Author: Kate Sloan

Porn Review: Dylan & Tina

Kate Sloan

I am not normally that into kinky porn. I also don’t particularly get off on people in drag. But when I heard that Dylan Ryan dressed up as her alter-ego Butch Friday to administer a stern spanking and fucking to Tina Horn in a scene for QueerPorn.TV, I had to have it. I bought the “download to keep” version for $16 – and I am someone who practically never pays for porn. (Not that anyone is really a frequent porn purchaser these days…)

The video is set in a BDSM dungeon with bright red walls and plenty of sex furniture. Dylan, dressed not in her usual high-femme garb but instead in a wifebeater, trucker hat, and men’s pants, roughly pulls Tina into the room, and they go right into the action: Tina gets on her knees and begs to blow Dylan’s big black silicone cock.

Dylan is a natural dom. I’ve seen her boss the fuck out of people in other scenes, but never like this. She keeps a cool, confident, quietly commanding demeanor the entire time. And let me tell you, it is hot.

There’s a lot of genderfuckery going on in this scene: Tina calls Dylan “Sir” and Dylan calls Tina “boy.” My pussy didn’t find this particularly exciting, but my mind did: there’s too much proliferation of traditional gender roles in mainstream porn, so what QueerPorn is doing is refreshing.

Tina straddles a black leather bench and Dylan spanks her for a good long time. There is biting, wailing, and scintillating dirty talk. They have natural spanker/spankee chemistry together, which makes sense, given that apparently the idea for this scene was borne from a spanking session they shared at a play party in Toronto.

Tina doesn’t entirely convince me that she’s a total sub. There’s one part, toward the end of the scene, where she’s just been tied up in a sex sling, still wearing her panties, and points this out to Dylan. Dylan says she’ll just cut them off, and Tina whines, “But I like these.” It’s a break in character and momentarily kills the mood for me, because I want to see Tina grovel and submit and instead she complains about wanting to keep her underwear intact. I mean, I get it, but come on. (It’s okay, though, because Dylan just pulls the panties to one side and fucks her like that.)

Dylan, meanwhile, is pitch-perfect. I love her. I think she might be my very favorite porn star, especially after seeing this. She’s just so real. Even when Tina is fellating her dildo, Dylan reacts as if she’s actually getting the best blowjob ever. It’s fucking sexy.

You get a lot of bang for your buck when you buy this scene. Gender play, dominance and submission, spanking, slapping, flogging, oral, fingering, bondage, fucking, orgasm denial. There’s a great payoff at the end when Tina comes on Dylan’s cock twice (real orgasms with added clitoral stimulation, I might add), and then Dylan just leaves her hanging in the sling.

Seriously, this is what alt porn is all about: the celebration of diverse identities and authentic pleasure. You MUST get this scene if you like BDSM, girl-on-girl sex, Dylan Ryan, genderfucking, or all of the above.

I’m Dating a Demisexual!

Kate Sloan

Have you ever heard of demisexuality?

It’s okay if you haven’t. I hadn’t either, until I read a post on a friend’s blog, a response to a woman who had recently come out to her mother as being demisexual (i.e. she doesn’t experience sexual attractions to people unless she already has a strong emotional bond with them).

The argument against this woman (which I do not necessarily agree with – I’m still not entirely sure) was twofold:

1. You should not use LGBT terminology like “coming out” to apply to an identity that is not nearly as oppressed or disadvantaged as LGBT identities are.

2. You should not regard demisexuality as a legitimate identity, because it’s just a way to slut-shame women who don’t need to be emotionally connected to someone to have sex with them.

Initially, as a queer and sex-loving woman, I thought, “Yeah! Stop appropriating our terms and making other folks feel shitty for enjoying loveless sex!”

And then my boyfriend told me he believed himself to be demisexual.

Obviously, this required me to re-examine my beliefs about this orientation. And I realized what I always end up realizing when I initially reject someone’s self-professed labels: We each get to choose how we identify, and it’s no one else’s place to dispute that.

The thing is, there are people who genuinely aren’t sexually interested in folks until they know them a lot better (or, to quote Ewan McGregor’s character in the movie Down With Love, “all the way better”). It’s not intended to slut-shame on any level; it’s not a case of sexual elitism or puritanical ethics; it’s just the way their brains work. And if they feel like they want to use terminology like “coming out” to describe their experiences, we should allow them to do so… provided they are willing to accept the fact that they are (assuming they’re also straight) inherently privileged and not oppressed to nearly the same degree that LGBT people are.

Look, no one’s going to call you a freak for wanting to wait until you know someone better to have sex with them – no one, at least, who isn’t either totally stupid or totally joking. No one’s going to try to strip you of your basic human rights for being sexually choosy. So yeah, it’s probably going to piss some people off if you try to group yourself in with other non-standard sexual identities like gay or asexual or even kinky. That’s something you basically have to be willing to deal with if you want to proudly identify as demisexual.

As for the practicalities of dating someone who’s demisexual, here’s what I can tell you:

1. When we’re out and about together – walking down the street, getting drinks at a bar, whatever – I will occasionally see people that I find attractive. People who, if I were single, I might flirt with. People who seem cute and fuckable to me. By contrast, this never happens to my boyfriend. Literally never. If I point out some girl and say, “Wow, look at that foxy lady,” my man might acknowledge that said woman is pretty or is wearing a nice outfit, but he will express ambivalence on the topic of whether or not she is sexy or whether he would “do” her. I find this a bit vexing.

2. Recently I told my boyfriend that I sometimes wished our relationship was closer to “monogamish” than monogamous – that I would feel happier within our relationship if I were able to kiss and flirt with other people on occasion. While he was okay with this, and readily agreed to this “rule change” in our relationship, he could not fathom feeling how I felt. He could not identify with my need for the excitement of pursuing, and being pursued by, other people. I tried to explain it to him, but he couldn’t really get his head around it.

3. He is much more interested in emotionally-based sex than I am. I’m not sure if this is because he’s demisexual, or just because he’s a gentle, sensitive kind of guy (or maybe they’re related?), but it’s very noticeable. Sometimes I joke that, in some ways, he’s “the girl” in parts of our sexual union, because if he had it his way, I think we would always have slow sex in missionary position. I, on the other hand, would be happy to have hard, fast, doggie-style sex almost every time. We both enjoy having sex both ways (and other ways too), but it’s clear that we each have our favorite way, and they differ.

I believe strongly that the universe delivered me exactly the kind of lover that I was yearning for in the months before I met him. My previous boyfriend had exhibited signs of possibly being very bad at monogamy, and so I felt an acute desire to be with someone who had eyes only for me. So of course, I ended up with a demisexual – someone who can be hit on by a random hot person and have no interest in them whatsoever. I find it amazing how this worked out.

This is a huge topic, one I have a lot of interest in and haven’t yet formulated strong opinions on. So I have to ask you, readers: What’s your take on demisexuality? Do you think it’s a legitimate identity? Are you at all offended by it? Do you know any demisexuals? Tell me all about it!

Review: FixSation

Kate Sloan

Sexy Living told me they were sending me a FixSation and I was like, “Oh great, another wearable vibrator. Prepare for disappointment.”

I’d previously had a very iffy experience with the Lelo Tiani, which is, itself, a rip-off of the We-Vibe. So I felt kinda “meh” about having to wedge another vibe between me and my man.

Honestly, though, the FixSation is pretty okay, as far as wearable vibes go.

Before I get into specifics… can we talk about the name for a second? FixSation. When I first heard it, I thought it was possibly the most nondescript product name I’d ever heard. It doesn’t exactly sound like a sex toy, nor does it really sound like anything in particular. FixSation’s slogan is “Fixate on the Sensation when Friction meets Vibration,” so the name makes sense if you know the toy’s mission, but I don’t think I would ever guess its purpose just from the name. This makes it unmemorable – throughout the testing process, my boyfriend and I kept saying stuff like, “Want to use that… weird contraption… lacy thing?” because we couldn’t remember what it was actually called.

The FixSation has some damn classy packaging, which I can always appreciate. It comes in a slipcovered, thick cardboard box, containing compartments that hold the charger, the vibrator itself, the garter belt-like adornment that it attaches to, and a grey satin-ish bag for storage. Also included: a page of warranty information and instructions with illustrations that make me laugh.

It’s a rechargeable toy (fully, unlike the Lelo Tiani, with its rechargeable main unit and battery-operated remote). The charging port is covered by a little rubber plug when not in use, making it splashproof. This is one way in which Tiani wins, by being fully waterproof. I’m not a frequent shower-fucker, but it’s nice to have that option.

I definitely recommend that you take the time to figure out the FixSation well in advance of when you plan to use it. Some reviewers have put it together in a snap, while others have struggled; as for me, I had to recruit my boyfriend to do it. He threaded the thin, stretchy straps of the “panty companion” through the sides of the FixSation itself, and then hooked them into the back of the panties. The whole process was fairly similar to dealing with a garter belt or a bra, but I’ve never really been good at that kind of thing (despite being a total femme all my life), so I’m glad I had my man on hand to help.

You’ll have to unhook and re-hook the FixSation from its garter-panties home anytime you want to wash it (soap and water works – it’s ABS plastic with a PU coating), but after doing it once or twice, it gets much easier.

Sexy Living sent me a size medium, and I normally wear a large. The panty companion didn’t cause me any discomfort, though; the only downside to having the wrong size is that it created an unsightly muffin top. As far as I can tell, the product runs true to size – and it goes up to size XXL (18-20). All you curvy goddesses, take note!

In use, I definitely preferred the FixSation to the Lelo Tiani. The FixSation is contoured to the shape of the pubic mound and vulva, so it stays put when I wear it during sex. And unlike the other leading couples’ vibes (We-Vibe and Tiani), the FixSation has no internal arm. Women like me, who have a small-ish vagina that can only just accommodate a penis, may enjoy this feature of the FixSation. I certainly found it a lot more comfortable to wear than the Tiani, because there wasn’t any hard silicone poking me in the G-spot every five seconds.

One discomfort issue, which isn’t so much painful as annoying, is the ridges on the “female side” of the FixSation. They’re meant to stimulate the clit, which seems almost like a good idea until you realize: who wants tiny ridges rubbing over their clit?! Not me. The ridges are only really noticeable if my boyfriend presses really hard against me, but it’s enough of an issue to make me wish that this toy had a clit-sized bump there instead.

To turn on the vibrations, you hold down the power button (which is placed in a spot that’s actually convenient, hooray!) for 2-3 seconds. The FixSation has three speeds, which can be cycled through by pressing the button until you get to the desired speed. Disappointingly, the vibration strength is nothing to write home about, and is comparable at its highest to the medium settings on my other rechargeable toys, like the Lelo Mona.

For this reason, I don’t think the FixSation does well as a “finisher.” It doesn’t get me off during sex. It can feel very good, especially when my boyfriend presses his hips into me rhythmically or rotates them in a circle against my pelvis, but it just doesn’t have the power to get me off. It would work better for women who are sensitive and don’t usually use the highest settings on their toys.

Normally, if a toy is weak enough that I eventually have to give up and switch over to my Eroscillator, it makes me feel kind of frustrated and let down… but I don’t feel that way about the FixSation, at least not intensely. I feel that it’s a fun addition to intercourse, and it works better than the Lelo Tiani for what it’s set out to do – at least, for me. I might use it during those times when I want to make sex more enjoyable for myself but am not particularly fixated on getting off.

However, not gonna lie, I’m still eagerly waiting for the day that I discover a wearable vibe that actually makes me come during intercourse, hands-free. And preferably without poking my G-spot.

Ask Girly Juice: Handjobs For Everyone!

Kate Sloan

Anonymous asked: How do I give a good handjob?

Hey Anon, you’re in luck! I’m actually a bit of a handjob aficionado. I attended a workshop on the subject a few months ago, and since then, it’s been one of my favorite sexual acts – and if my boyfriend’s reactions are any indication, I’m pretty good with my hands.

The instructor at the workshop I attended stressed that the three most important elements of a good handjob are lube, variety, and pressure.

Lube is crucial for most guys. Some men, especially uncircumcised ones, won’t require lube to enjoy a handjob, but it provides a different and pleasant sensation that they may not replicate very often when they’re alone, so it’s worth including even if it’s not strictly necessary. My favorite lube for handjobs is Pjur Original Bodyglide – it was the recommended choice at the workshop I went to, and has turned out to be brilliant for this purpose.

Variety is very important because it’s something that most men don’t typically give themselves when they masturbate. I mean, think about it – when you get your own rocks off, you probably mainly focus on the one or two or three techniques that definitely work, without taking any time to experiment. A handjob shouldn’t be a step-by-step re-creation of what the guy does when he’s alone; it should be a re-imagination of what a hand can do to a penis. Mix it up, try different strokes, pay attention to his reactions!

Pressure isn’t a big deal to my boyfriend (he’s uncut and way more sensitive than most guys, so he prefers a looser grip), but most guys are into it. I read a study about the various sexual complaints that men and women have about each other, and one of them was that many men wish women would use more pressure. Don’t employ a vice grip (unless that’s what he likes!) but don’t be afraid to squeeze a little.

One useful trick I’ve learned: establish with your partner that “10” means the pressure is perfect, a lower number means your grip is too weak, and a higher number means you’re choking his dick. Periodically check in with him, asking him to rate the pressure on that scale. It won’t take long for you to learn what his happy medium feels like.

Remember that foreplay and build-up are not just for women – many men like that stuff too! It’s more than okay to spend several minutes teasing his nipples, thighs, pubic mound, balls, lower shaft, etc. before going for the gold. This will increase his sensitivity before you even really get started, making for a more intense eventual climax.

I asked my boyfriend what he values in a handjob, and he said he loves it when I delay the orgasm. As I said before, a handjob should be an exploration of techniques your man might miss when he’s in control of his own stimulation – and since my fella takes a maximum of five minutes to jerk off, I usually try to stave off his ejaculation for at least ten minutes. I build him up to the plateau phase, then back off and do some less intense techniques for a while, like ball-play or stroking his shaft – and then I do it all over again, a few times. This leads to a way more intense orgasm in the end.

Also, keep in mind that there are lots of things you can do to enhance his experience, other than just stroking his cock. I love giving handjobs so much that I usually end up humping my man’s thigh and moaning by the end of it, and he is totally into that. A little dirty talk can work wonders as well. Again, it’s all about giving him what masturbation can’t.

Hope that helps! The skill of giving handjobs is one that’s hard to master and way too much fun.

10 Sexy Things I Appreciate About My Boyfriend

Kate Sloan

1. He uses toys on me, enthusiastically and often. He is also totally thrilled that I review sex toys now, because we have all these fun new things to play with all the time. Some of my best orgasms ever have occurred while he was licking my clit and thrusting a toy inside me (a particular favorite for this purpose is the Lelo Mona). Seriously, the man knows his way around a dildo.

2. I told him once, long ago, that before inserting a toy into me, he should lube it up, either with actual lube or just by sticking it in his mouth for a few seconds. Ever since then, he’s typically begun each toy-play session by basically giving it a blowjob in front of me. He’s completely straight, but he knows it delights me to see him do this – not only because it’s hot, but because it reminds me how happy I am to have a sex-positive and open-minded boyfriend – so he does it every time.

3. He’s uncut. Fuck yes. I don’t mean to be insulting to dudes with circumcised cocks, and it’s just a matter of personal preference, but damn, do I love me some foreskin. It’s easy to operate, and smooth, and fun to play with. A++, would jerk again.

4. He fucking loves cunnilingus. Like, probably as much as I do. We met on OkCupid and I made sure to mark the “do you enjoy giving oral sex?” question as “very important” for my matches; I do not regret this decision. Receiving impassioned oral from a dedicated lover is one of life’s greatest pleasures, methinks.

5. Not only does he love cunnilingus, but he understands its importance in the grander scheme of sex. He understands that I need to be well-lubricated and turned on for intercourse to feel good. He understands that I need warm-up if I’m going to be able to masturbate to orgasm while he’s inside me. And he understands that good, enthusiastic oral can make me feel more loved and appreciated than almost anything else I can think of.

6. He’s adventurous. We’ve attempted some kink, a bit of roleplaying, a few silly positions. We’ve experimented with weird toys, for me and for him. We’ve laughed at our fumbles and moved on to have progressively better and better sex as time has gone on. Sex is like a game – you have to keep moving, you have to try new strategies and tricks to achieve your goals.

7. He knows how to use his cock. When we first met, he hadn’t had much experience with straight-up intercourse, and was nervous about his abilities – but over the year we’ve been having sex, he’s learned. Oh boy, has he learned. He can hit my G-spot with stunning accuracy, and often at high speeds. He seems to know the exact angle and pressure I need from him to help me get off during PIV. It’s extremely impressive and I don’t commend him enough for it.

8. He communicates. I mean, he’s dating me, so of course he does – but he does it well, and without complaint. When we have a problem, sexual, romantic, or otherwise, we discuss it until a solution is found and the issue dissipates. We’re both good at asking for what we want, even in the middle of the action. We don’t have to use coy metaphors and embarrassed phrasings – we just say it, whatever it is. Communication is the cure for bad sex, which is why ours is so damn good.

9. He doesn’t see penetration as the be-all and end-all of sex. We frequently have “intimate times” that involve using only our hands and mouths on each other, and neither of us views that as a downgrade of any kind. When I want to be fucked, I know he can deliver, but I greatly appreciate the fact that he values hand and mouth sex as much as I do – as much as everyone should.

10. He’s really fucking handsome. His face, hair, hands, mouth, arms, ass, and cock are totally enticing. And he smells how I imagine George Clooney would smell after a day at the beach. Is there anything sexier than a smart man who smells good? I doubt it.