Author: Kate Sloan

5 Frank Sinatra Songs That Are Definitely About Kink

Kate Sloan

I’ve Got You Under My Skin

The addictive, all-consuming qualities of love often described in these Tin Pan Alley-era love songs remind me so much of my kinky relationships. Modern-day dating is so much about “chillness,” or the illusion thereof, that it’s refreshing to hear these old-fashioned confessions of feeling utterly un-chill. I’ve mostly experienced this “I’d sacrifice everything, come what might, for the sake of having you near” level of devotion in kink dynamics, not vanilla relationships.

The moment that really kills me in this song, kink-wise, is this: “Don’t you know, little fool? You never can win. Use your mentality. Wake up to reality.” In the narrative of the song, it’s the voice of Frank’s own anxiety and inadequacy whispering this to him – but it’s also something the most merciless humiliatrix might spit at a submissive. And it makes me feel all tingly. Oh, Frank.

Can I Steal a Little Love?

This is pure submissive Frank. “Hug me, kiss me, til I’m red,” he sings, “til my eyes bug out my head.” Consensual violence ahoy!

Later in the song, he swears, “With a smile, I will lead you down the aisle. I won’t even need a shove.” He’s talking about marriage, sure, but it’s also this super subby promise that he’ll happily do things other men find scary or uninteresting, because he’s so devoted to his darling. Aww.

Fly Me to the Moon

This charming classic reminds me of how immersive and otherworldly kink can be. Unlike vanilla sex, it takes me out of my head and makes me feel like a temporarily different person in a temporarily different place – like I’m in outer space.

“Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars,” he sings. “In other words: baby, kiss me.” Oh, swoon.

Somethin’ Stupid (featuring Nancy Sinatra)

Look, it’s a little weird that Frank Sinatra sang a romantic duet with his daughter. Asked about the song 40 years after it was recorded, Nancy said, “Some people call that the Incest Song, which I think is, well, very sweet!” What a strange non-response, perfectly in line with the overall strangeness of the song and its enduring popularity.

Setting aside any implications of actual incest between Frank and his daughter – of which I haven’t seen any suspicion or proof – this song makes me picture Ol’ Blue Eyes as a Daddy dom. Several of my favorite Daddy dom tropes are based in traditional 1950s masculinity: well-tailored suits, protectiveness over women, shellacked hair, an easy and assumed dominance. That type of gender dynamic was less than consensual in actual 1950s nuclear family units (well, most of them, anyway), but it’s hot to imagine consensually reclaiming it in a contemporary context. And handsome Frank would make a hell of a father figure.

My Way

When I told friends I was working on this post, they all insisted I had to include this song – because what could be a more dommy sentiment than “I’ll do it my way”?!

However, examining the rest of the lyrics, there’s not much of kinky substance in this tune. I think what makes me think of dominance, moreso than the lyrics, is the calm confidence with which Ol’ Blue Eyes performs this big, showy song – and that same confidence when it shows up in karaoke aficionados’ performances, since this is a mainstay of that genre. Listening to this song stiffens my spine with pride and surety, so this shy little submissive can get a taste of what it might feel like to be a whole-hearted dominant.

What are your favorite kink-tinged jazz standards?

5 Summertime Faves

Kate Sloan

Summer is upon us! Accordingly, I’m feeling extra grateful for some of the items that get me through the hottest season every year. Here are a few of them…

Revlon balm stain in “Sweetheart”

This pink tinted balm is the ideal low-maintenance lip for a summer night out. You can apply it messily in seconds and it looks fine, after which it stays on pretty well through food and drink. I can’t be bothered constantly reapplying a lip product, especially in summer when sweat/ice cream/kissing make that even more frequently necessary, so I often like to wear one that’ll hold up through whatever the evening brings.

Vornado air circulator

My partner bought me this last year when my room was constantly overheated and I was too overwhelmed by the wide array of fans available online to actually choose and buy one. He read numerous reviews and ended up sending me this one, and it’s served me very well in the year since. It keeps my room cool and livable!

Frederic Malle’s Carnal Flower perfume

The ideal summertime scent. It smells like sunscreen and flowers. I feel a bit like I’ve been dipped in coconut white chocolate when I wear this. It’s feminine (whatever the hell that even means – gender, amirite?) and sexy and summery and perfect.

Neutrogena UltraSheer Dry-Touch sunscreen

Wearing sunscreen is annoying, particularly if you want to wear makeup on top of it, but this is one of the best ones I’ve found. It leaves me only minimally greasy and the smell is relatively inoffensive (for sunscreen, anyway). Don’t forget to properly sunblock any skin that’ll be exposed when you go out, but especially your face and any visible tattoos!

Kleen Kanteen

I’m so into these big-ass water bottles. Staying hydrated is important, especially in summer, but it’s easy to forget about it. Having a cute water bottle near your bed/next to your workspace/in your bag can be a big motivator.

What are your summertime must-haves?

Review: We-Vibe Moxie

Kate Sloan

Sex toy companies have been trying to make a decent “panty vibe” seemingly since the dawn of time. I don’t know why so many toymakers seem to think that a wearable, Bluetooth-controllable vibrator is the height of fun and sexiness, but they do. So they keep trying, even though many such efforts turn out abysmal.

In my time, I’ve tried the FixSation, the Wake-Up Vibe, the Lelo Noa, and various iterations of the We-Vibe. This category of toy is, at best, mildly amusing, and at worst, uncomfortable and embarrassing. The problem with wearable vibrators is that you generally need to do stuff to vibrators to make them work well for your body – hold them in just the right position, flick through the speeds or patterns, maybe move them around – and wearable vibrators seek to eliminate all that stuff, which (for many people, I’d guess, and for me) isn’t possible without severely compromising on pleasure.

But they keep on tryin’, don’t they?

We-Vibe’s latest offering in this category is the Moxie, a mint-green panty vibe. Here’s what makes it special: the vibe itself goes inside your underwear, as you’d expect, but you anchor it in place with a separate magnetic piece that goes on the outside of your underwear. It’s a fairly strong magnet, so you can basically secure the vibe wherever you want on your vulva – good news for those of us who find that other wearable vibes don’t quite line up with our anatomy, or our preferred vibration placement.

As is par for the course with We-Vibe, the motor in the Moxie is top-notch. It’s rumbly, strong, and offers just enough speeds and patterns. This motor is definitely powerful enough that I could get off with it, though, for reasons outlined below, I haven’t.

The major difference between the Moxie and the We-Vibe Sync, shape-wise, is that the Moxie is only external and has no insertable portion. For this reason, the main difference in how they feel is that the Sync puts pressure on your clit, while the Moxie does not. You can adjust the hinges on the Sync to make the toy fit more tightly or more loosely, depending on the amount of pressure you prefer; with the Moxie, however, any clitoral pressure will have to be provided from the outside, whether by you squeezing your thighs together, physically pressing your hand against the toy, grinding against a partner, or however you want to do that.

A lot of people have been asking me to weigh in on whether the Moxie is worth the $129 price tag, and I think the crux of that question is whether or not you need pressure on your clit. If you don’t, and light vibration on your bits is all you need – and/or if you don’t like penetration – the Moxie will probably work just fine. But if you want penetration and/or you need pressure on your clit, you should get the Sync instead. It works almost identically but will suit you better.

Both toys can be controlled either with an included remote, with the one button on the toy itself, or with We-Vibe’s We-Connect app. My partner and I prefer the app, because it gives you the most granular and intuitive control over the vibrations. But, as ever, the technology’s not quite as good as I wish it was. The vibrator disconnects from the app a lot, and there’s often a delay between adjusting modes on-screen and feeling them change on your bits. After a night out using the Moxie surreptitiously at a cocktail bar, my fastidious Sir announced, “This app isn’t precise enough for my dominance.” He hath spoken.

There is an app called Oui-Vibe which is not strictly We-Vibe-sanctioned, through which you can also control their toys if you want to. The gas-pedal-esque motion is more intuitive than adjusting speeds with your finger on a screen, though the interface is often incomprehensible and there’s still connection issues to contend with.

While I don’t think I would ever have an orgasm with the We-Vibe Moxie unless I was physically pressing it against myself, I do think it’s probably the best “panty vibe” on the market. The motor is eons better than this type of toy usually has, the controls are easy to figure out, and the magnetic clip keeps the toy in place. If you really, really want a vibe you can wear in your underwear and perhaps use in public, the Moxie and Sync are the ones I would recommend. As for me, I’ll be in my bed, kicking back with my Magic Wand.

 

Thanks to We-Vibe for sending me this product to review!

Monthly Faves: Cuisine & Cosmetics

Kate Sloan

It was a good month in my sex life but I don’t have too much new stuff to report vis-à-vis sex toys, fantasies, or femme stuff, so… in lieu of a typical Monthly Faves, here’s a straight-up list of things I liked this month, in any category.

• I just moved from a big apartment in the west end of Toronto to a smaller apartment downtown, with a much more respectful roommate, and I’m already feeling so much better about my living situation. My room has a huge window, and I live with two excellent cats and a sweet femme – ideal.

• The Southside remains my favorite summertime cocktail, and I had a bunch of good ones this month. It’s truly the most refreshing boozy drink imaginable.

• Staying at the NoMad Hotel with my partner was a dream. Our room had a deep bathtub, beautiful art on the walls, a giant white bed, and a big-screen TV which we used to watch The L Word while high and giggly (best). Their in-house restaurant is one of the fanciest places I’ve ever been, and their Library Bar makes me feel like a Gryffindor on an illicit night off.

• The other culinary highlight of my month was doing the tasting menu at Eleven Madison Park with my beloved. My meal included caviar, asparagus salad, lobster, glazed duck, two fancy chocolate desserts, and some perfect cocktails. I mean. How much better can you get?!

• My favorite book of the month was Night Film by Marisha Pessl, a fast-paced murder-mystery featuring elements of investigative journalism, New York City chaos, and the occult. I was gripped from start to finish.

• It was fun taking a friend on their first makeup shopping trip after they came out as non-binary this month. We settled on a Marc Jacobs eyeliner (this shit STAYS PUT), MAC Brave lipstick, and a MAC 212 brush for smudging the aforementioned eyeliner as needed (although, I will say, it’s not very smudgy). My pal went on to buy Glossier’s Cloud Paint blush and Boy Brow pomade; together, I think these 5 products make a great starter kit for new makeup enthusiasts.

• Watching John Oliver videos has been a favorite diversion of mine lately. He’s funny and cute and smart and I like him.

• I dropped by Folsom East and it was great: we perused leather bondage goods, watched a fireplay scene, saw some effervescent drag performers, and basked in all the kinky queerness. Ideal.

What were your fave things this month?

5 Great Reasons to Hire an Escort

Kate Sloan

I’ve learned a ton from my friends who are Toronto escorts about the power and magic of sex work. Contrary to shitty popular opinions about it being a seedy profession for the desperate and destitute, it’s often empowering and uplifting for both service providers and their clientele. (This, by the way, is part of why it’s so important we fight back against SESTA/FOSTA in any way we can.)

Aside from a session of basic (yet likely mind-blowing) sexual satisfaction, there are lots of reasons it might behoove you to hire an escort. Here are a few of them…

You want group sex, without the drama. When couples write to me inquiring about how to find a “unicorn” (a third person, usually a bisexual woman, to have a threesome with), I usually recommend they save up and hire a sex worker. It’s better to pay someone to play exactly the role you want them to, than to try to slot someone into a pre-decided role they haven’t totally signed up for. Plus, particularly in first-time forays into non-monogamy, group sex can incite lots of feelings, like jealousy and insecurity; hiring a professional can help you keep things simple.

You want to try a new kink, without judgment. It can be scary to raise nascent sexual interests with a romantic partner, or even a FWB; you might worry they’ll think differently of you once they find out what you’re into. Even if your newfound curiosity focuses on something relatively culturally accepted, like spanking or facesitting, you might still feel shy bringing it up. That’s totally okay, and it’s one area where sex workers can be a huge help: making fantasies come true is literally their job, and it’s practically guaranteed they’ve heard weirder requests than the one you’ve got up your sleeve. (You should, however, let SWs know beforehand about the fantasy you’re hoping to have fulfilled, so they know what they’re getting into and have a chance to decline if they want to.)

You want to lose your virginity, shame-free. I remember when I was a meek 18-year-old who’d never gotten intimate with a penis before; it seemed to me like the scariest thing in the world, and yet I wanted to give it a shot. I fantasized often about hiring a cis male sex worker to guide me through my first “straight” experience. An escort, I figured, would be professional and non-judgmental, and would happily teach me some dick tricks if that’s what I wanted. Similarly, if you’ve never had sex and it’s starting to get you down, I would really recommend hiring a sex worker. They won’t be able to teach you everything in just one session, but the experience could give you a boost of confidence you can take forward into your future sex life.

You’re too tired or busy for the dating game. Some people talk about sexual satisfaction as if it were a basic human right. I’m not sure I agree, but the fact remains that many of us crave sex even when our lives and minds are too chaotic for us to pursue it in societally-sanctioned ways, like dating apps. (When I’m depressed, I’d honestly rather watch paint dry than try to make conversation with some rando from Tinder.) A sex work transaction can be the simplest solution to this problem.

You need a date to an event. Lots of escorts offer special rates to accompany you to concerts, dinners, the theatre, and so on. This could be a lovely option if you’re feeling lonely but still want a fun night out on the town – because, let’s not forget, the services sex workers provide are often just as much emotional as they are sexual. After the event wraps up, you can extend the date to end in sexytimes, if you’ve negotiated that, or not. Bringing a happy, paid professional is probably better than dragging along an unenthused partner who’d rather be at home, anyway!

What are some reasons you’ve hired (or considered hiring) an escort?

 

This post was sponsored by the lovely folks at OhMy. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.