Monthly Faves: Robots, Doctors, & Hearts

Wow, what a wild month. I hope you’re keeping well in this unprecedented time, my loves. In an attempt at recapturing normalcy, here’s a list of sexy and sexy-adjacent things I enjoyed this month…

Sex toys

• My favorite sex-related acquisition of the month was my hot pink Clone-a-Willy. I mean, of course it’s my favorite – it’s my partner’s dick, immortalized in silicone. Getting fucked with it has been a delight.

• When we did a Dildorks episode wherein I hypnotized Bex (you can watch the video here if you’re a Patreon supporter of ours, or if you choose to become one), I used my trusty pink Tarina Tarantino heart necklace as a pendulum for the inductions. I really can’t think of an object I’d like better for this purpose. #HypnoFemme

• Sutil has become my favorite lube brand, and this month they sent me a care package containing enough lube to last me the rest of the year, at least. Their “Rich” lube is a must-have for me these days – it’s thick and long-lasting enough for just about any sexual activity I get up to.

Fantasy fodder

• I asked my partner a while ago what kind of content I should write about COVID-19 and one of the things they suggested was medical roleplay… At first I was like “TOO SOON!” but honestly, turning my anxiety-fuelled daymares into over-the-top sexual fantasies about doctors and masks, etc. has been a helpful coping mechanism for me! If you have coronavirus-related sexual fantasies (and don’t think it’s gauche to discuss them), feel free to sound off in the comments…

• Lately my partner has been coming fairly regularly while giving me oral sex – through a combination of grinding against the sheets and just finding my vulva/sounds/wetness really hot, apparently – and it really brings new meaning to the whole interaction. I’m much more able to relax into receiving sensation, even for a long time, if I feel like my pleasure is hugely pleasurable for my partner as well!

• My partner and I have been working our way through Westworld (more on that in the Media section) and it’s full of delicious perviness. The idea of being a sex robot built specifically to give pleasure – and of not even knowing that that’s what you’re for – is immensely hot to me… not to mention the low-key hypnokink stuff that’s all over that show!

Sexcetera

• Some of my work elsewhere this month: In my newsletter, I wrote about sex when you’re sick, pandemic anxiety coping methods, and why bars are the places I miss most at this time. On The Dildorks, we interviewed JoEllen Notte about sex and depression, did a hypno scene, and talked about solo kink and sex and dating in the time of coronavirus. Our guests on Question Box included sex writer Ana Valens, voiceover artist Sarah Sumeray, and my brother Max – and we also did a St. Patrick’s Day special where Brent and I got extremely drunk (go look it up in your podcatcher of choice; it’s a hoot). I also guested on the Sofia Gray podcast to talk about pubic hair, and my pal Erin Pim invited me back onto the Bed Post podcast for an enlightening discussion about keeping long-distance relationships fun and sexy (very relevant right now!).

• Ever wanted to see my partner give me a spanking? Good news: now you can rent a scene on MakeLoveNotPorn depicting just that! It’s a video of our traditional New Year’s spanking (yes, it’s a few months old now), where my Sir makes me list my achievements and goals between hits. I think you’ll dig it!

• Sextistics: This month I had phone sex 12 times, and then my partner came to stay with me and we had in-person sex 13+ times (it isn’t quite the end of the month yet at time of writing so I’m not sure of the total). Look, you gotta fill those quarantine hours somehow!

Fashion & beauty

• The great Rachel Syme started a hashtag called #DistanceButMakeItFashion wherein people are encouraged to dress up despite the lack of anywhere to go, and post pictures of their fancy outfits. It’s become a Sunday tradition but you can really do it any time. I enjoyed getting dolled up in shades of blue, and (on another occasion) swathing myself in velvet and doing a sharp cut crease.

• Did you know Zenni makes PRESCRIPTION heart-shaped glasses?! I got myself a pair in red, and I absolutely love them. When I bought them, I figured I’d only bust them out on special occasions, but I’ve actually been wearing them almost every time I leave the house for a socially-distanced walk or a rare trip to the store – I feel that I might as well brighten people’s days in these bleak times if I can, and they make me feel cute as hell, too!

• My pal Clementine Morrigan has a new T-shirt available featuring gorgeous art from one of their zines. I am loving mine!

Media

• I’m late to the party but I finally started watching Westworld, HBO’s dark thriller about an Old West-themed amusement park staffed with sentient robots who slowly start to realize that their world and their very existence are a contrivance. Lots of people recommended this show to me back when I was working on a piece about how sex robots could shape our sexual culture, and they were right to do so: it’s full of tricky ethical questions about sadism, solipsism, and the nature of artificial intelligence.

• Like seemingly everyone on Twitter right now, I am obsessed with the new Animal Crossing game, New Horizons. It’s an extremely relaxing and adorable life simulation game. I’ve been fishing and crafting my troubles away!

• One of my favorite distractions these days is the YouTube channel How to Drink, which my partner introduced me to a while ago. Greg, the affable host, makes excellent cocktails while jovially explaining how you can make them too. His 4-hour-long “quarantine special” livestream was a breath of fresh air – he taught us all how to make a “quarantini” while being good-natured and sweet and cute. Thanks for the escapism (and the drink ideas), Greg.

Little things

My therapist being excited to hear that I did shrooms. A flower from Zoe as an “It’s almost your birthday!” gift. Getting overly dressed up for karaoke. Kale salad at Insomnia. Watching Cats with the rowdy Drunk Feminist Films crew and my mom. Taking socially-distanced walks through parks and down to the harbor. FaceTiming with the fam. My surprisingly awesome tax advisor (and the relief of getting my taxes paid on time). At-home cocktails lovingly prepared by my sweetheart. Wearing bright colors to combat the gloominess of the weather and just, y’know, the world right now. Use Your Words nights with Dan and Sarah. Owning an embarrassment of peanut butter. Livestreams from Civil Liberties. Being with my love, who makes me feel safe even when the world is scary.

Self-Isolating and Bored? Here’s 15 Pieces of Media to Entertain You…

Dear friends: This is a hard time. I’m proud of you for wherever you’re at, whether you can’t stop crying in bed or you’re doing pretty okay actually (or something else entirely). Whatever reaction you’re having is valid – as long as you’re not one of those “This virus is cleansing the planet!!” ecofascists or a “But people should still pay their rent somehow!!” capitalist.

My friend JoEllen recently published a list of “comfort media” to consume in These Trying Times. I wanted to do something similar, although I will say that not all of these works are necessarily comforting. Some of them are just cathartic, or absorbing, or all of the above. When I’m sad or anxious, sometimes I don’t want to turn away from those feelings – sometimes I want to walk right into them, revel in them, exorcize them from my body.

In that spirit, here are 15 pieces of media, across various genres and formats, that I think you might find helpful right now in one way or another. (A note: all the links to books in this post go to the Powell’s website. Powell’s is a great indie bookstore that you should absolutely support in these tough times if you can, instead of lining Bezos’s already-overstuffed pockets.)


Stephen King, it must be said, is a problematic fave. However, he has written some of the best apocalyptic fiction in the biz. I often find it useful to focus on his terrifying stories in times that are, themselves, also terrifying – because, I reason, I may be having a tough time but at least I’m not handcuffed to a dead man’s bed (Gerald’s Game) or running away from my axe-wielding husband (The Shining).

There are three King novels that feel particularly salient to me in These Times, and they are as follows. Under the Dome is one of my all-time favorite books – it’s a hefty 1,000 pages but the pace is snappy enough to make that seem reasonable, as is often the case with King. In this story, an invisible but impenetrable “dome” descends on a small town in Maine called Chester’s Mill, cutting off its residents from the outside world and plunging the population into a panic. You’ll see familiar moments in this story – grocery store riots, lying politicians – but also moments of hope, triumph, and the goodness of humanity. (P.S. If you like audio formats, you honestly owe it to yourself to read Under the Dome as an audiobook – it’s read by the ever-wonderful Raúl Esparza and is beyond compare in its genre, IMO.)

The King novel most prescient of our current situation is, of course, The Stand, his epic novel about a flu strain engineered by the army as a biological weapon which then gets leaked into the world by accident. It quickly infects and kills over 99% of Earth’s population, and the survivors are left to cobble together some semblance of a new society in the wreckage. There’s lots of good stuff in here about friendship, grit, and goodness – all balanced with plenty of that signature King darkness and evil. This book shows a version of pandemic response that’s far more drastic than anything our world will likely face due to COVID-19, so it’s escapist in the sense that it allows you to think, “Well, things are bad, but at least they’re not this bad.”

I also gotta shout out my favorite lesser-known King novel, the relatively recent Sleeping Beauties, which he co-wrote with his son Owen. This one’s also about an apocalyptic scenario of sorts: all the women on Earth start contracting a mysterious illness where, when they fall asleep, they essentially go into a coma and cannot be awakened. Hilariously, we then get to see what happens when the men of the world are left to fend for themselves. Chaos ensues, obviously. This one isn’t as well-reviewed as some other King novels, but I wonder how much of that is due to its vaguely feminist themes!


If you like podcasts and/or roleplaying games and haven’t yet dove into the amazingness that is The Adventure Zone, you’re in for a treat. It’s my favorite podcast of all time – maybe even my favorite piece of narrative media ever? It has made me laugh and cry more than any other podcast, certainly.

TAZ is the three McElroy brothers (of My Brother, My Brother and Me and Polygon fame) playing tabletop RPGs with their dad. The first campaign, Balance, follows a flamboyant wizard named Taako, a wholesome carpenter named Magnus, and a goofy cleric named Merle as they work to collect 7 dangerous relics from all over their magical world. Start with episode 1; after that, there’s still SEVENTY-SIX more episodes for you to listen to in the first campaign alone. (Yeah, it’s a hugely epic story.) One of the later campaigns, Amnesty, is also a gorgeous blend of comedy, camaraderie, and magical realism.

While we’re talking about immersive fantasy podcasts: have you heard of Hello from the Magic Tavern? It’s an almost entirely improvised narrative fiction podcast about a guy named Arnie who accidentally falls through a magic portal into a faraway fantasy land called Foon. Looking to understand the planet he’s landed on, Arnie sets up his podcast recording equipment at a nearby tavern and begins weekly interviews with various guests from around Foon – swordsmen, shopkeeps, goblins, and royalty – all while backed up by his two faithful cohosts, a self-aggrandizing wizard named Usidore and a horny shapeshifter called Chunt. Start with episode 1 and get lost in Foon – it definitely seems better than Earth right now!


Brilliant comedian and musician Lane Moore wrote a book called How to Be Alone which feels particularly needed at this time. It’s full of thoughts about anxiety, attachment, and the longing for intimacy, but its tone is ultimately hopeful – by the time I finished this book, I felt much better about the idea that I might not always have a partner, or tons of close friends, and that might be okay. If you’re struggling with feelings of loneliness and isolation, pick this one up; reading it is like having a profound chat with a good, smart pal.

Lane is also doing a nightly Twitch show (last I checked, anyway) at 8 p.m. Eastern time, also called How to Be Alone, that you can watch right here. She describes it as being like Pee-Wee’s Playhouse for lonely adults – and don’t we all need that right now?!


Looking for something uplifting to read? You really can’t do much better than Alexandra Franzen’s You’re Going to Survive, for which she interviewed professionals across multiple fields (cuisine! music! fashion! non-profits!) about the hardest moments of their careers and how they got to the other side. I’ve never seen a more striking illustration of the notion that “this too shall pass,” always.


If you’re less about distraction and more the type of person who likes to dive directly into your feelings and face them head-on, I highly recommend the movie Contagion (2011), a fast-paced thriller about a high-mortality virus that originates in bats and pigs and quickly spreads around the world. It’s topping the charts right now on streaming sites and whatnot; evidently a lot of people are turning to it, for one reason or another.

The main thing I found comforting about this film is that the scientific and medical professionals in it are incredibly competent and smart (and are, notably, mostly women). The science presented in the movie was thoroughly researched and the moviemakers consulted professionals in the relevant fields, so one could even say Contagion is educational. On an emotional level, watching the brilliantly-acted suffering of Matt Damon’s character – who (mild spoilers here) loses his wife and son within the first few minutes of the movie – is cathartic in the most ineffable of ways. He is us and we are him. Hang in there, Matt Damon.


If you like fanfiction – and even if you don’t – the novel-length Sherlock stories written by Katie Forsythe (a.k.a. Wordstrings) are worth looking into. She’s a brilliant writer who explores themes of mental illness through the familiar characters of the Holmes universe. I find it’s very hard to worry about my own problems (or even my own planet’s problems) when I’m tracking Sherlock and John’s journeys through crime scenes, drug hazes, and sexual tension.

All the Best and Brightest Creatures might be my fave. An asexual (but not sex-repulsed) Sherlock gets together with a bewildered-yet-horny John, all while they try to solve mysteries set in place by one Jim Moriarty. I’m not sure I’ve ever read a fanfic story so gripping. And conveniently, Archive of Our Own lets you export fanfic in formats that’ll work on your e-reader, so you can lounge in bed or in the tub with Sherlock and John to keep you company.


It’s all too easy to fall into a YouTube rabbit hole these days, consuming news videos and conspiracy videos galore about the current situation. But why not make your YouTube gallivanting into a more pleasant, educational, and uplifting endeavor? I can’t recommend Philosophy Tube highly enough – it’s a campy-yet-esoteric video series in which the dazzling Olly Thorn presents his ideas on topics as wide-ranging as sex work, witchcraft, and Jordan Peterson. He takes an honest look at the world as it is, and theorizes on ways it could be better, kinder, stronger. His videos are also plenty theatrical and silly at times – this isn’t some dry philosophy lecture!

While I’m talking about YouTube, I would be remiss not to mention the Bon Appetit channel, which is basically porn if you enjoy food, competence, and kindness. Our mess of a planet kind of fades into the background while you’re watching, for example, Claire Saffitz trying to make KitKat bars from scratch, or Amiel Stanek sampling every way to cook an egg. I wish the channel would start putting out videos of the BA chefs making quarantine-appropriate dishes from their own separate homes!


If you are a video game person, you’ve probably already been turning to your games of choice for entertainment and comfort. But if you’re looking for recommendations specific to this moment, I’ve gotta say that the immersive, competitive, and plot-driven nature of the Pokémon games has made them invaluable to me through all of this. You add “pocket monsters” to your team, train them, and battle with them, all while traversing strange lands and meeting interesting people. I would suggest starting with HeartGold or SoulSilver if you’re new to the series – they’re both fairly accessible and they also take longer to get through than most (if not all) of the other main-series games. If visuals are important to you, the X/Y and Sun/Moon versions look much nicer, though they are definitely less challenging than previous iterations.

There’s also the game everyone is talking about right now, Animal Crossing. A new version is out for the Switch but I’m also quite partial to the 3DS version, New Leaf. Animal Crossing is essentially the Seinfeld of games, in that it’s a game about nothing: you have a house in a small idyllic town, and you can make friends with your neighbors, decorate your home, go fishing, buy cute clothes, and just generally lead a low-stakes fantasy existence. If you need a whole other life to distract you from your real life, Animal Crossing is definitely a good option.

Along similar lines, it’s very easy to get absorbed in any Harvest Moon game. The focus of these is farming, which doesn’t seem like it would be that interesting – and indeed, sometimes isn’t – but it has clear goals, and sometimes you need that. You can also befriend (and even marry) other villagers, mine for valuable ores, upgrade your home, take care of livestock, and cook from recipes. My favorite in the series is the very simple and straightforward Friends of Mineral Town.


What media are you turning to these days?

You Can Test Out This Cool New Sex App With Your Partner

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I have dated and fucked more game developers than the average person. There are concrete reasons to bang game devs over other types of people, sure, but I think I’m just fundamentally, viscerally drawn to people who nerd out about games. I’m not much of a gamer myself, but show me a room full of dweeby video-game enthusiasts and I’ll show you a room where I will get my flirt on.

So, as you might imagine, games and sex integrate pretty frequently in my life. My game-dev ex once built us a game for Valentine’s Day that spun two wheels: one randomly selected a verb (lick, suck, spank, tease…) and one, a body part (ear, tongue, thighs, labia…) and you had to perform said act to said body part. It was somehow both sexy and hilarious. I also love the idea of dice-based spanking games, Truth or Dare as a sexy starter course for shy folks, and a long-distance kink partner telling me I have to do [X brave thing] before I earn [Y reward]. See? Games and sex are a fantastic combination.

My involvements with game devs have also taught me that it’s super fun to be involved in a game’s prototype/development stage. You get to offer feedback that potentially shapes the final game, and your very experience of having fun (or not having fun, as the case may be) is what the developer is watching out for. It’s like being in a goofy science experiment, only with more autonomy and agency.

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I’m telling you all this because I want you to know about Lovely, a smart new sex toy and app in its development stage. It’s not exactly a game, but the spirit of it is playful and it challenges you to get better, like a game does. Lovely is a vibrating cock ring meant to be worn during intercourse, and the accompanying app suggests personalized sex positions, stimulation techniques, and other saucy tune-ups. It looks like a real hoot!

What I love about sexy games is that they give me an “excuse” to do things I might otherwise be too shy or anxious to do, even with a trusted partner. It takes a lot of gumption to say, “Hey, how ’bout tonight we don’t do that thing we always do, and try this new thing instead?” Sex is hard to talk about, and anything that makes it easier is a good innovation in my books!

Lovely is currently in the process of recruiting couples to test their product and offer feedback on the app and the toy itself. The product will retail for $169, but tester couples can get it for $99. Their suggestions will be used to shape the way the app’s algorithms work, making it into a better and better product over time. Think of it like performing a philanthropic act for the future customers who’ll benefit from your feedback – only with way more orgasms than philanthropy usually involves!

You only have three more days to sign up to be a tester – so if you wanna get in the ground floor of this cool new couples’ toy, sign up quick!

 

Heads up, babes: this post was sponsored, but as always, all writing and opinions are my own!

5 Reasons Gamers Are Good in Bed

They say you should have things in common with the people you date. And this just makes sense. You’ll have more to talk about, and more activities you can enjoy together, if you like the same stuff.

But I have a problem, and maybe you can relate in some way… I find myself inexplicably, consistently, palpably attracted to video game nerds – and I am not, myself, even remotely a “gamer girl.”

Don’t get me wrong: I own a 3DS, I’ve sunk many many hours into the Pokémon and Golden Sun series over the years, and I play The Sims and word game apps more often than is probably considered healthy. But gamer culture, and obsessiveness over games, has never really appealed to me. And I’d rather have a conversation about, say, tax law or the weather than hear one more dissection of why side-scrollers are better than first-person shooters or whatever.

But… probably upwards of 70% of the people I’ve ever seriously been attracted to have been video game nerds. Hell, my last (and only) serious boyfriend was a game developer. Video games are in my blood and in my heart, somehow. I wish it wasn’t so, but alas.

It’s worth noting, too, that video game culture is famously cruel to women. I haven’t encountered much of that in my life, except on the internet – the vast majority of gamer dudes I meet are actually lovely – but it’s an important detail in this issue nonetheless.

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However, setting all that aside… there are some common advantages to dating and fucking gamers. Here are a few of them.

 

1. They’re dexterous and coordinated.

Their fingers are strong from mashing buttons. They’re equally comfortable pounding your “buttons” hard and fast or slow and steady. Their brain-to-hands connection is super quick and responsive from thousands of hours of practice. Um. Yes. Enough said.

 

2. They live to solve puzzles.

Games like Limbo are all about finding creative solutions to problems, through trial and error. Not that your sexual response (or lack thereof) is a problem, necessarily, but it can be a challenge – at least, that’s how I think lots of gamers view it. “How can I figure out this person’s body as quickly as possible, and use what I learn to make them feel as good as possible?”

In my experience, gamers intuitively understand that not only does every body respond differently to different types of stimulation, but also that this is a good and fun thing. One of my favorite parts of sex is giving and taking direction, adapting techniques over time to follow feedback you get from your partner, and I find that gamers are more than willing to engage in this process. In many cases, they relish it.

 

3. They’ll remember what works and what doesn’t.

My ex knew his way through Viridian Forest like it was his own back yard – and all the neurons that aided in that process were probably also at play when he navigated my vulva.

Genitals can be like a map, and each person’s has a unique topography. Press here for pleasure; avoid this spot ’cause it’s painful; this part’s ticklish; this part needs to be warmed up first; this area needs intense pressure while this area can only handle the lightest touch… These are all important things to know, and gamers have already strengthened the parts of their brains that cling onto important geographic details.

 

4. They like practicing and improving.

Lots of gamers love unlocking achievements and beating records. Getting better at sex with a particular person is fun in the same kind of way.

My ex used to get gleeful when he made me come in a way that was new to me, or learned a new sexual skill. Sometimes he would literally use the words “Achievement unlocked!” which maybe would’ve annoyed me slightly if I wasn’t always near-comatose in a post-orgasmic daze at the time.

I think improvement can become an addiction for some people, and that’s something gamers need to watch out for: it’s no fun to be with someone who’s obsessed with making you come a certain way. But a small dose of this aspirational perfectionism can make sex awesome.

 

5. They appreciate the journey even more than the end result.

It’s satisfying as hell to beat the Elite Four, but it wouldn’t feel nearly as good if you hadn’t spent dozens of hours growing emotionally connected to your Pokémon, leveling them up, carefully choosing their movesets, and so on.

A sexual corollary: orgasm is fun, but gamers don’t want to skip straight to it. That’d be like using cheat codes. What would be the point? Games are meant to be played moreso than they’re meant to be won.

Orgasm-focused sex can be such a bummer. I love orgasms, don’t get me wrong, but it’s no fun for anyone when orgasms are your measuring stick for whether or not a sex session “succeeded.” If you and your partner had fun and experienced pleasure, I count that as a success. I think gamers understand that, for the most part. A day spent grinding (in the game sense, not the sexy sense…!) can still be productive and fun, even if you haven’t beaten the final boss by the time the day is out.

 

Have you dated/fucked gamers? Or are you one, yourself? What other qualities make them fun sexual partners?