Zumio

In January, a business associate flew me to California to attend ANME – the Adult Novelty Manufacturers’ Expo – to do intel for a prospective sex magazine project I had been hired to co-helm. My friend and I were tasked with cruising the aisles of the event, networking with sex toy companies who might be interested in partnering with us in various ways. The project never ended up materializing (thanks, COVID!) but it was a fun experience nonetheless – and I ended up going home with a handful of new sex toys, natch! Here are a few of them…

The Zumio S is an update on the classic Zumio clitoral oscillator, the king of intense pinpoint stimulation. The S, as its initial might imply, is specifically designed for people with high levels of sensitivity, like me. The tip has been broadened into a small sphere – as opposed to the narrow alien-antenna shape of the original – so its speedy circular oscillation feels less intense and more diffuse. (Oscillation, incase you need a refresher, is different from vibration in that it tends to feel “deeper” and cause less of the transient numbness vibrators can create. It’s the reason my Eroscillator is still my all-time favorite clit toy, bar none.)

Normally, I would not recommend that any toy designers make a weaker version of their product, since there’s a lot you can do to mitigate a too-strong vibrator (use it indirectly, use it through fabric, use an attachment, etc.) but there’s basically nothing you can do if your vibe is too weak, other than cry and see if the store will accept a return. However, in this case, I think Zumio actually made the right call. As I noted in my review, the original Zumio felt waaaay too strong for me, sometimes even on the lowest setting, and I only ever used the first 3 settings out of 8. The revamped S is much chiller and doesn’t make my clit want to run away. I don’t even need to use it through underwear like I did with the first model.

However, as other reviewers have pointed out, the best way to use the Zumio is to hold it against the outer labia (depending on your body – your mileage may vary). When I do this, the oscillations no longer feel like they’re zapping the tip of my clit with pure, overwhelming sensation, the way the first Zumio sometimes did; instead, they travel through my skin and flesh to stimulate the whole shaft of my clit, creating a more profound type of pleasure and much more reliable and pleasurable orgasms. It’s pretty amazing that this vibe is so strong it can get me off through two layers of labia; usually it’s only powerhouse wand vibrators that can do that.

Reviewers’ opinions are all over the map on this, but my general impression is that the Zumio S would be the best choice for the majority of people. If you really, really like intense and targeted clitoral stimulation, maybe the Zumio X or newly-released Zumio E is more your style – but if you’ve ever felt clitorally overwhelmed by a vibe, odds are good the S would be better suited to you. These toys are on the expensive side – $140 Canadian, less in the States – so if you’re at all uncertain about liking pinpoint stimulation, I’d skip ’em and go with a more universally appreciable choice like the Tango or even a Magic Wand. The Zumio line of toys is best for people who really, really adore intensely targeted clit stim – which isn’t always me, but when that’s what I want, I gotta have a Zumio.

I forget whether it was Bex or Kevin Patterson who first turned me on to the Tenga SVR – both of them proselytize this vibe on the regular – but in any case, I’m glad I finally got to try one out. This rechargeable vibrator is technically a cock ring, and sure, you could use it that way… but its shape and motor are such that it also works plenty great on clits. Its best-known “alternate use” is for fingerbanging (ideally fingerbanging other people, though if you’re flexible you could try it on yourself): slip your fingers through the silicone loop and vibrations will transmit through them, even while they’re inside somebody, while the rest of the vibrator can rumble wonderfully against their clit or perineum.

You know how almost every vibrator claims in its marketing copy that it’s powerful, rumbly, quiet, discreet, travel-friendly, and versatile? The Tenga SVR actually is those things. The motor fucking rules: it’s got a great bassy undercurrent of rumbliness that creeps into slightly buzzier territory as you ascend into the heights of its 5 steady speeds, but it’s never the type of annoying, desensitizing buzziness that makes my clit want to cry. The silicone is really soft and sexy to the touch, and easy to clean, especially since the toy is waterproof. This is an easy vibe for me to hold and operate, even when my hands are hurting, because its one button is easy to locate and press, and sliding my fingers through the loop ensures I won’t lose my grip on the toy. Most thoughtfully, the SVR comes with a small, plain plastic storage case that protects it from lint and dust when you toss it in your bag – and it is definitely the type of vibrator I like to toss in my bag, whether for a quick booty-call across the city or an international flight.

In the world of vibrators, the SVR often gets overshadowed by Tenga’s other offerings, many of which look like characters from My Neighbor Totoro. But the SVR is no less good for being so comparatively understated. Rather than blow their design budget on bells and whistles, with this toy Tenga opted to focus on what actually matters in a vibrator (in my view, anyway): power, ergonomics, and versatility. Kudos!

Finally, let’s talk about the Satisfyer Curvy 2+… I received this as-yet-unreleased toy in a swag bag at ANME and it seems it still hasn’t been released in North America yet, over 6 months later. It is, however, available from some international shops, so maybe it’ll make its way over here eventually.

Like all the toys Satisfyer is best known for, the Curvy 2+ uses “Air Pulse technology” to create a clitoral sensation that feels like the exact middle point between receiving cunnilingus from a robot and rhythmically pumping the world’s weakest clit pump. However, this one’s a bit different, for two main reasons: Firstly, it can be controlled via Satisfyer’s smartphone app (which I didn’t test, because I’m sick to death of vibrator apps, but I know some folks love ’em), and secondly, if you flip the toy around, you can use the “handle” as a vibrator. It’s designed for G-spot stimulation, but honestly, with the toy being as short and stout as it is, it’s hard for me to get enough leverage for the type of thrusting my G-spot tends to crave. I do like the curve, though, and sometimes after a clitoral-only masturbation session the likes of which I’ll often have with a Satisfyer, it’s nice to have the option of some penetration to round out the sesh, without needing to break out an additional toy if I don’t feel like it.

The controls of this vibe are somewhat confusing, and even after using it multiple times, I still sometimes can’t figure out how to get it to do what I want. It makes me miss the days when controlling Satisfyer toys was as simple as pressing one button. But if you could master the controls (which probably entails not throwing away the instructions like I did when I assumed the toy would soon be released and would have its manual posted online in PDF form), it would improve your experience a lot, as they allow you to independently control the toy’s vibrations and air pulses.

As you may know, I’m not a fan of sex toy companies stealing other sex toy companies’ designs, and Satisfyer has been particularly egregious on this front. Their “Air Pulse” toys borrow technological innovations that were (as far as I’m aware) developed by Womanizer, but usually they at least put their own design flair on ’em – I still think the Satisfyer Penguin is one of the cutest and best-designed toys in this category. Even less acceptably, though, Satisfyer has also blatantly ripped off vibrator designs from Fun Factory. They don’t seem like a terribly scrupulous company.

I’m (reluctantly) recommending the Curvy 2+ mainly because it’s one of the less expensive actually-decent-quality options available (about $50 USD or $60 CAD – I don’t have exact numbers) in this category of toys, and financial accessibility is important. But do keep in mind that one of the reasons Satisfyer’s able to keep their prices down so low is, I would imagine, the lack of need to spend money on research and development, since they’re so routinely yoinking designs and technology from other companies. But if you deeply desire a pressure-wave toy, need it to be affordable, and live in an area where this one is available, you could do a whole lot worse… in every way except for ethics, that is.

Thanks so much to the folks at Zumio, Tenga, and Satisfyer for providing these products for me to review!