Author: Kate Sloan

WIshlist: January 2014

Kate Sloan

My sex toy collection is well above 100 toys now, and there’s still stuff I want. Folks, the obsession is real. Here are some toys I’m lusting after at the moment…

1. Limited-edition crystallized BodyWand – I have my doubts that the rechargeable BodyWands could be as strong/good as my electric one, but this blinged-out wand massager is cute and quirky and that makes me want to overlook its potential problems in other areas. Who doesn’t want a sparkly vibrator?!

2. Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe – My Eroscillator 2 Plus is still my all-time favorite sex toy, almost 2 years after I first reviewed it. If it ever breaks, or if I ever mysteriously come across an extra $200 that I have no other use for (ha!), you can bet I’ll snap up the more powerful version, the Top Deluxe. The original Eroscillator leaves nothing to be desired in terms of power, if you ask me (or my clit), but as a diehard Eroscillator fan, I always want more, more, more!

3. Jopen Comet II – The original Comet was a shockingly intense (non-vibrating) G-spot toy, and now Jopen’s released a sequel that vibrates, for those who like a little rumbling alongside their knee-weakening G-spot stimulation. I figure, even if I don’t like the vibrations (which I probably will), it wouldn’t hurt to have a spare Comet Wand around.

4. Liberator Throe – I can imagine few things more luxurious than owning a blanket specifically for sex. While I don’t squirt (yet?), I still think it would be wonderful to have something soft and absorbent under me during sex to catch any errant lube, sexual fluids, or menstrual blood. My bed has enough stains as is, thank you very much. (Is that TMI? …Too bad, this is a sex blog!)

5. Vibratex Mystic Wand – How do I not have this already?! Tons of people rave about it. Betty Dodson even provides each of her Bodysex workshop participants with one of these for their “erotic recess.” Reviews seem to indicate that it’s one of the few Hitachi knockoffs that doesn’t suck. I need one!

What’s on your sex toy wishlist?

Review: We-Vibe Salsa

Kate Sloan

I feel pretty “meh” about the We-Vibe proper, but their clitoral vibes are the bomb-diggity. (Is that phrase still a thing?) Previously I swooned over the flat-tipped Tango, so I knew I’d like the pointy-tipped We-Vibe Salsa. And dayum, gurl, it delivers.

The Salsa’s been discontinued (boo!) because it wasn’t selling as well as the Tango. This is sad because a) it’s awesome and b) it had color options that went beyond the typical gendered colors that the sex toy industry tends to offer. My Salsa is a sexy, deep black, but it also came in red and white.

The main thing I love about the We-Vibe clit toys, the thing that makes them indispensable and irreplaceable, is their deep, rumbly, wonderfully strong motor. I don’t think there is another clit vibe on the market that feels like this. It always feels weird and exaggerated when I say that a sex toy company is doing something that literally no one else is doing, but that’s true for these toys. They have no rivals. If you like rumbly power and don’t want to mess with something heavy like the Wahl or big like the Patchy Paul, these tiny vibes are absolutely the way to go.

I also recommend the Tango and Salsa to people all the damn time for these reasons: they’re fully waterproof, they’re quieter than the majority of vibes on the market, they’re rechargeable, and they’re small enough to carry around in your handbag or pocket.

…Not that you would necessarily want to carry them around, though – because, as I observed in my Tango review, they don’t have a locking option for travel. There is a distinct chance that your Salsa will start vibrating in your purse if you put it in there. If that’s okay with you, fine, but I know it would be an issue for me if my vibrator turned on while I was in a sociology lecture or at the movies, so my “on-the-go” vibe will continue to be my Lelo Mia 2 for the time being.

My other major quibble with the Salsa and Tango is that they only have one button, which you have to use to cycle through the 4 speeds and 4 patterns (which, by the way, are pretty good as far as patterns go, if you’re into that sort of thing). Sometimes I want to be able to move back and forth quickly between two or three particular settings, without having to cycle my way back to the beginning again.

The Salsa/Tango uses a very fickle magnetic charging system. The charger attaches to the bottom of the toy magnetically and it has to be just right or it won’t charge. (Hint: you should see a steady light on the bottom of the charger if you’ve done it properly.) This issue, combined with the fact that these vibes have a noticeably short battery life (60-90 minutes of use, depending on which settings you favor), made me mistakenly believe that my Tango’s battery had permanently died from misuse recently. Turns out I just wasn’t charging it right. So watch out for that.

The Salsa and Tango are each about 3 inches long, so there’s not a lot of space between the tip and where you’ll be holding the vibe. That means that your fingers might start to go numb if you use the toy for a while. It’s a worthwhile tradeoff, though, since the vibes’ small stature makes them ideal for using during PIV sex. You can never have too many intercourse-friendly vibrators, if you ask me.

Although the Salsa has a few annoying issues, they are worth overlooking for the totally astonishing quality of its vibrations. My whole clitoral network gets rocked by this toy, resulting in orgasms that feel deeper and happen quicker. Few toys can actually have a noticeable effect on orgasm quality, but this is one that does, so it’s worth picking up.

Sex Toys I Want to See in 2014

Kate Sloan

I haven’t been reeeeally excited about a new sex toy since the Jopen Key Comet Wand. 2013 was mostly a year of mediocre releases in the sex toy industry.

I want 2014 to be different! Here’s what I’d like to see happen in the industry this year…

New Njoy stuff. I’m obsessed with both my Pure Plugs, I am never disappointed by the mighty Pure Wand, and I think my Fun Wand is beautiful even though I don’t use it very much. There are still a few toys in the Njoy catalogue I haven’t tried yet – the small Pure Plug, Pfun, Pure Plug 2.0, and colossal Eleven – but none of those really strike my fancy. What I want is for Njoy to release a new toy, ideally something that innovates G-spot stimulation like the Pure Wand did. I feel like I’ve been hearing rumors for years that Njoy is working on something new, but I haven’t seen any proof of that yet.

Back to basics with Lelo. As Epiphora recently observed, Lelo does their best work when they’re keeping things simple, i.e. not messing around with the weird technologies they insist on implementing in their Insignia line. It’s infuriating that Lelo bothers with stuff like rotating Kegel balls, awkward couples’ vibes, and poorly-designed remotes when we know that they are capable of true greatness. Their basic vibrators (no bells, no whistles) transcend basic-ness and become reliable toybox workhorses. Please, Lelo, for the love of all things pleasurable and fun, quit with the “technological innovations” and go back to doing what you do best: toys that vibrate and feel good.

A new Fun Factory clit vibe. Fun Factory’s been coming out with insertable toys left and right lately – most notably, their Stronic pulsators – but it’s been a loooong time since they’ve released something just for clits. In 2013 I reviewed their ancient LayaSpot and implored them to rehaul it and re-release it as a rechargeable vibe with their signature super-rumbly motor, because, holy shit, that would make my clit so so happy. I could finally stop using my trusty Patchy Paul on my clit all the time.

Better rechargeables from Jimmyjane. C’mon, Jimmyjane, I believe in you! Your Form 4 may be too buzzy, your Form 2 may be glitchy, your Hello Touch may be an awkward attempt at innovation, and your Little Chroma may make me want to throw it across the room every time I use it, but I know you can do better. Your toys are beautiful and classy; they just don’t have the oomph to bring it home. Design a rumblier motor, hone it til it’s glitch-free, and release something amazing. I know you can do it!

Smaller O2 dildos from Tantus. I love my Cush and Adam, but sometimes my vag just isn’t up to such girthy toys. I know I’m not alone in thinking that Tantus should fill out the smaller end of the size spectrum of their O2 line. (There used to be a smaller O2 dildo called the Niagara which apparently sold so badly that it had to be discontinued… so that’s not exactly encouraging.)

What sex toys do you hope to see in 2014?

Let’s Talk About Terminology: New Year’s Resolutions

Kate Sloan

A lot of my new year’s resolutions tend to center around language – which I guess makes sense, because I’m a writer and a very linguistically focused person.

Last year I resolved to eliminate ableist slurs like “crazy” and “lame” from my vocabulary. This year my linguistic resolutions are mostly sex-related. Here are some of them; maybe you should make the same resolutions!

• Use the words “vulva” and “vagina” properly, even in situations where the audience/listener probably doesn’t know what the difference is, or has maybe never even heard the word “vulva” before. Take the opportunity to educate.

• Make a point to say “women” and not “girls” to describe female adults. Again: even when it’s uncomfortable or doesn’t fit the speech patterns of other people in the vicinity.

• Say “PIV,” not sex, when referring to penis-in-vagina intercourse. Specificity matters, especially when trying to avoid heterosexism!

• Use the term “sex worker” in lieu of antiquated terms like “prostitute” or “whore.” It’s helpful because it describes the work as work rather than dumbing down sex workers’ entire identities to the work that they do. (Read more about this?)

• Stop using “clean” to mean “STI-free”: people who have STIs are not dirty or immoral. (Read more about this?)

• Be better about gender-neutral and trans-inclusive language. I got called out at a sex toy workshop months ago for fucking up on this, and it’s a shameful moment that still sticks with me now, which makes me think I really need to work on it. People with vaginas are not necessarily women, people with penises are not necessarily men, and calling someone “female-bodied” or “male-bodied” can be problematic because a trans man’s maleness makes his body male and vice versa. (So I’ve been told. I don’t claim to speak for trans and gender-variant folks! Feel free to pipe up in the comments if you have objections or caveats…)

• Check on pronouns before writing about someone. I am usually good about this with people who I know to be trans and/or gender-variant, like Jiz Lee (who uses they/them) and Roger Wood (who I think uses he/him?). I start getting into trouble when I perceive someone as looking relatively gender-normative and then assume I don’t need to research their pronouns. (For example, did you know that Courtney Trouble prefers they/them?) I need to get better about checking the pronouns of every person I write about!

What are your sex-related new year’s resolutions for 2014? How do you plan to see ‘em through?

Review: Jimmyjane Little Chroma

Kate Sloan

The Jimmyjane Little Chroma is an old vibrator. It was designed and released years ago. Its technology is outdated, at least in the realm of luxury sex toys. And yet, when I was offered the Little Chroma to review, I wanted it. Because Jimmyjane’s marketing hustle is strong.

They made me want this vibe, with their talk of it being “everlasting” (they sell $20 replaceable motors for when the first one burns out) and “versatile” (yes, you can technically insert it in your vagina, though it’s only 2/3″ wide so I doubt you would) and “waterproof” (it isn’t really, but we’ll get to that). They make it sound damn enticing, like the best investment you could possibly make for your genitals. But the Little Chroma is all talk, no walk. It can’t live up to its hype.

First, the few good things about this toy: it’s made of aluminum, so it feels really smooth and sexy in the hand, and it holds temperature exceptionally well. It comes in cute colors like purple and black. It has a 3-year limited warranty. But… that’s about it. Everything else about it sucks.

Jimmyjane’s marketing for the Little Chroma is based on several lies-by-omission. I’ll list them for you here.

Lie #1: Vibrations. Jimmyjane’s website simply describes the toy’s vibrations as “strong-yet-silent.” What they don’t tell you is that this toy only has one speed. That’s right: unlike virtually every vibrator that sells for more than $15, the Little Chroma doesn’t offer you any options in terms of vibration strength. If you don’t like the one setting they supply you with, you’re fucked – and you probably won’t like it, because it’s as weak and buzzy as a typical bullet vibe.

In the instructional manual, Jimmyjane claims that the Little Chroma’s one speed is “the right speed” and that you can change how strong the vibrations feel by changing where you position the toy on your body. It’s true that the vibrations feel slightly stronger at the tip than on the shaft of the toy, but I only ever use the tip because even there the vibrations don’t feel strong enough. And yet somehow they make my fingers numb as I hold the toy. Ugh.

Using the Little Chroma takes me back to the days when I first started using vibrators – mostly cheap, battery-operated ones, because I was 16 – and I would go numb from the high-pitched vibrations within minutes. I would then have to physically rub the vibrator against myself in order to reach orgasm, and sometimes I wouldn’t even get off at all because there was no sensation left in my clit. Eventually I discovered rumblier vibes and found out that if a toy is good, you can usually just leave it in one spot and let it do the work for you. The Little Chroma does not fall into this definition of a good toy: it desensitizes me alarmingly fast, and I have to rub it up and down against my body to get anywhere close to an orgasm. This process also takes a lot longer than getting off with virtually any other toy.

Lie #2: Waterproof. With most waterproof toys, you can set them down on the side of the bathtub, settle into your bath, get comfy, and then grab your toy and have a nice orgasm with it. This isn’t possible with the Little Chroma, despite its claims of being waterproof.

See, the Little Chroma is only waterproof when the toy’s battery chamber is screwed shut – makes sense, right? – but when the battery chamber is screwed shut, the toy is on. There is no “off” button; you just unscrew the cap to turn it off. So when it’s off, it’s not waterproof – and when it’s waterproof, it’s always on. It has to be on the entire time you’re near water or you risk ruining your $125 toy. I cannot overemphasize how irritating this is.

Lie #3: Quiet. Don’t get me wrong – the Little Chroma is reasonably quiet when it’s actually in use. But when you’re twisting the cap (which, remember, is every time you want to turn the vibe on or off for any reason), it becomes loud, like a tiny little buzzsaw.

So picture this: your roommate comes home unexpectedly, or your mom suddenly knocks on your door while you’re masturbating, and you have to turn off your vibrator in a hurry. Not only does it take several seconds to twist the cap to the “off” position, but the vibrator also becomes weirdly loud while you’re doing this. If your intruder didn’t know you were masturbating before, they will certainly know when you slowly and loudly attempt to turn the toy off. Discreet? Nope. Not in the slightest.

Lie #4: Worth the price. The Little Chroma costs $125. You also have to pay for the AA batteries it uses, and an additional $20 for each additional replacement motor if the first one dies. For that much money, here’s what I think you ought to be able to expect from a vibrator: at least 5 speeds, rechargeability, full waterproofness, and easy orgasms. The Little Chroma delivers on none of these things.

True, the Little Chroma was designed at a time when expectations for luxury vibes weren’t really established yet and when consumers were still setting the bar pretty low for what a vibrator should do. But if we’re viewing this from a 2014 paradigm, the Little Chroma is a colossal waste of $125+. You’d be far better off spending that money on a Lelo Mia 2 (stronger, many more settings and speeds, rechargeable, waterproof) or a We-Vibe Tango (way stronger, 4 speeds, rechargeable, waterproof, super quiet) – hell, you could even get both of those, because even put together, they’re still only $25 more than the Little Chroma. And way, way, way better in every conceivable way.

Here’s what Jimmyjane should do: make the Little Chroma rechargeable, give it a much stronger and rumblier motor, turn its twist-off cap into a twist-dial speed controller, and make it actually waterproof. That could make it one of the best vibes on the market – but I doubt it’ll ever happen.