Author: Kate Sloan

What Can (and Can’t) You Learn From Watching Porn?

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb. Just imagine I’m attending a porn screening in this picture, although it was actually an improv show…

There’s perpetually a firestorm of discourse about porn – whether it’s good or bad, realistic or unrealistic, helpful inspiration or misguided misinformation. Personally I think porn can teach us a lot, but people often take the wrong lessons from it. So what can you actually learn from porn, and what can’t you? Here are my thoughts on the matter; I’d love to hear yours in the comments…

 

Things you probably can’t learn from porn:

How to initiate sex

Porn scenes often dive right into the action, which is reasonable – if you’re surfing a porn website, you might very well have one hand down your pants already! But in real life, often you have to (or want to) ease into sex much more gradually, to ensure everyone’s ongoing comfort and consent. This is especially true if you and/or your partner have “responsive desire” (to borrow a term from sexologist Emily Nagoski), in which case initiation might involve slow-burn activities like flirting on a dinner date, making out on the couch, or cuddling naked in bed. If you’re not sure how your partner prefers sex to be initiated, talk it over with them!

Sexual techniques your partner(s) will like

While some porn purports to be educational (and some actually is!), often you’re just seeing techniques that are designed to be visually stimulating, which may or may not actually feel good to the people involved. For instance, when someone is going down on me, I prefer a suction-based technique where my clit is inside someone’s mouth for a lot of the time, but that doesn’t always translate well to porn because you can’t see exactly what they’re doing with their tongue in there! You can certainly look to porn for inspo, but it’s not an instruction manual – for details on how to please your specific partner, you’ll need to ask them yourself, and/or try things out and see what they respond to.

How to do aftercare

I’ve almost never seen aftercare represented in porn, which makes sense – for a lot of us, our post-porn-watching ‘aftercare’ is just closing our laptop and moving on with our day/night! But in real life, whether the sex you’re having is kinky or vanilla, most people appreciate a calming comedown of some sort. Cuddling is a common aftercare staple, for instance, as is pillow talk about the sex you just had. Don’t forget water and a little snack if you need one – sex can be quite a workout sometimes!

 

Things you actually can learn from porn:

Dirty talk skills

Porn stars are, quite literally, pro-level dirty-talkers. It’s a skill well worth learning, given that 91% of people are turned on by it! You don’t have to copy the exact phrases and cadence of your favorite porn stars, but you can use their style as inspiration when developing your own. Whether your roadblock to dirty talk is sexual shame, nervousness, or just not knowing what to say, it can help to listen to porn stars’ salacious parlance and maybe even practice repeating aloud the things they say, so you get used to the way filthy words feel in your mouth.

What high levels of arousal feel like for you

Not everyone struggles with this, but some people experience what’s called “arousal non-concordance”: a frustrating mismatch between your levels of physical and mental arousal. There are many reasons this can occur; for me, I know that I’m prone to dissociation from my body due to trauma, so I sometimes don’t even notice that I’ve gotten physically turned on – or, on the flipside, I might have a mental desire for sex while feeling frustratingly little physical arousal. Porn can be helpful in this regard, because it helps me reach high arousal levels both physically and mentally while alone in the privacy of my room – and the more familiar I become with how that arousal feels in my body and brain, the easier it is for me to recognize it and foster it with partners.

New stuff you might want to try

You can read about certain kinky proclivities all day long, but it may not give you a sense of whether you’d actually enjoy doing those things. Porn, on the other hand – especially the hyper-realism of VR porn (see all studios here for more on that) – can be more vivid and thus more illuminating. There are lots of kinky things I didn’t quite “get” until I saw them done in porn, at which point I wanted to try them out ASAP!

 

What have you learned from porn, dear readers? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

What’s In My Mobile Songwriting Kit?

Kate Sloan

Now that I’ve written and recorded a new song every week for years at a time, I’ve gotten pretty good at making songs no matter where I am. While the vast majority of my songs over that time period have been created from start to finish at home, I’m something of a jetsetter these days (at least between New York and Toronto!), so I’ve sometimes written and/or recorded songs at my parents’ house in East York, in hotel rooms, and even outside in nature.

A common truism among creatives is that, as much as we love our fancy tools, true creativity comes from within, and can be achieved with rudimentary tools or sometimes no tools at all. When I’m at home, I have access to my full collection of instruments, my fancy audio interface and mic, and every notebook and songwriting text I’ve ever owned – but when I’m traveling, I have to pare down significantly. Here are the current contents of my “mobile songwriting kit,” as it were…

A notebook and pen/pencil

It all starts here! Truth be told, if push came to shove, I could write a song using just my notebook and pen, no instruments or other equipment required – it’s that vital! I typically take my journal with me when I travel, which is always a large hardcover ruled Moleskine, and will scribble lyrics in there, in between pages of melodramatic prose about my dating life, etc.

For the last year or so, I’ve also taken to carrying a Field Notes pocket notebook in my bag everywhere I go. It takes up practically no space, and is ideal for drafting lyrics on buses and subway trains, in waiting rooms, at cafés and bars, etc.

Choice of writing instrument is very personal to each writer; I’m partial to the two that I’ve got tattooed on me, Retro 51 Tornado pens and Blackwing pencils. Also love my rollerball Lamy Safari and Pilot Precise v5s. I switch back and forth between pen and pencil according to my mood – it’s always cool to see which lyric lines have been crossed out and rewritten (sometimes several times), but a pencil’s erasability can sometimes trick my brain into being less self-critical and perfectionistic, which is especially important in the early stages of drafting a song.

A ukulele

One of the best things about the ukulele is its portability. It’s not the best instrument if you want a solemn and/or full sound, but as Amanda Palmer says, “Chords are just chords. Give me any instrument that can make a couple of chords and I’ll give you a song in a few minutes.” Really, as long as I have access to a ukulele and something to write with/on, I can come up with a fully fleshed-out song literally anywhere.

I have way too many ukuleles, but my best option for travel and on-the-go usage is the Enya Nova soprano uke, which I bought specifically because it’s made of carbon fiber and is thus much more durable than my other ones. I have no qualms tossing it in a purse or suitcase, where it takes up minimal room because of how slim it is, and it sounds pretty good for its price point. (I wish I’d brought it with me on the Toronto trip I’m on currently, because the cheap uke I have here sounds like a tin can and barely holds a tune. I’ve still written many a song on it, though, which speaks to the ukulele’s utility!)

Novation Launchkey Mini

This has been one of my best songwriting purchases. It’s a tiny midi keyboard that I can plug into my computer, iPad, or phone. For songwriting purposes, I usually just open GarageBand and set the keyboard to sound like a normal piano. But when recording, I can make it sound like any instrument I want, from drums to bass to guitar to strings to woodwinds.

I have occasionally written songs using a piano app on my phone or iPad when I had no other instruments available to me, but I’d much rather play an actual keyboard with actual keys. This one takes up minimal room in a suitcase and I love it. I’ll typically pack this for short-term travel rather than bring a ukulele, because the keyboard is less likely to get damaged in transit and also forces me to break out of the ruts/habits I tend to get into when I’ve been writing on the uke a lot.

My iPhone

There are about a zillion ways a smartphone can help you with songwriting, but mainly I use just three apps in my process: Notes, for drafting/editing lyrics and storing song ideas; Voice Record Pro, where I capture little song fragments as they come to me and make demo recordings of songs as I’m writing them; and Rhymezone, which helps you find not only rhymes but also near-rhymes, synonyms, and antonyms. I’m usually flipping back and forth between these three apps the entire time I’m writing a song, with occasional diversions to google things when needed (chord shapes, music theory nuances, facts related to the topic of the song I’m writing, etc.).

My laptop

While it’s not crucial (especially since I can record on my phone or iPad mini if I need to), I prefer to use my computer to record finished songs. I’ll open up GarageBand, connect any mics or instruments I want to use, and build arrangements as needed in there. Currently I have a 2022 MacBook Air; I love it a lot.

Zoom H2n + tripod

It’s great to have a portable mic when recording music, even though the mic on my iPhone is serviceable if I’ve got nothing else. I’ve mostly used this recorder for vocals and ukulele parts.

One thing I really like about it is that you can plug it in and record with it directly into something like GarageBand, or you can just make recordings with it and then move them from the device’s SD card to wherever you’ll be processing/mixing/using them. This makes it a versatile part of my kit. I also use it as a podcast mic when I’m traveling.

Headphones

Useful while producing/mixing a song, obviously, but also during the songwriting process – if I have time, I’ll often listen to a song demo on loop while out on a walk, and it helps me notice any parts of the song that feel awkward or not-quite-right so I can edit them.

I’ll also sometimes listen to white noise in my noise-canceling AirPods while trying to write in public, because it blocks out any speech/music/etc. around me that might be distracting. (I’m not like Stephin Merritt; I could never write a song in a bar that was blasting bad music like he does!)

…and that’s pretty much it: everything I use to write songs when I’m away from home! Fellow songwriters, feel free to let me know in the comments what your mobile songwriting kit would consist of.

Date Diaries: Valentine’s Madness & Bushwick Moonwater

Kate Sloan

Call me a starry-eyed basic bitch if you must, but Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays. I mean, you get to dress up in lovecore colors and celebrate the love in your life – and for a romantic femme like me, what could be better than that?!

I know it’s been almost a month since Valentine’s at this point, but I’m still thinking about the lovely date I had with my wife mb that night, and I wanted to tell you about it!

To begin our evening, mb – who is very into photography – wanted to shoot some photos of me on our rooftop at magic hour (a.k.a. sunset). It was still bitterly cold, but I slipped out of my coat and jacket and stood bare-shouldered on the roof, staring off into Brooklyn, while she snapped away. It was a sweet and peaceful start to our evening, and reminded me of when my friends and I used to do photoshoots for no reason all the time in high school – sometimes creativity and connection are justifications in and of themselves!

We’d sent each other some gorgeous flowers to celebrate the day, and also exchanged gifts, as is tradition. mb gave me this iconic-looking box of chocolates from La Maison du Chocolat and a limited-edition Valentine’s Day Field Notes notebook.

Then she told me that we had to make a mysterious stop somewhere on our way to dinner. It turned out we needed to hit up the Apple store, because her most generous gift to me was a pair of AirPods Pro 3 – both of our old AirPods had been acting up, and we both use them a lot, so she got us each some new ones. I’ve been loving them – the noise-canceling is much better than my old ones (the original AirPods Pro, which I bought 5 years ago). There’s something so romantic to me about a partner giving me a gift that they know I will use constantly, which will improve my life on the daily! The gaming-inspired case I subsequently bought for mine is super cute, too.

I had been craving a Penicillin so mb tried to take me to the cocktail bar Fresh Kills before our dinner plans, but it was so packed that we couldn’t get in within a reasonable timeframe – so we went across the street to Hole in the Wall instead. Both of us got coffee-based cocktails, to ensure we’d be energetic enough for the rest of our evening’s plans: mb got an espresso martini, and I got a “Hole’d Fashioned,” a caffeinated take on the classic old fashioned.

I can’t remember the exact details of our conversation, but I’m certain we must have discussed a lot of romantic drama over these drinks. At the time, I was still recovering emotionally from being ghosted by someone I’d dated for 3 months(!!) and also from being rejected by a crush back home in Toronto. Shout-out to my wife for very empathetically letting me rant about these two situations on numerous occasions lately. Truly one of the key benefits of polyamory is having somebody there to support you emotionally when shit hits the fan, someone who knows you even better than most of your friends do and can remind you that you’re hella desirable even when you feel like an unloveable troll.

Next we went to Diner for dinner. It’s a fancy restaurant made from a 90-year-old traincar. They write the menu out for you on the paper tablecloth adorning your table. Gotta love quirky New York restaurants. We had a prix-fixe meal consisting of delicious martinis, oysters, chicory salad, crudo, lobster, duck, and chocolate tart. I am spoiled as fuck!!

This whole dinner was actually paid for by the sex toy brand Dame, who wanted to sponsor our night out. Dame’s always doing cool stuff, from suing the New York subway system for discriminating against female-founded sex-positive advertisers, to hosting erotica-writing workshops at romance bookstores, and I was honored that they’d want to treat me to Valentine’s dinner with my partner, too!

We talked about a lot of stuff over the course of the meal, including how far we’ve both come in our DD/lg dynamic. I definitely feel more sure of myself than I was when we first met, so I don’t rely on my wife to make as many decisions for me these days, which feels like a win for both of us – our D/s adventures have made me a stronger, smarter, more self-assured person, and have helped my wife get more deeply in touch with who she is and who she wants to be, as well.

After dinner, we meandered back home for some intense sadomasochistic sex. (Remember, “romance” is just whatever you and your partner find romantic! It doesn’t have to look like flowers and chocolates and unswerving egalitarianism… although it certainly can.)

Dame had sent me their mini wand, the Min, so we tried that out briefly – but mostly I was in the mood for pain, so my wife gave me a heavy beating with her hands + the custom Weal & Breech mallet that she commissioned for me as a gift several years ago. She took me right up to my pain limit, skilfully and sensitively, until I burst into cathartic tears about how lucky I felt to be loved in ways I’d always dreamed of. At my request, she brought me my stuffed wolf pup (whose name is Lincoln, a.k.a. Linko, because I acquired him on a trip to Lincoln City in 2015) – I cried into his fur for the latter half of the beating, which was comforting and nice.

In preparation for the sex that followed, my wife had had me heat up my Njoy Pure Wand in a bowl of warm water. Into the water, at her request, I’d mixed a few drops of “Bushwick moonwater” – water magically imbued with Brooklyn moonlight; it’s a long story – so there was some woo-woo witchiness afoot. She went down on me for a while and then fucked me with the pre-warmed Pure Wand until I squirted all over everything. That’s romance, baybee!

Overall, it was a pretty much perfect Valentine’s Day – my first one since moving to the States/living with my wife, which was special in and of itself. In a world that’s currently so chaotic and scary, it feels more important than ever to celebrate love, connection, and being there for each other. Thanks to my wife (and also to Dame) for making it such a wonderful night! 💖

What to Pack for a Sex Getaway

Kate Sloan

The weather outside is dull and grey, and it has me thinking about potential trips to far-flung locales – for lounging on the beach and sipping daiquiris over a good book, sure, but also for sexy adventures with beloved beaux. Sex in a hotel bed (or even on an Airbnb pull-out couch) just hits different, y’know?

I can’t tell you exactly what to bring with you on a horny holiday, since you know your own sexual needs best… but here’s a list of things I think most sexually active people would benefit from having in their suitcase on such a jaunt, whether you’re headed to a swingers’ resort in Cancún, a luxury escort agency in Vienna, or even just a hotel in your own hometown. Let me know in the comments if there’s anything crucial I missed!

1-2 lubes

Lube is a must-have for pretty much everyone. No matter what type(s) of sex or masturbation you get into, lube is likely to make it feel a whole lot more pleasurable and comfortable.

On a typical trip, I tend to pack two lubes: a water-based option (ideally Sutil Rich or Sliquid Sassy), which I use with most sex toys and for most types of penetration, and a silicone-based option (ideally Uberlube), which is better suited for things like handjobs and clitoral masturbation. However, if I only had the space for one lube, I’d tend to go water-based, since it’s compatible with all types of sex toys and safer sex supplies. Speaking of which…

Safer sex supplies

I always bring condoms with me on my sexy travels; they’re my go-to contraceptive method, since hormonal birth control fucks with my mental health too bad, and they’re also just good to have around. If I was attending an orgy/gangbang or somesuch, I might bring a few different size options with me, because I’m cum-siderate like that! You might also consider packing dental dams, latex/nitrile gloves, and/or finger cots, depending on your needs/desires.

A small vibrator + a big vibrator

Suitcase space doesn’t always allow for this, but in an ideal world, I would always be able to pack both a Magic Wand Rechargeable and a smaller, more pinpointed vibe like the We-Vibe Tango X. Wands are super versatile; I love using them on partners of various genders/anatomies, as well as on myself, particularly when travel exhaustion has lowered my sensitivity. But it’s also nice to have a more petite vibrator on hand for when I’m craving that sensation instead.

Some vibrators have a travel lock function, which smartly ensures that the vibrations won’t turn on in transit, startling TSA agents and taxicab drivers alike. I try to bring at least one vibe that’s waterproof, because jerking off in a hotel bathtub is the height of luxury, if you ask me! Don’t forget to pack the charger(s) for your vibrator(s) as well, if they’re rechargeable, since a dead vibe sucks just as much in a beautiful destination as it does in your bed at home.

Something penetrative

If you or your partner(s) are into penetration, you’re probably gonna want to bring a dildo, butt plug, insertable vibrator, or some other type of penetrative toy with you. Think about which internal spot(s) you most often like to target, and pack accordingly. I’ll often bring one realistic silicone dildo that hits my A-spot and one firmer dildo that hits my G-spot, just to cover my bases. To be on the safe side, probably leave any glass toys at home (or do as I do and pack them wrapped in multiple layers of socks).

1-2 kinky sensory toys

If you are kinky comme moi, you may want to toss a couple of sensory-play items into your suitcase incase the mood strikes. I’ll often bring a small wooden bat or paddle for impact play, and maybe something like this dragon claw for light sadomasochism. That being said, your hands are great kink toys in and of themselves, capable of slapping, scratching, etc., so you may not need any extra equipment in this category!

A few kinky pervertibles

I bring an eye mask with me every time I travel, to help block out light so I can sleep better – but it also works a treat as a blindfold for kinky sex. Likewise, scarves and neckties can double as bondage gear, and a wooden hairbrush makes a killer impact implement. When suitcase space is at a premium, you might as well make the most of every item you bring!

Gum, mints, etc.

Self-explanatory! Sometimes I’ll also bring cough drops along, just incase. Trying to have an intimate date-y conversation in a bar or restaurant can be tricky when your throat is sore… as can giving head!

Hair elastics & bobby pins

Stray hairs in my mouth during oral sex are the bane of my existence. Fuck off and let me do what I do best!!

Headphones

Useful if you plan on watching porn and don’t want to risk disturbing the people in the next room… but also great if you, like me, sometimes have phone sex while staying in hotels. Headphones allow you to put your phone down, freeing up your hands for… other things.

Aftercare snacks

I usually pick these up at a duty-free shop once I’ve gone through airport security, but you can also get ’em at a hotel gift shop or pretty much anywhere. Chocolate, candy, chips, etc. are all great choices. It’s especially fun to get regional snacks that are only available wherever you’re staying!

 

What else do you think is important to bring on a sexy vacation?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Things I Love About Rope Bondage

Kate Sloan

I’ve got rope on the brain today. Maybe it’s because this world is noisier and more chaotic than ever, but I’m craving the peace and quiet of a good rope session, whether I’m the one being tied up or the one doing the tying.

It’s a beautiful kinky art form with a rich history. Here’s a little knowledge gleaned from my personal history with rope – my top 5 favorite things about it!

 

It’s peaceful & meditative

Like I mentioned up top, I find rope bondage to be a deeply calming activity. As a top, it can be meditative to focus carefully on the tie(s) you’re doing, adjusting and re-adjusting as you go. As a bottom, I enjoy being focused on like that, and often find that my mind wanders in a blissfully aimless way during a rope scene, similarly to how it does during meditation, yoga, or a quiet sunset walk. Sharing that peaceful connection with a partner is wonderful, but I can find that serenity even when I’m tying myself. And on that note…

 

It can be a shared activity or a solo one

This isn’t true of all kinks – and indeed, depending on your physical and emotional needs, it may not even be true of rope for you – but I’ve always found that rope is something I enjoy doing on my own just as much as with a partner.

You can look up self-tie tutorials on YouTube or in rope bondage books written by educators you trust (Midori is a personal fave) and view a solo session as practicing on yourself, or as reconnecting with the deepest parts of yourself psychologically, the ones you keep quietly buried most of the time.

 

Everyone does it a little differently

There are several reasons I refer to rope bondage as an art form, rather than just a kink activity – and one way this is true is that each rope bondage tie is its own unique creation, even if you’re following along with a pre-existing pattern. Each person – from my cavalcade of ex-boyfriends to Berlin dungeon-dwellers to New Zealand escorts – will bring a slightly different flavor and approach to how they tie.

Some of my partners have gotten a little sadistic with it, rubbing the rope roughly along my skin to leave bitey burn marks in its wake. Some have been soothing and smooth, occasionally muttering some comforting reassurance in my ear. Some have narrated aloud throughout the scene, explaining what they’re doing, so our session is both sensual and educational. You can tell a lot about somebody by how they tie you up!

 

Being restrained is fucking hot

This might be the most obvious/common reason to do rope bondage, but it’s worth mentioning nonetheless! Bondage is one of my major kinks, and I tend to get wildly wet when tied up by someone I’m attracted to. The trust involved is intoxicating, the surrender can be delicious, and there can also be a frisson of objectification kink involved in rope, if I start to feel more like an intricate art project my top is perfecting than like a person (🔥).

For this reason, I’ve often found rope bondage to be good foreplay for me – although it’s also perfectly fine if my top has to peace out after we finish our aftercare, because I can always jerk off to the memory of the scene! (I used to have a bondage-focused FWB and he would occasionally bring me pizza, tie me up, cuddle me for a while, and then leave. Honestly ideal in many ways…!)

 

You usually get a nice souvenir…

…whether it’s a photo that your top snaps of the finished tie in all its glory, or some light rope burns on your skin, or maybe even a slight lingering soreness in certain muscles from holding still for a long time. Of course, you should seek medical attention if any such “souvenirs” become worrisome – like if you feel tingling from cut-off circulation anywhere, or think an abrasion might be getting infected – but for the most part, I’ve found rope to be a low-risk activity when done with a well-informed top, and I love seeing evidence of yesterday’s scene on my skin. 🥰

 

Fellow rope lovers, what are your favorite things about it?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.