strap-on

Review: Happy Valley Fuze Harmony

Kate Sloan

The Harmony, sent to me by the lovely folks at SheVibe, is from Happy Valley’s new-ish Fuze line. You may remember that I gave away some Fuze butt plugs a few months ago; well, this is my first time trying a toy from this range, and I… well, I feel pretty ambivalent about it.

The Fuze toys all come in black 100% silicone. It’s a very dark, glossy, sexy black, but it shows every single piece of lint it collects (many). The silicone is firmer than Tantus’ blend but squishier than Lelo’s blend. It’s this firmness that led to me having a hellish experience with another Happy Valley product, the Joe Rock butt plug – but vaginally, it works better. I’ve learned that my G-spot responds more favorably to harder toys.

Speaking of my G-spot… The Harmony is supposed to target it, and sadly, it doesn’t really. The shaft’s curve is so minimal that it brushes right past my G-spot without taking the time to stimulate it. The very slight ripples on the top side of the dildo feel nice going in and out of my vag, but this is certainly no Acute or Tsunami – it does little or nothing to my G-spot.

Both the Harmony and its thicker counterpart the Wilde have a unique feature I’ve never seen anywhere else: a harness-friendly base that has ridges on the bottom. It’s meant to stimulate the clit of the person wearing the dildo in their harness, and I applaud Happy Valley for being innovative and taking risks in this arena. Do the ridges do anything for me when I rub them on my vulva? Not really. Not much more than a regular flat base does, even with lube. But I’m not an experienced harness user at all. I know plenty of people who would probably appreciate this feature a lot. (And it helps that there’s a hole for a bullet vibe at the base.)

With an insertable length of about 5 ½” and a girth of 1 ¼”, the Harmony is a good size for a warm-up dildo. And that’s primarily what I use it for: warm-up. It satisfies my vag easily for the first few minutes of jerking off, while my G-spot is starting up and I’m easing into penetration – but as soon as I start to get really aroused, I need something better. Try as I might, I can’t have blended orgasms with the Harmony, because what it does to my vagina is more like “passing through” than “rubbing and stroking.” It makes me wonder if I might prefer the Wilde after all, even though it’s larger than the toys I usually use, because the girth would please my love-starved G-spot better. Who knows?

I can recommend the Harmony to someone who wants a smallish dildo, ideally for harness use. I have a feeling I’d like it a lot more if it were strapped onto someone I love, but on its own, it just doesn’t satisfy.

Thanks very much, SheVibe!

Porn Review: Crash Pad Series #83

Kate Sloan

I have a crush on Tina Horn and Roger Wood as a couple. Their scene in Live Sex Show stirred up some heat in my panties, but it wasn’t til I saw them in Jiz Lee’s birthday party orgy that I realized how much fondness I have for watching these two people have sex. There’s a shot in the orgy where Tina and Roger’s faces aren’t even visible, just their bodies, clothes, and the strap-on they’re using – and I recognized them from that alone. I saw the purple dildo, rough fucking, and juicy spankable ass, and I thought, “That’s gotta be Roger and Tina.” And of course, it was.

Their one-on-one scene for Crash Pad is even better. It’s pretty much what I’ve come to expect from these two: a relaxed but serious D/s dynamic and the authentic intimacy of two real-life lovers.

Things I don’t really like about this scene: Roger spitting on Tina’s pussy (spitting never does anything for me in porn) and the squeaking noises the bed makes (they actually broke the Crash Pad bed while filming this, though that part’s been edited out of the clip and put into the “behind the scenes” featurette instead).

Things I do really like about this scene: Tina’s perfect ass getting spanked until it reddens. Tina calling Roger “Daddy” and “baby.” The way Roger fucks the shit out of Tina and the noises she makes in response. The moment when Roger instructs Tina to remove her skirt and panties and get on the bed, and Tina says, “What about my socks?” and Roger tells her to leave them on, which makes her laugh. The way Roger stays mostly clothed while Tina is mostly naked. The genderfuckery. Roger’s hand wrapped around Tina’s throat. The way he still manages to be the Dom even while Tina’s on top, by saying “Come on, fuck me, come on.” And then when he says “You gonna come for Daddy?” and she does. The totally loving and worshipful cunnilingus that follows after the lengthy ravaging.

One of the really endearing things about Tina Horn is that she clearly loves being fucked, but also needs clitoral stimulation to get off (or so it would seem, anyway). She’s like most of us. And she doesn’t deny or downplay that need, unlike a lot of porn stars who will pretend they’re having wild orgasms from penetration alone. She rubs her clit during sex and neither partner has any issue with that. Brava!

And the most endearing thing about Roger, to me, is that he fucks like a wildman. Seriously, this is some of the fastest, hardest, roughest fucking I’ve ever seen, and yet it still manages to seem somewhat controlled and G-spot-focused. Every time I see Roger fuck, I think, “Damn, my pussy wants some of that.” And really, isn’t that what watching porn is all about?

This is just a very fucking sexy scene that makes me happy to have a Crash Pad membership. If all porn was like this, I think a lot more women would understand what the hype was about.