing which one you want, it’s a good idea to look at your current favorite clit toys and figure out which you prefer: a traditional rocket-like bullet shape (Salsa), a flat lipstick-like tip (Tango), or a pointed tip and/or scoop shape (Touch). I decided to go for the Tango because my clit really digs the flat tip of my Lelo Mia but has found the Mia too weak sometimes. The Tango solves that problem easily and is exactly what I wanted.

In addition to four steady speeds that range in power from “kinda strong” to “practically Hitachi strong,” the Tango has four vibration patterns. Two of them, the rhythmic “cha-cha” and annoying pulse, do little to nothing for me. But the other two are pretty cool. The “wave” pattern goes up and down gradually and smoothly in a roller coaster-like way, making me feel like I’m almost going to come and then backing off again like a devilish lover. The “tease” pattern is made up of several long pulses followed by a series of shorter ones, and I find it maddening in the best possible way.

As I mentioned, the Tango is waterproof (it charges magnetically, so you don’t have to worry about any water getting into a charging port), and wonderfully, water doesn’t weaken its vibrations. Sadly, pressure does. I find that, as with my Eroscillator, I get the best mileage out of Tango’s power if I hold it lightly on my clit. Pressure-lovers will find this to be a dealbreaker but I think it feels just as good.

Remember when I said the Tango is far superior to the Lelo Mia? It is, except for one thing: Mia can be locked for travel. I would love to be able to keep the Tango in my bag at all times in case of a sudden arousal emergency, but I’d be too paranoid that it would turn on accidentally, especially since turning it on is as easy as pressing its button once.

Speaking of the button… Whyyyy is there only one?! I realize they’ve done that to preserve space and make the toy as uncluttered as possible, but it’s obnoxious sometimes. I don’t always want to have to cycle through all the patterns to get back to my preferred steady speed.

One final issue: my Tango has a small white bump on its tip. I know this isn’t a fluke because I’ve seen a few other reviews mention the same defect. I use the flat part of the Tango on my clit, not the pointed tip, so I have yet to hurt myself on the bump, but this is something We-Vibe should work to improve in future batches.

Do you hate most small clit vibes because they’re not strong enough? Do you wish there was a decently powerful alternative to those stupid watch-battery bullet vibes that you can stick in the base of your strap-on dildos? Do you want a toy that will get you off in the bath or on vacation? Do you need your vibrators to be quiet and discreet? If you answered yes to any of those questions, get the Tango or its sister, the Salsa. Your clit deserves some rumbly lovin’.