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I Felt Guilty About Findom, Until I Didn’t

Kate Sloan
A pair of red patent leather Louboutins my spouse bought for me (which I sadly had to return because they were too small)

Financial domination is one of the most profoundly misunderstood kinks. There’s a common perception that all it involves is “making” someone give you money without giving them anything in return – which, sure, would be exploitative if it wasn’t consensual. But by its very nature, findom is only findom when it is consensual. Otherwise it’s just financial abuse.

Findom is most often done in a professional setting, as an interaction between sex workers and their “paypigs.” Sometimes it may involve exchanging provocative pictures, incorporating adult roleplay chat, and other perks – but in its most basic form, it is quite simply one person being consensually bossed into giving money to another person. In that way, it’s not all that different from any other type of power play in the BDSM world. Sure, money is a more tangible measure of the power being exchanged, and it can alter the conditions of your actual life, outside of the bedroom and the dungeon – but that’s part of why it appeals to so many people. It’s like playing poker for real dollars when you’re used to only playing for Monopoly money.

That said, financial domination can happen outside of professional contexts too. It’s become part of my dynamic with my spouse. During an initial findom chat when my partner and I were negotiating this new addition to our relationship, one of the things we discussed was my concern that I was somehow a “bad” financial dominant if receiving gifts and cash didn’t physically turn me on, the way receiving oral sex or a good spanking can. My partner gets a boner (albeit not necessarily a raging one) when I command them to buy me a cute new bag or pair of shoes; I felt like an impostor for not having the same type of physiological response to what was supposed to be a kinky, sexy act.

But the more that I’ve thought about it, and the more that we’ve discussed it, the more I’ve realized that physical arousal is not the only measure of whether an activity is pleasurable or “sufficiently” kinky. Of course, I already knew this in other areas – I knew, for example, that many asexual people enjoy kinky activities for their psychological effects, despite having little-to-no sexual response to them – but it was surprisingly hard to apply this knowledge to my understanding of findom in my own relationship. I think that because money is such a heavy, fraught topic IRL, it can be equally tricky and fraught to accept your desire to play with it in a kinky way. It brings up enormous feelings about “deservingness,” privilege, power, scarcity, and fear. But you know what? So do a lot of other kinks!

The dual-control model of sexuality, popularized by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. in her seminal book Come As You Are, has been a helpful framework for me in thinking about findom. This model understands sexual arousal as being affected by both a “sexual accelerator” and “sexual brakes.” Your accelerator is stuff that actively turns you on, like porn, erotica, dirty talk, and receiving pleasurable touch, while your brakes are things that inhibit your ability to get aroused, like stress, distractions, or chronic pain.

I think my hesitance about findom came from the expectation that it had to be a sexual accelerator in order for it to be “valid” as a kink – when, in reality, for me it operates much more like an alleviation of my sexual brakes. When my partner buys me a beautiful new lipstick, for instance, wearing it makes me feel prettier, thereby alleviating some of my appearance-related stress. When I “made” them buy me a body pillow and started sleeping with it every night, my chronic pain eased up and I was able to sleep better, which certainly made arousal easier to achieve. Likewise, when my sugar daddy way back in 2017 gave me enough money each month to cover my rent, I was obviously way less stressed about making ends meet, which made space for me to get turned on much more easily. Money is a near-constant stressor, as it is for many people, leaning hard on those sexual brakes – so any relief in that area results in relaxation that can blossom into arousal.

There’s more than one way to enjoy kink, and anyone who tells you there’s only “one true way” is lying to you. If you and your partner consent to particular acts or a particular dynamic, and you prioritize risk-awareness and open communication, it’s hard to go wrong. An erect dick or wet pussy isn’t the only measure of whether something excites or fulfills you. If a kinky activity makes you a bit happier, or makes your life a bit easier, or makes your days a bit more beautiful, then I think it’s been a success.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Bestvibe Rhinoceros Horn Dildo

Kate Sloan

Bestvibe calls this dildo the Rhinoceros Horn, but I’ve looked at a bunch of pictures of rhinos in writing this review, and I feel I can definitively say: this thing is way closer to a tentacle than a rhino horn. But I know a lot of people are into that. (Is there a fetish subculture centered around horned animals being able to fuck people with their prehensile horns?! Almost certainly.)

This veiny, bumpy, blue and white silicone dildo caught my eye because it’s unlike anything else I’ve tried before. I’ve never been big into “fantasy dildos” the likes of which companies such as Bad Dragon make (in part because Bad Dragon is notoriously awful), but that’s for reasons more psychological than physical; many dildos of this type probably feel great, even if the thought of having sex with some kind of sentient sea creature (or rhinoceros) does nothing for me.

This dildo is a little over 7″ long. Its diameter gets as wide as 2.5″ toward the bottom, but the tip is a much more manageable size, so you can work your way up to its girthiest parts. The top side of the dildo is sparingly decorated with protruding “veins,” while the bottom side boasts three rows of super-stimulating bumps.

The silicone has a good amount of squish to it; I can bend the dildo in half with some effort. While this toy isn’t dual-density, the thickness of the silicone – especially toward the bottom – is such that it feels squishy on the surface and simultaneously firm enough to deliver a solid ramming. However, this silicone formulation also attracts lint and hairs constantly, and requires re-lubrication every so often during use.

While I wanted to like this dildo, it doesn’t quite work for my body. Theoretically it should be long enough to reach my A-spot – the main reason I use dildos these days – but even my seasoned vagina can’t comfortably take the girth toward the bottom of the toy’s shaft, so I have to choose between inserting it deeply enough to hit my spot or keeping it shallow enough to avoid irritating my vaginal opening. Using it on my G-spot is better, but it doesn’t have the firmness that spot craves, so the sensations are lacklustre.

If you’re a texture fiend, you’d probably enjoy this toy – but I find that the combination of extreme texture with extreme girth is just too much sensation for me. Getting pounded with this toy didn’t feel deliciously overwhelming like my partner fucking me with the Eleven or Double Trouble can; it just felt uncomfortable and slightly painful, unless they avoided thrusting the toy deep.

On the plus side, the base of this toy is a decently strong suction cup that also functions as a perfectly fist-sized concave cavity that makes it easy to thrust this toy by punching it, something my partner is very good at. They liked that the Rhinoceros Horn gave them enough leverage to fuck me hard and fast – I just wish my vagina could handle that much texture and girth so I could enjoy it more fully.

At $70, this dildo’s only gonna be a good investment for you if you really love thick dildos that have a lot of texture. I know there are a lot of people who want that kind of thing but don’t have $120+ to shell out on a huge Bad Dragon or Uberrime toy, in which case I think the Bestvibe Rhinoceros Horn could be a good substitute; the craftsmanship isn’t anywhere near as beautiful as those toymakers’, but with sex toys, usually you get what you pay for. As for me, this dildo didn’t quite make me feel… uh… horny.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning that I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this toy. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. Thanks to Bestvibe for supplying me with the toy!

Review: Osuga G-Spa

Kate Sloan

The Osuga G-Spa looks like a seal. But it’s a damn cute seal, one that can stand up on its own, like it’s looking out across the snow-dusted tundra, majestic and proud.

This toy isn’t just unique visually – it’s also pretty unusual mechanically. It’s a G-spot vibrator and pressure-wave clitoral stimulator in one, though unlike some other vibration/pressure-wave double-threats I’ve tried, you’re not meant to use both functions at once. (More on that later.) In fact, the Osuga website suggests you warm yourself up with vibration on your clit and then switch to the suction part once you’re ready. I love a multi-use toy that’s actually versatile and adaptable, rather than requiring you to employ all of its many uses at once!

 

My favorite thing about this toy is its clitoral stimulator portion – but then, I’m a clit girl at heart. The sonic pulses here feel different than some others I’ve tried – less like suction and more like deep, thrumming vibration. Osuga says this toy “stimulates every nerve from the surface to your very core,” and I have to agree – this is the kind of profound, rumbly pleasure that makes my clit pay attention.

It has three steady speeds, after which it loops back to the first one. I really appreciate this as someone who mostly hates patterns and usually skips over them. My favorite way to use the clitoral portion of this toy is hands-free, gripping the “seal’s” body between my thighs and gently undulating my hips to move my clit ever-so-slightly in and out of the “mouth.” The toy’s body has a shape and texture that allows for this, unlike some other pressure-wave toys I’ve tried, and it’s delightful.

 

Less delightful is the G-spot vibration portion. I like the shape – it’s flat with gently rounded edges, sort of like the Lelo Gigi, and very much the kind of thing my G-spot enjoys – but the vibrations themselves are only so-so: just slightly too buzzy for my tastes, and definitely not as satisfyingly rumbly as the clitoral part. I also don’t love that if you wanted to use a clit vibe in conjunction with this G-spot vibe, it’d have to be pretty small because the G-Spa is what my friend Epiphora refers to as a “vulva hog,” space-wise.

The size and shape of this toy make it best suited for solo play, in my view. Rear-entry penetrative sex positions would be fine, but front-to-front positions would be impossible if you were using this toy clitorally; it’s just too big. That said, I know I mentioned earlier that you’re not meant to use both the vibration and suction functions at once, but you actually could, depending on your anatomy and your partner’s anatomy. The suction part, theoretically, could go on one person’s clit while the vibrating part goes inside another person’s vagina or butt. It’d probably be unwieldy, but I appreciate that it’s an option, I guess!

The seal-esque shape of the G-Spa is surprisingly ergonomic for my achy hands. Both sides work decently well as handles, and the buttons are located in a place where I can reach them and discern between them easily but don’t often bump them by mistake. It’s also waterproof, in part because it charges magnetically, so I can take it into the tub any time for one of my beloved bathtime wanks.

 

The packaging of this toy is highly elegant and cute. It even comes with a super-soft, lint-free storage bag. The overall aesthetic is very millennial; it brings to mind words like “softboy” and “tenderqueer” and “twee.” Osuga’s other product won a Red Dot design award, and it’s obvious that they care about beauty as much as they care about pleasure.

In order to enjoy this toy, you’d have to adore both clitoral pressure-wave stimulation and G-spot vibration (but not at the same time). That’s a pretty specific set of needs – but if that description sounds like you, and you enjoy the G-Spa‘s adorable aesthetic, I think it’d be a good investment!

You can buy the Osuga G-Spa on their website. Right now, Osuga is offering my readers 10% off their order with the code GJ10 – just enter it at checkout!

 

This post was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Sohimi Sucking Clitoris Stimulator & Wand Massager

Kate Sloan

I feel like I’ve reviewed approximately one zillion pressure-wave toys as of late… and I sort of have. But, encouragingly for this once-tiny category of sex toy, each one I’ve reviewed recently has been pretty different. There used to be very little variety in pressure-wave land, but now you can get tons of different takes on this same basic idea.

Today I’m reviewing the Sohimi Sucking Clitoris Stimulator & Wand Massager, which I think needs a much snappier name, like perhaps the Suck ‘n’ Buzz, or the Beyond Wand. (Okay, no one should hire me as a sex toy namer. That much is clear.)

This petite pink rechargeable wand vibrator has a classic wand head at one end, and a clitoral suction nozzle at the other end. At first I was confused about why anyone would want this, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me. Vibration and pressure waves are the two major modes of clitoral stimulation that the sex toy industry offers these days; it’s a cool idea to package them both in one toy, so that regardless of which one you’re in the mood for, you’ll have both at the ready. Or you can start with one and switch to the other mid-session, something I often do.

The pressure-wave functionality of this toy is… not my favorite. The nozzle isn’t as tiny as that of the Sohimi Hedgehog, but is still pretty small, so it’ll probably only stimulate the very tip of your clit. It starts out very mild – which I appreciate, since suction toys can often feel wayyy too intense toward the beginning of a session – and gets much stronger as you cycle through its 7 suction modes. But rather than feeling rumbly and rhythmic, these pressure waves start to just feel like buzzy vibration as I turn up their intensity – so eventually they just numb the tip of my clit and don’t feel like much of anything. Boo.

The vibration component of this toy is much more compelling to me. It’s a weird blend of buzzy and rumbly. I’m sure it’s not ideal for everyone, but it surprised me with how much it felt like “the best of both worlds”: it contains some of the deep, delightful thrumming I associate with rumbly vibration, but also has that surface-level, buzzy edge that can sometimes push me into an orgasm. The orgasms I have with this toy are, indeed, very intense, and come on surprisingly fast.

It’s strong from the get-go, strong enough that I have to spend a good few minutes moving it around my outer labia and thighs before I’m warmed-up enough to put it on my clit. The vibrations get a bit buzzier as they get stronger, but it’s still nowhere near the shitty, desensitizing sensation I get from most inexpensive wands of this one’s ilk.

The powerful vibrations are, I think, especially well-suited for transmitting through something, like underwear or even another sex toy. I used this vibe on my partner’s cock cage while they were in chastity, for example, and the sensation traveled through the cage loud and clear.

There are only three steady speeds, followed by a handful of patterns. I do wish there were more steady modes available, since they’re what I use almost exclusively, but this annoyance is easily mitigated by just moving the vibe around on my vulva. The same speed can feel very intense when it’s on my clit and much less intense when it’s on my labia (of course), and I use this strategy to make the vibe’s limitations work for me.

Unfortunately this toy is suuuuper loud, despite its marketing copy claiming that it is quiet. (I don’t know why so many sex toy manufacturers insist on saying their demonstrably loud toys are actually nearly silent. If someone is shopping for a quiet toy, it’s generally because they need a quiet toy, due to their living situation. Companies should not lie about this!) It actually makes a somewhat ugly, grinding sound. The noise eases up a bit when I press the toy against my body – or when I use it in the bath, which is doable because it’s fully waterproof – but it’s still loud enough to be heard through a closed door.

One neat thing about this toy is that you can enable both the suction mode and the vibration at the same time – so, theoretically, you could use it with a partner, like a double-ended dildo except for external stimulation only. (Well, I guess you could try to insert the wand head into your vagina, but I wouldn’t recommend it.)

For its $35 price tag, I think you could do a whole lot worse than the Sohimi Sucking Clitoris Stimulator & Wand Massager. Its vibrations are significantly more powerful than what you’d typically find in a vibrator at this price point, and I like that you can switch between suction and vibration at will for a more varied masturbation session. If you have the cash, I’d recommend you just get two separate toys that do their jobs very well (and much more quietly than this one), like perhaps the Satisfyer Pro 2 and Bodywand Midnight, which would run you about $90 total. But I know many people’s budgets are tight right now, and to that end, I think the Sohimi Sucking Clitoris Stimulator & Wand Massager is a pretty cool product if you want big vibrations in a small package, with a side of clitoral suction. Just don’t expect to be able to hear your sexytimes playlist over the roar of the vibe.

 

Thanks to Sohimi for sending me this toy! This review was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Sohimi Mini Tongue Vibrator

Kate Sloan

The sex toy industry has been trying for many years to produce something that feels like cunnilingus. While certain toys have managed to replicate an aspect of good oral, like the rhythmic sucking of a Satisfyer or the tongue-flicking of a Sqweel, none have really been able to mimic the whole sensation of receiving good head. I think that’s because it’s very person-dependent and anatomy-dependent, and usually involves a mix of sucking and stroking that toys are just not capable of yet.

That said, though – some of these toys still feel pretty damn good, even if they don’t exactly feel like oral sex.

Sohimi sent me their Mini Tongue Vibrator, and I was skeptical, but intrigued. Could a tiny silicone tongue really get me off? Could the motor of a $16 sex toy get me off in any configuration, for that matter?

I had been burned (proverbially speaking) by cheap tongue-shaped vibrators before. Usually they’re just made to look like a tongue, but don’t actually move like one or feel like one at all – they feel like vibration. This toy is a bit different, though: the tongue actually does move back and forth a little, albeit very fast, so it creates a sensation that’s much more akin to tapping or oscillation than vibration. In practice, this means that it doesn’t cause numbness as quickly as many vibrators do, and the rumbling seems to extend more deeply into my internal clit. Definitely a good thing!

I would strongly recommend using a ton of lube with this toy, because no one likes a dry tongue (except maybe Ellie Kemper in that one comedy video). Water-based lube is probably your best bet because the toy is silicone, but you’ll likely need to reapply (or reactivate the lube with a little water) periodically when it dries out.

Soft silicone “petals” form a ring around the tongue which is supposed to be able to create a suction effect if you press it against your vulva, with the tongue in the centre against your clit. I suspected this would not work for my body, and I was right – I prefer indirect clitoral stimulation so I tend to hold the tongue against the side or hood of my clit instead of directly on the head, like this method requires. However, I do enjoy the feeling of having my entire clit enveloped, at least psychologically if not physically.

Sohimi’s website says this toy is “super quiet without noise. You cannot be heard at close range by anyone when using this tongue vibrator,” and that’s just laughably untrue. It’s a loud toy; most flappy-tongue toys are loud, due to the nature of their mechanics. It’s loud enough to be heard clearly from across the room and faintly through a closed door. It does quiet down a bit when pressed against flesh, but not enough that I’d call it a quiet toy by any means.

As with many toys of this type, this one slows down a bit when you press it against your body – but unlike a lot of other toys for which this is true, the Sohimi one’s motor doesn’t struggle or overheat when this happens. As a result, I feel free to experiment with applying different amounts of pressure to achieve different intensities of tongue-flapping. More pressure = slower, rumblier flicks; less pressure = faster, buzzier, more aggressive flicks.

It’s cool to have that level of control, because this toy only has 3 steady settings. All the other ones are patterns, and I just can’t bring myself to care about patterns – I’m a steady-speed girl all the way. Offbeat rhythms are sometimes cool when an actual tongue does them, but with a robot tongue like this one, irregular intervals of vibration just distract and annoy me instead of turning me on.

While I was surprised by how powerful this toy is for its tiny size, I don’t think it’s quite strong enough to get me off. Either that or the highest speed is just too distractingly loud for me to reach orgasm with it. But I gotta say, I still think this toy feels really good and really unique, and that there are a lot of people who would enjoy it. It doesn’t numb my clit like most vibrators in its price range, it’s super portable, and I love its flowery aesthetic. With its mere $16 price tag (at time of writing), the Sohimi Mini Tongue Vibrator is probably the best oral sex simulacrum you’re gonna find for under $50. I wish it was quieter, but hey… real oral sex can be noisy too. 😉

 

This review was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.