I used to have a simple, biodeterministic view of human sexuality. I bought into the ‘born this way’ theory of sexual orientation, because it was (and is) a politically important argument in times of homophobic persecution and discrimination – and because there is indeed some evidence that genes and prenatal hormones play a role in determining whether someone turns out straight or queer. We also know that ‘conversion therapy’ (i.e. attempting to ‘make’ a queer person straight) is not only ineffectual, but is also cruel torture.
All of that being said, the older I get and the more I learn about sexuality, the more I think that our orientations are influenced not just by our biology, but also by our sociocultural environments and life experiences. For instance, if I was a housewife married to a man in the 1950s, I might have noticed an occasional attraction to women outside of my marriage, but probably would have conceptualized those feelings as platonic affection, or even as envy. My social sphere and life path would all be guiding me in a certain direction, and the idea of deviating from that might be too existentially terrifying to even contemplate – so, despite being bisexual by a modern definition (i.e. being attracted to people of more than one gender), I almost certainly would have seen myself as straight back then, without ever questioning that.
I have similar inklings about kinks and fetishes – that they are more culturally dependent than is often acknowledged. Some spanking fetishists have observed, for instance, that paddles are more popular in North America, where corporal punishment in schools has often involved paddling – while UK-based impact kinksters tend to prefer canes, since those are the more historically relevant implements in their culture. Our kinks are inevitably shaped by the images, stories, archetypes, fears, and experiences that we pick up over the course of our lives.
However, despite our vast rainbow of differences, there are some elements of human sexuality that seem to stay constant the world over. For the most part, we all value pleasure, excitement, and connection, although those things can manifest a million unique ways. So, although a Korean live sex show and a German live sex show (for instance) might feature different kinks, a different language, and a different aesthetic, both are entirely, deliciously human – and both have the ability to inspire and influence your future sexual adventures, regardless of how you define your sexuality now.
I am wary of leaning too hard on the ‘nature’ or the ‘nurture’ side of this argument, because both sides have been used to harm queer, trans, kinky, and polyamorous people. Blame sexual variations on genetics, and the eugenicist bigots go hunting for ‘the gay gene’ so they can breed it out of existence. Blame those variations instead on culture and socialization, and those same bigots try to ban gay books, sexy movies, and drag brunches, as if heterosexuality would need to be so violently defended if it was indeed the ‘natural order of things.’
But that’s just the thing: They hate us no matter how we explain ourselves. So I say we might as well live our truth and explain our desires however we see fit – including, sometimes, not at all. There’s something beautiful in accepting the never-ending mystery that is human sexuality, and boldly declaring, “I don’t know why I want these things, but I do. And that is absolutely fine, no matter what anybody else has to say on the subject.”
What about you, dear reader? Do you see your sexuality as inborn, culturally influenced, or a bit of both?
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.