Author: Kate Sloan

People With Penises Can Wear Strap-Ons Too!

Kate Sloan
Photo by (and of) my lovely partner, modeling a RodeoH harness with a Godemiche Ambit dildo

Today I come to you with an important public service announcement: people with vulvas aren’t the only ones who can wear strap-ons. People with penises can wear ‘em, too!

You might be thinking, “Why would someone want to strap on a fake dick when they already have a real one?” There are actually many answers to this question; here are just a few of them:

 

Variety’s sake

Your dick’s shape and size are great, but there are other shapes and sizes that can also feel good. For instance, I used to ask a particular boyfriend to strap on a dildo that was smaller than his actual cock so we could have anal sex more easily. The dildo also had a deeper curve than his dick, so it could stimulate my G-spot (through the anal-vaginal wall) more intensely than he could without it.

Some toys also offer a texture and/or hardness that your dick just doesn’t, such as glass dildos (of which there are indeed some that are harness-compatible). Strap-ons are fantastic for broadening the array of sensations you’re able to provide for your partner.

 

Stamina

Being able to last “long enough” is one of the primary sexual concerns of a lot of penis-havers, and it becomes almost a non-issue when you’re strapping on. (I say “almost” because it is possible to reach orgasm from fucking someone with a strap-on – but naturally, it’s more difficult and less common than getting off from regular ol’ penile stimulation.) You can basically fuck your partner for as long as you want – or as long as they want – without worrying that you’ll come too soon.

This can give you peace of mind, but it may also give your partner peace of mind. I’ve often worried I was taking “too long” to come during PIV, especially if my partner was noticeably staving off their orgasm – often with difficulty – so I could reach mine. But when they’re wearing a strap-on, I can take my time a bit more, and still experience the super-intense orgasms I have from getting fucked while providing my own clitoral stimulation with my fingers or a vibrator. My partner can even fuck me with a strap-on after they’ve already come, something that’s tough to do if (like most people) you’ve got a refractory period.

 

Erectile difficulties

If you struggle with inconsistent or nonexistent erections, using a strap-on can make a world of difference in your sexual confidence and capability. Strap-on sex gives you a lot of the same intimacy, closeness, and thrusting leverage as you get during standard PIV or anal sex, but you get to use a store-bought boner instead of worrying about conjuring your own. (This may be especially relevant for you if you’re unable to use medications like Viagra due to having medical contraindications or a lack of financial access to them.)

 

Focus

One complaint I’ve occasionally heard from partners is that they’d like to be able to pay more attention to my pleasure faces and noises, etc. during sex, but get somewhat distracted by their own pleasure, making this hard to do.

When you’re wearing a strap-on, you can more readily focus on what’s going on for your partner, which many people find ultra-hot. It also means that when it’s “your turn” to receive pleasure (e.g. via a post-strap-on-sex BJ), you can focus fully on that, instead of also worrying about whether you’re pleasing your partner enough at the same time.

 

Kink

Sometimes wearing a strap-on is just fucking hot! Maybe your fantasy is to dominate your partner by ploughing them with a huge dildo, or maybe you want to satisfy them with a strap-on while your real cock’s locked away in a chastity cage… There are about a zillion different kinky scenarios that could benefit from incorporating a strap-on.

A lot of kink is about power, and wearing a formidable cock that never gets soft can be quite powerful… as can “forcing” someone to fuck you with a strap-on, verbally humiliating them about it, etc. There’s so much psychosexual territory to explore!

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

4 Reasons You Shouldn’t Be Jealous of Your Partner’s Sex Toy(s)

Kate Sloan

Having written about sex toys for as long as I have, one of the most common complaints I hear from readers about toys is that they’re nervous their partner will react poorly to them. Either they already know their partner has a bad attitude about toys because of previous conversations they’ve had, or they just have a sinking feeling about it, and are therefore hesitant to incorporate their favorite pleasurable gizmo(s) into sex.

I also sometimes receive questions from the jealous partner themselves, wondering why they’re experiencing such irrational jealousy and resentment about their sweetheart’s Fleshlight or realistic dildo. After all, a lot of times, when we feel intense distress about someone else’s otherwise harmless choice, it has to do with underlying emotional issues that we may or may not be aware of – and when we’re not aware of them, it can seem like there’s nothing we can do about them.

With that in mind, here are 4 reasons you shouldn’t be jealous of your partner’s sex toy…

 

You bring so much more to the table than a dildo or stroker!

It might sound obvious, but it’s true: you are a human being, and so you are automatically capable of doing many, many, MANY things that sex toys alone cannot do! And I say this as someone who is, obviously, a huge fan of sex toys. They can’t whisper cute/hot things in my ear. They can’t remember what I like and do more of it (seriously, even the A.I.-influenced toys that claim to be able to do this are nowhere near human-level good at it). They can’t tap into the fantasies and archetypes that turn me on and play those out with me. They can’t replace the feeling of a warm, soft, touchable person in bed next to me. They can’t make me laugh, or hold me when I cry.

If you truly believe that a sex toy has the ability to replace you or upstage you, I would (lovingly) invite you to consider that you might have some self-esteem issues that are worth working on, so you can be happier in and out of the bedroom. (More on that in the last point on this list.)

 

You can use sex toys with/on your partner!

Toys are just tools. As the classic analogy goes: if you use a hammer to build a house, it wasn’t the hammer that built the house, it was you! And by the same token, if you give your partner pleasure and/or orgasms with toys, it was still you who did that. You just used a tool to do it – and using tools and technology is quite literally part of what makes us human, part of what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. You wouldn’t consider yourself a failure for needing to wear bifocals, or for cooking on a gas range instead of over an open fire, and for the same exact reason, you shouldn’t consider yourself inadequate for incorporating sex toys into sex.

Besides which, using sex toys together can be a really fun adventure, and a way to infuse some novelty and variety into your sex life.

 

Pleasure is a good thing!

You want your partner to experience pleasure, right? Because you like them (maybe even love them) and want them to be happy? And it’s very likely they want the same for you.

More pleasure is a good thing, period. Sex is (for most of us) primarily about pleasure and intimacy. Sex toys can help you in your pursuit of those goals.

If you find that maintaining a sense of yourself as sexually indispensable is more important to you than your partner’s pleasure, well… I think that’s worth examining.

 

Slapping a Band-Aid on your insecurities isn’t the same thing as addressing/healing them

I’ve learned this in so many different areas of life. Our fickle human brains like to come up with “logical” solutions to emotional problems. This is why, for example, some monogamous straight people will insist that their partner “can’t” have any friends of the “opposite sex,” because to do so is perceived as a threat to the relationship even when it’s obviously not. These people are trying to “legislate away their feelings” through rules and “boundaries,” in the same way that a person might “forbid” their partner to use sex toys in order to avoid facing the insecurities and anxieties that sex toy usage might bring up for them.

What I have learned is that you cannot outrun or “logic away” these issues. They will keep coming up, in various different forms, until and unless you face them and heal them. And when the issues in question are related to your partner’s rights and freedoms, oftentimes they will manifest in very problematic and perhaps even abusive ways.

The fact is, you don’t get to impose coercive rules on your partner just because you are insecure and anxious. Your partner may want to help you with your insecurities and anxieties, which would be very nice of them, but they are not obligated to, especially if the “help” you are requesting amounts to them making their life smaller, less joyful, and worse just to appease you.

But here’s the really important point – and I say this with love: you will be happier if you address your issues head-on, rather than trying to re-route your discomfort onto someone else. Whether through therapy, journaling, cognitive-behavioral exercises, Internal Family Systems exercises (which have helped me enormously with my insecurities and abandonment anxieties), or any other method of investigative self-reflection, it’s important to figure out what you’re so afraid of, why you’re afraid of it, and whether your fears have any basis in your current reality. More often than not, these types are fears are founded on false beliefs you’ve picked up from past experiences and/or cultural influences, and you don’t need that shit floating around in your brain – it’ll only cause you pain, and cause your partner(s) pain by proxy.

You deserve to live a life of happiness and pleasure, and so does your partner. And that’ll be much easier to achieve once you truly believe, in your very bones, that you are worthy, you are enough, and you have more to offer than a phallic piece of silicone.

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Behind the Seams: Solo Dinners, Writing Adventures, & Barbie

Kate Sloan

June 17, 2023

After recording my song video for the week, I changed into this for the rest of the day. (Not really sure why I almost always pick an outfit/”costume” for my weekly song videos; it’s just become part of the process for me at this point. That week’s song was a sardonic post-breakup anthem so I wore all black with a big red heart necklace.)

I wore this outfit to go to the park and write fanfiction while sitting on a bench. This has been one of my favorite pastimes these past few months – not just writing fanfic but specifically doing it while sitting outside, surrounded by people and birds and grass. The bustle of it seems to help with my creative flow, kind of like sitting in a café, only more summery. (Incase you’re wondering, the chapter I wrote on this day was a CBT-infused BJ scene.)

What I’m wearing:

• Dark green cropped T-shirt – Calvin Klein (it’s surprised me how often I’ve worn this since buying it – it’s just sooo comfy because it’s made of a modal blend)
• Dark blue plaid schoolgirl skirt – H&M; bought a size up from my usual size because I wanted it to sit at my hips and not my waist, so it wouldn’t be obscenely short on me (and honestly it’s still pretty obscenely short)
• Black leather Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star sneakers
• Tiffany & Co. dog collar
• Blue leather briefcase – Coach Outlet (it’s exactly the right size for me to slip my laptop, wallet, keys, phone, and headphones into it for jaunts to the park to write)

July 15, 2023

I wore this to go see a one-person show, starring and written by one of the kids who was on the high school improv team I coached in 2011-2012. I say “kid” but that was actually so long ago that they’re all adults now, doing amazing stuff out in the world.

I pretty much always have a great time when I go see theatre by myself. This particular theatre was enforcing a mask requirement so I didn’t feel too nervous about it COVID-wise. I laughed and cried and marvelled and it was a lovely night.

What I’m wearing:

• Hippo Campus T-shirt – a gift from my brother
• Navy A-line skirt – Old Navy like a decade ago
• Black leather Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star sneakers
• Coach Rambler crossbody bag
• Custom-engraved “Daddy’s” heart-shaped lock from L’Amour-Propre worn on a chain

July 21, 2023

All the Barbie fever had me feeling hype about the color pink, so here’s what I wore a couple days before going to see the movie.

My partner and I have developed a protocol for my current ~secret project~ where, when I hit certain milestones, they pay for me to have a nice solo dinner out somewhere. So on this night I got dressed up and went for a luxuriant meal at my local fancy steakhouse. I was reading a long Sherlock fanfic on my Kindle, and sipped cocktails while eating scallops, steak, and mashed potatoes. Perfect self-date, if you ask me!

What I’m wearing:

• Black dress – Grace Karin (bought when I dressed up as Bettie Page for Halloween a couple years back)
• Pink metallic cowboy boots – Jeffrey Campbell, a findom gift from my love
• Pink and blue silk headscarf – a gift from my friend Sarah
• Tiffany & Co. dog collar
• Coach Rambler crossbody bag
• Prescription sunglasses – Zenni

July 23, 2023

My outfit to go see Barbie with some pals!

Dressing to a theme is so much fun. Some people on my Twitter timeline observed that we should all dress up for movies more often (those of us who like doing that, anyway) and I agree. Sometimes choosing a theme or goal aesthetic is the best way for me to motivate myself to get dressed and get out of the house, because I relish the femme challenge of it.

The movie was great! I only wished there was more Michael Cera, but, y’know. We can’t always get what we want.

What I’m wearing:

• Pink sequinned dress – Grace Karin
• Pink metallic cowboy boots – Jeffrey Campbell
• Coach Rambler crossbody bag
• Pink sparkly heart necklace – Tarina Tarantino
• Pink KN95 mask – MaskC (I’m not wearing it in these photos but you can see it in my hand, and it was an important part of the overall look)

July 31, 2023

Another outfit for a cute solo date, this one a little more low-key – I went to my local British pub and had a delicious and indulgent meal while, again, reading Sherlock fic on my Kindle. I am a creature of habit.

The tote bag was a gift from the folks at Vibratex, the current makers and distributors of the legendary Magic Wand, and I love it. I’ve been putting various enamel pins on it, most of them Magic Wand-themed, to liven it up a little. I like that the message written on it is subtle enough that people don’t stare at me weirdly in public, but is a bit of a wink-wink-nudge-nudge to anyone who happens to know about the Magic Wand.

What I’m wearing:

• Navy T-shirt – Wythe Hotel (worn about a zillion times since I acquired it shortly after having my very meaningful 3rd date with my partner at said hotel)
• Black ruffly skirt – thrifted in 2007-ish; it’s been a loyal fave for many years
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• “I make magic happen” tote bag – gift from Vibratex
• My sub’s chastity key on a chain

August 1, 2023

A little androgynous flavor for ya!

I wore this to go have drinks with an old friend/FWB who I met when we both worked at the same sex shop. We had a lively discussion over dinner and drinks, and then drunkenly made out in front of a subway station for a while. Ideal.

Then I wandered over to my parents’ house and hung out with my mama for a bit, catching up on what’s going on with her.

What I’m wearing:

• White V-neck men’s T-shirt – Hanes
• Black high-waisted straight-leg jeans – Madewell
• Black leather Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star sneakers
• Hair styled in a way I’ve been doing it a lot lately, which involves applying pomade when it’s wet, combing it all back so it dries perfectly straight/flat, and then flat-ironing it to give it some extra polish

5 Fun Things to Do When Your Partner is in Chastity

Kate Sloan
Wearing my sweetheart’s chastity key around my neck 🔑

Chastity has joined my constellation of kinks relatively recently; I’ve been my partner’s “keyholder” since 2020. They’re not locked up all the time, or anywhere close to it – usually I’ll lock them up for anywhere from a few days to a week or more, but never for longer than a month. However, even short stints of keeping their dick under lock and key can be emotionally and sexually intense for both of us. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more powerful than I do while literally wearing the key to someone’s genitals around my neck, giving them commands which they eagerly follow.

You might think that your sexual options would be limited if one partner’s junk is inaccessible – and yeah, it definitely puts some fun parameters around the types of play you’re able to engage in. But there’s a lot you can do even while your partner’s dick is caged. Here are a few of my favorite examples.

 

1. Strap-on sex

I’m a fan of strap-on sex in general, regardless of the gender or anatomy of the person I’m with; it’s an enjoyable way to experiment with sensations that are different from those you’d be able to access just by getting fucked with fingers or a flesh-and-blood dick. It can also feel more intimate and visceral than having someone simply hold a dildo and fuck you with it by hand.

It can be amusing to “make” my partner fuck me with a strap-on while they’re locked up. I can taunt them about not being able to do it with their actual cock, and can make humiliating comments about how they wouldn’t be able to last long enough to please me anyway, etc. Plus, on a purely logistical level, I like getting off from penetrative sex but often partners indeed can’t last long enough for me to get there, so it’s nice that with a strap-on, I never have to worry about them coming too soon and thereby losing their boner. (They might still come, though… especially if they’ve been denied orgasms for a while, and are particularly enjoying the sights and sounds involved in fucking me with a strap-on. Erotic hypnosis can also be used to make it so that my partner actually feels like the dildo is their dick, which can make it easier for them to orgasm from fucking me with it. Neat!)

Naturally, it’s also possible for me to wear a strap-on and fuck my partner with it while they’re locked up. I could see this being a particularly compelling activity for people who want to learn to come from prostate stimulation alone, since you literally can’t get any dick stimulation this way if you’re wearing a chastity cage, and have to rely on the prostate stim if you want to get off at all (assuming you’re allowed to!).

 

2. Butt plugs

Speaking of prostate stimulation… Wearing a butt plug can be a nice way of getting some kind of pleasure even if your usual avenues are thwarted.

I sometimes like to have my partner wear a butt plug while they go down on me or otherwise please me, because it seems to keep them more focused on the task at hand, and increases their arousal and pleasure throughout the process.

Vibrating butt plugs can be especially fun. One of my favorites can be controlled long-distance, so I can give my partner prostate orgasms even while they’re 500 miles away from me, which is pretty cool.

 

3. Love letters

One of my favorite things about chastity play is the emotional effect it has on my partner. This could be the topic of a whole other blog post, but suffice it to say, their romantic feelings toward me get dialed way up after a few days of being denied orgasms. It’s almost like they’re back in “New Relationship Energy,” the name given by polyamorists to the euphoric and obsessive mental state that is also sometimes termed the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship.

My partner is always good at writing me love letters, but particularly so when they’re in chastity, because of these elevated emotions. They can pontificate for paragraphs about how much they love various personality traits, talents, and body parts of mine. Since I’m not always the most self-assured person, I often like to take the opportunity during chastity stints to have them write me adoring words that I can look back on for months or years to come, whenever I need a confidence boost. Doing this might earn them a reward, or sometimes it’s just a task I assign them for fun.

 

4. Vibrators

Did you know you can use a vibrator on a chastity cage and the person wearing it can feel the vibrations? This isn’t true under every circumstance – my understanding is that it only really works if the person is hard inside their cage, but, y’know, it’s not too terribly tricky to get my partner hard when they’ve been denied any sexual stimulation for days at a time.

I like using vibes on my partner’s cage when I want to reward them with pleasure but still want them to feel teased and tormented to some extent. They’re obviously not feeling the full force of the vibrations when they’re conducted through the metal cage, so the stimulation feels comparatively muffled in a way that can be thrillingly frustrating. And orgasms, when they happen this way, can be painful and/or ruined, due to the tightness of the cage and the diffuse nature of the stimulation, which makes them a delightful treat for sadomasochists.

For this purpose, I would recommend a vibrator that’s strong and rumbly enough to be felt through the cage. Powerful wand vibrators are my faves to use for this purpose, especially those with a softer head that won’t clang against the cage too harshly. You can experiment with placement, but I find that pressing the vibe against the frenulum area usually works best.

 

5. Cuckolding

Now, granted, this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and won’t be within everyone’s relationship boundaries (but then, that’s true of all of these suggestions!). My partner and I are non-monogamous, though, and they enjoy the humiliation of being cucked, so it’s been fun for us to lean into that side of things occasionally.

For example, my partner has sometimes paid for my meal or transportation on nights when I’ve had dates (or, in one memorable case, a blowjob porn shoot) with other people, and then I might come home afterward and tell them about my evening over the phone while they groan in frustration. This amuses me, boosts my confidence, and helps ease the irrational guilt I sometimes feel about dating/kissing/fucking other people even though I’m explicitly allowed to do so. Plus it’s kind of a sweet (if perverted) way to reconnect after an evening apart.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

My New Favorite Menstrual Cup Might Be the Best One I’ve Ever Tried

Kate Sloan
All images via DivaCup

I’ve been using menstrual cups for nearly a decade and a half. With a few exceptions – like times when my period randomly arrives while I’m traveling and don’t have a cup with me, or times when my vagina is too sore for insertion so I temporarily switch back to pads or free-bleedin’ – I have never gone back.

Cups are just too good. They’re more convenient, better for your body than pads and tampons, more cost-effective, more environmentally friendly, and (once you get the hang of them) they can even be less messy.

My go-to cup for many years was a large Yuuki cup, which I liked because of its high capacity and how seldom it spilled or leaked. But back in October I received a press release from the people at DivaCup about their new Diva Disc and my interest was piqued.

Like Kleenex or Band-Aid, DivaCup is a brand so closely associated with their product category that some people use their brand name even when talking about other products by other brands. My very first menstrual cup was a DivaCup, way back in 2009 (I subsequently moved on because I found that the soft silicone they use was causing leaks/spillage for my particular body). They know what they’re doing when it comes to menstrual cups.

The Diva Disc is a bit different – it has a flat-ish design compared to a regular cup, so it sits horizontally in the vagina rather than vertically, which some people might find more comfortable and intuitive. I certainly find this disc easier to insert than many of the traditional cups I’ve used, largely because there’s no need to twist it around to create a suction seal once it’s inserted – you just fold it in half to make it small enough for insertion, shove it in there, and it unfolds on its own and usually finds the right position without issue.

It’s got a couple of features that set it apart from other menstrual discs I’ve tried. One is its “leakproof shield,” a thin piece of silicone that stretches across the top of the disc near where your vaginal opening will be, which prevents blood from sloshing out of the disc when you pull it out. This is usually a big problem with discs, because their flat design makes them act like a “blood drawer” (as one menstrual-cups blog put it), prone to spilling blood if you’re not super careful about the angle you pull the disk out at. I don’t have to be anywhere near as careful with the Diva Disc because the shield keeps blood mostly contained as I’m transporting the disc from my vag to the sink to rinse it out.

Another key feature the Diva Disc has is a silicone pull-tab, which makes removal much easier. I usually hate the little “stem” at the bottom of a traditional menstrual cup and have cut the stems off most of the cups I’ve owned, because they typically just poke me in the vaginal wall and don’t offer much practical benefit when I can always just grab the base of the cup with my fingers, twist to release the suction seal, and pull the cup out. But I’ve come to really enjoy the convenience of the pull-tab on the Diva Disc; I don’t have to reach as far inside myself to get it out, which ultimately results in less discomfort and less mess.

As for more basic considerations: the Diva Disc leaks less, and is way more comfortable, than most of the cups I’ve owned. My vagina can get sensitive to penetration during my period after a while, but the Diva Disc’s shape and soft silicone are comfy enough that they don’t bother me, even when my vag is throwing a tantrum. The capacity of this disc is great, and it’s supposedly suitable for up to 12 hours of wear (although I try to take mine out and rinse it off every 8 hours, at most, for vaginal flora health reasons). The disc is a dark grey color, which – while it doesn’t especially spark joy for me – would probably make this product feel more welcoming for nonbinary and transmasc menstruators. As is common in the cup world, this disc also comes with a little storage bag, so you can keep it lint-free when you travel with it. Ideal.

I really wasn’t expecting to fall in love with the Diva Disc when the Diva company sent it to me, but it’s quickly become the only menstrual product I want to use when period time comes around. Kudos to the makers for creating a genuinely well-thought-out product that does its job with minimal hassle required. Menstruating is never fun, but it’s made my period tolerable, which is really all I can ask for.

 

This review wasn’t sponsored, I just really like this product.