Author: Kate Sloan

Review: Funzze Pink “O” Clitoral Sucker

Kate Sloan

My preferences for clit-sucker toys are so specific, I can usually tell if I’ll like one just by looking at it. And as soon as I saw the Funzze Pink “O” Clitoral Sucker, I figured it would get along well with my clit – and I was correct about that.

(Don’t you wish it worked that way with human clit-suckers, too? Like gaydar but for pussy-eating skills… I’m sure my adventures on Tinder in my twenties would have been a lot more satisfying if I had cunnilingual clairvoyance!)

What is the Funzze Pink “O” Clitoral Sucker?

This cute little toy uses air-pulse technology, also known as pressure-wave technology, to stimulate the clit with rhythmic waves of air. While companies often refer to these toys as clit-suckers, they don’t actually apply suction in the way that something like a clit pump does – but some people describe them as feeling like oral sex nonetheless.

This Funzze air-pulse toy is made of silicone and ABS plastic, retails for $33.99, and runs for about an hour on an hour-long charge.

Things I like about the Funzze Pink “O” Clitoral Sucker:

  • It can get me off, no problem! To me, this toy’s air waves feel more like rumbly vibration that surrounds the tip of my clit. They’re low-pitched enough that I can feel them both on the surface of my skin and more deeply in the internally-buried parts of my clit. This leads to orgasms that are intense, deep, and fully felt – unlike orgasms from the buzzy vibration or weak pressure waves found on many other toys at this price point. I actually said “Whoa” out loud after coming with this toy for the first time, because I was that surprised 😂
  • The reason I requested this toy to review is that it has a larger mouth than most other toys in its category, a quality my clit tends to prefer. The hole has a diameter of 1.4 cm, or just over half an inch. That’s nearly as big as the mouth of my beloved Lelo Sila – although the Funzze toy’s mouth is only about 1.1 cm (0.43″) deep, versus the Sila’s mouth depth of 1.5 cm (0.59″), so I wouldn’t recommend this Funzze toy for anyone who has a large clit or who wants their whole clitoral shaft stimulated. The Sila is still better for those cases, albeit wayyyy more expensive.
  • This toy’s mouth has softly rounded silicone edges, which makes it comfortable to use and allows it to maintain a better seal around my clit, even if I writhe around a little during a session. (Always use lube – ideally a water-based formula – with pressure-wave toys, by the way! They feel a lot better and are less prone to causing irritation that way.)
  • It won’t be to everyone’s tastes, but I like this toy’s lovecore-y aesthetic! The heart-shaped button is cute, and I appreciate that it’s made of grippy silicone, while the rest of the toy’s body is made of glossy ABS plastic, so the button is easy to locate by feel and to keep a good grip on, even with lubey fingers.
  • At just 3.6″ tall by 2″ wide, this toy is petite and therefore arguably travel-friendly; it doesn’t have a travel-lock function, but it does come with a drawstring storage bag for travel.
  • It only costs $34! Honestly pretty rare for a toy at that price point to make me come 😆

Things I don’t like about the Funzze Pink “O” Clitoral Sucker:

  • This toy has 8 settings, with just one button to cycle through all of them – and bafflingly, the settings are 2 steady speeds followed by 6 annoyingly inconsistent patterns. The patterns could be good if you love tease & denial, but personally, I mostly reach for sex toys when I want satisfaction, not frustration! Those of us who prefer steady speeds (which is most users) generally appreciate having more than just 2 to choose from – especially since this toy starts off fairly intense, so I have to get myself turned on using my hand (or another toy) before I’ll be able to enjoy this one.
  • Like most pressure-wave toys, this one’s mouth is sized such that it’ll only focus on the tip of your clit, if your clit is medium-to-large. I prefer indirect clitoral stimulation so I usually prefer to use these toys through my clitoral hood, which, to be fair, is entirely doable with this toy.
  • This toy is louder than I was expecting, for how petite it is. Even when its mouth is full of clit, it makes a somewhat grating buzzing noise, albeit one that likely couldn’t be heard through a closed door.
  • I think this toy is slightly too bulky, depth-wise, to fit well between bodies in the missionary position (whether for PIV or strap-on sex). You could manage it with an adapted position that allows for slightly more space between your pelvises.
  • Confusingly, the toy’s product page says it’s fully waterproof, while its manual and product specs say it’s only splashproof. (I suspect this may be the result of poor A.I. translation, as is common these days, but who knows.) In any case, I wish this toy was fully waterproof as its webpage claims, because I like using clit stimulators in the bath sometimes.

Final thoughts

I am always on the lookout for pressure-wave toys at an affordable price point, because many people want to try them, but (reasonably!) don’t want to drop $150+ on a really nice one when they don’t even know if they’ll enjoy the sensation. To that end, I’m glad that the Funzze Pink “O” Clitoral Sucker only costs $34, because that means that more people get to access the pleasures of this type of toy!

That being said, only having two steady speeds is a pretty big flaw, since most users prefer them (according to various informal Twitter polls that I and my colleagues have run over the years, anyway). This toy’s noise level also makes it tough to recommend for anyone who needs utmost discretion or just prefers quieter toys.

But I can’t deny that this toy brings me to some sharply intense orgasms. Its laser-focused clitoral directness isn’t always what I’m in the mood for – but it’s a sweet, cute, ultra-portable little mouth that can make me come and only costs $34, and I think that’s pretty neat.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: SeekHeart Buniva rabbit vibrator

Kate Sloan

Sex toy reviewers are basically genital daredevils. We take risks with our junk so our readers don’t have to. 🫡

Or at least, that’s what I told myself when I first took the SeekHeart Buniva rabbit vibe out of its box – because it looked a little scary, to be honest with you! The spindly, ribbed sections on its shaft almost looked like teeth in the maw of some great, gaping monster.

And yet, being the vaginal stuntwoman that I am, I was deeply curious – because I’d never seen a rabbit vibe that looked like this before, and trust me, I’ve tried a lot of them! So I lubed up the Buniva and put it through its paces. Here’s what I learned…

What is the SeekHeart Buniva?

A rabbit vibrator is a specific type of dual-stimulation vibrator – that is, a vibe that offers both external and internal stimulation at the same time. This one has two independently-operated motors, one for each “arm” of the toy: an internal one for vaginal pleasure, and a classic pair of little bunny ears for clitoral pleasure.

What sets the Buniva apart from other rabbits is the hollow, ribbed section at its center. There is a spindly texture on the parts of the toy that (at least theoretically) rub against both the upper vaginal wall near the entrance and the external part of the urethra/possibly the clitoral shaft, depending on how your anatomy happens to line up with the toy. (More on this later.)

The Buniva is made of silicone and ABS plastic, lasts about 55 minutes on a 90-minute charge, and is IPX6 water-resistant, meaning you can wash it in the sink or use it in the shower, but should not submerge it in water.

Things I like about the SeekHeart Buniva:

  • When I saw its instruction manual describe this toy’s vaginal arm as having “deep, rumbly vibrations,” I scoffed and said out loud, “Yeah, right; I’ll believe it when I see it,” because of how many sex toy companies lie about this nowadays – but actually, the Buniva follows through on that claim! The vibrations of this toy’s internal arm are deliciously low-pitched and pretty strong. I enjoyed using this part of the toy on my clit, getting myself turned on before moving on to penetration – and once it was inside me, the deep vibrations felt wonderful on my vaginal walls and especially my A-spot, which the toy’s slightly upturned, 5.5-inch-long shaft can hit easily.
  • This toy lends itself well to being thrusted during use, which is unusual for a rabbit vibe – typically they lose clit contact when you try to thrust them, but this one is designed such that the clitoral arm moves/bends with you as you push the toy in and out. As with any dual-stim toy, it won’t work for everyone, because different people have different amounts of distance between their clit and vaginal opening – but the flexibility of the Buniva’s clitoral arm makes it fairly adaptable in this regard.
  • Okay, let’s talk about that spiky-looking texture! It might appear to be painful, but when you look at it up close, it’s more like the texture on those “ribbed for her pleasure” condoms – which is to say, it’ll be painful for some people, but plenty of other people will enjoy it. Just make sure to lube up this area of the toy really well for optimal results. At its best, the ribbing on the vaginal arm massaged my G-spot on each thrust. I wasn’t able to take the toy deep enough for the clitoral arm’s ribbing to make contact with my body, but someone with a vaginal depth of at least 5.5″ would be able to feel it against either their clit or the external part of their urethra. Urethral stimulation certainly isn’t for everyone, but some people like it, especially since the urethra is part of the super-sensitive CUV (clitourethrovaginal) complex. I’ve rarely seen a vibe that targets this zone so directly.
  • I appreciate that this toy charges via USB-C, because I always have one of those around to charge my laptop + Kindle anyway. I wish more sex toy companies would use existing charging-port shapes like this, rather than making proprietary ones.
  • At the time I’m writing this, SeekHeart currently sells this toy for a wildly low $14.83 on Amazon, or $35.49 on their own website. I don’t know how they can afford to price it that low, but a vibe of this quality could easily be sold for $40-60, so this is an impressive price.
  • This is a decently quiet toy, especially on the lower settings.

Things I don’t like about the Seekheart Buniva:

  • This toy’s biggest flaw is, unfortunately, all too common: the vibrations of its clitoral stimulator are annoyingly buzzy/high-pitched and not particularly strong. Given that the majority of people with vulvas need clit stimulation to reach orgasm, it always perplexes me when companies seem to treat their dual- or triple-stim toys’ clitoral arm as an afterthought, when for many users it’ll be the most important component of the toy. If the Buniva’s clitoral arm was as rumbly and powerful as its internal arm, I’d be able to give this vibrator a more enthusiastic endorsement, but alas, it is not.
  • Although (as mentioned) I sometimes enjoy the toy’s ribbed texture against my G-spot, there are other times when it feels mildly scrapey/irritating. It’s crucial to lube up that part of the toy for maximal comfort – and you’ll also want to clean it super-duper-extra well between uses and pee after using it, to reduce the odds of a UTI.
  • Each of the toy’s 2 motors offers only 3 steady speeds followed by 7 vibration patterns. Most users prefer steady speeds, myself included, so I always wish there would be at least 5 of them, to allow for more variety and a smoother gradation between settings.
  • It’s rare that I feel strongly about a toy’s aesthetics, but I don’t like the color of this one. It’s a muted shade of brownish-red that reminds me of menstrual blood. (Although, hey, maybe that makes it ideal for menstrual masturbation!)

Final thoughts

I was surprised that this toy was able to bring me to orgasm, given that its clitoral vibrations are fairly buzzy and weak, and that I – like most people with my anatomy – only get off when there’s good clit stim going on.

But the Buniva does something interesting: it stimulates the internal parts of the clit as well, with its ripply texture, deep A-spot-focused vibrations, and thrustability. My orgasms with this toy would certainly feel better if its clitoral arm was rumblier and stronger, so that I could actually feel the clit stim at the moment of climax, instead of being slightly desensitized from the buzzy vibrations – but it’s a testament to this toy’s smart design that I can come with it nonetheless, due to how it massages my internal clit when I thrust with it.

If you prefer to keep your rabbit vibes stationary, this one probably isn’t for you, because it shines best when thrusted. But if you want a maximalist, ultra-textured rabbit that’ll surround your clit in vibrations from all sides while you thrust with it, the surprisingly affordable Buniva‘s got the goods. It’s not as scary as it looks, I promise.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How (& Why) to Try Financial Domination in Your Relationship

Kate Sloan

Financial domination (a.k.a. findom) is a widely misunderstood kink, often thought to be the sole domain of sex workers – and while SWs are obviously total pros at it (literally!), findom can also be done within personal relationships. I would know, because I’ve done it in mine!

So, whether you decide to bring up this kink with a current partner, or seek out a new one on a findom dating site, here are my top tips for trying findom…

 

Figure out your “why”

It’s understandable if findom holds no appeal for you, especially in these economically precarious times. However, if there is some part of you that feels intrigued by this kink, it’s good to ponder why, and then discuss your answer(s) with your partner(s).

To jump-start your thinking, here are some common reasons financial domination turns people on:

  • Power: At its simplest, findom is about power exchange, same as any other type of dominance-&-submission play. Money is power in our society, and so, when you give your money away, you are giving away some of your power. Some people find that very hot – and likewise, some people find it equally hot to be given that power, either freely or through (consensual, play-acted) “force.”
  • Objectification: Being objectified (or objectifying someone else) is a popular kink which can take many forms, and findom is one of them. In her book Mating in Captivity, for instance, couples’ therapist Esther Perel writes about a husband who struggled to see his wife in a sexual light after their kids were born, because of his (very common) Madonna/whore complex. Perel recommended they “introduce a little healthy objectification” into their sex life, so the wife told her husband she’d give him an “involved, prolonged, great blowjob”… for a hundred bucks. And it worked! It helped him to see her as a sexual being again, instead of as “just” the mother of his children.
  • Cuckolding: Some people incorporate findom into their cuck kink, by (for example) paying for their partner to go on a date with someone else, or buying them fancy lingerie for said date. Money can massively raise the stakes on such interactions.
  • Alleviating guilt/shame about money: My partner makes significantly more money than me, and I sometimes feel bad when she buys me nice things or takes me nice places, because I worry that she feels obligated, or that I shouldn’t be such a spoiled princess. But through findom, we can recast these kindnesses as part of our kink dynamic, which makes it easier for me to accept them. When I attire myself and carry myself like one of those hot leather-clad dommes from fetish porn and online femdom sites, I can feel like I deserve to be a spoiled princess!

 

Set clear lines around certain activities

This might be controversial, but I don’t think you should financially incentivize any sexual activity that you want to continue doing for free at some point in the future. When humans get paid to do something, they tend to lose the intrinsic motivation to do that thing without being paid; this is called the overjustification effect.

For this reason, I’d suggest either only paying (or being paid) for activities you wouldn’t otherwise do much or at all, or setting up a very specific “container” in which you’ll be paid, such as a roleplay where you’re both in-character as someone other than yourself. Hopefully these measures will keep the overjustification effect at bay.

 

Decide on a budget everyone can handle

When it comes to findom, I would never advise someone to play outside their means. You should not be going into debt or stressing yourself out just to participate in this kink!

This is why it’s a good idea to negotiate a specific budget before any findom scene, and to agree on a safeword so either party can tap out if they want to.

And by the way, there’s no rule that says you have to use real money. If Monopoly money still makes your brain chemicals go brrr, then by all means, use it!

 

3 scene ideas for findom beginners:

  • Have your partner pay you a certain agreed-upon amount for an activity you might not otherwise do very often or at all, like a striptease, bootblacking, or foot massage. You could do this as a client/provider roleplay if you like.
  • Agree on a budget and then go shopping for something frivolous/fun/sexy – like lingerie, sex toys, or porno mags – on one partner’s dime. When not interacting with sales staff, you can roleplay as a spoiled brat and doting caregiver, or whatever else feels hot to you.
  • If your relationship structure allows for it, and if you’re into the cuckoldy angle, have one partner pay for the other’s drinks/dinner/etc. on a date with someone else. Alternatively, just pay for them to enjoy some self-care – e.g. a mani-pedi, facial, or deep tissue massage. Maybe they can text you a selfie from the spa/salon/etc., playfully taunting you for being a hapless paypig 😘

 

Have you ever tried findom? How did it feel for you?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

3 of My Hottest Dildo-Based Fantasies 🍆✨

Kate Sloan

If you want to know what the comfiest running shoes are, ask an athlete. If you want to know the best tea for a sore throat, ask a singer. And if you want to know the best ways to use a dildo, ask a sex toy reviewer. I’ve almost hit my Malcom Gladwell ten thousand hours on this shit!

I kid, I kid… There are infinite ways to use a dildo, none of which are any “better” or “worse” than any other, as long as you’re going about it consensually and safely (and hopefully with lots of lube!). But one thing I’ve learned in my 13+ years of reviewing sex toys professionally, which I’ll share with you incase it helps you, is this: Using a dildo is even more enjoyable when you pair it with a suitable fantasy.

In fact, that’s usually where I start, when I’m testing a dildo for a review. I have to get myself turned on and wet enough to use the toy, and I’ve found that the best way to do that is to devise a hot fantasy that’s related to that particular toy. You can always fantasize about whatever you like, of course, but I find a thematically relevant fantasy particularly effective!

So, courtesy of the lovely sponsor of this post, Epic Dildos, I’d like to tell you about a few of my favorite dildo-centric fantasies – and some dildos that would pair well with them!

The Vixen Creations Bandit (all individual product photos courtesy of Epic Dildos)

The group sex fantasy

Lemme level with ya… Once upon a time, I was known in my friend group as the gal who loved to orchestrate threesomes – which I enjoyed greatly! – but those days are behind me now. I’ve come to realize that one-on-one encounters are way more my speed.

That being said, I still have group sex fantasies on occasion – as do many other people; it’s consistently been found to be one of the most common fantasies, across gender lines. Mine are usually of a cuckold-y variety. To divulge one frequent example, I enjoy the thought of my partner going down on me while a “special guest star” fucks me, and I sometimes fantasize about this while receiving head from my partner (who explicitly encourages me to do so).

Naturally, this fantasy is particularly potent when I’m actually being penetrated – and realistic dildos are the best tool for the job. My very favorites in that category are all made by Vixen Creations and feature dual-density silicone, i.e. they have a firm silicone core encased in a squishier outer layer, for an ultra-realistic feel. The VixSkin Bandit is a personal favorite of mine and my partner’s; it’s plenty long enough to hit my A-spot, but not so ridiculously thick that I need extensive warm-up before using it. This dildo fucking rules.

The Night Prowler dildo

The omegaverse fantasy

If you’re not familiar with the term ‘omegaverse,’ let me get you up to speed: it’s a trope mostly found in fanfiction, wherein there are “alpha” humans and “omega” humans. Omegas can “go into heat” like animals, thereby attracting alphas. Like canine creatures, alphas have the ability to “knot” during sex, meaning that part of their shaft swells in such a way that their dick is essentially stuck inside their partner, until they ejaculate and let the knotting subside.

I’ve been called upon to review a number of canine-esque dildos over the course of my career, and I always seem to gravitate toward omegaverse fantasies when using them. There’s something so hot about the idea of someone being (consensually) trapped inside me by their own arousal, until they finally get off. And there are about a zillion knotted fantasy dildos on the market to go along with these thoughts.

The Tantus Vamp

The sentient dildo fantasy

This has been a fave of mine over the past year or so, for whatever reason… I’m intrigued by the idea of a dildo gaining sentience, at least enough to be able to feel pleasure. I like to imagine it being vaguely confused but also super aroused as I slowly push it into me and begin thrusting it in and out. Sometimes I even combine this one with my premature ejaculation kink and imagine that the dildo reaches orgasm too soon and has to push through its subsequent sensitivity as I continue to use it, oblivious to its suffering. 😈

One great thing about this fantasy is that it works with any and every dildo – so I’ll take the opportunity to shout out the Tantus Vamp, one of the first realistic dildos I adored when I started reviewing sex toys.

What are your favorite fantasies to pair with dildos? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

 

This post was sponsored by Epic Dildos, a site with excellent navigational tools for finding your dream dildo: you can shop by size, style, color, material, and more! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

The 6 Best Songs I’ve Written About Sex This Year

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb

Been a minute since I mentioned my SongAWeek challenge here, dear readers, but it’s still going strong… Just yesterday I uploaded my 34th song of the year, in fact!

They’re not all about sex – some of them are about tattoos, fascism, dragonflies, Zionism, and gamer boys – but, well, you know me: sexuality is my favorite subject to write about, regardless of the medium. Today I’m gonna depart from my usual sexual prose, and instead share some sexual lyrics. Here are the six best sex-related songs I’ve written so far in 2025. (All are purchasable and streamable on Bandcamp, which is a great way to support my work so I can continue writing!)

Song title: The Natural Way
Song topic: Menstrual sex
How it came to be: The first voice memo in my songwriting process for this one is titled “countryish period sex concept.mp3” and begins with me muttering, “I don’t know why it’s a country song, but…” before launching into it. I had wanted to write a song about period sex for a long time, partly because I love the great Rachel Lark song on the same subject, but partly just ’cause I have a lot of strong opinions about period sex. I drafted the lyrics in my songwriting notebook and for some reason it just always sounded like a twangy country song in my head, complete with bad fake Southern accent. I considered a bunch of alternate titles, like “Red Wings,” “Hemophobia,” and “Just a Little Blood,” before settling on “The Natural Way.”

Lyrics:

It’s Friday night, it’s date night, and I’m just confirming plans
‘Cause I know what I wanna do tonight, and it involves you, man!
But perhaps we should postpone to a different night instead
‘Cause I just checked my panties and I see a bit of red…

I know we’ve never talked about it; I don’t know your stance
But I’m hoping you will part the crimson seas and take a chance
The best-laid plans for getting laid can quickly be undone
‘Cause a little hemophobia can ruin all the fun, so…

CHORUS:
Use your teeth to take my tampon out, and
Help relieve my cramps; I love to
Kill my pain the natural way
Red wings won’t let you fall
So leave a handprint on the wall
And then I’ll know for sure that you are gonna stay

How can you be horrified? It’s only menstruation
It happens every month to nearly half the population!
I’m not asking you to flay me, or to wrestle me in mud
I’m just askin’ for some passion, ’cause it’s just a bit of blood!

(repeat chorus)

I’ll respect your boundaries,  but I’ve got some of my own:
If you’d rather keep blood off your hands, I’d rather be alone
‘Cause at any time of day, and at any time of month
I deserve somebody who will faceplant in my cunt!

(repeat chorus)

Eat it raw and bloody like your steak
Get caught red-handed every ding-dong day!

Song title: Make It Hurt
Song topic: Masochism
How it came to be: I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep one night, when suddenly a line of a song popped into my head fully-formed: “Ooh baby, make it hurt; it doesn’t mean nothin’ unless it’s the worst.” I lumbered out of bed to dutifully record a voice memo so I wouldn’t forget this fragment overnight. The next morning I wrote the rest of the song, choosing a Dorian-mode chord progression, since that was the weekly theme in my online songwriters’ group that week. Pretty intuitive and easy songwriting process overall for this one, maybe because masochism is a subject I’d already dissected at length in many mediums before!

Lyrics:

CHORUS:
Ooh baby, make it hurt
It doesn’t mean nothin’ unless it’s the worst
It’s true, baby – you can flirt
But follow through – I want you to make it hurt

I’ve got particular tastes, unusual wishes
Like: sometimes a sprinkling of pain can be so delicious
Can you handle it? Will you question it? Say I’m out of my mind?
Or will you try it out? Make me cry it out? That’s a way to be kind, so…

(repeat chorus)

Your brain has been trained to be sweet and gentle
Well, that’s easily solved if the hurdles are mental
We could play pretend, like we’re childhood friends – you’re a villain with a plan
You’d be faking it til you’re making it; I believe that you can! So…

(repeat chorus)

Why do I always hurt myself,
Even when it’s through someone else?
Why do I push til I bruise and bleed?
Why is this what I need?

(repeat chorus)

Song title: Don’t Fuck People Who…
Song topic: The importance of having sexual standards
How it came to be: I had been on some dates with people who hadn’t asked me questions, and it bummed me out sufficiently that I had to process it through song. A couple days after writing it, I decided to add the little Vaudeville-y intro section at the beginning, to contextualize the rest of the song. Naturally, I had to wear my “Slut for Kindness” T-shirt in the video!

Lyrics:

I went through a slutty phase; I don’t regret my slutty days
They were mostly good, but sometimes bad
So, for all the other daters looking for a lover later,
Here is some advice I wish I’d had…

Don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh – that’s a reasonable rule!
Yeah, don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh, ’cause a sense of humor is cool
If they can’t even make you chuckle, don’t you think the way they fuck’ll also be a horrifying bore?
So, don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh, ’cause life’s too fucking short!

Don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions, ’cause curiosity is great
Yeah, don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions – why are they even on a date?!
If they won’t show a scrap of interest, why would sex be any different? Trust me, ’cause I’ve seen it all before:
Please, don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions, ’cause life’s too fucking short!

I know these rules may seem a bit restrictive
And sometimes, you’re just looking to get laid
I don’t mean to scare you – I just want to spare you
From all of the mistakes that I have made, so…

Don’t fuck people who make you feel bad – there’s no reason you should
Yeah, don’t fuck people who make you feel bad, ’cause you deserve to feel good!
First dates are for best behavior; it will not get better later – might as well just walk right out the door
Please, don’t fuck people who make you feel bad, ’cause life’s too fucking short for bad fucking!
Life’s too fucking short!

Song title: Hymen Hymn
Song topic: Virginity myths and slut-shaming
How it came to be: I was typing the word “hymen” at some point and accidentally typed “hymn” instead, and a song idea was born. Many months later, I fleshed it out into this, a satirical choral piece about shitty patriarchal virginity myths. It’s rare that I sing in a more classical style like this when performing my own songs, but I was an alto section leader in a children’s choir for several years as a youth and it’s fun to return to that choral vibe sometimes!

Lyrics:

All hail the hymen, the harbinger of sin
It stands guard at the opening, and will not let you in
Imbued with meaning and divinity,
It’s said to be a marker of virginity

All hail the hymen, doer of good deeds
Marking the event with an obligatory bleed
Some say it was nothing; some say it was the worst
Some say you reap just what you sow, and that is why it hurts

CHORUS:
Don’t push, don’t rush
Slow down your touch
I promise, if you put the time in,
You don’t have to hurt your hymen

All hail the hymen, scapegoat of the damned
Having or not having one determines who I am:
A virgin or a slut, insatiable or frigid
It’s not the most precise approach to diagnostics, is it?

All hail the hymen, so misunderstood
It is just a body part; it isn’t bad or good
And how can it be moral, how can it be right
To check a woman’s cherry on her wedding night?

(repeat chorus)

Song title: UTI
Song topic: Urinary tract infections
How it came to be: I started improvising this song over some basic chords at a time when I did indeed have a UTI. It was often an isolating and humbling experience in my twenties, when usually it would happen to me after a hookup with some random guy and I would feel left alone with the pain after we parted ways. It was interesting to try to capture that feeling in a song.

Lyrics:

I’ve got a UTI again; it makes me wanna cry again
I’m chugging cranberry, but still, I am very inflamed
I’ve got a UTI again, after sex with some guy again
He left quite some time ago; I don’t remember his name

The sad part: it’s my own fault – could’ve pissed the bacteria to hell
But as always, that’s the hard part: taking good care of myself

So I’ve got a UTI again – that’s $49.95 again
For the meds that I take for the ache from my gut to my knees
I’ve got a UTI again – I could go DIY again
I demand my D-Mannose! (I hope you don’t know what that means)

Should’ve stayed home in my room and played with my toys
‘Cause my body never trusts me when I’m with untrustworthy boys

I’ve got a UTI again, and it makes me bone-dry again
Pleasure is only a memory, a ghost I once knew
And I’m tired of the agony; I’m at odds with my anatomy
I’ve got a UTI again; I think I’m gonna cry again

Song title: Touch-Me-Not
Song topic: Asexuality
How it came to be: Kind of a silly origin story on this one… Late one night I was hanging out with some musical improv pals, and we started improvising songs over random instrumental tracks from YouTube. I got the suggestions of “sunglasses” and “bees,” and was given a beautiful, melancholy backing track to improvise over. My song was about using sunglasses as protection from a bee attack, and the chorus had goofy lyrics (“It’s only my shades/ that keep me safe from the bees/ from the bees…”) but had a super pretty melody, which I liked enough to record briefly on my phone that night before I went to sleep. That melody fragment ended up becoming the chorus of this song (“I like you so much, but/ don’t want you to touch me at all/ not at all”). I had been working on a song about the realization that I might be even further along the asexual spectrum than I’d realized, and I made practically no headway on it until I landed on this chorus, at which point the rest just flowed out of me. It’s a really personal and important song to me. 💜

Lyrics:

It’s been a lovely night, but I think I’ve had my fill
I don’t know how to say this, so I guess I just will:
It hasn’t been long enough since we first met
And the things I think you want, I don’t want yet

CHORUS:
I like you so much, but don’t want you to touch me at all
Not at all
I like you so much, but don’t want you to touch me at all
Not at all

There’s nothing wrong with going fast, but I like to go slow
Why do we like the things we like? Nobody really knows, but
You gotta work with what you got – make no apology
And there are things you like a lot, that I could take or leave

(repeat chorus)

I’m not a prude, I’m not a tease
It isn’t rude to say what I need
So you’ll be out late, loving someone
And I’ll be home alone, having so much fun!

(repeat chorus)

I don’t wanna do something that someday I might regret
I like you so much but don’t want you to touch me yet
I don’t wanna do something that someday I might regret
I like you so much but don’t want you to touch me