Author: Kate Sloan

Dildoface: Fuze Wilde

Kate Sloan

Dildoface – Fuze Wilde from Girly Juice on Vimeo.

I love how purple eye makeup looks on me. It brings out the greenish tones in my hazel eyes, and it’s colorful and fun without seeming over-the-top.

So, obviously, when I launched this Dildoface beauty tutorial feature, the Fuze Wilde was one of the first toys I wanted to immortalize in makeup form.

This purply-blue smoky eye was fun to create, and allowed me to practice my blending skills (so much blending!!). I’m looking forward to doing this eye again for some future fancy night out!

As always, you can use whatever products you already have that are close enough to what I’m using, but here is the list of products I used in this video: Too Faced Shadow Insurance eyelid primer • Makeup Geek eyeshadow in “Wisteria” • custom palette from Morphe Cosmetics • Wet ‘n’ Wild Petal Pusher palette • ELF mineral-infused face primer • Covergirl 3-in-1 foundation • MAC Pro Longwear concealer • Rimmel Stay Matte powder • NYX blush in “Taupe” • MAC Sheertone blush in “Blushbaby” • Kat Von D Autograph pencil liner in “Homie” • Essence eyeliner pencil in black • Anastasia Dipbrow in “Dark Brown” • Covergirl Clump Crusher mascara • MAC lipstick in “Faux”

Thank you to Fuze for the beautiful Wilde! It also comes in black if that’s more up your alley.

GJ Reads Grey, Chapter 7

Kate Sloan

Want to go back? Read the previous instalment or the first chapter.

Content warning: This instalment contains mentions of blood, rape, and emotional abuse. If those are triggering topics for you, I encourage you to take care of yourself and skip this post.

We already know, from heavy-handed literary references in other chapters, that Ana has a thing for Victorian-era romantic heroes. So it makes sense she’d be interested in Christian. His attitudes about women, virginity and “sin” are so archaic that they make the Victorians look well-adjusted.

I wake with a start and a pervading sense of guilt, as if I’ve committed a terrible sin. Is it because I’ve fucked Anastasia Steele? Virgin? … Ana sleeps the sound sleep of an innocent. Well, not so innocent now.

He lies awake in bed, hours after their inaugural fuck-fest, watching her sleep – like Chuck Bass in my favorite fanfic. (Don’t judge me, please.) Christian reflects on Ana’s “unbridled enthusiasm for sexual congress” and concludes that “fucking her was merely a means to an end and a pleasant diversion.” This is the dude who’s melting the hearts of female readers the world over? Huh?

It’s at this point that I start wanting to count the number of times Christian’s “cock twitches in agreement,” because surely it’s been at least five so far. E.L. James is notorious for repeating the same words and phrases far too many times, but this is one of the first I’ve noticed in this book. Maybe her writing has improved (marginally) or maybe Christian is just less annoying than Ana (unlikely).

Ever-pretentious Christian goes to his piano – “my solace, where I can lose myself for hours” – and plays a sad Bach piece. I know he hasn’t forgotten that Ana’s there, so I guess he just doesn’t care if he wakes her up? And indeed, she does wake up, and comes to see him. When she calls him “melancholy,” we get a brief flashback to one of Christian’s memories, in which a previous submissive, Leila, also called him that word. It’s a welcome reprieve from the narrative, but doesn’t really reveal anything new about Christian’s character, like a flashback should.

They go back to bed and there’s blood on the sheets. “Evidence of her now-absent virginity.” Ana’s deeply embarrassed upon seeing this, but instead of comforting her, asking her if she’s still in pain, or offering to change the sheets, Christian just says, “Well, that’s going to give [the maid] Mrs. Jones something to think about.” Helpful.

They fall asleep together. In the morning, Christian is awakened by the smell of the bacon Ana’s cooking, and he goes to watch her in the kitchen. She doesn’t hear him come in because she’s wearing earbuds (see, she’s more considerate than him: when someone is sleeping nearby, she keeps her music quiet). “Christian watches Ana without Ana knowing” is a disturbingly frequent theme in this book.

She’s whisking eggs, making breakfast, her braids bouncing as she jiggles from foot to foot, and I realize she’s not wearing underwear. Good girl.

After she notices him and they chitchat awkwardly about pancakes and eggs, Christian pulls on one of her braids and says, “I love these. They won’t protect you.” ??!??!

“Mr. Grey,” she replies, with contrived formality, and winces as she sits.
“Just how sore are you?” I’m surprised by an uneasy sense of guilt. I want to fuck her again, preferably after breakfast, but if she’s too sore that will be out of the question. Perhaps I could use her mouth this time.

This is so alien to me. I am starting to believe Christian might be a sociopath, because how else could he view Ana’s sexual debut so cavalierly? Having sex for the first time is always at least kind of a big deal, and you need some time to process it and recover from it, at least emotionally if not physically. How can he think, Her vag is sore from her FIRST-EVER fucking; better make her give her first-ever BJ, too?!

After talking to her friend Kate on the phone, Ana asks Christian if it would be okay for her to ask Kate a few sex questions. The NDA she signed prevents her from going into too much detail about her sex life with Christian (including the fact that it exists at all), but she still wants to learn some basic things about sex. Christian tries to convince her to keep these questions to herself, and in doing so, he’s displaying a key behavior of emotionally abusive partners: trying to isolate Ana from her support systems. Nice.

“I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it? Your chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, okay?”

Translation: “My desire for you is entirely your fault, and if you push me over the edge and I rape you, it’ll be completely because of you, okay?”

They take a bath together. He lathers up her breasts and then kind of fingers her through a washcloth, during which he says to her, “Feel it, baby. Feel it for me.” He’s the king of dirty talk, right?! Also, here is a literal thing he says about his penis:

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first-name terms, if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Then there’s some HJ and BJ action. To Christian’s credit, at one point he tells her, “Anastasia, I’m going to come in your mouth; if you don’t want me to, stop now.” Hooray, ongoing consent. I was enjoying this paragraph until I saw that the thing that finally makes him come is Ana using her teeth on his dick. Look, I’m not saying no man has ever enjoyed a very slightly toothy beej, but I do have to wonder if E.L. James actually asked any penis-havers about this before writing it.

After he comes, he tells her he “owes her an orgasm,” and then impulsively begs her to say yes to his Dom/sub agreement. Um, I’m not sure it’s ethical to make someone sign a contract when you’re implicitly blackmailing them with proverbial blue balls. How about you make her come first, take some time for both of you to cool down, and then talk legalities?!

Anyway, he doesn’t make her sign it just yet. Instead, he takes her to his bed, and there’s actually a pretty great cunnilingus scene. It’s only occasionally ruined by weird Christian-thoughts such as:

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen pubic hair up close and personal like this.

After some more fucking and two orgasms for Ana (yeah, girl!), they are interrupted by the arrival of Christian’s (adoptive) mother, Grace. They engage in some pointless small-talk. She leaves after about two minutes and we’ve learned basically nothing about her or her role in Christian’s life. Cool narrative development, E.L. James!

Christian and Ana go for lunch and he tells her part of his backstory: a friend of his mother’s, Elena, seduced him when he was a teenager, and he was her submissive for six years. He doesn’t say a lot about this relationship but it sounds pretty fucked-up, obviously. He also reveals to Ana that her devirginization the previous night was a first for him too: his first time having “vanilla sex.” (Ana doesn’t even know what this phrase means, and has to ask him for clarification. Oh, sweetie…)

Ana fidgets beside me as we wait for the elevator, her teeth on her plump lower lip. It reminds me of her teeth on my cock.

And with that haunting image, I’ll leave you til next week. I know you’re champing at the bit for the next chapter… just like Ana is champing at Christian’s dick.

Review: NobEssence Seduction

Kate Sloan

2015-06-06 16.44.49

 

I have heard other reviewers describe G-spot stimulation as “addictive,” but I’m not sure I ever really understood that until the NobEssence Seduction.

Multiple orgasms are not usually my thing, but after the first time I came using the Seduction, it was less than an hour before I glanced over at it and thought, “Yeah, I need to use that again.” I did, and it was good enough to warrant the #GspotBLISS and #HOLYFUCK hashtags. That’s high praise!

I bought my Seduction in Portland when I was there for DildoHoliday. Epiphora took us to a local sex shop, and while the rest of the group wandered around looking at the store’s various wares, I found myself glued to the NobEssence display. In particular, I couldn’t stop staring at the Seduction. I’d only ever heard good things about it, and had wanted one for so long but had never even been in the same room as one. And now, here was a gorgeous black palm Seduction, right in front of me. So I bought it, even though it set me back a hefty $160.

When a sex toy is that expensive, it had damn well better be good. And let me tell you: the Seduction is incredible. Money well spent, as far as I’m concerned.

You know that “Oh shit, yeah” feeling that suddenly kicks into gear as you get close to an orgasm? That’s how my G-spot feels for most of the time that I’m thrusting the Seduction inside me. Its broad head is bigger than the G-spot toys I generally use, so it rubs over my entire G-spot with every thrust. There is no fucking around with this toy. Your G-spot cannot escape; the Seduction will find it.

Let’s be clear: everything I’ve said about this dildo so far has been about its larger end. The ball-shaped smaller end is good too, but it’s taught me something about my G-spot: it prefers broad stimulation, not pinpoint. Finely targeted pressure gives me more of that need-to-pee discomfort that sometimes puts me off G-spot play, while broader contact just feels good. As always, all bodies are different, but that’s how my G-spot rolls.

However, that’s not to say that I never use the small side of the Seduction. It makes for a terrific warm-up, helping my vag relax so it’ll be able to handle the significant girth (1 7/8″!) of the toy’s big end. And when that little ball is inside me, I can grind the Seduction’s shaft against my clit with minimal awkward angling. The motion is similar to jerking off a penis, and I like to do it while I idly read erotica or watch porn, as a prelude to serious self-fucking.

The orgasms I have from the Seduction (paired with a good clit vibe) are all-consuming and life-affirming. Panda says that hers makes her come so hard she cries, and I believe it. The combination of thickness, firmness, and a sharp G-spot angle makes for some very intense sensations. This dildo is not for you if you like your toys thin, gentle, or flexible.

But if your G-spot wants to have the wind knocked out of it… if you want to fuck your own brains out until you’re lying in a sweaty heap, possibly soaked in your own ejaculate… if you want orgasms that will make you weep and send fawning love letters to NobEssence… you need a Seduction.

Yes, it’s expensive. But pleasure this ridiculous is worth paying for.

5 Non-Boring Answers to “What’s Up?” When Nothing is Up

Kate Sloan

We’ve all been there. You get together with a friend who you haven’t seen in a little while, and they ask you, “So what’s up?” or, “What’s going on in your life?” or, “What have you been up to lately?” And your mind goes totally blank.

It’s not that your life is boring, but maybe there just hasn’t been a lot of drama lately. Everything’s kind of stayed the same. Nothing new to report.

Of course, the whole reason your friend asked you that question in the first place – aside from genuinely wanting to know how your life is going – is that they wanted to spark a conversation, and those standard questions are an easy way to do it.

So, with that in mind, here are five ways you can answer that question if you don’t have a “real” answer. Let me know how they work for you!

 

1. “Right now I’m obsessed with…”

In my journal-writing, I often talk about things that feel “emotionally significant” to me at the moment even if they’re not significant to my life in a tangible, physical sense.

You might be binge-watching a show on Netflix, fanatically following a particular news story, or ploughing through a delightful novel. You might have seen a rad YouTube video you want to ramble about, or maybe you just learned to cook a new meal and now you want to make it every damn day.

Whatever you’re fixated on at the moment, you don’t need to hide it away and look for something “more interesting” to talk about. Your friend is your friend for a reason. They’ll probably find your obsession charming. Or at least it’ll get a conversation started.

 

2. “Sometime soon, I’d like to…”

If nothing riveting is happening in your present, you can always talk about what’s gonna happen in your future.

For example, lately when friends ask me what I’m doing, my answer tends to include, “I think I might go on a trip to Newfoundland next year!” There’s nothing concrete about that, but it’s okay, because my friends still tend to find it interesting and it leads us into a conversation about travel, saving up, future plans, et cetera. That type of conversation is always exciting, even if none of our plans have officially been made yet!

 

3. “I was just thinking about that time that we…”

Just as projecting into your future can prompt fun conversations, so can reaching back into your past.

This can be especially enlightening with friends you’ve known for a long time. By talking about experiences you’ve shared, you strengthen your bond, and you can also reflect on how far both of you have come.

I have one friend who loves this type of conversation and approaches each one very thoughtfully. Some questions we’ll often ask each other as we talk about our past are, “What do you think you learned from that?” and “If you could do that over again, what would you do differently?” You can learn so much about your friend – and yourself! – by contemplating these questions together!

 

4. “This might seem small, but…”

If you haven’t got any “big” life updates to share, it’s perfectly fine to rattle off some small ones. You never know where you might find some common ground with a friend. They might have some advice for you, or they might be going through something similar.

Maybe you just installed a new TV in your house… or your ex-girlfriend posted something questionable on Facebook… or you ran into a former teacher. Whatever. It doesn’t need to be earthshattering. Your friend is your friend because, at least in part, they find you entertaining and pleasant – including your more mundane tales.

 

5. “Not much! So I think I need to…”

If you routinely find it difficult to answer when a friend asks you what’s going on, maybe that’s because you’re in a bit of a rut.

It’s totally okay to be happy with the status quo, but if you’re finding that you want to make some changes, maybe you can tell a friend that and see what suggestions they have for you.

If your job bores the fuck out of you, maybe it’s time to look for a new one. If your relationship feels stagnant, maybe you need to re-ignite it or call the whole thing off. If you’re feeling unchallenged across the board, maybe it’s time to learn a new skill or force yourself to try something new.

Your friend may be able to see a blind spot or destructive pattern that’s preventing you from moving forward, which is why it’s useful to have this type of conversation with a friend instead of just mulling it over inside your head.

 

I’m curious: how do you answer the “What’s going on in your life?” question if you don’t have much to say?

GJ Reads Grey, Chapter 6 (second half)

Kate Sloan

Want to go back? Read the previous instalment or the first chapter.

Last time, we left off with Christian pinning Ana against an elevator wall and kissing her aggressively without checking in or ascertaining her consent in any way. Cool story, bro!

This time, we start with a smaller manifestation of that same contempt for consent: she asks him to call her Ana, again, and he still goes on calling her Anastasia, because evidently he doesn’t give a shit about what she wants.

“Why do you insist on calling me Anastasia?” she asks.
“Because it’s your name.”
“I prefer Ana.”
“Do you, now?”
“Ana” is too everyday and ordinary for her. And too familiar. Those three letters have the power to wound…

Christian drives Ana back to the apartment she shares with her friend Kate…

Kavanagh jumps up and gives me a critical once-over as she hugs Ana.
What did she think I was going to do to the girl?
I know what I’d like to do to her…

It’s like this dude has multiple personalities, and one of them is a murderer. He’s continually written to seem totally blind to his own creepiness. Ugh.

A lock of her hair has broken free, and without thinking, I tuck it behind her ear. She leans her face into my fingers, the tender gesture surprising me. My thumb strays to her soft bottom lip, which I’d like to kiss again. But I can’t. Not until I have her consent.

YES! CONSENT! I would be cheering and pumping my fists in the air right now, if I didn’t know that by “her consent” he means “her signature on a creepy BDSM contract.”

Then Christian gets in the car with his brother Elliot, who’s apparently dating Kate now, and they have another one of their classic bro-y conversations. It’s filled with stilted dialogue out of bad ’90s teen sex comedies, like “Man, I need some sleep; that woman is voracious” and “How about you, hotshot? Did she pop your cherry?” (Can we have an Elliot spinoff novel? I bet he’s more fun than Christian.)

The results come back from the background check Christian ran on Ana’s friend José (remember?). No sexual harassment charges; only “a ticket for possession of marijuana.”

And the little prick smokes weed? I hope he doesn’t smoke around Ana – and I hope she doesn’t smoke, period.

Grey has his assistant print out a non-disclosure agreement and a copy of his “standard Dom/sub contract” for Ana. Oh, the romance!!

For the first time in a long time, I have a sweet sense of anticipation. I’m excited.
Will she say yes to my proposal?
I picture her sleeping beside me, soft and small… and my cock twitches with expectation. I could have woken her and fucked her then – what a novelty that would have been.
I’ll fuck her in time. I’ll fuck her bound and with her smart mouth gagged.

It’s gross that for him, the appeal of fucking Ana is that it would have been “a novelty.” Not that he likes her, or wants to make her feel good, or wants to explore an equitable and mutually enjoyable sexual connection… but that she would’ve been an interesting new way for him to get his dick wet. Sigh.

Christian picks her up after her shift at the hardware store. “She’s dressed in black jeans… Jeans again.” Dude, it’s probably unsafe to wear a skirt when you work around sharp and splintery objects all day! Can you cut her some slack for wearing jeans to a goddamn hardware store?! She’s not here to please your eyes and your dick!

He’s taking her out on a trip in his helicopter, which is called Charlie Tango. I have italicized the name of the helicopter not for emphasis but because it is literally italicized every time it’s mentioned in this book. This is probably too boring and journalism-nerdy to even get into, but dammit, it annoys me. Who copy-edited this trash? I even just Googled “do you italicize the name of a helicopter?” but the results were unhelpful.

“Over there,” I order, pointing to the front passenger seat. “Sit. Don’t touch anything.” I’m amazed when she does as she’s told.

Really? You’re amazed that a small, college-age woman feels intimidated by the commands of an older, authoritative multimillionnaire in an aircraft she doesn’t know how to operate and won’t be able to escape from? What is confusing about that?

Do you remember the shot in the movie where Christian straps her into the seatbelt-harness of the helicopter, like she’s a literal child? That part is even creepier in the book. He’s “trying not to imagine her naked” while he does it, breathing in her “sweet, evocative scent,” and conceptualizing the straps as some kind of bondage device. “You’re secure. No escaping,” he tells her, and then, “I like this harness.” So glad I’m not Ana right now.

“You’re safe with me,” I reassure her, and add, “Well, while we’re flying.” I give her a wink, she beams, and I’m dazzled.

Is this what serial killers’ flirty banter is like?

Before and during the takeoff, there’s lots of technical jabber about helicopter motors and dashboards, etc. E.L. James: always a riveting writer. (Just wait til we get to the BDSM contract, y’all. It leaps off the page, with its many salient details about nutrition and living arrangements and clothing. Yawn.)

“Do you always impress women this way? ‘Come up and fly in my helicopter’?”
“I’ve never brought a girl up here, Anastasia. It’s another first for me. Are you impressed?”

Can we talk about how she used the word “woman” and he immediately switched it out for “girl”? This encapsulates so much about this damn book.

He takes her to his house, which is called Escala. I wonder why its name isn’t italicized like Charlie Tango. (Okay, I’ll stop being a copyediting nerd now, I promise.)

“Do you play?” She looks at the piano.
“Yes.”
“Well?”
“Yes.”
“Of course you do. Is there anything you can’t do well?”
“Yes… A few things.” Cook. Tell jokes. Make free and easy conversation with a woman I’m attracted to. Be touched…

Yikes. Just… Yikes.

He has her sign the non-disclosure agreement, which she does willingly. Then she asks if he’s going to “make love” to her tonight and he delivers one of his most well-known lines: “I don’t make love. I fuck, hard.” He invites her to check out his “playroom” and she delivers one of her most well-known lines: “You want to play on your Xbox?” Oh, honey…

He takes her in there and they have an incredibly awkward conversation that seems to indicate pretty clearly what any astute reader knew was true: Christian has very specific desires for Ana and she doesn’t have much knowledge of or interest in what he’s telling her. She seems confused, unsettled, and unwilling. Any half-decent human would have abandoned this whole endeavor if they were in Christian’s shoes, seeing how uncomfortable Ana is. But he’s Christian, and he puts his own agenda first, always.

“So you’ll get your kicks by exerting your will over me.”
Spot on, Miss Steele.
“It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you.” I need your permission, baby. “I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy even, in your submission. The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”
“Okay, and what do I get out of this?”
“Me.” I shrug. That’s it, baby. Just me. All of me.

Then he shows her the bedroom where she’ll stay, Fridays through Sundays, if she agrees to the terms of his contract.

“I’ll sleep here?”
“Yes.”
“Not with you.”
“No. I told you, I don’t sleep with anyone, except you when you’re stupefied with drink.”

Christian, you dumb shit!! You just gave her a powerful incentive to get blackout drunk more often! Not to mention, after he says this, he continues plying her with wine, even though she won’t eat anything and it’s probably not safe for her to be drinking so much on an empty stomach. Ugh, someone please delete this book from my Kindle before I throw it out a window.

“I will punish you when you require it, and it will be painful.” For example, when you get drunk and put yourself at risk.

Like right now, perhaps???

He gets frustrated with her (quite reasonable) series of questions, so he shows her the rules laid out in the BDSM contract. Their ensuing discussion leads to the revelation that Ana is a virgin.

How the hell did I get this so wrong? Anger lances through me. What can I do with a virgin? I glare at her as fury surges through my body. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” I growl, and start pacing my study. What do I want with a virgin?

After he calms down a bit, he tells her he wants to “rectify the situation right now.” HOW are women worldwide swooning over this character?! HOW is it at all romantic or exciting for someone to express their desire for you as wanting to “rectify [your] situation”?? A bit later, he rephrases it to, “Please, Ana, let me make love to you,” and that’s better, but still. He should have led with that.

He takes her to his bedroom and there’s a sex scene that is, actually, not terrible. He makes her come by just sucking on her nipples (unrealistic, maybe, but she does admit she’s never masturbated, so maybe a first orgasm would be that easy?) and then they fuck twice in two different positions. You know, if it weren’t for the horrible, awkward dirty talk, E.L. James might not be too awful at writing sex scenes, I will concede.

The chapter ends with Ana falling asleep next to Christian, devirginized and sated and happy. Yes! Get it, girl!

Can we just end the novel here before shit starts to get really scary?

Want to keep reading? Go to the next chapter.