self-care

How I Track & Manage My Chronic Illness Symptoms in a Bullet Journal

Kate Sloan

I’ve long admired bullet journaling as a practice – like the art journaling and planner collage I did as a teen, it’s a way of making the everyday into something visually appealing and memorable. Life itself feels more beautiful, I find, when you document it in a beautiful way.

I was recently hit by a deep and recurring urge to return to this style of creative documentation. But, in particular, I’d been wanting to find a more concrete way of tracking my chronic illness symptoms. In seeking a diagnosis (which I’d been doing for over six years with no luck thus far), it can be helpful to have cold hard numbers to show to a doctor, so they can get a sense of how serious and ongoing the problem is. I’d experimented with symptom-tracking apps, spreadsheets, and digital notes, but had found it difficult to use these consistently enough to gather any real data. It was time for a physical solution.

While I no longer do much writing with an actual pen on actual paper, I’ve known for a long time that it can help unlock things in the mind that would’ve remained unexplored if you’d stayed in a digital medium. There are numerous scientists who have opinions on why this is; there are also cultural commentators, like Tom Hanks and John Mayer in the documentary California Typewriter, with their own views on why physically scrawling or hammering out a piece of writing can feel better and produce better results than digital alternatives. I doubt this is true for everyone, but it’s certainly true for me. All attempts I’ve made to journal on a computer, for example, left me feeling unable to dive as deep emotionally as I tend to when I let my thoughts meander through a notebook on my lap.

So I figured a similar principle might apply for tracking my various symptoms, remedies, ups and downs. I bought a bright yellow Leuchtturm1917 dotted journal (widely considered the best choice for bullet journaling aficionados) and some colored pens and highlighters, and got to work building my setup.

I should say upfront, what I’m doing is a very loose interpretation of what “bullet journaling” actually means. I’ve also pulled a number of ideas from various sources I found through Pinterest. Let’s talk about 3 of the main tools I use in my journal to help track and assuage my chronic illness symptoms:

Habit tracker on weekly spread

Lots of people do a “weekly spread” in their bullet journals, where they lay out the days of the week like a traditional planner, and write their commitments and appointments on the corresponding days. I got inspired by some of the journalers I saw online who were doing habit trackers as part of their weekly spread, so I decided to start doing my own.

Basically this is just a table with a list of habits I want to instill on the Y axis and the days of the week on the X axis. When I successfully do one of the things on my habit list, I fill in the square for that habit on that day. Pretty simple.

However, I continue to find it astonishing how motivating this practice is for me. The satisfaction of coloring in a part of the table and seeing the page get gradually more colorful… The ability to see, at a glance, whether I was good or less good at self-care during a particular week… The ability to triumphantly text my partner a photo of the days when I complete all of my habits… It’s all lovely.

I love that I can change up which habits I’m prioritizing from week to week; for example, if I’m having an active psoriasis flare-up, I’ll add “apply psoriasis lotion” to my habits list. The habits on my current page are: sunshine (get outside/feel the sun on my face), exercise, supplements, reading (at least 20+ minutes; must be a book, not an article or blog post), brush & floss, and intentional joy. That last one is the vaguest, but basically I’d define it as taking some time out of my day to deliberately experience something that makes me happy, whether that’s laughing my ass off at a Netflix comedy special, having a decadent jerk-off session in the afternoon, or cuddling my roommate’s cats while telling them how pretty they are.

I’ve genuinely gotten much better about sticking to these habits since I started tracking them in a journal. Would recommend!

Monthly health notes page

At the start of every month, I divide one page into 3 columns – pain, brain, and miscellaneous – and number the days of the month on the left side of the page. Then I make notes throughout the month about which symptoms I noticed and when.

This is fantastically useful for so many reasons. It gives me a record that a doctor might find useful. It gives me a clearer picture of how my menstrual cycle affects my symptoms. I can cross-reference this page with my habit tracker to see how various habits affect the way I feel.

In fact, I recently did exactly that, when I started having scary heart palpitations a couple days a week or so. I looked at my health notes and my habit tracker and discovered that the days my heart went haywire were all days that I had ingested both caffeine and a red panax ginseng supplement I’d recently started on. I did some research and found out that ginseng is known to increase heart rate for some folks – and of course, so is caffeine. I also found out through research that the antidepressant I’m on, Wellbutrin, increases some users’ sensitivity to caffeine. With all of this information available to me, I was able to make the decision to stop taking the ginseng supplement and limit my caffeine intake going forward. My heart palpitations haven’t returned since I did that.

I also like that the health tracker page gives me a place to brain-dump any random symptoms I might be experiencing that my hypochondriac brain thinks might be perilous. Looking back on this page helps me see that most of the stuff I was worried about turned out to be nothing (or, sometimes, turned out to be anxiety-related).

Self-care bingo

I read about this in a bullet journaling blog post and loved the idea immediately. Self-care is definitely an area where I need as much help as I can get, being a depressed and anxious workaholic prone to destructively high expectations for myself. I liked the thought of “gamifying” my self-care to make me more motivated to actually do it.

At the start of each month, I draw out a 6×6 bingo board and fill in each square with something specific that I want to do to reduce my stress level and increase my joy quotient. Some of the things repeat from month to month because they work consistently for me – like “take a bath” or “no social media for 3 hours” – while some get changed up.

This spread gives me permission to be nice to myself; self-care feels “productive” because I know I get to fill in a little square on my bingo board after I do it. As a person who has often beat herself up for reading or playing video games because those activities “weren’t productive,” I know that I struggle to do things just for the pleasure of doing them; there’s almost always some guilt and/or shame attached to that for me. I’m working on it in therapy (among other things), but until I figure out a better way to deal with that problem, this self-care bingo thing seems like a great stopgap.

 

Have you ever used a bullet journal to track or mitigate your chronic illness symptoms?

Lashing Out: How False Eyelashes Brighten My Life

Kate Sloan

The coronavirus crisis has a way of stripping us of our ability to access our most basic coping mechanisms, while simultaneously giving us a lot we need to cope with. I feel like I’m stuck between a vaccine and a hard place.

What would I do if I was having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, pre-COVID? I would go to the theatre (can’t do that anymore), or go read my book in a dark bar somewhere (can’t do that either), or go see family (can’t do that unless I’m very, very careful). It sucks knowing what could comfort you and not having access to it, to state something incredibly obvious that we’ve all had to deal with in some form for months.

One of my many COVID-cancelled coping mechanisms is doing my makeup. Sure, if I’m in the mood to do a full face, I could always just hang around at home afterward and post selfies, or I could focus on eyeshadow, eyeliner, and eyebrows to make sure my look is visible even when my mask is on. Early in quarantine, I even bought some colorful new MAC eyeshadows to tide me over until anyone outside my bubble could admire my lipstick again.

But it just didn’t feel like enough. Eyeshadow is time-consuming – all that blending takes me ages! – and the effect ultimately just isn’t as starkly glamorous as a bold red lip. It’s also not as versatile – I firmly believe bright lipstick can be a great addition to any outfit, while elaborate eyeshadow looks have a way of seeming over-the-top and out of place in daytime or casual contexts (at least, that’s what I think). Far too often during quarantine, craving a cosmetic pick-me-up but lacking enough time or emotional wherewithal to prime my eyelids and carefully blend several different shades of eyeshadow for 10-15 minutes, I would just give up, throw on my mask over my bare face, and call it a day.

Of course, as I’m sure you know if makeup is a central part of your self-presentation like it is for me, it can feel pretty shitty to have to be out in the world when your outsides are out of step with your insides. (Obviously lots of other kinds of people experience variations of this feeling, including trans people. If I’m whining about not being able to wear lipstick visibly in public, I literally can’t imagine how awful gender dysphoria must be.) At grocery stores, liquor stores, and the bank, I’d find myself wanting to tell everyone – in the immortal words of Mary Tyler Moore – “I usually look so much better than this!!”

However, then I discovered the wonders of false eyelashes. After shying away from them for years because of how difficult and annoying it seemed to wear and apply them, I finally decided to take the leap. I ordered a couple of inexpensive Sephora-brand pairs of lashes, some lash glue, and a tweezers-esque lash applicator. When they arrived, I watched some of my favorite beauty YouTubers’ instructional videos on applying falsies, and gave it a shot.

I’m not gonna lie: it is difficult. It’s one of the fiddliest, most intricate skills I’ve ever had to learn in my decade+ of doing my own makeup – although I suppose I probably felt that way about winged eyeliner and eyeshadow application a few years back. With lashes, though, there’s the added pressure of time – you only have a limited window between when the lash glue gets tacky enough to stick to your lids and when it’s dried too much to allow for adjustments. It’s like a nervewracking game from some high-pressure high-femme game show that should definitely exist if it doesn’t already.

But once I got the hang of it, I was immediately in love. False eyelashes completely transform your face. They can make you feel like a glamorous alien in one fell swoop. I always feel like a cartoon character in mine, batting my eyes flirtatiously at anyone (or no one) without even meaning to, like a queer tattooed Jessica Rabbit.

Best of all, lashes are just as impactful when you’re wearing a mask. In fact, they might even be moreso, because when you’re talking to someone who has a mask on, their eyes are kind of the only thing you can look at. And while it does take a few minutes to put them on, I’m getting faster at it each time I practice, and it doesn’t require a plethora of different products like eyeshadow does. I don’t even necessarily need the fancy tool I bought – more often than not, I use my fingers instead, especially as I’ve gotten more confident with the placement.

Lashes are truly one of the fastest, easiest ways to feel like a complete glamourpuss. On the first day I wore them, I was sporting a casual T-shirt and lounge pants, with no makeup on my face – and when I had to answer the door for a mail delivery, I wasn’t even embarrassed to be seen like that, as I normally might have been. My lashes made me seem like I had put effort into my look, even though I barely had. They are exactly the flashy femme self-care tool I was looking for.

I’m not saying false eyelashes are right for everyone. They’re challenging and cumbersome and often very weird. But I’m so glad I took a chance on them, after believing I would be hopelessly inept at using them. Like so many fashion and beauty risks I’ve taken over the years, I had no idea how amazing they would make me feel until I gathered the courage to put them on.

The Best Thing to Do After a Breakup (According to Me)

Kate Sloan

Don’t be alarmed: my partner and I did not break up. I just felt like writing about breakups today!

Several friends of mine have been through breakups recently, and I feel for them. While offering unsolicited advice to a heartbroken person is a grade-A shithead move, occasionally pals will ask me for guidance when going through romantic turmoil (perhaps because I’ve been dumped so many times?!), and my favorite suggestion to offer is this: make a list of all the reasons your ex, and your relationship with them, was not actually ideal for you, and reflect on what that means for you and your future.

You have to pick the right moment for this, and that’ll depend on your personal psychology. Try to do it too soon after the event and you’ll find yourself at a loss for words, weeping into your notebook as you gasp toward the sky, “But they were perfect for me!!” (They were not.) Wait too long to do it, and it won’t be as effective – or you won’t have mental access to the clear memories you need to do this exercise. I think, depending on what kind of breakup it was and how you’re feeling, the best time to do this is after the initial grief-level agony has settled a bit – which could be a few hours, a few days, or maybe a week – but before the pain fully dies down to a numb, muffled throb. If your heart still hurts but not so much that you can’t focus on a book or a TV show, you’re probably in a good spot to do this.

I originally got this suggestion from a friend-of-a-friend named Nora when I was writing an article on breakups for a copywriting internship and polled my Facebook friends for their best breakup advice. This is what she wrote: “Make a list of reasons why they weren’t a good fit. Make a list of things you can now feel free to do or are excited to try. Refer to them when sad.”

I’ve since done this not only to ease the pain of a breakup but also to ease the pain of unrequited love, or just small sexual rejections that stung. It could be considered a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy, in that it serves to unmask your erroneous assumptions about the person who broke your heart – namely, that they were perfect and that no one else you date in the future will ever be better. Trust me, no matter how good you think the relationship was, neither of those things are true.

Making this exercise into a ceremonious ritual improves its effects greatly, I find. Here’s the step-by-step process I suggest:

  1. Set aside some time for your ceremony. Give yourself at least an hour of peace and quiet (door locked, calendar cleared, phone off, to-do list set aside) because, even if the exercise itself doesn’t take nearly that long, you’re gonna need time to sit with your feelings, cry, breathe, process, etc.
  2. Pick your medium: do you want to physically write out your list, or type it up? I always prefer to write mine by hand because it takes longer so I have more time to think about what I’m committing to paper. It also feels more cathartic to me than keying some words into a text doc. But hey, you do you. Whatever medium you pick, make it feel fancy and special somehow for yourself – that could mean a beautiful pen and elegant notebook, or a full-screened writing app with your device set to “do not disturb,” or even a creaky old typewriter dusted off for the occasion.
  3. First, list things you don’t like about your ex. You really don’t need to judge or censor yourself while you write these. It is totally okay if you write down stuff you would otherwise consider petty bullshit, like that he can’t seem to scrub a dirty dish to save his life or that she was always late for dates. The point is to get it all out there – and maybe make yourself laugh a little in the process. If you get stuck and need help, text a friend who always seemed to low-key (or high-key) hate your partner while you were dating them… They’ve probably got some stuff stuck in their craw that they’d be happy to share.
  4. Next, list things you didn’t like about the relationship. This is slightly different than your most-loathed qualities of the person, because they themselves could be wonderful but just terribly suited to you. Did your kinks not quite match up? Did you both tend to get snippy when you were stressed out? Did their schedule not allow much time for you? Did you constantly bicker about what kind of takeout to get for dinner? No matter how big or how small, write these things down. Take as long as you need.
  5. Finally, list some things you’re excited to do now that the relationship is over. Maybe you can date and fuck other people now, sure – but you can also do tiny acts of victorious rebellion like eat your ex’s least-favorite food any time you want, wear those shorts she thought were undignified, or blast the death-metal albums he couldn’t stand. This part of the exercise works best if you can make concrete plans to do some of these things in the near future – so maybe text a friend to ask if they’d like to go for absinthe cocktails the likes of which would’ve nauseated your ex on sight, or ask your mom if she’d like to get together next weekend to watch that slapstick comedy your ex thought was dumb. This is about not only looking for the silver linings of your situation but also giving yourself things to look forward to.
  6. If you want to make this all feel more real and final, read your lists aloud in whatever way feels best to you. Sometimes I choke mine out softly between sobs and wails of despair; sometimes I wipe my tears away and perform a zany dramatic reading to myself in the mirror. Put the words out into the world, listen to them, feel them wash over you, feel how true they are.
  7. Don’t forget to give yourself aftercare, because this process is intense. Ideally prep this beforehand so you’ll have self-soothing supplies on hand when you need them. Hydrate (especially if you’ve been crying), eat a snack or a meal, text/call/hang out with someone who loves you, read a beloved book in the bath, put on a cute outfit and makeup, watch a Pixar movie, masturbate wildly… You know yourself best, so you likely know what you’ll need at this juncture.
  8. Perhaps most crucially, refer to your lists as needed in the future, when heartbreak rears its ugly head once more. It’s normal and natural for grief to wrack you in waves, often unexpectedly – and when it does, you’ll be able to combat it by re-reading your lists to remind yourself why the breakup was actually a good thing. You may even want to make a recording of yourself (or your best friend) reading the lists aloud, so you can keep it on your phone and listen to it whenever a stab of anguish hits you right in the chest while you’re out running errands or riding the subway.

That’s it! This process won’t heal your heartbreak immediately or single-handedly, but I’ve found it extremely useful every time I’ve employed it. Like a decidedly sadder version of rose-colored glasses, recent rejection can make you apt to idealize your ex and rationalize away their flaws – so keeping those flaws close to you, explicitly spelled out for easier perusal, can work magic. “This too shall pass” is a cliché for a reason: sooner or later, it always does.

15 Ways to Take Yourself on a Date During COVID Times

Kate Sloan
Pictured drinking a martini on the roadside patio at the Queen & Beaver.

I’m a long-standing proponent of the self-date, but a pandemic is not exactly the best time to go on one, to say the least. Just because you’re by yourself doesn’t automatically mean you’re self-isolating to a medically appropriate degree, y’know?

We all have our own unique lifestyles, financial situations, and risk tolerance levels in these scary times, so I know not all of these suggestions will work for you, whether due to geographic limitations, immunosuppression, anxiety, money, or any other factors. But here are some ideas for self-dates in pandemic times. Take what works for you (and what doesn’t terrify you) and leave the rest.

For the purposes of this post, let’s assume that ALL of the following activities will be performed while wearing a mask (if applicable – there are a few where it wouldn’t make sense, like those involving eating or drinking), staying several feet away from anyone you encounter, avoiding touching things as much as possible, washing your hands whenever you can, and using hand sanitizer as needed. Okay? Okay.

Go on a really long walk. This has become one of my sanity-saving measures in COVID times. It gets you outside, it gets your body moving, but it doesn’t necessarily require you to interact with anyone or endanger anyone, including yourself. Load up your phone with podcasts that make you laugh or music that makes you smile, slather yourself in sunscreen, try not to get too frustrated when the warm air emerging from your mask fogs up your sunglasses, and enjoy the day as best you can.

Read a book somewhere pretty. I’m fortunate to live within walking distance of Toronto’s harborfront; I’m sure there’s somewhere idyllic near you, even if it’s just the tiny dog park across the street. Bring a blanket so you don’t have to worry about sitting on mud, etc.

Talk on the phone from an unfamiliar location. Okay, this is more of a friend-date (or date-date) than a self-date, but you’re still physically by yourself so it kinda counts! If there’s someone you miss and are dying to talk to, you may as well do it in a locale more exciting than the house/apartment/room you’ve been trapped in for months. Take your phone (and maybe a hands-free headset situation) to a park, or a lake, or a quiet alley.

Do a selfie photoshoot in public. I can already hear you yelling that this would be embarrassing and strange. I know. That’s kind of the point of this one. We live in an era when social norms are breaking down because the world is kinda breaking down. You might as well tote a selfie stick to a place with a good backdrop and take some goofy shots of yourself in your mask et al. You can think of it as a historical document you’re creating so future sociologists will see what these times were like – or it can just be something you look back on in a couple years and (hopefully) think, “Thank god that’s over.” Bonus points if you do your makeup for the occasion (albeit only on the parts of your face that’ll be visible!).

Pick up a to-go meal from your favorite restaurant, if it’s still in operation (womp womp). This is a good excuse to go on a journey, and is also fancier and more self-care-y than just heating up another frozen burrito in your microwave. (No? Just me?)

Deliver food or gifts to someone you love. You don’t have to get anywhere near them to do this; you can just leave it on their stoop or in their mailbox, and text or call to let them know. Probably your isolated elderly great-aunt could use some toilet paper or your best friend would appreciate some basil from your herb garden.

Assign yourself a scavenger hunt. Go for a walk and… take a photo of every pink thing you see? Try to walk along 5 streets you’ve never set foot on before? Bird-watch? People-watch (from afar)? There’s always something to see, if you’re looking.

Arrange a movie night for yourself. Go all out: pick two films that work well as a double feature, plan your menu (even if it’s just popcorn and a beer), ask your friends to watch along with you if you feel like it, and settle in for a nice night of entertainment.

Be near water. If there are no oceans or lakes or rivers or streams or ponds within walking distance of you, maybe there’s an outdoor fountain or a mostly-closed wading pool or somesuch. Clementine Morrigan says being near water is good for calming your nervous system and I am inclined to agree.

Visit a significant (outdoor) place from your past, like a neighborhood you used to live in or a park where you had your first kiss. Take your journal, if you’re that way inclined, and write about how the place makes you feel and what memories it brings up.

Learn to make a new meal/drink/treat. Have you ever tried to do this with a partner? It can be wonderfully silly and fun, and there’s no reason you can’t have that same type of experience solo. The internet is full of recipes for delicious delicacies, beautiful baked goods, and top-notch tipples. Best of all, you’ll have something yummy to show for your travails when you’re done.

Take a decadent bath. Who says dates have to involve leaving your house? You can jazz up a bath (or even a languorous shower) with all sorts of goodies: beautifully-scented body wash, Epsom salts, candles, hot oil hair treatments… or just bring a waterproof sex toy in with you and call it a day!

Buy a new sex toy. A lot of sex shops are offering curbside pickup now, and they need your financial support more than ever – so if you have the means, why not buy yourself a pleasurable treat? Then take it home and seduce yourself…!

Go geocaching. I’ve never done this but it seems like a relatively low-risk thing to do these days as long as you stick to little-trafficked areas and thoroughly sanitize anything you take home with you. Here’s a video where Justin McElroy explains how to geocache.

Eat/drink on a patio. Many people still have very mixed feelings about doing this, which is very reasonable, and I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to skip this one. Where I am, in Toronto, patio tables have to be properly distanced from each other, waitstaff have to get your info on file for contact-tracing, and masks and hand sanitizer are everywhere – so I feel pretty safe sitting down for a drink or a small meal at local places I hope don’t go under. Bring a book or other diversion, be polite as hell to the staff (they have it rough right now), and tip generously.

 

How have you been romancing yourself and going on self-dates in these difficult times? Or what would you like to be doing?

They Can’t Take That (Wand Vibrator) Away From Me

Kate Sloan

I’m having a minor mental breakdown because the Scrabble app is being discontinued.

I know that doesn’t sound like it’s going to be relevant to sex toys and the other topics covered on this here blog, but bear with me for a moment. The Scrabble app – totally classic, with no bells or whistles, just that well-worn Hasbro aesthetic and those well-understood rules – has been my constant companion in my battle against anxiety and depression for several years. It’s one tool in my wide-ranging toolbelt of coping mechanisms, but it is a significant one. When I start to hyperventilate on the subway, or am en route to a party I’m nervous about, or am crying so hard I can’t get out of bed, I can always whip out my phone and play a few games of Scrabble against a skilled robot. The familiarity of the game, and my skill at it, calm me down in minutes.

When EA recently announced that they’re phasing out the classic Scrabble app in favor of the new (and way, way worse) Scrabble Go, and that users of the original app will be unable to keep using it past June, I honestly felt like a piece of the cliff I was standing on had suddenly crumbled and fallen away. Maybe it’s the fact that this announcement coincided with global panic about a pandemic as well as a continuing political shitshow, but it really felt like something had been taken away from me that I needed in order to function. Something I thought I could trust, and that I thought would always be there somehow, in fact will be gone in not too long.

That brings me to the Magic Wand. The Japanese corporation originally responsible for making and selling this legendary vibrator, Hitachi, almost pulled the plug on the product (so to speak) in the mid-2010s when – according to various sources – the conservative company got cold feet about the sexualization of their product. Marketed as a muscle massager, the Magic Wand had nonetheless picked up steam as a sex aid in North American masturbation workshops and porn flicks (though it is also available in the UK and elsewhere) and Hitachi wasn’t cool with that. American sex toy distributor Vibratex swept in and saved the day by taking over branding and distribution of the product so Hitachi could save face – but in the interim, Magic Wand fans were terrified. Theories abounded about the toy’s potential fate. Wands started popping up for hundreds of dollars on eBay and the like. The situation looked dire, until Vibratex started cranking out wands again (including the Magic Wand Rechargeable, a brilliantly-conceived update on the original) and harmony was restored to the universe.

I was reminded of this story when I heard the news about the Scrabble app, because there is something uniquely terrifying about finding out that what you once considered a constant comfort actually is not. This is true whether the thing that has crumbled is big – like your relationship, your family, or, say, the entire world order as you know it – or small, like an app or a vibrator. We place our trust in these things; they hold our emotional safety precariously in their hands. So it’s immensely destabilizing when one of them just winks out of existence.

The world may be incredibly fucked up right now, but I still have my Magic Wand, and it feels like a security blanket. Even when I’m scared of what’s to come, I can still have orgasms. Even if I have to self-quarantine, I can still have orgasms. Even if I get sick, I can still have orgasms (assuming I can muster the energy to administer them). Lots of people are turning to lots of familiar comforts in times like these – beloved shows on Netflix, dog-eared and much-read books, Skype calls with loved ones – and I’m glad that the Magic Wand is one of mine… especially now that my long-cherished Scrabble app is being ripped from my hands. (Okay, I might be being a tad melodramatic. Just a tad.)

 

If you want to know more about wand vibrators available worldwide, check out this review of the Hitachi Magic Wand alternative in Australia. This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.