Author: Kate Sloan

Review: Twisted Beast Marchosias dildo

Kate Sloan

I’ve reviewed a lot of dildos that are meant to look like human cocks, and a lot of dildos that aren’t meant to look like cocks at all – but it’s far less common that I review a dildo which is supposed to look like a cock, just not a human one.

The Twisted Beast Marchosias, which I’m reviewing today, is one such dildo. It’s meant to be canine-esque, with a pointed tip and contoured, “knotted” shape.

As I’ve mentioned here before, bestiality fantasies (even those involving humanoid/anthropomorphized animals) just don’t do it for me, so I usually find these dildos interesting moreso from a psychological and sociological standpoint than from an erotic one. I think they speak to (among other things) the way humans sometimes cloak our sexual desires in order to sidestep sexual shame. You might not feel fully able to have rambunctious, uninhibited sex in all the ways you want to, but a wild animal in heat certainly can – so whether you picture yourself being fucked by an unbridled creature, or being that creature, its archetypally primal nature can alleviate some shame and self-judgment.

As I pondered this while getting myself turned on for an initial testing session with the Marchosias, I realized I didn’t have to disqualify myself from having this type of fantasy just because I’m not into dog dick. Instead, I pictured what it would be like if a human was fucking me, when, unexpectedly to both of us, their cock started to swell at the base, “knotting” inside me and keeping our bodies locked together until the deed was done. I imagine we’d both feel surprised and confused about these events, but at the same time, it’d be a massive turn-on – not only psychologically but physically, since the knot would make the dick feel bigger inside me and would create some compression around the base of the penis, trapping blood inside like a natural cock ring, which would make it all the more sensitive and swollen.

…Okay, I’ll stop with the word-porn now; this is a sex toy review, not werewolf erotica. (Nothin’ wrong with werewolf erotica, it’s just not my bread and butter, honey!) I did want to highlight for you, though, that you don’t have to be a furry, or anything of the sort, to enjoy animalistic dildos like the Marchosias (although I’m sure plenty of furries do enjoy it!). You can always get creative with your fantasies, and a toy like this can make them seem all the more real.

Pictured with a Magic Wand Rechargeable for scale

Customization options, hooray!

The Marchosias is available in four different sizes:

  • Small ($89.95): 7″ insertable length, 2.13″ widest diameter
  • Medium ($169.95): 9″ insertable length, 2.55″ widest diameter
  • Large ($260.95): 11″ insertable length, 3.34″ widest diameter
  • XL ($368.95): 14″ insertable length, 4.14″ widest diameter

I chose the small, because – as is often the case for fantasy dildos like those made by Twisted Beast – it’s not really very small at all! Its dimensions are similar to realistic dildos of porn-star dimensions, except of course that it’s shaped quite differently.

I went with the ombré colorway, because it’s far more unique-looking than the other option, a solid red. The black-to-red fade looks super sleek and cool; I love the way the colors subtly swirl together along the shaft.

Twisted Beast doesn’t offer customization of dildo hardness vs. softness. This one is their standard silicone, which is on the soft-and-squishy side of the spectrum. The company describes it as being comparable to Bad Dragon’s “soft” shore.

Things I like about the Marchosias dildo

  • This is definitely the most comfortable dog-dick dildo I’ve ever tested. (Lord, what a sentence. What would my journalism school professors think of me now?!) Usually the girthy knot will push my vagina’s limits, but this dildo’s knot is much closer in diameter to the rest of the dildo, and is softly rounded off, rather than bulging out at extreme angles. This, combined with the softness of the silicone, makes this toy relatively comfy even when I’m pounding myself with it pretty hard, as long as it’s well-lubed. I don’t feel sore afterward at all, either (which admittedly could be a drawback for people who like that post-penetration ache!).
  • The softness of the silicone also lends a deliciously satisfying quality to my orgasms, like my vag is squeezing a stress ball with each contraction. As I’ve noted before, I think I come harder with toys made of firmer materials, because of the unrelenting pressure they apply to internal erogenous zones – but orgasms with something squishier inside me can be more pleasant, paradoxically, since they don’t knock the wind out of me quite so much.
  • On an aesthetic level, I don’t care whether a dildo has balls or not – but practically speaking, I like that they function as a ‘handle’ for this toy, so I can thrust it by hand without issue even when my pain is flaring up. The balls also make this toy anal-safe and strap-on compatible, so if you’ve ever wanted to fuck your lover up the butt with a dog dick, go nuts.
  • On that note, I never lose track of how the dildo is oriented inside me (as with many other toys) because of the balls and the pentagram (!!) engraved at the base of the toy, which act as visual markers.

Things I don’t like about the Marchosias dildo

  • The pointed tip can be a little uncomfortable when I shove the dildo fully inside me (which long-time readers already know I love to do, haha). It pokes my cervix sometimes, and lacks the firmness and protrusion it would need to consistently be able to slide up into my A-spot, a.k.a. anterior fornix.
  • Like many silicone toys, this one attracts hair/lint/dust like mad (as you can see in these photos!!), so I usually need to wash it off before each use, even if it’s just been stashed in a drawer or on my nightstand in the interim. Mildly annoying but not a huge deal.
Linty balls, anyone?

Final thoughts

“Different strokes for different folks” should be a guiding principle of the sex toy industry – or “different goals for different holes,” if you prefer – and this is illustrated brilliantly by fantasy dildos, such as those made by Twisted Beast. Not only do they offer a variety of physical sensations that a human cock could never (or seldom) replicate; they also invite you to broaden your sexual imagination. Why not fantasize about a sexy werewolf, a charming centaur, or a clueless human who just got dropped into the omegaverse?! Life is short, baby! Expand your mind!

I always try to dip my toes into these fantasies when I’m reviewing a dildo like this, but it’s rare that I’m actually able to enjoy them as much as I did with this one. I think it’s because the Marchosias is so damn comfortable, due to its squishy silicone and its softly contoured design – it allows me to flip back and forth easily between wild fantasies and tamer ones, since the toy feels plausibly like a canine dick or a bulbous human one, like some kind of cocktical illusion.

If this blog were a shitty mainstream magazine, maybe I’d end this review by saying something like, “They say a dog is man’s best friend, and I think this dildo is a woman’s!!” The truth is, though, we’ve all got orifices – and we’ve all got the capacity to fantasize about stuff that’s off the beaten path. If a doggy dildo like the Marchosias has piqued your interest, I’d say you should give it a shot, and don’t let the stigma give you paws. Uh, I mean, pause. 😉

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: FusyFun Wave

Kate Sloan
Image via FusyFun

What is the FusyFun Wave?

I’ve never seen anything quite like this product before… It’s essentially 4 toys in 1: a vibrating butt plug, perineum stimulator, and cock ring, plus a thin bendable ‘arm’ that lies along the top side of the penis shaft during penetrative sex, stimulating the receptive partner’s G-spot or prostate.

In that sense, it’s similar to something like a We-Vibe – except that it’s the penis-owner who wears this one, not the vulva-owner. And because that’s the case, it’s not just meant for vaginal sex – you can use it during anal sex too, which is trickier/less advisable to do with something that lacks a flared base like a We-Vibe.

The overall effect of the FusyFun Wave, then – at least theoretically – is that the ‘top’ will get their prostate stimulated by the vibrating butt plug as they thrust, their boner will be extra-hard because of the constriction provided by the cock ring, and their partner’s G-spot or prostate will be massaged by the vibrator on each thrust. Intrigued? Me fuckin’ too! Read on for my thoughts…

Image via FusyFun

Things I like about the FusyFun Wave

  • This toy’s concept is genuinely quite inventive, and each of its elements works well together. I’m rarely in favor of multi-tasking toys, since I think it’s almost always better to just do one thing and do it right – but the combo of cock ring, butt plug, and perineum stimulator is a great one, and makes penetrative sex even more pleasurable for penis-owners who like prostate/perineal stim.
  • This toy has two motors, each separately controllable. One powers the butt plug and the other powers everything else, although there is a bit of vibration transfer between the two. I love when a multi-motor toy lets you control each one on its own like this, so that you can (for example) still enjoy the anal vibrations while the rest of the toy is shut off, or vice-versa.
  • You can control the Wave in two different ways: either via the button directly on the toy itself, or using the little remote it comes with. The remote is super convenient and means you can change the settings without having to reach all the way down there every time, which would be especially annoying during partnered sex!
  • The motor in the butt plug portion of the toy is surprisingly strong and rumbly! So much so, in fact, that for my partner, it didn’t even matter that the plug isn’t curved – it stimulated her prostate beautifully anyhow, boosting arousal and intensifying orgasms.
  • The cock ring is stretchy enough that it was always comfortable for my partner, whose dick’s on the larger side. (However, as with any cock ring, generally you shouldn’t leave it on for more than 20-30 minutes at a time, tops.)
  • In theory, you could bend the vaginal arm upward so it hits the clit during intercourse instead of the G-spot. (However, as described below, the motor of that part of the toy is extremely buzzy, so I prefer to use a separate, rumblier clitoral vibe for that purpose.)
  • The instruction manual made me laugh, particularly the part that says chatting openly with your partner about your desires is step one of using their product (very true, and rarely addressed by sex toy companies!) and the part that describes two men using this product together for anal sex as being “filled to the brim for him & him.” More sex toys should have funny instruction manuals tbh 😂
  • FusyFun’s customer service was great in the interaction I had with them – there was a battery issue with the remote of the first Wave they sent us, and they sent out a new one as soon as we let them know. Kudos!
Image via FusyFun

Things I don’t like about the FusyFun Wave

  • Unfortunately, one of the worst things about the toy is also one of the most important: the motor that powers the cock ring, the perineum stimulator, and the bendable arm that goes into the vagina. It’s much buzzier and weaker than the prostate-focused motor, so it’s just not very stimulating and can cause some temporary desensitization after a while. That being said, I find buzzy vibration more tolerable on my G-spot than on my clit, especially when there’s motion/thrusting involved.
  • While it’s great that each motor has 9 modes (3 steady speeds followed by 6 patterns), it is annoying that there is only one button to control each, so if you want to get back to a previous setting, you have to either press the button enough times that it loops back around, or just turn the toy off and then on again.
  • My partner felt that they wouldn’t be able to thrust at full speed/intensity because the toy’s vaginal arm could be scrapey or cervix-pokey for me in that case. She also felt that this toy was unsuitable for cowgirl position because the vaginal arm would frequently fall out and need to be readjusted. So, to target the G-spot while using this toy, your best bet is some version of missionary position, thrusting at a slow-to-medium speed/intensity.
  • It only has a 60-minute battery life, although admittedly I wouldn’t tend to expect much better from a dual-motor toy at this price point ($55.90 at the time that I’m writing this!).
  • It’s only splashproof (IPX6), not fully waterproof – so you can wash it in the sink but shouldn’t use it in a bath, pool, etc.

Final thoughts

Who’s the ideal user for the FusyFun Wave? I’d say it’s someone who fits at least one of the following criteria:

  • You or your partner likes prostate vibration and would like to experience it during vaginal and/or anal sex
  • You or your partner likes G-spot vibration and would like to experience it during vaginal sex
  • You already enjoy using vibrating butt plugs, cock rings, and/or perineal stimulators during penetrative sex and would like a singular product that does all of the above, for convenience’s sake
  • You’re a sex toy nerd who collects (or simply curious about) unusual toys

The weak and buzzy external motor and the not-quite-perfected design notwithstanding, this is an interesting vibe that brings something new to the table (or to the bed, as the case may be). Like the We-Vibe and its ilk, the Wave seeks to make penetrative sex more pleasurable for everyone, while allowing you to maintain the intimacy and closeness that many people enjoy about that type of sex. If that sounds like something you’d be into, maybe wave hello to the Wave! 👋 🌊

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

The 20 Best Things I Wrote This Year (on Sex, Love, Kink, Video Games, & Everything in Between)

Kate Sloan

Need some interesting stuff to read (or listen to) over the holidays? I gotchu, babe… Here are my top 5 favorite blog posts, newsletter essays, songs, and fanfic stories I wrote this year!

 

On this blog:

There’s a lot of messaging out there which seems to suggest that only conventionally attractive people deserve sex (a standard that often ends up being fatphobic, racist, transphobic, and ableist in its execution). It’s no wonder so many of us are nervous about being seen naked… [but] imperfections are part of what make sex feel so exciting, so raw, so human.

While I personally don’t feel any particular pull toward, say, growing out my armpit hair, spouting a constant stream of toilet-humor jokes, or pumping iron at the gym til rivulets of sweat roll down my back, I nonetheless think it’s fucked up that men can do all of these things without anyone blinking an eye, but if a woman does them, she’ll be judged as a failure of femininity by many segments of society. Fuck off with that shit! Let women be people! Let women be gross!

As with my recent trip to Portland, I’d decided to theme my entire Berlin wardrobe around a unified color scheme; this time, it was green, turquoisey-blue, and yellow. In these photos, you can see that I’m holding a yellow reporter’s notebook by Leuchtturm1917, a German brand, which I bought specifically for note-taking on this trip (nerd!), along with a limited-edition teal and yellow Lamy Safari pen…

I follow many Twitch gamer boys who are not insufferable misogynist assholes… and I found it delightful to watch their first playthroughs of Echoes. No one said a damn thing about it being weird to play as a girl. Instead, some of them exclaimed, with smiles gleaming and controllers clacking, “It’s so cool that you get to play as Zelda in this one!” Having played through Echoes myself, I see it as a feminist allegory – and not just because you play as Zelda.

I wanted a “lovecore” [pink and red] Night King. I love these colors, but perhaps even more importantly for this post, I have a lot of clothing in these colors! I started putting together outfits in my head before my new Night King even arrived on my doorstep – and when it did, it was so stunning in-person that I was even more excited to style it up. Ready to see the dildo-inspired ensembles I came up with?

 

For my newsletter (you get access to the entire past archive for just $5/month!):

This is one of the reasons I find sex so enduringly fascinating. Like a quantum particle, it can appear completely different depending on how you observe it, and who’s doing the observing… If you’re having a conversation with a friend, it’s comparatively easy to tell if you’re both enjoying the conversation – not least because sometimes one of you might literally say something like, “I always enjoy talking to you!” Why is sex any different?

These days, the “good men” – the feminist men, the socially-conscious men – will be more hesitant to “make the first move” in any romantic or sexual context… So nowadays, if you’re a woman who dates men, like I do (among others), and if you want the men you date to be “the good ones,” you have to be willing to take more initiative in sex and dating, even when that feels uncomfortable.

…sometimes I just keep adjusting the way I’m sitting, and the way my hair is falling, and the expression on my face, because some voice in the back of my head is telling me, “Your job right now is to look pretty so that maybe you’ll be approached. If you don’t look pretty, who knows what wonderful opportunities you might be passing up?” And ay, there’s the rub, isn’t it? FOMO. I love romance and I love love, so deeply that it actually pains me to consider missing an opportunity that would’ve been great.

For one thing, just because something is “evolved” doesn’t mean it’s good. Creatures less evolved than us would be incapable of climate change, nuclear warfare, or genocide, at the scale that we are capable of those things. Apes don’t hoard AK-47s. Amoebas know nothing of fascism. Our being highly evolved is exactly what has led us to the brink of self-destruction. “Highly evolved” is not a selling point.

…if we want to have the best sex possible – that is to say, the most mutually arousing, pleasurable, satisfying and connective sex possible – we need to actively counteract the forces that contribute to our partners’ sexual anxiety and our own. We need to focus on creating a comfortable environment. I mean this on every level possible.

 

Songs:

We’ve had an arrangement, all these many years:/ Keep it easy-breezy, and you’ll keep away the tears/ But lately, our arrangement is definitely changing/ I don’t understand; this was not the plan!/ I might be crying “Fire!” when there’s just no smoke/ Why’m I trying to fix us up when we’re not broke?

Solastalgia: I miss you before you leave/ I know the blow is coming, so why not start to grieve?/ That’s why goodbyes make me cry while you’re still near/ Solastalgia: I miss you while you’re still here

Some would say this is the coward’s way/ If I want something, I must make it so/ But I can’t just yet, can’t take a risky bet/ ‘Cause you’re somebody to think about, somewhere for hope to go

Please don’t be too hard on you/ Love yourself the way I do, and/ Care about you like I care about you/ And if you ever think you want to die/ Call me up instead, ’cause I/ can’t live without you, I can’t live without you

Party night, and I’m already shook/ Shoulda stayed at home with whiskey and a book/ ’cause I’m an introvert, an introvert at a party/ And when you wonder where I’ve gone/ Check the kitchen, hallway, terrace, and the john/ ’cause I’m an introvert, an introvert at a party

 

Fanfic:

Roman slinks into his hotel room for the night, kicks his shoes off, and wonders why the fuck he drank all that champagne. The Waystar C-suite was celebrating a win – a Logan-approved media merger that had been Ken’s baby, not Rome’s, so naturally Roman had to toss back a couple flutes of fizzy stuff just to settle the good ol’ daddy issues in his stomach. The way his dad had looked at Ken made Roman want to drink bleach, but the cater-waiters at the party were only serving Cristal.

It would be an understatement to say that Roman has jerked off to the memory of sex with Gerri… It would be more accurate to say that ever since that night, Roman has thought of nothing else when he jerks off. No hentai babes with heaving jugs, no shapely schoolmarms wielding wooden canes, no panting blonde porn stars with bleached buttholes. Just Gerri, and the back of that towncar, and the hotel. He can still remember it with startling clarity, although that might just be because he’s replayed it enough times to clog his shower.

Mark doesn’t know much about the severance procedure on a technical level, but one thing he does know – because it came up in a Milchick PowerPoint about keyboard shortcuts – is that it takes your memories, but not your basic human knowledge, your “implicit memory.” It’s why they can still speak, and breathe, and piss. It’s why Mark can wonder what rain sounds like. It’s also why Mark knows what a “date” is, even though he’s never been on one before and is pretty sure they’re specifically banned. He’s not gonna check the handbook to confirm that, mostly because he’d rather go on a date with Helly.

Henry doesn’t think all-night improv sounds like torture, but he’s a theater kid to the core, beer commercials notwithstanding… [He] remembers those sleepless theater nights, himself – set-building til three, running lines in 24-hour diners, cast parties that lasted from one night’s curtain call to the next day’s matinee. Sleep-deprived actors are a nutty bunch… His Blanche and his Ophelia had both been the sorts of girls who never would’ve given him the time of day, outside their little theater bubble – but when they were exhausted from all the partying and acting and feeling of it all, he’d be the warm body beside them in the wings, goofy-grinned and ripe for a loopy liplock… “How do I get a ticket?” he asks Casey now, because he’s only fucking human.

He hasn’t gotten hard since his dad died, nocturnal stiffies notwithstanding. Yeah, that was a whole therapy session, right there. He was real fuckin’ grateful for HIPAA the day he shared that little gem. It’s not like it was a surprise; his boner had been limping along for years, kept alive only by pharmaceutical intervention (and an occasional phone call with a sadistic blonde shrew, before that got all fucked up). Makes sense that his hard-on kicked the bucket when his dad did. Might’ve been the old man’s dying wish, for all Roman knows. ‘Curse my sicko son with a defective johnson, so he can never be happy.’ God, it’s Freudian as fuck. Makes him want to stab himself to death with the corner of a DSM-5.

 

Did you have a favorite thing that I wrote this year, babes? (Self-indulgent question alert!!) Wishing happy holidays to you and your loved ones! ❤️

9 Songs That Made My 2024 More Sexy/Fun/Bearable

Kate Sloan

In 2024, every time I became obsessed with a song – wanted to listen to it constantly, to roll around in it, live inside it – I would add it to this playlist.

I do this most years, and it’s one of my favorite traditions, because it always leaves me with an evocative musical diary of my year, one that will catapult me right back to this time in my life when I listen to it again in future years. Not every track on the list was recorded or released this year – they’re all just songs that mattered to me a lot in 2024, no matter when they’re from.

Long-time readers might remember that I used to highlight my favorite songs for you at the end of every year (2019, 2020, 2021, 2022), and I’d like to do the same for you this year. Here are 9 songs that got me through 2024, songs that lit me up, made me think, turned me on, struck a chord. (Why 9, and not 8 or 10? Well, 9 is just how many I loved enough to include here and had something substantial to say about.)

The best way to read this post (IMO) is to hit ‘play’ on each song before you start reading about it. I hope you enjoy these sonic gems as much as I do! 🎶💖

“Sexy to Someone” by Clairo

“[To be] sexy to somebody, it would help me out/ Oh, I need a reason to get out of the house/ And it’s just a little thing I can’t live without”

My uncle Kevan (himself a legend in Canadian punk rock in the ’80s) sent me this one, because he likes the production on it, which is indeed excellent: vibey, groovy, quirky. But it was the song’s lyrics that hooked me immediately. “Sexy to someone is all I really want,” sings the cherubic Clairo; “sometimes sexy to someone is all I really want.” My cousin Sean called this “some of the most unambitious flirting I’ve ever heard,” which made me laugh, because I have the same ambition as Clairo in this regard, and I agree with Sean that it’s not exactly a big ask: I want to feel like someone finds me sexy, at least some of the time.

That feeling, of being wanted and knowing you’re wanted (even if just by one person in the whole entire world), is like a jangly shot of espresso in my veins. It gets me up and gets me out of the house, as Clairo says, and it also gets me creating, smiling, giggling, blushing, and (let’s be honest) jerking off more often.

Like me, Clairo seems to view this sexy energy as a life-sustaining force, “something I see in everything,” which pools and flows throughout your life like “honey sticking to your hands, sugar on the rim.” I’m at my best when I feel wanted and am wanting in return. Despite all the spiritual books I’ve read which decried desire as the root of all misery, I think I’m at my happiest when I’m caught in a hot spiral of want.

“Nasty” by Tinashe

“If you keep up with me, I’ll keep on coming back/ If you do it too good, I’m gonna get attached/ ‘Cause it feels like heaven when it hurts so bad/ Baby, put it on me – I like it just like that”

Speaking of “a reason to get out of the house,” this was my go-to song whenever I had a hard time getting out of bed this year. Even on bad fibro days, I still wanted to dance to this one!

In my line of work, one of the questions I get asked most often is, “I’m into [insert kink or sexual practice here]; am I normal?” I always try to explain to people that sexual ‘normalcy’ is a meaningless construct, and is hardly worth aspiring to anyway (do you really want to have the most average sex life on the block?!). But usually they keep fretting nonetheless – probably because, at their core, they’re afraid that their desires make them undesirable, unloveable, or broken, when in reality, they just need to find partners they’re compatible with.

For that reason, I love this song’s iconic refrain, “Is somebody gonna match my freak?” Tinashe is such a charismatic, captivating performer both dance-wise and vocally that the sentiment comes across confident as hell: no sniveling about wanting to be normal, but rather, wholeheartedly embracing that one is not ‘normal,’ and daring all potential suitors to keep up. We should all be so lucky as to find somebody who ‘matches our freak,’ whatever that happens to mean for us.

“Pessimist” by Julia Michaels

“Made me die, made me melt/ You have changed the way I felt/ With your touch, with your help/ You took a pessimist and turned me into something else”

To me this song sounds like walking home on a winter’s night after a really great fourth or fifth date, thinking, “Jesus, this thing might actually have legs.” It’s that almost-falling-in-love feeling, that oh-shit-what-the-fuck feeling, hands jittering in your mittens. Michaels’ bell-like soprano pings through the curtains of snow like a streetlamp lighting the way forward: “I think I see a lifetime.”

With so much going wrong in the world this year (to say the fucking least), I spent a lot of time thinking about hope. It’s hard to stay optimistic in such a fucked-up time, even though we need some optimism in order to keep going. One thing I have noticed in myself over and over again is that romance is an almost-endless wellspring of optimism for me, able to replenish my hope when it’s run dry. Whatever neurochemical hell is wrought on my system by doomscrolling, the opposite effect is achieved when I get a text from the cutie I’m crushing on, or when I go out for an intimate dinner with my spouse, or even when I obsess about a celebrity I think is hot. It’s that same life force again, the one Clairo was talking about.

I relate to this song deeply, because my spouse indeed “took a pessimist and turned me into something else.” Our love is the biggest, best thing I’ve ever experienced in my life, and because we’re polyamorous, I have the freedom and capacity to experience other big loves in the future – something which only really seems possible to me because of how incredible my love story with my spouse has been and continues to be. If it happened once, something similar could always happen again, albeit in different and unexpected ways. It’s one of the things I treasure about non-monogamy, and it’s one of the many reasons I’m glad I’m not such a pessimist anymore.

“What is a Blouse?” by The Zach & The Jess

“What the hell is a blouse? … Is it dissimilar to a baggy shirt?/ Or a sail too small for a boat to work?/ A pillowcase, but with a place for arms?/ A V-neck with exceptional grace and charms?/ A classic tee that got loose and swollen?/ A button-up with all the buttons stolen?”

And now, for something completely different…

This song made me laugh more than any other this year. I would listen to it when I was sad sometimes, because its silliness cracks me up, like when Zach & Jess refer to blouses as “the apparel enigma, the Stonehenge of clothes.”

At one point this year, I was standing in line waiting to get my book signed at a Casey McQuiston reading, and the people behind me got into an animated discussion of the very question asked by this song: “What is a blouse?!” It took all of my strength not to turn around, whip out my phone, and play them the track!

“Co-Op” by Bess Atwell

“I’ve learned to apologize/ Learned to trust somebody with my body, I/ learned there’s a life outside my eyes”

Atwell has described this song as “a bit of a private joke” with her partner: the two of them lived across from a co-op that was always playing music that would get stuck in their heads when they went there. One day Bess came back humming, and her partner said, “Did you even go to the co-op if you don’t come back singing the pop song that was on?” which later became the refrain of this tune. (“You said I couldn’t fit that in a song,” Atwell adds teasingly on the second repetition.)

It’s a song about domesticity, about living in close quarters and loving it. It reminds me dearly of the time I spent crammed into tiny apartments with my beloved during the early pandemic – six months at their place in New York, four months at mine in Toronto. The soothing familiarity of our routines kept me sane during that wild time.

It’s also a song about finally being able to relax with somebody, after the tumult of trauma. I, too, have “learned to trust somebody with my body.” There are many ways to help that process along, but one of them (for me, at least) is to have these comforting rituals I share with my partner, whether they be devouring Netflix dating shows after work, attending our favorite improv show on Sunday nights, or even going to the co-op.

“Broke Boy” by Malia Civetz

“I love my broke boy/ Not a billionaire baller or dough boy/ Used to give him cash so he could get some gas/ ‘Cause he knows how to give me that O, boy!/ Still-lives-at-home boy/ Ain’t got a house or a plane or a Rolls Royce/ There’s no credit card that’s gonna buy my heart/ ‘Cause I gave it all to a broke boy”

I think this is an… anticapitalist love song?! Fuck yeah! More of this, please!

I’ve been a fan of Malia Civetz’s big bold voice and top-notch songwriting for a few years now, and while her song “Is It You?” was my #1 most-played song this year (it’s a banger), “Broke Boy” is the one I have the most fondness for at the moment.

I just love how plainly Malia lays it out in this song: Being broke doesn’t make you unworthy of love. Romance is commonly depicted as an expensive endeavor – dates, meals, gifts, etc. – but it doesn’t have to be, because human connection itself is free. And as Malia points out, her broke boy may not be able to afford fancy vacations around the world, but it’s okay, ’cause he “took [her] on a trip with just the tip of his tongue.” 😜

“I Said What I Said” by The Softies

“As soon as I had a place to go, I went/ There’s gotta be more to life than paying rent/ I said what I said, so I wouldn’t have to say/ what I wasn’t ready to tell you”

I never thought there would be another Softies album in my lifetime. There hadn’t been any for 24 years. And then, just like magic, they put out a new one. I practically started hyperventilating when I found out.

I’ve loved the Softies’ sweet voices and mellow guitars since I was about 12 years old, when a listener of my podcast (yes, I had a podcast in 2004… it’s a long story) sent me a digital mixtape. In that .zip file were many songs I still adore to this day, like “All the Umbrellas in London” by the Magnetic Fields and “Chick Habit” by April March… but there was also the Softies, and I fell down that rabbit hole hard, begging my mom to let me use her credit card to order their CDs online. I’ve been a fan ever since, and hope to be able to see them play live someday.

This song has stuck with me most from the latest album, for whatever reason. As with many Softies songs, its lyrics are vague enough that it could mean many different things, but for me it evokes a woman who’s ending things with her male partner upon realizing she’s gay (which incidentally I also wrote a song about once). It’s bittersweet in that way – affectionate, but at arm’s length; compassionate, but cutting ties. And because it’s the Softies, it floats and soars like sunshine on clouds, jazz chords as plainspoken as love.

“Want Want” by Maggie Rogers

“Oh, can we take this slow?/ Everybody’s always known/ but I didn’t want to admit/ And when we’re cheek to cheek/ I feel it in my teeth/ and it’s too good to resist”

I first listened to this one because the aforementioned romance author Casey McQuiston cited it as one of their inspirations while writing The Pairing, easily my favorite romance novel I’ve ever read, which also happens to be a very fucking sexy book. Accordingly, as you might expect, this song is overflowing with lust and swagger. It’s about the immutability of desire: “If you want-want what you want-want, then you want it.” It’s as simple as that.

But while lust itself may seem straightforward, it can lead us into situations that are anything but. Rogers’ agile voice flips between airy softness and throaty bravado as she wavers about whether to fuck a long-time friend, first-time lover: “I hold my breath and count the times I walked my feet up to the line…” How exhilarating, then, to finally cross it.

The driving rhythm of this song feels like the locomotive momentum of lust itself, chugging along even when you wish you could throw the brake. But it’s nearly impossible to get off that train; you really “can’t hide what you desire once you’re on it… and I want you.”

“CVS” by Winnetka Bowling League

“I wanna buy you chocolate hearts from CVS/ Kiss you too hard and follow you west/ Sing you sad songs on a Sunday afternoon/ Yeah, I think I’d like to tie you in ways that you can’t undo/ Dinner in bed and Korean food/ Say ‘I love you’ just a little bit too soon”

The lead singer of Winnetka Bowling League (one of my most-played artists this year), Matthew Koma, is married to Hilary Duff, which is why she has a cameo in this music video. And it’s sweet to see the two of them together, because this song is all about love.

In working on this post, I’ve noticed some throughlines in the songs I’ve loved most this year. A lot of them seem to be about new love, and finding hope in the possibility of new connections. This song is such a lovely manifestation of that – it’s about jumping the gun in a new relationship, wanting to get closer and closer, wanting to fall in love, or noticing you’ve already started to. It’s also about the eerie feeling that you might’ve just met the person you’re gonna spend forever with, something I felt a shade of when I first met my spouse: “In a dream, your future had a voice, and he spoke like me…”

I like that this song also draws your attention to the artificiality of romance, at least the type of romance you can buy from a CVS. One of the dumbest things about love is that we can find ourselves performing these cardboard rituals of romance, not because we necessarily believe in them, but just because our feelings are so damn big, we have to let them out any way we can.

 

What songs did you enjoy most this year, my darlings?

So You Think You’re Bisexual. Now What?

Kate Sloan
A self-portrait I shot when I was 16 and had been out as bi for a little over a year

I’ve been out as bisexual for over half of my life, have dated and fucked people all over the gender spectrum, and I still sometimes wonder: Am I really as bi as I think I am?

It just goes to show how insidious the monosexist mindset is. When someone’s been trying to shove you in a box your whole life, no doubt you’ll occasionally look at that box and I think, “Could I fit in there, though? Wouldn’t everything be so much easier if I could?”

And sure, maybe life would be easier, in some ways, if we could convincingly hide ourselves away – but in other ways, it would be much harder, because we’d be fighting against our natural inclinations day in and day out, always wondering what might have been, if we’d been brave enough to bust out of that box.

To that end, here are 5 possible steps I’d suggest if you’re trembling on the precipice of identifying as bi, but not quite sure whether, or how, to take that leap…

 

1. Are you even defining bisexuality right?

I think questioning your own definition of bisexuality is an important first step in this process, because a lot of people don’t even know what bisexuality is, and so they think they’re not bi, when in fact they totally are!

So here’s my definition: Being bi means that 1) you’ve been sexually and/or romantically attracted to people of two or more genders and 2) you self-identify as bi. That’s it.

Here are some things that are not required in order for you to identify as bi (and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!):

  • Being attracted to all genders equally or in the same ways
  • Having had sexual and/or romantic experiences with people of multiple genders
  • Only being attracted to cis men and cis women (bisexuality is generally considered a trans- and nonbinary-inclusive identity these days, although some people prefer to use other terms such as ‘pansexual,’ ‘omnisexual,’ or simply ‘queer’ to make this more clear)

 

2. Fantasize

Let’s be honest: if you’re flirting with the idea of maybe being bi, you’re probably already doing a fair bit of fantasizing 😉 but if not, it’s a great time to start!

I don’t just mean sexually fantasizing, either – romantic fantasizing can be very telling when you’re trying to figure yourself out. And if you find that some genders are more romantically appealing to you while others are more sexually appealing, don’t fret – that’s pretty common and doesn’t make you less bi.

Don’t know where to start? Pick a hot person of the same gender as you (could be someone you know personally, or a celebrity/public figure) and a hot person of a different gender from you, and then notice how you feel as you picture each of them…

  • telling you that you’re cute
  • nervously or confidently asking you on a date
  • listening attentively while you tell a story from your life
  • sexily asking permission to kiss you
  • kissing you in your favorite way(s) to be kissed
  • looking at you with sexual longing in their eyes
  • going down on you
  • …etc., etc., etc.!

 

3. Watch porn

When fantasizing is hard for whatever reason (including actively battling shame or confusion about a new sexual label!), sometimes it’s easier to “outsource” the fantasy process by watching porn. Notice how you respond to different kinds of bodies, gender presentations, situations and sex acts. If you’re a nerd like me, you may even want to keep notes of your reactions as they happen, which you can review later, like a sex scientist assessing the findings of a research study in order to draw a conclusion.

Worth noting, though: People’s porn tastes don’t always line up with their IRL sexual tastes, and that’s fine. Research shows, for example, that many straight women love lesbian porn, likely because it depicts dedicated clitoral stimulation and egalitarian power dynamics more often than straight porn does. This is why I think it’s useful to ask yourself not only whether a particular porn clip turned you on, but why it turned you on. You may not always know, exactly, but it’s a good question to ponder.

 

4. Kiss a friend

If you’ve got an open-minded friend who stirs Bi Feelings in your very soul(/junk), maybe they’d be down to smooch for a bit, so you can test the waters of your potential new sexual identity.

Big caveat here, though: You should only ever do this in a way which is respectful of your friend’s feelings. You may have heard vicious biphobic rumors about how all bisexual people are just “trying on” that identity, “aren’t really” bi, and will eventually break their partners’ hearts by cheating and/or leaving them for someone of a different gender… and while these are harmful and unfair stereotypes to apply to an entire demographic, they come from a grain of truth: It does hurt to feel used, fetishized, and cast aside by someone who ultimately decides/realizes they’re not into you (or not into your entire gender)! So, if you want to explore and experiment with a friend, be realistic and truthful about what you’re actually offering, be tactful and kind about any rejection that ends up happening (on your end or theirs!), and always remember that they’re a human being with emotions, not a fantasy-fulfilling sex robot with bionic genitals.

 

5. Hire a professional

Sex workers are quite simply the best at what they do – and that includes not only the sex part, but often also the communication around sex. These skills can be enormously helpful for clients who are nervously trying something new for the first time.

For instance, I’ve read several posts on Reddit from virgins in their twenties who opted to hire a sex worker for their first-ever sexual experience, sometimes even saving up money for months and traveling far distances to do so – and who can blame them? I imagine the best female escorts in London, Paris or New York have more-or-less “seen it all,” so they wouldn’t be phased by the awkward fumbling of a nervous virgin, and could even talk him through the whole experience. (Hot, tbh!)

Likewise, I think escort services are worth considering if you’re a newbie to the land of bisexuality. If you’re not sure whether a particular provider would be down for a session like whatever you’re imagining, send ’em a respectful email to ask before booking. Godspeed, baby bi!

 

Fellow bisexuals, what initial steps helped you most when you were figuring your shit out?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.