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10 Ways to Increase the Pleasure Quotient in Your Life

Kate Sloan

I’m a Taurus, which – according to many astrological authorities – means I am a born pleasure seeker. We Taureans are supposedly prone to seeking out magnificent foods, lounging in comfy clothes, pursuing mind-blowingly raucous sex, and just generally chasing “the finer things” in life. If you ever need advice on how to bring more sensual pleasure in your world, ask a Taurus!

On that note… today I have 10 suggestions for non-sexual ways to make your life more pleasurable. In a world like this, we need (and deserve) all the joy we can find. Here are some methods you could try…

 

1. Deepen your social connections and make new ones.

Okay, everyone likes to socialize in different ways, and feels juiced up by slightly different methods of socializing, so here are a bunch of suggestions you can take or leave. Invite a Facebook acquaintance to an improv show. Have brunch with your mom. Start throwing a monthly potluck dinner party for your friends and people you wish were your friends. Vow to eschew all shallow small-talk on Tinder and jump right into the deep end with every match. Strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to you at the bar, if they seem open to that. Go to local meetup groups for your various interests and hobbies. Invite some of your Twitter mutuals over for board games. Ask the dude at the coffee shop what he’s reading and whether it’s any good. Text an old friend and ask them how they’re doing.

Humans are social creatures, and even if you revel in your alone time (god knows I do), your brain might benefit from the boost of good neurotransmitters you can get from a positive social interaction. Look for ways to further infuse your life with what is, for you, a joyful-yet-manageable amount of socializing!

 

2. Upgrade the sensory details in your home. (Thanks to Kaja – @KajaEcho on Twitter – for this suggestion!)

I’m not asking you to buy a Ladurée candle and velvet bedsheets, although… you do you! Even on a budget, it’s possible to make small changes to the way your space looks, feels, smells, and sounds. Put up some printed photos of you and your loved ones. Mix a little lavender oil into your evening bath. Fall in love with some new musical artists and play them through a Bluetooth speaker while you fold laundry. Rearrange some furniture so your home feels fresh again. Put up some fairy lights to give your space some cozy charm. Change your laundry detergent to a new scent that makes you happy. Stock up on delicious teas and cute mugs to drink them out of.

These upgrades might seem small, but they can change the way you experience your home and your life. Try some stuff out and see what sticks!

 

3. Learn something new.

When you fall down a WIkipedia rabbit hole, or pick up a new musical instrument, or start practicing a new language, not only do you expand your mind and your skillset – you also potentially activate “flow state,” a mental space where focus and enjoyment combine with the pleasure of feeling challenged. Regularly being “in the zone” like this is linked to better moods and increased overall satisfaction with life.

Pursuing new skills and knowledge can also make you feel more capable and empowered, and that’s a pleasurable feeling!

 

4. Laugh more.

This has major effects neurochemically, so while it’s not strictly true that “laughter is the best medicine,” it can certainly help!

Your city (or a city near-ish you) probably has improv or sketch shows you could go to. Netflix overflows with stand-up comedy specials. Lots of people online are making hilarious and under-discovered videos and podcasts. Plus you probably have at least one incredibly funny friend who you haven’t talked to in a while. As the McElroy brothers would say, “Fill your life with laughter and love!”

 

5. Enjoy food and drink more deeply. (Feel free to skip this section if food and/or drink stuff is triggering or upsetting for you for whatever reason.)

When I polled people on Twitter about their favorite non-sexual ways to access pleasure, this was one of the big themes that emerged. Many people deeply enjoy not only consuming fine foods and drinks, but also the processes of making them, learning about them, and/or serving them.

How could you dig deeper into whatever pleasure you already get from food and drink? Would it excite you to take a cocktail-making class? To tour the best Mexican restaurants in your city? To learn to bake a cheesecake from scratch? Would mealtime feel more decadent if you had some new plates and bowls? Would you enjoy your evening glass of wine more if you took some time to learn about wine-tasting? Is your go-to favorite pasta recipe in need of a new flavor profile? Lean into any preexisting passions you have in this area and see how far they can take you.

 

6. Let art awe you.

When I think about all the art out there that I’ve never seen, or even heard of, it makes my head spin! You never know when you’re going to discover your next favorite movie/book/band. Art can change your life and your whole worldview – or it can just cheer you up on a sad day.

If you’re not sure where to start, ask some trusted friends for recommendations, or peruse lists online of “The Best 100 [Memoirs/Concept Albums/Romantic Comedies/Whatever] of All Time.” Keep an open mind and let all the beauty and brilliance wash over you.

 

7. Keep track of your pleasure patterns.

The question “What makes me feel good?” might seem fairly easy to answer – but the thing is, you only know what you’re consciously aware makes you feel good. There could be lots of things that bring you great joy and comfort but that you haven’t explicitly identified as such.

Keeping a “pleasure diary” of sorts would be a good way to figure this out. Next time a day or moment feels really good, take the time to make a note of the factors involved – who you were with, what you were doing, what was going on around you – and see, after a while, if you notice any patterns. This information will be useful in shaping your life to better suit you.

 

8. Spend more time in nature. (Thanks to Jaimee – @jaimeebell_ on Twitter – for this suggestion!)

I’m a pretty “indoorsy” girl, so I often forget this, but connecting with the natural world can be really uplifting. I love taking long walks while listening to podcasts. An ex of mine always felt better after a bike ride to the beach. A writer I admire tries to make time each day to stand barefoot on the earth. It might sound very woo-woo, but somehow, our petty human problems seem smaller in the face of our planet’s massiveness and beauty. Spend some time near water, or trees, or mountains, or even just urban botanical gardens. It’s cheerifying in a completely different way than, say, marathonning a TV show on your couch (although I love to do that too!).

 

9. Explore more non-sexual touch.

Get a massage. Ask your friend if they’d like to cuddle while you watch a movie together. Moisturize your entire body, slowly, while listening to soothing music. Spoon your partner in bed while really focusing on and noticing all the parts of their body that are touching yours. Use a vibrator on your neck and shoulders after a long day. Give your family really good hugs the next time you see them. Despite the way our culture teaches us (especially men) to be somewhat touch-phobic, touch is good for you and can potentially lift your spirits a lot.

 

10. Do work you care about.

Granted, capitalism doesn’t always leave us much time for this… but if you regularly spend even an hour a day on, say, Twitter or YouTube, maybe that time could be rerouted into something more productive and satisfying.

This could take the form of volunteering for a cause you feel strongly about, like canvassing for your favorite political candidate or taking calls at an emotional support hotline. Perhaps you’d like to start a “side hustle” you find meaningful, like writing a blog that would’ve helped you if it had existed when you were a teen (hello, it me), or starting a podcast that highlights marginalized voices. Maybe you want to take more steps toward one of your “big dreams,” like by taking a class on how to write a book proposal, or getting your pilot’s license. We’re all inundated with mind-numbing busywork at least some of the time, but anything you can do to bust yourself out of that will give your life a joy boost.

 

What are your favorite non-sexual ways to access pleasure?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Ways to Support Sex Workers

Kate Sloan

Have you heard? Sex workers’ rights are being eroded more and more every day, and they were pretty scant already in most places. The shitty laws known as SESTA/FOSTA – ostensibly designed to prevent sex trafficking – have only succeeded in fucking with sex workers’ lives and livelihoods (in addition to jeopardizing the free internet for everyone else). This cannot stand.

Here are 5 things you can do right now to help sex workers. They need help more than ever.

Donate to organizations that fight for sex workers’ rights.

Red Light Legal, SWOP Behind Bars, and the St. James Infirmary are three of the most popular ones I’ve been hearing about. They are doing important, difficult work, and they need money (as well as, in many cases, volunteers) in order to keep doing that work. If you’ve got enough extra cash that you can afford to donate to causes you believe in, consider picking one of these.

Contact your political reps to demand action on sex workers’ rights.

Communicate clearly to your representatives that you are against SESTA/FOSTA and pro-decriminalization. (If you need some help understanding why decriminalization is preferable to “the Nordic model” and legalization/regulation of sex work, Google ought to set you straight.) If enough people kick up a fuss, they’re likelier to listen, and to actually do something about it.

Speak out against whorephobia.

When you hear someone talking shit about sex workers – even if they think they’re being hilarious, which they often do – push back! It might seem small, but popular perceptions take a long time to shift, and one-on-one persuasion can be a big part of that. Let your shitty bro know that it’s not okay with you when he mouths off about escorts and strippers. Share facts about sex workers’ struggles and the massive positive impact they can have and have had on the world, and maybe even on you personally.

Boost sex workers’ voices on social media.

A lot of non-sex-industry people are afraid to do this, at least on their main accounts, because on some level they’re embarrassed or ashamed to be publicly affiliated with sex work. But SWs need allyship and support now more than ever. You don’t have to retweet porn onto your vanilla coworkers’ timelines (!), but don’t be afraid to retweet and share stuff about decriminalization and SESTA/FOSTA. You never know who could see it and potentially get on-board with the mission.

Book sessions with sex workers!

The “sex trafficking” laws are making this harder than ever, by eliminating many of the boards where sex workers used to be able to advertise their services, like the Craigslist personals section and Backpage. Twitter and Switter still have lots of SWs (though Twitter is getting shittier and shittier about adult content), so take a look there. If there’s a SW you’ve been wanting to see for a while, now is a great time to do it – they’re probably struggling under these laws. And if you don’t actually want a sex worker’s services but want to support them anyway, consider just… giving them money! That’s definitely an option.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

6 Porn Games You Can Play Right Now

Kate Sloan
Communally watching fisting porn at Kate Sinclaire’s Airbnb before the Playground Conference in 2015.

Do you ever watch porn like it was a cinematic adventure, rather than a perfunctory wank tool? While I’ve consumed my fair share of porn solo for its intended purpose (ahem), I’ve also enjoyed many a social porn-watching session – giggling and marveling at the best porn sites with close friends and partners. Whether we end up commentating on a particular porn star’s stellar blowjob skills, perfect eyeliner, or sociocultural impact, this practice always leads to great conversations.

With that in mind, I have 6 ideas for you today of “games” you could play while watching porn with a loved one. Provided you know some cool people, these could be really fun!

“What Are You Into?”

This is the most basic of porn games, and also one of the most illuminating. Simply take turns loading up and showing each other porn clips you’ve enjoyed, and discussing what you find hot about each one. This is like the X-rated equivalent of those parties that devolve into people forcing each other to watch YouTube videos – except you’re going to do this version with the enthusiastic consent of all participants, right?!

Learning about the porn tastes of your partners can help inform the fantasies and scenes you might explore with them moving forward – while learning this shit about your friends is just fun. Plus you get to exclaim things like “Can you BELIEVE how big that dick is?!” and “Is he really going to come inside a watermelon?!”

Drinking Game

Okay, you don’t actually have to drink, because not everybody does. So replace “take a shot” in the following description with “swig some water” or “munch a snack” or “do a victory dance” or really whatever you please. In this type of porn game, you take a shot every time “x” happens in the porn you’re watching, and you get to decide as a group what “x” will be.

This works best if you customize the “drinking trigger” to the particular clip or genre you’re watching. For example, take a shot every time a mouthy porn star says “fuck,” every time you hear a choking sound in a blowjob scene, or every time a cheesy music cue overpowers the sounds of the performers. The (porn) world is your oyster!

Humiliation Kink

Dominant types, here’s a suggestion just for you: if your submissive watches porn as part of their masturbation routine, have them keep a list for a while of all the porn clips they watch. Then, whenever you feel like it, sit them down and “make” them show you clips from the list. You can mildly humiliate them by quizzing them about what they find hot in the scene, what made them come, and so on. This is a great way to extract useful information while also making your sub blush a whole lot!

Orgasm Race

This one’s pretty straightforward… Provided everyone in the room consents to this dynamic, get out your sex toys, lube, and whatever else you’ll need, and start jerking off to the porn on screen. Whoever reaches orgasm first wins some kind of prize… like getting to pick the next porn clip you watch!

It could be fun to “stack the deck” in this game by selecting clips you think are unlikely to turn people on – wacky fetishes, awkward dirty talk, or what have you – but remember that someone in the room might very well have the kink you’re ostensibly making fun of! As with any sexual experience you share with others, try to be as conscientious and open-minded as possible. You can delight in the silliness of a porn clip without mocking its content, but that’s a fine line to walk.

Dramatic Reading

Ever checked out the comments below your favorite porn clip? It’s almost guaranteed to be a hoot. After you enjoy a porn video with a partner or pal, scroll down and read some of the comments aloud. There’s usually weirdly a lot of vitriol in there (after all, it is a comment section on the internet), but you’ll likely also see a lot of enthusiasm and genuine joy. Plus a plethora of exclamation marks.

Shadow Cast

You know those Rocky Horror Picture Show screenings where enthusiastic nerds act out the story in front of the screen, casting shadows and making the movie into a much more real and immediate experience for everyone present? You can do that with porn, too!

Any time you see something happening on the screen that you want to do yourself, just grab a (consenting) partner and go do it. This works best at a sexy party full of people who are comfortable with each other; that way, you can switch off as necessary, because someone replicating a cinematic blowjob won’t necessarily want to copycat the anal fisting happening in the following scene. Just make sure to compliment each other’s technique and cheer each other on, so this game becomes less of a cutthroat competition and more of a shared celebration of sexuality!

 

Do you like to play games while watching porn? What are your faves?

 

This post was sponsored by The Porn Dude. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. Please note: A third-party producer for a porn production company associated with ThePornDude, PornDudeCasting, was recently accused of assaulting sex workers, including Aliya Brynn. However, I am assured by ThePornDude et al. that this producer (Sammy Mohamed) has been terminated from his position.

How to Last Longer in Bed

Kate Sloan

Ah yes, the perennial question sex educators get asked every day. It’s almost as ubiquitous as “Is my fetish normal?” and “Does penis size matter?” It’s that men’s-magazine staple, that heteropatriarchal battle cry, that insecurity-driven inquiry: “How can I last longer in bed?”

While I have issues with the premise of the question itself – which will become clear in the post to follow – I understand the reasons for it. People possessing penises are constantly told by our culture that those penises are the centerpiece of sex, and that a dick which fails to “perform” adequately is an unloveable, unwantable dick. This is bullshit, of course, but is understandably highly motivating for people who care about their partners’ pleasure (which we all should).

So here are some of my best tips for delaying ejaculation – keeping in mind that I don’t have a penis and these suggestions are mostly ones I’ve heard from friends and partners who do. It’s worth noting that some of these tips apply specifically to penetrative (vaginal or anal) sex, while some do not. That’s not the only valid type of sex, of course, but it is the type most often associated with the quest to “last longer.”

Practice. Kegel exercises (i.e. squeezing and releasing your pelvic muscles) and edging (i.e. approaching orgasm, backing off, approaching again, repeat ad infinitum) are both oft-recommended remedy regimens for coming too soon, because they help you learn to control some of the components of your ejaculation reflex. Self-control is a skill, and skills can be sharpened!

Masturbate beforehand. Many people report that this helps slow them down the second time around. Hell, I don’t even have a penis and it nonetheless takes me longer to come if I already came within the past few hours. Give it a shot and see how it affects you.

Change the order of events. You know you don’t have to give your partner an orgasm during penetrative sex, right? Make like Ian Kerner (wow, what a nerdy joke) and get your partner off first. Granted, this might not fly if their very favorite way to come is all over your dick, but it’s at least worth considering.

Think about something else. Not necessarily baseball, but… you get the idea. When my friend Brent and I interviewed the rapper Mega Ran on our podcast Question Box, for example, he told us he sometimes recites song lyrics in his head when trying to last longer. You could try focusing on deep breathing, or counting in your head, or recalling your favorite monologue from a Tarantino movie. Whatever works!

Use a delay spray. I recently had a chance to try out Promescent Climax Control Spray with my partner, and we’re agreed that we’re glad it exists. It uses a numbing agent called lidocaine to temporarily desensitize your dick. This has the disadvantage of potentially weakening your orgasm when you do finally have one, but that might be a small price to pay for getting to satisfy your partner in the way that you want to.

Wear a thick condom. Even if you don’t “need” condoms for contraception or STI prevention in your relationship, they’re still worth a shot for their desensitizing effects. Some companies even make condoms containing benzocaine to further numb you out, if that’s what you’re after.

Use hypnosis?? This is an odd one, but hear me out… My partner and I have experimented with planting the hypnotic suggestion that they’re not allowed – or in some cases, not able – to come before I do. Depending on your receptivity to, and experience with, hypnosis, this might be worth trying!

Slow down. Jackhammer sex is overrated – not to mention, in many cases, overstimulating. As long as it doesn’t bother your partner, try slowing down your thrusts and see how that changes your ability to last.

Switch positions. The time it takes to do this will allow your arousal to cool off a bit, plus some positions are anecdotally reported to slow down the onset of orgasm in the penetrating partner – mostly “cowgirl” (receptive partner on top) and the spooning position. Experiment to see which positions have this effect on you.

Change your definition of sex. Sex doesn’t have to end when ejaculation happens – and frankly, in many cases, it would be better if it didn’t! If you come “too soon,” just pull out some treasured toys, put your mouth to use, or get your fingers in the game. This is also a choice moment for not-strictly-sexual-but-still-enjoyable kinky activities like impact play or electrostimulation. Hell, after a few minutes spent on a “side quest,” you might even get hard again for round two.

Talk about it! In the vast majority of cases, the thing you’re so sexually insecure about isn’t actually that big of a deal – or at least, wouldn’t be if you talked it out with your partner(s). Find out whether their expectations of your boner are actually as high as you think they are. If not, take a load off and stop trying to manifest a superpowered dick!

What techniques have worked for you or your partner(s) in this regard?

 

This post was sponsored by the lovely folks at Promescent, who make that rad delay spray I was telling you about!

10 Ways Vibrators Can Be Therapeutic (+ a Giveaway!)

Kate Sloan
Photo via Bellesa

It would be easy to think, comparing my work to that of my journalism-school colleagues now reporting on business and politics, that what I do is comparatively frivolous. Sex writing is, after all, largely about fun and pleasure – or at least, that’s how it’s often perceived from the outside. In reality, many people writing about sex today delve into hugely important sub-topics of that realm, like health justice, trauma, education policy, and gender inequality. Sex is no small thing, and it never has been.

That’s why today I wanted to highlight for you 10 ways that people use vibrators therapeutically. As with all medical suggestions you read online, you should run these by your doctor and/or therapist before trying them – and if you do, I hope you find them helpful!

Toning the pelvic floor

Pelvic muscle contractions, the likes of which are experienced during orgasm and high levels of arousal, strengthen the muscles they employ. These muscles’ fitness is responsible for longer and stronger orgasms, yes, but also for preventing pelvic health issues like urinary incontinence.

Healing from trauma

My friend Sarah Brynn Holliday has written about how sex toys can be instrumental in rediscovering pleasure after sexual trauma. A sex toy you know well is controllable in a way that human partners are not, so when you need or want to control your sexual experience to avoid triggering or re-traumatizing yourself as best as you can, sex toys can be helpful.

Alleviating menopause symptoms

For some people, menopause causes the onset of “vulvovaginal atrophy,” wherein decreased estrogen levels in vaginal tissue cause the vagina to become dry, irritated, and sore. The vaginal walls may become thinner, leading to painful sex, especially sans lube. Gynecology professor Dr. Mary Jane Minkin told the Huffington Post in 2013 that vibrators stimulate increased pelvic blood flow, potentially alleviating these symptoms. Some of the menopausal women in my life have also found it psychologically helpful to masturbate more as they age, since our culture tends to harmfully frame older women as unsexual and unsexy (boooo!).

Managing depression

This is a big one for me. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes administering an orgasm through the use of a vibrator can kickstart the production of some happy neurotransmitters and thereby lift my mood. This is especially helpful given that, in the throes of a depressive episode, I often find my own genitals unsettling to touch – so it’s a godsend to be able to hold a vibrator against my pajama pants and get off without grossing myself out or upsetting myself further.

Massaging muscles

We all know about this one – especially since the famous Magic Wand Original (née Hitachi Magic Wand) was developed for sore muscles. This way of using vibrators has become particularly important to me since I developed chronic pain, and I’m so glad it’s an available option.

Increasing desire

There seems to be a “horniness begets horniness” effect at work in many people’s sex lives. It’s what sex researcher Emily Nagoski refers to as “responsive desire,” which she affirms is a normal way of experiencing your sexual appetite, despite the medical community’s historical insistence on misdiagnosing this as “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” or straight-up “frigidity.” In any case, if your sex drive is lower than you would like it to be, regular usage of vibrators is recommended by some doctors to boost your libido. Worth a shot!

Pleasure after injury

Several studies, for example, have noted vibrators’ ability to provoke sexual response even in people who have sustained spinal cord injuries that otherwise inhibit their sensitivity and functioning. This seems to be discussed most often in the context of obtaining semen from disabled men so they can father children, rather than in the context of pleasure or satisfaction, but its implications are encouraging nonetheless.

Combating vaginismus

Vaginismus is a vaginal pain condition in which involuntary pelvic muscle spasms make penetrative sex extremely painful or outright impossible. Vaginal dilators of steadily increasing size are one oft-recommended intervention for vaginismus, and these pair well with vibrators, both because vibration helps muscles relax and because pleasure can gradually overwrite the patient’s mental associations between sex and pain.

Mending relationships

Granted, a vibrator alone is not going to solve your relationship problems – interpersonal connections have too many complex layers for “quick fixes” to do any good. But if, for example, one partner has trouble relaxing into pleasurable sex due to stress in their life, or someone’s inability to orgasm has become a point of friction in the relationship, or your sexual connection has simply grown stale and rote, the addition of a vibrator could help. There will be other mental/psychological/interpersonal work to do, too, but you’ve gotta start somewhere. (Just please don’t buy a vibrator out of the blue for a partner who has never expressed any interest in owning one. This is coercive, presumptuous, and weird!)

Post-breakup self-care

For me, the saddest part of a breakup is always the idea that not only have I lost the love/companionship/pleasure I achieved with my ex, but also that I might never find those things again with anyone else. This is obviously bullshit, but it’s a very persuasive idea to a grieving brain. Vibrators have always helped me at this time: I know that even if my latest paramour has fucked off, I can still make myself come, and that’s powerful. It’s sometimes the first step toward rediscovering my own strength, resilience, and potential.

If, after reading all that, you’re thinking, “I’ve gotta get me a vibrator,” you’re in luck – the fine folks at Bellesa are offering up a Nirvana wand vibrator for one lucky reader in North America! Bellesa focuses on making sex toys for women, but of course, anyone of any gender and body type can use a vibrator, especially one as versatile as the Nirvana. It’s a rechargeable, waterproof, silicone wand vibe, and you can use it on any external erogenous zone that enjoys vibration. Yay!

Here’s how to enter: 1) follow @BellesaCo on Instagram, 2) follow me (@Girly_Juice) on Instagram, and 3) leave a comment on this Instagram post of mine answering the question “What’s one way you think vibrators can be therapeutic?” and tagging a friend. The giveaway will run for a week, and then I’ll pick a random winner. Please note that you must be over 18 and must live in North America to win. Good luck!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.