Super Sleepy

Intimate Intercourse: #DaddyDomLyfe (Part 3)

Kate Sloan

Hello again! Welcome back to Intimate Intercourse, a series where I interview my boyfriend/Sir/daddy, who goes by Super Sleepy Dude, about various topics related to sex and kink. This week we’re discussing Daddy Dom/little girl kink! This is the final part of a 3-part interview; you can read part 1 here and part 2 here. In this instalment, we discuss ethical concerns around DD/lg, advice for burgeoning daddy doms, literal versus non-literal ageplay dynamics, and being a submissive daddy, among other things. Enjoy! Content note for this post: ageplay, sexual abuse, incest roleplay.

Kate Sloan: Did you ever have any ethical qualms or gross feelings about DD/lg at all as you started to get more into it?

Super Sleepy: Those are sort of two different questions. Ethical qualms: yes, absolutely. I’ve thought a lot about whether there’s anyone being harmed. That’s one of my main ethical standards that I use in my life: is there harm, and can that be reduced? And I don’t think that in anything we’ve done, in our private play or our public play, that there is harm. It’s been argued that, and we’ve had conversations about how, interactions on Twitter or FetLife or other spaces like that, that include consensual ageplay dynamics, might trigger people who’ve been sexually abused as children, and that’s concerning, for sure. I think about that and I think it comes down to, like, those are places where you’re kind of choosing what to see, and as long as people who are playing are being clear that that’s what you’re going to see if you follow them or interact with them in that space, then I think it’s okay. But people disagree about that and I think it’s a conversation worth having.

KS: It also points to the importance of using content warnings, and paying attention to them.

SS: Right. The other stuff that I’ve thought about ethically is how I would feel if I actually had kids. I don’t, and I can’t really predict, because I know that being a parent changes a lot of things about how you think about the world. I’ve heard that from friends and family who have had kids. So I can’t quite get into the right headspace of knowing how I would feel, playing a daddy while also being one. That is an open question for me. And then, have I ever felt gross about it? No, not really. Never really felt gross. What do you think about that?

KS: The only thing that worries me about it sometimes is it makes me feel like I’m too needy – but I think that that mostly comes from having tried to do it with people who weren’t really into it, which always makes you feel too needy, because you’re always just asking for a thing that the other person doesn’t really want to give you.

SS: Right. That could be with literally any kink. Like, if you have any kink that your partner isn’t super into, but will do occasionally, and kind of begrudgingly, you can get into that dynamic where it’s like, well, I’m clearly asking for this too much, or I need too much, and that means I’m broken. But it doesn’t, and you have never, ever, ever been too needy. Like, it just never has ever crossed my mind. The thing about being needy is, the other person has to feel that way for it to even be valid.

KS: Yep. We’re a good match, I guess.

SS: Mhm!

KS: What would be your advice for someone who is kind of curious and thinks that they might be interested in being a daddy, but they’re not sure or they don’t know how to start?

SS: Well, do they have a partner that’s also interested in it, or are they just interested in it by themselves?

KS: Whichever.

SS: Okay. Well, it’s easier, and it also lines up better with my experience, if their partner is sort of coming to them and saying, “I would be into calling you this, or playing with this with you,” because then you have somebody who you can ask a lot of questions about, like, “Why are you into that?” or “What parts of that would be good for you?” and hopefully you’ve built somewhat of a connection with this person where you can try it and be okay if it doesn’t go great. That’s the ideal case, I think, and that’s luckily the case that I was in. You knew a lot about what you wanted, ideally, in a daddy and I was able to try it safely. So if you have that situation, I think trying it in the smallest way possible first is the way to go. I would say that about a lot of sex acts and a lot of kink stuff. Pick a time when it would be okay for your partner to call you “daddy” during sex, one time, and just see how it feels. Or decide to go on a dinner date and be in those roles just for the period of like two hours while you’re out, and agree and consent to the fact that the daddy’s gonna order for the little. Or, you know, pick something that will make you feel like you’re in charge, and like you are nurturing the person that you’re the daddy of, and try it and see how it feels. And then build from there. Like, we didn’t jump into having all the names and all the protocols and all the sex stuff and non-sex stuff overnight. We built up to where we are, and there’s still a lot of stuff that we could build to. So go slow, ‘cause you don’t know what complicated emotional stuff will come up from your past or your partner’s past that you might have to talk about.

KS: Definitely.

SS: If you’re just interested in it by yourself, and it hasn’t come up through somebody else, that’s a little bit trickier. I think, taking some strategies that I’ve used in other kinks, like when I’ve wanted to explore hypnokink, I’ve found communities to experiment with that online. So like, go on a chat room for DD/lg stuff, or find a Tumblr community, and see if there are people who are willing to do some roleplay in text chat, and see how that makes you feel. Or other, similar, low-risk things, where if it starts feeling too weird, you can politely say goodbye and close the window and it won’t blow up your life. That’s how I would start if it was just me.

KS: That’s good advice, daddy.

SS: Thanks, little one.

KS: You’re so smart!

SS: You’re a good interviewer, babygirl.

KS: Thanks! Our dynamic is more-or-less 24/7; do you think it would be weird if it wasn’t?

SS: No, I don’t think it would be weird if it wasn’t. I think if it was bedroom-only, it would be fine. I think if it was only when we were together, it would be fine. I like that it’s all the time, because if I’m feeling that way, I don’t really have to think, like, “Oh, will Kate be okay that I’m feeling this way right now, and do I need to negotiate a whole thing so that she can call me this and I can call her that?” We can just drop in and out of it whenever feels good for both of us, and we know how to read each other so that that works out pretty much all the time. So I don’t think it would be weird, but I prefer it this way.

KS: Yeah. I don’t know that I could do it and not have it be 24/7.

SS: Yeah? What would be wrong with it? What would feel weird about it?

KS: Well, like… In my relationship last year, which was my first DD/lg relationship, we were ostensibly 24/7, but a lot of the time, when we were apart, my partner was really bad at staying in touch with me, and not super dommy via text, and that made me feel really confused, ‘cause part of it, for me, is the sense of having someone who’s there for me – which is why I’ve said to you before that, after trying a bunch of different things, I think a daddy is more like a type of boyfriend, to me, than just a type of kink partner. I kind of need there to be that consistent, romantic element to it, and I don’t think I’m interested in it without that. But I know that not everybody feels that way, obviously.

SS: Yeah, I relate to that a lot. I think that the way it would work for me, if it wasn’t 24/7, would be, like, a still very connected, egalitarian boyfriend/girlfriend relationship where the DD/lg was overlaid only at specific times, in specific contexts. I think that would work, but I do agree that if the relationship wasn’t working, if there wasn’t communication that felt good, or if it was more casual or more on-and-off, the DD/lg stuff would feel really weird to me. It would need to be a really consistent, solid, intimate relationship for me to want to do it at all.

KS: Yeah. ‘Cause there’s so much trust and vulnerability involved.

SS: Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

KS: Yup. Okay. Was there anything else?

SS: Yeah, one thing we didn’t talk about, that we normally talk about when we discuss DD/lg, is literal versus non-literal play. So, I guess, how do you feel about it when we play with DD/lg where it’s more like, literally you’re younger and I’m literally your dad, versus what we do more normally, which is kind of, a caregiver that is called “daddy” but isn’t specific?

KS: I think a lot of people who are aware of my DD/lg proclivities probably think that we do the more literal stuff, like, all the time. And it is, maybe, a subtle distinction from the outside, I guess. But to me, it’s like any other form of roleplay: I enjoy it from time to time, but it’s inherently not as sustainable for me.

SS: Because it’s a fiction, right?

KS: Right. And I’m playing a character, which takes a little bit of extra energy. All my characters in roleplays are versions of myself, but there is still a sense of having to maintain some kind of story.

SS: Absolutely. And you want to be able to drop it, and like, talk to your partner, and go about your life. I agree – it’s really fun, and it’s really hot to do it, but if it was all of our sex, it would be exhausting.

KS: And like, the degree to which I go into little space really varies. I think, with you, I almost always go into it at least a little bit, but usually I don’t get super young in the way that I feel or the way that I present. And also, we’ve talked about how I’m a little bit turned off by some of the super-literal stuff, like stuffed animals, and…

SS: Pacifiers, coloring books, stuff like that.

KS: Yeah, which I think part of that is like, that stuff wasn’t really important to me in my actual childhood. I was always very mature and precocious and I was more into doing creative stuff and researching weird shit on the internet. I don’t really have memories of that particular aesthetic of childhood, I guess, so it doesn’t really resonate with me.

SS: Yeah. That makes sense. And then, the other thing – we’ve played with this a little bit, but not a ton, and it’s something I think we both want to try more – is, me being a daddy but not in a dominant role, from time to time. What are your thoughts on that?

KS: Yeah. Yeah, we’ve talked about how a lot of why I haven’t felt confident being dominant is that I think I was trying to be a type of dominant that I’m not. And I actually feel way more confident being dominant when I’m a dommy little girl. Kind of a Veruca Salt-esque character who is very young but also very powerful. That’s really fun for me. It feels less like I’m putting on some kind of persona. It feels more like I’m just being how I usually am when I have sex, but I’m just more powerful.

SS: Yeah. Where does that power stem from?

KS: I think I did feel somewhat powerful when I was like, 10 to 12. I think I felt really secure in the knowledge that I was smarter than most people my age, and also I came from a relatively loving, safe, accepting home life, so I had a lot of confidence that I was privileged to have. So, if I can kind of access that headspace, when I had very few problems and very few things to worry about, and also felt very strong and confident and smart, that can make me feel dominant sometimes.

SS: Got it. Yeah. And if your daddy is more interested in getting you the things that you want, and making sure that you’re happy, instead of exacting or taking the things that he wants, then it can kind of feed into that.

KS: Yeah. ‘Cause there’s also this overlaid sense of, like, even though you’re submissive, you’re still my daddy, so you’re still gonna watch out for me and make sure I’m safe and do things that are in my best interest. So it doesn’t feel as risky as when I’m an adult femdom and I’m running the whole scene and so much is my responsibility, because even if I’m a dommy little girl, I still am not really in charge of things.

SS: Yup. Makes sense.

KS: What do you like about being a submissive daddy?

SS: Similar to what you said, I like that it still feels like the way that I want to have sex with you – like, I still feel like I’m in the same role that I’m normally in. And in terms of the submissiveness of it, I’m a switch, I’m very comfortable being dominant, very comfortable being submissive, and I like that I get to see that other side of your littleness – the confident little Kate that is excited and willing to advocate for what she wants and needs, and that I can be a strong, older, more responsible person that can facilitate giving her that, and taking care of her, and massaging her, and helping her get to sleep, or whatever she needs, really.

KS: I also really like the element of like, I have power over you because I know this thing about you…

SS: Oh, yeah, that’s really hot.

KS: …that you’re, like, into your little girl and you’re not supposed to be, and so I have this knowledge. Which is fucked up, but is interesting.

SS: Yeah. It’s super fucked up in the real world. In fantasy, though, it’s incredibly, incredibly hot.

KS: Yeah. Okay. Is that it?

SS: Yeah, that’s it, little one.

KS: I love you, daddy!

SS: I love you, babygirl.

Hope you enjoyed this! Thanks for reading. I think next time we might tackle either hypnokink, protocol, or dating a sex blogger. If there’s anything else you’d love to read a conversation between us about, let me know in the comments!

Intimate Intercourse: #DaddyDomLyfe (Part 2)

Kate Sloan

Hi again! Welcome back to Intimate Intercourse, a series where I interview my boyfriend/Sir/daddy, who goes by Super Sleepy Dude, about various topics related to sex and kink. This week we’re discussing Daddy Dom/little girl kink! This is part 2 of a 3-part interview; you can read part 1 here. In this instalment, we discuss protocol, lifestyle domming, negotiating DD/lg exclusivity in polyamory, and kinky headspaces. Enjoy! Content warning for this post: ageplay, mentions of food and fatphobia.

Kate Sloan: Okay. This is kind of veering away from talking about identity, but – I feel like part of how our DD/lg dynamic manifests in the real world for us is you ordering stuff for me at restaurants, and picking my outfits for me sometimes, and helping me with my productivity, and helping me remember to take my iron pill every day, and stuff like that, that’s like, life maintenance stuff – which, I always kinda thought I wouldn’t be able to find someone who was into doing that stuff for me, ‘cause to me, that sounds stressful, to have to manage that stuff for someone else.

Super Sleepy: Yeah, I think, to a lot of people, that sounds stressful, because it’s a lot of responsibility, and if you fuck up, you’re not just fucking up sex or kink; you’re fucking up, potentially, someone’s life. And also, to other people, it just sounds boring. It’s neither of those things to me. It’s not stressful, because the protocols are set up in a way where we can both be successful at them; that’s how we constructed the relationship and the protocols. And it’s not boring, because seeing my little girl succeed and shine and grow is one of the most satisfying things. So yeah, that is definitely a big part of how our DD/lg stuff works. And I think it could work outside of that context – like, if we were just in a different type of D/s dynamic, we could still do all that stuff – but it feels even more like I am nurturing you because it is within that context.

KS: [giggling] Yeah. So, I think when we had been dating for like a month and a half – maybe not even that long – we had a conversation about DD/lg exclusivity.

SS: Ooh, yeah. Mhm.

KS: We decided I wasn’t gonna have any other daddies and you weren’t gonna have any other little girls. That came up ‘cause you were listening to an old podcast of mine.

SS: Yeah. I think I was on a plane, and I was listening to a Dildorks episode where you kind of casually mentioned that you had talked about that with another partner, and I wanted to ask you whether you had thought about that with us.

KS: And I had, but I had not been brave enough to bring it up.

SS: [growly voice] Secrets!!

KS: Well, we’d only been dating for like a month and a half!

SS: [laughing] I know. I know.

KS: And then you did kind of a weird thing – which, I understand in retrospect why you did it, but it freaked me out so much in the moment! You told me about listening to that podcast, and then you were like, “Is that still something that you want?” but you did not indicate at all if you wanted it.

SS: Yeah. I just left the question to you.

KS: So I think I gave a very non-committal response. I think I basically was like, “I mean, yeah, but also, if you didn’t want that, I could live without it, but yeah, I do want that.” And then you were like, “Yeah, I want that too.”

SS: Yeah. I had thought about it a bunch before asking about it, because I figured that if I brought it up, that would be the conversation that we were gonna have. And while I didn’t know exactly what that would look like, when I thought about it, I definitely wanted it.

KS: Why did you want it?

SS: It feels safer to me. Nurturing somebody and being in this kind of parental, guiding role is a lot of effort and emotional work. Even though it doesn’t feel like work, it’s a lot of emotional output. I don’t think I could do it for multiple people at once, and I kind of want to see that commitment mirrored on the other side. I want to know that the person I’m doing it for and with is on the same page, ideally.

KS: I think we are.

SS: Yeah, I think so too. And also, would it be confusing for you to have multiple daddies? Like, how would you deal with conflicts in terms of the guidance you were getting from these different people? Just seems like it might be kind of hard.

KS: Yeah, I don’t know, ‘cause I’ve never really been in that position before. I’ve never even really had more than one dom at a time, so I don’t know. I guess that would have to be negotiated on a case-by-case basis. But I agree with something you said to me a while ago: that if I did have more than one dom, they would probably basically have to be in charge of different things.

SS: Right. Otherwise it just gets to a point where you’re getting conflicting information, and then you’re gonna feel really bad if you’re disappointing somebody.

KS: Yup. I would be interested to talk to other poly submissives about how they deal with that.

SS: Yeah, for sure.

KS: So, you were calling me diminutive names before we were even playing with DD/lg stuff more explicitly.

SS: [dommy voice] Oh yeah? Was I?

KS: Yeah! What do you get out of calling me names like “little one” and “princess”? Why do you like that?

SS: ‘Cause when I look at you and when I fuck you and when I cuddle you, that’s how you feel to me. You feel little and precious and beautiful and special, and I want the names that I use for you to reflect that.

KS: [giggling] It’s so nice. I feel like you actually see me the way I feel like I am, when I’m in that headspace, which is really affirming.

SS: Yeah.

KS: I have a lot of guilt about that, because I feel like, on some level, it comes from a place of internalized fatphobia – about growing up chubby and wanting to literally be seen as, and called, small. But I think it’s more about the feeling of powerlessness.

SS: Yeah, I don’t think about it in that dimension. I don’t think about your body being thinner, or whatever, than it is. I think about it more in terms of the power differential, but also the knowledge differential, I guess. Like, “daddy’s gonna show you how your body works,” or “daddy’s gonna show you how to eat oysters for the first time,” or…

KS: [giggling]

SS: Like that. Like, I’m gonna show you things about the world and about yourself, and that makes you little, because you haven’t experienced those things yet. Even if that’s not technically true – like if we’re roleplaying that – it’s still really hot to me.

KS: Yeah, me too. How is it different to relate to someone who is in little space versus them just being in subspace?

SS: Oh my god, so interesting. Oh, wow. It’s not dissimilar. There’s the case when somebody is in little space, there’s the case when they’re in subspace, and then there’s the case when they’re in both.

KS: Right.

SS: A subspacey person is still presenting as an adult, and you want to be very clear with them, because they’re spacey, but you don’t need to inhabit a role where you are older and more nurturing towards them. And when they’re in little space but not in subspace, you don’t need to do the things that you would do for somebody who is in subspace, necessarily, but you want to play into the fact that they are small and full of wonder and they want to be shown things and they’re curious and they’re playful, and you’re the adult in the situation, so you still get the final say on everything. They can ask for things, but it’s your scene. And then when they’re in little space and subspace, that’s the most fun, ‘cause they’ve got that childlike wonder and they’re also really spacey and easy to move around and steer where you want them, and it’s such an altered state that it’s really fun to play with.

KS: Do you feel differences between topspace, dom space, and “daddy space”?

SS: Topspace and dom space, to me, are pretty synonymous. I don’t really feel that much of a difference. Maybe I haven’t topped non-dominantly enough to know. Daddy space… The main difference I feel is when they’re not the same thing. So, when I’m in a not-explicitly-sexual scenario with you, like at a restaurant, or holding your hand while we cross the street, or watching you perform from the audience as your daddy, that feels a lot different to me than topspace. I’m not actively topping, I’m not doing a thing, but I still have this pride and this sense of protectiveness and care and carefulness that permeates my whole brain.

KS: Aww. That’s so cute.

SS: Yeah. And, again, when they’re combined, it’s a lot.

KS: Do you think your voice changes?

SS: Do you think so?

KS: [giggling] Well, I’m trying to think about whether your “dom voice” is different from your “daddy voice.” I do think there is a difference, and I think it’s a tenderness.

SS: Yeah, I think so too. I can totally picture me saying things in both of those voices, and I think when I’m doing stuff as your daddy, versus just as your Sir, it’s more condescending and it’s more tender at the same time.

KS: Yep. I like it.

SS: [daddy voice] You do like it, little one, don’t you? I know what you like, babygirl…

KS: [subby giggling] Hey!

SS: Hey!

KS: Heyyy!

SS: Hey! You don’t wanna get little right now?

KS: Well, I only have two more questions.

SS: Okay.

Check back on Friday for the last instalment of this interview, in which we’ll be talking about ethical concerns around DD/lg, advice for burgeoning daddy doms, literal versus non-literal ageplay dynamics, and being a submissive daddy!

Intimate Intercourse: #DaddyDomLyfe (Part 1)

Kate Sloan

Hello! Intimate Intercourse is a series where I interview my boyfriend/Sir/daddy, who goes by Super Sleepy Dude, about various topics related to sex and kink. Previously we’ve talked about phone sex; this time we’re discussing Daddy Dom/little girl kink! I’ve split this interview up into 3 parts, which will go up over the course of this week. This first part is about how my darlin’ discovered DD/lg and his daddy identity, and how we feel about me calling him that. We hope you enjoy it! Content note for this post: Daddy dom/little girl roleplay (of course), hypnosis, adult baby/diaper-lover roleplay.

Kate Sloan: Daaaaddyyyy.

Super Sleepy: Yes, babygirl?

KS: We’re gonna talk about DD/lg!

SS: DD/lg. Life is good.

KS: Are you excited?

SS: I’m ready.

KS: That’s not what I asked!

SS: I am excited!

KS: Okay. When did you first hear about DD/lg as a concept, and how did you feel about it?

SS: I think I first heard about it on Tumblr, probably through my exploration of the hypnosis community there. I started following a lot of hypnokink blogs and some of those ended up having various intersections with other kinks, DD/lg being one of them. I felt, not squicked out by it, really, but like, “Oh, that’s not really for me. I’ll just skip over that.” I didn’t quite understand the distinction between DD/lg and like, adult baby/diaper stuff. What is the acronym for that?

KS: AB/DL.

SS: AB/DL, yeah. I think at some point, after realizing that I didn’t know that, I looked up the difference and I started to understand it better.

KS: How are people combining DD/lg with hypnosis? ‘Cause I know how we do that, but I didn’t know it was, like, a thing in the fandom.

SS: Yeah, definitely a thing! The things that I’ve seen are mostly related to putting people more into “little space” with hypnosis. So, if somebody doesn’t go into little space as naturally or as quickly as you do, for instance…

KS: [laughing]

SS: …you can trance them and make them littler, or get them to the degree of littleness that you want, with trance as a tool to do that. And you can do that on a scale of literalness, where if you want to be more literal about it, you can affect their vocabulary and the way they talk and the way they act and the way they move, and if you want it to be less literal, you can affect fewer of those factors.

KS: Daddy Dom/literal girl.

SS: [laughing] Mhm!

KS: Okay, so, when we first first started dating, you told me that you didn’t think you were “a daddy, per se.”

SS: Yeah, I did say that.

KS: Yeah. What did you mean by that?

SS: I think that in my time looking at this stuff and reading about it, I had a very archetypal image of what a daddy is – maybe informed by leather daddies, maybe informed by images I’d seen on Tumblr, or both. But I didn’t feel like this significantly older caretaker, because we’re, you know, not that far apart in age, and I viewed that as a really important component of that kink.

KS: Right. What changed, that made you say “Try it” one time when I said that I wanted to call you that?

SS: I don’t think that anything changed, really. I think I’m just open to being wrong about stuff, especially stuff that I might like, because I’ve liked a lot of things that I wasn’t sure I would like before I tried them. So, to me, it was like, I don’t feel like I’m a daddy, but maybe it’ll feel really good, or maybe it won’t, and it’ll be fine, because I didn’t feel like you would be upset or not want to continue trying other stuff if it didn’t feel good. I wasn’t that scared about that.

KS: Yeah. How did it feel when I first called you that?

SS: I’d want to go back to what I said, ‘cause now I’m gonna view it through the lens that it definitely felt amazing, ‘cause it feels really really good now. But if I think back, I remember, early on, there was some stuff about ownership, and it was tied up in that. When you started calling me “daddy,” it was rare, and it was special, and it felt like I had this important place in your life even though we didn’t know each other that well and we were just starting to date. I was quickly very into that feeling.

KS: [giggling] No chill at all.

SS: Yeah.

KS: And then you started to get more into it as we did it more. We kind of joke a lot about how you are clearly a daddy, and that there were all these signs, but you didn’t know. What are some things about yourself that you’ve realized are “daddy qualities” that you didn’t notice before?

SS: Oh god, so many things. So, you’ve pointed out that on our first date, I wanted to order for you, and I wanted to share food with you, and I wanted to solve your problems, in that you wanted to make out with me and needed a place to do that, and I wanted to take care of you and handle that. And I sort of showed up in kind of businessy attire and shiny shoes, and all of that surface-level stuff, for sure, is very “daddy.” Like, I’m into fancy watches and suits and the stuff you see in black-and-white photos on Tumblr or whatever. But on a deeper level, I really really have always deeply wanted to take care of my partners. Regardless of the kink dynamics at play, I just want to take care of the people that I’m close to – friends and partners – and I want to take care of them in a way that is deeply aware of what they need, and focused on what will make them feel safe and comfortable. I didn’t really realize that not everybody felt that to the same degree that I do, but looking around, the more I think about this identity and this kink, I don’t think I realized how maybe rare that feeling is. Like, I want to provide for and take care of the person that I’m with – and on a different level, be egalitarian and equal, but in some way, kind of protect them.

KS: Interesting. You texted me a while ago, a picture of the two times that you wrote on my arm, and you were like, “This was when I was coming into my daddy-dom identity and this was when I was feeling more confident about it.”

SS: Yeah.

KS: What happened to get you to that point? Or how does that feel different?

SS: The thing that I got a lot more comfortable with is the word. You’ve written a lot about the word, and about getting comfortable with calling partners that yourself. It’s a very weighty word. It has a lot of cultural significance and psychological significance to hear someone call you “daddy” when you’re not a literal father, or even if you were, in a different context. So when we first started dating, you would call me “Sir” most of the time, and then occasionally you would call me “daddy,” and it would be sort of extra-intense and special. And then over a period of a few months, I started feeling more connected to that word than any other word. I felt more like that was my role, rather than just being your dominant or your Sir or your boyfriend. All those things are still true, but being your daddy felt so real and undeniably true, I guess. And so, when you talk about the arm photos, it’s like… The first time, I definitely felt like your daddy, but I wasn’t gonna write it on you, because that would be like making it too real, and I was still a little bit afraid of the word. And then later, that’s just the first thing I went to, because you are my little girl and I’m your daddy.

KS: [giggling] Yeah.

SS: Yeah.

KS: Aww, cute.

SS: How do you feel about it?

KS: I think that often, when we first started dating, when I would call you that, it would be in moments of extreme arousal or feeling very subspacey and very vulnerable and very dependent on you, and it would come out almost involuntarily at that point. I think that the longer we’ve dated, the easier and quicker it’s been for me to get into subspace and little space when we’re together, or when we’re talking, and so it comes more naturally. But also I think that when I first started calling you that, I was really nervous all the time that you didn’t really like it, and that you were just kind of humoring me and letting me call you that ‘cause you knew that I liked it, and so I didn’t do it very much.

SS: Yeah. I never really felt that way. I never felt like I was “letting” you do it, except for the first time, when I wasn’t sure, and then after that, I never felt that way.

KS: Yeah. I’ve had a couple of past partners who I felt like they were doing that, and I can’t really confirm that that was for sure what was going on, but I got that sense from them. There was one point several months ago when I expressed that to you, that I was nervous that you weren’t into it, and you were like, “We can explore it as deeply as you want, and you can feel it as much as you want, and you can call me it as much as you want,” and that made me feel a lot better about it.

SS: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

KS: And then I felt even better about it when you told me you felt more like my daddy than my Sir, because then I felt like I could call you that all the time.

SS: You can! I love it.

KS: But does it lose its intensity when I call you that all the time?

SS: No. No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t. I still remember very vividly the first time you said “I love you, daddy” to me. I’m pretty sure I cried. I still feel that same deep pull of really strong emotion every time you say those words to me, because it’s so much responsibility and trust and care – to not just be telling somebody that you love them but also to be telling them you love them in that way, in that dependent, small, “I trust you with everything because it’s your job to take care of me” way, you know? Yeah. That never loses its potency or immediacy or intensity to me.

To be continued on Wednesday, when we’ll discuss protocol, lifestyle domming, negotiating DD/lg exclusivity in polyamory, and kinky headspaces!

Down in the Well: Safety in Submission

Kate Sloan

There was a time – I tell you late one night, in one of our verbose phone chats – when I felt safe more-or-less all the time. When the harshest hero’s quest I ever had to face was a 9AM improv class or the first day at a new job.

And then my 19th birthday came, and my 20th, and my 21st, and somewhere in there, my brain chemistry got muddled like a botched cocktail. I became afraid all the time. Afraid of onlookers’ judgments (which never actually materialized), of strange men with knives (who never actually appeared), of calamitous catastrophes (which never actually took place).

“Social anxiety disorder,” a psychologist pronounced, finally, when I was 24. But that still didn’t feel big enough, all-encompassing enough. My fear flooded my brain and permeated my veins. It was with me always, like a clingy friend who can’t take a hint. It fused to my personality to make a new version of me, one saddled with neuroses I never dreamed I’d succumb to. All I could do was try to move forward into this new life of fear.

I don’t recall the first time someone laid on top of me after a spanking, but I do recall the immediate relief. Like a weighted blanket with a heartbeat, their mass pressed me into the mattress and seemed to say: You’re okay. I was guarded on all sides by flesh and memory foam. An old feeling came back to me that I’d forgotten: safety.

You do this to me now, sometimes, because once I asked you to. You do it unprompted, and somehow always at the right times. Your lanky boy-body sinks into me from above, cradling me from neck to ankles, as I sob and breathe and let the pain dissipate. Sometimes you whisper, You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe, but these rumblings are redundancies; my safety is implied. I can feel it in your weight, your steady breath, the very fact that you’re still here.

The silly thing is, I am safe, most of the time – I just don’t feel it. I’m deeply privileged to have never experienced violence on the basis of my race, sexual orientation, or gender. I’ve received death threats, sure – what outspoken woman or LGBTQ person on the internet hasn’t, at this point? – but they’ve all stopped cold at my computer screen. No one is after me with a gun or a knife. No one wants my people dead, except the occasional radical incel in the news or skinheaded antisemite on a street corner. To be in this position is to have won the genetic lottery a million times over.

Like many people with mental illnesses that affect their grip on the truth, I don’t know how to reconcile my reality with my ruminations. I cannot even imagine what it must be like to both feel and be unsafe, if I can barely handle the feeling part.

One night, you push me – as you often do – into catharsis through consensual pain.

It’s one of my very favorite things, and also I hate it. The slaps hammer my face or my ass, harder and faster until my brain can hardly process them. Bad thoughts bubble to the surface. I deserve this. I am trash. No one loves me. No one has ever loved me. Or sometimes my mind is just blank. I like that better.

It is difficult to explain, to anyone who does not also partake of this perversion, that sometimes this sadness is what I want. That to consent to misery and fear somehow makes those feelings more palatable than when they just rain down unbidden. The depths of my submissive sadness are like the bottom of a well – dark, musty, hopeless – but sometimes I want that well. If I’m going to end up there anyway, it feels better to climb down with conviction than to fall in or be pushed.

On this night, it feels like the tears will never end. Like I am sad because I am sadness and sadness is me. Like sadness is the way of my heart, has always been, will always be. The question flickers across my mind: Am I safe? I truly don’t know.

“You’re safe,” you say, as if you heard my thoughts somehow. I cry harder, but not for much longer, because with these words, you’ve tossed a rickety rope ladder down into my well.

Being a masochistic submissive, I date my fair share of sadistic dominants, many of whom are turned on by tears and other signs of distress. Though most have been consent-conscious and good-hearted, in many cases their arousal pushed them to push me. Unlike some submissives, I do not feel sexy when tears are streaming down my face. I feel inconsolable: sad to the point of sickness. It always passes, and then I am often ready for hot mouths and hard cocks – but not before.

You know this. You wait. You give me gentle kisses and ample assurances. And if it is important, then, to blast the panic from my brain with an orgasm, you are well-equipped to do that too.

We attend a session together about anarchist D/s at a sex conference, and I cry more than I was expecting to. Which, let’s be real: I was expecting to cry a fair bit.

One panelist describes how care and love can look different in power-play dynamics than they do for vanilla folks, but they are still care and love. Case in point: their dom sometimes locks them in a closet to mitigate their panic attacks. I scribble furiously in my notebook: You’re safe in that small, contained space, and you don’t have to come out until someone else makes the choice for you. It would be reductive to say I sigh with relief. My whole body relaxes with a profound and transformative yes.

“You can use the world-building tools of D/s to create a safe space for someone who never feels safe,” the panelist continues. They glance over at their dom and earn a nod of approval. “It’s like: ‘I’m in charge here, so you have to believe what I say, and what I’m saying is that you are safe, because I said so.'”

You grab my thigh with your big warm hand, and I know you’re feeling what I’m feeling. Our eyes dart toward one another’s in silent recognition. Hot tears spill down my cheeks and onto my frazzled notes. Crying in public is one of my biggest fears, but I don’t feel scared now. Your steely blue eyes are holding mine like a wooden ship, like a dustjacket, like a pair of strong arms.

Later, in our hotel room, we wander into the closet, as if magnetically tugged. You shut the slatted door behind us. I breathe in the scent of your suit jacket hanging there, and, closer: you. The man I desperately love.

I think, as you begin to push me against a folded ironing board and kiss me hard, that we’ve messed up this thing we were trying to try. The idea was for you to leave me in the closet alone, see what it did to my anxiety. But, as per usual, you’ve joined me in my darkness. You don’t want me to be scared or to feel scared, to feel alone or to be alone. Your hand on my face makes it clear that I’m not.

There is a big metal safe in this closet, with a combination lock and a sense of heavy justice. But though I’m afraid of everything, I don’t want to lock myself away, because that would mean I’d have to stop touching you.

It is terrifying to rely on a person – any person – for one’s sense of safety, because that person could leave at any time. I learned this all too well last summer when my daddy dom – a role I had thought meant something along the lines of unconditional love and acceptance – dropped me in a flash. Once I had collected the shards of my broken heart off the floor, I vowed never to trust anyone that much again, never to rely on anyone that much again. These are not new or unique promises to make after a heartbreak, but we keep making them again and again because they feel that salient, that necessary.

However, in re-integrating into the world, I’ve come to see that no one is truly independent, nor is that necessarily a state to aspire to. For my sense of safety, I rely not only on you but on my friends, my family, even the characters in shows I watch on bad depression nights. “Needing others is perceived [in modern Western culture] as a weakness,” Adam Phillips and Barbara Taylor write in their book On Kindness. “Dependence is scorned even in intimate relationships, as though dependence were incompatible with self-reliance rather than the only thing that makes it possible.”

You speak often of how you want our D/s dynamic to be a mentorship of sorts, prodding me toward my goals and shoring up my self-esteem. You are teaching me, little by little, to feel safe; to recognize and accept when I am safe. My body and brain are practicing this sensation under your watchful dominance. It is quite unlike any education I have ever endured.

BDSM is an infinite imaginative space, one that allows for off-the-wall roleplays and absurd scenarios. You can be a rock star, a pirate, an alien. But the situation I reach for most often in kink – the one that turns me on most potently, in my head and down my skirt – is simply that I am loved and I am safe.

This is telling. This is embarrassing, perhaps. And I don’t want to stop.

Intimate Intercourse: Phone Sex (Part 3)

Kate Sloan

Hello again! This is Intimate Intercourse, a series where I interview my boyfriend/Sir/Daddy, Super Sleepy Dude, about topics relating to sex and kink. This is the final part of a 3-part interview about phone sex; you can read part 1 here and part 2 here. In this last instalment, we talk about aftercare, debriefing, and embarrassing mouth malfunctions.

Kate Sloan: Tell me about phone-sex aftercare.

Super Sleepy: Yeah. This is not something that I had really done before having phone sex with you, as a practice. A lot of the phone sex I had before dating you was very vanilla phone sex, and I still think it’s important for that, but I think when you have kink plus distance plus less information, it’s really really important. We learned that pretty quickly, because we had kinky phone sex and then not enough aftercare and it didn’t feel good for you. It didn’t really feel good for me, either. It feels good in the moment and then there’s this weird disconnect afterwards. So, what have we evolved to, in terms of phone-sex aftercare? It’s pretty similar to in-person aftercare for us. Like, you know, after a little bit of breathing and clean-up and stuff, we’re very cuddly; we try to make sure that you have snacks available, water, stuff like that… What else do we do?

KS: Sometimes we talk about what we liked. But mostly we do that the next day.

SS: Right. It’s easier for you to talk about what you liked the next day, so that’s what we’ve come to with that. But even if we’re not talking about the specifics of what we liked right after the scene, we are very complimentary of one another, generally. I talk about what a good girl you were and how well you took it for me, and you talk often about what you felt, what your orgasm felt like, stuff like that. That’s a nice come-down. And then we just try to make sure that there’s enough time. Often we’re having phone sex late at night, and that means planning ahead a little bit and not starting the scene 30 minutes before we both need to be asleep for work the next day, because then you’re not building in enough time for aftercare, or you’re going to be too tired to do the aftercare properly. So have phone sex earlier, kids! That’s what I’m saying.

KS: [laughing] Time management is one of your core competencies.

SS: Time management. That’s right.

KS: Okay, one more thing – about the next-day debriefs. I feel like they’re an extension of aftercare, and also we learn from them. What are your thoughts on debriefs?

SS: I agree; they’re really, really important to me. We have phone sex a lot – I don’t know if this has been posted on the internet anywhere, if anyone knows that, but – we don’t always do it. We don’t have an 100% debrief rate. I think in the cases where we skip it or are too busy to do it or whatever, it’s usually when we’ve done a phone-sex scene that is pretty similar to a lot of other phone-sex scenes that we’ve done, so there’s not a lot new to talk about. But whenever we do anything intense, risky, new, a new roleplay scenario, more literal ageplay stuff, anything edgy for either of us, we make sure to do the debriefs, and they are emotionally really comforting and satisfying and I’m usually really proud of myself for making you feel really good, but they’re also a learning opportunity – because if we did a whole scene and I said something as a professor and you really really liked it, where can I reuse that in other contexts? Like you said earlier in the interview, maybe that context is in person. Maybe it’s in a totally different roleplay scenario, or maybe or it’s in a phone-sex scene where we’re not really doing much roleplay at all. All of that is interesting, and I especially like talking about the words that made us come. Like, what was the phrase or series of things that really pushed you over the edge? That’s a favorite phone-sex follow-up question that you should ask.

KS: Yep, that’s a good one.

SS: It’s often hard for one or both of us to remember them, but usually one of us can pull it out. There’s a lot going on at that point.

KS: Yeah, your mind goes blank.

SS: Uh-huh.

KS: Okay. I’m done. Is there anything I missed that you wanted to talk about? Or final parting words of advice?

SS: Well, yeah. I wanna ask you this: when we started dating, you said you weren’t into phone sex, right? What has been different about the phone sex that we’ve had, or what has changed in you, that you’re now more into it and having a lot of it?

KS: I think necessity was the first foot in the door of why I was willing to give it another shot, because what else would we do? Sexting is fine, but I don’t usually get off that way, and I’m usually running around, going about my day, instead of having a dedicated sexting sesh. But also, I think, my past experiences with phone sex were like, I was being expected to say more shit, and – I don’t know if it’s because I am not practiced at that skill, or just because I go nonverbal when I’m subby, so that’s really hard for me, and if I force myself to not go nonverbal, then it pulls me out of the scene. It’s just really hard for me to be both of those things at the same time. And so there was the pressure to say things – which also turns into anxiety about “Am I saying the right things?” – and also always a lot of anxiety about “taking too long to come.” I don’t really worry about that with you anymore, but I used to worry about, like, “Is he mad that he’s just been saying shit for half an hour?”

SS: Right. Definitely not. That does trigger a thing that I want to say, if you’re done. If you had another thing you wanted to say, that’s cool too.

KS: No, I think that’s the main thing. I think I just needed to find someone whose style and approach to it was compatible with me.

SS: A good match. Yeah. What I wanted to say, and I guess this is as good a parting word as any, is: if you’re talking a lot in phone sex – if you’re talking for an hour straight, or even if it is more balanced and 50-50 – you are gonna say stuff that makes no sense.

KS: [laughing]

SS: It’s a hazard of the situation. And unlike in dirty talk in physical sex, where you have something to fall back on – like maybe you’re doing a good thing with your hands, or your dick, or whatever – you don’t have that, so it can be a little bit awkward when you say the wrong thing. My advice, when that happens, is to laugh about it – it’s totally fine to giggle about it for a second – and just like, say a better thing. Just keep moving forward. Don’t be like “Oh god, no, I can’t do it!” It’s fine. You’re talking a lot. Weird syllables are gonna come out of your mouth. It’s normal.

KS: I can’t even… The only one I can think of is when you told me I was “too good for my own good.”

SS: I said that. I’ve called my cock “little” at least twice, because I was trying to call you “little” but I got my wires crossed.

KS: You use that adjective…

SS: So much.

KS: …like seasoning, so it comes up.

SS: Yeah. There’s been a bunch. There’ve been words that were not words at all, they’re just, like, garbled syllables. I hear all of them. I’m somewhat of a perfectionist about this, so I hear every mistake.

KS: I really had trouble thinking of anything, so don’t worry about it so much.

SS: In every time, there’s at least one, and eventually I’ll get them to zero. No. It’s impossible. It’s totally fine and normal.

KS: Yeah, it’s fine. Okay. Thank you, love.

SS: Thank you, little one.

Hope you enjoyed this interview! I’m hoping to do more of these in the future; we have a lot to talk about. Feel free to comment with suggestions for what you’d like to see us discuss – or your own favorite tips for phone sex!